Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Burgerboss - full transcript
The video arcade company places a game called "Burgerboss" in the restaurant; Bob was a champion in high school, and he is confident in his skills. Jimmy Pesto gets the high score and signs his winning round "BOB SUX." Bob cannot allow the insult to pass so he plays obsessively until Linda asks the company to pick up Burgerboss. Bob tracks it down to Family Funtime, but he cannot enter without children. Bob tells Linda he and the kids are taking sailing lessons as a surprise for her. Soon, Bob and kids are fixtures at Family Funtime; the kids are crashing 5-6 birthday parties per day and OD-ing on cake, ice cream and pizza. With the help of his nerdy new pal, Darryl, Bob is on his way to a high score, but the kids are bored with Family Funtime. Louise has a scheme to crash a Glencrest Yacht Club "orphan benefit," Tots Without Yachts. The bacon wrapped scallops are about to hit the Commodore's Balls when Linda is called to retrieve her unruly family.
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
That's the song I want to lose it to.
Mm-mm-mm!
This is exciting, right?
A video game, right
here in our restaurant.
Yeah, I used to be pretty good
at this game, too.
By which, I mean best
in the entire school.
Wow.
Yeah.
We would not have been friends.
I think we would have, Louise.
I was very cool.
I'd be your friend.
I don't care
if nobody likes you.
It's him or us, Tina!
Uh, I don't know.
Don't make me choose.
Yeah, I think this could
bring in some real business.
Maybe enough that we can
finally get that new vent hood.
Oh, or we could get
sailing lessons.
Or we could buy gift cards.
They're as good as cash.
No.
We could buy an island.
No.
And then a smaller island
nearby, for farting.
Did somebody say
sailing lessons?
That's a great idea!
You said that.
Oh.
Okay, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, all right?
Fart island.
Sailing lessons.
God.
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
Look out!
Ketchup bottle.
Agh!
GENE, LOUISE AND TINA:
Ooh!
I know, I know,
the ketchup's a killer.
But I got on the board.
80,000 points!
B-O-B... one.
"BOB1."
Hey, Burgerboss!
You play?
Ah, a little.
Well, why don't you try
beating my score?
Okay.
Go ahead.
All right.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, you like
how these fingers feel, hmm?
Yeah, you do, don't you?
Huh?
Yeah, I bet you never had
someone this good.
Aw, you make me
feel like a king.
Jimmy, my kids are right here.
Ooh!
Please stop,
we're just leasing it.
JIMMY:
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Oh, your corners are so smooth.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, something to hold on to;
I like that.
(SIGHS)
You got over 300,000 points!
Ah!
Dad, what was your score again?
Never mind, Louise.
What was it though?
Mm-mm.
See you, Bob.
Call me next time
you find something
that you think you're good at.
Oh, hey, almost forgot.
Mm-mm-mm-mm. Huh.
(GASPING)
BOB:
Oh, ha-ha.
"Bob Sux."
That's, uh,
that's really funny, Jimmy.
(LAUGHS)
Then, you know,
when I beat your high score,
I'm gonna write,
"Jimmy Pesto is an idiot
"and he doesn't know
how to spell 'sucks.'
And he's dumb!"
Dad, he's gone.
I saw.
Okay, enough is enough.
He's not gonna taunt me
on my own turf, Lin.
Okay, you know,
I'll just unplug it.
Maybe that'll erase
the high scores, right?
Yeah.
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah, that didn't work.
You know what? I'll take
care of this myself.
All right, well, hurry up.
It's the kids' night
to do the dishes,
so we're gonna have to
do them all over again
before we go to bed.
I'll be right up.
This won't take long.
Just got to...
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
shake off the rust.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
Come on.
LINDA: Bobby?
Uh-huh?
Could you take a break from that
and help me with the grill?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One second.
No, this second, Bobby!
You played that thing all night.
Are you kidding me
with that pickle?!
(GRUNTING)
I saw that!
Oh, Bobby, is this turning into
another one of
your peeing races with Jimmy?
It's not called a
peeing race, Lin.
It's called a pissing contest.
Well, you know
how these things turn out.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
Mm.
Eh?
(GRUNTS)
How about this?!
Nuh-uh!
Hmm.
I'm telling you, Bobby,
you should learn
to just ignore Pesto.
Hey, kid, back off.
I feel your breath on my hip.
I did it, Lin!
Kids, come look!
Did you beat Jimmy?
What? No.
I broke 100,000.
Fantastic!
(WHISPERS):
Was it obvious I don't care?
Just smile and nod.
Well, I'm on my way is my point.
LINDA:
What?
Again?
I can't stop now, Lin.
Not until I can erase "Bob Sux."
What's wrong with your hand?
Nothing.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Redrum. Redrum.
Uh-oh, Bob.
You better go easy.
You could have
the carpal tunnels.
It's just a cramp.
I must be dehydrated.
(GRUNTING)
Ew.
This can't happen now.
Maybe I should see a doctor.
Good.
Otherwise, I might
have to stop playing.
Ugh!
GENE:
Please tell me they shoot webs.
Are we finally getting a falcon?
I think they're flattering.
Like wrist corsets.
The doctor said
with these splints
and these pain pills,
I should be good to go.
Oh, he didn't tell you
to lay off the game? No!
I can tell
when you're lying, Bob!
Whenever you lie,
your eyes get crossed a little.
The doctor said
the last thing...
Look, they're crossing.
I'll just shut
them. Ready?
Okay.
He said the last thing
you want to do
is stop playing.
You're so full of it.
What's gonna happen
if you can't use your hands?
Yeah, how are we gonna do our
hitchhiking across America trip?
Who's gonna play
harp at my wedding?
And how will we become a famous
father-son close-up magic team?!
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Lin?
Oops. Overslept.
Well, might as well take two.
Morning, babe.
Sorry I got to bed
so late last night.
W-Where's the game?!
The game is gone!
Bob, calm down.
I got rid of the game.
What?! Why?!
Look at, look at me.
It's an intervention.
You have a problem.
Yeah, yeah!
I do, Lin!
"Bob Sux" is on the game!
And I need to get it off!
I'm gonna track down that game,
and I'm gonna knock "Bob
Sux" off the board!
Okay, Bobby, okay.
I'm not leaving any
stone unturned, Lin!
They're all gonna be turned!
All the stones!
Okay. Look at me.
Look at me. Happy times.
I'm furious!
I had the video game company
take your game away
because I love you.
Mm-mm.
It's like the time you took away
the credit card from me
when I was ordering
all those porcelain babies.
♪ If you're not real ♪
♪ Then how come
I feel this way? ♪
♪ Little babies. ♪
Come here.
(KISSING)
Come here.
Aw, little baby.
(KISSING)
Linda, listen very carefully.
What?
Where did they take the game?
Miles away by now, Bobby.
Just forget about it.
Where?!
Where did they take it?!
You're spitting on me.
Wait!
Wait! Stop the truck!
That's my game!
Genie's out of the bottle now.
The whole world
will know "Bob Sux."
This isn't over, Jimmy.
I'm gonna find that game.
And when I do, I'm gonna wipe
that smirk off your...
Damn it.
Check Family Funtime.
That's where old games
go to die.
(SLOWING DOWN):
Bleep-bloop-bloop-bloop.
That's the sound
of a game dying.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah, there it is.
Burgerboss.
No adults allowed without kids.
Oh, come on, buddy.
Why can't you just
let me play the game?
Hmm, I don't know.
Because I'm an adult and,
oh, guess what, so are you.
Well, I have kids,
sir, all right?
They're just not with me.
So I'm gonna be playing...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna need you
to go ahead and step away.
Well, I just forgot
my keys, so...
(GIBBERING)
I forgot, I'm a cop!
Let me in!
I know that trick, too!
That's my badge right there!
Let me see that badge.
No, I know it's not a badge!
Well, you better believe
I'll be back!
Not without children, you won't!
There he is.
It's nice to have you
here for dinner, Bob.
Sorry, Lin.
Hey, uh, I have to do a thing.
With the kids.
What?
We have a thing?
Yeah.
But I don't have
anything planned
until my birthday next year.
You're taking the kids out?
Yeah. Well, it's,
um, it's a secret.
For you.
Oh!
I love secrets.
Tell me!
Well, this wouldn't be
a secret if I told you.
Does it have anything
to do with jazz?
Mm, maybe.
Oh!
No, no, it's not jazz.
(GASPS)
It's sailing lessons!
You were listening!
What?
Right, yes.
Sailing lessons!
Sailing lessons.
That's...
How did you guess?
Oh!
This is going to be
very good for you children.
You can join the yacht club.
White sweaters around your neck,
the gin and tonics,
shoes without socks,
private fireworks.
Kapow!
When do the classes start?
Um...
Ba-boom!
Tonight, in five minutes.
We got to go.
Come on.
Anyone else think it's odd
our first sailing lesson
is at night?
No!
Probably a lot of class work
before they let you
out on the boat.
All right,
we got to go, come on.
Let's go learn how to tie knots.
Tying knots! Yay!
I'm gonna stow away
in a rope bin
and fight a rat
over a block of cheese.
If we see any mermaids,
I'm gonna ask them
where their mer-ginas are.
We're not taking
sailing classes, you rubes.
Where are you really
taking us, Dad?
All right, here we are.
Whoa. Family Funtime?
Now, if that guy asks,
you're my kids, okay?
We are your kids.
I know, but rub it in his face.
Excuse me, my kids and I
would like to come in.
We were made by this guy.
Yeah.
He had sex, then we happened!
Deal with it!
I was wrong about you.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. GENE: Thanks!
Here.
What is this?
Oh, that's one token.
That's a token.
Okay, and then more.
All right, have fun.
And then more?
Have fun.
We need more!
Can't. Gotta go.
We can't play
any games with one!
Ugh!
We could go around and look
for interesting throw-ups.
There's one.
There's one.
I've got a better idea.
You know what's free?
Loading.
Freeloading.
Let's go crash that kid's party.
Oh.
Oh!
All right, uh,
who needs a piece of cake?
Who wants a piece?
We do!
Cake, please!
Thanks, that kid's mom.
Um, how do you know Kevin again?
Soccer.
Church.
Desert Storm.
Nice move.
Thanks, kid.
Do you mind?
You're kind of crowding me.
Ketchup, top left, in three,
two, one.
Whoa. How'd you know?
Well, I don't want to crowd you.
Are you D-R-L?
It's pronounced "Darryl."
D-Darryl, don't go.
I-I need your help.
Whoa, what's wrong
with your hands?
Polio?
Carpal tunnel.
How old are you?
Old.
Do you have a job or you
live with your mom? Job.
What's your job?
I have a burger restaurant.
Really? Is that so you can
get better at the game?
It's unrelated.
Listen, I need to beat
this high score,
but I can't get past level 29
and that stupid chicken leg.
What the hell does a chicken leg
have to do with
hamburgers, anyway?!
Easy, easy!
Ow. Damn it.
What's your name, anyway?
I'm Bob.
Of "Bob Sux."
Ouch.
Who did that?
A guy. Jimmy Pesto.
I hate him.
I got a bully, too.
His name's Tyler.
Picks on me every day.
Oh, that's cool.
So, will you help me?
Sure, step aside.
No, no, no.
I got to do it myself.
I don't know, man.
Your technique's sloppy
and your stance...
why are you standing way back?
You got to press your wiener
against the game, like this.
See? Yeah.
Okay, all right.
Wow. Oh.
Yeah. Wow.
I'll teach you,
if you beat up Tyler.
How old is Tyler?
He's 12.
Well, uh, we'll see.
Okay.
I can't really
shake, 'cause my...
You want to just
maybe E.T. it?
God, I almost want
to beat you up.
KEVIN: This isn't
a bar mitzvah!
I'm not Jewish! KIDS:
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila... ♪
Ahoy, there, mateys!
So... what
knots did you learn?
Knots Landing?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.
They learned a ton
of knots, right?
Mmm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Uh, absolutely.
TINA: Yeah. A lot. Like what?
- Uh... the fish noose.
- Yeah.
- LINDA: Ohh.
- The walrus's surprise.
The... cake and ice cream.
Ooh!
That one sounds complicated!
When do I get to go
sailing with you guys?
Oh, uh, soon, Lin, soon.
Ooh! I can't wait!
I'm gonna start putting
my hair up in a ponytail.
Why not pigtails, Mom?
Twice as classy.
I'd go with a flat-top...
but, hey, it's your head!
Time to take my awesome pills.
Am I glowing?
I feel like I'm glowing, Darryl.
(ECHOING):
Hi, Bob.
Oh hey, Burgerboss!
(ECHOING):
Lookin' good.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks.
Are you high?
No. You kidding?
A little bit. Yes.
Video games and drugs...
those two things don't mix.
Shut up.
You're not too zonked to
beat up Tyler, are you?
No. Who's Tyler?
Who's Tyler?
Tyler's my bully!
He could show up at any time!
Come on, Bob, focus!
Right, right, right, right.
Let me just take one more pill.
Happy Birthday,
Samantha and Margaret!
Our names are
Jennifer and Kyrsten!
We're always mixing you two up.
Hey, Dad, get in on this pizza!
No pizza!
He's in training.
Hope you get your
lost manhood back, Dad.
Take good care of our father,
strange nerd!
No funny business.
I'm not a nerd!
I'm a video game enthusiast.
('80'S STYLE ROCK SONG BEINGS)
♪ Close to the top! ♪
See that? Now notice this.
♪ Groping for glory, yeah ♪
♪ I know... ♪
Yes.
♪ Sometimes in life ♪
♪ You just got to say
I don't give a damn ♪
♪ Ha-ha! ♪
♪ Groping the night away, yeah ♪
♪ Shoot your arrow in the sky ♪
♪ Tell the gods
you'll never die ♪
♪ You're a real special guy ♪
♪ The towel's there,
but don't throw it in ♪
♪ If you do,
you cannot win ♪
♪ That's how rules work ♪
(SCREAMS)
♪ Crawl up the mountain
on hands and knees ♪
♪ It's stained with
the blood of your enemies ♪
♪ Groping for glory... ♪
I've eaten nine birthday cakes,
and I still feel empty.
I mean, who are these people?
Who are you, who am I?
I'm calling it.
This party is dead.
Okay. Let's go.
There's got to be something
bigger we can crash.
(GENE GROWLS)
Glencrest Yacht Club.
I'd crash that.
I don't know if I can
have any more cake.
What about crab cake?
Hmm, I could make some room.
Hi, I'm here for the orphan
benefit, Tots Without Yachts?
I'm the orphan.
I'm Whit Worthington's
ward, Wayne.
I'm here to change the
light bulb in the lighthouse.
Wait. What?
We're gonna breeze right past
you now. Thank you.
GENE:
Mm-hmm-hmm.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION,
LAUGHTER)
Wow. It must
be yacht prom.
This is the Commodore's Ball.
You know what?
Just give me the tray.
And make some mini pizza bagels.
Thank you.
This is for you.
For your effort.
There are more of these tickets
where that came from.
So keep this guy happy.
Ow! Time to reload.
This goes in here.
And this goes in here.
Oh, my God, oh, my God...
Tyler's here.
This is not a drill.
Tyler?
My bully!
W... Wait... What're you doing?
What're... Don't.
This will make you look tough.
And this will make
you feel tough.
Hey, Darryl, I don't have a lot
of shirts, so don't do that.
Oh. I thought your arms
would look bigger.
Let's put these back on.
Oh, lookie what time it is.
Punch-thirty.
Nice one, Ty.
Say something tough.
Say something like
"punch-thirty,"
then attack them all.
Uh, hey, guys,
listen, all right?
I'm an adult.
And it's, uh, it's
gonna get kind of heavy here.
Hold on, I forgot
the bicep band.
Okay, punch his face!
What the hell, man?
I'm not punching
any faces, okay?
I'm gonna talk to the faces.
What are you doing, Bob?
Kick his ass!
I got it, Darryl.
Look, I know you, right?
You're Tyler.
And you have fun beating up
Darryl, here, all right.
But Darryl, he doesn't like it.
And let's be honest, there's
a race thing going on here.
Darryl, you're something...
right? Black?
That is not the issue.
I beat him up
'cause he's a nerd.
All right, I got an idea.
Hold on, I'm just
gonna take a pill.
Mmm.
Darryl, I want you to smile.
No.
That's good.
And Tyler, I want you
to also smile.
- No way.
- (WHISPERS): I'm so high.
Okay, now, guys, just touch...
touch your smiles
together, okay?
This is going really well.
So now that we got that...
(SNORING)
Bob? Bob?
Bob?!
Your bodyguard's asleep, wuss.
(GRUNTS)
Ow!
That's for standing
up for yourself.
(GASPS)
Chicken leg!
Aah! What're you doing?
Yeah, Bob!
Unleash the beast!
No mercy!
Ah! Relish hole!
Run! This guy's crazy!
Fantastic. Not my problem.
Thanks for coming
to Family Funtime.
Drive safe.
(HUMMING)
BOB:
Chicken leg!
(THUD)
Ow! I fell down.
Help! There's a
crazy man chasing me!
Yes! Tomato slice!
Take that!
(SCREAMS, CAR ALARM WHOOPS)
What do you think those are for?
You get one for
every octopus you kill.
I'm taking one.
Can I have that?
I wish I'd met you sooner.
I wonder what you looked
like 15 minutes ago.
Dad! Some hairy guy's
trying to kill me!
Burgerboss is gonna get you!
Oof!
Hi, Dad.
Bacon-wrapped scallop?
Sure.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Hi. Is this Mrs. Belcher?
Yeah.
SECURITY GUARD: I'm calling from
Glencrest Yacht Club.
Ooh!
We need you to come
down here right away.
(GASPS)
Okay!
(HUMMING HAPPILY)
Moisten the mizzenmast!
What?
You know what I mean!
That thing.
(KIDS GRUNTING)
The mizzenmast!
All right!
(LINDA HUMS HAPPILY)
♪ Three-hour tour... ♪
You must be Linda Belcher.
Yeah! How'd you know?
Your family's in
the trophy room.
Follow me, please.
Trophy room!
(SLURPING)
(QUIETLY):
The mayor is here.
Hi, Mayor!
(SIGHS)
I'm glad you made it here
so quickly, Mrs. Belcher.
We need your help with...
this.
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
Get away from me!
What the hell's going on here?
It's the Commodore's Balls.
Your husband just
barged in here.
We caught your children stealing
food and regatta pennants.
And oyster forks.
(GRUNTING)
Princess Mayonnaise!
We'll go back to back!
Let's fight our way out!
All right, someone better tell
me what the hell's going on!
Is this sailing class?
Uh...
Dad was using us to
get into Family Funtime
so he could get
better at Burgerboss.
Now he's in a k-hole.
He tried to make me
kiss another kid!
You deserve it!
Who are you people?
Who the hell are you?
I'm Tyler's father!
And the president of this club.
Ooh!
Oh.
Why didn't you tell me
this was going on?
We were kind of busy,
partying our nuts off.
Yeah, we were at Family Funtime.
Partying our butts off.
I said "nuts"!
You know, I'm so disappointed.
This whole time, I thought you
were taking sailing lessons.
(CROWD LAUGHS, SCOFFS)
Oh, shove it. Judge me.
JIMMY:
Ah, hello, Linda.
You're a member here, Jimmy?
Soon. Top of the wait list.
I forget, uh, you guys members?
(LAUGHS)
All of this is because you
went and wrote "Bob Sux"
on a video game.
You.
Aw, you're right, Lin.
Let me see if I can
help out, huh?
Bob sucks!
(YELLING)
(LAUGHS)
Jimmy, you're just as pathetic
as Bob with your peeing races.
"Peeing races"?
What are "peeing races"?
That's not going to go over well
with the membership committee.
Sounds like a sex thing.
It does.
But... (STAMMERING)
Aw, come on, guys!
Come here, you!
We're leaving,
you pill-popping liar.
Ow. Ow.
Come on!
Ow.
Your mini pizza bagel, sir.
I don't even want it anymore.
Hold on. Yes, I do.
Lin, I'm really sorry
I lied to you.
And did drugs.
And used your children.
Use it or lose it, right, Dad?
You know what, Bobby?
At the end of the day,
it's for the best.
Can you imagine being on
a boat with those people?
Yeah. I mean, if we were gonna
have to be banned for life
from some place,
I'm glad it's there.
Yeah, the caviar was too salty.
Well, technically,
caviar is salty, Gene.
Yeah, but I think they
salted it on top of that.
They're idiots.
(DOOR BELLS JINGLE)
Oh, hey, Darryl.
Hey, Bob.
So you're the video game coach?
And you must be Bob's wife.
She does have big boobies.
(CHUCKLES)
What?!
Yeah, okay.
(LAUGHS)
I might have said that
when I was high.
Well, I came by to thank you.
'Cause of you, I'm not gonna
let Tyler bother me anymore.
- Really?!
- I decided I don't want to be like you,
a 60-year-old man,
still battling his bully.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay.
Uh, I'm not 60, by the way.
But, uh, I'm glad I could help.
And you know something,
I'm all right
with Burgerboss having
"Bob Sux" on the leader board.
Aw, I'm proud of you, Bobby.
Yeah.
Mm. Come here.
(QUIETLY): Hey, you're gonna knock
"Bob Sux" off the leader board, right?
I'm on it.
Good.
Just change it
to "Fat Bob."
"Dumb Bob" works too.
Or "Hi, Bob!"
That's the song I want to lose it to.
Mm-mm-mm!
This is exciting, right?
A video game, right
here in our restaurant.
Yeah, I used to be pretty good
at this game, too.
By which, I mean best
in the entire school.
Wow.
Yeah.
We would not have been friends.
I think we would have, Louise.
I was very cool.
I'd be your friend.
I don't care
if nobody likes you.
It's him or us, Tina!
Uh, I don't know.
Don't make me choose.
Yeah, I think this could
bring in some real business.
Maybe enough that we can
finally get that new vent hood.
Oh, or we could get
sailing lessons.
Or we could buy gift cards.
They're as good as cash.
No.
We could buy an island.
No.
And then a smaller island
nearby, for farting.
Did somebody say
sailing lessons?
That's a great idea!
You said that.
Oh.
Okay, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, all right?
Fart island.
Sailing lessons.
God.
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
Look out!
Ketchup bottle.
Agh!
GENE, LOUISE AND TINA:
Ooh!
I know, I know,
the ketchup's a killer.
But I got on the board.
80,000 points!
B-O-B... one.
"BOB1."
Hey, Burgerboss!
You play?
Ah, a little.
Well, why don't you try
beating my score?
Okay.
Go ahead.
All right.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, you like
how these fingers feel, hmm?
Yeah, you do, don't you?
Huh?
Yeah, I bet you never had
someone this good.
Aw, you make me
feel like a king.
Jimmy, my kids are right here.
Ooh!
Please stop,
we're just leasing it.
JIMMY:
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Oh, your corners are so smooth.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, something to hold on to;
I like that.
(SIGHS)
You got over 300,000 points!
Ah!
Dad, what was your score again?
Never mind, Louise.
What was it though?
Mm-mm.
See you, Bob.
Call me next time
you find something
that you think you're good at.
Oh, hey, almost forgot.
Mm-mm-mm-mm. Huh.
(GASPING)
BOB:
Oh, ha-ha.
"Bob Sux."
That's, uh,
that's really funny, Jimmy.
(LAUGHS)
Then, you know,
when I beat your high score,
I'm gonna write,
"Jimmy Pesto is an idiot
"and he doesn't know
how to spell 'sucks.'
And he's dumb!"
Dad, he's gone.
I saw.
Okay, enough is enough.
He's not gonna taunt me
on my own turf, Lin.
Okay, you know,
I'll just unplug it.
Maybe that'll erase
the high scores, right?
Yeah.
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah, that didn't work.
You know what? I'll take
care of this myself.
All right, well, hurry up.
It's the kids' night
to do the dishes,
so we're gonna have to
do them all over again
before we go to bed.
I'll be right up.
This won't take long.
Just got to...
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
shake off the rust.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
Come on.
LINDA: Bobby?
Uh-huh?
Could you take a break from that
and help me with the grill?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One second.
No, this second, Bobby!
You played that thing all night.
Are you kidding me
with that pickle?!
(GRUNTING)
I saw that!
Oh, Bobby, is this turning into
another one of
your peeing races with Jimmy?
It's not called a
peeing race, Lin.
It's called a pissing contest.
Well, you know
how these things turn out.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
Mm.
Eh?
(GRUNTS)
How about this?!
Nuh-uh!
Hmm.
I'm telling you, Bobby,
you should learn
to just ignore Pesto.
Hey, kid, back off.
I feel your breath on my hip.
I did it, Lin!
Kids, come look!
Did you beat Jimmy?
What? No.
I broke 100,000.
Fantastic!
(WHISPERS):
Was it obvious I don't care?
Just smile and nod.
Well, I'm on my way is my point.
LINDA:
What?
Again?
I can't stop now, Lin.
Not until I can erase "Bob Sux."
What's wrong with your hand?
Nothing.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Redrum. Redrum.
Uh-oh, Bob.
You better go easy.
You could have
the carpal tunnels.
It's just a cramp.
I must be dehydrated.
(GRUNTING)
Ew.
This can't happen now.
Maybe I should see a doctor.
Good.
Otherwise, I might
have to stop playing.
Ugh!
GENE:
Please tell me they shoot webs.
Are we finally getting a falcon?
I think they're flattering.
Like wrist corsets.
The doctor said
with these splints
and these pain pills,
I should be good to go.
Oh, he didn't tell you
to lay off the game? No!
I can tell
when you're lying, Bob!
Whenever you lie,
your eyes get crossed a little.
The doctor said
the last thing...
Look, they're crossing.
I'll just shut
them. Ready?
Okay.
He said the last thing
you want to do
is stop playing.
You're so full of it.
What's gonna happen
if you can't use your hands?
Yeah, how are we gonna do our
hitchhiking across America trip?
Who's gonna play
harp at my wedding?
And how will we become a famous
father-son close-up magic team?!
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Lin?
Oops. Overslept.
Well, might as well take two.
Morning, babe.
Sorry I got to bed
so late last night.
W-Where's the game?!
The game is gone!
Bob, calm down.
I got rid of the game.
What?! Why?!
Look at, look at me.
It's an intervention.
You have a problem.
Yeah, yeah!
I do, Lin!
"Bob Sux" is on the game!
And I need to get it off!
I'm gonna track down that game,
and I'm gonna knock "Bob
Sux" off the board!
Okay, Bobby, okay.
I'm not leaving any
stone unturned, Lin!
They're all gonna be turned!
All the stones!
Okay. Look at me.
Look at me. Happy times.
I'm furious!
I had the video game company
take your game away
because I love you.
Mm-mm.
It's like the time you took away
the credit card from me
when I was ordering
all those porcelain babies.
♪ If you're not real ♪
♪ Then how come
I feel this way? ♪
♪ Little babies. ♪
Come here.
(KISSING)
Come here.
Aw, little baby.
(KISSING)
Linda, listen very carefully.
What?
Where did they take the game?
Miles away by now, Bobby.
Just forget about it.
Where?!
Where did they take it?!
You're spitting on me.
Wait!
Wait! Stop the truck!
That's my game!
Genie's out of the bottle now.
The whole world
will know "Bob Sux."
This isn't over, Jimmy.
I'm gonna find that game.
And when I do, I'm gonna wipe
that smirk off your...
Damn it.
Check Family Funtime.
That's where old games
go to die.
(SLOWING DOWN):
Bleep-bloop-bloop-bloop.
That's the sound
of a game dying.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah, there it is.
Burgerboss.
No adults allowed without kids.
Oh, come on, buddy.
Why can't you just
let me play the game?
Hmm, I don't know.
Because I'm an adult and,
oh, guess what, so are you.
Well, I have kids,
sir, all right?
They're just not with me.
So I'm gonna be playing...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna need you
to go ahead and step away.
Well, I just forgot
my keys, so...
(GIBBERING)
I forgot, I'm a cop!
Let me in!
I know that trick, too!
That's my badge right there!
Let me see that badge.
No, I know it's not a badge!
Well, you better believe
I'll be back!
Not without children, you won't!
There he is.
It's nice to have you
here for dinner, Bob.
Sorry, Lin.
Hey, uh, I have to do a thing.
With the kids.
What?
We have a thing?
Yeah.
But I don't have
anything planned
until my birthday next year.
You're taking the kids out?
Yeah. Well, it's,
um, it's a secret.
For you.
Oh!
I love secrets.
Tell me!
Well, this wouldn't be
a secret if I told you.
Does it have anything
to do with jazz?
Mm, maybe.
Oh!
No, no, it's not jazz.
(GASPS)
It's sailing lessons!
You were listening!
What?
Right, yes.
Sailing lessons!
Sailing lessons.
That's...
How did you guess?
Oh!
This is going to be
very good for you children.
You can join the yacht club.
White sweaters around your neck,
the gin and tonics,
shoes without socks,
private fireworks.
Kapow!
When do the classes start?
Um...
Ba-boom!
Tonight, in five minutes.
We got to go.
Come on.
Anyone else think it's odd
our first sailing lesson
is at night?
No!
Probably a lot of class work
before they let you
out on the boat.
All right,
we got to go, come on.
Let's go learn how to tie knots.
Tying knots! Yay!
I'm gonna stow away
in a rope bin
and fight a rat
over a block of cheese.
If we see any mermaids,
I'm gonna ask them
where their mer-ginas are.
We're not taking
sailing classes, you rubes.
Where are you really
taking us, Dad?
All right, here we are.
Whoa. Family Funtime?
Now, if that guy asks,
you're my kids, okay?
We are your kids.
I know, but rub it in his face.
Excuse me, my kids and I
would like to come in.
We were made by this guy.
Yeah.
He had sex, then we happened!
Deal with it!
I was wrong about you.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. GENE: Thanks!
Here.
What is this?
Oh, that's one token.
That's a token.
Okay, and then more.
All right, have fun.
And then more?
Have fun.
We need more!
Can't. Gotta go.
We can't play
any games with one!
Ugh!
We could go around and look
for interesting throw-ups.
There's one.
There's one.
I've got a better idea.
You know what's free?
Loading.
Freeloading.
Let's go crash that kid's party.
Oh.
Oh!
All right, uh,
who needs a piece of cake?
Who wants a piece?
We do!
Cake, please!
Thanks, that kid's mom.
Um, how do you know Kevin again?
Soccer.
Church.
Desert Storm.
Nice move.
Thanks, kid.
Do you mind?
You're kind of crowding me.
Ketchup, top left, in three,
two, one.
Whoa. How'd you know?
Well, I don't want to crowd you.
Are you D-R-L?
It's pronounced "Darryl."
D-Darryl, don't go.
I-I need your help.
Whoa, what's wrong
with your hands?
Polio?
Carpal tunnel.
How old are you?
Old.
Do you have a job or you
live with your mom? Job.
What's your job?
I have a burger restaurant.
Really? Is that so you can
get better at the game?
It's unrelated.
Listen, I need to beat
this high score,
but I can't get past level 29
and that stupid chicken leg.
What the hell does a chicken leg
have to do with
hamburgers, anyway?!
Easy, easy!
Ow. Damn it.
What's your name, anyway?
I'm Bob.
Of "Bob Sux."
Ouch.
Who did that?
A guy. Jimmy Pesto.
I hate him.
I got a bully, too.
His name's Tyler.
Picks on me every day.
Oh, that's cool.
So, will you help me?
Sure, step aside.
No, no, no.
I got to do it myself.
I don't know, man.
Your technique's sloppy
and your stance...
why are you standing way back?
You got to press your wiener
against the game, like this.
See? Yeah.
Okay, all right.
Wow. Oh.
Yeah. Wow.
I'll teach you,
if you beat up Tyler.
How old is Tyler?
He's 12.
Well, uh, we'll see.
Okay.
I can't really
shake, 'cause my...
You want to just
maybe E.T. it?
God, I almost want
to beat you up.
KEVIN: This isn't
a bar mitzvah!
I'm not Jewish! KIDS:
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila... ♪
Ahoy, there, mateys!
So... what
knots did you learn?
Knots Landing?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.
They learned a ton
of knots, right?
Mmm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Uh, absolutely.
TINA: Yeah. A lot. Like what?
- Uh... the fish noose.
- Yeah.
- LINDA: Ohh.
- The walrus's surprise.
The... cake and ice cream.
Ooh!
That one sounds complicated!
When do I get to go
sailing with you guys?
Oh, uh, soon, Lin, soon.
Ooh! I can't wait!
I'm gonna start putting
my hair up in a ponytail.
Why not pigtails, Mom?
Twice as classy.
I'd go with a flat-top...
but, hey, it's your head!
Time to take my awesome pills.
Am I glowing?
I feel like I'm glowing, Darryl.
(ECHOING):
Hi, Bob.
Oh hey, Burgerboss!
(ECHOING):
Lookin' good.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks.
Are you high?
No. You kidding?
A little bit. Yes.
Video games and drugs...
those two things don't mix.
Shut up.
You're not too zonked to
beat up Tyler, are you?
No. Who's Tyler?
Who's Tyler?
Tyler's my bully!
He could show up at any time!
Come on, Bob, focus!
Right, right, right, right.
Let me just take one more pill.
Happy Birthday,
Samantha and Margaret!
Our names are
Jennifer and Kyrsten!
We're always mixing you two up.
Hey, Dad, get in on this pizza!
No pizza!
He's in training.
Hope you get your
lost manhood back, Dad.
Take good care of our father,
strange nerd!
No funny business.
I'm not a nerd!
I'm a video game enthusiast.
('80'S STYLE ROCK SONG BEINGS)
♪ Close to the top! ♪
See that? Now notice this.
♪ Groping for glory, yeah ♪
♪ I know... ♪
Yes.
♪ Sometimes in life ♪
♪ You just got to say
I don't give a damn ♪
♪ Ha-ha! ♪
♪ Groping the night away, yeah ♪
♪ Shoot your arrow in the sky ♪
♪ Tell the gods
you'll never die ♪
♪ You're a real special guy ♪
♪ The towel's there,
but don't throw it in ♪
♪ If you do,
you cannot win ♪
♪ That's how rules work ♪
(SCREAMS)
♪ Crawl up the mountain
on hands and knees ♪
♪ It's stained with
the blood of your enemies ♪
♪ Groping for glory... ♪
I've eaten nine birthday cakes,
and I still feel empty.
I mean, who are these people?
Who are you, who am I?
I'm calling it.
This party is dead.
Okay. Let's go.
There's got to be something
bigger we can crash.
(GENE GROWLS)
Glencrest Yacht Club.
I'd crash that.
I don't know if I can
have any more cake.
What about crab cake?
Hmm, I could make some room.
Hi, I'm here for the orphan
benefit, Tots Without Yachts?
I'm the orphan.
I'm Whit Worthington's
ward, Wayne.
I'm here to change the
light bulb in the lighthouse.
Wait. What?
We're gonna breeze right past
you now. Thank you.
GENE:
Mm-hmm-hmm.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION,
LAUGHTER)
Wow. It must
be yacht prom.
This is the Commodore's Ball.
You know what?
Just give me the tray.
And make some mini pizza bagels.
Thank you.
This is for you.
For your effort.
There are more of these tickets
where that came from.
So keep this guy happy.
Ow! Time to reload.
This goes in here.
And this goes in here.
Oh, my God, oh, my God...
Tyler's here.
This is not a drill.
Tyler?
My bully!
W... Wait... What're you doing?
What're... Don't.
This will make you look tough.
And this will make
you feel tough.
Hey, Darryl, I don't have a lot
of shirts, so don't do that.
Oh. I thought your arms
would look bigger.
Let's put these back on.
Oh, lookie what time it is.
Punch-thirty.
Nice one, Ty.
Say something tough.
Say something like
"punch-thirty,"
then attack them all.
Uh, hey, guys,
listen, all right?
I'm an adult.
And it's, uh, it's
gonna get kind of heavy here.
Hold on, I forgot
the bicep band.
Okay, punch his face!
What the hell, man?
I'm not punching
any faces, okay?
I'm gonna talk to the faces.
What are you doing, Bob?
Kick his ass!
I got it, Darryl.
Look, I know you, right?
You're Tyler.
And you have fun beating up
Darryl, here, all right.
But Darryl, he doesn't like it.
And let's be honest, there's
a race thing going on here.
Darryl, you're something...
right? Black?
That is not the issue.
I beat him up
'cause he's a nerd.
All right, I got an idea.
Hold on, I'm just
gonna take a pill.
Mmm.
Darryl, I want you to smile.
No.
That's good.
And Tyler, I want you
to also smile.
- No way.
- (WHISPERS): I'm so high.
Okay, now, guys, just touch...
touch your smiles
together, okay?
This is going really well.
So now that we got that...
(SNORING)
Bob? Bob?
Bob?!
Your bodyguard's asleep, wuss.
(GRUNTS)
Ow!
That's for standing
up for yourself.
(GASPS)
Chicken leg!
Aah! What're you doing?
Yeah, Bob!
Unleash the beast!
No mercy!
Ah! Relish hole!
Run! This guy's crazy!
Fantastic. Not my problem.
Thanks for coming
to Family Funtime.
Drive safe.
(HUMMING)
BOB:
Chicken leg!
(THUD)
Ow! I fell down.
Help! There's a
crazy man chasing me!
Yes! Tomato slice!
Take that!
(SCREAMS, CAR ALARM WHOOPS)
What do you think those are for?
You get one for
every octopus you kill.
I'm taking one.
Can I have that?
I wish I'd met you sooner.
I wonder what you looked
like 15 minutes ago.
Dad! Some hairy guy's
trying to kill me!
Burgerboss is gonna get you!
Oof!
Hi, Dad.
Bacon-wrapped scallop?
Sure.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Hi. Is this Mrs. Belcher?
Yeah.
SECURITY GUARD: I'm calling from
Glencrest Yacht Club.
Ooh!
We need you to come
down here right away.
(GASPS)
Okay!
(HUMMING HAPPILY)
Moisten the mizzenmast!
What?
You know what I mean!
That thing.
(KIDS GRUNTING)
The mizzenmast!
All right!
(LINDA HUMS HAPPILY)
♪ Three-hour tour... ♪
You must be Linda Belcher.
Yeah! How'd you know?
Your family's in
the trophy room.
Follow me, please.
Trophy room!
(SLURPING)
(QUIETLY):
The mayor is here.
Hi, Mayor!
(SIGHS)
I'm glad you made it here
so quickly, Mrs. Belcher.
We need your help with...
this.
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
Get away from me!
What the hell's going on here?
It's the Commodore's Balls.
Your husband just
barged in here.
We caught your children stealing
food and regatta pennants.
And oyster forks.
(GRUNTING)
Princess Mayonnaise!
We'll go back to back!
Let's fight our way out!
All right, someone better tell
me what the hell's going on!
Is this sailing class?
Uh...
Dad was using us to
get into Family Funtime
so he could get
better at Burgerboss.
Now he's in a k-hole.
He tried to make me
kiss another kid!
You deserve it!
Who are you people?
Who the hell are you?
I'm Tyler's father!
And the president of this club.
Ooh!
Oh.
Why didn't you tell me
this was going on?
We were kind of busy,
partying our nuts off.
Yeah, we were at Family Funtime.
Partying our butts off.
I said "nuts"!
You know, I'm so disappointed.
This whole time, I thought you
were taking sailing lessons.
(CROWD LAUGHS, SCOFFS)
Oh, shove it. Judge me.
JIMMY:
Ah, hello, Linda.
You're a member here, Jimmy?
Soon. Top of the wait list.
I forget, uh, you guys members?
(LAUGHS)
All of this is because you
went and wrote "Bob Sux"
on a video game.
You.
Aw, you're right, Lin.
Let me see if I can
help out, huh?
Bob sucks!
(YELLING)
(LAUGHS)
Jimmy, you're just as pathetic
as Bob with your peeing races.
"Peeing races"?
What are "peeing races"?
That's not going to go over well
with the membership committee.
Sounds like a sex thing.
It does.
But... (STAMMERING)
Aw, come on, guys!
Come here, you!
We're leaving,
you pill-popping liar.
Ow. Ow.
Come on!
Ow.
Your mini pizza bagel, sir.
I don't even want it anymore.
Hold on. Yes, I do.
Lin, I'm really sorry
I lied to you.
And did drugs.
And used your children.
Use it or lose it, right, Dad?
You know what, Bobby?
At the end of the day,
it's for the best.
Can you imagine being on
a boat with those people?
Yeah. I mean, if we were gonna
have to be banned for life
from some place,
I'm glad it's there.
Yeah, the caviar was too salty.
Well, technically,
caviar is salty, Gene.
Yeah, but I think they
salted it on top of that.
They're idiots.
(DOOR BELLS JINGLE)
Oh, hey, Darryl.
Hey, Bob.
So you're the video game coach?
And you must be Bob's wife.
She does have big boobies.
(CHUCKLES)
What?!
Yeah, okay.
(LAUGHS)
I might have said that
when I was high.
Well, I came by to thank you.
'Cause of you, I'm not gonna
let Tyler bother me anymore.
- Really?!
- I decided I don't want to be like you,
a 60-year-old man,
still battling his bully.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay.
Uh, I'm not 60, by the way.
But, uh, I'm glad I could help.
And you know something,
I'm all right
with Burgerboss having
"Bob Sux" on the leader board.
Aw, I'm proud of you, Bobby.
Yeah.
Mm. Come here.
(QUIETLY): Hey, you're gonna knock
"Bob Sux" off the leader board, right?
I'm on it.
Good.
Just change it
to "Fat Bob."
"Dumb Bob" works too.
Or "Hi, Bob!"