Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - My Fuzzy Valentine - full transcript
Bob gets romantic.
(thunder rumbling)
LINDA:
Happy Valentine's Day
to all my loves.
Smooches.
Everyone gets a smooch.
(kissing sounds)
Oh, give Gene mine.
I'll take it.
(kissing sounds)
I hope a certain wife
is ready to be romanced.
Huh?
Oh.
Oh, Bobby.
A pancake
shaped like a heart.
Wow.
We got the rejects.
Mine looks like a moustache.
Pancake rides, five cents.
I can't see what mine looks
like, but it feels
ear-shaped maybe?
What you doing under
the table, you silly?
Hiding. I-I mean I'm not here
so I can't go to school.
But it's Valentine's Day.
You love Valentine's Day.
Until the St. Valentine's Day
disaster last year. What?
I'm talking about
Jimmy Jr.'s Valentine card.
Here, Tina.
"From"?
No...!
My heart was murdered
by the word "from."
No one says "I from you."
I'm not going to school today.
If Tina's not going, I'm not going.
Scoot over.
Yeah, we made a pact.
Everybody out from under there.
You're all going to school.
GENE: No.
Yes.
There's a lot of learning
to do down here.
What's under there?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Come on, it's raining,
I'll give you a ride.
♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪
♪ Buckle it up
or you'll die. ♪
So? I'd say I knocked it
out of the park
with your mother this year.
Mm, more like a swing and a miss.
Heart-shaped pancakes
is just as bad as a "from."
No, it isn't.
You do the same thing every year, Dad.
You need to mix it up.
Yeah.
What? I mix it up.
I mean, I stick to a central theme,
hearts, but your mom loves them.
Yeah, she never gets tired of them.
Huh?
Mmm...
Huh?
Oh...
Well?
Mm... (groans)
Hmm.
Grow up, Dad.
Only kids get to make homemade gifts.
She deserves something nice this year.
Mom's a real keeper.
She's okay.
TEDDY:
So, Lin,
did Bob make another
last-minute
heart-shaped thing
this year?
Flapjacks.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah, it's all right.
Valentine's Day isn't about valentines.
It's about two people being in love.
♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ I'd kill myself. ♪
Tough song.
It's talking about us, Mort.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Going on about love
when you guys don't...
Have any love...
in the slightest?
I just got a great idea.
I'm gonna find love
for both of you today.
We are gonna do speed dating.
All right. I could go for that. I'm in.
I'll make a sign.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
BOB:
Okay, so what do you think
your mom wants--
chocolates? Perfume?
We don't think what Mom wants.
We know what Mom wants.
Great, what does she want?
A Grazielda figurine.
Oh, yeah, those porcelain thingies.
Okay, I'll-I'll get
one of those. Thanks.
All right, have a good day, kids.
Dad, there are hundreds of Grazieldas,
thousands maybe.
Taking our jobs, marrying our women.
Only we know the exact one Mom wants.
Yeah, if you pick the wrong one,
it's like you got her nothing!
Okay, so tell me--
which one is it?
We'll tell you...
at the mall.
Yeah, we should go to the mall.
My heart will be safe
from Jimmy Jr. there.
Hey, I'm not taking you out
of school to go to the mall.
Okay, well, you know,
it's your marriage.
(knock on window)
You're holding up the line.
Hold on, one minute.
Hmm, I could stand to wow her.
(horns honking) Then wow the woman.
Stop, I'm... wait!
Come on, move it!
You move it!
I'm saying good-bye to my kids! (groans)
You're sure you know?
I know.
All right, we're going
to the mall then!
(whoops) To the mall!
Yeah!
Okay.
Eat it, you losers!
♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪
♪ Buckle it up
or you'll die. ♪
Okay, we go in, you tell me
which one to buy,
I get you back
to school by 10:00,
and you can tell your teachers,
um, you had, uh...
A dyslexic episode!
Pregnancy.
BOB: Hmm.
Shingles.
Uh, yeah, that's good, fine.
BOB:
Wow, these are all so corny.
LOUISE: What's so corny about
a puppy under an umbrella?
(Bob groans)
All right, so which one
does your mom want?
That one!
That one!
That one?
That one.
Wait a second, you have no clue
which one your mom wants--
you just tricked me
to get out of school.
How dare you!
I believed them, too, Dad.
Egg on our face, huh?
Let me guess-- looking
for a Grazielda
for your lovely wife?
Yeah, so which one
is the least expensive?
Oh, this is kind of our starter
figurine-- La Princessa.
She's $250.
What? That's your cheapest?
I don't like that word.
Perhaps you nor your wife are
really serious about Grazieldas.
No, we're not.
Who would be serious
about these things?
Bill Belichick, Peter Frampton,
Linda Lavin to name a few.
Kids, we're leaving.
LINDA:
Welcome, ladies,
to Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.
You'll have one minute
with these fine gentlemen,
and when you hear this--
Kank-kank-- switch partners.
But if you hear this--
cra-cra-crank--
change topics.
And who's ready to fall in love?
(watch beeps) Speed date.
So, Teddy, this is Gina.
You two are now
in pre-love.
We are?
Well, you got 60 seconds
to figure it out.
So, ticktock, let's go.
Uh, I'm Teddy,
like Linda said earlier.
Um, what do we talk about?
Uh, I don't know.
What do we talk about?
I want to lick this one
like an envelope, mmm.
Great, mail jokes.
(laughs) Oh, you're a mailman.
Kids, how about this cell phone cover?
It says, "Got Milf."
That's perfect, right?
For your mom?
I'll get this and then I'll
bring you kids back to school.
School? Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
Dad, you need to wow her.
This is not gonna wow her.
I thought you were done
half-assing it, Dad.
Why can't you be more romantic?
What? I'm plenty romantic.
Very funny.
Stop goofing.
What was the most romantic
thing you ever did for Mom?
I don't know, I planned stuff.
I planned a whole romantic day
one time.
It was her birthday...
No, wait, it was my birthday...
No, no, no, wait,
it was Valentine's Day.
It was our first
Valentine's Day together.
GENE:
You are the worst storyteller.
Where's Maya Angelou when you need him?
BOB: Yeah, I made a picnic
basket and I picked out a spot
to watch the sunset,
and then my car died.
So we had to get towed
to the mechanic's.
Tell me exactly what was wrong
with the car-- was it a gasket?
Was it the carburetor?
TINA: Guys, he's telling
us a romantic story.
BOB: While the car was getting fixed,
we went to a bar across the street.
It wasn't the beach at sunset,
but we, uh, we had a great time.
TINA: Aw.
And there was this old beat-up
machine, like a love tester
or something, and we squeezed
the lever together,
and it said we were "red hot."
And she kissed me and
that's, uh, that's when
I knew we were in love.
That's it. Buy Mom
the love tester.
What do you mean, the actual machine?
Yeah, she'd totally marry
you if you did that.
Dad, do you remember where that bar is?
Will it take all day to find it?
Hmm, I do think I remember where it is.
Oh, really?
We've got a mission.
The most noble
mission there is--
a love mission.
It's a missionary position mission.
Yeah, she'd really like that.
Probably get it for,
like, 50 bucks, tops.
All right, I'll drop you off at school
and then I'll go to the dive bar.
That's crazy.
School is way out of the way.
They're doing construction
on that one street,
it's raining--
what a clusterjam.
We should go with you, Dad.
All right, you can come,
but then right back to...
Uh-uh-uh, not another
word about school.
To the dive bar!
Next dating game...
speed hand holding.
(watch beeps)
And... hold hands.
Kank-kank!
(grunting)
Teddy, Teddy,
you're gonna hurt her.
You're not trying to crush her.
What?
I don't mind it rough.
Very good, Mort.
You are as limp as can be.
Limp and clammy, my signature hold.
(door opens, bell jingles)
Sergeant Bosco!
What are you doing here?
Someone just robbed a jewelry
store on Front Street.
He fled on foot in this direction
so we're going door-to-door.
Oh.
All we know is he's
five-ten to six-feet tall
with an athletic build.
Eh, none of you guys
fit that description.
Wow, that's harsh. Hey. A few years ago.
Bosco, I couldn't help notice
you don't have a wedding ring.
Did the guy steal that, too?
No, I chucked it into a ravine
after my divorce went through.
Oh.
OFFICER (over radio):
500 block is negative.
Well, keep looking!
Damn, we had him,
and then we lost him.
Talking to me, Bosco?
No!
Maybe don't leave
your thumb on the button?
Eh, what's going on in here?
Speed dating.
Ladies, I think we've
got a new contestant.
No, no, if I wanted to feel like
a loser, I'd just call my kids.
But this is
Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.
Ladies and cops eat free.
All right, you got five minutes.
Okay, couple up,
clank-clank!
How can I help you?
Yeah, I was here
about 15 years ago
and I-I played
this old timey-looking
love tester thing.
Do you still have it?
You mean Dr. Love's
Love Testometer?
Yeah, that's it.
He knows it. Hooray.
Eh, the owner sold it a few years ago.
Oh, man.
Do you know who he sold it to?
Nah, no clue, sorry.
I know where it is.
Hugo!
Bob.
Bob.
Ron.
Hugo.
Yes, what?
Oh. You know where the love testometer
that used to be here is?
I do. In fact,
later today I'm inspecting
the establishment where
it's currently testometering.
That's great. I think you
should invest in new soap
for your bathroom before you
purchase vintage amusements.
You think soap's the
problem with our bathroom?
But it's not for the restaurant.
It's my Valentine's Day gift for Linda.
Oops, I just forgot where it is.
Oh, come on.
I'm not helping you buy Linda
a romantic Valentine's gift.
Maybe you should tell him, Hugo.
Maybe I don't want to hear it, Ron.
All right.
You're such a jerk, Hugo,
you know that?
There are 97 bars and restaurants
in my expansive jurisdiction.
Good luck finding it, Bob.
(laughs)
BOB (sighs):
Back to the mall, I guess.
Don't take this lying down, Dad.
But Hugo won't tell us
where the testometer is.
He said he's inspecting
the place today.
So, okay, so what day is it?
It's today.
Right.
So you have to follow him.
Yes! It's Valentine's Day, damn it.
You're right. He'll lead us
right to the love testometer.
Let's ride.
Hyah!
(whoops) But let's get a hot chocolate
or something first.
It's all rainy out.
Great idea, Eugene.
Whoo-hoo.
Mm-hmm.
TINA (groaning):
You're too close!
He'll see us.
I know what I'm doing.
I've got a buffer car.
You're gonna lead us
right to the testometer.
And... we lost him.
We didn't lose him, we'll catch up.
I can still see him.
GENE:
Look, he's turning.
No, no, no, don't turn.
All right, uh...
Let's see if I can safely go
through this red light.
We're losing him. Drive!
It's safe! It's safe!
(horn blaring)
BOB: Oh, sorry.
Sorr... I'll go.
(car horn beeps)
I'll go... Stop!
(truck horn blares) Okay!
(horns honking)
I'm... I'm in the FBI.
It's, uh, uh...
it's official business!
S-Sorry.
(horns honking)
Kank-kank.
All right, new game.
Everyone say your favorite food.
(watch beeps) Go.
Soy sauce.
Wax lips?
Plain white rice.
Fried green tomatoes.
Favorite love-making position.
Go!
The Fried Green Tomato.
The Pick n' Roll.
The Broken Sprinkler.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
The Sticky Wicket.
No, no, no. Getting people
to say their favorite things
isn't gonna work.
Sure it is. If you
like the same food
or sex angles, you're compatible.
I'd do the exact opposite.
I'd make everyone say the worst
thing about themselves,
the most embarrassing, darkest secret.
If the other person can
stomach you for another second,
then maybe you have
a chance together, maybe.
What? That is the
least romantic...
I want to do it. Let's do it. I'm game.
No.
I'll go first.
Hi there.
I'm part of a secret society.
We hunt men for sport.
Hello. I've had
a yeast infection for ten years.
Stop. Oh, Gina, no. (gags)
Sometimes I just put the mail
down the storm drain.
I knew it. I knew it.
Yeah, there you go.
I called in a bomb threat once
'cause I heard Mark Harmon
was staying at this hotel.
I wanted to see him evacuate,
and then I stalked him
for a year and hit
his wife with my car.
No, stop it.
Saying icky stuff about yourselves
isn't what Valentine's Day is about.
Now, stop it.
Well, it's what love's about.
And if you women can handle my baggage,
then you can fly with me,
but bring a sick bag,
'cause it's gonna be a real bumpy ride.
Clean-up, aisle
my panties.
No.
Psst, over here.
Huh?
Hey, do you have
a coin-operated machine
in there that predicts love?
Can't I just take out the trash
one time without getting
hit on by some perv?
He may be a perv, but that's my dad.
Hugo's gonna take forever.
We wouldn't have to wait
for Hugo to lead us
to the next place if we
found out where he's going.
It's locked.
But the window's open a crack.
Maybe we can find a hanger or...
Hangers are for Sunday school clothes.
Bring me a rock.
We're not smashing the window.
It'll look like the rain did it.
Do it.
Get that clipboard.
Gene, stop. RON: Uh, thanks.
Hugo would have blamed me for that.
Oh, hey. Hi, Ron. This is...
Ron, what are you doing here?
Hey!
This not my van.
We were just gonna
get some ice cream
from this truck here.
We're just getting the clipboard.
Listen, Hugo's wrong
not to help you out.
I don't know which place
has the testometer,
but, uh, this is
where we're going today.
Hey, thanks, Ron.
You know, we'll check those places out.
You're a good guy to help us.
You're a great guy.
I look up to you, man.
Oh.
I wouldn't mind having
a friend like you.
Okay, let's go, kids.
Thanks again, Ron.
See you.
♪ Falafel ♪
♪ We're on a love mission ♪
♪ Pizza ♪
♪ We're on a love mission ♪
♪ All the rest ♪
♪ We're on a love mission. ♪
Kids, uh, stay outside.
Excuse me, sir, do you have
something called the love testometer?
I got your love testometer
right here, pal.
That goes in the buttbank.
GENE:
Yah!
Yah! Hyah!
Well, this is the last place
on the list.
It better be here.
I'll have a seven and seven.
No! Make it an
eight and eight.
Make mine a double, would you?
A 16 and 16, thank you.
I'm good with water.
No, wait.
Um, yeah, just water.
Kids, please. Look, I-I've
been driving all over,
trying to find my wife
this Valentine's gift,
and you're my last hope.
Everybody loves these tiny umbrellas.
How many does she want?
No, no, no.
I'm actually looking
for Dr. Love's Love Testometer.
Please say you have it;
I want to buy it from you.
You want to buy my love testometer?
You-you actually have it?
Yeah, it's right over there.
It's exactly as I remembered.
It's beautiful.
I'd love to sell it to you.
Great!
But I can't, I already sold it.
Hello, Bob.
Lookie what I just boughtie.
Odd bumping into you here, Bob.
Oh, wait. No, it's not.
I knew you were coming, thanks to
Mr. Opens-the-van-for-anyone
over here.
Hugo noticed the missing
carbon copy from the clipboard.
Nerd.
Now Ron's not allowed to ride
up front with me in the van.
Come on, Dad,
you need to get that
testometer for Mom.
I'm starting to disappear.
How much did he pay for that?
A hundred bucks for that junk.
(sighs) All right.
Hugo, please sell me
the love testometer.
Uh, no. Hugo, this isn't
about me and you.
This is about giving a woman a gift
to make up for years of-of...
Crap?
Well, not quite crap, Tina.
Last-minute nothings?
Crap.
Listen, Hugo, please sell it to me.
Linda deserves it.
Okay, Bob, I will sell it to you.
For $500.
But you only paid $100.
$500?
Is that thing magic?
You want it or not, Bob?
Of course he wants it.
It's just his money's all tied up
in real estate right now so...
Do you take fake credit cards?
All right, fine.
Another thing about me,
I'm hooked on pills.
The bad kind that make you feel good.
I like to play with a yo-yo,
so something comes back to me.
People, enough with the confessions.
You should know that
there's hardwood under this carpet.
Yeah, there you go.
Stop, Mort, keep that carpet on.
Damn it, Sergeant Bosco.
You're infecting everyone
with your poison.
Don't you have a jewelry store
thief to catch or something?
That's why I have one of these;
it's called a radio.
And one of these;
it's called a gun.
Yeah, well, what you don't have
is one of these.
(imitates heartbeat) A heart.
Mmm.
Ugh.
Pleasure doing business with you, Bob.
Wow. Now you won't have to get
Mom another gift for 30 years.
Yup. This is the best
present ever,
a living memory.
Your Mom and I even carved
our initials on the side. See?
Who's "BB"?
Bob Belcher.
No, who's the other "BB"?
Uh, what other...
Oh, God.
(rock music playing)
This is fun.
What?
Barbara Bunkley!
Oh, how could I have forgotten
that Valentine's Day was
with Barbara Bunkley?
Who is Barbara Bunkley?
What was I thinking?
Barbara Bunkley!
Will someone please tell me
who Barbara Bunkley is?!
I'm guessing it's our real mom.
And she's beautiful and sporty.
She was my girlfriend
the year before I met your mother.
I can't believe that.
The date I'm remembering
wasn't with your mom.
(laughing) What a moron!
So this love mission was a sham?
Hugo, I don't want it anymore.
Take this stupid thing back.
Oh, no, Bob, no refunds.
Okay, okay, there we go.
I guess we're a little
short on women, huh?
Yeah, yeah, work those nubs.
Ooh, that's it, right there.
Another hard truth about me...
Oh, you stupid...
I pepper-sprayed my barber,
but I mean, look at this.
(angry muttering)
Here it goes.
I dress up as Santa every night.
It's the only way I can go to sleep.
Uh... What, Miss ten-year
yeast infection.
See a doctor, why don't you?
(angry muttering)
I have a prison pen pal.
He thinks my name is Michelle.
Technically he's my fiancé.
I also ran over
Vinny Testaverde's wife.
Oh, that's it!
Everyone needs to stop listening
to this cruddy duddy right now!
Kank-kank-kank.
Too bad, Linda, you just
don't know anything about dating.
Yes, I do.
Then why is everyone listening to me?
They're not.
They are.
Oh, yeah, well, without this...
(gasping) Whoa!
...no one's gonna listen
to you anymore, tough guy.
Yeppity-do, da-da-da.
Sha-ba-da-ba-bum.
Uh, Lin, I don't think you can
take a police officer's gun.
Sure I can. I
just did. Look.
No, I mean, by law.
Do you have any idea
what you've just done?
No. Kind of.
Is it bad?
You're under arrest.
(groans)
Oof, oof, tight.
Too tight.
Shush. One size
fits all. Shut up.
What's going on?
Mommy's getting arrested.
What? Whoa-ho-ho, I thought Dad blew it.
Yeah, well, Mommy blew it
real bad here today.
She blew it. Oh.
What's going on
is taking an officer's
sidearm is a felony.
Whoa, Mom, you took his gun?
She sure did, Louise.
I just wanted to get control
of speed dating.
That does not seem like a thing
you would need a gun for.
Where have you been, Bobby?
We spent all day helping Dad
get you the perfect Valentine's gift.
All day? You kids
weren't at school?
Dad sprung us.
I wanted to do something
special for you today.
We... we went all over
town trying to find this thing
from our first
Valentine's Day together.
Dad ran a red light.
We went to Chinatown.
And Pickles.
Pickles?
And I spent $500 on it,
but it wasn't from our first
Valentine's Day together.
It was from a Valentine's Day
I spent with Barbara Bunkley.
I remembered it wrong.
I'm so sorry,
I'm... I'm an idiot.
So you're telling me
you let the kids play hooky
to run all over town
to hunt down some
expensive thing you remembered
from a date we didn't even go on?
Yes.
That... is...
so romantic!
Aw.
Aw.
What?
Oh, Bobby!
You went through all
that trouble for me.
This is the best Valentine's Day ever.
Ever!
(radio beeps) Give me that.
So you came here for speed dating?
No. A jewelry store
got robbed.
The suspect was spotted in the area.
But you stayed for speed dating? Yeah.
You must be hard up for chicks. Yup.
I'm sorry I'm getting
arrested on Valentine's Day.
Come here.
(kissing sounds)
Ow. Ow.
So, uh... what,
I'll-I'll follow you two
down to the station?
Yep. This little lady
is going right to...
(static crackles) Shh! Shh!
Wait! Shut up! Shut up!
OFFICER (over radio):
Be advised.
Jewelry store suspect spotted
at 15th and Grand.
All right, I'm on my
way. You, follow me.
Well, I guess it's your lucky day.
You talking to me?
No, for God's sake.
I'll show you how to use the radio
when you get back to the station.
Oh!
It's so easy to call in a false tip.
Those streets don't even intersect.
Hi, Tina.
Hi, Jimmy, Jr.
You weren't at school today,
so I brought you your homework.
Thanks.
And a Valentine's card.
(groaning)
Aren't you gonna open it?
"Heart"
not "from." Yes.
So, see you at school tomorrow.
I'd really "heart" that.
Uh, what?
I'd really "hea..."
I got to get going.
Yeah, me, too.
So, that, uh, stuff you said earlier,
that's the worst about you?
Yup. That's it.
Oh, except for one time...
Oh, oh, oh!
Don't say it.
Here's my number.
(shuttering moan)
Hey, I made a match!
I bet I screw this up.
LINDA:
Kank-kank-kank.
♪ ♪
LINDA:
♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ I'd kill myself. ♪
LINDA:
Happy Valentine's Day
to all my loves.
Smooches.
Everyone gets a smooch.
(kissing sounds)
Oh, give Gene mine.
I'll take it.
(kissing sounds)
I hope a certain wife
is ready to be romanced.
Huh?
Oh.
Oh, Bobby.
A pancake
shaped like a heart.
Wow.
We got the rejects.
Mine looks like a moustache.
Pancake rides, five cents.
I can't see what mine looks
like, but it feels
ear-shaped maybe?
What you doing under
the table, you silly?
Hiding. I-I mean I'm not here
so I can't go to school.
But it's Valentine's Day.
You love Valentine's Day.
Until the St. Valentine's Day
disaster last year. What?
I'm talking about
Jimmy Jr.'s Valentine card.
Here, Tina.
"From"?
No...!
My heart was murdered
by the word "from."
No one says "I from you."
I'm not going to school today.
If Tina's not going, I'm not going.
Scoot over.
Yeah, we made a pact.
Everybody out from under there.
You're all going to school.
GENE: No.
Yes.
There's a lot of learning
to do down here.
What's under there?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Come on, it's raining,
I'll give you a ride.
♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪
♪ Buckle it up
or you'll die. ♪
So? I'd say I knocked it
out of the park
with your mother this year.
Mm, more like a swing and a miss.
Heart-shaped pancakes
is just as bad as a "from."
No, it isn't.
You do the same thing every year, Dad.
You need to mix it up.
Yeah.
What? I mix it up.
I mean, I stick to a central theme,
hearts, but your mom loves them.
Yeah, she never gets tired of them.
Huh?
Mmm...
Huh?
Oh...
Well?
Mm... (groans)
Hmm.
Grow up, Dad.
Only kids get to make homemade gifts.
She deserves something nice this year.
Mom's a real keeper.
She's okay.
TEDDY:
So, Lin,
did Bob make another
last-minute
heart-shaped thing
this year?
Flapjacks.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah, it's all right.
Valentine's Day isn't about valentines.
It's about two people being in love.
♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ I'd kill myself. ♪
Tough song.
It's talking about us, Mort.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Going on about love
when you guys don't...
Have any love...
in the slightest?
I just got a great idea.
I'm gonna find love
for both of you today.
We are gonna do speed dating.
All right. I could go for that. I'm in.
I'll make a sign.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
BOB:
Okay, so what do you think
your mom wants--
chocolates? Perfume?
We don't think what Mom wants.
We know what Mom wants.
Great, what does she want?
A Grazielda figurine.
Oh, yeah, those porcelain thingies.
Okay, I'll-I'll get
one of those. Thanks.
All right, have a good day, kids.
Dad, there are hundreds of Grazieldas,
thousands maybe.
Taking our jobs, marrying our women.
Only we know the exact one Mom wants.
Yeah, if you pick the wrong one,
it's like you got her nothing!
Okay, so tell me--
which one is it?
We'll tell you...
at the mall.
Yeah, we should go to the mall.
My heart will be safe
from Jimmy Jr. there.
Hey, I'm not taking you out
of school to go to the mall.
Okay, well, you know,
it's your marriage.
(knock on window)
You're holding up the line.
Hold on, one minute.
Hmm, I could stand to wow her.
(horns honking) Then wow the woman.
Stop, I'm... wait!
Come on, move it!
You move it!
I'm saying good-bye to my kids! (groans)
You're sure you know?
I know.
All right, we're going
to the mall then!
(whoops) To the mall!
Yeah!
Okay.
Eat it, you losers!
♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪
♪ Buckle it up
or you'll die. ♪
Okay, we go in, you tell me
which one to buy,
I get you back
to school by 10:00,
and you can tell your teachers,
um, you had, uh...
A dyslexic episode!
Pregnancy.
BOB: Hmm.
Shingles.
Uh, yeah, that's good, fine.
BOB:
Wow, these are all so corny.
LOUISE: What's so corny about
a puppy under an umbrella?
(Bob groans)
All right, so which one
does your mom want?
That one!
That one!
That one?
That one.
Wait a second, you have no clue
which one your mom wants--
you just tricked me
to get out of school.
How dare you!
I believed them, too, Dad.
Egg on our face, huh?
Let me guess-- looking
for a Grazielda
for your lovely wife?
Yeah, so which one
is the least expensive?
Oh, this is kind of our starter
figurine-- La Princessa.
She's $250.
What? That's your cheapest?
I don't like that word.
Perhaps you nor your wife are
really serious about Grazieldas.
No, we're not.
Who would be serious
about these things?
Bill Belichick, Peter Frampton,
Linda Lavin to name a few.
Kids, we're leaving.
LINDA:
Welcome, ladies,
to Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.
You'll have one minute
with these fine gentlemen,
and when you hear this--
Kank-kank-- switch partners.
But if you hear this--
cra-cra-crank--
change topics.
And who's ready to fall in love?
(watch beeps) Speed date.
So, Teddy, this is Gina.
You two are now
in pre-love.
We are?
Well, you got 60 seconds
to figure it out.
So, ticktock, let's go.
Uh, I'm Teddy,
like Linda said earlier.
Um, what do we talk about?
Uh, I don't know.
What do we talk about?
I want to lick this one
like an envelope, mmm.
Great, mail jokes.
(laughs) Oh, you're a mailman.
Kids, how about this cell phone cover?
It says, "Got Milf."
That's perfect, right?
For your mom?
I'll get this and then I'll
bring you kids back to school.
School? Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
Dad, you need to wow her.
This is not gonna wow her.
I thought you were done
half-assing it, Dad.
Why can't you be more romantic?
What? I'm plenty romantic.
Very funny.
Stop goofing.
What was the most romantic
thing you ever did for Mom?
I don't know, I planned stuff.
I planned a whole romantic day
one time.
It was her birthday...
No, wait, it was my birthday...
No, no, no, wait,
it was Valentine's Day.
It was our first
Valentine's Day together.
GENE:
You are the worst storyteller.
Where's Maya Angelou when you need him?
BOB: Yeah, I made a picnic
basket and I picked out a spot
to watch the sunset,
and then my car died.
So we had to get towed
to the mechanic's.
Tell me exactly what was wrong
with the car-- was it a gasket?
Was it the carburetor?
TINA: Guys, he's telling
us a romantic story.
BOB: While the car was getting fixed,
we went to a bar across the street.
It wasn't the beach at sunset,
but we, uh, we had a great time.
TINA: Aw.
And there was this old beat-up
machine, like a love tester
or something, and we squeezed
the lever together,
and it said we were "red hot."
And she kissed me and
that's, uh, that's when
I knew we were in love.
That's it. Buy Mom
the love tester.
What do you mean, the actual machine?
Yeah, she'd totally marry
you if you did that.
Dad, do you remember where that bar is?
Will it take all day to find it?
Hmm, I do think I remember where it is.
Oh, really?
We've got a mission.
The most noble
mission there is--
a love mission.
It's a missionary position mission.
Yeah, she'd really like that.
Probably get it for,
like, 50 bucks, tops.
All right, I'll drop you off at school
and then I'll go to the dive bar.
That's crazy.
School is way out of the way.
They're doing construction
on that one street,
it's raining--
what a clusterjam.
We should go with you, Dad.
All right, you can come,
but then right back to...
Uh-uh-uh, not another
word about school.
To the dive bar!
Next dating game...
speed hand holding.
(watch beeps)
And... hold hands.
Kank-kank!
(grunting)
Teddy, Teddy,
you're gonna hurt her.
You're not trying to crush her.
What?
I don't mind it rough.
Very good, Mort.
You are as limp as can be.
Limp and clammy, my signature hold.
(door opens, bell jingles)
Sergeant Bosco!
What are you doing here?
Someone just robbed a jewelry
store on Front Street.
He fled on foot in this direction
so we're going door-to-door.
Oh.
All we know is he's
five-ten to six-feet tall
with an athletic build.
Eh, none of you guys
fit that description.
Wow, that's harsh. Hey. A few years ago.
Bosco, I couldn't help notice
you don't have a wedding ring.
Did the guy steal that, too?
No, I chucked it into a ravine
after my divorce went through.
Oh.
OFFICER (over radio):
500 block is negative.
Well, keep looking!
Damn, we had him,
and then we lost him.
Talking to me, Bosco?
No!
Maybe don't leave
your thumb on the button?
Eh, what's going on in here?
Speed dating.
Ladies, I think we've
got a new contestant.
No, no, if I wanted to feel like
a loser, I'd just call my kids.
But this is
Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.
Ladies and cops eat free.
All right, you got five minutes.
Okay, couple up,
clank-clank!
How can I help you?
Yeah, I was here
about 15 years ago
and I-I played
this old timey-looking
love tester thing.
Do you still have it?
You mean Dr. Love's
Love Testometer?
Yeah, that's it.
He knows it. Hooray.
Eh, the owner sold it a few years ago.
Oh, man.
Do you know who he sold it to?
Nah, no clue, sorry.
I know where it is.
Hugo!
Bob.
Bob.
Ron.
Hugo.
Yes, what?
Oh. You know where the love testometer
that used to be here is?
I do. In fact,
later today I'm inspecting
the establishment where
it's currently testometering.
That's great. I think you
should invest in new soap
for your bathroom before you
purchase vintage amusements.
You think soap's the
problem with our bathroom?
But it's not for the restaurant.
It's my Valentine's Day gift for Linda.
Oops, I just forgot where it is.
Oh, come on.
I'm not helping you buy Linda
a romantic Valentine's gift.
Maybe you should tell him, Hugo.
Maybe I don't want to hear it, Ron.
All right.
You're such a jerk, Hugo,
you know that?
There are 97 bars and restaurants
in my expansive jurisdiction.
Good luck finding it, Bob.
(laughs)
BOB (sighs):
Back to the mall, I guess.
Don't take this lying down, Dad.
But Hugo won't tell us
where the testometer is.
He said he's inspecting
the place today.
So, okay, so what day is it?
It's today.
Right.
So you have to follow him.
Yes! It's Valentine's Day, damn it.
You're right. He'll lead us
right to the love testometer.
Let's ride.
Hyah!
(whoops) But let's get a hot chocolate
or something first.
It's all rainy out.
Great idea, Eugene.
Whoo-hoo.
Mm-hmm.
TINA (groaning):
You're too close!
He'll see us.
I know what I'm doing.
I've got a buffer car.
You're gonna lead us
right to the testometer.
And... we lost him.
We didn't lose him, we'll catch up.
I can still see him.
GENE:
Look, he's turning.
No, no, no, don't turn.
All right, uh...
Let's see if I can safely go
through this red light.
We're losing him. Drive!
It's safe! It's safe!
(horn blaring)
BOB: Oh, sorry.
Sorr... I'll go.
(car horn beeps)
I'll go... Stop!
(truck horn blares) Okay!
(horns honking)
I'm... I'm in the FBI.
It's, uh, uh...
it's official business!
S-Sorry.
(horns honking)
Kank-kank.
All right, new game.
Everyone say your favorite food.
(watch beeps) Go.
Soy sauce.
Wax lips?
Plain white rice.
Fried green tomatoes.
Favorite love-making position.
Go!
The Fried Green Tomato.
The Pick n' Roll.
The Broken Sprinkler.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
The Sticky Wicket.
No, no, no. Getting people
to say their favorite things
isn't gonna work.
Sure it is. If you
like the same food
or sex angles, you're compatible.
I'd do the exact opposite.
I'd make everyone say the worst
thing about themselves,
the most embarrassing, darkest secret.
If the other person can
stomach you for another second,
then maybe you have
a chance together, maybe.
What? That is the
least romantic...
I want to do it. Let's do it. I'm game.
No.
I'll go first.
Hi there.
I'm part of a secret society.
We hunt men for sport.
Hello. I've had
a yeast infection for ten years.
Stop. Oh, Gina, no. (gags)
Sometimes I just put the mail
down the storm drain.
I knew it. I knew it.
Yeah, there you go.
I called in a bomb threat once
'cause I heard Mark Harmon
was staying at this hotel.
I wanted to see him evacuate,
and then I stalked him
for a year and hit
his wife with my car.
No, stop it.
Saying icky stuff about yourselves
isn't what Valentine's Day is about.
Now, stop it.
Well, it's what love's about.
And if you women can handle my baggage,
then you can fly with me,
but bring a sick bag,
'cause it's gonna be a real bumpy ride.
Clean-up, aisle
my panties.
No.
Psst, over here.
Huh?
Hey, do you have
a coin-operated machine
in there that predicts love?
Can't I just take out the trash
one time without getting
hit on by some perv?
He may be a perv, but that's my dad.
Hugo's gonna take forever.
We wouldn't have to wait
for Hugo to lead us
to the next place if we
found out where he's going.
It's locked.
But the window's open a crack.
Maybe we can find a hanger or...
Hangers are for Sunday school clothes.
Bring me a rock.
We're not smashing the window.
It'll look like the rain did it.
Do it.
Get that clipboard.
Gene, stop. RON: Uh, thanks.
Hugo would have blamed me for that.
Oh, hey. Hi, Ron. This is...
Ron, what are you doing here?
Hey!
This not my van.
We were just gonna
get some ice cream
from this truck here.
We're just getting the clipboard.
Listen, Hugo's wrong
not to help you out.
I don't know which place
has the testometer,
but, uh, this is
where we're going today.
Hey, thanks, Ron.
You know, we'll check those places out.
You're a good guy to help us.
You're a great guy.
I look up to you, man.
Oh.
I wouldn't mind having
a friend like you.
Okay, let's go, kids.
Thanks again, Ron.
See you.
♪ Falafel ♪
♪ We're on a love mission ♪
♪ Pizza ♪
♪ We're on a love mission ♪
♪ All the rest ♪
♪ We're on a love mission. ♪
Kids, uh, stay outside.
Excuse me, sir, do you have
something called the love testometer?
I got your love testometer
right here, pal.
That goes in the buttbank.
GENE:
Yah!
Yah! Hyah!
Well, this is the last place
on the list.
It better be here.
I'll have a seven and seven.
No! Make it an
eight and eight.
Make mine a double, would you?
A 16 and 16, thank you.
I'm good with water.
No, wait.
Um, yeah, just water.
Kids, please. Look, I-I've
been driving all over,
trying to find my wife
this Valentine's gift,
and you're my last hope.
Everybody loves these tiny umbrellas.
How many does she want?
No, no, no.
I'm actually looking
for Dr. Love's Love Testometer.
Please say you have it;
I want to buy it from you.
You want to buy my love testometer?
You-you actually have it?
Yeah, it's right over there.
It's exactly as I remembered.
It's beautiful.
I'd love to sell it to you.
Great!
But I can't, I already sold it.
Hello, Bob.
Lookie what I just boughtie.
Odd bumping into you here, Bob.
Oh, wait. No, it's not.
I knew you were coming, thanks to
Mr. Opens-the-van-for-anyone
over here.
Hugo noticed the missing
carbon copy from the clipboard.
Nerd.
Now Ron's not allowed to ride
up front with me in the van.
Come on, Dad,
you need to get that
testometer for Mom.
I'm starting to disappear.
How much did he pay for that?
A hundred bucks for that junk.
(sighs) All right.
Hugo, please sell me
the love testometer.
Uh, no. Hugo, this isn't
about me and you.
This is about giving a woman a gift
to make up for years of-of...
Crap?
Well, not quite crap, Tina.
Last-minute nothings?
Crap.
Listen, Hugo, please sell it to me.
Linda deserves it.
Okay, Bob, I will sell it to you.
For $500.
But you only paid $100.
$500?
Is that thing magic?
You want it or not, Bob?
Of course he wants it.
It's just his money's all tied up
in real estate right now so...
Do you take fake credit cards?
All right, fine.
Another thing about me,
I'm hooked on pills.
The bad kind that make you feel good.
I like to play with a yo-yo,
so something comes back to me.
People, enough with the confessions.
You should know that
there's hardwood under this carpet.
Yeah, there you go.
Stop, Mort, keep that carpet on.
Damn it, Sergeant Bosco.
You're infecting everyone
with your poison.
Don't you have a jewelry store
thief to catch or something?
That's why I have one of these;
it's called a radio.
And one of these;
it's called a gun.
Yeah, well, what you don't have
is one of these.
(imitates heartbeat) A heart.
Mmm.
Ugh.
Pleasure doing business with you, Bob.
Wow. Now you won't have to get
Mom another gift for 30 years.
Yup. This is the best
present ever,
a living memory.
Your Mom and I even carved
our initials on the side. See?
Who's "BB"?
Bob Belcher.
No, who's the other "BB"?
Uh, what other...
Oh, God.
(rock music playing)
This is fun.
What?
Barbara Bunkley!
Oh, how could I have forgotten
that Valentine's Day was
with Barbara Bunkley?
Who is Barbara Bunkley?
What was I thinking?
Barbara Bunkley!
Will someone please tell me
who Barbara Bunkley is?!
I'm guessing it's our real mom.
And she's beautiful and sporty.
She was my girlfriend
the year before I met your mother.
I can't believe that.
The date I'm remembering
wasn't with your mom.
(laughing) What a moron!
So this love mission was a sham?
Hugo, I don't want it anymore.
Take this stupid thing back.
Oh, no, Bob, no refunds.
Okay, okay, there we go.
I guess we're a little
short on women, huh?
Yeah, yeah, work those nubs.
Ooh, that's it, right there.
Another hard truth about me...
Oh, you stupid...
I pepper-sprayed my barber,
but I mean, look at this.
(angry muttering)
Here it goes.
I dress up as Santa every night.
It's the only way I can go to sleep.
Uh... What, Miss ten-year
yeast infection.
See a doctor, why don't you?
(angry muttering)
I have a prison pen pal.
He thinks my name is Michelle.
Technically he's my fiancé.
I also ran over
Vinny Testaverde's wife.
Oh, that's it!
Everyone needs to stop listening
to this cruddy duddy right now!
Kank-kank-kank.
Too bad, Linda, you just
don't know anything about dating.
Yes, I do.
Then why is everyone listening to me?
They're not.
They are.
Oh, yeah, well, without this...
(gasping) Whoa!
...no one's gonna listen
to you anymore, tough guy.
Yeppity-do, da-da-da.
Sha-ba-da-ba-bum.
Uh, Lin, I don't think you can
take a police officer's gun.
Sure I can. I
just did. Look.
No, I mean, by law.
Do you have any idea
what you've just done?
No. Kind of.
Is it bad?
You're under arrest.
(groans)
Oof, oof, tight.
Too tight.
Shush. One size
fits all. Shut up.
What's going on?
Mommy's getting arrested.
What? Whoa-ho-ho, I thought Dad blew it.
Yeah, well, Mommy blew it
real bad here today.
She blew it. Oh.
What's going on
is taking an officer's
sidearm is a felony.
Whoa, Mom, you took his gun?
She sure did, Louise.
I just wanted to get control
of speed dating.
That does not seem like a thing
you would need a gun for.
Where have you been, Bobby?
We spent all day helping Dad
get you the perfect Valentine's gift.
All day? You kids
weren't at school?
Dad sprung us.
I wanted to do something
special for you today.
We... we went all over
town trying to find this thing
from our first
Valentine's Day together.
Dad ran a red light.
We went to Chinatown.
And Pickles.
Pickles?
And I spent $500 on it,
but it wasn't from our first
Valentine's Day together.
It was from a Valentine's Day
I spent with Barbara Bunkley.
I remembered it wrong.
I'm so sorry,
I'm... I'm an idiot.
So you're telling me
you let the kids play hooky
to run all over town
to hunt down some
expensive thing you remembered
from a date we didn't even go on?
Yes.
That... is...
so romantic!
Aw.
Aw.
What?
Oh, Bobby!
You went through all
that trouble for me.
This is the best Valentine's Day ever.
Ever!
(radio beeps) Give me that.
So you came here for speed dating?
No. A jewelry store
got robbed.
The suspect was spotted in the area.
But you stayed for speed dating? Yeah.
You must be hard up for chicks. Yup.
I'm sorry I'm getting
arrested on Valentine's Day.
Come here.
(kissing sounds)
Ow. Ow.
So, uh... what,
I'll-I'll follow you two
down to the station?
Yep. This little lady
is going right to...
(static crackles) Shh! Shh!
Wait! Shut up! Shut up!
OFFICER (over radio):
Be advised.
Jewelry store suspect spotted
at 15th and Grand.
All right, I'm on my
way. You, follow me.
Well, I guess it's your lucky day.
You talking to me?
No, for God's sake.
I'll show you how to use the radio
when you get back to the station.
Oh!
It's so easy to call in a false tip.
Those streets don't even intersect.
Hi, Tina.
Hi, Jimmy, Jr.
You weren't at school today,
so I brought you your homework.
Thanks.
And a Valentine's card.
(groaning)
Aren't you gonna open it?
"Heart"
not "from." Yes.
So, see you at school tomorrow.
I'd really "heart" that.
Uh, what?
I'd really "hea..."
I got to get going.
Yeah, me, too.
So, that, uh, stuff you said earlier,
that's the worst about you?
Yup. That's it.
Oh, except for one time...
Oh, oh, oh!
Don't say it.
Here's my number.
(shuttering moan)
Hey, I made a match!
I bet I screw this up.
LINDA:
Kank-kank-kank.
♪ ♪
LINDA:
♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Two people ♪
♪ Together forever ♪
♪ Security in life ♪
♪ And someone to love ya ♪
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪
♪ I'd kill myself. ♪