Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 14 - Mr. Lonely Farts - full transcript

♪ ♪

Hey, check this out!
(undulating)

That's... great. I think.

Do you have a super fun hernia?

It's a belly roll.
Like belly dancers do.

So put that down
as another career option for me.

Mom, you're not looking.
(undulating)

Sorry, honey.
I'm trying to find my phone.

TINA:
Did you look in the bathroom?

You usually bring it in there.

It's not there.
I already looked.



I had to poop without it. I read
the back of the shampoo bottle,

- like in the old days.
- (phone buzzes)

Oh. Not to brag, but I just got
a text on my phone.

That I didn't lose.

Teddy's coming over.

He's gonna help me
take down the vent hood,

and then we're gonna go pick up
the new one.

Ah, I love your life.

I'll be back soon
so we can open for lunch.

Okay. We should be back from
the shoe store by then, too.

(singsongy): And someone
will have her new sneakers.

- It's me!
- Aw, look at her poor toe
poking out.

LOUISE:
She's going through shoe-berty.

TINA: Say hi.



- Hi!
- Dad?

Oh. Hi?

TINA: How are you?

I, um... I'm fine.

You know what, Mom, I'm gonna
have to pass on the shoe store.

We only shop in the sales racks,

and they're the saddest place
in the whole world.

All those mismatched shoes

staring up at you
from the floor.

One time, I found a bloody
Band-Aid in one of the shoes.

Mom bought that pair.

The Band-Aid wasn't that bloody.

Dad, can I please go
with you and Teddy?

Sure. You want to go pick up
a new hood for a grill?

Oh, you're seriously doing that?

Ugh, still better
than the sale racks.

Huh. Should I go
with Mom or with Dad?

It's a real Kramer vs. Kramer.

Which I think was
a Seinfeld episode.

Well, pick someone, 'cause
you're not staying here alone.

And not because I don't want you
to find Mommy's special crackers

that I don't really have.
Forget I said anything.

Alone? Gene can't be anywhere
by himself.

I beg your pardon?

You still make Mom hide with you
when we play hide-and-seek.

And you hate brushing your teeth
by yourself.

That's why we do it together.

We're the Supreme Court
Brush-tices!

And you get dressed
in our room every morning,

even if we're still asleep.

I change in your room because
sometimes Ken uses my room

for his sunrise yoga class
that he substitute-teaches.

I like Yoga Ken. So flexible.

- Ken's not real.
- If Ken's not real,

then how did we FaceTime
for two hours last night?

(sighs) Okay. Uh, I'm going down
to meet Teddy.

- Wait for me.
- I'll stay here
and do more of this.

(undulating)

Where are you, you stupid,
stupid, stupid phone?!

Maybe try talking
a little nicer to it?

Just a thought.

(grunts)
Okay. We're getting there.

- Keep holding it.
- (strained): Got it.

(grunts) Thanks again for
helping out with this, Teddy.

No prob, Bobby.
There's nowhere I'd rather be.

Not even my cousin's wedding
today.

Wait, what? Teddy,
you didn't have to do this.

It's fine. It's just
my mother's brother's son.

So cocky
'cause he found true love.

Anyway, today's about you.

New hood, new life.

Pretty exciting.

Well, new to us.

It's from a guy
on a message board

who's selling a refurbished one.

It's way less expensive
than a new hood.

Oh. So you're buying
another old hood.

Well, it's not old...
It's refurbished.

That's a fancy word for "old."

So, you found this guy
on a message board, huh?

Y-Yeah. Why are you saying it
like that?

It's just... don't people
who post ads on the Internet

turn out to be, you know,
psycho murderers?

Eh. Some people just want
to sell you a pull-up bar,

then be your friend and move in
with you for a while.

I'm pretty sure
this guy's legit.

He sells a lot
of refurbished appliances.

- Old appliances.
- Besides,

wouldn't it be the buyer
who's the psycho,

not the seller
who gives you their address

and trusts you
to come to their home?

Yeah, but what if their home
turns out to be a dungeon?

Oh, yeah. What if their home
turns out to be a dungeon?

Okay, guys, if their home is a
dungeon, we won't buy the hood.

'Cause we'll be getting murdered
in the dungeon.

Eh. I'm gonna miss you guys
so much.

But, Teddy, you'd be with us.

We'd be together.

No, I'd get away.

Then I'd miss you so much.

Well, if you get away,

you can call the police.

- Then you can save us.
- Eh.

The guy'd probably kill you
before the police get there.

But I could try.

- Thanks, Teddy.
- GENE: Hey! Teddy!

You haven't seen my cool
new trick yet, you lucky man.

(undulating)

Oh, that's fun, Gene.

It's like you swallowed
a water bed.

(scoffs) Why are flecks
of moisture hitting me?

(strained): Gene, we're...
kind of busy at the moment.

Oh, boo.

- Okay. R-Ready, Bob?
- Yeah.

- (strained): Oh, God.
- You said you were ready!

I know, I did, I'm just...
(grunts) not strong.

No, you are not. No offense.

(grunts) None taken.

Hmm. Maybe I'll go
with you guys.

Teddy's got a truck,
and a truck trip could be fun.

Although Mom likes to sing
while she drives,

and I do enjoy that.

A lot of swerving to the music,
honking to the beat.

Will there be singing
in the truck?

-(grunting)
-I think it's gonna be
a lot of this.

BOB:
All right, let's put it
against the wall.

TEDDY: Lea-Lean it this way.

- The weight's all in the back.
- LOUISE: Just like Dad.

Eh, I think I'm gonna go
with Mom and Tina.

I just remembered
that the shoe store gives out

free crushed pretzels
on the floor.

Ugh, where are you, phone?

- Okay, it's ringing.
- Don't hear it.

Don't hear it. Don't hear it.

Tina, honey, maybe you
saying that over and over again

is gonna make it hard
to hear the phone?

I mean, I'm not questioning
your process, but okay.

Wait till Mom and Tina
hear the good news.

Oh, before we leave,
I should probably get my Casio,

grab my day planner, ooh,
and do one of those auto-reply

"I'm out of the office" e-mails.

Ugh, this isn't working.

I don't know
where my dumb phone is.

Maybe you accidentally put it
in a burger?

No, I'm always really careful
about that.

Well, I guess we should leave

if we want to get back
before lunch.

I can live without my phone
for a couple hours.

I'll have to make real faces
instead of sending emojo-people.

Wait, Gene's going
with Dad, right?

Yeah, I think so.
He went downstairs.

If I find any shoe Band-Aids,
I'm not sharing them with him.

Okay, let's head out so we
can be back in time for lunch.

Wait, is Gene coming with us?

No, he said he wanted to go
with Mom and Tina.

Who's driving? Oh, yeah. Me.

And Robin goes in the back
on the way home.

- Who's Robin?
- The hood.

Dad, keep up.

God, I'm trying
to make this fun.

I get it, I get it.

Mom? Tina? I'm going with you!

I call the whole back seat
so I can do that thing

where I pretend I'm in an Uber!

Where are you guys?

Hmm.

(grunting)

Hello?

Maybe they're doing a prank
I'm not enjoying.

I'll go get the key.

They're gonna get an earful!

Dad?

Louise?

Huh.

Hello?!

Hello?

Hello...!

Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

Okay, okay. It's fine.
Everything's fine.

I know what to do. Call Mom.

I know her number. It's gonna be
the first tattoo I get.

- (phone buzzing)
- Wait, what?

Why is the couch farting?

Mom's phone?

A nickel?
A peanut M&M? (chewing)

Okay, calling Dad.
What's Dad's number?

I don't know it!
The digits were so random!

Oh! It's written on the fridge!

Aah! I can't read
the last three numbers!

They're smudged over
with some sort of sauce!

Ketchup. Figures.

Aah! What do I do?!
What do I do...?!

(mimics phone ringing)

Guess I'd better get that.

Hello? Hi! Ken!

I know you called me,
but let me go first

because you're
not gonna believe this.

I'm home alone!

Yeah, no, that's right.
Mom and Tina were upstairs

in the apartment and...

Dad, Louise and Teddy
were in the restaurant.

And then I guess
they didn't bother to make sure

that their most special boy
in the whole wide world

was with either of them
when they left

and drove out
of my life forever!

No, Ken, I will not calm down!

You calm down!

I know you're calm.
You're always calm, Mr. CBD Oil.

Okay, okay.
Breathing, breathing.

Thank you, Ken.
The beatboxing helps.

(sighs) Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should look at this
as a good thing.

I mean, I can do anything I want
right now.

The apartment is my oyster!

Oh. Oyster sauce.

(Tina whistles)

The full-price section.
Hot damn.

Don't look, Tina. Don't look.
We're not full-price people.

Okay. So clean here.

Tina, I said don't look.

Keep moving, keep moving.

And here we are.

The sales racks!

CHILD: No, no, no, no, no!

I don't want a shoe!

No...!

Hold my hand, honey.
Stay close to me.

Hi, are you Bob?

Yeah... yes, hi. Uh, this is
Teddy and my daughter Louise.

Are you Adam?

Yep. Adam Appliances.

That's a nickname I'm trying
to start for myself.

- Because I sell appliances.
- Nice.

Uh, well, so here's the hood.

Feel free to check it out.

Don't want you to think
you're getting...

hoodwinked. (laughing)

(laughs)

Oh, Adam Appliances.

Huh. Great. Uh, thanks.

So, lot of merchandise, huh?

There a lot of people coming in
and out of here?

(chuckles) That's right.

- But are they, Adam?
- Are they what?

Coming in and out?

Louise. Uh, sorry.

She's, uh...
gets excited around, um,

refurbished restaurant supplies.

This, uh, looks good.
All the right, uh,

hood... parts.
We'll-we'll take it.

Oh, great, great.
Well, water it once a week

and give it lots of sunlight.

- (chuckles)
- (laughs)

- This guy. (sighs)
- Yeah, that's funny.

Uh, so you posted
that you're selling it for $350?

- Yep.
- All right. Here you go.

Uh, it's a-a lot of singles
and, um...

uh, hold on...
Some, um, loose change.

Um, you-you can count it all out
if you like.

Okay. Guess we'll start
with the pennies.

One, two.

This is a button.

Oh. Sorry.

GENE: Mom's special crackers!

Mom's special crackers! Yep,

they were in her closet
in a shoebox labeled

"Do not open. Spiders."

Now I want to know where
she keeps her spiders.

Yeah, I'm sitting in their bed,
eating the crackers,

'cause no one's here
telling me not to.

Okay, what should we do next?

-(dance music playing)
-Take that, Louise's "No Getting
Out All My Collectibles

and Having a Rave in My Room"
rule!

Yeah!

"I had that dream again

"where everyone's butts
had eyebrows,

and they called them
'thighbrows.'"

And there's a drawing here.

Want me to fax it
to your secretary?

(singsongy):
Holding all the spoons!

Holding all the spoons!

Holding all the spoons!

Ooh, Tina! I found one shoe
that's in your size.

- You want to try it on?
- Okay. Let's give this a shot.

Feels good.
Maybe I don't need two shoes.

(chuckles):
Who am I, Kate Middleton?

Excuse me! Do you have
the other one of these sneakers?

Everything we have is out here.
Sorry.

But there was only one shoe
in this box.

(sighs): Yeah.
Shoes go missing all the time.

People shove them in the wrong
box or just... throw them.

I don't know why they do
these things.

I just try
to get through each day.

Ooh, look at those shooties.

- What are shooties?
- You know,

they're like if a shoe
and a boot had a baby.

They're so cute.

And it's so peaceful over there.

And so... not sad.

- And nobody's smoking.
- I'm gonna go try 'em on.

Just for fun.
Nothing wrong with that, right?

You want to go
to the full-priced section?

You want to go to the big show?

Not to buy, just to try.

You want to come?

I sure as shootie want to come.

Okay, Bob, you're all set.

Unless you want to buy
a refurbished vacuum.

-Oh, no, thanks.
-No, wait, wait, wait.
L-Let me show you.

- (loud whirring)
- So, it's kind of loud!

Uh, but that's fine!

You can scream
and no one can hear it!

(screams)

- (whirring stops)
- See?

Oh, yeah. I see.

Oh, Adam, uh, can I get
a receipt? For my taxes.

You know about taxes, Dad?

- Um, kind of.
- Okay, sure.

I'll get you a receipt.
I don't have any paper out here.

Let me go inside
and write you up one.

- I'll be right back.
- Thanks.

Feel free to look around.
That's a tortilla press.

Or if you stick your hand in it,
it's a hand press.

Hand-wich, anyone?

(laughs) Good one!

Do we want to discuss the fact

that he's talking
about eating hands,

and he basically gave us
a blueprint of his murder plan?

What do you mean?

The vacuum?
To cover up our screams? Hello?

I think he was just trying
to sell us a really loud vacuum.

I scream when I vacuum.

But that's just 'cause
I don't like doing it.

(humming)

Yes, Ken, I do kind of feel like
the bartenders in Coyote Ugly.

Hey, should I go in the kitchen?

Yeah, I think I should, too.

Hmm.

Hamburger buns.
I'm gonna eat 'em.

Oh, that's a much better idea.

I should definitely put them
through the meat grinder

and make bun-burgers.

The burger is the bun, and the
bun is the bun. It's perfect!

This is the kind of thing
Dad would never let me do,

but once he tried it,
he'd be like,

"I love my brilliant bun son!"

(metallic thud)

Huh. That was a weird sound.

Aah! What the hell?!

(groans) I can't open the door!

Help! Ken, call the Coast Guard!

Call the CSI basement people!

Call Richard Belzer and Ice-T!

Call Mariska Hargitay!

(groans) The door's wedged shut!

Yes, Ken,
I am pushing with my core.

Sorry, not all of us have time
to do Kundalini yoga

for two hours every day!

Aah! Looks like
I'm stuck down here

until Mom and Dad get back.

At least I've got these buns
for nourishment.

And all the basement food,
aka bottom snacks.

Dad always tells me not
to call them that.

Taking a while for him
to write that receipt, huh?

Maybe he's doing
a pre-murder pep talk?

- Psyching himself up?
- Louise.

Ugh, we got to leave soon

if we're gonna make it back
before lunch.

Adam? Mister, um...
Mr. Appliances?

Should we just go?

Uh, I kind of need that receipt.

This hood is
a pretty big business expense,

and I was gonna deduct it, which
I'm pretty sure is a thing.

I bet he's in there right now
sharpening his gun.

He's not a murderer, Louise.

Hello? Adam?

Okay, I guess I'm gonna go in?

- You are?
- Yeah.

- You stay out here.
- Oh, we stay out here? Really?

- Why is that, Father?
- Just because.

Because he might be a murderer.

- No. Well, maybe.
- I'll go with you, Bob.

Or, Teddy,
you could go by yourself?

No way, no.

Okay, let's just
all go in, then.

Louise, stay behind me.

Adam? Hello?

Look at all that bleach.

That stuff is great for
getting out bloodstains, right?

Blood, sweat and tears.

End of most days,
I got all three.

Wow. I love how
it's two shoes that match.

- I know, right?
- (whimpers)

I feel like
a New York businesswoman.

Hey, Mr. Big Boss,
I don't need this job.

I'm gonna quit
and move to Vermont

and make baby applesauce.

Hi, red carpet reporter.

What am I wearing?
Two matching shoes.

Oh. You're over here now.

Just so you know, moving shoes
from here to the sales rack

doesn't magically
make them on sale.

You'd be surprised
how many people think that.

No, no, no. We're not
doing that. We're just looking.

Well, if you need any help,
I'll be trying

to take care
of everything in the store

- because
they didn't hire enough people.
- Okay, bye.

Come on. Let's try on
these cowboy boots.

We can be cowgirl-businesswomen.

We're gonna be yee-hot...
and good at our jobs.

And that's why I think
ostriches should wear britches

and be called "ost-britches."

Ken, are you listening?

Well, it just seems
like you're distracted.

No, no, no, no, don't get off
yet. I want to keep talking.

If you need to read your e-mail,
read your e-mail. I can wait.

Oh. You're reading it out loud.

Wow. So many e-mails
from The Edge.

How long have you known U2?

You grew up
with Larry Mullen Jr.?!

Hello?

Hello? Um,
we're in your kitchen now.

Sorry to be... so in your house.

But, uh, we're curious
how it's going with the receipt.

I wonder which of our faces
he's going to wear as a mask.

I don't know.
Could be a Goldilocks situation.

- One's too big,
one's too little.
- Mm.

Gosh, you'd think

Adam Appliances would have some
better ones in his own kitchen.

A two-slice toaster?
What is this, 1985?

Normally I'd hate
being left alone like this.

You know, 'cause being
by myself isn't my thing.

But at least I have you
to talk to, Ken.

What do mean you have to go?

Your short film is
winning an award

at the Montreal Film Festival?

Well, of course
I'm happy for you.

I know
it's your passion project,

and it took you forever
to clear the rights,

and Jessica Chastain
is a revelation,

but I need you
to stay on the phone with me!

Don't tell me I'll be fine!

No! No! Don't hang up!

Ken? Ken?! Hello? Ken!

Pick up, pick up, pick up.
Aah, voice mail again!

Ken, I'm gonna keep
leaving you messages

because you hung up
and left me alone! Ugh!

I hope
that you go to a bagel store

where they sell
Montreal-style bagels,

and they run out of them
right as you walk in.

Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Goodbye. (grunts)

Oh, no! Now how is Ken supposed
to call me back?!

On a fork? That's ridiculous!

Okay, Adam,
we're in your living room now.

Just really need
that receipt, buddy.

Wait. Are you holding
a butter knife?

- You butter believe it.
- Is it from Adam's kitchen?

No, I walk around with
butter knives. Yes, of course.

Teddy, are you holding
a cheese grater?

Yeah. Did you not grab anything
from the kitchen?

(sighs) Okay, you know what?
This is too weird.

Forget the receipt.
Probably better to live

than to have a deduction.

I think I read that
on a fortune cookie.

Come on, let's go.

(all screaming)

Oh, my God!
Please don't kill us!

- What?!
- I'll grate you!

Is that my cheese grater?
Wait. Is that my butter knife?

Yes, and it's very serrated. Are
you sure it's a butter knife?

Yeah, I should know that.
It is mine.

- Why are you in my house?
- We were looking for you.

You were taking so long
with the receipt, and we were...

we weren't sure what to do.

I had to go to the bathroom.

We were shouting your name.

The fan was on
if you need to know everything.

Ugh. This is exactly
what my wife said would happen

if I started this business.

You give strangers
from the Internet your address,

and they'll come in your house

and kill you
with your own cheese grater.

- No, I wasn't gonna kill you.
- No, Adam, no, no.

- We're, we're not...
- I mean, it'd be hard with this.

I knew there was something off
about you guys.

You with all that change.

Who would do something
like that to someone?

I'm sorry. I-I mean, to be fair,
change is money.

I know it's annoying money,
but it still counts.

Dad, don't.

Here is your receipt, sir.

Uh, thanks. We're gonna go now.

Yeah, I think
that's best you do.

- Here.
- (shrieks)

- Just put it on the table.
- Yup, yup, okay.

Arr! Pirate and Go-Go Dancer
fight for the galaxy!

- Arr!
- Groovy!

So, are you guys sure
you don't need any help?

Nope, nope. Uh, ju-just
making some decisions.

Lot of boxes on the floor.

We're gonna put them all back.

Except for the ones that we buy.

Uh-huh. And how many pairs
do you think

you'll be purchasing today?

I mean, uh,
maybe those sneakers over there?

You know, when they go on sale.

Are there some of these
I can start putting away?

Uh, yeah, I guess the boots
and the... the moon shoes.

And the gladiator sandals.

Oh, and-and the moccasins, too.

Those looked really good on you.

They did, right?

- Here, I-I'll put those away.
- Oh.

Look, we're sorry. It's just,
we just wanted to know

what it felt like to shop
in the nice shoe section.

Where they have all the sizes
and the shoes come in pairs.

And the lights aren't blinking
off and on over here.

And there isn't anything
dripping from the ceiling.

I get it.
The sales racks are rough.

I found a toe
over there yesterday.

- Oh, God.
- Ah, I think it was a toe.

The police have it.
Anyway, I-I'll tell you what.

I can give you 20% off
those sneakers.

- How about that?
- Really?!

- Yeah.
- Thank you!

- Sure.
- Or maybe I don't do
the sneakers?

I do the big boots, and
I'm Big Booty Tina from now on?

- No, no, no, no, no, no,
do the sneakers.
- Okay.

Aah, I hate this!
No family, no Ken.

Stuck here in the basement
with just myself.

Why did Ken do this?!

Why did my totally real friend
hang up on me?

Doesn't he know
this is my worst nightmare?

No one to talk to but myself?

Wait.
Did Ken do this on purpose?

Is this a test?
He does like to test me.

Like that time
he tested my self-control

by asking me
to hold his ice cream cone

while he went to go poo poo.

Maybe this is...
a being-with-myself test.

Okay, then, I'll try it.

I'll try being alone
with my thoughts?

♪ Green peppers give me gas ♪

♪ Unless they're in a scone ♪

♪ These are thoughts
I'm thinking ♪

♪ When I'm all alone ♪

♪ Is taupe a real color? ♪

♪ I wanna free solo
up that shelf ♪

♪ These are things I'm thinking
when I'm by myself ♪

♪ My knees have weird wrinkles ♪

♪ My butt makes weird sounds ♪

♪ Maybe I can still have fun
with no one else around ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep thinkin'
'cause it's keepin' me calm ♪

♪ Robots and music
and banh mi from Vietnam ♪

♪ I enjoy being with people,
maybe too much ♪

♪ And Ken is a delight
but maybe kind of a crutch ♪

♪ I didn't think I'd feel
this way till I was grown ♪

♪ But it turns out
I'm fine being here ♪

♪ On my own! ♪

Ken,
you brilliant son of a bitch!

We're back!

You might not recognize me
'cause of my new sneakers,

but, um, it's me. Tina.

Tina?! Oh, God, okay.
I'm glad you cleared that up.

Look at that shiny new hood.

It's refurbished.
Fancy word for old.

Well, sorry we took so long.
We had a little shoe-cation.

It's okay. We took a while, too.

We kind of mistook
a totally harmless person

for being a murderer and then
we trespassed in his house.

Sounds fun. Hey, where's Gene?

- I thought he was with you.
- I thought he was with you!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

ALL: Gene?! Gene?!

My toys!

My diary!

My crackers!

♪ Bun-burger, bun-burger,
bun-burger ♪

- ♪ Bun-burger. ♪ - He's here!

- Gene!
- Mom! Dad!

Oh, we're so sorry, Gene.

We didn't mean
to leave you by yourself.

I thought
you were with your dad.

And I thought
you were with your mom.

Are you all right? We know
you don't love being alone.

Or being trapped in a basement.

We were almost trapped
in a basement.

Yeah, we almost died.

No, we weren't,
and no, we didn't.

You know, it actually
wasn't that bad.

I had Ken for a lot of it.

But then he had to go accept
this award, and I was alone,

but that turned out
to be okay, too.

Really? That's, uh...
that's good.

Uh, what's going on
with the meat grinder?

Big changes
at the restaurant, Dad.

I don't want to give it away,

but let's just say
it rhymes with "dun durgers."

Oh, my Geenie Weenie,
Mommy's so sorry!

Mwah-mwah-mwah! Mwah!
Mwah-mwah-mwah!

It's okay, Mom.

Huh. You're kind of
letting them off pretty easy.

I would maybe look
for a lawyer if I were you?

No lawyers.
Come on. Let's go upstairs.

So, you found
my special crackers, huh?

- Yup. Ken and I did.
- How is Ken?

GENE:
Busy as always.
And he's microdosing.

That's... You know what?

Just tell him thanks
for keeping you company.

♪ My knees have weird wrinkles ♪

♪ My butt makes weird sounds ♪

♪ Maybe I can still have fun
with no one else around ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep thinkin'
'cause it's keepin' me calm ♪

♪ Robots and music
and banh mi from Vietnam ♪

♪ I enjoy being with people,
maybe too much ♪

♪ And Ken is a delight
but maybe kind of a crutch ♪

♪ I didn't think I'd feel
this way till I was grown ♪

♪ But it turns out
I'm fine being here ♪

♪ On my own. ♪