Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Nude Beach - full transcript

Will the burger be hot enough?

Hot enough to kill
the deadly bacteria?

Or is it so cool
that I will shut you down?

One sixty-three,
one sixty-four...

One sixty-five.

Hot patty. It's safe.
Damn it!

- Yay!
- Yay!

Grade-A ground beef.

Meaning we dropped it on the ground.
Louise.

Are we done here, Hugo?
Almost.

There's just
the little matter



of your handwashing
certification.

I don't see it
prominently displayed anywhere.

Come on, nobody needs to be
certified in handwashing.

Yeah! Hands off my hands,
government!

If you wish to
remain open,

you will attend
a one day seminar

exploring the 32 steps of
proper hand sanitation.

I'm not taking that seminar.

Not before you watch

- the introductory DVD, you're not.
- Ugh.

- Come on, Hugo.
- And here's your "C" rating.

Which will remain in your
window until you graduate.

What?!
Hugo, you're an awful man.

Uh, wrong, Bob.



I'm a "lawful" man.

Falafel man.

- Waffle man.
- Omelettes.

Am I doing it right?

We should get
going, Hugo.

Who're you going to
harass next, guys?

Well, Bob, if you must know,

perhaps you've heard
our town is now home

to a disgusting nude beach?

There've been reports of
vendors there serving food

while n-n... naked.

That's how the vendors
served food in the Bible.

- Don't drag religion into this.
- Sorry.

So long, Bob.

Get certified or that "C"
will stand for "closed."

Hi. I'm Andre Royo.

I played Bubbles

on the critically acclaimed
series The Wire.

Today I'm here to talk about
a different kind of bubbles.

Soap bubbles.

When washing your hands,

do it for the time it takes
to count to a thousand.

One... two... three...
four...

Bobby, when are you and me

gonna go to that nude beach
that Hugo was talking about?

Ugh. Nude beaches are
full of overweight,

out-of-shape old bodies
and I don't want to go there

and realize I look
exactly like that.

I'll go
with you, Mom.

Mother-daughter
nudity day. Fun!

I'm pretty sure
it's no kids allowed.

No kids allowed?

Hmm...

Look through here and
tell me what you see.

It's a cliff.

My turn!

That's a cliff, all right.

Tina, you nailed it!

No, it's a cliff that
overlooks the nude beach.

And if we figure out
how to get up there,

we could sell tours...
nudity tours...

to teenage boys.

It's like the Internet,
but outside.

Yes!

Hey, whoa, God!

We're not even at the
nude beach yet, you.

Guess my boobs didn't get the memo.
Ha!

It's like we're in Paris.

- I love it.
- I know.

C'est la vie.
Let's go! Whoo!

Keep hacking! Come on, guys,

we're gonna be the Lewis
and Clark of nudism!

I'll be the
Sacajawea.

Of sacks!

This is fun!

You already took
your bottoms off!

Whoa, whoa!
What kind of shape is that?

I don't know, it started
out to be a triangle,

but then I had to do it myself,
and then, I don't know...

it's like a flower or something.
Whoa.

Check out the hot guys
in the drum circle.

Hi.

Hey, that looks like...
Oh, my God!

Bobby, you're not
gonna believe this.

He was at
the nude beach!

Wait, who was there?
Hugo!

Yeah, he was trying to
shut the place down.

No, he's one
of them now.

One of what?
A nudist! Nudie!

He was playing
in the waves.

Dancing around.

He looked like, ah...

Madonna in the
"Cherish" video.

Th-that's
not possible.

He said he took a leave
of absence to be nude.

So... Hugo's not our
health inspector anymore?

Do you know
what this means?

We're free!
Ah! Oh, oh!

No more surprise inspections!
Ha, ha!

No more stupid
violations!

And I am not going to
the handwashing class!

Filth!

I wash my hands.

Unbelievable.

Hugo the health
inspector is a nudist!

I know, can
you believe it?

Gretchen and I spotted him
from across the sands...

Out with the bad air,

in with the nude air.

Don't be embarrassed,
Linda.

Yes, we were once an item,

and true, we never saw each
other nude back then...

unfortunately...

but better late than never.

What happened? I thought
you were gonna shut this place down.

Oh, my investigation?

Let's just say
what I uncovered

in that investigation

was my very own soul.
Wow.

The old Hugo would have
seen this man

as a health hazard,
pure and simple.

The new Hugo sees
only a man.

A nude man
selling blondies.

Three blondies,
please.

Whoa, wai... Wha...
Where'd you pull that from?

My fanny pack.
Where's your fanny pack?

Oop. Oh-ho!
There it is.

Well, it kind of
makes sense.

I mean, the guy
was wound so tight

he was like a tubby
little time bomb.

Teletubby time bomb.

Kids! Come in here!
I have amazing news.

Can't it wait?
We're tired.

And rashy.

Where were you?
Bushwacking a trail to the nude overlook.

Dad, before you
say anything,

know that we're gonna come out
of this deal stinkin' rich!

And we're gonna put
a roof over you and Ma.

Well, good luck.
I'd pay not to have to look at those people.

Hey, Dad, whoa,
whoa, whoa, rewind.

I'd like to hear
your amazing news.

Everyone, Hugo is not
a health inspector anymore.

He's a nudist!

Ron! I think I know
why you're here.

Go ahead, I'll pretend
I haven't heard.

It's true.

Hugo has taken
a leave of absence.

We miss him terribly
and hope for his speedy return.

Ha-ha! Right.

All right, well,

I'd like you to meet
Hugo's replacement.

Hey, hello, Tommy Jaronda.
Pleasure to meet you.

Hi. Uh... what,
you're the new Hugo?

Well, there's only one Hugo.

Yeah, well, I'm here,
so let's get into it.

Oh, um...
listen, Inspector, uh, Jaronda,

I know you're just
doing your job,

but we got inspected
two days ago, so...

Yeah, yeah, it's cool, Bob.

Yeah, yeah, you know what?
Call me Tommy.

Okay, Tommy.

All right.

I'm seeing a lot of
tickytacky fouls here.

What, he made you go to
a handwashing seminar?

That's some major B.S.

Pardon my language, kids.
How are you? Hello.

No sweat off
our ass.

Yeah, that Hugo,
he kind of had it out for us.

Ugh. I-I can't stand
inspectors like that.

You know? Makes us
look like turds.

"No one can make you
look like a turd

without your permission."
Eleanor Roosevelt.

Ha! This kid's a trip!
Funny stuff, funny stuff.

You know what?
I'm actually, uh...

I'm starving.
You hungry, Ron-Ton?

You mean eat one of
Bob's burgers?

Hugo would never...
Oh, come on, Ron.

This guy...
How tall is this guy?

He's pretty tall.
The leaning tower of ta... of tall guy.

I'm giving you a
hard time, come here.

Hey, Bob, can you
grill us up a couple?

Um... is this part
of the inspection?

Uh, yeah, something I like to
call the mouth inspection.

Okay.

Whoa! This is incredible!

Wow, first time I
ever got a compliment

from a health
inspector.

You like rock?

Um, yeah.

I like rock... music.

Is that what you're
talking about?

- Yes.
- Okay.

You know, I play
almost every night

over at Pistol McSwish's
Basketball and Brew.

You should come by.

Th-That'd be great.
Absolutely.

What your burger
did to my mouth,

my music is gonna
do to your ears.

That's great...

Come here, come here.
All right, all right.

Get out of here, man.
What are you doing?

Yeah, come here.
Oh. You got me.

What, you punching me?
I'm punching you back.

I think Dad just got to
second base with that guy.

What are you doing
this weekend, brother?

I would like to
visit the nude beach

and see the naked people.

You only live once,
right, my sister?

Haven't you heard?

Kids aren't allowed
on the nude beach.

No!

Unfair, isn't it?

Well, what if I told you that
you could see the nude beach?

Mm!

All the dingles...
Ooh.

All the dongles...
Ahh.

All for one low price.

I want to see the dongles!

Hell, yeah!
Cocoa-buttered boobies!

Sign up here to see the
buff from the bluff!

Don't be shy... they
certainly aren't.

Hello, Louise.

Darryl,
you interested?

You strike me as more
of an indoor nerd.

I am interested,

but not as a customer...

as a key member
of your team.

For a piece
of the action?

Oh-ho-ho,
is that so?

It is so.

If you're nudie watching
from the top of a bluff,

I've got something
that'll double your money.

Basically, this is
the Hubble for boobies.

I've seen my neighbor
across the street

put her bra and girdle on
hundreds of times.

Aren't girdles for old people?

They are.
And she is.

Nice.

How come we're doing
all the lugging?

You're also doing
all the yapping.

Nudes, ho!

Starting tomorrow, we're gonna
be flush with ass-cash.

Whatcha doin', Pops?

Hitting the streets
for some hooch?

No, he's off to
Pistol McSwish's

to see the new health
inspector play his rock.

I have to go.

We want to keep this
guy on our side.

Tommy! I was just heading out
to catch your set...

Bob! You're never
gonna believe it!

That idiot who owns
Pistol McSwish's

told me I can't
play there anymore!

What? How come?
'Cause he don't know nothin'

about good rock, that's how come.
Aw.

Wait... Hey, I
could play here.

Here? Uh, what?
Yeah.

- Nah.
- Yeah, no.

The acoustics
in here are not...

No. The acoustics
in here are great.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
sounds good in here.

Oh, clapping. Clapping's fun.
Echo. Echo.

Stop. Stop.
Echo. Echo.

Gene, stop. Gene.
Ah! Ah!

Oh, it's done.
I'm grabbing my amp.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

♪ I'm a bad man
with a master plan ♪

♪ And the ladies call me Tex

♪ And the one thing
all the ladies know is ♪

♪ I'm good at having...

♪ Sex, sex, sex,
sex, sex, sex, sex ♪

♪ I leave my shirt on,
that's okay ♪

♪ Don't make me feel
self-conscious, babe ♪

♪ Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, when
you're done, say that was fun ♪

♪ We might've made a little son,
I'm good at sex ♪

♪ You're bad at sex, I'm good
at sex, you're bad at sex ♪

♪ I'm good at sex,
you're bad at sex ♪

♪ I'm good at sex, you're bad
at sex, I'm good at sex... ♪

Oh, my God.

Tommy's music is terrible.

He's driving out
all the customers.

You told him he could
play here all week?

I don't think I did.

I did. But this is still way
better than dealing with Hugo.

You got to say
something.

What about that song,
"Elderly Prostitute"?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da,
elderly prostitute ♪

♪ Da, da, da, boo, ba,
elderly prostitute... ♪

All right,
I'll say something.

So, what'd you guys think?
Did you like my rock?

D'oh.
Tommy, that, uh... rocked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Linda, what'd you think?

Ha!
Did it speak to you as a lady?

Now be honest.
It screamed in my face as a lady.

Oh, Mom loved it.
Sell her a CD.

Done.
Yeah, listen, Tommy,

can I talk to you about something I...
Come on, let's go backstage.

Let's go.
What? Oh. Okay.

Hmm!

WhooMan.

What people don't know about
rock, it's a very physical...

experience, you know?
It's-it's very athletic.

You're moving around a lot.
Yeah, yeah.

You noticed that.
It's almost like you moved around too much.

Yeah, I've gotten all kinds
of comments, you know...

"you move around a lot," "you
seem to be having a hard time."

Yeah, I can see that one,
a little bit.

"You're jumping around for no reason."
Right.

"You know, your eyes are bulging
weird. It's off-putting,"

this and that... but that's
what they said about Queen.

Yeah. Did they?
Uh, in rock in general.

Hey, uh, Tommy, uh...
you know, our place

is sort of a family
restaurant and...

some of your songs
are a little risqué.

So I was thinking, maybe don't...
Wait. Hold on a second.

Before I forget, I got a little
something here for you...

it's your inspection file.
There's nothing on here.

That's right! Clean slate.
You're welcome.

Wow. Really?
Yeah, come on, shut up.

Well, thanks, Tommy.
Oh, man.

I still got all that mojo
flowing through me.

You know, I-I got to get it out.

I'm gonna take this van
to the beach

and peel off some burnies.
You want to come?

Um... what's a...
wh-what's a burny?

Ah! Ah, I'm gonna throw up!

I want to go home!
What? This is fun!

Oh, no more burnies!

All right, people, line up!
You'll see we have

many noteworthy specimens
on the beach today.

Only a dollar to get a closer look
at the action. Step right up!

Look through this tube,
see some boob.

Give me the green,
see some peen.

Hey, this is gross.

We came all this way
to see old people?

Ew! Nasty!

You tricked us.

I want my money back.

Uh-oh.

Whoa-whoa, wait,
whoa-ho-ho, you guys,

you're looking at this
the wrong way.

You want to
see nice bodies?!

Get a magazine!
This is real, people!

Check out that guy.
What is that?

Is that a liver spot?
Is that a birthmark?

Is that a third nipple?
Who knows?

You can't write this crap!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Let me see.

I get it.

Yeah, I guess, on second look,
it's better.

This, uh... first song goes
pretty deep.

It's called "Daddy."

Uh... at least it's, uh,
uh, a family song.

♪ Daddy! You abandoned me!

♪ Daddy! You sold drugs to me!

♪ Punches are not hugs to me!

Eh. It's no
"Elderly Prostitute."

Bobby, you said
you talked to him.

Uh, I did, kinda.

But then he wiped
our record clean.

♪ Daddy! You're my enemy!

♪ You are my enemy! My enemy!

♪ You are my enemy!
My enemy! ♪

♪ My enemy!

No, don't.

It's just me,
just me, just me.

♪ My enemy!
Oh, sorry.

♪ You, you, you!

♪ The Itsy-Bitsy Stripper
climbed up the brassy pole ♪

♪ Down came her legs
and wrapped around my soul ♪

♪ Weave your web
of your sexy web ♪

♪ Weave your sexy web
around me ♪

♪ Weave your web,
weave your naughty web ♪

♪ Around my body,
my beautiful body ♪

♪ My beautiful legs,
my beautiful torso ♪

♪ Weave that web around me...

Hurdles on a beach?

What are those silly little
skin bags up to now?

Wait a second.

This can't be.

Ow!

Uh, guys, you might
want to buy seats now,

for tomorrow's event.

"Nudecathlon."

That sounds like
decathlon, but nude.

They're naked and old

and they're bringing
home the gold!

Go! You go talk to him!

All right.

Tommy, listen, there's something
I need to talk to you about.

I was thinking,
maybe, um...

you could take some time off
from performing... uh, here.

What? What, what are talking
about, Bobby boy?

It's just that, um...

you know, you could be
performing at...

at way different places.

Huh, it's almost like
you're saying

you don't want me
to play here anymore.

No. Not... No.

You... took that the wrong way.
Uh-huh.

What I meant was... you're great.
Right.

Um, but just not
maybe for, for here.

I'll tell you
what's funny,

you know, that's
what the manager

over at Pistol
McSwish's said, too.

Did he?
Yeah, kind of exactly.

Oh. And it's a shame about
that guy... you know,

he got shut down by me.

What are you doing?

You know, I hate to say this,
but, you know,

you got rat turds
on your floor, man,

and, yeah, I-I gotta write
that up, unfortunately.

What?
Tommy, that's crazy.

You just carry around bags
of rat turds in your pocket?

Yeah, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Yeah, look over... see, I see some more
right over here, see?

You didn't even empty that one!

You're saying
a rat just came in here

and tossed a bag
of its poop on my floor?

Yeah, that's a thing
that happens.

And look, you know,
it can all go away.

Just let me do an encore,

and then come back
and play every night.

No, Tommy! You're not
gonna hold us hostage

with your crappy music
and your threats!

Crappy?!

So get out
of my restaurant, Tommy!

Okay! Of course, you know
what this means:

Until further notice,
you are shut down, my man!

Fine! Why don't you get out,
my man?!

Oh, gladly, my man!

Oh, and guess what?!
You do have bulging eyes!

And it is off-putting!

So, uh... h-how did,
uh, how'd it go?

Great.

We're hungry, Bobby!
Open up!

I can't, Teddy.
Tommy closed us down.

If I serve you,
I could go to jail.

We're willing
to take that chance!

If Tommy doesn't
let us open,

we'll be broke
by next week!

We gotta fix this, Bobby!

There's only one person
who can help us now.

Oh, God.

Oh, don't be so nervous.
It's natural.

What's going on here,
anyway?

- Naked field day! Fun!
- Ugh.

Bubbila, bubbila.

There he is.
I can't believe

I'm gonna grovel
to a naked Hugo.

Bob! Linda!
You're just in time

to see me excel
at nude tetherball!

Hugo, look, I've come
to ask for your help.

The guy who replaced you
shut down the restaurant.

Oh, Bob,
that's a pity.

But the health-inspecting world
doesn't interest me anymore.

Come on.
This guy's nuts, Hugo.

He, he planted rat poop.
You wouldn't even do that.

Listen to you, Bob!

It's all about
things with you!

Restaurants!
Rat feces! Underwear!

Oh, God.
Today is the Nudecathlon,

so either you join me
in nude brotherhood

or kindly return to
your clothed country.

All right, all right.

What, what if I did join you?
The more the merrier.

But what if I competed
and beat you?

Uh, you won't.

But if I did,
would you help us out then?

Is this some kind of bet, Bob?
Yeah. It's a bet.

And what do, what do
I get if I win?

Well, what do you want?
You have to cater

the Nudecathlon closing
ceremony for free.

If this is what it takes,
this is what it takes.

Bob, you do realize what you're getting
yourself into.

A nudecathlon
has 27 events,

not including
warm-up freeze tag.

I quit.

No, Bobby, come on!
You can do it!

Parlays, exactas,
trifectas!

We're taking
all action, people!

Louise, you're gonna want
to see this.

We played with fire,

and this is what we get...
fire in our eyes!

I think Dad looks pretty good,
considering he's had three kids.

Hey, Dad, stop
stretching like that!

Oh, my God!

Zeke here,
calling the action for you

on this sunny afternoon.

There can only be
one winner today,

but many floppy wieners.

And they're off!

Doughboy's out to an early lead!

Go, Bobby, go!

♪ History repeats itself,
try, and you'll succeed... ♪

You've got a tough day
ahead of you, Bob.

♪ And you can have your dream

♪ You're the best around

Ooh!

Like sand through
his hourglass!

♪ You're the best around

♪ Nothing's ever gonna keep
you down ♪

♪ You're the best around...

Hugo.

♪ Nothing's ever gonna keep
you down... ♪

Big fatty wins the tug!

Bad luck,
little fatty!

Three legs, four thighs
and two ding-dongs.

Now that's one nasty bucket
of chicken!

♪ Try your best
to win them all ♪

♪ And one day, time will tell

♪ When you're the best
that's standing there ♪

♪ You'll reach the final bell

♪ I'm the best around

♪ Nothing's gonna ever
keep me down ♪

♪ I'm the best around...

How are we
holding up, Bob?

Fine! Just great!

Well, I must say
you've proven yourself

a worthy naked adversary.

But this last event is
for all the marbles.

Don't say marbles.

Line up for
Greco-Roman wrestling!

Go, Bobby! You're
my big naked knight!

I'm dying.

Gentlemen, enter the ring.

May the best nude win.

May the best
nude win.

Ah, not there.

There you go.

Take this one.
Let go!

Sweep the leg, Dad!
Sweep the leg!

Treat him
like a naked piñata, Dad!

Break him open for some candy!

Okay, Bob,
time to do this!

Not today, Bob!

Oh! The little guy flips
the fay little a patty!

We've got a pin!
No!

Yes! I win!

You took Linda from me,

you were the scourge of
my professional life,

but this time, I win!

You can get off me now, Hugo!

Never!

I win!

Let's go home, Lin.
All right.

I win, win, win!

Wow. That was rough.

Naked and defeated.

Just the way
he entered this world.

Bobby, you put your pants
on backwards, honey.

Doesn't matter.
None of it matters.

We lost the restaurant, Lin.

Tina, let's put our pants on
backwards, too.

Let's do it
for Dad!

I'm wearing a skirt, but okay.

Hugo?
What are you doing here?

And why are you wearing clothes?

Or is that just
body paint?

Today, at the beach, you tasted
my sweet victory,

It wasn't enough.

What does that mean?

I want to shut you down...
I do...

not some dirty
doody-dropper... me.

Until then, you're open
for business.

Ron?

You got it, buddy.

All right!

Well, thanks, Hugo.

All right, everyone!
Load in!

- What's going on?
- The closing ceremony, Bob.

Remember?
You have to cater it.

Disrobe at will!

Don't bother with courtesy
tissues on the seats.

Gettin' nude for food!
I love it!

Hold the buns.
Am I right?!

Well, better clean up the gum
under the tables.

I'll get to it.

Tina, no.
I hate you, Hugo.

Wait... what about
Tommy Jaronda?

How we doin', Jimmy Pesto's?

♪ I'm a bad man with
a master plan ♪

♪ And the ladies
call me Tex ♪

♪ And the one thing
all the ladies know is ♪

♪ I'm good at having

♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,
sex-sex-sex-sex-sex ♪

♪ I'm good at sex,
I'm good at sex ♪

♪ I'm very, very, very, very
good at sex ♪

♪ I am good, you are good, too

♪ You're learning,
little by little ♪

♪ I'm guiding you
with my hand and my arms ♪

♪ I'm good at sex,
you're learning quick... ♪