Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Bob Day Afternoon - full transcript

So, Bobby, what are we gonna say

to the bank manager tomorrow?

If we don't get those loans
restructured,

we're up a creek.

Screwed Creek.
Don't worry, Lin.

I got it all worked out.

Very convincing stuff.

Let's hear it.
All right.

Action!

As you know, sir,

we have several loans
with your institution,



all "past due."

But what does "past due"
even mean, you know?

It's brilliant!
There's no such thing as time.

Gene was past due
and he came out fine.

I wish I stayed in there!
Hey.

Get out of there. Gene!
Let me in!

Let me back in!
Gene! Bob!

Oh, God.
This is your son.

Sorry, Gene. No backsies.

You can't put the candy
back in mom's wrapper.

You know, I have a savings
account at First Oceanside.

So I might have some pull over there.

Thanks, Teen, but I think
I got this covered.

No.
Look, I know we owe money



and my credit score's
on the low side, but...

It is the low side, Bob.

It's kind of an inside joke
around here. Hmm.

That's funny... but I would

still like you to look at the loan.

No.

Well, it's really important that...

Bob, I have to take this call.

That's... not a phone.

Well I...
I still have to take it.

Great. Well, then I will,

leave you your piece
of paper phone call.

I just wish that
you... nope.

You know what, forget it!

"Always on your side."

Ha! I'll
make a scene!

Um... I'm
gonna leave.

Hey, thanks, man.

Whoa!

Get a car, idiot!

Gonna check on my money.

The bank manager didn't go for it.

And he was mean.

My God, Bobby, what'd you do?

Nothing. I just punched
a cardboard cutout guy.

I didn't even punch it, I
just flicked it. Oh, Bobby.

Man, I got to do this stupid
essay for English class

on "someone important to me."

I'd write about the guy

who flies the helicopter
on The Bachelor.

Look at all those police!

This is a good time for me to
be stuck in that tree again.

Kids! Get in here!

Channel six news.

They'll finger anything with a pulse.

I'm pretty sure their slogan is,

their "finger's on the
pulse," Gene. No!

That can't be right.
It's right.

Ooh, SWAT team's here. Intense.

That guy's important.
You can tell by the way he points.

He's fingering right at us!

Tell those guys to get
behind the barricade, now!

There's a hostage
situation at the bank.

We need this restaurant.

This is, um, interesting.

The restaurant will get on TV. I know.

I was just thinking the same thing.

That's a lot of coffee's going out.

Write it all down, all the
coffees, we got to keep track.

Snipers
are in position on the roof.

Oh, God, that's embarrassing.

Our gutters are a mess.

Hello. My name's
Louise.

I would like to donate a piece
of my personal chalk

in case you need to outline a body.

Is my money safe in that bank?

What are these kids doing here!

U-Uh, they're our kids.

They, uh, work-slash-live here.

Well, keep them
out of the way. You got me?

Do I have a hard line yet? Line's up.

Who's breathing on my line?!

All I know is
I was just talking to Ken,

and now I'm on hold at the bank.
Hey!

Everyone shhhh!

God, we're making the call.
Shut up.

This is Sergeant Bosco,
and I'm in charge.

Uh, who am I speaking with?

All right, Mickey,

how many people you
got in there? Eight.

Okay, Mickey, this is what
we're gonna do: You...

Uh-huh.

He wants pizza.
Oh, come on.

They always want pizza.

Isn't there an Italian
place across the street?

Jimmy Pesto's? Heard
that place was pretty good.

Get six pizzas over there quick.

No. That could've
been huge for us.

I hope this standoff ends...

pizza-fully.

Pepper-Ono-he-didn't!

Ugh, you believe this?

Pesto is getting the free advertising

we were supposed to get.

How does, uh...

one get into robot driving?

Did you go to robot college?!

Come on, give me your keys, Seth.

I'm fine.

I only have
to drive .37 miles.

We're in college, dude.

Chillax.

Are you sure you guys are naked?!

Totally.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh...

Oh! Ugh.

I was just performing
routine maintenance.

Doesn't anyone knock around here?

Jeez.

There's no such thing
as robot college.

Not yet!

Shots fired! Shots fired!

Finally, some gun play.

Down in front! Thank you.

That was the worst pizza I ever had!

Jimmy Pesto's is crap!

Yes!

Ouch.

Yeah. I'm sorry
about the pizzas.

Um, what do you want instead?

Chinese?
Burgers.

Mexican?
This is a burger place.

What about Hot Pockets?

Burgers are right here.
Or nonfat frozen yoghurt.

We're in a restaurant.
It's my restaurant.

Ooh! How about
some sort of a

Malaysian cuisine?
Burgers.

How about, uh...

burgers?

Okay, burgers it is.
Thank you.

Uh, fries, do they want fries?

All right, Mickey, listen up.

You want fries?

Yeah, he wants fries... and a what?
And a what?

Here, you take the order!
Oh, okay.

Uh, Hi.

Hi.
So, uh... b-burgers.

How about cheese?
How many we doing with cheese?

All right, who wants cheese?

Huh, everyone.

God, what do I want?

I don't want cheese.

Just scrape it off.

Um... be-be-Bo,
be-be-booo.

What does Mickey want?
Wh-What's your favourite?

Well, the burger
of the day is, the, uh,

"Chard to a Crisp" burger.

What the hell is that?
Oh, it's, uh... uh,

burger with Swiss chard on it.

I was just having fun with it.

Look at you,
Mr. Creative.

No... a little bit.

What was your name again?
Uh, Bob.

Bob! What if you brought
the burgers over yourself?

Uh...
Say yes. Say yes, Bob.

Say it.
Please, I can't do that.

O-Okay.
Okay, Bob's in.

- Who needs these scumbag cops, right?
- Scum...

Right?
Yeah.

The cops are really...
Scumbags!

Yeah. Well, no.
You can say it.

Scrunched up faces
and their stupid arms...

I'm gonna start
on those burgers, okay?

Why do I need to wear this?

'Cause you might get popped.

I'm ready to be
the man of this family.

I'm ready to call you dad, Gene.

No one's calling Gene Dad.

Gene / Dad! Time to go. Let's move.

Remember, Bob,
he's hot, you stay cool.

Hot. Cool.
What are you?!

Um, Th-the guy with the hamburgers.
No, no, no.

What are you, hot or cool?

Cool... oh, cool.
You're ready.

Okay. Come here,
come here, come here.

Come back safe, Bobby. All right?
Let's go, Bob.

I love you, Father!
I know.

Bob, let's go.
Hold on one second...

Bob. Yep. Dad, if you die,

I'll have to write rort on Gene / Dad.
Timing is everything here, Bob.

Let's go. No, if you die,
I'll write my report on you.

Okay, enough, Bob. I'm coming.
I just got to finish up here.

Let's go now!
Well, my family's saying good-bye.

This is a precision operation.

Dad, don't go!
Don't go!

I've changed my mind!
Don't go, I love you!

Gene, you got to let go of my arm.

Dad, I love you. Please don't go!
Please don't go!

Oh, my God! Get off.
I love you so much.

I' be right there,
I've just got to wrap this up.

Shake 'em loose,
Bob! Let's Go!

I'm trying! They're
not letting me go!

I have too many unanswered questions!

What is sex?!

Gene, just let go!
I don't know what sex is!

I said, I'm coming!
Bob!

Come back safe, Bobby.

Don't leave me
with these friggin' kids.

Okay, I'm going.

Oh, crap.

We don't have the logos on our bags.

That's what's gonna be on camera.

I'm on it.

Why'd you draw at?
It's not a rocket. It's a fish.

Okay. Why would
you draw a fish?

It's easy to draw.

So is a hamburger, or my name.

Looks like a Jesus fish.

Preachy.

Let's go. Now.
Move it.

It looks like a huge, misshapen penis.

It's Bob's Burgers.

It's supposed to be a fish,
not a rocket, or a penis.

It's a penis.

Oh, boy.

Oh... God.

Oh... no.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God.

Bob?
Yeah.

Hey, you are Bob.

You are definitely not a cop.

Okay? Uh... thanks?

Here are your burgers. Hey,
w-what are they saying about me out there?

Uh, that you'd be, um, hot.

Hot? Like Vin Diesel hot?

N-No, like hot-tempered.

Like a hot guy with a bad temper...
So, here's the burgers.

Bobby!
How did you miss that?!

Fatty got in the way.

Uh, it's a code name we gave to Bob.

You screwed up big-time
shooting at me!

Maybe I'll shoot a hostage!

Go ahead!
Do it, big man!

Shoot a hostage!

You shoot a hostage.

Maybe I will!

What is going on here?!

You guys are trigger happy.
No, we're not!

Are, too!

What is wrong with
you people? Stop this!

Who is this?
It's Bob.

It's fatty.
Look, Bob,

we're gonna get everyone
out of there safely, okay?

I don't believe you!

That was not on my orders.

Someone just got a little hot.

He's hot. We're cool.
Remember?

We're cool.
We just shoot sometimes.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I'm coming outside now.

Do not shoot me!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

If I let you go now, then
everyone will want to leave.

And it's a big domino effect thing.

Bob's a hostage now.
No. W-Wait, no.

Hey, man, it's a really great group.

Will you...
close those blinds?

Maybe we should pass
those burgers around.

My blood sugar is low.

- I dropped them.
- What?!

I was getting shot at.

Drive through!

That was gonna be
my red meat for the week.

What am I gonna do for protein?

I've got a protein bar in my pocket.

You can fish it out.

I am so glad you joined
the group, Bob.

Oh, shut up, Frond.

You guys know each other?

What a coinky-dink.

He works at my kids' school.

We've had our...
We hate each other.

What? Oh, this is gonna
be fun, you guys.

He's taken Bob as a hostage.

What?! This crazy!

Yeah. Crazy good for my essay.

Hello?
Hello.

You're on with Bob's
youngest child, Louise.

It's your daughter?
Oh!

They work with me at the restaurant.

Adorable.

Yeah. Oh, no.
You're such a good father.

It's more about not
paying regular... whatever.

You want to talk to your Daddy?

No. I want to
talk to you.

You have been selected as the subject

of my important person school essay.
Shut up.

Oh, don't tell me to shut up!

Question one...

What... It's my Daddy!
Ah!

How did you
first get into bank robbing?

Pfft. Me and a buddy of mine,
we just kind of fell into it.

You know, I had a gun,
I needed some money.

All right, kiddo,
we've had our fun now.

Hand over the...
It's my daddy!

My daddy's in there!
Yeah! Okay!

So just a couple more questions.

I know you're a busy guy.

Give me the phone.
Give me that phone back. Give it to me.

You are being so rude right now.

Ow!
Ouch!

Serves you right, kid.
Listen to me, Mickey.

We need to talk.
No, no, no.

You know what,
I don't want to talk to you,

I want to talk to the little girl.

Negative.
You'll talk with me.

It's the girl or, you know,
I shoot somebody,

I kill somebody.

All right.
Hang on. Hang on.

Hi, um...

Listen, Mickey,
you said you were a bank robber.

Hey! I'm gonna
shoot somebody.

Fine, here she is.
This is Louise.

I'm running the show now.

Bobby! I'm worried
about you.

Who is this?
Hey, it's Linda.

Linda, hi.
Who's this?

This is Mickey.
I'm a criminal.

Hey, Nicky.
How old are we?

Don't worry about it.

Ask about my money.

Hey, Mickey, uh,
my sister Tina's worried

about her bank account.

I have $87 in that bank.

I heard 200.

And I have just withdrawn her
money for peace of mind, huh?

Nice! I just brokered the
release of my sister's money.

You haven't brokered jack!

All right, here's how
we're gonna do this.

Thank you!

Hey, gimme that.

No, no.
I need that for evidence.

I will punch you.
And I will punch you!

He will.

I'm through playing games, Mickey!

Uh, actually, it's Bob.

Mickey wants me to handle
the calls now.

Oh. Bob...
Yeah.

All righisten, can Mickey hear this?
No. He's...

behind the counter,
playing "banker."

Oh, good, good, good.

All right, now, listen very carefully.

You are now my man on the inside.

What? No.
No, no.

I'm just the guy who brought
the burgers over, okay?

No. Not anymore, Bob.

You're more than a burger guy.

Now, listen, whatever
you're doing at 6:00 pm,

in exactly one hour,

hit the deck.

Hit the deck? What?
Hit the deck.

You've never heard
that expression before?

Yeah. I said "what"?
Were you in the navy?

No, I was not in the navy.

Were you? Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I was.

But I don't want to go through
my military history right now.

"Hit the deck" means get down.
Well, you don't have to be

in the navy to know that expression.

Just focus. Spread the word
to the other hostages.

At 6:00, on the dot,
hit the deck.

Wait, no. Listen,
don't do that.

Everything all right, Bob?
Yeah, uh, no.

Everything's fine, yeah.
I just had a cramp.

Oh, good. Then get
over here and play banker.

Come on, get in on this.

Yay.

You got a 50?

Come on, I can break a 50.

Um, I got a five.

All right.

Let's break Bob's five.

One, two, three, four, five.

We broke your five!
Thank you.

That was fun.
You got five singles now.

Olsen Benner here reporting
from the hostage standoff,

where tensions are high.

I understand your husband is

one of the hostages inside the bank.

Yes. Bobby, if
you're listening,

we love you, baby.

If you make it out of there,

I will do anything, anything you want.

Except that one thing.

Us, too, Bobby.
Anything.

Most things, Bobby.

All right, Mickey,
you-you have to give up.

You-you have to end this
before someone gets hurt.

I have a plan, Bob, okay?

This is gonna go fine.
I can help.

I am a self-certified counsellor,
after all.

You want money, okay.

The cops want to kill you, sure.

You have a gun and might kill us.

I am freaking out!

What is your plan?!

All right, I don't have a plan, okay?!

This is the first bank
I've ever robbed by myself,

without Rodney.

Oh, truth comes out.

Rodney was the brains

and you were the dead weight,
I'm guessing.

Why the hell would you
do a job without Rodney?!

You stupid idiot!

Mr. Frond, shut up.

He's right, I'm so stupid.

No. I'm nothing without Rodney.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Okay. All right,
come here, come here.

Sit down.

Hello?

Dad, I need to talk to Mickey.

It's an emergency;
My report's due on Monday.

Louise, please.
I'm in a hostage situation.

People could die.

Ugh, I just want to know

what the nuttiest thing
he ever stole is?

Bob, this is Linda.

I don't know if you saw
what I said to you on TV...

What did you say?
Anything.

That's what I'll do for you
if you get out.

Everything's on the table,
including on the table.

Lin, Lin, stop.
I have to go.

Dad, I just remembered, I
have an account there, too,

and a safety deposit box.

So I have about, I think a
thousand, and then I just have,

like, a lot of valuables
in the safety deposit box.

I'm sending the robot.

How many extensions
do you people have?!

Four. All right, I'm hanging up.

Mickey, listen, we-we got to
start making moves here, okay?

What if... hear me out...

What if you release
all the hostages...

Ah. Yeah.
No.

You leave the money.

Sure. Sure.
No.

You give yourself up.

Why not?
Why would I do that?

Almost as good as

your "what is past
due?" argument.

Look, I want to talk to Rodney.

Rodney, phone's for you!

Hello?

Rodney?
Mickey!

Hey, what's up?

Oh, not much.

Uh, I botched a job, man.

The cops are everywhere.
What do I do?

Are there cops on the phone?

Yeah, but I'm whispering.

Yeah, we can't hear anything.
Go ahead.

See?
Oh, man.

Rodney.
Who the hell is that?

Oh, just a little girl who's
writing a paper about me.

When you two were working together,

what was the first thing you would buy

after you stole all that money?

You know, I love me
a Cadbury egg, but I...

That's my Rodney.

Hey, Mickey, I don't know
what you're up to,

but count me out.

Rodney! Rodney! Rodney!

Easy, Mickey, calm down.

Ah! Let me
out of here!

Women and children should be released.

You're not a woman, Frond.

I will tuck my junk so fast.

Look, I'm losing it, Bob.

Maybe I should make a break for it.

Mickey, look, you're not
getting away with the money.

You have to accept that.

I-I just don't think
Rodney would...

You got to stop thinking
about Rodney, all right?

You robbed this bank.

So you need to decide how this ends,

not how Rodney would do it.

It's how Mickey would do
it. Do the Mickey plan.

I don't know what
the Mickey plan is though.

I just don't want to look like
a total failure on TV.

Cops touching my hair, laughing at me,

pulling on me,
grabbing m-m-my new jeans.

All right, all right.

So give yourself up,
but on your R term.

Look, I don't make a lot
of money selling burgers,

- Mm-mm.
- But I do it on my terms.

Mm, okay.

All right, I'll turn myself in.

On my terms.

And here's one of my terms.

I'm hungry!

I want one of your burgers, Bob.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.

That's right,
the hostage situation

is moving to Fish Rocket Burgers.

Say we go to your place,

order up some burgers,
I give myself up,

on my terms.

How you like my plan, Bob?

Uh, it's not great.
Pretty sweet?

Uh, I think it's fair at best, Mickey,

but it's yours.

It sure is mine.

Hey, what are you guys
doing after this?

I mean, not that I can come.

Probably not.
I mean, maybe I can.

Hey, you guys are shoe twins!

Look at your shoes.

Easy.

You're almost home, Bobby!

Oh, God, now I have to do that.

Bobby, I'll trade you that
for two of the other things.

Hey, hey, look at that.
That's my ride.

Gets great ass mileage.

How are you still single?

I'm not.

Oops.

Hey!

All right, we're out
of the restaurant.

I just don't get why we have
to be in a huddle, too.

So you don't fan out.

Plus, we're in a huddle,
and it just feels like

it should be, you know,
like a huddle thing.

Pretty tight though.
Looking good.

Hey, I see you!

Get in the bank or, you know,

I start shooting!
Ah!

Okay, okay! We're going.

See that? Yeah, this is
how you go out in style.

The Mickey way.

Mickey! What advice
would you give young people?

Who's your hero?

What's your favourite
pig-out food?

Stay in school, Superman,

potato chips if I'm sad,
chocolate if I'm bad.

Louise, get out!

You guys are amazing.

Best human shields ever.

Whoa, look out!
Just kidding.

Oh, my God, no, look out!

I'm kidding.

These burgers are good.

This is great, huh?
Look at me.

Burger in one hand,
beer in the other...

Living life.

This is how you go to jail.

Yeah, and no one got hurt.

Well, that, too. That, too.

Hey, Bob, you know when
they, uh, caught up to Rodney,

they tackled him, and his pants
came halfway down.

He's splayed out like that,
with his hands on his head,

ass in the breeze.

It's like his pants
just kind of gave up.

My pants are staying on.

So thanks for that, Bob.

Thanks for everything.

Uh, sure, Mickey.

The cops tear-gassed themselves.

Love it!

Oh, well done.

That's the money shot. Goodie.

Ow, man, not my Sex-U-V!

All right, now's my chance.

N-No, Mickey,

don't do it.

Sorry to eat and run.

Was that a cool line?

Mm, not really.

No...!

Yes...!

Run, Mickey!

Not the pants...!

You see that, Bob?

My pants are up! Ow!

They're up!
Yeah, I see, buddy.

I see it.

Dad!

You survived!
I did.

Oh, Bobby, you're a hero.

I don't know about that.

You really stepped up today.

Maybe I was wrong about you, Bob.

Come by the bank tomorrow

and we'll see about
restructuring your loans.

What the...?

That's a dye pack from the bank.

Uh, Mickey must have put it...
Tsk-tsk-tsk...

Oh, don't tsk me.

I didn't...
Mm-mm.

Oh, come...
Nope.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Didn't know you had it in you, Dad.

I didn't steal the money.

I believe you, honey.

Kinda.

Hey, Bob, why don't you go negotiate

the release of some
tomatoes from the walk-in?

It's been two weeks, Lin.

You can stop with the hostage jokes.

Bob's Burgers.

Bob! It's Mickey!

Hey, Mickey, how-how's jail?

It's horrible.
Ask him if he got

the books on tape we sent him.

Does anyone there need a pen pal?

Ask him what he'll do
for a pack of smokes.

Hey, Bob, I wanted to know what grade

your daughter got
on that essay about me?

Oh. Um, he
wants to know

what grade you got on
that essay you wrote.

Oh. I never even
turned it in.

Right.

Uh, she got an A.

Hey, we got an A!