Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 13, Episode 3 - What About Job? - full transcript

- Linda.
- What is it? What happened? What happened?

- I heard something.
- Oh.

I-I really hope
it's not a burglar.

I'm not good at fighting.

- Or running away.
- Oh, God. What if it is?

The house is a mess. I
feel bad for the burglar.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Louise.

Are you okay?

I've never seen you
sweep anything before.

Yeah. Sorry about
the sugar bowl.

I was just gonna have a few
spoonfuls for clean energy.



- Okay.
- Why do you have a blow-dryer?

- And a pillow?
- They're our weapons.

We thought there was a
burglar. We were gonna style him.

And then he could
have a little rest.

- Hmm. That's a great plan.
- Here, let me help you with that.

It's the middle of the night,
I thought you went to bed.

You're still working on
your career day assignment?

Oh, no, all done, it's just in
invisible ink, so, you know...

Hmm.

Hey, what's going on?

Are you guys having
Midnight Breakfast without me?

No, I was just getting
down the sugar bowl

- to have some sugar for...
- Clean energy.

Yeah, so I could
finish/start my poster board



- and the bowl fell.
- Oh, your poster looks great.

Not too busy.

Ugh, I just... we're
supposed to research

different careers that we
could see ourselves being

when we grow up and I-I can't.

Oh. I mean, yeah. There
are a lot of jobs out there.

Doctor, lawyer... I
know there's others.

I'm gonna be a cheesemonger.

Give me that cheese
and I'll mong it.

Based on the video
we watched in class,

it seems like most
jobs are just boring?

No offense. The
restaurant is great.

But what if I grow up and I
just am not really anything cool?

Or exciting. What if I'm
just a boring-life person?

You? No.

Louise, you are never
gonna be a boring-life person.

You know what's very
not boring to me, is sleep.

And then helping you with
this very quickly in the morning.

Or we get into it. I
mean, I have a good idea

of what Louise could
be when she grows up.

Uh, great. Can you
tell us in the morning?

I mean, sure, it might
seem like you have

a boring job, but that'll
just be your cover.

So there you are,

at your data organizing job,

just organizing data, like
you always do. Or do you?

Hey, Louise. A bunch
of us are gonna go

to the chicken finger
place and get shrimp.

- Do you want to join?
- Eh. I wish I could.

Suit yourself.

Here's the target in Sicily.

Our client wants it
done discreetly, but also,

- in a sort of cool way.
- Here's your grabber, sir.

- How's that grab you?
- Love it, sir.

So, you go to
Freddie NoGoodio's house

and wait for him to come back

from whatever he was
doing out on the town.

Probably eating
spaghetti with his mistress.

Whoa!

Out of my way, short stuff.

Speaking of shorts...

Freddie, meet wedgie.

My butt crack!

That's right. You're
gonna be a highly skilled

- wedgie-sassin.
- Oh.

So you head home where
you live with your platonic friend

and professional human
statue street performer Rudy.

Long night at the data
organization office?

Yeah. One data
was so disorganized,

I really had to
wedge it into shape.

Well, I'm gonna hit the hay.

Good night, platonic
roommate and good friend.

- Good night.
- Oh. Got a little paint on you. Sorry.

No! Rudy.

- You've been wedgied.
- That's right.

You aren't the only highly
skilled wedgie-sassin in town.

You have an archrival,
and she's missing

a few ingredients
from her brain bread.

Millie.

Ugh. Millie is still copying me?

Yep, big-time.

She even copied your 401 plan.

Anyway, as you sit by
Rudy's hospital bed...

I never meant for
this to happen to you.

I should have told you
not to wear underwear.

This is all my fault.

- Mrs. Regular Sized?
- No, I'm just a friend.

- A platonic friend and roommate.
- Of course.

- Will he live, Doc?
- I don't know.

Not because I
used to be a dentist

and I just became a doctor,

but because it's more
dramatic this way.

We're trying to make the
hospital more dramatic.

Anyway, your platonic
friend and roommate

has the worst
wedgie I've ever seen.

His B-crack has
been stretched 33%.

I hope the authorities
find whoever did this.

Whoever did this is
hoping I don't find them first.

So you go to one of those places

that all the wedgie
people know about.

It looks like it's just

some kind of arty-farty
store, but really,

it's a cool weapons depot/fun
hangout spot in general.

But the only art
Louise is interested in

is the art of revenge.

- Cranberry juice?
- Not tonight.

I have to have my wits about me.

Yeah. Heard your platonic
roommate got wedged real bad.

Millie went against
the wedgie-sassin code.

- I'll take one of everything.
- The tushie tickler?

- Yep.
- The patoot pincher?

- Oh, yeah.
- The cheek splitter?

Edith, I said everything.

Okay, okay.

I couldn't tell if
you were serious

or if you were just
doing that for effect.

Eh, it was both.

You want your
vengeance mix, boss?

Crank it.

Hey. Where do you
think you're going?

I think I'm going inside.

And you're going to cheek-ah-go.

Oh, there's my BFF.

Want to make some
friendship bracelets?

Or fight to the death?
Either works for me.

You hurt Rudy's booty.
Now I'm gonna do my duty.

Okay, so the fighting one.

Before we fight, I got to
know... Why'd you do it, Millie?

Why'd you split Rudy's ham?

I was just trying to
get your attention.

I think maybe I'd be a
more fun roommate for you.

We could join up,
tag-team our wedgie work,

- just have fun with it.
- Never.

Well, then I'll just
wedgie everyone you love

until you agree to be
my wedgie-sassin partner/

roommate/best friend
forever for life for reals.

Last chance, Louise.

Be my BFF or BFW.

What's a BFW?

- Best forever wedgie.
- A forever wedgie?

That wedgie is outlawed
under the Geneva Conventions.

Yeah, I know,

but that's so conventional.

Uh-oh.

Now, here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna stay away from
my platonic friends and loved ones,

you're gonna stop copying me

and you're gonna leave the
wedgie business for good.

Or I give you a forever wedgie.

Mm, I'll take the
forever wedgie.

Okay. It's your crack's funeral.

Wait! I changed my
mind. I'll do the other stuff.

All right. But I'm gonna
hold on to this just in case.

C-Can we still be friends?

Acquaintances? Or-or
best acquaintances?

I love you!

Rudy, you're awake.
How's your butt?

Doctor says it's got a
big crack down the middle.

But it's gonna make it.

How was your weekend?

I went to brunch
six times. I'm so full.

Mine was pretty uneventful.

Just... organized some data.

- Mm-kay, bye.
- And some underwear.

And you drink your
coffee with a little grabber,

because, secretly, you're
a badass ass assassin.

And your career isn't
boring at all. The end.

Ooh! That does sound
like a pretty cool career.

Yeah, and totally possible.

Yeah. I-I guess.

Those grabbers do sound fun,

but I think it might be
pretty hard to break into

the international wedgie
game without connections.

So, should we... get to bed?

Or maybe you're something even
more exciting than an assassin.

- Okay.
- Like a teacher.

In a school? Tina, how dare you?

Hold on. You
teach a little class

on treasure hunting
in Kathmandu.

Okay. Treasure
hunting. I'm listening.

So, you hunted for treasure
until you made your fortune,

and then you decided to
teach the next generation.

But when one of the most
beautiful women in the world...

Who also has a
great personality...

Shows up with a
request you can't refuse,

you, um...

can't refuse it.

Hi, Louisianna. It's
me, your sister, Tina.

And this is my butler, Gene,
who looks like your brother,

but it isn't him. Um,
this one's British.

Anyone want some tea?

A treasure's been lost,
and I need your help.

Tina, you know I'm retired
from treasure hunting.

I sold all my treasure findings
and bought a bunch of candy.

Look, I even keep an
extra-long licorice whip

in my hat for snacking.

But wh-what if I told you
the whole world was in danger

because a treasure had
fallen into the wrong hands

and that this
artifact is probably

the most valuable
object in the world

a-and it could also end it?

- Sausage?
- Not now, Gene.

Louisianna, listen, the
artifact is a certain CD

of a certain
never-before-released

Boyz4Now song.

- You don't mean...
- But...

that's in a vault in the
Boyz4Now Museum.

Correction, it was there.

It got stolen a week ago.

Oh, no. That CD
of the first song

they ever recorded together,

"I Kiss My Pillow
and Think of You,"

has always been considered
too exciting for human ears.

That's right. When the
record executive heard it,

he pooped and peed his pants
and also barfed until he exploded.

So anyone who hears it...

Will also immediately
pee and poop their pants

and barf all at the same
time until they explode.

Ooh, my.

If someone were to
broadcast it around the world,

my God.

It's diabolical.

It's diarrhea-bolical.

I'll get my things.

I'm not sure we have
time for smoothies, Louise.

We're not here for
smoothies. We're here for answers.

But, yeah, if anyone does
want a smoothie, that's fine.

Well, isn't this a surprise.

Rudy, we need information.

You know I got out

of the information-getting
business, Louise.

Plus, I'm mad at
you from before.

We were supposed
to move in together

as platonic
roommates and friends,

and then you ran
off to Kathmandu.

I had to break the lease,
and it broke my heart.

Platonically.

Sorry about that, Rudes.

Being roommates wouldn't
have worked out anyway.

Sometimes I sleepwalk
holding a knife.

Roommates don't like
it, but it's perfectly safe.

Well, it looks like you
want information from me

and I want you out of my joint.

I guess we better settle
this the way we used to...

With a smooth-off.

Holy crap.

Oh, boy. This one has banana.

Chunky.

Oh, it's too thick!

Whoo-hoo! - Yeah!

Ah, fine. You win.

What do you want to know?

I want to know what you know

about the
never-before-released single

- by Boyz4Now.
- Shh! Keep your voice down.

I heard it was in the wind,
but I didn't want to believe it.

Well, you can
believe my sister Tina.

She's the curator of
the Boyz4Now Museum.

And their manager
and personal masseuse.

Well, I've heard
whispers they reopened

the Cold War Disco
Caves in Siberia.

That might be connected
to the missing CD.

Hmm. I don't suppose we could
convince you to come along?

Think we'll be back by 6:00?

Eh, 6:00-ish.

But I can't promise
you that you won't pee.

Or poop. Or barf.

No one can promise anyone that.

So you fly to Siberia.

And just to say, what an
interesting career, huh?

Travel, free
smoothies, cool hats.

Yeah, I guess.

So how do we find the
Cold War Disco Caves?

Also, what is a Cold
War disco cave?

They're top secret fallout
shelters with great lighting

and incredible acoustics where
people could still disco dance

in the event of a nuclear war.

We'll find 'em. We
just got to use our ears.

Lot of ground to cover.
Better get started.

Ah. Never mind.

They're right below us.

- Oh, good.
- But how do we get in?

I found a hatchy. Sorry,
you Americans say "door."

Wait.

- Booby trap.
- How do you know?

Icicles don't grow sideways.

What do we do?

We sled. Hop on.

Oh, wait. So we just...

Oh, good.

You're just in time
for my next dance.

- Jimmy Jr.?
- Yeah, it's J-Ju.

Total evil mastermind.

Equally dangerous
on the dance floor.

- Hey, Tina.
- Zeke.

Y'all want some
Cold War disco snacks

before we show you how
the world's gonna end?

We got bean dip.

In England, we call
it "mushy brown."

Glad you could make
it for the big show, Tina.

And I see you brought
along your famous sister,

Louisianna Jones... Belcher.

- And me.
- And me.

Hi, I'm Rudy, owner
of Rudy's Smoothies.

- Oh, man, those are great.
- Thank you.

Wait, Tina, Jimmy Jr.'s
the bad guy in your story?

Yeah. I'm mad at
him. He wouldn't share

- his gum yesterday.
- Okay.

Jimmy Jr., why
are you doing this?

You know why.

Because you're jealous of my
completely professional massage

and museum curation-based
relationship with the Boyz4Now?

Yes, Tina, I am.

But there won't be
anything to be jealous of

when their first single wipes
out the entire human race.

But the Boyz4Now
will still be alive.

Because I don't
think you can explode

from hearing your own song.

Or they would have exploded
when they recorded it.

It doesn't matter, Tina.

Their reputation will be ruined.

Because people don't
like being exploded.

Uh, how you gonna do
it? You want to do that thing

where you tell us
your entire plan?

Not so I have time to figure
out how to stop you or anything.

With pleasure.

This transmitter
can reach every TV,

every phone, every
Bluetooth device in the world.

And when I tell Zeke to put on

"I Kiss My Pillow
and I Think of You,"

everyone will pee and
poop and barf and explode

and you'll have to marry me

because everyone
else is all exploded.

Okay. Keep saying words.

And Zeke will hit
this switch right here

so it doesn't play in our
noise-cancelling headphones

but it does play
everywhere else.

And Tina will put these
on so she doesn't poop,

pee, barf and explode.

- What about us?
- Oh, you're all gonna explode.

- Oh, boy.
- Tina, distract him.

Uh, hey, Jimmy Jr.,

what if we have
appetizers at our wedding?

Fine. Oh, and, FYI, I'll do
the couples dance by myself.

- No offense.
- Totally. Totally.

Zeke, let's do this.
Headphones on.

Get ready to press play.

I'm definitely putting these on.

Right over my ears.

Good. That's what I said to do.

- Zeke, hit it!
- Yeah!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

So, in the future, I'm
gonna explode Jimmy Jr.?

Yeah. You're gonna save the
world and explode Jimmy Jr.

What? He didn't share his gum.

Well, I mean, cool story, Tina,

but I think now, if
you find treasure,

you should just give it back
to the country it came from?

I don't know. I'm just
gonna put "data organizer,"

"paper stamper" and
"desk sitter" on my poster

and go to bed.

I'll get an "F," because
I'm supposed to write

about each one and provide
images and blah, blah, blah,

but at least I'll be done.

Uh, wait. Wh-What
if I have a story,

uh, about what you do?

Maybe you're right, Louise.

Maybe when you grow up

you-you won't be
anything special.

- Yep, great start.
- Dad, do better.

At first. A-At first.

Maybe you will be a desk
sitter o-or a paper stamper.

Lots of people
are. And that's fine.

But, you know, not
doing anything special

isn't necessarily a
permanent condition.

Just because you stop growing

doesn't mean you stop growing.

Whoa. Wait, what?

It's... Just listen.

So, you're older. You're
in your 20s, let's say.

And let's take the
restaurant out of this.

Maybe your mom and I close
the restaurant at some point

and we just, I don't know...

Make crafts!

And, uh, sell 'em
on the Internet.

You know, little pajamas
for candles. Right?

Pajamas for candles?

Yeah. Pajandles.
We talked about this.

Okay. But, anyway, uh,

none of us work at
the restaurant anymore.

- And you go to college.
- Community college.

- That we can afford.
- All the boys, half the price.

Right. Yes.
A-And you don't know

exactly what you want to
do, so you choose, uh, biology.

Or, uh, chemistry.

Or-or-or biochemistry,

because you like those
Bunsen burner thingies.

Because of the fire.

I do kinda like those
Bunsen burner thingies.

But you get out of college.

And you land a job.

I-In a lab.

And it's a little boring.

Hey, Louise. Some of us
are going to the taco place

to get pizzas. You want to come?

Uh, n-no, thanks.

Okay! Bye or whatever.

Scientists are
baffled as to why,

for the past month, no
new calves have been born.

And, yeah, that's your life.

Wait, I just work
and eat and sleep?

I don't have any friends?

I mean, sure. Y-You do.

A few. Um, you know,
people from work.

But, uh, Tina lives out of
town on her small horse farm...

Wait, why is it
small? Go big, baby.

Sorry, Tina. It's-It...

- Okay, so it's sort of a big horse farm.
- Yes.

And Gene's a traveling musician.

Each night a different city.

Don't know where
I am half the time,

but I'm addicted
to the applause.

And we have a cool tour bus.

With foosball.

Yeah. And next thing you know,

you're in your mid-30s.

Trudy, the last
known cow to be born,

was placed under
government protection

after yet another
kidnapping attempt.

Scientists still haven't solved
the infertility crisis in cows

that some are calling
"Ar-moo-geddon."

Is this like that movie
Children with Men?

Three Men and a Baby?

Children of Men.

Yes. Kind of.

So, same job, but
you got a promotion.

You're manager of...
biology things now.

Good for you,
gettin' a promotion.

- That's my girl.
- Whoo-hoo!

It's so sad about cows, right?

I love ice cream.

Me, too. And burgers.

Wait, burgers are cows?

I got to go do lab stuff. Bye.

Then your wheels start turning.

Pieces of a puzzle
you didn't even know

you were working on
start falling into place.

- You've always been good at puzzles.
- To me,

the biggest puzzle
is the human heart.

And it's a good thing you're
on the case, because the Cow Crisis

is causing turmoil
all around the world.

And you realize you
need a little help from one

of the only people you
know for sure you can trust.

- What the hell?
- Sorry.

I couldn't find a
small rock to throw.

There's a pile of
small rocks right there.

Oh. Whoops.

Listen, I need to borrow a cow.

- Wait, I thought I had a horse farm.
- You do. Y-You will.

But you also have a few cows.

To be friends with the horses.

And, you know, for
milk. And cheese.

Before it's gone forever.

Except for goat. And sheep.

And nut cheese.

D-Don't say "nut cheese."

- Nut cheese. Sorry.
- Anyway,

Tina keeps watch
outside the barn door

while you go in to
work with the cow.

Yeah, I keep watch
with my farmhand, Jimmy Jr.

Who can't wear a
shirt because it's itchy.

Wait, I thought you
were mad at him.

I was. But then you exploded
him and now I feel better.

Well, why do they
have to keep watch?

- Who were they watching for?
- Oh.

Um, all kinds of people.

Th-The cow thing
started a chain reaction,

and stuff got really
weird really fast.

Lot of people out of work,
worried about the future,

lot of weird political
stuff going on.

Anyone doing underground
cow research was under threat,

and that's exactly
what you were doing.

But you're on it now.

Your passion keeps you
working late into the night.

And, yeah, at one
point, you were worried

you didn't choose
the right career,

that you didn't have
the right job, but then...

you were here.

The right person
in the right place

at the right time.

And then you do it.

You solve it.

Louise, you did it!
This cow is with cow!

But a baby. A baby cow.

Calf. Sorry, sorry, I'm excited!

Uh-oh. They're here.

We can't let them take her.

They'll just use her as
a tool in their little wars.

So, w-wait, who
are the bad guys?

Uh, well, you know,
it's... complicated.

And I can't remember the
movie very well, but, uh,

you definitely can't trust
anybody except your sister.

What about her cool musician/

foosball enthusiast brother?

Right. Well, I was
just getting to that.

We can go down here.
It's my secret room

where I keep my
porcelain horse figurines.

But there's stairs.

Cows can't go down stairs.

Yes, they can. Our mom
taught us how a long time ago.

- Aw!
- Quick, everyone, give me your socks.

They're not gonna
stop coming for us.

We need to get somewhere
safe so this calf can be born

and I can continue my work.

Oh, Zeke captains a booze
cruise that sails out of the wharf.

It's pretty loud and
really overpriced,

but he can help us escape.

How do we get to the boat?

Well, we know
someone with a bus.

The Gene Machine?

Oh, man. Big fan.

We're looking for
a pregnant cow.

You haven't seen one, have you?

No, man!

I'm just here to
have a good time!

Rock on, Gene.

I can't do it any other way!

Come on, come
on. Move those udders.

No offense, but this cow
is not good at foosball.

So you arrive at the waterfront

and the bad guys
are right behind you.

And you don't know
this yet, but there are

bad guys right in
front of you, too.

The calf's about to be born!

Quick! In here!

Oh, wow.

And the calf is born,

thanks to you, Louise.

And there's shooting
all around you.

And, uh, explosions.

But when you come out,
with the little baby calf,

everything stops.

And you get to the boat
and you finish your research

and you figure out a
way for all the cows

to start having babies again.

Moo what?

So you basically save the world.

And just to say it, you
save burger restaurants, too.

And, uh, yeah, after
you get all the awards

and the world goes
back to normal,

you and your brother
and your sister decide

to open the restaurant
again. Just for fun.

But maybe we should
also do veggie burgers, right?

- 'Cause of all that cow stuff?
- And we sell the most beautiful fedoras.

Sure. And you should
all pursue your own things, also.

So, you can write
whatever you want

on your poster board, Louise,

but you don't have
to be so worried.

I mean, you do,
a little, you know,

because life can be tricky.

Yes, and life can
be boring sometimes.

And not feel special sometimes.

But it's also fun and
exciting other times.

And I know all three of you
are gonna do great things.

And I can't wait to see
what those things are.

- Ooh, I can't wait.
- Yeah.

And a lot of it
can be a surprise.

I-I didn't know I was gonna
have my own restaurant.

Or three kids.

Or that much body odor.

No, I-I knew I'd
have that, Gene.

- It's probably genetic.
- Oh, no.

Okay, knuckleheads, yeesh.

Go to bed. I got to
finish my homework.

- So, you're good?
- I'm good.

I feel better about
stuff. Thanks, guys.

Aw, you're welcome.

Actually, Mom,

do you want to get
started on this for me

and I'll give it a quick
look-see in the morning?

- Sure. Hand me a marker.
- Lin, no.

- Right, right.
- Fine. Never mind.

Oh, and I forgot to
memorize the state capitals.

- Mom, do your thing.
- On it. Albany. Oh, my God.