Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Ear-Sy Rider - full transcript
While a biker gang begins hanging out at the restaurant, Louise goes through a crisis after a teenager steals her bunny ear hat.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Oh! Oh... Uh!
What? (gasps) No!
Lin, you gotta stop reading
the police blotter.
It just makes you mad.
Why would someone steal
the sign for Ball Street?
Oh. (laughs)
Oh, God, what is
this town coming to?
It's going to crap.
Tell me about it.
Somebody threw a snow cone
at my windshield today.
I thought I hit
a rainbow.
It was terrifying.
Oh, come on.
I don't think this town
is going to crap.
(engines roaring)
That's my 2:00.
The One Eyed Snakes
motorcycle club.
Their chapter president
died gruesomely.
I'm doing the service.
That explains why you're
wearing leather pants.
Been waiting forever
to bust these out.
He looks like Prince.
He looks like fat,
white Prince.
MORT:
Look, but don't touch, fellas.
(boy grunting)
Oh, no, these are the guys
who took over the Steps.
I heard they pick
on kids.
Wait. I'm a kid!
Come on.
Let's take the long way.
I'm not afraid
of some high school kids.
Watch a-this.
(humming nonchalantly)
Hey, hey.
You can't walk here.
Oh, my gosh,
I can't walk here?
Oh, look, it's a miracle!
I'm walking!
Shut your butts, coconuts.
But you said I couldn't,
but I'm doing it.
But I want your butt to shut.
Oh, listen to the hum
of my butt. (humming)
Oh, listen to this:
clap, clap shut, clap it shut!
See ya later!
Have a great life!
Oh, already havin' it!
That was intense.
Those guys?
They're just little
acne-covered kittens.
(mimics gunshots)
Meow, meow, meow!
(gunshots) Meow!
♪ ♪
This memorial jam has been
going on for 21 minutes.
I just wonder
if I should fade it out.
This was Horny Dave's
favorite jam.
Keep it cranked.
Horny Dave's
favorite jam?
This is my favorite jam.
Keep it cranked,
Eddie!
(bottle breaks)
Oh, God, don't come here,
no, no, no, no.
Welcome!
You serve beer?
We... do not.
What's that?
That is beer.
Sorry, we do. I lied.
Let's drink to Horny Dave.
To Horny Dave!
What are you talking about?
Yeah! (laughs)
Um, the woman who won
that drinking contest,
she's pregnant, right?
Well, they say
in moderation.
Hey, man, they don't judge
your lifestyle,
you buttoned-down pencil pusher.
What?
Sorry, Bobby, this motorcycle
thing's contagious.
I kinda want to go out
and get a bike tonight.
Hassle shopkeepers.
"Hey, old man!" You know?
"You don't know me.
I'll break your window
and hit ya with a bat."
Sounds like a
great idea, Teddy.
Ah, maybe not.
Probably just watch
a hockey game.
To Horny Dave! A helluva man!
A helluva friend!
A helluva lover!
Uh, they broke more bottles.
Whoa, looks like our restaurant just
got a lot edgier.
Hope I can
still get in.
You probably can't.
I'll meet you
guys after.
I like your lid.
I like your vest...
what's left of it.
Yep, these colors have been
to hell and back.
Part of 'em
stayed in hell.
What are those pretty buttons?
Oh, these patches?
Well, we got this one
for... tickling a cop.
Cool! What's that one for?
For not being associated
with the white power movement.
And what's that one for?
For blowing up a bunch...
of balloons...
for kids like you.
Just an ordinary day
here at Bob's Burgers,
right, kids?
Nice place.
I'm Critter, by the way.
Uh, Bob.
Yeah, I'm the, uh, chapter
president of these fellas.
Horny Dave was,
till his grisly death.
Well, I'm sure you don't want
to talk about it, so...
Yeah, he got into a wreck
with a semi, all right.
Real fiery.
Mm-hmm.
By the time they pulled him out,
his entire lower half,
the horny half, was roasted.
That's why Horny Dave's
vest here is in tatters.
Um, it looks nice.
No, it doesn't, Bob.
No, it doesn't.
This vest is supposed
to make me look
like the unquestioned
leader of this club,
but instead I, I just look foolish.
Mm.
Whoa! Statch! Nasty Slim!
Cool it!
See? Horny Dave was just a better leader.
If we were fighting,
he'd come out and he'd say,
"Let's go cook some meth!"
And we would, and we'd forget
all our troubles.
That sounds nice.
Maybe we should
cook meth.
I wanna forget
my troubles.
God bless this meth.
Kids, go inside.
So, uh, that's
your old lady, huh?
Uh, yeah.
She goes by "Linda."
Or Dragon.
Whichever.
So is that
your old lady?
No, Mudflap was
Horny Dave's.
She's a special woman.
She can open a beer
with her boobs.
Mine can't do that.
It's an art.
TINA: Whoa!
Ha-ha!
BOB:
Oh, my!
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I want them.
Is that a requirement
for being in the club?
Wish it was that easy.
Initiation was tough.
Mudflap beat the snot out of
some poser in Macon, Georgia
one fine day in spring.
Got her colors that night.
It was fall.
It was spring.
I remember because
the azaleas were in bloom.
Ooh, azaleas.
Oh, the azaleas are
beautiful in Macon.
Second only
to their crank.
That sweet Macon crank.
Oh.
What's crank?
Like meth's dirty cousin.
Oh, we're gonna
cook meth.
Oh... ha-ha.
Okay, time for bed,
sweeties. Come on.
Can I bring a biker with me
to tell me stories?
No, you may not.
Please...?
Just one!
No.
All right, everybody.
We drank the place dry.
Let's ride!
BIKER: Come on, lil' sweetheart.
Jump on back.
I'm sure they have
designated drivers, so...
This should cover
the damage.
Sorry there's blood
on some of it.
Huh. Oh...
Oh, one last thing. Here.
What's this?
Means we owe you one.
Put it in your window.
Nobody will mess with you.
Uh, except maybe
the Buzzard Kings.
They might throw
a Molotov cocktail in here.
You call me if they do.
Uh! No, no. Right in the window.
So, we've got this now.
GENE: Uh-oh, we're
crossing paths again.
We're crossing paths!
Hey, remember
when I told you
not to come around here?
Guess not.
I'm not so good with history.
Me, neither!
I'm pretty good at history,
but I have some problems
with math.
Well, I'm taking
a course in the future.
You know what happens
in the future?
We walk right past you.
Uh! I just want no little kids
around me
when I'm decompressing
after school.
I'm trying to create
a relaxed environment,
I'm making my friends
feel comfortable,
and then you come by
with all ts attitude!
Hey, you don't want to
mess with my sister.
She'll wear down
your self-esteem
over a period
of years.
Mm-hmm. Shut up, four-eyes.
Oh.
I'm talkin' to four-ears.
With four ears, I can
ignore you twice as hard.
What, what? What, what?
You've pushed me
to the point of break.
I'm confiscating these.
(Louise screams)
(both gasp)
Laters!
What just friggin' happened?!
So, I couldn't
help notice
someone doesn't have
their bunny ears on.
Ha-ha! I know, right?
It's, uh, been
a pretty long time
since we've seen you without your...
Too long!
Too... long!
Okay.
Louise, maybe you'd feel better
if you told Mom and Dad...
How happy I am?
Mom, up high.
Hey! Oh!
I'll take one.
You got it, bro!
Whoo!
Whew. Oh. Geez.
Do you think I should
go talk to her, Bobby?
No, you shouldn't!
I'm great!
Just fantastic!
(door slams)
Uh, maybe wait.
(school bell rings)
You're not wearing
your ears today.
Or are they invisible?
Ha-ha-ha!
Invisible?!
Where do you come up
with this stuff?
Your mind
is so beautiful!
Yeah, take it in!
Whoa, Louise, not wearing
your bunny ears?
This is big.
Lots of issues to discuss,
feelings to process.
Oh, yeah, tell me
about it, Mr. Frond!
I am processing up a storm,
but I could really use
a processing-partner!
Me?!
Great idea! Your office?
Five minutes?
Yeah!
I'm out of here.
I'm gonna wait
for that punk at the Steps
and get my ears back.
We'll come with you.
No. You guys go home
and lie to Mom and Dad.
Good. I'm a liar,
not a fighter.
Louise, wait.
What?
You want us
to keep your dinner warm?
Yeah. Real warm.
Hello, I see you're wearing
my ears. Oh, they're
off-center
a smidge.
Let me just...
(shrieks)
Nice try, kid.
Fine. We're all young
professionals here.
I'm Louise, by the way.
I-I don't think I got your name.
Logan.
Logan...
what's this in my pocket?
Oh, one, two,
three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine dollars
for the hat.
You can't buy me
like a cheap sex lady!
(yells)
(chuckles)
Too slow, down low.
Why don't you go back
to plan-school
because looks like you
need a better one.
Why don't you go
to plan-school?!
Why don't you?
Why don't you?
No, you, why don't you?
Why don't you?!
No, why don't you?
Why don't you?!
What do we do
with this card?
Take it down?
It's creepy.
Are you crazy?
Remember when you
took down that charity jar?
You saw how pissed those
breast cancer people got.
Hey, parentals.
Where's Louise?
Um...
Hat shopping?
Shopping for hats.
Huh, that makes sense.
I guess Louise needs
to transition
from bunny ears to something.
Like training wheels.
Like when we got a fish for Gene
to prove he was responsible
enough to get a dog.
I was not.
That poor fish.
So, where are we going?
My calendar is
wide open.
Yeah, well, uh,
I'm home now.
So, run along,
little doggie.
No, we're home now.
Until I get those
ears back,
wherever you go,
I go.
Going to school, Logan?
I'll join you.
Let's do it.
(yells)
Nope.
Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan.
What do you do?
You go to your locker
before you go to class
or you go to class?
Gotta pee?
What's the routine here?
You know, I could pee...
in the boys' room.
Well, you think
I won't go in there?
I'm not giving up, Logan.
I will wear you down.
I got a prom date
because of these ears.
My practice S.A.T. scores
went up.
I'm not giving up, either.
Whoo!
It stinks in here.
Welcome
to boys' smell.
Logan! I like
your bunny ears.
Thanks, Shanaya.
LOUISE: They're not his ears!
(yells)
Oh, sorry you had
to leave so soon!
Let the record show that I tried
to reason with you, Logan!
Now I have to go nuclear!
Can I help you?
I hope I'm not interrupting
dinner, ma'am,
but your son... (sighs)
he stole something of mine.
Logan!
You took this girl's bunny ears?
I didn't want to tattle,
but you left me no choice.
Yeah. I took 'em.
Return them. Now.
I threw 'em away.
I told you you'd
never get 'em back.
Bull, you threw them away.
Search my room.
Ugh, Logan.
Sorry, I'll write you a check.
$20?
0 seems a bit high, honey.
Oh, God, Tom. Not now!
Where did you throw them away?
Pancho's Tacos.
Which one, Logan?
It's a chain!
The good one.
The one on Riverside.
Uh, kid, what you're
looking for was incinerated.
It's gone.
Pfft. Burned up. Sorry.
No!
(sobbing)
(laughing crazily)
Revenge.
Is this it?
No!
Are these it?
It's pink with ears.
Oh, then they're gone.
It's a hat.
No. Then they're gone.
Hey, I remember this hat.
It was gonna be my thing.
Remember?
I could pull this off. Right?
Um... yeah,
of course you can!
There she is,
my little big girl.
Tina and Gene told us
you were in the market
for an in-between hat,
so we dug some
out of the closet.
Maybe not this one.
You probably
don't want this one.
How thoughtful of you all,
but I don't need a hat
to complete me.
I'm all I need.
Just me.
That's what I keep telling you.
Good night, Linda.
Thank you for
thinking about me.
You're welcome.
All I need is that hat!
Mine!
LOGAN:
Look who it is.
Surprised you don't have pig
ears on, the way you squeal.
(laughs)
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Question.
How's your hearing?
Uh, pretty good. Why?
Well, then I guess
you can hear that.
(motorcycles rumbling)
That's the sound of revenge.
Uh...
For taking that
which wasn't yours,
I have summoned the wrath
of the One Eyed Snakes!
Hell hath no fury like...
Kill the bikes for a second!
Thank you.
Hell hath no fury...
Did you hear that part? About hell?
Yeah, I think so.
Good.
'Cause the rest of it is,
"Hell hath no fury
like I do, Logan!"
You took my ears
and threw them away.
And now these guys
are going to take your
ears and throw them away.
What?
Oh, boy.
I'm going to watch
through my fingers.
No, I'm not.
I'm going to look away.
I think we're gonna
have to lay low
for a little while
after this.
Oh, God, don't cut my ears off!
Ha! Ho!
I hate when shirt tags stick out.
Here, here, here, here!
I never threw them out, okay?
(crying):
I'm so sorry!
M-My ears.
Please don't
cut off my ears!
Leave 'em where they are.
They... they look good
in that position.
Can I look yet?
Nee-ya...
I'll let you know.
My hands smell like onions.
It's nice.
Don't ever mess
with us again, Logan.
Now, get the hell outta here!
Ah!
Yeah! That's how you do it!
That's how you do it!
(motorcycle rumbles)
No, no, no, no, we just got
the place back together.
(engines rumbling,
bikers laughing, talking)
Welcome back, fellas.
How are you?
LINDA:
Kids?
What's going on?
Louise, you're wearing
your ears again.
Yeah, some kids stole 'em
and these mamma-jammas
got 'em back!
Mamma-jammas, what?
Your ears were stolen?
Yup. I cashed in the card
the One Eyed Snakes gave us.
Good to see you again, Bob.
Nice hat.
Ah, really?
Yeah, you think so?
Oh, and I told them food
and drinks are on the house.
No. They... that's... No.
I don't think that's...
Ya hear that, boys? Go crazy!
All right! Yay!
No. No. No, no, no.
All right,
let's go crazy.
Please don't go crazy.
(talking, laughing)
Um, can I help you folks?
Yes.
We are parents
in this community,
and we're marching on your
filthy, dangerous biker bar.
We're not a biker bar.
You are serving beer
to a ton of bikers.
Tom, please.
This biker bar is the reason our
town is going down the tubes.
And we will not allow
violence against our
children to continue.
Violence!
Violence? What violence?
Those bikers wanted
to cut off my ears.
Oh, God.
Ah, calm down, we weren't
gonna cut off any ears.
Don't listen to him.
He would have.
No, I wouldn't.
Yeah, you would.
I'm tellin' ya, I would not...
I think you would have.
You don't know my mind!
You see, I was just teachin'
these little bullies a lesson.
So this is the brat who
picked on my Louise, huh?
Let me tell you something,
Miss Priss.
Lin...
No. I got this.
These bikers aren't the problem
in this town; it's your kids.
They're a bunch of animals.
Yeah, lady!
Control your kids.
Oh, it is your kids
who cannot be controlled.
She's right.
I'm out of control.
Oh, why don't you go
fart in a phone booth!
(making fart noises)
All right,
Lin, calm down.
You tell this hussy
to calm down.
Yeah, calm it, hussy!
Do not call my wife a whore.
Oh, I will not calm it.
(grunts)
BIKER: Love a catfight.
Ah!
Ooh.
(grunting)
Lin, stop...
Ah!
Don't do this...
Ooh...
Pull out her highlights, Mom.
All right, all right,
everybody just calm down.
Ah!
(gasping, murmuring)
Pick that up,
apologize and leave.
Please.
For your own good.
I will do no such thing.
Shoulda left when
you coulda left.
Everyone who's got
a knife, grab it!
It's a fight to the death!
(murmuring)
Hey, hey, you can't fight
these people, Critter.
You'll... you'll
destroy them.
When somebody messes with
the One Eyed Snake's colors,
they gotta pay.
My leadership's on the line.
I got no choice...
we gotta hurt these people.
Would Horny Dave have his men
beat up some
white collar parents?
Horny Dave is dead.
All right, it's goin' on now,
here it goes.
They're just bluffing.
The One Eyed Snakes
don't bluff.
Neither do the Belcher kids!
Except when we do.
Yeah! Let's keep shouting stuff!
Screw inside voices!
Okay, I'm calling
the police.
TOM:
No!
My running mix!
Oh, enough talk. Let's kick...
(groans)
Mudflap, are you okay?
I'm fine, it was just
a contraction. Let's...
(groans)
Contraction?
You're in labor?
Hold that kid in till we're done!
I'll try.
(groaning):
No, I can't.
This baby's coming.
Oh, this baby's coming.
I'll call an ambulance.
I'm a doctor.
Well, then get the hell over here!
All right.
Get under the hood
and check the oil, Doc.
(groans)
Okay. Okay, okay.
Uh, how far apart
are the contractions?
They are not.
Oh! Wow. Okay.
This baby is coming now.
Like right into my hand.
Hang in there,
Mudflap, hang in there.
Don't forget to breathe.
Do you want me to get you
a wooden spoon to bite on?
Oh, forget the spoon.
Get me whiskey.
Um, I'm not sure whiskey is...
I have a flask
in my golf bag.
Yeah, I got one here,
somewhere...
I got some whip-its.
Here. Take mine.
Hold on a sec.
Okay, you're doing great.
Uh, what's your name?
Mudflap.
Oh, Mudflap, uh...
that was my
grandmother's name.
Really?
No, no.
You're named after
a dirty part of a truck.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, keep breathing.
Okay.
And...
ready... push!
Ugh.
Just pretend it's lasagna.
(Mudflap groans)
I don't know how Mudflap's doing this
without an epidura
If I didn't have
one with Logan?
Whoo!
Ugh, tell me about it.
Those two?
Piece of cake.
That one?
A whole cake.
I'm sorry my Logan
picked on your kids.
Hey. I'm sorry my kids
had bikers threaten to
cut your kid's ears off.
I need you guys to hold up
her knees, just like this...
Okay. I see the head.
(Mudflap groans) Oh, I looked.
That's a head.
I hope that's a head.
I shouldn't have looked.
I looked.
One more big push, Mudflap!
Okay!
(groans)
Here it comes!
(groans)
(baby crying)
ALL: Aw.
CRITTER: Look at that.
"Not it" to clean the table.
It's a boy.
Barely.
Mudflap, is there someone
you'd like to cut the cord?
His daddy.
But Horny Dave's dead.
No, Critter, Horny Dave
had a vasectomy in '95.
Come here.
What are you saying, woman?
This baby's yours.
I still don't understand.
Critter, we had sex
and you knocked me up...
Slow down! Slow down!
This baby is your spawn.
Oh...
Wait a minute,
what do you mean?
(sniffs)
You're a daddy.
From when?
Sometimes the one
you slept with nine months ago
was right in front
of you all along.
Oh, Mudflap.
Give me that cord.
(people exclaiming)
Okay, are we gonna
have the fight now?
Or...
Louise, there's gonna be no fight.
This little kid squashed a beef
better than Horny Dave ever did.
My boy. How 'bout that?
Here, Creature.
Critter.
Right.
Maybe you could use it
as a baby blanket.
Oh. Thank you.
And thanks for getting
your hands dirty, Doc.
No problem.
Aw. Parents helping bikers
who are now parents.
See, our town has its problems.
But it doesn't mean
it's going in the crapper.
It just means if we want
to be a better neighborhood,
we have to be better
neighbors to each other.
Boo!
Boo!
Stinks!
Okay, Louise, come on.
Thanks a lot.
It's okay.
You were very brave.
You stood up
for yourself,
got help from
dangerous bikers,
all without your ears.
Maybe you don't
need them anymore.
Maybe.
And maybe I know someone
who needs them more than m
Look, these ears mean
a lot to you, Logan,
so how about you keep 'em?
Really?
No friggin' way!
I was just messing
with you, you idiot!
Ah! Oh!
Welcome home, ears.
Let's get you a beer.
Dad, two beers.
No.
They're for my ears!
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Oh! Oh... Uh!
What? (gasps) No!
Lin, you gotta stop reading
the police blotter.
It just makes you mad.
Why would someone steal
the sign for Ball Street?
Oh. (laughs)
Oh, God, what is
this town coming to?
It's going to crap.
Tell me about it.
Somebody threw a snow cone
at my windshield today.
I thought I hit
a rainbow.
It was terrifying.
Oh, come on.
I don't think this town
is going to crap.
(engines roaring)
That's my 2:00.
The One Eyed Snakes
motorcycle club.
Their chapter president
died gruesomely.
I'm doing the service.
That explains why you're
wearing leather pants.
Been waiting forever
to bust these out.
He looks like Prince.
He looks like fat,
white Prince.
MORT:
Look, but don't touch, fellas.
(boy grunting)
Oh, no, these are the guys
who took over the Steps.
I heard they pick
on kids.
Wait. I'm a kid!
Come on.
Let's take the long way.
I'm not afraid
of some high school kids.
Watch a-this.
(humming nonchalantly)
Hey, hey.
You can't walk here.
Oh, my gosh,
I can't walk here?
Oh, look, it's a miracle!
I'm walking!
Shut your butts, coconuts.
But you said I couldn't,
but I'm doing it.
But I want your butt to shut.
Oh, listen to the hum
of my butt. (humming)
Oh, listen to this:
clap, clap shut, clap it shut!
See ya later!
Have a great life!
Oh, already havin' it!
That was intense.
Those guys?
They're just little
acne-covered kittens.
(mimics gunshots)
Meow, meow, meow!
(gunshots) Meow!
♪ ♪
This memorial jam has been
going on for 21 minutes.
I just wonder
if I should fade it out.
This was Horny Dave's
favorite jam.
Keep it cranked.
Horny Dave's
favorite jam?
This is my favorite jam.
Keep it cranked,
Eddie!
(bottle breaks)
Oh, God, don't come here,
no, no, no, no.
Welcome!
You serve beer?
We... do not.
What's that?
That is beer.
Sorry, we do. I lied.
Let's drink to Horny Dave.
To Horny Dave!
What are you talking about?
Yeah! (laughs)
Um, the woman who won
that drinking contest,
she's pregnant, right?
Well, they say
in moderation.
Hey, man, they don't judge
your lifestyle,
you buttoned-down pencil pusher.
What?
Sorry, Bobby, this motorcycle
thing's contagious.
I kinda want to go out
and get a bike tonight.
Hassle shopkeepers.
"Hey, old man!" You know?
"You don't know me.
I'll break your window
and hit ya with a bat."
Sounds like a
great idea, Teddy.
Ah, maybe not.
Probably just watch
a hockey game.
To Horny Dave! A helluva man!
A helluva friend!
A helluva lover!
Uh, they broke more bottles.
Whoa, looks like our restaurant just
got a lot edgier.
Hope I can
still get in.
You probably can't.
I'll meet you
guys after.
I like your lid.
I like your vest...
what's left of it.
Yep, these colors have been
to hell and back.
Part of 'em
stayed in hell.
What are those pretty buttons?
Oh, these patches?
Well, we got this one
for... tickling a cop.
Cool! What's that one for?
For not being associated
with the white power movement.
And what's that one for?
For blowing up a bunch...
of balloons...
for kids like you.
Just an ordinary day
here at Bob's Burgers,
right, kids?
Nice place.
I'm Critter, by the way.
Uh, Bob.
Yeah, I'm the, uh, chapter
president of these fellas.
Horny Dave was,
till his grisly death.
Well, I'm sure you don't want
to talk about it, so...
Yeah, he got into a wreck
with a semi, all right.
Real fiery.
Mm-hmm.
By the time they pulled him out,
his entire lower half,
the horny half, was roasted.
That's why Horny Dave's
vest here is in tatters.
Um, it looks nice.
No, it doesn't, Bob.
No, it doesn't.
This vest is supposed
to make me look
like the unquestioned
leader of this club,
but instead I, I just look foolish.
Mm.
Whoa! Statch! Nasty Slim!
Cool it!
See? Horny Dave was just a better leader.
If we were fighting,
he'd come out and he'd say,
"Let's go cook some meth!"
And we would, and we'd forget
all our troubles.
That sounds nice.
Maybe we should
cook meth.
I wanna forget
my troubles.
God bless this meth.
Kids, go inside.
So, uh, that's
your old lady, huh?
Uh, yeah.
She goes by "Linda."
Or Dragon.
Whichever.
So is that
your old lady?
No, Mudflap was
Horny Dave's.
She's a special woman.
She can open a beer
with her boobs.
Mine can't do that.
It's an art.
TINA: Whoa!
Ha-ha!
BOB:
Oh, my!
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I want them.
Is that a requirement
for being in the club?
Wish it was that easy.
Initiation was tough.
Mudflap beat the snot out of
some poser in Macon, Georgia
one fine day in spring.
Got her colors that night.
It was fall.
It was spring.
I remember because
the azaleas were in bloom.
Ooh, azaleas.
Oh, the azaleas are
beautiful in Macon.
Second only
to their crank.
That sweet Macon crank.
Oh.
What's crank?
Like meth's dirty cousin.
Oh, we're gonna
cook meth.
Oh... ha-ha.
Okay, time for bed,
sweeties. Come on.
Can I bring a biker with me
to tell me stories?
No, you may not.
Please...?
Just one!
No.
All right, everybody.
We drank the place dry.
Let's ride!
BIKER: Come on, lil' sweetheart.
Jump on back.
I'm sure they have
designated drivers, so...
This should cover
the damage.
Sorry there's blood
on some of it.
Huh. Oh...
Oh, one last thing. Here.
What's this?
Means we owe you one.
Put it in your window.
Nobody will mess with you.
Uh, except maybe
the Buzzard Kings.
They might throw
a Molotov cocktail in here.
You call me if they do.
Uh! No, no. Right in the window.
So, we've got this now.
GENE: Uh-oh, we're
crossing paths again.
We're crossing paths!
Hey, remember
when I told you
not to come around here?
Guess not.
I'm not so good with history.
Me, neither!
I'm pretty good at history,
but I have some problems
with math.
Well, I'm taking
a course in the future.
You know what happens
in the future?
We walk right past you.
Uh! I just want no little kids
around me
when I'm decompressing
after school.
I'm trying to create
a relaxed environment,
I'm making my friends
feel comfortable,
and then you come by
with all ts attitude!
Hey, you don't want to
mess with my sister.
She'll wear down
your self-esteem
over a period
of years.
Mm-hmm. Shut up, four-eyes.
Oh.
I'm talkin' to four-ears.
With four ears, I can
ignore you twice as hard.
What, what? What, what?
You've pushed me
to the point of break.
I'm confiscating these.
(Louise screams)
(both gasp)
Laters!
What just friggin' happened?!
So, I couldn't
help notice
someone doesn't have
their bunny ears on.
Ha-ha! I know, right?
It's, uh, been
a pretty long time
since we've seen you without your...
Too long!
Too... long!
Okay.
Louise, maybe you'd feel better
if you told Mom and Dad...
How happy I am?
Mom, up high.
Hey! Oh!
I'll take one.
You got it, bro!
Whoo!
Whew. Oh. Geez.
Do you think I should
go talk to her, Bobby?
No, you shouldn't!
I'm great!
Just fantastic!
(door slams)
Uh, maybe wait.
(school bell rings)
You're not wearing
your ears today.
Or are they invisible?
Ha-ha-ha!
Invisible?!
Where do you come up
with this stuff?
Your mind
is so beautiful!
Yeah, take it in!
Whoa, Louise, not wearing
your bunny ears?
This is big.
Lots of issues to discuss,
feelings to process.
Oh, yeah, tell me
about it, Mr. Frond!
I am processing up a storm,
but I could really use
a processing-partner!
Me?!
Great idea! Your office?
Five minutes?
Yeah!
I'm out of here.
I'm gonna wait
for that punk at the Steps
and get my ears back.
We'll come with you.
No. You guys go home
and lie to Mom and Dad.
Good. I'm a liar,
not a fighter.
Louise, wait.
What?
You want us
to keep your dinner warm?
Yeah. Real warm.
Hello, I see you're wearing
my ears. Oh, they're
off-center
a smidge.
Let me just...
(shrieks)
Nice try, kid.
Fine. We're all young
professionals here.
I'm Louise, by the way.
I-I don't think I got your name.
Logan.
Logan...
what's this in my pocket?
Oh, one, two,
three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine dollars
for the hat.
You can't buy me
like a cheap sex lady!
(yells)
(chuckles)
Too slow, down low.
Why don't you go back
to plan-school
because looks like you
need a better one.
Why don't you go
to plan-school?!
Why don't you?
Why don't you?
No, you, why don't you?
Why don't you?!
No, why don't you?
Why don't you?!
What do we do
with this card?
Take it down?
It's creepy.
Are you crazy?
Remember when you
took down that charity jar?
You saw how pissed those
breast cancer people got.
Hey, parentals.
Where's Louise?
Um...
Hat shopping?
Shopping for hats.
Huh, that makes sense.
I guess Louise needs
to transition
from bunny ears to something.
Like training wheels.
Like when we got a fish for Gene
to prove he was responsible
enough to get a dog.
I was not.
That poor fish.
So, where are we going?
My calendar is
wide open.
Yeah, well, uh,
I'm home now.
So, run along,
little doggie.
No, we're home now.
Until I get those
ears back,
wherever you go,
I go.
Going to school, Logan?
I'll join you.
Let's do it.
(yells)
Nope.
Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan.
What do you do?
You go to your locker
before you go to class
or you go to class?
Gotta pee?
What's the routine here?
You know, I could pee...
in the boys' room.
Well, you think
I won't go in there?
I'm not giving up, Logan.
I will wear you down.
I got a prom date
because of these ears.
My practice S.A.T. scores
went up.
I'm not giving up, either.
Whoo!
It stinks in here.
Welcome
to boys' smell.
Logan! I like
your bunny ears.
Thanks, Shanaya.
LOUISE: They're not his ears!
(yells)
Oh, sorry you had
to leave so soon!
Let the record show that I tried
to reason with you, Logan!
Now I have to go nuclear!
Can I help you?
I hope I'm not interrupting
dinner, ma'am,
but your son... (sighs)
he stole something of mine.
Logan!
You took this girl's bunny ears?
I didn't want to tattle,
but you left me no choice.
Yeah. I took 'em.
Return them. Now.
I threw 'em away.
I told you you'd
never get 'em back.
Bull, you threw them away.
Search my room.
Ugh, Logan.
Sorry, I'll write you a check.
$20?
0 seems a bit high, honey.
Oh, God, Tom. Not now!
Where did you throw them away?
Pancho's Tacos.
Which one, Logan?
It's a chain!
The good one.
The one on Riverside.
Uh, kid, what you're
looking for was incinerated.
It's gone.
Pfft. Burned up. Sorry.
No!
(sobbing)
(laughing crazily)
Revenge.
Is this it?
No!
Are these it?
It's pink with ears.
Oh, then they're gone.
It's a hat.
No. Then they're gone.
Hey, I remember this hat.
It was gonna be my thing.
Remember?
I could pull this off. Right?
Um... yeah,
of course you can!
There she is,
my little big girl.
Tina and Gene told us
you were in the market
for an in-between hat,
so we dug some
out of the closet.
Maybe not this one.
You probably
don't want this one.
How thoughtful of you all,
but I don't need a hat
to complete me.
I'm all I need.
Just me.
That's what I keep telling you.
Good night, Linda.
Thank you for
thinking about me.
You're welcome.
All I need is that hat!
Mine!
LOGAN:
Look who it is.
Surprised you don't have pig
ears on, the way you squeal.
(laughs)
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Question.
How's your hearing?
Uh, pretty good. Why?
Well, then I guess
you can hear that.
(motorcycles rumbling)
That's the sound of revenge.
Uh...
For taking that
which wasn't yours,
I have summoned the wrath
of the One Eyed Snakes!
Hell hath no fury like...
Kill the bikes for a second!
Thank you.
Hell hath no fury...
Did you hear that part? About hell?
Yeah, I think so.
Good.
'Cause the rest of it is,
"Hell hath no fury
like I do, Logan!"
You took my ears
and threw them away.
And now these guys
are going to take your
ears and throw them away.
What?
Oh, boy.
I'm going to watch
through my fingers.
No, I'm not.
I'm going to look away.
I think we're gonna
have to lay low
for a little while
after this.
Oh, God, don't cut my ears off!
Ha! Ho!
I hate when shirt tags stick out.
Here, here, here, here!
I never threw them out, okay?
(crying):
I'm so sorry!
M-My ears.
Please don't
cut off my ears!
Leave 'em where they are.
They... they look good
in that position.
Can I look yet?
Nee-ya...
I'll let you know.
My hands smell like onions.
It's nice.
Don't ever mess
with us again, Logan.
Now, get the hell outta here!
Ah!
Yeah! That's how you do it!
That's how you do it!
(motorcycle rumbles)
No, no, no, no, we just got
the place back together.
(engines rumbling,
bikers laughing, talking)
Welcome back, fellas.
How are you?
LINDA:
Kids?
What's going on?
Louise, you're wearing
your ears again.
Yeah, some kids stole 'em
and these mamma-jammas
got 'em back!
Mamma-jammas, what?
Your ears were stolen?
Yup. I cashed in the card
the One Eyed Snakes gave us.
Good to see you again, Bob.
Nice hat.
Ah, really?
Yeah, you think so?
Oh, and I told them food
and drinks are on the house.
No. They... that's... No.
I don't think that's...
Ya hear that, boys? Go crazy!
All right! Yay!
No. No. No, no, no.
All right,
let's go crazy.
Please don't go crazy.
(talking, laughing)
Um, can I help you folks?
Yes.
We are parents
in this community,
and we're marching on your
filthy, dangerous biker bar.
We're not a biker bar.
You are serving beer
to a ton of bikers.
Tom, please.
This biker bar is the reason our
town is going down the tubes.
And we will not allow
violence against our
children to continue.
Violence!
Violence? What violence?
Those bikers wanted
to cut off my ears.
Oh, God.
Ah, calm down, we weren't
gonna cut off any ears.
Don't listen to him.
He would have.
No, I wouldn't.
Yeah, you would.
I'm tellin' ya, I would not...
I think you would have.
You don't know my mind!
You see, I was just teachin'
these little bullies a lesson.
So this is the brat who
picked on my Louise, huh?
Let me tell you something,
Miss Priss.
Lin...
No. I got this.
These bikers aren't the problem
in this town; it's your kids.
They're a bunch of animals.
Yeah, lady!
Control your kids.
Oh, it is your kids
who cannot be controlled.
She's right.
I'm out of control.
Oh, why don't you go
fart in a phone booth!
(making fart noises)
All right,
Lin, calm down.
You tell this hussy
to calm down.
Yeah, calm it, hussy!
Do not call my wife a whore.
Oh, I will not calm it.
(grunts)
BIKER: Love a catfight.
Ah!
Ooh.
(grunting)
Lin, stop...
Ah!
Don't do this...
Ooh...
Pull out her highlights, Mom.
All right, all right,
everybody just calm down.
Ah!
(gasping, murmuring)
Pick that up,
apologize and leave.
Please.
For your own good.
I will do no such thing.
Shoulda left when
you coulda left.
Everyone who's got
a knife, grab it!
It's a fight to the death!
(murmuring)
Hey, hey, you can't fight
these people, Critter.
You'll... you'll
destroy them.
When somebody messes with
the One Eyed Snake's colors,
they gotta pay.
My leadership's on the line.
I got no choice...
we gotta hurt these people.
Would Horny Dave have his men
beat up some
white collar parents?
Horny Dave is dead.
All right, it's goin' on now,
here it goes.
They're just bluffing.
The One Eyed Snakes
don't bluff.
Neither do the Belcher kids!
Except when we do.
Yeah! Let's keep shouting stuff!
Screw inside voices!
Okay, I'm calling
the police.
TOM:
No!
My running mix!
Oh, enough talk. Let's kick...
(groans)
Mudflap, are you okay?
I'm fine, it was just
a contraction. Let's...
(groans)
Contraction?
You're in labor?
Hold that kid in till we're done!
I'll try.
(groaning):
No, I can't.
This baby's coming.
Oh, this baby's coming.
I'll call an ambulance.
I'm a doctor.
Well, then get the hell over here!
All right.
Get under the hood
and check the oil, Doc.
(groans)
Okay. Okay, okay.
Uh, how far apart
are the contractions?
They are not.
Oh! Wow. Okay.
This baby is coming now.
Like right into my hand.
Hang in there,
Mudflap, hang in there.
Don't forget to breathe.
Do you want me to get you
a wooden spoon to bite on?
Oh, forget the spoon.
Get me whiskey.
Um, I'm not sure whiskey is...
I have a flask
in my golf bag.
Yeah, I got one here,
somewhere...
I got some whip-its.
Here. Take mine.
Hold on a sec.
Okay, you're doing great.
Uh, what's your name?
Mudflap.
Oh, Mudflap, uh...
that was my
grandmother's name.
Really?
No, no.
You're named after
a dirty part of a truck.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, keep breathing.
Okay.
And...
ready... push!
Ugh.
Just pretend it's lasagna.
(Mudflap groans)
I don't know how Mudflap's doing this
without an epidura
If I didn't have
one with Logan?
Whoo!
Ugh, tell me about it.
Those two?
Piece of cake.
That one?
A whole cake.
I'm sorry my Logan
picked on your kids.
Hey. I'm sorry my kids
had bikers threaten to
cut your kid's ears off.
I need you guys to hold up
her knees, just like this...
Okay. I see the head.
(Mudflap groans) Oh, I looked.
That's a head.
I hope that's a head.
I shouldn't have looked.
I looked.
One more big push, Mudflap!
Okay!
(groans)
Here it comes!
(groans)
(baby crying)
ALL: Aw.
CRITTER: Look at that.
"Not it" to clean the table.
It's a boy.
Barely.
Mudflap, is there someone
you'd like to cut the cord?
His daddy.
But Horny Dave's dead.
No, Critter, Horny Dave
had a vasectomy in '95.
Come here.
What are you saying, woman?
This baby's yours.
I still don't understand.
Critter, we had sex
and you knocked me up...
Slow down! Slow down!
This baby is your spawn.
Oh...
Wait a minute,
what do you mean?
(sniffs)
You're a daddy.
From when?
Sometimes the one
you slept with nine months ago
was right in front
of you all along.
Oh, Mudflap.
Give me that cord.
(people exclaiming)
Okay, are we gonna
have the fight now?
Or...
Louise, there's gonna be no fight.
This little kid squashed a beef
better than Horny Dave ever did.
My boy. How 'bout that?
Here, Creature.
Critter.
Right.
Maybe you could use it
as a baby blanket.
Oh. Thank you.
And thanks for getting
your hands dirty, Doc.
No problem.
Aw. Parents helping bikers
who are now parents.
See, our town has its problems.
But it doesn't mean
it's going in the crapper.
It just means if we want
to be a better neighborhood,
we have to be better
neighbors to each other.
Boo!
Boo!
Stinks!
Okay, Louise, come on.
Thanks a lot.
It's okay.
You were very brave.
You stood up
for yourself,
got help from
dangerous bikers,
all without your ears.
Maybe you don't
need them anymore.
Maybe.
And maybe I know someone
who needs them more than m
Look, these ears mean
a lot to you, Logan,
so how about you keep 'em?
Really?
No friggin' way!
I was just messing
with you, you idiot!
Ah! Oh!
Welcome home, ears.
Let's get you a beer.
Dad, two beers.
No.
They're for my ears!
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.