Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Food Truckin' - full transcript

I got a visual lock
on sandwiches.

Where?
One o'clock.

1:00? But I'm hungry now!

TINA:
Are they ice cream, or regular?

LOUISE: Both.
GENE AND TINA: Whoa.

Keep it in your pants, guys.

Psst. Here comes your father.

Nice try.
I saw you looking.

Mom says it's okay to look.

Yeah, we're married, not buried!

Look, I know you kids are
excited about the food trucks



that are stealing our business
and bankrupting us.

I'm excited.

What's so great about
getting food from a truck?

There's no sitting area.
There's no bathroom.

There's long lines.

Who eats like that?
Animals eat like that.

I don't know, Bob,
I think it's nice.

It's like camping.

Except without
all that awful nature.

It's just a trend, Lin,

and anyway, say good-bye
to the trucks, kids.

Because tomorrow we are
taking back the street.

And taking back the night!

Respect for women!



My body, my rules!

(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS,
A HAWK SCREECHES)

Okay, we're gonna
block all the spots

in front of the restaurant.

You ready? Go!

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

Go away! This street's haunted.

Bobby, they're everywhere.
We're outnumbered.

I told you we should've
had more children!

(GRUNTING): I'm just gonna
let you tire yourself out.

Gene, stop. This was
a terrible idea.

Plan B, Dad! I'm slashing tires!

No! Then they'll never leave.

I'll poison the tires.

It's the documentarian

who hates Dad and
puts wigs on cows.

Werner Herzog?

Oh, hello, Bob!

I forgot you
lived-slash-worked here.

Well, I do. And you're
blocking my restaurant

with your ridiculous food truck.

Ode to Soy?

I'm soy excited
that you like it.

I don't.
What are you doing here?

Are you making
another documentary?

No. Filmmaking was just
a hobbytunity for me.

And now you own a food truck?
How can you afford this?

Hmm... I have my ways, Bob.

One of those ways is that I have
inheritance from my grandfather.

You'll be able to read all about

my food trucking
journey in my blook.

What's a "blook"?

A blonde cook.
Blooks have more fun.

No. It's a blog I'm writing
that I'm turning into a book.

And then probably a bloovie.

You-you can't take two words

and make them into one
stupider word, Randy.

Well, Bob, now you're not
invited to the blemiere. Aww.

Well, good luck with
your terrible vegan food.

Oh, thanks, Bob. Good luck
with your terrible life.

Good luck with your stupid walk.
I hate the way you walk.

Oh, good luck with wearing
that face all over the world.

Good luck with your ble...
your blemishy face.

My what? B... B... B-what?? Good
luck with your speech therapy.

See, this is what I mean...

idiots in trucks selling food
to idiots on the sidewalk.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I want it!

Oh, Genghis Flan!

I think I saw pizza straws!

Oooh, Ain't Muffin To It! Yay!

Se Bob?

Look around... food
trucks are the future.

No, they're a trend.

Yes, the trend of the future.

Well, maybe I'll just get
my own food truck, Randy,

- and park it right out front here.
- You should!

Maybe I will!
You seriously should!

It's a good idea!

Then if it's a good idea,
I'm going to do it!

Well, I hope that you do,
because it is a good idea!

Well, do you seriously think
it's a good idea?!

Yes, I do! That's what
I'm trying to tell you!

- Well, then, I will do it!
- All right, I'm glad you took my advice!

- Well, I'm not mad at you anymore!
- I'm not mad at you in the first place!

'Cause if you think it's a good
idea, I should get a food truck!

Bob, I'm just mirroring
your energy!

Fine. I'm...
my point is I'm a cook.

I could do it. Right?
Okay. Yes.

I think it's a good idea.

Thank you.
What happened there?

(PHONE RINGS)
Bob's Burgers.

BOB (ON PHONE): Lin, I did it.
Did what?

BOB: Look out in the street.
I'm fighting back.

LINDA: I'm looking.
I'm not seeing anything.

You're scaring me.

BOB: Just pull the cord
and come to the window.

What? Nothing's there.
BOB: Okay, switch to the cordless.

IT BROKE. BOB: Eh...
Never mind. Just come outside.

GOTTA GO. BOB:
What do you mean, you have to go?

You don't have to say "got to
go," I'm on the phone with you.

OH. BOB: I said come outside.
What do you mean, "got to go"?

I'm nerv...
You're making me nervous.

BOB: Just come outside.
Gotta go.

(ICE-CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Ta-dah!
Ahhh.

What is it?

I bought a food truck.
I'm gonna show 'em, Lin!

I'm gonna show 'em all!

(ENGINE SPUTTERS AND DIES)

Don't, don't breathe that.
(COUGHS)

I'm sure it's fine.

Bobby, you bought a food truck?
How can we afford this?

We can't. Really.

I had to dip into
Gene's college fund.

Nah, I probably won't
be needing it.

But what about all
that stuff you said

about not giving in to trends?

We're selling out! Yeah!

Gene, we're not selling out.

We're gonna steal customers
from our own restaurant.

We'll never see it coming.

This truck needs a makeover.

Makeover, ooh!

We're gonna turn this whore
into a Pretty Woman!

Big mistake! Big!

I love that part.
When she does that.

She goes in the store.

Bob, you're not gonna close
the restaurant, are you?

Now that you're a hotshot
food truck guy?

I'm not a food truck guy, Teddy.

Besides, I can't afford
to close the restaurant.

I'm just stealing
my customers back.

I... You don't have
to steal me back.

I never buy anything off a truck
except stereos and stamps.

Love that stamp truck.

TINA (ON WALKIE-TALKIE):
Bob's one to Bob's two.

Tina, use our code names!

TINA: Oh, sorry. Black Beauty to
Music Man and The Godfather.

What's your 20? Over.

We're in the wheelbarrow
with Back-hair and The Jackal.

I better be the Jackal.
Dad. Grow up.

Okay, I got the flat-top
all installed here.

Couple things to know.

I rigged it so the grease'll
drain into this trap.

You don't open it
while you're driving,

or you'll coat the road
behind you.

Cars'll be slipping and sliding
all over the place.

- Slippity-slide!
- It's not a joke. It's very serious.

Ah, it sounds funny.

Oh, one more thing;
This is important.

What was it?

Oh, yeah, you can't
have the truck

and the grill going at once.
Okay. What'll happen?

Could be fine, could
be a giant fireball.

Hey, does this turn
the grill on?

Yes, it does, Gene.
Gene, no!

So, you want me to just
start over here, Bob?

- (SIGHS) Yup.
- Same invoice?

Why not? Who else doesn't
want to go to college?

Me!
Me!

LOUISE: It's weird to look
at the restaurant now.

I can't believe
I used to work there.

This must be how
the astronauts felt

the first time they saw
the Earth from space.

So small. So fragile.

This isn't so bad, right?

It's tight quarters,
but it's kind of cozy.

If by "cozy," you mean it reeks.

Yeah, why do
your armpits smell like feet?

- And his feet smell like chilli!
- 'Cause I don't wash.

But do you season?
Get up, Gene.

Hi, I'm Tina.
May I take your order?

Sure, Dina.
I'll have a...

No. My name is, uh...

Dina.

Okay. That's what I said.

Tina's on break.

Dina's filling in...
and I'm her.

Kids, hold down the fort.

I got to drop a potato
in the crockpot.

Got it. Back-hair's
deucin', over.

Copy that.

Wait. Where's everybody going?

Oh, Bob, you're adorably naive.

Food trucks go wherever
hungry people are!

Like super heroes.

Like super heroes!

Well, where is that, exactly?

I'll never tell!

Okay, the flea market

and then the baseball game.

Look, just... just
follow me on Chowster.

Adieu, Robert, adieu!

Chowster?

It's a site where we can post
where the truck's gonna be

every day, so people
can follow us.

You're gonna move
the truck around?

Can it even drive?

Yes! I think.

Downhill.

I thought we were just
gonna park out in front

and steal our own customers.

If you drive around, you'll
be stealing someone else's.

Yeah, well, we're not
making enough money

stealing from ourselves.

Great. While you're in the party
truck, I'll hold down the fort.

The boring old fort
with no wheels.

Looks like we're adding
"whine" to the menu.

The road will be the
perfect place for Dina.

She's restless.

(GRUNTS)

Oh. (GRUNTS)

What should we call ourselves?

We need a handle online.

The Cat Burger-lers.

Hmm, we're not an improv group.

Beef curtains.
Gene.

Mm. You said I could
say that once a year.

Yes, on your birthday.

@BobsBurgersFoodTruck
is just fine.

Yeah, if this was
three years ago.

Oh, you were serious.

Beef curtains!

♪ ♪

♪ Meet me on the road ♪

♪ Hauling quite a load ♪

♪ Taking lots of drugs,
I don't know what ♪

♪ A pen in a jug ♪

♪ Gettin' rest stop tugs ♪

♪ Might've hit a man,
but didn't stop. ♪

Yo-ho! Guys!

Guess who closed the
restaurant and came on the road?

We're gonna be like the
Partridge family, but with food.

You closed the restaurant?

Lin, we need to have both
going at the same time.

Fine, then you go work there.
I don't want to.

Good! So make room for
Mommy in the fun-bus!

Dad, drive.

Hey, hey!
BOB: Lin, come on.

- GENE AND LOUISE: Okay, go.
- I'm not in! Don't go!

GENE: Yes! Go, go, go.
LOUISE: Drive!

Where you going?
Hey, my foot!

I told you this would be fun.

Hey!

BOB:
All right.

Everybody out.
Bedtime.

In the house?
I hate the house.

Now that we're not
doing the restaurant,

the house feels
kind of pointless.

What do you want to do,
sleep in the truck?

- I'll go get the sleeping bags.
- Yeah!

And my moisturising gloves!

And Tina's body pillow!
He has a name!

Sorry, Jeffrey.

A new name calls for a new look.

And a new voice.

Tina talks like this.

(SAME VOICE):
Dina talks like this.

Nice-sized line, Bob.

You're almost getting
the hang of this.

Yeah, you know, it's fun.

Too bad we're not
making any profit.

Between the repairs, the gas...
Hey, Dad...

and that,
we are still in the red.

Oh, well, if you want to
actually make money on this,

you've got to get on
the festival circuit.

First one of the season
is this weekend.

Lolla-pa-foods-a?

Isn't it funny how much
more I know than you?

No.
I think it's embarrassing.

Anyway... Everyone gets drunk
and spends lots of money.

And this year Tabitha Johansson
is headlining the concert.

- Tabitha who?
- (SCOFFS): The sexy pianist.

She sings that song
about oil spills,

but you know she's talking
about her vagina.

Gene.
How do you know that?

It's not subtle.
It really isn't.

Plus, the most popular truck
gets a cash prize:

A thousand bucks.

Wow, that sounds great.

We could really use
a thousand bucks.

The festival circuit.
Maybe we'll never come home!

Why would you?

Yeah. We can get truck-schooled!

And have truck prom.

Hey, you'd be friends
with everyone in school!

You would.
Oh, yeah.

All right. Everyone's got
their seat belt on.

(SNORES)

LINDA:
Ooh...

Ooh! This thing is
big and intimidating.

I don't know if
I should drive it...

Hey, Jennifer Slow-pez!

Get the hell out of the road!

My God, Lin.
What?

What's gotten into you?
I don't know.

This truck just makes me
feel so powerful.

I think I'm okay now.

Hey, Driving Miss Crazy,

pick a lane!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Lin, are you okay?

You seem a little on edge.

I'm hopped up on bennies, Bob.

Don't tell the kids.

What?
Where'd you get those?

They hooked me up
at the truck stop.

- See?
- These are non-drowsy antihistamines.

Well, whatever they are,
they're doing the trick.

(GROANS) It's gonna take
forever to get inside.

No, it won't. No one's
using this right-hand lane,

I'll tell you that.

Uh, Lin, I think
this is the sidewalk.

(HORN BLARES, MAN GASPS)

Use the crosswalk, you maniac!

You're gonna get
yourself killed!

Okay, you guys are
my street team.

We need to make some money,
and it wouldn't hurt

to win "most popular truck."

Gene, Louise you're gonna
pass out samples.

I wouldn't mind
passing out samples.

Dina's ready to mingle.

Fine by me! Let the
new girl do it.

Fine, just be aggressive.

Dina only plays offence.

Gene, Louise, you write
our Chowster updates.

Make us sound cool.

Okay. Should I just
write negative stuff

about the other trucks so that
people will come to ours?

No, You should not do that.

Okay, I definitely won't.

Free samples.
Bob's Burgers.

Hey, cool glasses.

Thanks. I need them to see.

Ha! Is this organic?
Sure.

Is it grass-fed?
Yes.

Cruelty-free?

Is it bison?
That one is.

Do these pair well with an IPA?

It goes well with all letters.

IPA, CSI, PTA,

IRS, HMO, OMG.

Where are you selling these?

Uh, right over there.

And that's how
Dina plays the game.

MAN:
Oh, yeah, totally.

The definition of free-range,
you know?

Let's start
with the dumpling stand.

(EATING LOUDLY)

Okay, how was it?

Mm, I wouldn't kick it out
of bed for eating crackers.

It tastes like
they actually went to the dump

to get this dumpling.

That's not what I said.
(MUNCHING)

Woof! Someone put
a leash on this quiche!

(MUNCHING)

Let's not get this party tarted!

(CHUCKLES, MUNCHING)

These crepes gave me cramps!

Hey, guys, what have
you been doing?

Lying on Chowster. You?

Lying to hipsters.

I'm lying to myself.
I do not look good in shorts.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Wow, this is going
great, huh, Lin?

Drunk people like hamburgers.

It's not science.

♪ Oh, it's hot
and wet and slick ♪

♪ And it's making
everybody sick ♪

(BREATHY): ♪ Oil spill! ♪

♪ Oil spill ♪

♪ Oil spill. ♪

Ugh, you were right.
It's not subtle.

See?

Ooh, thank you, everyone.

And now I'd like to welcome
festival chairman Paul Blinkman

to announce
the food truck winner.

Hello, everybody,
it's Paul Blinkman.

How we doing out there?

What the hell,
@BobsBurgersFoodTruck?

"More like Boo-ritos"?!

Trying to spread rumours, huh?

You ruined my business today.

"Samosas on a Stick
will make your butt sick"?

- Wait. What?
- Wow, Dad, I didn't know

- you were such a mean girl.
- He's a nasty bitch.

Oh, Louise, you didn't.

Okay, it's the moment
you've all been waiting for.

What an amazing competition
this year,

and we have a winner...
it's a new truck...

Bob's Burgers!

(LAUGHS) Hey, Bobby!
Bob's Burgers! We won!

Sorry, got to go.

Whoo!

Boo! Boo! Boo!

(CROWD BOOING)

Come on. Don't boo.

Look, I'm sorry my daughter
wrote mean things about you

and that we knocked off
some of your mirrors.

You're the one who knocked
off my mirror? Boo!

You're not even creative.
You just make hamburgers.

You're the worst!
You're the worst!

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what.
We won! We schooled you!

I liked his burgers.

And they're grass-fed,
cruelty-free soy-bison.

Soy bison?
No they're not.

That's what Dina said.

Uh...

You lied to us!
This is fraud!

- Freak! Liar!
- This is fraud!

Dina, what have you done?
Let's get him!

My dad can take all of you,

you weak hippies!
Gene!

Okay, maybe just the drunk guy
who barfed on his baby.

(LAUGHS WOOZILY)

I'm gonna throw
a falafel at him! There!

Ooh, this crowd has energy!

- Uh-o.
- Bob, kids, get back in the truck.

- TABITHA: ♪ Ener-g-gy! ♪
- I'm just going to, uh... go!

TABITHA: Energ-g-gy! Oh!

Oh, Dina, you are more trouble
than you're worth.

So long, Dina.

Uh, everybody, stop.
Let me...

Wait! Stop!

If you want to get to Bob,

you're gonna have to
go through me first.

Let's get both of 'em!

(CROWD CLAMOURING)
Here he is!

Bob, Bob, let me in.

What? You just turned
against me, Randy.

Please, Bob. I'm not strong.

(SIGHS) Fine.

Whew, that was close,
but we're safe now.

There's nothing
they can do to us in here.

(SCREAMING)

(BANGING)
Is everybody okay?

I'm okay.
Kids?

I can't feel my legs.
(FARTS)

Oh, never mind, it's just gas.

Hey, Dad, the truck's
upside down.

I know, Tina.
Okay.

These foodies are showing some
spine, and I like it! Again!

Oh, God, we're gonna die!

If I survive you, Bobby,
I won't get remarried...

for two years.

I don't want to die a virgin.
Me neither.

Wait, that gives me an idea.

No, no.

I never should have given in
to this stupid food truck fad.

- I miss the restaurant.
- Me, too.

What is going on out there!?

This was just supposed
to be a food festival.

LOUISE: Holy crap.

Burn, you beautiful bench, burn!

Burn, you beautiful bench, burn!

It's nuts out there.
I give 'em an hour

till they're eating each other.

I hope you're happy
with yourselves.

Look what your Chowster
bullying did!

Our bullying got us
a thousand-dollar check!

What about Tina's lies?

It wasn't me, it was Dina.

It's not a lie
if you lie to vegetarians.

You taught us that.

I-I did teach you that.

- What about your road rage, Mom?!
- Yeah!

- What about it?
- It's not very good.

Can we agree that Randy
is blameless here?

- No.
- No. Whoa!

Almost blameless?

All of this started
because of you!

You got me on Chowster!

You told me
to come to this festival!

All good advice! Look, if
it'll make you feel better,

I'll do something
you tell me to do.

Okay, punch yourself
in the face, you idiot.

I just was punched
in the face...

by your harsh words!

Look, let's just lock
the doors, hunker down

and wait this out.

Mm.

Talk to me, Goose.
What's going on out there?

It's Lolla-pa-snooze-a-la
out there.

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

(PEOPLE SNORING)

(QUIETLY):
Jump down, Randy.

- I'm scared.
- Oh, my God.

- I have weak ankles.
- Fine, stay up. (GRUNTS)

I thought you were
gonna catch me.

Catch you?
Why would I catch you?

Boys, stop fighting!

Let's do the plan!

(ALL GRUNTING, TRUCK CREAKING)

Yeah!
All right!

No! No, no, no!

No, no, no!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Everyone, get in!
Get in!

Let's get 'em!

(GRUNTING)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Gene, release the grease trap.
Release the grease!

(GASPING)

Yes!

See? I knew
it was funny!

We're doing it!
We're losing 'em.

- Go, us.
- Ooh. Nice grill. May I?

Randy, no!
What?

(SLO-MO YELL): No...!

Don't worry, everybody,
only 15 miles to go.

We almost had it all, didn't we?

At least we didn't
lose this check.

I've got half of it
right here! That's $500.

That's not how it works, Gene.

Yes, it is!
You're not a bank.

Oh, hey, Bob, I met

a really interesting
guy at the festival.

He's got a holistic
glassblowing studio.

You want take the
intro class with me?

Oh, yeah, I do, Randy.

Really?
No.

- Hmm, so you lied.
- Yeah, Dad.

Blow glass with Randy
and some interesting guy.

That sounds great.

Okay, let's play the quiet game
until we get back.

Oh-ho-ho, you've done it now;
I am great at the quiet game.

Okay, so start now.

- Okay, I have started.
- And here we go.

Well, you're already losing
'cause you just said something.

I'm pretty sure I'm winning.
Obviously.

What are you talking about?

The whole point of the quiet
game is to stop talking.

- Let's start over. Round two.
- Okay, here we go.

You just lost again.

- What are you talking about?
- Gene?

So far, two nothing, me.

You just lost.

Louise,
you want to say something?

Ah...
Did I win?!

(CHUCKLES)
No, you just lost.

(SNORING)

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

Bob?! Oh.

♪ Oh, it's hot
and wet and slick ♪

♪ And it's making
everybody sick ♪

♪ Oil spill! ♪

♪ It's on the fish,
it's on the crabs ♪

♪ Foul so close
when you can grab ♪

♪ This oil spill ♪

(BREATHY):
♪ Oil spill... oil spill. ♪

♪ Oil spill... ♪