Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Synchronized Swimming - full transcript

Feel your uterus curl into
a smile as you stretch deeper

into Crowning Otter.

Ugh, Crowning Otter...
it's so graphic.

Lin, why do you do
this prenatal yoga?

You're... I mean,
you're not pregnant.

Your youngest child is nine.

I like it.

It keeps my pelvic
floor perky. Ah!

- Ugh.
- Ugh.

Hey, Mom, when you're done
polishing your pelvic floor,

can you check
my math homework for me?



There's nothing on here

but a drawing of a robot.

Who's better at math
than a robot?

They're made of math.

Oh, Mom, did you have a chance

to finish reading
Buddy's Rainbow?

- I did.
- The ending was so sad.

Ah, this...
remind me how it ends.

Buddy dies, poor doggie.

Write it down.
Write it down.

At least he saw the rainbow.

Oh, he did?
Yeah.

Louise, did you read
any of the book yourself?

I could read it, but I retain it
better when Mom tells it to me.



Lin, we've talked
about this a thousand times.

You can't keep doing
the kids' homework for them.

I'm not.
I'm helping them.

What about you, Tina?

Is your mother helping you
do your homework?

No.
See?

But Mom's been logging
her dreams

in my dream journal
for English class.

Great, you're dreaming for her.

Oh, last night, I dreamt

I was breast-feeding Gene again,

and he had a long white
beard like Santa Claus.

Oh, it was freaky.

That could be
our next Christmas card.

No.
Please.

No.

Well, Teddy, I finally did it.

I got a soft serve machine.

I knew you could do it, Bob.

You just need to
believe in yourself.

Yeah, and summer's coming.

This thing is going
to be a gold mine.

- Bobby, where'd you go?
- Huh?

Stop daydreaming.

- Let's have some of that ice cream.
- Okay, here we go.

First bowl of a new era.

- Oh, ugh, nasty.
- Give it here, give it here, give it here.

Don't throw it out.
No, no, I wouldn't eat that.

Just give it to me.
It's not ready yet.

Give it to me.

Ho-oh-oh.

Wow, that is something there.

As your first customer,
I can tell you,

you don't change
a thing, you know.

Teddy, you'll eat anything.

What? I won't eat anything.
I'm pretty discerning.

- Eat this.
- What was that?

Don't feed a guy
a sponge, Bobby.

Don't feed a guy a sponge.

You put it in your mouth, Teddy.

Louise, guess which one
of us ate cat food.

Ugh, both of you.

We brought it from home.

See you in P.E. class.

I'm sick of P.E.

- So am I.
- Me, too.

I hate the whole shirts
and skins thing.

I'm not open! I'm not open!

I hate Ms. Schroeder's
dumb rules.

I told you, Louise,
no hats in P.E.

And I told you, I have a raging
staph infection under here.

Touch this hat
and we all go down.

You want to play dodgeball
in the hospital?

I hate how I always get hit
in the head with the ball.

Ow.
Ow.

Ow. Ow.

I don't want to go
to P.E. anymore.

Me, neither.

Let's swing by Mr.
Frond's office.

He's highly suggestible.

You guys,
when I'm in P.E. class,

I feel like I'm not living up

to society's warped image
of fitness.

I feel like a loser.

I feel like I'm not being valued
as a woman.

Me, neither.

I need guidance and counselings.

I'm a guidance counsellor.

Come in.

So you're feeling a little
P.O.'d about P.E., huh?

But physical education
is a state requirement.

I can't just let you out of it.

But, what if, I don't know,
instead of class,

we did an independent...

study in something

sort of physical,
something, like,

I don't know,
that the school doesn't offer.

Independent study...
I like the sound of that.

Sounds like something
I'd come up with.

- You just did. Yeah.
- You did.

- Nailed it.
- Uh, I guess I did.

The superintendent
is going to love this idea.

So, what would you do for
your independent study?

Uh, swimming?

Synchronised swimming.
No, she doesn't mean

- what she says ever.
- Or just regular swimming and splashing.

I love synchronised swimming.

- Who doesn't, huh?
- Yeah. I mean, okay, yeah.

Great.
All right, so, uh...

you'll need an adult
to supervise you.

We know an adult.

We definitely know an adult.

Have 'em sign this.

Linda Belcher...
fancy on the "B"...

definitely signed this form.

Tina, synchronised swimming?

That is the most random sport
in the world.

How'd you even come up
with that?

Mom loves synchronised swimming.

Don't you remember
during the last Olympics?

She made us do
everything synchronised.

And brush and brush
and brush and spit.

Good.

We just got out of P.E. for the
rest of the year, my friends.

Yeah, who needs it?

Phew.

Here, let me try.

Huh. I need to exercise.

First, you fill
the base of the cone.

Boring.

Just let me do
the demonstration, all right?

So the ice cream goes on
the inside of the cone always?

It goes... yes.

It's like an edible bowl.

We get it. Move on.

Wait, if that's ice cream,
why is it soft?

Oh, my God.
I have a question.

Why are you telling us this?

Because I'm going
to need your help.

You guys are going
to be running this thing.

Oh.

I now pronounce you
Team Soft Serve.

I made a soft serve this
morning, so I should be captain.

Kids, time for school.

Here, I washed your gym clothes.

We don't need gym
clothes anymore.

Tina, of course we do.

What, are we going
to run laps naked?

Oh, and Gene, here's
your Navajo warrior mask

for your history class.
Wow, Mom, great job.

It smells like you.

I've been wearing it
all morning. I love it.

Thanks, Mom.
I hope we get a good grade.

Hmm, uh-uh-uh.

Don't you make noises at me,
you judge-a-roo.

Go play your judge-eridoo.

Uh-uh.

Ah-ah!

Suckers.

Louise, why aren't you
in P.E.?

Do you guys have lice?
I do. I do.

For your information,
we don't do P.E. anymore.

We do independent study,
thank you.

Yeah, we're off the grid.

So long, balls.

- Heads up!
- Ow.

Ow.

♪ Headin' out of P.E. ♪

♪ Gives us time
to play on the street ♪

♪ First we lied to Mr. Frond ♪

♪ Now we're in a nail salon... ♪

♪ On. ♪

Mr. Frond,
pretty yarn.

Do you knit?

You tell me.

What up, my knitta?

So, let's talk
synchronised swimming.

Oh, yeah, I'm
always up for that.

Big commitment.

I bet.

I still have
the '96 Olympics on VHS.

The Miracle on Melted Ice.

Ooh, I have Dynasty on VHS.

Well, I can't wait to see
the routine you choreograph

for the kids
in independent study.

Independent what?...?!

Those little sneaks.

I can't believe they lied
to Mr. Frond like that.

Ah, here you go, sir.

And they used me in their lie.
What do you expect?

You coddle them too much.

Well, I'm not going
to coddle them this time.

I'm going to get real tough.

What a day at school.

I feel so physically educated.

Hello, kids.

I had a very interesting
encounter with Mr. Frond today.

You did?
Yeah, he's an interesting guy.

Yeah, he is
very interesting, Tina.

He's so interesting

that he told me
about your independent study.

Uh... I got to go.

I have forgot
everything outside.

Sit down.
I got big, big news for you.

You're not going to get
away with it, either.

Dad, do you want some help
with the soft serve?

Get over here. Look at this face
and remember it

because it's the face of your
new synchronised swimming coach.

What? Lin.

Huh...?

I guess we actually have to do
synchronised swimming now.

Tina, this is the woman
who chewed your food

for you when you had
your tonsils out.

We're not going to
have to lift a finger.

Okay, you two,
lift your fingers.

Synchronised swimming
starts at your fingertips

and ends with your tippy toes.

I like it!

It holds things in, in
all the right places.

Why is Gene wearing
a girl's suit?

'Cause, otherwise,
we wouldn't look synchronised.

All right, everyone
in the pool. Come on.

Whistles are
for lifeguards only.

- Sorry.
- Thank you.

Mom... I mean, uh, Coach,

before we dive in, maybe we
could watch you do a few moves.

We're visual learners,
right, guys?

Yeah, like Jennifer Beals
in Flashdance.

She had to watch a lot
of welding before she got good.

I love Flashdance.

Okay, I see your point.

This is called
the eggbeater kick.

Nang-nang-nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang-nang-nang-nang...

Looking good, Mom!

I'm learning a lot from looking!

See, not so bad.

I could get used to this.

Hi.
Hello.

How are you?
I'm fine.

How are you?

I'm good...
not drowning.

That could change.

Please don't lean on the...

Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.

Be right with you.

Here's your ice cream, Teddy.

Bob, this is too cold.

Can you just put it
in the microwave for me?

I can't do that
right now, Teddy.

It's too cold.
I can't eat it.

Just eat it as is!
I can't eat this.

- Oh, my God.
- Just warm it up for me.

Teddy, you're killing me.
Come on, take a second.

- Give me the ice cream. Give it to me.
- Don't put it on too long, now.

Excuse me. Can I get
a sample of the chocolate?

Why do you need a sample?
You don't need a sample.

But how will I know
what it tastes like?

It's chocolate...
it tastes like chocolate tastes.

Is it nonfat?
Um, no.

What percentage of fat is it?
I don't know.

Is it two percent?
I don't know.

You should get it melted.

Can we get a sample
of the melted?

You won't be sorry.
Teddy.

What?
Stop.

Uh, Bob...

I think my medium rare burger

is turning into a
well done situation.

- Oh, crap.
- Bobby, take it out of the microwave.

- Bobby, take it out of the microwave.
- I'm cooking now, Teddy.

Bobby, take the ice cream out
of the microwave.

We're back.

Lin, you can't keep
the kids this late.

I need you guys to be here.

Here, Teddy, there's your
bowl of melted ice cream.

Oh, the bowl is hot.

I can't do burgers
and ice cream by myself.

Dad's freaking out.
I'm not freaking out!

- Totally freaking out.
- Shut up!

Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm gonna go change.

Me, too.
I'm not.

How was swim practice, Lin?

Good... the kids will be ready

to get in the water any day now.

They haven't gotten
in the water yet?

They're visual learners, Bob.

It's a scam, Linda.

They're not playing a sport.

They're playing you again.

Look, soft serve.
Oh, God.

All right, here's a sample.

I want vanilla.
Do you have strawberry?

Swirl it.
Swirl it.

Look, we don't do swirls
or sprinkles or strawberry.

- Swirl it.
- This is not low fat!

Oh, my God. Just spit it out.
Spit it. Spit it.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.
All right.

All the teenagers leave!
Little Leaguers, too!

I ate some of that sponge.

- I want a sponge.
- Out!

Gene, boogers.

That is good stuff. Uncut.

Kids, down here!

Time to work on scissor kicks.

Today, we're going to actually
do them in the water.

Gene just ate, Mom.

We could get a cramp.

What are you guys doing here?

Mr. Frond made us
independent study kids, too.

Whee!

We could use more people
for a pyramid lift.

Or we could make a circle.

Concentric circles.

Ooh.

Hey, Linda,
I like the choreography.

You're a great coach...
a beautiful, sensual coach.

Thank you, Tom Selleck.

Kids, stop!
Stop! Stop!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Marco.

Wahlberg.

No whistles.
You know that.

I know the whistle rule!

Fine. Please don't
lean on the chair.

What's wrong with you kids?

Don't you care about
your independent study?

- No.
- Louise said this class was a joke.

Yeah. Say something funny.

Louise, Tina, Gene,
get over here now.

Ah... good one.

Cannonball!

That is it!

Your father was right.

You're just taking
advantage of me.

You and Dad were talking about
us behind our backs? Not cool!

If you don't care
about your P.E. requirement,

then I don't, either.

I quit!

Looks like somebody's ready
to coach independent drama.

Where are you guys going?

The pool's that way.

Screw the pool.

Without our mom around,
we make the rules again.

Oh! Am I glad I
caught you guys.

I have very exciting news.

I pulled some strings,

left several
persuasive voice mails.

The superintendent
is bringing the school board

to the pool this afternoon
to watch you synchronised-swim.

What?!
But our mom quit. Ow.

They even suggested doing
a graded performance.

We're going to set up
a judges' table.

It'll be like the Olympics.

Mr. Frond... ha!
We should not do this.

The whole point
of independent study

was so that we
wouldn't feel judged.

You're judged from
the day you're born

till the day you die.

The school board
wants to see you

do scissor kicks
and perfect lifts.

Otherwise, you're all
going to summer school.

Summer school?

What am I going to wear?

I'm glad you finally quit
helping the kids, Lin.

- It was the right thing to do.
- You were right, Bob.

I needed to let
my baby birds fly...

my bratty little baby birds fly

- with their crappy little wings.
- That was...

Sometimes you just got to
push 'em out the window.

- Yeah.
- You just got to push 'em right out there.

And if they fall flat,
then that's them.

Well, you know what,
it's nice to have you back.

It's nice to be back.

Hey, you want to train me

on this thing or what?
You bet I do.

All right.
Yeah, you put your...

- Okay.
- Put your hand on the knob.

- Yeah? Like that?
- There you go. Yeah, no.

Like that?
Slow. Slow.

Ah, slow, slow, slow.

♪ Oh... ♪

Yeah, there you go.
Ah.

♪ My love ♪

♪ My darling... ♪

Oh, hey, Tom Selleck.

Uh, Linda, take it easy.

Oh! Oh! Whoo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Yeah, you can't pull it down that hard.
- Okay.

Mom, we're really sorry.

Will you come back and
help us right now, please?

Hmm.
Stay strong, Lin.

Please.

- I accept your apology, and I will help you.
- What?

Great! Let's go.

- I will help you by not helping you. Right?
- Mmm.

Yeah. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

What just happened here?

Why is everyone smiling
and not helping?

Mom, Mr. Frond
is making us perform

for the school board
this afternoon.

- Not my problem.
- Exactly.

Not her problem.
It's not my problem.

- Yes, what she said.
- Not mine.

Okay, let's not...

And if we don't pass,
we have to go to summer school.

- Summer school?
- Yeah. What next?

Summer church?
Summer dentist?

Summer visit Grandma?

Summer camp?
Wait, I'd go there.

You guys made your
bed, and now you're

- going to have to swim in it.
- Whoa, whoa.

Lin, the kids can't go
to summer school.

We need them here
in the restaurant.

I thought you said quitting
was the right thing to do.

We both said a lot of things.

Just, you help them.

I will not, you hypocrite.

If you want to help the kids...

you're such
a know-it-all parent...

then help them yourself.
I'm done.

- Yeah! Dad, help us!
- Yeah! Help us, Dad! Please.

That's a great idea!

No, no, no.
What? No, not me.

- Yeah. Yes, you.
- No, I'm busy.

Dad.
Hmm?

Summer School.

And you're here all alone
without Team Soft Serve.

It's too cold.
I can't eat it.

What percentage of fat is it?

Swirl it.
Is it nonfat?

- Take it out of the microwave.
- Uh, Bob.

Swirl it.
The bowl is hot.

Totally freaking out.

- Swirl it.
- No!

Okay, fine.

I guess I'll have to figure out
some kind of routine.

I taught you kids
how to use this, right?

Yeah.
But I still don't

understand where
the ice cream goes.

All right, shut up.
Forget it.

Superintendent Douglas,
let me get your chair for you.

I got it. I got it.
Yeah. Ah.

Once upon a time,

there was no such thing as math.

Until one brave teacher said,
"Hey, what about math?"

I think independent study
synchronised swimming

will be the next math.

We are so screwed.

We're all gonna die!

Let's die like we were born...
two minutes apart!

All right, everybody, calm down.

Huddle up. Come here.

We can fake our way
through this.

We'll do a few of these
and some of this.

And maybe we'll be okay.

Dad, go change into your suit.

I'm in my suit.
Hmm?

This is what men wear, Gene,
in the pool.

Well, it looks ridiculous.

♪ ♪ And five, six,
seven, eight...

Fire!
Oh, my God.

Everyone stay!

Phillip, it's a fire alarm.

No, we're...
we're at a swimming pool.

This is the safest place to be
during a fire.

False alarm, people.

False alarm!
Everything is fine.

Let's get this swim going!

And five, six, seven, eight...

Anthrax! Run
for your lives!

Aah! Anthrax!

Anthrax smells like babies!

- Oh, my God.
- Aah!

Phillip, what is going on here?

Come over here. Come here.

It's-it's just talcum powder.
Carry on.

Ugh.

Linda, it's Tom Selleck.

Tom, what are you doing
in my coffee?

Want to know what's
the sexiest thing about you?

My ankles.
No.

You're a fantastic mother.

Oh. Anything else?

You always do the right thing.

All right, we're done.

Go. Get out of my coffee.

And five, six, seven, eight...

Doody! Doody!

Oh, come on!

Everyone out of the pool.

We've got a code brown.

Don't go near it.

It's disgusting.

You did a Caddyshack?

- Nice move.
- What's a Caddyshack?

The movie... Caddyshack?
Never heard of it.

Wait, so you didn't just throw
a candy bar in the pool? No.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Wow. Looks like a candy bar.
Thank you.

Mine looks like chicken satay.

Sorry, folks, we
got to drain it.

I think we're done here.

Next time,
let's stick to the curriculum.

No! No. No.
We are not done.

We will... we will
still do this.

We will...
do this in the empty pool.

You want us to swim in
a pool with no water?

Are you insane?

Summer school.

♪ ♪ And five, six, seven, eight.

Ow!
Sorry, Dad.

It's Mom.

Lin, what are you doing here?

A little cup of coffee
told me to come.

I don't know what that means,
but we're glad to see you.

We're dying here.

Follow my lead!

Crowning Otter!

Clench that pelvic floor!

Gene, you're good.

I've seen her do it
a million times.

And into Downward Stork.

Don't forget to breathe.

Here comes the baby.

Push... and push.

Oh, oh, it's crowning.
It's crowning.

Aah! I had a baby!

And lift up the baby.

Nurse the baby.

And jazz hands.

We passed!
Yes!

Next time we do this,

I'm getting an epidural.

Well, the school board
killed independent study.

Another Frond innovation
in the crapper.

But we passed the performance?

I guess, technically,
you passed.

So no summer school?

Yeah. Yeah.
No summer school.

- Whatever.
- Whoo-hoo. Yes. Whoo-hoo.

But you do
have to go back to P.E.

Balls.

I got to go knit this out.

Nice job with the
prenatal yoga, Mom.

Sorry we were such jerks.

That's why I quit
being your coach.

But I'll never quit
being your mommy.

You saved our asses.

And toned our Kegels.

Let's go home and celebrate

with some soft serve!

Eh, let's go to I Scream,

You Scream,
We All Scream for Yoghurt.

They've got more flavors.

I want to go to Chilli Billy's.

I think they just serve chilli.

Ooh, now I'm hungry for chilli.

Good,
'cause we're getting chilli.

All right!

Are we just going
to ignore the fact

that Louise pooped in the pool?

Ignore it?

I named it...
Jezebel.

Aw. My little
grand-doody.