Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Bad Tina - full transcript
Tina pals around with a bad girl.
(DOG BARKS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Okay, everyone,
I hope you've all chosen
your lab partners wisely.
I have.
You'll notice a mixture in front
of you on the Bunsen burner.
Buns... sen.
This mixture
is the most powerful
love potion known to man.
Whatever you do, don't drink it.
Jimmy Junior, no!
It will make you
want to touch each other's butts!
Too late.
I don't need a love potion
to want to do that stuff...
with you.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
MISS JACOBSON:
Chad doesn't have a partner.
Maybe he can join you.
(MOANS)
The more the merrier.
(MOANS)
LINDA: Kids...!
LINDA: Time for breakfast!
Damn.
What kind of a maniac
wakes up an hour early
to write erotic fan fiction?
Me.
LOUISE: Are there any shows
or movies left in the world
that you haven't perved up?
No.
That's why I've started
writing erotic friend fiction.
Using people at school
and zombies.
Oh! Do the janitor
and the vice principal.
I think they'd have
beautiful children.
I did and they don't.
Good morning, my little late
bird. What's with the vest?
It's my Welcome Wagon vest.
I'm showing a new girl
around school today.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Bob, this is
what we're seeing tonight! Ugh.
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Experience
patty cake like never before.
Cake. The New York Times says,
"Cake makes everything
we've been doing
with our hands obsolete."
This week at the Wharf Arts Center.
War Farts!
Wow. What a must-miss.
No kidding.
Stop it. We're going.
(CHANTING): Let's get to Cake
as fast as we can! Ah! BOB: Ugh.
This is the cafeteria,
And that's our American flag...
Tina, no offence, but this tour
is giving me a snore-gasm.
Show me something good.
Well, there's a typo on the
lunch menu. It says "browie."
Seriously, what do you
do for fun around here?
I think there's more on the Tina
tour than you're showing me.
Okay. There is one place
I like to go.
TAMMY: What is this?
TINA: The boys' locker room. You
can only see up to their ankles.
So, you just go around looking
through random holes?
Yes, but not any more. Now I
just look through this one.
Those are Jimmy Junior's feet.
I can tell by the way he walks.
So confident, but still
figuring things out.
ZEKE: Ha! (CHUCKLES)
JIMMY JR.: No, Zeke!
Skid marks. (CHUCKLES)
That's not funny.
They're stripes.
Smelly stripes. (CHUCKLES)
ZEKE: Phew, you stink!
TAMMY: Okay, and who is that?
Zeke. He's got some
hyper in his diaper.
I'd like to see what that shin
bone's connected to. Tammy, don't.
Someone might see us.
MAN: Hey, what's going on in there?
Hi, Coach Blevins.
(TINA GROANS)
I can't believe I got detention.
It's no big deal, Tina.
Don't have a crap attack.
Sucks they give you detention
for wrestling in the library.
What is this, Nicaragua? Yeah,
this school's lame, right, Zeke?
(ZEKE SCOFFS)
That's Jimmy Junior and Zeke.
The feet from the locker room.
Mm, manimal.
Introduce me, okay?
(SMACKS LIPS)
Here.
Oh. Mmuh, mm...
Hey Jimmy Junior! Zeke.
This is Tammy.
She's new at school.
Hey, (GIGGLES) What's...
Hi, what's up?
My loog.
(HACKS, THEN SPITS)
(GRUNTS)
You like that, baby?
No.
Nice loogie, Zeke.
Hey, Jimmy Junior, look at this.
(HACKING, CHOKES,
COUGHING)
I'm okay.
Tina! Where the hell
have you been?
Did you fall in something
shiny on your lips?
Mm. (SMACKS LIPS)
Strawberry.
I got detention.
OTHERS: Detention?!
Really?
I can't believe this!
Detention is no big deal, Mom.
Don't have a crap attack.
What did you just say?
A crap attack.
Don't have one.
(GASPS) Don't you tell me
not to have a crap attack!
I'll have a crap attack any time
I want! Now, go to your room!
This is such a snore-gasm.
(EXHALES)
What the hell was that about?
What is it? Yeah. A crap attack?
I don't know. Do you?
Don't look at me. Well, you're
the one that wanted to have one.
You're the one that sent her to her
room for saying it. I don't know what
these kids are saying.
Don't have a crap attack.
(LAUGHING AND SCREAMING)
Nice, Bob. Nice.
(GIGGLES)
I can't believe
Tina got detention.
She's changing, Bobby.
Tina's turning into a teen.
You've lost her, Mom. Time to
focus on your good daughter.
Gene.
I'm pretty.
You know, maybe you're
overreacting, Lin.
I mean,
you did have a crap attack. Ha...!
She's supposed to baby-sit
tonight while we're at Cake.
Can we even trust her now?
That's a good point.
Maybe we should stay home.
What?
Please?
We're not skipping Cake.
Okay, fine. But I'm gonna
complain the whole time.
Yeah!
You're the baddest girl
in detention, Tina.
Tell me about it, stud.
(GIGGLES) I'm a stud.
I'm an idiot. I know, Zeke.
Don't talk anymore
Tammy, spill that.
Jimmy Junior, mop that up
with your pants.
Okay.
LINDA: Tina!
We're waiting for you!
(BIG SIGH)
We need to go over some ground
rules for tonight, Miss Mouthy.
No boys, no parties,
no summoning spirits
or switching bodies,
and no filling the house
with soap bubbles.
You hear me, Tina?
Yes. I wear glasses,
not hearing aids, Mom.
Ho! Well, I don't wear a hearing
aid either, so I didn't hear that.
Haw!
Well, good night.
What are you doing with
the emergency cell phone?
Texting my friend Tammy.
That'll cost a fortune!
We have a terrible data plan!
Tammy wants to come over.
I texted back a smiley face.
She texted back some letters
I don't understand.
I think she's coming over.
Oh, my God, is she or isn't she?
I can't wait to ha...
(SNORES)
Louise, wake up, Louise!
(SCREAMING)
Ugh.
Huh?
Cute room. I used to have one
of these. I cut its mane off.
I bet that looked cool.
I'm totally going to do that.
(WHISPERS):
No, I won't.
This is like
watching two monkeys
at the puberty zoo.
What's wrong with her face?
Looks like she needs
a flu shot in her eyes.
What's this?
It's my erotic friend fiction.
"Tina reached towards
Jimmy Junior's butt:
"'Your lips say no but your butt
says yes.'" This is hilarious!
It's not meant to be hilarious.
It's supposed to be erotic.
Maybe you don't understand it.
Oh, I understand. And I'm into it.
But never let
Jimmy Junior see this.
He'd be weirded out and
he'd never talk to you again.
Really? Oh, my God,
there's a little drawing here
of Jimmy Junior's butt.
(LAUGHS)
(FARTS) Wha...?
What just happened?
I think Tammy laugh-farted.
That really smells, Tammy.
What? I didn't fart, you did!
Oh. Okay.
Come on, if you're gonna be
loud, you got to be proud!
Anyway, since you're
such a good writer,
how about texting Zeke and Jimmy
Junior and inviting them over?
I need a Zeke peek.
I'm not allowed to have boys over.
(GROANS) Come on, Tina.
Bring your friend fiction
to life.
Uh...
Come on, do it, do it.
Do it, Do it. Good. Okay, okay.
I'll tell them to get
their butts over here. Yeah.
How do you do
an emoticon for butt? Three.
Three... three...
Oh, I hope you got
a jar to pee in, Gene.
We're gonna be
in here a long time.
I've got Tina's rain boot.
Okay. I'll take the other one.
(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)
Isn't her hair cute?
I did it.
Do I look just like Tammy?
This is Tina talking, not Tammy.
Uh, I know who you are.
Oh, 'cause I look like Tammy.
No, not really. When I'm 14,
I'm gonna shave my head bald.
You guys want to play truth
or dare?
Great, good. I dare us all
to drink this!
Margarita Mix!
The heavy stuff!
Cool.
That's my mom's!
I know, I took a little booze
cruise through your living room.
Does margarita mix
have alcohol in it?
No. Mom uses it to fill
the humming bird feeder.
(GULPS) Oh, my God,
I totally feel it.
Whoo! Come on now,
let's kick on some tunes!
I want to hear some FM, baby.
(GRUNTING)
You're disgusting. Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my God. I can't stop.
Come on, girl! Come on!
I can't stop! I can't stop!
I'm dancing!
I'm dancing, baby!
(GASPS) My porcelain horse,
Horselain!
Leg's broke. We got to shoot it.
Sorry, Horselain.
Let's shift into
after-party mode.
(TURNS OFF RADIO) Okay, after
party is over. Time to go home.
Come on, Tina. We were just
starting to have fun.
I got to go anyway.
My dad's girlfriend
just had a baby
and she's nursin'.
I want to go check
that stuff out.
I'd check that out with you, Zeke.
TINA: I'll walk you out.
Come on, Tammy!
(SIGHS) So lame.
Later, square bear.
Bye.
(SIGHS)
LOUISE: Tina, Tina, Tina.
Or should we say Margaritina?
Don't tell Mom and Dad.
Okay,
but it's gonna cost you.
$10,000.
Or... you do all our chores
for a month!
Oh, that's better.
That's better.
FIRST CHORE: Rinse all the pee
out of these boots.
And this one needs plunging!
LINDA:
We're back!
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
How was Cake?
Eh...
Loved it!
It made me so hungry.
Now, I'm craving cake.
Who wants to cake with me?
Gene?
No thanks. Ever.
Oh, you changed your hair.
Or maybe her hair changed her.
♪ Dum dum dum. ♪
There's nothing sweet in here.
Maybe I'll have a drink instead.
No!
No?
What's gotten into you,
Little Miss Mommy Can't Drink?
You did hit those
Sambucas pretty hard
during intermission, Lin. Hey! If they
didn't want you to pound 'em down,
they'd give you more than
ten minutes, right?
Oh, you are drunk, Mom.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, 'cause you're yelling.
I'm talking normal.
Hm.
Mommy doesn't get drunk.
She just has fun. Crackers,
where's the crackers?
You're coming to bed
with me. Come on.
(SIGHS WITH RELIEF)
Hey, Tina, since you
crapped out last night,
I talked Zeke
and Jimmy Junior into
cutting and going to the mall.
Cutting what?
Cutting classes.
Come on. You owe me.
Sorry, Tammy.
I don't want to cut.
I thought you might
be like this.
(GASPS) That's my
erotic friend fiction!
Uh-uh-uh. See,
this stays with me.
And if you don't stop
acting like a prude-a-bega
and come to the mall, I'm going
to give it to Jimmy Junior!
But you said if he ever saw it,
he'd never talk to me again.
Yeah. It's called a threat.
Oh. But I thought
we were friends.
We are. That's why I'm making
you go on a double date with me.
Don't be such a boob punch.
Okay. But first, let's fix you up.
Hello, Glamsterdam.
Now we're ready
to go to the mall.
OLLIE (SCREAMS):
Bathroom clowns!
Much better
than being in school right now?
Yeah. Hell, yeah! I guess.
Jimmy Junior, what do you
think of Tina's new look?
Pretty trash-tastic, huh?
Yeah, I mean...
sort of.
Piercing booth!
Y'all do nips or scrotes?
Tina, let's get
our tongues pierced!
I-I don't want to
pierce my tongue.
Yes, you do.
No, I really don't.
Jimmy Junior,
you can read, right?
Yeah.
Mr. School.
Not really.
Fine. I'll do it.
But I only have three dollars
and a coupon for
my dad's restaurant. Okay.
What can we get for that?
I can give you
temporary tattoos.
Temp tramp stamps!
Where's Tina?
She should be doing this.
I'm so tired of
being hurt by her.
It's a bunch of grown-ups
playing patty-cake.
I don't get it, Bob.
Then you don't get me, Teddy.
You don't get me.
Oh, he's been
slapping everything
since we got back
from that show.
It's called "caking," Lin.
You know. You were there.
No, I don't know.
No. I fell asleep.
Come on. Do it with me.
No! My hands still hurt
from yesterday.
Teddy? How about you?
Put up your hands. No, thank you.
I just kind of want to
cake with somebody!
All right.
Ow!
I don't like it,
I don't like it.
Stop!
Keep your hands up!
I don't like it!
I don't like this!
Keep 'em up!
Just stop!
Just stop, Bob.
I don't like it.
Don't lower your hands, Teddy!
You're scaring him.
Oh...
He's crying.
It's not fun for everyone, Bob.
(BELL ON DOOR CHIMES)
Tina! You're late!
You didn't get detention
again, did you?
No. I'm just late, okay?
What is all that goop
on your face?
And why are you
showing so much skin?
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Is that a dinosaur
over your tar pit?
Here you go.
What? No.
Oh, you want us to tell Mom and
Dad about your margarita party?
And your new tat?
Uh...
no, I'll do it.
Oh, okay!
And when you're done here,
change my litter box.
And don't tell Mom and Dad
about my litter box.
Tina!
There you are.
I told Zeke and Jimmy Junior
that we'd hang out
at the park tonight,
and you'd bring margaritas.
No, Tammy, I can't.
Ah! Tina!
Can't you tell that Jimmy Junior
likes the new you?
Yeah, I guess.
Then why do you keep fighting it?
I wish I didn't have to
force you have fun.
Sorry.
You know what?
Let's see what happens
when we lose the glasses.
They kind of make your face
look like math class.
Thank you?
No, math class is bad.
Oh.
There we go.
That's so much better, right?
Yeah.
Ah!
Oh, no.
Ow. Tina? Tina?
What the hell is going on?
I wasn't sneaking out.
Try again!
Over here. Woo-hoo!
What happened to your glasses?
And where were you going
with my margarita mix?
I was just gonna meet
some people at the park.
What?
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hold on.
The emergency phone's buzzing.
"Where are you?"
Who the hell is texting
the emergency phone?
It's my friend Tammy.
What?
Can I just text her back?
She'll be really mad if I don't.
No! You may not text
her back, or anyone.
Mom! Stop being a boob punch.
Boob punch?
Your mother's not being
a boob punch, Tina.
That's it. You're grounded.
(TINA SIGHS, PHONE BUZZES)
"Your three is grass."
I don't get it.
Oh. "Your ass is grass."
It's not funny.
I didn't say it was funny.
I just said I figured it out.
(TAP)
(TAP)
Why weren't you at the park?
I looked like an idiot!
I'm sorry. I got grounded.
You wrecked my chances
with Zeke.
That's actually good, Tammy.
Zeke's really gross.
I don't feel that way!
Please don't give my journal
to Jimmy Junior.
Oh, I'm not.
Oh, good.
Yeah, no, I'm going to
read your freak fiction
out loud to everyone
tomorrow during lunch.
No, you can't.
It includes material that may
not be suitable for all ages.
(FAKES CRYING):
Don't worry.
No one's going to hear
all the nasty details
over the judgemental laughing!
You're going down, Tina!
(MOANS)
Tina, hurry up.
You might be grounded,
but you still got to go
to school, little lady.
Mom, I have a fever.
It says you're done
if you're a pork loin.
Meat thermometer?
What, are you new here?
Well, let's go, little piggy.
Off to school!
I can't go to school today.
Why?
Because.
Why?
Because Tammy stole
my erotic friend fiction.
She's gonna read it out loud
during lunch today.
Everyone's gonna laugh at me
and think I'm a freak,
especially Jimmy Junior.
(CRYING)
Aw...
Is that why you've been
acting so bad lately?
Yeah. She's blackmailing me.
Blackmail?
No one blackmails
our sister but us!
Yeah! Messing with Tina
is a privilege, not a right.
All right, you two, scoot.
I need some
private time with Tina.
Tina...
Tammy can't embarrass you.
The only one who can
embarrass you is you.
Yeah?
And you're a creative,
imaginative girl.
You just be you,
and Tammy can go sit in syrup.
Let the bees get her.
What about Jimmy Junior?
He's into dancing, right?
He probably likes the
artsy-fartsy girls like you.
Maybe you're right, Mom.
Yeah, of course I'm right.
I've got nothing to
be embarrassed about.
No, you do not.
I'm going to write
the most erotic, graphic,
freakiest friend fiction ever.
All right!
Freaky friend fiction!
And I'm gonna read it
to the whole school myself.
That's the Tina I know!
C'mere.
♪ My little baby's back ♪
♪ My teeny Tina. ♪
LOUISE:
Yeah, that's right.
Put on that pretty,
pretty lipstick, Tammy.
Then kiss you ass
goodbye with it.
Yeah! Unless you
lived inside of Mom,
you can't mess with Tina.
We're Belchers,
from the womb to the tomb!
We need to get that backpack
and steal the journal
back from her.
Hello.
Andy, can I take
your backpack on a walk?
We'll be back in two minutes.
My backpack's gonna
miss your backpack.
We'll get through this.
Sorry, got to frisk
you for weapons.
Ugh. You got brownie
all over me, jerk.
She's clean.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Ooh, yikes.
Try some club soda.
Oh, thanks so much.
Was I talking to you?
(LAUGHING):
I guess you weren't.
Ha ha ha ha!
Sucker.
I got the goods.
On to the cafeteria
to save Tina!
And get me another browie!
So Tina's rotten friend Tammy
threatened to read
Tina's private writing
in front of the whole school.
But we had a talk, and
Tina's feeling better, so...
What'd you tell her?
I told her she's very creative,
and not to be embarrassed, no matter
what. Well, that's good advice.
Yeah. And then Tina
had a great idea.
She's gonna read
her erotic friend fiction
out loud to
the whole class herself.
Tina's gonna read her
erotic friend fiction
out loud at school?
That's a great idea?
Huh. When you say it like that,
it doesn't sound as good
as when I said it with Tina.
Right, 'cause
she's gonna read...
BOTH: Erotic friend fiction
out loud at school.
Out loud...
Loud...
at school.
At school!
Oh, my God!
What have I done? I'll drive.
Attention, everybody.
It's time for announcements.
The first one is from our
new student, Tammy Larson.
Good afternoon, everybody.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I would like to
present to you a...
What the hell?
Cool! Mom packed
tampons for lunch!
Ooh, share!
I have an announcement.
It's an erotic friend fiction
story that I just wrote.
I hope you like it,
because you're all in it.
It's called "Buttloose."
This is even better.
Tina! Tina!
We got your journal back from
your best friend slash enemy.
I don't need it anymore.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"It was lunch time at Wagstaff."
TINA:
Touching butts had been banned
"by the horrible
Headmaster Frond."
What?
No... no, no, no.
"Suddenly, Tina Belcher
appeared in the doorway."
She knew what she had to do.
She grabbed Jimmy Junior's butt,
"and changed the world."
Okay, Tina,
that was a great story.
Now let's pass back the mike.
"Everyone began to
touch each other's butts.
"Omar touched Jocelyn's butt.
"Chad the Zombie
"touched the butt of that girl
with the frosted hair
from my art class.
I think her name is Kristi."
It's Katie, and ew.
"Even the horrible
Headmaster Frond
touched Ms. Jacobson's butt."
What?
(STAMMERING)
TINA: "Everyone touched
each other's butts,
and it was great." All right,
come here. Come here, come here.
Come here.
Come here, come over here.
"And then Tammy came up to Tina
"and said, 'Sorry for everything.'
Okay...
"Tina said, "That's okay.
Let's go to the movies next week."
"THE END." LINDA: Tina!
Don't read your friend fiction!
But I just finished it.
You're a freak!
(LAUGHING)
(FARTS LOUDLY)
Ooh.
Tammy farted!
Oh, my God!
My ears can smell it!
Laugh fart, laugh fart!
Tammy made a blammy!
Ha ha ha! Gross!
No! It... I didn't do it.
It wasn't my butt.
(FARTS)
That wasn't me.
(FARTING)
No!
Oh, ow, ow, ow.
That one hurt.
That wasn't me!
(FADING INTO DISTANCE):
I didn't do it.
(CRYING, FARTING)
Why are you guys here?
I realised maybe reading
your friend fiction
in front of everyone
wasn't the best idea.
It turned out okay, I think.
No.
No.
Honey...
No, I think it did.
No. No, I'm gonna regret it
for the rest of my life.
I think people liked it.
Man, that girl really farted, huh?
Hey, Tina.
Was the Jimmy Junior in your
story supposed to be me?
Oh, uh... it's a really
common name.
Yeah. It is.
Cool story.
Thanks.
Tina, what was that...
Bob? You're a patty daddy?
I love cake!
Want to cake with me?
Oh. You know,
I'm really not a fan.
A patty cake, a patty cake,
a baker's man! Woo!
Okay, all right.
Work it! That's it.
Got it!
More! Low!
Oh!
High!
Down!
Uh, you guys got to
take this outside.
Let's take it outside.
Okay, let's go.
Hi, see you later.
Okay...
Having your parents at school.
There's nothing more
embarrassing than that.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Okay, everyone,
I hope you've all chosen
your lab partners wisely.
I have.
You'll notice a mixture in front
of you on the Bunsen burner.
Buns... sen.
This mixture
is the most powerful
love potion known to man.
Whatever you do, don't drink it.
Jimmy Junior, no!
It will make you
want to touch each other's butts!
Too late.
I don't need a love potion
to want to do that stuff...
with you.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
MISS JACOBSON:
Chad doesn't have a partner.
Maybe he can join you.
(MOANS)
The more the merrier.
(MOANS)
LINDA: Kids...!
LINDA: Time for breakfast!
Damn.
What kind of a maniac
wakes up an hour early
to write erotic fan fiction?
Me.
LOUISE: Are there any shows
or movies left in the world
that you haven't perved up?
No.
That's why I've started
writing erotic friend fiction.
Using people at school
and zombies.
Oh! Do the janitor
and the vice principal.
I think they'd have
beautiful children.
I did and they don't.
Good morning, my little late
bird. What's with the vest?
It's my Welcome Wagon vest.
I'm showing a new girl
around school today.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Bob, this is
what we're seeing tonight! Ugh.
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Experience
patty cake like never before.
Cake. The New York Times says,
"Cake makes everything
we've been doing
with our hands obsolete."
This week at the Wharf Arts Center.
War Farts!
Wow. What a must-miss.
No kidding.
Stop it. We're going.
(CHANTING): Let's get to Cake
as fast as we can! Ah! BOB: Ugh.
This is the cafeteria,
And that's our American flag...
Tina, no offence, but this tour
is giving me a snore-gasm.
Show me something good.
Well, there's a typo on the
lunch menu. It says "browie."
Seriously, what do you
do for fun around here?
I think there's more on the Tina
tour than you're showing me.
Okay. There is one place
I like to go.
TAMMY: What is this?
TINA: The boys' locker room. You
can only see up to their ankles.
So, you just go around looking
through random holes?
Yes, but not any more. Now I
just look through this one.
Those are Jimmy Junior's feet.
I can tell by the way he walks.
So confident, but still
figuring things out.
ZEKE: Ha! (CHUCKLES)
JIMMY JR.: No, Zeke!
Skid marks. (CHUCKLES)
That's not funny.
They're stripes.
Smelly stripes. (CHUCKLES)
ZEKE: Phew, you stink!
TAMMY: Okay, and who is that?
Zeke. He's got some
hyper in his diaper.
I'd like to see what that shin
bone's connected to. Tammy, don't.
Someone might see us.
MAN: Hey, what's going on in there?
Hi, Coach Blevins.
(TINA GROANS)
I can't believe I got detention.
It's no big deal, Tina.
Don't have a crap attack.
Sucks they give you detention
for wrestling in the library.
What is this, Nicaragua? Yeah,
this school's lame, right, Zeke?
(ZEKE SCOFFS)
That's Jimmy Junior and Zeke.
The feet from the locker room.
Mm, manimal.
Introduce me, okay?
(SMACKS LIPS)
Here.
Oh. Mmuh, mm...
Hey Jimmy Junior! Zeke.
This is Tammy.
She's new at school.
Hey, (GIGGLES) What's...
Hi, what's up?
My loog.
(HACKS, THEN SPITS)
(GRUNTS)
You like that, baby?
No.
Nice loogie, Zeke.
Hey, Jimmy Junior, look at this.
(HACKING, CHOKES,
COUGHING)
I'm okay.
Tina! Where the hell
have you been?
Did you fall in something
shiny on your lips?
Mm. (SMACKS LIPS)
Strawberry.
I got detention.
OTHERS: Detention?!
Really?
I can't believe this!
Detention is no big deal, Mom.
Don't have a crap attack.
What did you just say?
A crap attack.
Don't have one.
(GASPS) Don't you tell me
not to have a crap attack!
I'll have a crap attack any time
I want! Now, go to your room!
This is such a snore-gasm.
(EXHALES)
What the hell was that about?
What is it? Yeah. A crap attack?
I don't know. Do you?
Don't look at me. Well, you're
the one that wanted to have one.
You're the one that sent her to her
room for saying it. I don't know what
these kids are saying.
Don't have a crap attack.
(LAUGHING AND SCREAMING)
Nice, Bob. Nice.
(GIGGLES)
I can't believe
Tina got detention.
She's changing, Bobby.
Tina's turning into a teen.
You've lost her, Mom. Time to
focus on your good daughter.
Gene.
I'm pretty.
You know, maybe you're
overreacting, Lin.
I mean,
you did have a crap attack. Ha...!
She's supposed to baby-sit
tonight while we're at Cake.
Can we even trust her now?
That's a good point.
Maybe we should stay home.
What?
Please?
We're not skipping Cake.
Okay, fine. But I'm gonna
complain the whole time.
Yeah!
You're the baddest girl
in detention, Tina.
Tell me about it, stud.
(GIGGLES) I'm a stud.
I'm an idiot. I know, Zeke.
Don't talk anymore
Tammy, spill that.
Jimmy Junior, mop that up
with your pants.
Okay.
LINDA: Tina!
We're waiting for you!
(BIG SIGH)
We need to go over some ground
rules for tonight, Miss Mouthy.
No boys, no parties,
no summoning spirits
or switching bodies,
and no filling the house
with soap bubbles.
You hear me, Tina?
Yes. I wear glasses,
not hearing aids, Mom.
Ho! Well, I don't wear a hearing
aid either, so I didn't hear that.
Haw!
Well, good night.
What are you doing with
the emergency cell phone?
Texting my friend Tammy.
That'll cost a fortune!
We have a terrible data plan!
Tammy wants to come over.
I texted back a smiley face.
She texted back some letters
I don't understand.
I think she's coming over.
Oh, my God, is she or isn't she?
I can't wait to ha...
(SNORES)
Louise, wake up, Louise!
(SCREAMING)
Ugh.
Huh?
Cute room. I used to have one
of these. I cut its mane off.
I bet that looked cool.
I'm totally going to do that.
(WHISPERS):
No, I won't.
This is like
watching two monkeys
at the puberty zoo.
What's wrong with her face?
Looks like she needs
a flu shot in her eyes.
What's this?
It's my erotic friend fiction.
"Tina reached towards
Jimmy Junior's butt:
"'Your lips say no but your butt
says yes.'" This is hilarious!
It's not meant to be hilarious.
It's supposed to be erotic.
Maybe you don't understand it.
Oh, I understand. And I'm into it.
But never let
Jimmy Junior see this.
He'd be weirded out and
he'd never talk to you again.
Really? Oh, my God,
there's a little drawing here
of Jimmy Junior's butt.
(LAUGHS)
(FARTS) Wha...?
What just happened?
I think Tammy laugh-farted.
That really smells, Tammy.
What? I didn't fart, you did!
Oh. Okay.
Come on, if you're gonna be
loud, you got to be proud!
Anyway, since you're
such a good writer,
how about texting Zeke and Jimmy
Junior and inviting them over?
I need a Zeke peek.
I'm not allowed to have boys over.
(GROANS) Come on, Tina.
Bring your friend fiction
to life.
Uh...
Come on, do it, do it.
Do it, Do it. Good. Okay, okay.
I'll tell them to get
their butts over here. Yeah.
How do you do
an emoticon for butt? Three.
Three... three...
Oh, I hope you got
a jar to pee in, Gene.
We're gonna be
in here a long time.
I've got Tina's rain boot.
Okay. I'll take the other one.
(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)
Isn't her hair cute?
I did it.
Do I look just like Tammy?
This is Tina talking, not Tammy.
Uh, I know who you are.
Oh, 'cause I look like Tammy.
No, not really. When I'm 14,
I'm gonna shave my head bald.
You guys want to play truth
or dare?
Great, good. I dare us all
to drink this!
Margarita Mix!
The heavy stuff!
Cool.
That's my mom's!
I know, I took a little booze
cruise through your living room.
Does margarita mix
have alcohol in it?
No. Mom uses it to fill
the humming bird feeder.
(GULPS) Oh, my God,
I totally feel it.
Whoo! Come on now,
let's kick on some tunes!
I want to hear some FM, baby.
(GRUNTING)
You're disgusting. Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my God. I can't stop.
Come on, girl! Come on!
I can't stop! I can't stop!
I'm dancing!
I'm dancing, baby!
(GASPS) My porcelain horse,
Horselain!
Leg's broke. We got to shoot it.
Sorry, Horselain.
Let's shift into
after-party mode.
(TURNS OFF RADIO) Okay, after
party is over. Time to go home.
Come on, Tina. We were just
starting to have fun.
I got to go anyway.
My dad's girlfriend
just had a baby
and she's nursin'.
I want to go check
that stuff out.
I'd check that out with you, Zeke.
TINA: I'll walk you out.
Come on, Tammy!
(SIGHS) So lame.
Later, square bear.
Bye.
(SIGHS)
LOUISE: Tina, Tina, Tina.
Or should we say Margaritina?
Don't tell Mom and Dad.
Okay,
but it's gonna cost you.
$10,000.
Or... you do all our chores
for a month!
Oh, that's better.
That's better.
FIRST CHORE: Rinse all the pee
out of these boots.
And this one needs plunging!
LINDA:
We're back!
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
How was Cake?
Eh...
Loved it!
It made me so hungry.
Now, I'm craving cake.
Who wants to cake with me?
Gene?
No thanks. Ever.
Oh, you changed your hair.
Or maybe her hair changed her.
♪ Dum dum dum. ♪
There's nothing sweet in here.
Maybe I'll have a drink instead.
No!
No?
What's gotten into you,
Little Miss Mommy Can't Drink?
You did hit those
Sambucas pretty hard
during intermission, Lin. Hey! If they
didn't want you to pound 'em down,
they'd give you more than
ten minutes, right?
Oh, you are drunk, Mom.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, 'cause you're yelling.
I'm talking normal.
Hm.
Mommy doesn't get drunk.
She just has fun. Crackers,
where's the crackers?
You're coming to bed
with me. Come on.
(SIGHS WITH RELIEF)
Hey, Tina, since you
crapped out last night,
I talked Zeke
and Jimmy Junior into
cutting and going to the mall.
Cutting what?
Cutting classes.
Come on. You owe me.
Sorry, Tammy.
I don't want to cut.
I thought you might
be like this.
(GASPS) That's my
erotic friend fiction!
Uh-uh-uh. See,
this stays with me.
And if you don't stop
acting like a prude-a-bega
and come to the mall, I'm going
to give it to Jimmy Junior!
But you said if he ever saw it,
he'd never talk to me again.
Yeah. It's called a threat.
Oh. But I thought
we were friends.
We are. That's why I'm making
you go on a double date with me.
Don't be such a boob punch.
Okay. But first, let's fix you up.
Hello, Glamsterdam.
Now we're ready
to go to the mall.
OLLIE (SCREAMS):
Bathroom clowns!
Much better
than being in school right now?
Yeah. Hell, yeah! I guess.
Jimmy Junior, what do you
think of Tina's new look?
Pretty trash-tastic, huh?
Yeah, I mean...
sort of.
Piercing booth!
Y'all do nips or scrotes?
Tina, let's get
our tongues pierced!
I-I don't want to
pierce my tongue.
Yes, you do.
No, I really don't.
Jimmy Junior,
you can read, right?
Yeah.
Mr. School.
Not really.
Fine. I'll do it.
But I only have three dollars
and a coupon for
my dad's restaurant. Okay.
What can we get for that?
I can give you
temporary tattoos.
Temp tramp stamps!
Where's Tina?
She should be doing this.
I'm so tired of
being hurt by her.
It's a bunch of grown-ups
playing patty-cake.
I don't get it, Bob.
Then you don't get me, Teddy.
You don't get me.
Oh, he's been
slapping everything
since we got back
from that show.
It's called "caking," Lin.
You know. You were there.
No, I don't know.
No. I fell asleep.
Come on. Do it with me.
No! My hands still hurt
from yesterday.
Teddy? How about you?
Put up your hands. No, thank you.
I just kind of want to
cake with somebody!
All right.
Ow!
I don't like it,
I don't like it.
Stop!
Keep your hands up!
I don't like it!
I don't like this!
Keep 'em up!
Just stop!
Just stop, Bob.
I don't like it.
Don't lower your hands, Teddy!
You're scaring him.
Oh...
He's crying.
It's not fun for everyone, Bob.
(BELL ON DOOR CHIMES)
Tina! You're late!
You didn't get detention
again, did you?
No. I'm just late, okay?
What is all that goop
on your face?
And why are you
showing so much skin?
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Is that a dinosaur
over your tar pit?
Here you go.
What? No.
Oh, you want us to tell Mom and
Dad about your margarita party?
And your new tat?
Uh...
no, I'll do it.
Oh, okay!
And when you're done here,
change my litter box.
And don't tell Mom and Dad
about my litter box.
Tina!
There you are.
I told Zeke and Jimmy Junior
that we'd hang out
at the park tonight,
and you'd bring margaritas.
No, Tammy, I can't.
Ah! Tina!
Can't you tell that Jimmy Junior
likes the new you?
Yeah, I guess.
Then why do you keep fighting it?
I wish I didn't have to
force you have fun.
Sorry.
You know what?
Let's see what happens
when we lose the glasses.
They kind of make your face
look like math class.
Thank you?
No, math class is bad.
Oh.
There we go.
That's so much better, right?
Yeah.
Ah!
Oh, no.
Ow. Tina? Tina?
What the hell is going on?
I wasn't sneaking out.
Try again!
Over here. Woo-hoo!
What happened to your glasses?
And where were you going
with my margarita mix?
I was just gonna meet
some people at the park.
What?
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hold on.
The emergency phone's buzzing.
"Where are you?"
Who the hell is texting
the emergency phone?
It's my friend Tammy.
What?
Can I just text her back?
She'll be really mad if I don't.
No! You may not text
her back, or anyone.
Mom! Stop being a boob punch.
Boob punch?
Your mother's not being
a boob punch, Tina.
That's it. You're grounded.
(TINA SIGHS, PHONE BUZZES)
"Your three is grass."
I don't get it.
Oh. "Your ass is grass."
It's not funny.
I didn't say it was funny.
I just said I figured it out.
(TAP)
(TAP)
Why weren't you at the park?
I looked like an idiot!
I'm sorry. I got grounded.
You wrecked my chances
with Zeke.
That's actually good, Tammy.
Zeke's really gross.
I don't feel that way!
Please don't give my journal
to Jimmy Junior.
Oh, I'm not.
Oh, good.
Yeah, no, I'm going to
read your freak fiction
out loud to everyone
tomorrow during lunch.
No, you can't.
It includes material that may
not be suitable for all ages.
(FAKES CRYING):
Don't worry.
No one's going to hear
all the nasty details
over the judgemental laughing!
You're going down, Tina!
(MOANS)
Tina, hurry up.
You might be grounded,
but you still got to go
to school, little lady.
Mom, I have a fever.
It says you're done
if you're a pork loin.
Meat thermometer?
What, are you new here?
Well, let's go, little piggy.
Off to school!
I can't go to school today.
Why?
Because.
Why?
Because Tammy stole
my erotic friend fiction.
She's gonna read it out loud
during lunch today.
Everyone's gonna laugh at me
and think I'm a freak,
especially Jimmy Junior.
(CRYING)
Aw...
Is that why you've been
acting so bad lately?
Yeah. She's blackmailing me.
Blackmail?
No one blackmails
our sister but us!
Yeah! Messing with Tina
is a privilege, not a right.
All right, you two, scoot.
I need some
private time with Tina.
Tina...
Tammy can't embarrass you.
The only one who can
embarrass you is you.
Yeah?
And you're a creative,
imaginative girl.
You just be you,
and Tammy can go sit in syrup.
Let the bees get her.
What about Jimmy Junior?
He's into dancing, right?
He probably likes the
artsy-fartsy girls like you.
Maybe you're right, Mom.
Yeah, of course I'm right.
I've got nothing to
be embarrassed about.
No, you do not.
I'm going to write
the most erotic, graphic,
freakiest friend fiction ever.
All right!
Freaky friend fiction!
And I'm gonna read it
to the whole school myself.
That's the Tina I know!
C'mere.
♪ My little baby's back ♪
♪ My teeny Tina. ♪
LOUISE:
Yeah, that's right.
Put on that pretty,
pretty lipstick, Tammy.
Then kiss you ass
goodbye with it.
Yeah! Unless you
lived inside of Mom,
you can't mess with Tina.
We're Belchers,
from the womb to the tomb!
We need to get that backpack
and steal the journal
back from her.
Hello.
Andy, can I take
your backpack on a walk?
We'll be back in two minutes.
My backpack's gonna
miss your backpack.
We'll get through this.
Sorry, got to frisk
you for weapons.
Ugh. You got brownie
all over me, jerk.
She's clean.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Ooh, yikes.
Try some club soda.
Oh, thanks so much.
Was I talking to you?
(LAUGHING):
I guess you weren't.
Ha ha ha ha!
Sucker.
I got the goods.
On to the cafeteria
to save Tina!
And get me another browie!
So Tina's rotten friend Tammy
threatened to read
Tina's private writing
in front of the whole school.
But we had a talk, and
Tina's feeling better, so...
What'd you tell her?
I told her she's very creative,
and not to be embarrassed, no matter
what. Well, that's good advice.
Yeah. And then Tina
had a great idea.
She's gonna read
her erotic friend fiction
out loud to
the whole class herself.
Tina's gonna read her
erotic friend fiction
out loud at school?
That's a great idea?
Huh. When you say it like that,
it doesn't sound as good
as when I said it with Tina.
Right, 'cause
she's gonna read...
BOTH: Erotic friend fiction
out loud at school.
Out loud...
Loud...
at school.
At school!
Oh, my God!
What have I done? I'll drive.
Attention, everybody.
It's time for announcements.
The first one is from our
new student, Tammy Larson.
Good afternoon, everybody.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I would like to
present to you a...
What the hell?
Cool! Mom packed
tampons for lunch!
Ooh, share!
I have an announcement.
It's an erotic friend fiction
story that I just wrote.
I hope you like it,
because you're all in it.
It's called "Buttloose."
This is even better.
Tina! Tina!
We got your journal back from
your best friend slash enemy.
I don't need it anymore.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"It was lunch time at Wagstaff."
TINA:
Touching butts had been banned
"by the horrible
Headmaster Frond."
What?
No... no, no, no.
"Suddenly, Tina Belcher
appeared in the doorway."
She knew what she had to do.
She grabbed Jimmy Junior's butt,
"and changed the world."
Okay, Tina,
that was a great story.
Now let's pass back the mike.
"Everyone began to
touch each other's butts.
"Omar touched Jocelyn's butt.
"Chad the Zombie
"touched the butt of that girl
with the frosted hair
from my art class.
I think her name is Kristi."
It's Katie, and ew.
"Even the horrible
Headmaster Frond
touched Ms. Jacobson's butt."
What?
(STAMMERING)
TINA: "Everyone touched
each other's butts,
and it was great." All right,
come here. Come here, come here.
Come here.
Come here, come over here.
"And then Tammy came up to Tina
"and said, 'Sorry for everything.'
Okay...
"Tina said, "That's okay.
Let's go to the movies next week."
"THE END." LINDA: Tina!
Don't read your friend fiction!
But I just finished it.
You're a freak!
(LAUGHING)
(FARTS LOUDLY)
Ooh.
Tammy farted!
Oh, my God!
My ears can smell it!
Laugh fart, laugh fart!
Tammy made a blammy!
Ha ha ha! Gross!
No! It... I didn't do it.
It wasn't my butt.
(FARTS)
That wasn't me.
(FARTING)
No!
Oh, ow, ow, ow.
That one hurt.
That wasn't me!
(FADING INTO DISTANCE):
I didn't do it.
(CRYING, FARTING)
Why are you guys here?
I realised maybe reading
your friend fiction
in front of everyone
wasn't the best idea.
It turned out okay, I think.
No.
No.
Honey...
No, I think it did.
No. No, I'm gonna regret it
for the rest of my life.
I think people liked it.
Man, that girl really farted, huh?
Hey, Tina.
Was the Jimmy Junior in your
story supposed to be me?
Oh, uh... it's a really
common name.
Yeah. It is.
Cool story.
Thanks.
Tina, what was that...
Bob? You're a patty daddy?
I love cake!
Want to cake with me?
Oh. You know,
I'm really not a fan.
A patty cake, a patty cake,
a baker's man! Woo!
Okay, all right.
Work it! That's it.
Got it!
More! Low!
Oh!
High!
Down!
Uh, you guys got to
take this outside.
Let's take it outside.
Okay, let's go.
Hi, see you later.
Okay...
Having your parents at school.
There's nothing more
embarrassing than that.