Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - Diarrhea of a Poopy Kid - full transcript
The family tries to cheer up Gene when a stomach flu makes him unable to eat Thanksgiving dinner.
♪ ♪
LINDA: Okay, uh, just get here
as soon as you can, okay, Gayle?
Oh, and by the way,
Gene has the stomach flu
and he's barfing
and has crazy diarrhea,
so he's spending Thanksgiving
in the apartment bathroom
and we all have to use
the bathroom in the restaurant.
What do you mean,
"which Gene?" Our son Gene.
The guy who you met
at the bank that time?
Why would Gene from the bank
come to our dinner?
(laughs): Get out of here.
All right, I'll see you soon.
Well, news flash,
I'm already tired of Gayle.
Yeah, me, too.
But she'd better hurry,
because my roasted pear
and Brie en croute appetizer
is gonna be done in 20 minutes.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Great. Yeah.
You guys are, uh, excited about
all the new,
innovative menu stuff
- I'm doing this year, right?
- About what?
My new, innovative
Thanksgiving menu.
Baked Brie and roasted pears
appetizer,
rosemary bread, sausage
and chestnut stuffing, and...
You know, I've been blogging
about it all morning, Dad...
- Yeah?
- ...and, ooh, what's this, an e-mail?
- Yeah?
- I just got a book deal.
Y-You got a book deal,
from your blog?
I got a book deal.
They want to print the blog.
I know that's
an imaginary computer, but...
can I see the e-mail?
Oh, sorry. It's confidential.
I really wish Gene wasn't sick.
He was so excited
about all this new food.
Aw, poor Gene, getting
stomach flu on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, you're supposed to have
a buffet, not a barf-et.
Well, hopefully
he's feeling a little better.
I'm gonna go give him
the sip test and find out.
- Wish me luck.
- Ooh, sip test.
Now this is exciting.
Sippee-ki-yay, mother-barfer.
Well, I'm excited about you.
(high-pitched): And we're
excited about you, old man.
(regular voice):
Wait, why'd you call me old?
(high-pitched): Sorry, it's
just, uh, it was a fun nickname.
Hi. How's my little
barfy baby boy?
Oh. I'm great.
Ooh, I love the eye shadow.
Yeah, I was bored and I found
some old makeup
in the medicine cabinet.
I also found some old medicine,
but I'm gonna sell it.
That's a great plan.
Also, I wrote a song.
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you, I need
your breast and thigh meat ♪
♪ And what's that hiding
in your hole? ♪
♪ Some stuffing
for my heart and soul ♪
♪ I could still be a winner ♪
♪ When I eat Dad's
Thanksgiving dinner. ♪
BOB (distant):
That was beautiful, Gene!
- Thank you, Father.
- Okay, it's time for the test.
You know the drill.
If you can keep some crackers
and ginger ale down
for 30 minutes without
barfing or juicy-pooping,
you can come out
for Thanksgiving dinner, okay?
If not, you got to stay
in here, honey.
This apartment's
too small for anyone
with the stomach flu
to be mingling.
It's our system and it works.
I bet he barfs in ten minutes.
Should we do a pool?
GENE: I am not gonna barf again.
I'm feeling great.
I'm eating. Mmm, mmm.
I'm drinking... (slurps)
And see? I'm fine.
- (shouts)
- (flatulence)
It's coming out both ways again!
Oh, God, I got to sit down...
No, I got to stand up.
- (retches)
- I'm so sorry, Gene,
but no Thanksgiving dinner
for you today, baby.
GENE: That wasn't me. That
was a pigeon that flew in here.
He seems very sick.
I can come to dinner.
I'm fine... (retching)
Here we go.
Brie and roasted pears.
Oh, I can't eat this.
I'm lactose intolerant, Bob.
You know a psychic told me that.
Yeah, Dad, you know
a psychic said that!
Uh, I guess you could just pick
the pears out and eat those.
The recipe called for apples,
but I used pears.
- TINA: So bold.
- (Gene moaning)
Oh, my God. My ghost Devin
must have followed me here.
- He's obsessed with me.
- That's not a ghost, Gayle.
- It's Gene.
- Girls, go check on him.
You doing okay in there?
How's the barf biz?
GENE:
I think I pooped out the part
of my brain that knew
everything that was happening
- on The Kominsky Method.
- Whoa. That's most of his brain.
Wait. Do I smell warm cheese?
Do you guys have Dad's
hot Brie out there?
- No.
- Ugh! It's bad enough
I have to smell the rosemary
bread baking in the oven.
I can't believe I'm missing
the best food day of the year!
It's not fair!
Is there anything
we can do for you?
Do you want us to do a dance?
Uh, I-I mean, we could do it
and then describe it to you?
GENE: Tell me a story.
Take my mind off this agony.
- What kind of story?
- A story about anything
other than food.
(gasps)
Wait, no. Make me hate food.
- Okay, okay. You want to hate food?
- Yeah.
(chuckles) I'll make food
wish it'd never been born.
So, it was Thanksgiving Day,
1987.
But inside the chopper
of the elite special forces unt
led by
Gene "Dutch Oven" Belcher,
no one was celebrating.
The Melted Butter River.
Beautiful but deadly.
- What?
- I said "The Melted Butter..."
I can't hear you.
The helicopter's too loud!
-What? -Huh? -What?
- GENE: Never mind.
- COURTNEY: What?
Welcome to the jungle.
(chuckles) Like in the song.
Come on, follow me. Let's move.
All right, here's the deal.
The cabinet minister
went across the border
on some kind of mission that
I'm not gonna explain right now
'cause it really... it was
just to set the plot in motion.
- Right.
- Anyways, lot of action in the Wheat Jungle this time of year.
People smuggling wheat
to make fresh rosemary bread
for Thanksgiving dinner.
Thanksgiving dinner?
I never eat it,
because I don't thank the world.
- LOUISE: It thanks you...
- It thanks me...
BOTH: ...for saving it.
Well, if it isn't old
Dutch Oven.
If you smelt it,
you know I dealt it.
Sorry I'm so strong.
Sorry I'm so strong.
But even Dutch Oven wasn't ready
for what was about to happen.
Because waiting for them
out there in the wheat trees...
Wait. Wheat doesn't actually
grow on trees, it grows...
- Oh, my God, Tina.
- Oh, oh, okay.
I was just getting
to the exciting part.
GENE:
Uh, plus, I'm pretty sure wheat
- grows on trees.
- Correct, Gene.
Like I said,
waiting for them out there
was the most terrifying creatue
that special effects
could make in the year 1987...
(sinister laughter)
...the Bread-ator.
So, Bread-ator. It's like
Predator, but made of bread?
Yes, exactly.
And Gene is going to hate bread
by the time the story is over.
♪ ♪
COURTNEY: That
helicopter is all messed up.
GENE:
And the whole crew is gone.
Yeah, maybe they went
to go look for snacks.
Or they became snacks.
GENE: (gasps) Mother of Mindy.
That's the cabinet minister
and his security detail.
- Are they dead?
- No. They're breathing.
But it looks like they've been
turned into human carbs.
LINDA: Hey! What are
you doing on my turf?
There must have been
a mi-mi-mi-mix-up.
- Gayle, take their weapons.
- Okay.
- Who are these guys?
- Just some local smugglers.
Let me do the talking.
Look, Linda,
we're not here for you.
Got a couple of our guys turned
into freaky-flaky pastries
by some kind of psycho.
So just let us go so we can find
- whoever did this.
- Wowzers.
Those are some
creepy croissants.
- (weapon fires)
- (screaming)
GENE: They got twisted up.
LOUISE: The Bread-ator
started firing huge globs
of unbaked dough
at the squadron,
but it could make itself
invisible so they couldn't see
- the monster as it attacked.
- Take cover!
- (grunts) -
(Bread-ator laughing)
I'll load the Bun Blaster!
- Who's firing at us?
- Not "who." "What." Look.
- (groaning) - LINDA: Oh,
I got 'em!
LOUISE: Get down!
- (weapon fires) - No...!
- Better bread than dead.
- Hey, this one can talk.
Wounding that thing
must've made it less powerful.
LINDA: Oh, my face!
Oh, no.
BREAD-ATOR: Ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- We got to go after it.
- No, no.
We've got too many people
turned into bread products already.
I need you to go back
to the camp on foot
and come back here with a
chopper and some Saran Wrap
so we can keep our
friends from going stale.
What about the monster?
That doughboy is about
to step into the oven.
The Dutch Oven.
- Ah, what a cool thing to say.
- I know. Now go.
Ooh. I look good.
I'm just gonna eat one of me.
- Hey. Get back here.
- Don't eat me. I'm you, stupid.
LOUISE: Dutch Oven
tracks the Bread-atr
along the edge of the
Melted Butter River.
And then it attacks
him and they do
the classic action
movie roll-around fight.
And then Dutch
falls into the river...
and tumbles over the butterfall.
Oh, no,
I'm tumbling over the butterfall!
- Ugh.
- LOUISE: And when Dutch Oven
crawled up on shore
coated in butter,
he made a surprising discovery.
It can't see me when
I'm coated in butter.
How convenient.
I can't believe it is butter.
- Time to carbo-load.
- (flames whoosh)
(shouts)
Your bread is buttered.
(screams)
Goodbye,
gluten mutant. You're toast.
- What a cool thing to say.
- Thank you.
Let's go pick up
our bakery order.
I... don't get it.
Go pick up our friends
who turned into bread.
Got it, got it. That is also
a very cool thing to say.
- LOUISE: Oh, I know.
- GENE: I'm really sorry I ruined it.
LOUISE: You did, but it's fine.
And that was the
end. Until the sequel.
So do you hate bread now?
Mm, maybe a little,
but I still love
every other food.
- And probably still bread.
- BOB: Guys, I need you
- to set the table.
- Oh, unfortunately,
my story didn't make
Gene completely hate food.
Now Tina needs to tell him a
story where food is the enemy.
And also, I need to be here
in case her glasses fall off.
- (shouts) Oh, no. I can't see.
- I got them.
Uh, okay. Wait,
why is food the enemy?
GENE: Because if I can't love it,
I have to hate it, Father.
So, I guess I'll set the table,
then?
- Seems like the best plan.
- Just have fun with it.
GENE: So Tina,
what's your story about?
TINA: Oh, um...
My story is about pears.
You think pears are just a
fruit that Gene might like to eat.
But he wouldn't, because pears can be very,
very dangerous.
The year was 1997,
and Presidet Gene Harrison-Ford Belcher
was giving an important
speech in a foreign land.
Apple-achia.
And I thank the people of
Apple-achia for welcoming me
to their beautiful country
and allowing me to eat
your many varieties.
The United States hopes to have
a long and fruitful
relationship with you.
- Pause for laughter.
- (laughter)
He's gonna eat us and I like it.
(laughs)
Wait, they want to be eaten?
- Yeah. They want to be eaten.
- Okay.
No further questions, then.
Gene President
Harrison-Ford Belcher out.
TINA: But there was one table in
the room who wasn't very happy.
The delegation from Pear-is.
Later,
President Gene Harrison-Ford Belcher
was on his way
back to Air Force One.
Sir, just wanted to remind
you that the delegation
from Pear-is will be
aboard your plane,
and they'd like to
try to convince you
that pears are just
as delicious as apples.
Okay,
but mostly I just want to catch up
on The Kominsky
Method and see my wife.
Of course, sir. We have all
the episodes streaming on VHS
because it's 1997.
JOCELYN: Hi.
Welcome to Air Force One
or whatever.
Can we get a tour
of the entire plane?
Yeah,
we don't want to do anything weird on it
or anything, we just,
uh, want to know
where all the
security and stuff is.
Okay. I'm not
suspicious of you at all.
- (cheering) - Bye-bye, Apples.
Hello, Chief of Staff Gayle
and Chief of Cats Mr. Business.
- (meows) -Let's get my
derriere in the airy-air.
Right away, sir.
Your wife is waiting
for you in your office, sir.
- Hey, Gene. - GENE: Nah.
I don't want to be
married to Courtney.
- TINA: Oh, okay, um, Tammy.
- GENE: I'll take Mom.
Oh, um, that's a little...
I am sick and I get what I want!
May you continue?
Hello, President Husband.
TINA: So President Gene
Harrison-Ford Belcher
and his wife, Mom,
buckled their seat belts for takeoff.
GENE: Well,
I hope nothing goes wrong on this flight.
LINDA: I'm sure it won't.
Nothing ever goes
wrong on Air Force One.
- (women screaming) - Attention,
everybody!
We have taken over this
plane in order to prove
that pears are just
as delicious as apples.
And we're gonna do that by
taking your president hostage!
You'll see,
it's a pretty good plan.
- You want to say anything?
- Uh, yeah.
We're changing the
call sign of this plane
to Pear Force One.
I said the plane is
now Pear Force One.
You know, 'cause we're pears.
What are you holding?
They're fruit peelers.
You know what happens
if we use them on you.
Our skin comes off?
Worse... your clothes come off!
You'll be completely naked!
W-Wait, Tina,
Gene asked for "foods," not "nudes."
GENE: Just keep it PG-Flirteen,
huh?
Sir,
the pears have hijacked the plane.
We need to get you
down to the escape pod.
Uh, hello,
what about me, his wife?
Sorry, ma'am, wives have to stay
on board and possibly be killed.
Aw, poop. (gasps) Pears!
- You're our hostage now.
- And our best friend?
Get in the escape pod,
sir. The country needs you alive.
- Ms. Vice President Courtney Glenn-Close Wheeler?
- Yeah?
We need to get you down
to the Situation Room.
- No. - What? No, please do.
- Okay.
- All right, thank you for working with me.
Is President Gene
Harrison-Ford Belcher secure yet?
Not yet, and we've just received
a message from the pears.
They're gonna peel off
the clothes of one hostage
every 15 minutes until
everyone in America
starts eating pears as
much as they eat apples.
- (gasps) -And there are a
lot of people on that plane
who might get their
clothes peeled off...
The Boyz 4 Now,
a young Hugh Grant,
old Hugh Grant,
all three Property Brothers,
even the one who
doesn't do property stuff.
- Tina!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry. Uh, meanwhile...
the president's
escape pod landed.
(meows)
President Gene
Harrison-Ford Belcher
didn't do escape pods.
He wasn't in the Army,
the Navy, the CIA
and the Girl Scouts
just to give up that easily.
Get me Vice President
Courtney Glenn-Close Wheeler.
Mr. President,
I understand. Be careful.
No, I'll be pear-ful.
COURTNEY: What?
(grunting)
Uh, hey, pear guys,
um, you know what,
I don't even like apples.
Stop trying to cozy up to us,
Mrs. President's Wife Mom.
It's time to give
this fruit the boot.
(pears whimper)
Hey, you made my friend nude!
- So nude. - Oh, no.
LOUISE: Wait, so...
fruits are naked
under their peels?
- Yeah, their peels are like their clothes.
- Got it.
Ah, now I'm nude, too!
Don't look at my
little Bartlett butt-let!
- Tina! - Yep, yep, moving on.
Everybody find
something to hold on to!
'Cause I'm about
to make fruit salad.
- Get off my plane!
- Do what now?
- (shouting) - Get off my plane!
Owie!
- Get off my plane! - Okay!
- Get off my plane.
- This is your plane?
(all screaming)
Husband, you saved us!
Yeah, I did.
- Now give me a big old...
- (explosion)
Oh,
no! They must've sabotaged the engine!
- We're gonna crash!
- We're doomed.
Not yet we aren't. Give
me my presidential stapler.
TINA: And President
Gene Harrison-Ford Belcher
climbed onto the top of the plane,
which was easy
for him because of
his Girl Scout training,
unfurled the pear-achute,
and the plane landed safely.
From this day forward,
no one will eat pears,
especially not on Thanksgiving.
And my mom is my wife! Go USA!
- The end.
- GENE: Thank you, Tina.
Great story and it kind
of made me hate pears,
but I would still murder
both of you for a single bite
of that Brie,
I swear to God I would.
I know, Gene, I know.
Just gonna grab the wine and,
oh,
I forgot to throw this old
chicken parmesan out.
Oh. Oh, no. Gene.
Oh, boy. Uh...
Hey, everybody, uh,
uh, come in for dinner.
Uch! Turkey again?
You make this every year.
Yes, Gayle,
it's-it's Thanksgiving.
Okay, guys,
time to sit down for...
(whispers): you know what.
GENE: Don't patronize me,
Father!
I know you're gonna
eat that turkey now.
Well, you know, they are.
Um, I'm gonna stay here.
And I could tell you a story.
GENE: It's okay,
Dad, you can go eat.
I know how much
you love Thanksgiving.
No, no, I-I-I actually really
do want to tell you a story.
Um, and, you know,
I ate so much food
while I was cooking. Like... like,
a lot.
- Don't rub it in!
- Sorry, sorry.
Um, anyway, so, uh,
action movies, huh?
Is that what I was hearing?
Okay, uh, listen,
this is the story
of Gene Marinara,
owner of one of the most successful,
uh...
marinara rigs in the world. Hey.
- What are you guys doing?
- We want to hear the story.
And we should
probably help you tell it,
because you are, you know,
not that great with words or ideas.
Thank you. I thought I was
off to a pretty good start.
We'll be the harsh
judges of that.
Anyway, like I said,
Gene Marinara
was the best marinara
rig operator in the world.
He had everything... The best crew,
the best gear.
But what he didn't know
was that far away at the,
uh, the...
- space place... - TINA: NASA?
BOB: Yes, NASA. A very smart
space... science person named...
- GAYLE: Gayle! - BOB: Fine.
Gayle was about to
discover something bad.
Son of a space thing.
What was it? What did I see?
An asteroid made
of chicken parmesan
the size of Texas,
headed to destroy
life on Earth as we know it.
Wait, what was it made of?
- BOB: Chicken parmesan, Gene.
- Oh.
That's right,
I'm talking about Parmageddon.
Parmageddon... I get it. But...
we've been doing
Thanksgiving foods.
Well,
this is kind of a Thanksgiving food.
I-It's related.
So at the NASA,
a bunch of people decided...
We need to go up there
and blow up that big
piece of chicken parm!
Scientifically.
We drill inside,
fill it with hot marinara,
- and then... - Kaboom, daddy!
We just got to find a guy
who's really good at drilling
and probably wears a tank top.
Let her rip!
Whoo-hoo!
- Red gold!
- Boy, he sure can drill.
- And he sure can eat. - Yep.
That's why they call
him the Sauce Boss.
Wait, Dad. Um,
food is supposed to be the enemy.
It is, kind of. You'll see.
Ooh, suspense,
I love it! Like Knives In!
Um, I think it's Knives Out.
No, it's like, ow, ow,
knives in you, I think.
I don't know. Movies
are too expensive.
- I didn't see it.
- Anyway, Gene finishes
his spaghetti
just in time to see
a very official government
Jet Ski pull up to the rig
with a big request to make.
The United States government
just asked us to save the world.
Anyone want to say
no? You know what?
I'll send an Evite,
but please RSVP by tonight.
United States
astronauts train for years.
You have 12 minutes.
- Tell me what you see.
- Pierce Brosnan.
- Me robbing a bank?
- Oh, it's Pierce Brosnan.
It's a... a shape.
Lasagna. No, risotto. No,
Pierce Brosnan!
They're ready.
Have fun in space, Sauce Boss!
- MAN: Three, two, one.
- BOB: And so the fearless crew headed
for the gigantic piece
of chicken parmesan.
GENE: Mamma mia,
that's a spicy meatball.
Let's suit up.
All right, we get out there,
we stuff this baby
with marinara,
and then we get back in here
and we're home to our wives
by dinner.
Uh, Mom's my wife, right?
- Um, what?
- Mom was Gene's wife in my story.
Aw, sweet.
We all need to have
a talk as a family.
Don't be a prude, Bob.
(chuckles) I-I-I don't think it's,
uh, prudish.
I... all right, maybe it is.
Uh, you know what,
it's fine. Anyway...
the entire crew made it onto the
surface of the chicken parmesan,
but then something went wrong.
This cheesy crust is too thick.
Our drill can't get through it.
- Oh, no. Poor Earth!
- TINA: Shoot.
I live there. Is there
anything we can do?
There's nothing we can do.
But there's something I can do.
Gene, no, y-you don't mean...
I do mean.
I feel like chicken tonight.
All I need is a jet
pack and a napkin.
BOB: The crew returned to Earth,
but Gene stayed out in space and he
ate that space chicken
one bite at a time.
He, uh, you know,
he had to take off his helmet,
hold his breath, eat a bite,
then put his helmet back on,
and... You get it, right?
- LOUISE: Perfect.
- Gene, you have to finish!
You're about to enter
Earth's atmosphere.
GENE: So full! Let me just open
the top button of my space suit.
Okay, last bite! (munching)
- He did it! - Yeah!
Oh, God, it's coming back up!
BOB: And then Gene Marinara
diarrheaed and vomited
all that chicken back up,
and it rained hot chicken
poop shooting stars
all around the world,
which was kind of gross,
but also beautiful.
And everyone was fine,
and Gene was fine
because he had a jet pack.
The Earth was saved,
and all because Gene had the courage
to eat a chicken
parmesan the size of Texas.
(belches) Excuse me.
The end.
GENE: So I guess
you figured out that
I ate some of that kind of
rotten chicken parmesan
- that you told me not to eat?
- Yeah.
- I-I saw the bites. - What?
GENE: Mom...
I don't have stomach flu.
I-I have food poisoning.
Last night,
I was in the kitchen with Dad.
Can I eat some turkey?
No, it's not cooked.
- Bread dough?
- It's rising, don't touch it.
How about this old
chicken parmesan?
Gene, no,
definitely don't eat that.
That's from, like,
two weeks ago.
- Please?
- No! I'm leaving it in there,
Gene, till I take out the trash.
I could eat it and
save you the trip.
Gene, go to bed.
GENE: And I did go to bed.
But later I got
up and I ate some
of that old chicken parmesan
in the middle of the night.
And I didn't want to tell you
because I was embarrassed
that I basically ate garbage.
I just love to eat!
Gene,
it-it's great that you love to eat.
I-I love to feed you.
And you're the only one who was
really interested in my
innovative new menu.
It's just a shame you
didn't get to taste it.
You know,
I-I was like you when I was a kid.
That's how I got
interested in cooking.
And as soon as you
pass that sip test,
I'll eat dinner with you.
Well, surprise,
I've been nibbling
and juicing for the last 30 minutes,
baby!
Gene, that's great!
Father, feed me that turkey!
Yay! Let's all eat at the table.
All right. Oh, wa... oh, no!
- Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Oh, no, no, no!
- (splashing) - It's
coming out of everywhere!
Get in the tub! Get in the tub!
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you,
I need your breast and thigh meat ♪
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you,
I need your breast and thigh meat ♪
♪ And what's that
hiding in your hole? ♪
- ♪ Giblets, stuffing, gravy ♪ -♪
Some stuffing for my heart and soul ♪
- ♪ I could still be a
winner ♪ - (vocalizing)
♪ When I eat that
Thanksgiving dinner ♪
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you, I need
your breast and thigh meat. ♪
LINDA: Okay, uh, just get here
as soon as you can, okay, Gayle?
Oh, and by the way,
Gene has the stomach flu
and he's barfing
and has crazy diarrhea,
so he's spending Thanksgiving
in the apartment bathroom
and we all have to use
the bathroom in the restaurant.
What do you mean,
"which Gene?" Our son Gene.
The guy who you met
at the bank that time?
Why would Gene from the bank
come to our dinner?
(laughs): Get out of here.
All right, I'll see you soon.
Well, news flash,
I'm already tired of Gayle.
Yeah, me, too.
But she'd better hurry,
because my roasted pear
and Brie en croute appetizer
is gonna be done in 20 minutes.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Great. Yeah.
You guys are, uh, excited about
all the new,
innovative menu stuff
- I'm doing this year, right?
- About what?
My new, innovative
Thanksgiving menu.
Baked Brie and roasted pears
appetizer,
rosemary bread, sausage
and chestnut stuffing, and...
You know, I've been blogging
about it all morning, Dad...
- Yeah?
- ...and, ooh, what's this, an e-mail?
- Yeah?
- I just got a book deal.
Y-You got a book deal,
from your blog?
I got a book deal.
They want to print the blog.
I know that's
an imaginary computer, but...
can I see the e-mail?
Oh, sorry. It's confidential.
I really wish Gene wasn't sick.
He was so excited
about all this new food.
Aw, poor Gene, getting
stomach flu on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, you're supposed to have
a buffet, not a barf-et.
Well, hopefully
he's feeling a little better.
I'm gonna go give him
the sip test and find out.
- Wish me luck.
- Ooh, sip test.
Now this is exciting.
Sippee-ki-yay, mother-barfer.
Well, I'm excited about you.
(high-pitched): And we're
excited about you, old man.
(regular voice):
Wait, why'd you call me old?
(high-pitched): Sorry, it's
just, uh, it was a fun nickname.
Hi. How's my little
barfy baby boy?
Oh. I'm great.
Ooh, I love the eye shadow.
Yeah, I was bored and I found
some old makeup
in the medicine cabinet.
I also found some old medicine,
but I'm gonna sell it.
That's a great plan.
Also, I wrote a song.
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you, I need
your breast and thigh meat ♪
♪ And what's that hiding
in your hole? ♪
♪ Some stuffing
for my heart and soul ♪
♪ I could still be a winner ♪
♪ When I eat Dad's
Thanksgiving dinner. ♪
BOB (distant):
That was beautiful, Gene!
- Thank you, Father.
- Okay, it's time for the test.
You know the drill.
If you can keep some crackers
and ginger ale down
for 30 minutes without
barfing or juicy-pooping,
you can come out
for Thanksgiving dinner, okay?
If not, you got to stay
in here, honey.
This apartment's
too small for anyone
with the stomach flu
to be mingling.
It's our system and it works.
I bet he barfs in ten minutes.
Should we do a pool?
GENE: I am not gonna barf again.
I'm feeling great.
I'm eating. Mmm, mmm.
I'm drinking... (slurps)
And see? I'm fine.
- (shouts)
- (flatulence)
It's coming out both ways again!
Oh, God, I got to sit down...
No, I got to stand up.
- (retches)
- I'm so sorry, Gene,
but no Thanksgiving dinner
for you today, baby.
GENE: That wasn't me. That
was a pigeon that flew in here.
He seems very sick.
I can come to dinner.
I'm fine... (retching)
Here we go.
Brie and roasted pears.
Oh, I can't eat this.
I'm lactose intolerant, Bob.
You know a psychic told me that.
Yeah, Dad, you know
a psychic said that!
Uh, I guess you could just pick
the pears out and eat those.
The recipe called for apples,
but I used pears.
- TINA: So bold.
- (Gene moaning)
Oh, my God. My ghost Devin
must have followed me here.
- He's obsessed with me.
- That's not a ghost, Gayle.
- It's Gene.
- Girls, go check on him.
You doing okay in there?
How's the barf biz?
GENE:
I think I pooped out the part
of my brain that knew
everything that was happening
- on The Kominsky Method.
- Whoa. That's most of his brain.
Wait. Do I smell warm cheese?
Do you guys have Dad's
hot Brie out there?
- No.
- Ugh! It's bad enough
I have to smell the rosemary
bread baking in the oven.
I can't believe I'm missing
the best food day of the year!
It's not fair!
Is there anything
we can do for you?
Do you want us to do a dance?
Uh, I-I mean, we could do it
and then describe it to you?
GENE: Tell me a story.
Take my mind off this agony.
- What kind of story?
- A story about anything
other than food.
(gasps)
Wait, no. Make me hate food.
- Okay, okay. You want to hate food?
- Yeah.
(chuckles) I'll make food
wish it'd never been born.
So, it was Thanksgiving Day,
1987.
But inside the chopper
of the elite special forces unt
led by
Gene "Dutch Oven" Belcher,
no one was celebrating.
The Melted Butter River.
Beautiful but deadly.
- What?
- I said "The Melted Butter..."
I can't hear you.
The helicopter's too loud!
-What? -Huh? -What?
- GENE: Never mind.
- COURTNEY: What?
Welcome to the jungle.
(chuckles) Like in the song.
Come on, follow me. Let's move.
All right, here's the deal.
The cabinet minister
went across the border
on some kind of mission that
I'm not gonna explain right now
'cause it really... it was
just to set the plot in motion.
- Right.
- Anyways, lot of action in the Wheat Jungle this time of year.
People smuggling wheat
to make fresh rosemary bread
for Thanksgiving dinner.
Thanksgiving dinner?
I never eat it,
because I don't thank the world.
- LOUISE: It thanks you...
- It thanks me...
BOTH: ...for saving it.
Well, if it isn't old
Dutch Oven.
If you smelt it,
you know I dealt it.
Sorry I'm so strong.
Sorry I'm so strong.
But even Dutch Oven wasn't ready
for what was about to happen.
Because waiting for them
out there in the wheat trees...
Wait. Wheat doesn't actually
grow on trees, it grows...
- Oh, my God, Tina.
- Oh, oh, okay.
I was just getting
to the exciting part.
GENE:
Uh, plus, I'm pretty sure wheat
- grows on trees.
- Correct, Gene.
Like I said,
waiting for them out there
was the most terrifying creatue
that special effects
could make in the year 1987...
(sinister laughter)
...the Bread-ator.
So, Bread-ator. It's like
Predator, but made of bread?
Yes, exactly.
And Gene is going to hate bread
by the time the story is over.
♪ ♪
COURTNEY: That
helicopter is all messed up.
GENE:
And the whole crew is gone.
Yeah, maybe they went
to go look for snacks.
Or they became snacks.
GENE: (gasps) Mother of Mindy.
That's the cabinet minister
and his security detail.
- Are they dead?
- No. They're breathing.
But it looks like they've been
turned into human carbs.
LINDA: Hey! What are
you doing on my turf?
There must have been
a mi-mi-mi-mix-up.
- Gayle, take their weapons.
- Okay.
- Who are these guys?
- Just some local smugglers.
Let me do the talking.
Look, Linda,
we're not here for you.
Got a couple of our guys turned
into freaky-flaky pastries
by some kind of psycho.
So just let us go so we can find
- whoever did this.
- Wowzers.
Those are some
creepy croissants.
- (weapon fires)
- (screaming)
GENE: They got twisted up.
LOUISE: The Bread-ator
started firing huge globs
of unbaked dough
at the squadron,
but it could make itself
invisible so they couldn't see
- the monster as it attacked.
- Take cover!
- (grunts) -
(Bread-ator laughing)
I'll load the Bun Blaster!
- Who's firing at us?
- Not "who." "What." Look.
- (groaning) - LINDA: Oh,
I got 'em!
LOUISE: Get down!
- (weapon fires) - No...!
- Better bread than dead.
- Hey, this one can talk.
Wounding that thing
must've made it less powerful.
LINDA: Oh, my face!
Oh, no.
BREAD-ATOR: Ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- We got to go after it.
- No, no.
We've got too many people
turned into bread products already.
I need you to go back
to the camp on foot
and come back here with a
chopper and some Saran Wrap
so we can keep our
friends from going stale.
What about the monster?
That doughboy is about
to step into the oven.
The Dutch Oven.
- Ah, what a cool thing to say.
- I know. Now go.
Ooh. I look good.
I'm just gonna eat one of me.
- Hey. Get back here.
- Don't eat me. I'm you, stupid.
LOUISE: Dutch Oven
tracks the Bread-atr
along the edge of the
Melted Butter River.
And then it attacks
him and they do
the classic action
movie roll-around fight.
And then Dutch
falls into the river...
and tumbles over the butterfall.
Oh, no,
I'm tumbling over the butterfall!
- Ugh.
- LOUISE: And when Dutch Oven
crawled up on shore
coated in butter,
he made a surprising discovery.
It can't see me when
I'm coated in butter.
How convenient.
I can't believe it is butter.
- Time to carbo-load.
- (flames whoosh)
(shouts)
Your bread is buttered.
(screams)
Goodbye,
gluten mutant. You're toast.
- What a cool thing to say.
- Thank you.
Let's go pick up
our bakery order.
I... don't get it.
Go pick up our friends
who turned into bread.
Got it, got it. That is also
a very cool thing to say.
- LOUISE: Oh, I know.
- GENE: I'm really sorry I ruined it.
LOUISE: You did, but it's fine.
And that was the
end. Until the sequel.
So do you hate bread now?
Mm, maybe a little,
but I still love
every other food.
- And probably still bread.
- BOB: Guys, I need you
- to set the table.
- Oh, unfortunately,
my story didn't make
Gene completely hate food.
Now Tina needs to tell him a
story where food is the enemy.
And also, I need to be here
in case her glasses fall off.
- (shouts) Oh, no. I can't see.
- I got them.
Uh, okay. Wait,
why is food the enemy?
GENE: Because if I can't love it,
I have to hate it, Father.
So, I guess I'll set the table,
then?
- Seems like the best plan.
- Just have fun with it.
GENE: So Tina,
what's your story about?
TINA: Oh, um...
My story is about pears.
You think pears are just a
fruit that Gene might like to eat.
But he wouldn't, because pears can be very,
very dangerous.
The year was 1997,
and Presidet Gene Harrison-Ford Belcher
was giving an important
speech in a foreign land.
Apple-achia.
And I thank the people of
Apple-achia for welcoming me
to their beautiful country
and allowing me to eat
your many varieties.
The United States hopes to have
a long and fruitful
relationship with you.
- Pause for laughter.
- (laughter)
He's gonna eat us and I like it.
(laughs)
Wait, they want to be eaten?
- Yeah. They want to be eaten.
- Okay.
No further questions, then.
Gene President
Harrison-Ford Belcher out.
TINA: But there was one table in
the room who wasn't very happy.
The delegation from Pear-is.
Later,
President Gene Harrison-Ford Belcher
was on his way
back to Air Force One.
Sir, just wanted to remind
you that the delegation
from Pear-is will be
aboard your plane,
and they'd like to
try to convince you
that pears are just
as delicious as apples.
Okay,
but mostly I just want to catch up
on The Kominsky
Method and see my wife.
Of course, sir. We have all
the episodes streaming on VHS
because it's 1997.
JOCELYN: Hi.
Welcome to Air Force One
or whatever.
Can we get a tour
of the entire plane?
Yeah,
we don't want to do anything weird on it
or anything, we just,
uh, want to know
where all the
security and stuff is.
Okay. I'm not
suspicious of you at all.
- (cheering) - Bye-bye, Apples.
Hello, Chief of Staff Gayle
and Chief of Cats Mr. Business.
- (meows) -Let's get my
derriere in the airy-air.
Right away, sir.
Your wife is waiting
for you in your office, sir.
- Hey, Gene. - GENE: Nah.
I don't want to be
married to Courtney.
- TINA: Oh, okay, um, Tammy.
- GENE: I'll take Mom.
Oh, um, that's a little...
I am sick and I get what I want!
May you continue?
Hello, President Husband.
TINA: So President Gene
Harrison-Ford Belcher
and his wife, Mom,
buckled their seat belts for takeoff.
GENE: Well,
I hope nothing goes wrong on this flight.
LINDA: I'm sure it won't.
Nothing ever goes
wrong on Air Force One.
- (women screaming) - Attention,
everybody!
We have taken over this
plane in order to prove
that pears are just
as delicious as apples.
And we're gonna do that by
taking your president hostage!
You'll see,
it's a pretty good plan.
- You want to say anything?
- Uh, yeah.
We're changing the
call sign of this plane
to Pear Force One.
I said the plane is
now Pear Force One.
You know, 'cause we're pears.
What are you holding?
They're fruit peelers.
You know what happens
if we use them on you.
Our skin comes off?
Worse... your clothes come off!
You'll be completely naked!
W-Wait, Tina,
Gene asked for "foods," not "nudes."
GENE: Just keep it PG-Flirteen,
huh?
Sir,
the pears have hijacked the plane.
We need to get you
down to the escape pod.
Uh, hello,
what about me, his wife?
Sorry, ma'am, wives have to stay
on board and possibly be killed.
Aw, poop. (gasps) Pears!
- You're our hostage now.
- And our best friend?
Get in the escape pod,
sir. The country needs you alive.
- Ms. Vice President Courtney Glenn-Close Wheeler?
- Yeah?
We need to get you down
to the Situation Room.
- No. - What? No, please do.
- Okay.
- All right, thank you for working with me.
Is President Gene
Harrison-Ford Belcher secure yet?
Not yet, and we've just received
a message from the pears.
They're gonna peel off
the clothes of one hostage
every 15 minutes until
everyone in America
starts eating pears as
much as they eat apples.
- (gasps) -And there are a
lot of people on that plane
who might get their
clothes peeled off...
The Boyz 4 Now,
a young Hugh Grant,
old Hugh Grant,
all three Property Brothers,
even the one who
doesn't do property stuff.
- Tina!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry. Uh, meanwhile...
the president's
escape pod landed.
(meows)
President Gene
Harrison-Ford Belcher
didn't do escape pods.
He wasn't in the Army,
the Navy, the CIA
and the Girl Scouts
just to give up that easily.
Get me Vice President
Courtney Glenn-Close Wheeler.
Mr. President,
I understand. Be careful.
No, I'll be pear-ful.
COURTNEY: What?
(grunting)
Uh, hey, pear guys,
um, you know what,
I don't even like apples.
Stop trying to cozy up to us,
Mrs. President's Wife Mom.
It's time to give
this fruit the boot.
(pears whimper)
Hey, you made my friend nude!
- So nude. - Oh, no.
LOUISE: Wait, so...
fruits are naked
under their peels?
- Yeah, their peels are like their clothes.
- Got it.
Ah, now I'm nude, too!
Don't look at my
little Bartlett butt-let!
- Tina! - Yep, yep, moving on.
Everybody find
something to hold on to!
'Cause I'm about
to make fruit salad.
- Get off my plane!
- Do what now?
- (shouting) - Get off my plane!
Owie!
- Get off my plane! - Okay!
- Get off my plane.
- This is your plane?
(all screaming)
Husband, you saved us!
Yeah, I did.
- Now give me a big old...
- (explosion)
Oh,
no! They must've sabotaged the engine!
- We're gonna crash!
- We're doomed.
Not yet we aren't. Give
me my presidential stapler.
TINA: And President
Gene Harrison-Ford Belcher
climbed onto the top of the plane,
which was easy
for him because of
his Girl Scout training,
unfurled the pear-achute,
and the plane landed safely.
From this day forward,
no one will eat pears,
especially not on Thanksgiving.
And my mom is my wife! Go USA!
- The end.
- GENE: Thank you, Tina.
Great story and it kind
of made me hate pears,
but I would still murder
both of you for a single bite
of that Brie,
I swear to God I would.
I know, Gene, I know.
Just gonna grab the wine and,
oh,
I forgot to throw this old
chicken parmesan out.
Oh. Oh, no. Gene.
Oh, boy. Uh...
Hey, everybody, uh,
uh, come in for dinner.
Uch! Turkey again?
You make this every year.
Yes, Gayle,
it's-it's Thanksgiving.
Okay, guys,
time to sit down for...
(whispers): you know what.
GENE: Don't patronize me,
Father!
I know you're gonna
eat that turkey now.
Well, you know, they are.
Um, I'm gonna stay here.
And I could tell you a story.
GENE: It's okay,
Dad, you can go eat.
I know how much
you love Thanksgiving.
No, no, I-I-I actually really
do want to tell you a story.
Um, and, you know,
I ate so much food
while I was cooking. Like... like,
a lot.
- Don't rub it in!
- Sorry, sorry.
Um, anyway, so, uh,
action movies, huh?
Is that what I was hearing?
Okay, uh, listen,
this is the story
of Gene Marinara,
owner of one of the most successful,
uh...
marinara rigs in the world. Hey.
- What are you guys doing?
- We want to hear the story.
And we should
probably help you tell it,
because you are, you know,
not that great with words or ideas.
Thank you. I thought I was
off to a pretty good start.
We'll be the harsh
judges of that.
Anyway, like I said,
Gene Marinara
was the best marinara
rig operator in the world.
He had everything... The best crew,
the best gear.
But what he didn't know
was that far away at the,
uh, the...
- space place... - TINA: NASA?
BOB: Yes, NASA. A very smart
space... science person named...
- GAYLE: Gayle! - BOB: Fine.
Gayle was about to
discover something bad.
Son of a space thing.
What was it? What did I see?
An asteroid made
of chicken parmesan
the size of Texas,
headed to destroy
life on Earth as we know it.
Wait, what was it made of?
- BOB: Chicken parmesan, Gene.
- Oh.
That's right,
I'm talking about Parmageddon.
Parmageddon... I get it. But...
we've been doing
Thanksgiving foods.
Well,
this is kind of a Thanksgiving food.
I-It's related.
So at the NASA,
a bunch of people decided...
We need to go up there
and blow up that big
piece of chicken parm!
Scientifically.
We drill inside,
fill it with hot marinara,
- and then... - Kaboom, daddy!
We just got to find a guy
who's really good at drilling
and probably wears a tank top.
Let her rip!
Whoo-hoo!
- Red gold!
- Boy, he sure can drill.
- And he sure can eat. - Yep.
That's why they call
him the Sauce Boss.
Wait, Dad. Um,
food is supposed to be the enemy.
It is, kind of. You'll see.
Ooh, suspense,
I love it! Like Knives In!
Um, I think it's Knives Out.
No, it's like, ow, ow,
knives in you, I think.
I don't know. Movies
are too expensive.
- I didn't see it.
- Anyway, Gene finishes
his spaghetti
just in time to see
a very official government
Jet Ski pull up to the rig
with a big request to make.
The United States government
just asked us to save the world.
Anyone want to say
no? You know what?
I'll send an Evite,
but please RSVP by tonight.
United States
astronauts train for years.
You have 12 minutes.
- Tell me what you see.
- Pierce Brosnan.
- Me robbing a bank?
- Oh, it's Pierce Brosnan.
It's a... a shape.
Lasagna. No, risotto. No,
Pierce Brosnan!
They're ready.
Have fun in space, Sauce Boss!
- MAN: Three, two, one.
- BOB: And so the fearless crew headed
for the gigantic piece
of chicken parmesan.
GENE: Mamma mia,
that's a spicy meatball.
Let's suit up.
All right, we get out there,
we stuff this baby
with marinara,
and then we get back in here
and we're home to our wives
by dinner.
Uh, Mom's my wife, right?
- Um, what?
- Mom was Gene's wife in my story.
Aw, sweet.
We all need to have
a talk as a family.
Don't be a prude, Bob.
(chuckles) I-I-I don't think it's,
uh, prudish.
I... all right, maybe it is.
Uh, you know what,
it's fine. Anyway...
the entire crew made it onto the
surface of the chicken parmesan,
but then something went wrong.
This cheesy crust is too thick.
Our drill can't get through it.
- Oh, no. Poor Earth!
- TINA: Shoot.
I live there. Is there
anything we can do?
There's nothing we can do.
But there's something I can do.
Gene, no, y-you don't mean...
I do mean.
I feel like chicken tonight.
All I need is a jet
pack and a napkin.
BOB: The crew returned to Earth,
but Gene stayed out in space and he
ate that space chicken
one bite at a time.
He, uh, you know,
he had to take off his helmet,
hold his breath, eat a bite,
then put his helmet back on,
and... You get it, right?
- LOUISE: Perfect.
- Gene, you have to finish!
You're about to enter
Earth's atmosphere.
GENE: So full! Let me just open
the top button of my space suit.
Okay, last bite! (munching)
- He did it! - Yeah!
Oh, God, it's coming back up!
BOB: And then Gene Marinara
diarrheaed and vomited
all that chicken back up,
and it rained hot chicken
poop shooting stars
all around the world,
which was kind of gross,
but also beautiful.
And everyone was fine,
and Gene was fine
because he had a jet pack.
The Earth was saved,
and all because Gene had the courage
to eat a chicken
parmesan the size of Texas.
(belches) Excuse me.
The end.
GENE: So I guess
you figured out that
I ate some of that kind of
rotten chicken parmesan
- that you told me not to eat?
- Yeah.
- I-I saw the bites. - What?
GENE: Mom...
I don't have stomach flu.
I-I have food poisoning.
Last night,
I was in the kitchen with Dad.
Can I eat some turkey?
No, it's not cooked.
- Bread dough?
- It's rising, don't touch it.
How about this old
chicken parmesan?
Gene, no,
definitely don't eat that.
That's from, like,
two weeks ago.
- Please?
- No! I'm leaving it in there,
Gene, till I take out the trash.
I could eat it and
save you the trip.
Gene, go to bed.
GENE: And I did go to bed.
But later I got
up and I ate some
of that old chicken parmesan
in the middle of the night.
And I didn't want to tell you
because I was embarrassed
that I basically ate garbage.
I just love to eat!
Gene,
it-it's great that you love to eat.
I-I love to feed you.
And you're the only one who was
really interested in my
innovative new menu.
It's just a shame you
didn't get to taste it.
You know,
I-I was like you when I was a kid.
That's how I got
interested in cooking.
And as soon as you
pass that sip test,
I'll eat dinner with you.
Well, surprise,
I've been nibbling
and juicing for the last 30 minutes,
baby!
Gene, that's great!
Father, feed me that turkey!
Yay! Let's all eat at the table.
All right. Oh, wa... oh, no!
- Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Oh, no, no, no!
- (splashing) - It's
coming out of everywhere!
Get in the tub! Get in the tub!
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you,
I need your breast and thigh meat ♪
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you,
I need your breast and thigh meat ♪
♪ And what's that
hiding in your hole? ♪
- ♪ Giblets, stuffing, gravy ♪ -♪
Some stuffing for my heart and soul ♪
- ♪ I could still be a
winner ♪ - (vocalizing)
♪ When I eat that
Thanksgiving dinner ♪
♪ Turkey, I need you beside me ♪
♪ I need all of you, I need
your breast and thigh meat. ♪