Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 12, Episode 21 - Some Like It Bot Part 1: Eighth Grade Runner - full transcript

Hey, new T-shirt
I bought with my own money.

You ready for your big debut?

Giddy-yup.

Tandy walks into school
wearing a T-shirt

with a cool graphic on it.

♪ ♪

Damn it. Stupid gum.

Tandy.

Tell me about it, stud.

Stud, like a horse?

♪ I got chills ♪



♪ They're multiplying... ♪

Kids! Breakfast!

Okay!

What, this old thing?

- Just kidding. It's new.
- It's not inside out,

like your shirt sometimes is,
so that's good.

I love it, hon.

But, uh, no buying stuff
for yourself anymore.

Seriously. Your birthday's
coming up. So stop it.

I can't believe
you can afford to buy a T-shirt

and bring your brother
and sister

to get boba today after school.

You can still afford to bring us
to boba today after school,

- right?
- Right?
- Yep.



Business is babysitting
and, baby, sitting is booming.

So boba day is on.

It's fine that I always...
pay for it.

'Cause that means
more punches for this guy.

Uh, yeah,
I have my own punch card.

- No big deal.
- Give me, give me, give me.

With the purchase
of a tenth boba,

we're eligible to receive a free
extra large super boba-ly boba

with extra boba balls.

And I don't know
if you know this,

but extra large is huge.

- Makes sense.
- Thank you.

- Extra balls!
- Gene.

Oof. We stayed up
too late last night.

Well, that's your fault, Father.

We wanted to go to bed
like good children,

and you were like, "No, watch
more movies on TV with me."

- Mm.
- And you insisted
we not finish our homework!

You stayed up?
What'd you guys watch?

The end of Grease

and the beginning
of Blade Runner.

The theme of the night was

"these are two movies
that are on."

Is Blade Runner good for kids?

- Oh, not at all.
- I like when robots
look like robots,

not like Rutger Hauer
in his prime.

WALL-E is more human
than all of you!

I like when robots
look like the Terminator

and they are the Terminator.

I like the movie
where the robot just has a face

and the rest of her is silver.
Best of both worlds, right?

So it's settled... we'll all
marry different kinds of robots.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Did you find out what Tina wants

- for her birthday?
- No, I forgot.

Let's work it into
the conversation now.

- Um, I can hear you.
- You hush.

This is all your fault,
getting older.

What do we get you
for your birthday?!

And take us to boba!

♪ ♪

In sports news,

the Wagstaff Whalers chess team

played some other school,
and I think they lost.

So, that's a bummer,
but, also, it's fine.

- Hey. Jimmy Jr.
- What?

Hi. I just wanted to make sure
I wasn't distracting you

or anything, with my new shirt.

- Huh? Oh. That's new?
- Shh! This is important.

...and I walked by and
I smelled it and it was gross.

And now for our new segment
Wow or Weird,

where we look at stuff
that people are doing

and tell you
if it's wow or weird.

And, yes, it's totally news.
Jocelyn?

Callie's new nail polish... wow.

Jason's eggplant sandwich
that he brought from home...

- weird.
- Tammy's new braces... wow.

- Oh, my gosh, really?
- Okay.

Jocelyn's new laugh...

- Wow.
- How about Tina's horse shirt?

- Mm, weird.
- Yeah, weird.

- And that's the news.
- - That went really well.

- So well.
- Guys, what the heck?

Tina, we're having a meeting.
We looked really good.

So good.

Pretty great day

- so far, huh?
- Yeah, we had customers
and everything.

- I don't even mind
cleaning the bathroom.
- Not it.

Oh, you're doing it. Great.

- Aah!
- What? What? What is it?

God, I thought
you fell in the urinal again.

Look.

"Bob's is crap."

- What the...?
- Someone ate here

and wrote on the wall

- that we're crap?
- It's just some dum-dum.

They don't even know
what they're writing.

Pooping can make people do
crazy things.

- The texts I've sent...
- - I'll go get something to wash it.

It's on there good, isn't it?
What kind of pen is this?

Ugh! Ugh! Bathroom wall! Ugh!

Hi, kids!

How was school?
Your father's in the bathroom,

scrubbing something off the
wall, and he's... totally fine.

Well, uh,
Tina's totally fine, too.

No one said anything not nice
about her new shirt,

and so we're here,

instead of getting
super boba with extra balls.

- Extra balls!
- Those jerks!

I hope whoever said something
about your shirt sits on a fork.

With sauce on it.
So it hurts and it stains.

Tina, why don't you go upstairs

and do something nice
for yourself?

Eat crackers in the bath.
That's what I do.

It gets a little mushy in there,

- but it's nice.
- Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm depressed, too.

- Can I get out of working?
- Uh-uh.

- Oh, fine.
- Mother,

may you never feel
this kind of pain.

And don't bring up childbirth.

No.

Judgy.

In a dark,

drizzly, dystopian future,

the Wag... stell Company

will make humanlike bots...

...to do manual labor.

♪ ♪

Amidst this drudgery, the bots

occasionally find small ways

to express themselves.

It's nice...

...but also risky.

Because their every move
is watched

and judged.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Ow. I'm okay.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I need your coat,
your shoes and your bike.

Oh, you're a mannequin.

Or a woman-equin?

I like your hair.

Hello there.

Nice night to do human stuff.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Uh...

Oh. Whoops.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Come in. Sit down.

Care if I talk? I'm kind of
nervous when I take tests.

Uh, please, don't move.

This thing is, like,
so hard to set up.

- Oh. Sorry.
- Okay.

You're in a desert,
when, all of a sudden,

you look down
and see a tortoise.

- Tortoise? What's that?
- Do you know what a turtle is?

Totally. Do you know what it is?

Yeah. You know,
they have the shells

and they sort of stick
their heads out like...

Right. Turtles.

You reach down. You flip
the tortoise over on its back.

The tortoise lays on its back,
beating its... legs,

trying to turn itself over, but
it can't, not without your help.

But you're not helping.

I'm sorry, can you start again?

I was thinking
of something else.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm kidding. I heard.

- Shall we continue?
- Sure.

Just adjusting something
under the table.

Don't even worry about it.

Well, the eye thing is off now,
so I got to fix it.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
I'm just dealing

with a different thing,
not a weapon pointed at you.

Okay. Focused.

Now, describe only the good
things that come to your mind

about your mother.

- My mother?
- Yeah.

Let me tell you about my mother.

Tina! Breakfast!

Gene, uh, was there
something you wanted to say?

About Tina?

Oh. Uh, just how much I...
love her.

Me, too. I love her so much.

And have you noticed
that she's gorgeous?

Please stop saying you love Tina
so she'll take you to boba.

It's unrelated.

Yeah, are you scared
of feelings, Father?

Tina, honey, look at me.

I'm gonna say
birthday present ideas

and you just smile at the ones
that make you happy.

Books. Arts and crafts.

Poster.

Nice bottle of wine.

Mom, I'm sorry!
I don't know, okay?!

Okay, okay.
Bob, you got to help me here.

Sorry. I'm a little preoccupied
about, you know,

how Bob's is crap.

You're not crap, Dad!

Whoever wrote that about you
is crap!

And we should flush them
down the toilet!

Mother, Father,
you're upsetting her.

This is not the time!

Tina, look at me now.

Boba? Yum, yum?

Boba, boba, boba, boba,
boba, boba.

I'm going to school.

- You blew it.
- You blew it.

And now the smash hit segment
Wow or Weird,

episode two,
"Wower and Weirder." Jocelyn?

Teresa's new necklace that
I think has a ladybug on it?

Weird. You should be able
to tell if it's a ladybug.

My new bands for my braces.
Purple, anyone?

So wow. So purple.

Recess. Shooting baskets?

More like shooting bad-skets.

Yeah. Weird-sketball.

- Hey!
- At least
I'm not in the news today.

And look at Tina's socks.
Kind of weird.

- Damn it!
- Jimmy Jr.'s run?

It's not not weird.
And the vest?

More like weird-st.

That's not cool, you guys.

He runs like an angel!

And the vest flaps behind him
like-like little wings!

♪ ♪

Sorry to interrupt again,
but what's your name?

Butt-erd. Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.

Hey, Butt-erd.

Aren't you done yet?
We need the room.

- Also, your vest is dumb.
- Yep.

Thanks. That's helpful.

Are you... okay?

I'm fine. It's just, you know,
you try something new

and you're taking some chances.

I like it.
People can be so judgy.

Who needs sleeves
on everything, right?

Right.

This test is stupid.

Yeah? I mean, yeah.

Do you want to go somewhere
and kiss each other's mouths?

I didn't know if I could play.

You can't.

- No.
- Let me see if I can play.

About the same.

Maybe we're both really good?

Should we kiss?
You mentioned something

- about that before?
- Okay.

You broke the rules,
Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.

You're supposed
to retrieve deviant bots

so they can be wiped,
not make out with them

while you play the piano,

using your strange scales.

Zaff! My colleague and rival
in the Bot Bagger division.

That's right. It's me, Zaff.

And that bot's about to get got.

You're in a lot of trouble, too,
mister. You're busted! Mm!

You think she's doing homework?

Lot of heavy breathing
for homework.

Yeah, it's the sexy fiction.

Hi. Bye. Sorry.

Okay, just real quick, jewelry?
Yes or no?

♪ ♪

Listen to me, please!

You don't want to bring me in
for wiping!

Zaff, think about
what our jobs are.

Retrieving bots to be wiped
and erasing all their memories,

any sense of identity
that they have.

I mean, thankfully,
I'm a human person,

so that'll never happen to me,
but imagine.

Well, uh, I hate
to tell you this, pal,

but you're one of them.

Me? A bot?

That's ridiculous.

I have all these memories
of my childhood.

Implants.
They're memories from the niece

of the head guy
of the company that made you.

But I remember them so clearly.

There was the one
from when I was a kid

and I watched
a spider make a web

and then I put a potato chip
in the web

and she was like,
"What is this?"

Oh.

Hold up. That's my memory.

What? Do you remember
when Anneleise Doucette

pulled your pigtail?

Holy smokes!

- Are we both bots? Jinx!
- Are we both bots? Jinx!

Why would they make you bots
who don't know you're bots?

What's the point?

Probably makes us better
at our jobs.

Wait, why?

Oh...

Because if we knew we were bots,
we'd be all like,

"Hey, I don't want
to get all these bots wiped.

I'm a bot, for bot's sake."

We've got to talk to someone
in the company that made us.

Someone in charge.

Yeah, that makes sense.

But, hey, Jimmy Butt-erd,
you want to wrestle first?

- Okay. Ow! Ow!
- I'm gonna get ya! Come on!

-Zaff, that's too rough!
-I got ya!
Yep, yep, I got excited.

She needed to talk
to someone on the inside

if anything was going to change.

On the outside of the inside.

Tina,
the Wow or Weird segment

is student-made programming.

We're learning about
freedom of the press, I think.

-But they're being mean!
-That's what we're learning...
that they are mean.

But, really, it's only mean
if you're one of the weirds.

- The wows love it.
- Ugh!

They're circling kids' clothing
and being judgy!

That touch screen technology
is pretty incredible, huh?

I was surprised we were able
to get that with our budget.

I feel like
you're not listening, Mr. Grant.

It's kind of the key
to the segment, I think.

You can see them drawing right
on the screen. The school said,

"You can get textbooks or
you can get the touch screen,"

and I was like,
"Hello! That's like asking,

'Do you want to go forward
or do you want to go backward?'"

And people perked up
at that point in the meeting,

I can tell you that.

Man, she's still in a huff.

Look at her huffin' all around.

H.R. Huff-nstuf.

We got to fix her,
if we ever want to taste

that extra large super boba-ly
boba with extra balls.

And we happen to know
the newsy little floozy

who's winding her up.

Yeah. Wait, who?

- You want us to do what now? Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

Go on the air and talk about
Tina's really great horse shirt.

No?

She's interested,
she's interested.

Or you publicly admit that
everything you said is garbage.

- Two good options.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, thanks so much for sharing
this feedback with us.

We'll totally take that
into consideration never.

Make my sister happy, damn it!

There's boba on the line!

Oh, my God.
So much spit came out.

No!

Not again! Gah!

Whoever did this,

if I catch you,
I will put you in my truck

- and I will...
- Teddy, Teddy, stop.

- Check, please.
- No one's leaving!

- Teddy!
- Oh, Bob.

- Dear, sweet Bob.
- What?

We need to get handwriting
samples from all of them!

- No. No.
- The marker... might
have stained their fingers.

-Like blood.
Let's check their fingers.
-Bob.

Everybody line up!
We're checking fingers!

None of these people
have been in the bathroom.

I'm 90% sure, okay?

It's actually a little strange.

That guy's had
three cups of coffee.

But whoever did this
is long gone, all right?

This isn't over!

- It's not over!
- Oh, my.

Restaurants, huh? So fun.

More coffee?

How's it going, Bob?

Who would do this?

Or is this a different person?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Okay, so you're doing good.
- What about this?

A small device... not a camera...

that's triggered by
extended contact with the wall.

Also, it is a camera.

Seems like
no ethical issues there.

We'd just have to run
a very light

electrical current
through the whole room.

You wouldn't want to get it wet,
I guess.

Perfect for a bathroom.
I approve this plan.

Teddy, not helping.

I think I need
to let go of boba,

to move on, to heal.

There must be
other chewy beverages, right?

No, Gene. We can't give up.

If we could just get into Tina's
huffy hormonal head somehow,

we could figure out what to say
to make her feel better.

Hmm. She's been up to her butt

in her erotic friend
fan fiction.

- Maybe we read that?
- If we can stomach it.

So many run-on sentences.

Ooh, you think maybe she writes
about possible birthday presents

and fun party activities
in those stories?

Maybe I could read 'em, too.

Maybe they'll give me
some ideas.

You mean maybe she wrote
an erotic story

about gift certificates?

- Yeah.
- The only problem is

she never leaves her room
these days.

- She's up there now.
- Well, she has to go to school,

- right?
- Right.

Gene and I will skip school.

This is more important.

We're all on the same page.

Nope, nope.
You guys go to school.

I'll look. Aw, Bobby.

You want me to go in there
and write something nice?

I thought of some stuff
last night. This one's good.

"Here I sit, all brokenhearted.

Bob is great
and he's just getting started."

- Aw.
- No. Thank you.

Or... maybe.

The guy from the bot company
said he'd meet us here?

He said
it's an unpopular restaurant

where no one will see him.
Sorry.

No, he's right. Please enjoy
your secret sketchy rendezvous.

Well, I've never been here
before,

but it seems very not crap.

All right!

So this bot company guy's
gonna give us some answers?

That's what he said.
He said, "I'll give you

- a bunch of answers."
- And we trust him?

He super-promised
not to tell anybody

about us being bots on the run.

Police say the bots

are dangerous
and also kind of weird.

- Guys.
- Oh, darn.

Well,
they still have to find us.

Bots in the unpopular
restaurant,

come out with your hands up!
We have you surrounded!

- Shoot.
- Well, at least
they don't have us surrounded.

Oh, wait. Ding-dang it.

We repeat,
come out with your bot hands up!

You're all getting super wiped!

Oops, I dead-bolted the door.

Hey, there's a bunch of cops
in the back alley. Oh.

Out in front, too, huh?

Yeah, we don't know
what that's about.

So strange.

Well, the windows
are bulletproof,

and the walls
are reinforced concrete.

I put all that in.
Very reasonable cost.

Yeah, 'cause things
got kind of dystopian

in this neighborhood.

You folks gonna order?

I could eat.

♪ What if they're right? ♪

♪ What if I'm weird ♪

♪ And better off wiped? ♪

♪ Front to back ♪

♪ All my cracks ♪

♪ What if they're right? ♪

♪ What if the me
that lives inside ♪

♪ Is something
I should try to hide? ♪

♪ What if they're right? ♪

♪ What if my vest is odd? ♪

♪ Okay if I ♪

♪ Still eat a burger
if I'm a bot? ♪

I'm hungry.

♪ Is it so bad
to steer off course? ♪

♪ And wear a shirt ♪

♪ With a really cool horse? ♪

♪ How do they know
what I feel in my soul ♪

♪ That I might just be poop
or crap? ♪

♪ Honey, I worry you're gettin'
a little too focused ♪

♪ On bathroom feedback ♪

♪ I thought
that we could have it all ♪

♪ We're never gonna taste ♪

♪ Those balls... ♪

♪ Feels like something's wrong
with me ♪

♪ And they know it ♪

♪ They took one look my way ♪

♪ And exposed it ♪

♪ I'm ready
to give up the fight ♪

♪ And just admit
that they are right. ♪

There is the secret tunnel.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. We have
a secret tunnel in the basement.

If that's, like,
something you're interested in.

It's for if things ever got
extra dystopian.

It opens out
at the end of the block.

Good if you need
to run out for wine, too.

- You zip out, you zip back.
- Okay, I'm embarrassed

we didn't mention
the secret tunnel before.

By the way,
nobody's peed in it ever.

Yep, yep, okay.
Uh, can we see it?

- Cool.
- Very cool.

Wait, watch out!

- No!
- You're coming with us.

We're taking you to the nearest
available wiping station.

- Hey, where is that?
- That's, uh,
Wagstell Manufacturing, Chief.

- Come on! Come on, let go!
- Come on!

- Jimmy Butt-erd!
- Run!

Oh, that's a lot to clean up.

I won't let them wipe you front
to back, Jimmy Butt-erd Jr.

I won't let them wipe anybody.

I have to do something.

I have to do something
to stop them.

It's kind of the key
to the segment.

You can see them drawing
right on the screen,

screen, screen, screen...

That's it, then.

I'm gonna touch
that touch screen hard.

With a hammer.

We have a hammer, right? Yeah.

We do. I guess it's hammer time.

♪ ♪

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