Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 12 - Die Card, or Card Trying - full transcript

♪

LINDA: ♪ Candy cane moose ♪

♪ We've had
since Tina was born ♪

♪ People think
you're a reindeer ♪

♪ But you're not,
you're a moose. ♪

With a little red nose.

(kisses) Aw.

I still feel like it's too soon
to take these down.

It's only been a week
since Christmas.

Eight days, Mom.
Which I happen to know

because I've been trying
to solve this stupid thing



since Christmas!

Come on, little ball.

Get out of your cage.
Get out of your cage!

My stocking stuffer
brings only joy and peace.

- (playing harmonica)
- Gene? Gene?

- You said you were taking
a little break?
- What?

I couldn't hear you
over my harmonica.

Is that hat for your hands?
Have I been wearing hats wrong?

No. Santa thought my head
was a little smaller,

so I'm just stretching it out.

So, you're still
putting Christmas stuff away?

Yeah. Say sweet dreams
to the clothespin angel.

- Sweet dreams, clothespin angel.
- Kiss 'em.

- What?
- Kiss 'em.



No. No, thank you.

I don't want to kiss
any more ornaments, Lin.

That's kind of why
I went into the kitchen.

Also to juice
with my antique juicer

that you got me
which I love more than life.

- That you told me to get you.
- Yeah, and I was right

about how good a gift
that would be.

Just like the perfume
that I got you.

I love my perfume.

Joy by Joy Behar.

Just brings so much joy.

I miss your old smell
of grease and crackers.

So, do you need us
to keep helping

with this incredibly long
taking down the tree process?

No, you guys helped
the first three hours.

- It's fine.
- Well, in that case,

I'd like to intro-juice you

to Orange Lemon Basil.

I can't wait to taste
the difference

between this
and Orange Lemon Mint.

Uh, forget Orange Lemon Mint.
I was a different person then.

(exhales) Okay,
done with ornaments. Moving on

to holiday cards.
Aw, look at 'em.

All the beautiful,
smiling families

telling me Season's Greetings.

All the teenagers
going through awkward phases.

- Oh, yeah,
a bunch of other Tinas.
- What?

You know, I don't think we got
as many cards as we usually get.

Maybe we're being shunned?
Because they're all jealous

of our perfect skin
and our long, long lashes?

Oh, my God.
We are being shunned.

We're getting taken off of
people's Christmas card lists.

Why would we get taken off
people's Christmas card lists?

Because of our long,
long lashes?

No, because I couldn't
get it together this year

to send our card out.
Or last year.

And that's how it happens.

You stop giving,
you stop getting.

- Like high fives?
- Yeah.

Right.
So, why didn't you send one out?

- Seems easy enough.
- Well, excuse me, Miss Missy.

Hardest thing of all is getting
a good picture of this family.

It's like wrangling
a bunch of muddy babies.

You people
probably don't remember

the last picture we sent out,
but I do.

Tina's eyes were half-shut,
Gene was all blurry,

and Louise
was doing a serial killer face.

And that was the good picture.

You mean
this serial killer face?

- (screams) Yes. Uh, stop it.
- Stop what?

Stop it. Ugh. Look how good
these pictures are.

Look at my cousin Valerie
and her family on that cruise.

They were all pointing
towards land or a whale

or a dolphin.
And ours was in a grocery store.

That was the best we could do,

standing in front
of that pineapple display.

Oh, my God, pineapple.

Bob, for a minute,
stop with the juice.

- Uh, never.
- Remember that year

we tried to take our picture
in that guy's yard

because he had a nice fountain,

and then he came out
and got real mad?

Why have a fountain if you won't
let people do a Friends in it?

Lin, I think you're being
too hard on yourself.

They're just cards. We'll take
a good picture next year.

It's not a big deal.

Not a big deal?!

Um, I-I mean, isn't that true?

Thin card that gets thrown away?

-Not a big deal?
Uh, why is your eye twitching?
-(Linda grunting)

And she's kind of balling up
her hands into fists.

Linda, breathe. Bob doesn't know
what he's talking about.

You know what?
It's still January, right?

- I mean, yes?
- It's January somewhere.

So, 'tis still the season,
sorta.

We're still in the winter.
We still have time, right?

- For what?
- If we went out somewhere nice

to take a picture today,

we could get cards
printed tomorrow,

send them and still be in
the holiday card-giving window.

We'd be back in
the card-getting business, baby.

Uh, w-wait, today? I mean...

Come on! You know it's gonna be
a slow day at the restaurant.

Everyone's still on
winter break, winter breaking.

I just figured that if it's
a slow day in the restaurant,

I could play... I mean, work...
With the new juicer

that you so thoughtfully got
for me,

my great love.

Yeah, and this is
our last day of freedom

before we have to go back
to school.

Today, my only plan
is to sit on my butt

and solve
this fun/infuriating puzzle.

Aah! Dang it.

I was planning on becoming
a harmonica virtuoso today.

- (playing harmonica)
- Gene, buddy?

Please? You're killing me.
You are killing me.

Everybody, we're doing this.

So, come on, get dressed!

- Let's go. Let's go. Go, go, go!
- ALL: No!

All right!
And I found the perfect place.

I looked it up, and it's
gorgeous. We're on our way.

Uh, wait,
what's the name of this place?

Eh, don't worry about the name.

Wh-Why don't worry
about the name?

It's, uh,
it's called something lookout.

- Okay.
- Three Mile Lookout.

What does that mean?
You can see for three miles?

- Whoa.
- Yeah, maybe.

Or, uh, or because it's
a three-mile walk to get there.

-What?
-What? Let me out!
-What? Pull over!

-Drive, Bob, drive!
Put the child locks on.
-(kids shouting)

- What? We-we don't have
child locks.
- Just drive.

(whoops) Three Mile Lookout,
here we come.

Then it's just a three-mile walk
to a beautiful lookout.

- BOB: Mm.
- You're not my mother right now.

Oh, I can just see it.

Us in nature.

Everyone smiling,
looking at the camera.

Some of us wearing hats?

What do you think?
Pom-pom to the left?

Pom-pom to the right?
Left? Or right?

- Left? Right?
- Tina, shh.

- Busy. Puzzle.
- Okay, but real quick?

Anyone have any requests,
or shall I just riff?

- (plays harmonica) Aah!
- Tina.

- Sorry.
- Hey, kid in the middle.

Okay, I need room
to work here, people.

- Ow.
- Ow.

Kids, no fighting.
When we take this picture,

everyone's got to smile
and mean it.

No grouchy grumps.
Bob, that goes for you, too.

- Are you still made
that I'm making you walk?
- Yes.

I love you.

In my head,
I'm juicing right now.

Here, Bob, take the snacks.
I got the camera.

- I'll take the snacks
- N-No, no, that's okay, Gene.

- I-I got it.
- Ah, you don't trust me.

- And rightly so.
- RANGER: Hey.

Going for a nice winter hike,
huh?

No. We're here against our will.

- Wait, what?
- No. (chuckles)

We didn't kidnap them.

Oh, well, that's a relief.

Now I don't have to fill out
that form.

You know, actually,
we're here to take

a perfect holiday family photo.

Isn't it a little too late
for that?

No!
It's still during the window.

- Uh, Lin.
- What?

Well, you guys seem great.
Okay, be safe, don't litter,

and no kicking pine cones.
They don't like it.

Mom, you know what I'm thinking?

This parking lot
is absolutely breathtaking.

We should take the picture here.

Oh, yeah. That's a great idea.

So artistic if we did it,
actually, just right here.

What? No. We're taking
a really, really nice picture.

It's our big comeback.
We're going up.

Wait, "up"?
There's "up" involved in this?

Yes. It's called a lookout.

You have to go up to look out.

Everywhere's a lookout.
I'm looking out right now.

No. Come on. Everyone, practice
your smiles and follow me.

(playing harmonica)

(breathes deeply) Thank you.

(kids groaning)

The air's thinner up here,
right? Is the air thinner?

People shouldn't walk up hills.
Gravity doesn't want us up here.

Did a bird poop twice
on you guys, too?

(gasps) Oh, it's even better
than I imagined.

Okay, take a minute
to get yourselves camera-ready.

Tina, get that poop off.

Do I have time for a blowout?

My glam squad
is about 20 minutes behind us.

Not this time, baby.

Bob, you're steaming.

Maybe try to get that
under control?

(panting):
Okay. I'll try to stop.

You look like a Cup O' Noodles
over there.

All right, I'm gonna try
and figure out this timer.

These things are easy, right?

Oops! Wait, is this
on ten seconds or three?

- (camera clicking)
- Hold on.

Aah! I pressed the timer.

Why'd it take a picture?

- Aah!
- Lin, do you want help?

No, no, I got it.

- Oh, come on!
- Uh, h-here, let me try.

- (timer beeping)
- Okay, I think we're set.

- Butt shot.
- Nice!

(timer beeping, camera clicks)

Geez,
what kind of timer is this?

Who can move that fast?
Cheetah people?

I mean, we're Cheeto people.

Okay. Oh, I think
I just reset the date.

And I might have taken, like,
30 pictures up my nose.

- There's your Christmas card.
- Oh, ratzafratz!

Uh, maybe we don't
all have to be in it?

Maybe I take it,
and you can tell everyone

that I left you
to join the Army,

and you're bravely carrying on
without me.

Even though I'm braver
because I joined the Army.

I already thought of that.
Doesn't work.

What if people see you
in the restaurant?

Can't you just say
he's Dad's hot twin?

-This plan is perfect.
I like it.
-All right, we're doing

the hot-twin-Army-Dad plan.
Let's do this.

Oh! Hikers!

- Hello! Hi!
- Uh, yeah?

Uh, can you take our picture?

Uh, okay! Just,
we're very far away from you!

You won't be able
to make out your faces!

Oh, no, not from over there!
Over here!

On our camera! Please!

We need a family picture!
It's an emergency!

Oh, okay!

Oh, thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.

(panting): Sure. It wasn't
too far out of the way.

- It was pretty far.
- It was pretty far.

Louise, put the toy down.
Come on. We're doing this.

Fine, I'll do it behind my back.

Okay, everyone squish in
and say "ravioli."

ALL: Ravioli.

- Got it.
- You know what?

Could you just take a few more

- just for safety?
- Okay.

All right, everyone's eyes open?
Bob, you still steamy?

Wait, I was talking.
Can you take it again?

You know, I know
it doesn't really matter,

but can you smile
while you take it?

I think we'll get
a better smile out of the kids.

Right?
Your face is kind of tight.

- Okay, thank you!
- All right.

We're done. Let's go.

- Oh, they're awful.
- What?

Bad. They're all bad.

Shadow. Shadow.
Ugh, they're all in shadow.

And Gene's completely
turned around in this one.

- I had to go.
- Maybe silhouette
could be our thing?

Like, you can't see our faces.
Who are we?

Like, a-a mystery card.

Oh, her stupid thumb's
in this one.

Ugh. Stick to hiking, sweetie.

Okay, so, I guess we wait
for another hiker to come along?

- Maybe it'll be Annie Leibovitz.
- I have a better idea.

We make a hang glider
out of Dad's underwear,

and we glide down
to the parking lot

- and go home.
- That sounds nice.

Oh, I got the timer working!

We don't need
any more dumb hikers!

And we're switching locations.
The sun's facing that way.

You people stand there.

I'm putting the camera here
on this nice rock.

Hello, rock.
Thank you for being here.

Kids, you'll be back in
your jammies before you can say,

"Oh, my God,
what a great Christmas card."

Okay, but I'm pretty sure
I used up all my fierceness.

Wait, I found a little more. Mm.

-Oh, this is it!
This is the moment.
-(timer beeping)

Smile, people. Smile, please.

- I'll never ask
for anything again.
- Wait, my hat.

Wait, my this. (farts)

- Gene.
- Bob! Bob, smile.

- Everyone, you're not smiling!
- (farts) Oh, whoops.

- (Louise laughs)
- Yay, Dad!

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

(crying)

Uh, oh, no. Is it that bad?

- Is it Tina's hat?
- No! Oh, God, no.

It's... it's...

- Yeah?
- It's perfect.

It's more than perfect.

It's-it's the picture
I have in my head

when I think of you guys.

It's that double fart magic.

- So does that mean...
- We got it?

We got it!

- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, yeah!

First one to the car
gets to drive.

Okay.

Oh, thanks, everyone.

I know it was a long day
and exercise is very difficult

and awkward for this family,
but this is really...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

(gasping)

No...!

Got it! I got it.
I got the camera.

- Thank God.
- (sighing heavily)

Oh, that was close.
Okay, I'm pullin' it out.

(strained grunting)

- Oh. Oh, no.
- What, "oh, no"?

The hole's not wide enough
for my hand and the camera.

Wh-What are you talking about?

I can't get my arm out without
lettin' go of the camera,

and if I let go of the camera...

Yeah, that would be bad.

- (birds screeching)
- (Linda grunting)

Should I play a mournful blues?

-Probably not. -I should. -♪ ♪

- Okay, okay, maybe we can...
- (straining)

Ow, ow, no. Mommy's elbow
doesn't go that way.

I can't see any way
to get the camera.

I can't reach it from any angle.

Uh, maybe if we had
a trained bird?

Oh, now you want a trained bird.

Before Christmas it's all,
"We can't get a trained bird."

Maybe we could try to train
that squirrel?

Hi... Oh, he's gone.

Okay, what if we drop
the camera...

Wait, hear me out...
And not do this anymore?

Ooh, he likes it. He likes it.

She's frowning.

Lin, at some point
we might have to consider

saying goodbye to the camera.

No. Never.

The best picture our family has
ever taken is on this thing.

You didn't see it. I saw it!

(straining):
It was like a... a fairy tale,

but in... but in real life.

But maybe we don't need a
picture on the Christmas card.

Just some nice words?

I'm ready
with the bubble letters.

Oh, Tina,
I love your bubble letters,

but that's the worst idea
anyone's ever had.

Okay, let me try something.

Hey, Mom, can you show me how
to eat corn on the cob again?

I forget how and I need to know.

For school. Uh, corn school.

Uh-uh.
I'm not fallin' for the old

"How do I eat corn on the cob"
trick. Who even knows.

- Damn, she's good.
- Maybe I try something.

Hey, Mom,
what number comes after nine?

- What? Ten.
- Right, but, um,

show me on your fingers
how many ten is.

For, um, corn school. Crap.

-Nope.
-Mom, I need a hug.
A two-armer.

Uh-uh, Gene. Hug your father.

All right, Dad, let's do this.

♪ Pushin' the rocks,
pushin' the rocks ♪

♪ Pushin' and pullin'
and pushin' the rocks ♪

♪ Kickin' the rocks,
lookin' good ♪

♪ Makin' nets that fall apart. ♪

(moaning): Oh, oh,
my hand's gettin' so tired.

- Oh, no.
- Does it want to go home
and take a nap?

Here, Mom, you can use my hat
to cushion your arm.

(grunting) Little help?

(all grunting)

(sighs): Ah, thanks, Tina.

That pom-pom feels nice.

Kids, have snacks
and enjoy the day.

Yay, snacks.

This boy wouldn't say no
to some hot cocoa.

Blah. What is this?!

It-It's my juice.

Did you put it in there
as a prank?

No. And don't waste it.

I-I think I juiced,
like, 30 oranges

to fill this thing.

This is not a juice situation,
Father.

Gene, I will ground you so hard.

Sorry. Sorry.
I-I just miss my juicer so much.

TINA:
Yeah, we heard you two
singing together.

- ♪ Who likes to juice? ♪
- ♪ I like to juice. ♪

- ♪ You like to juice? ♪
- ♪ That's what I said. ♪

♪ Juicey, juicey, juice,
juice, juice, juice, juice ♪

♪ I love you more than anyone. ♪

Why couldn't you have just
juiced some hot chocolate,

you psychopath?!

I guess that's it.

We're out here in the snow like
a bunch of Jeremiah Johnsons

and there's nothin'
we can do about it.

Louise, no one's turning
into Jeremiah Johnson.

Also, I don't know
how you know that movie.

It's a movie?
I just made up the name

'cause it sounded good.

What? No, it's a...
Oh, forget it.

♪ ♪

Okay, the plan to squirt
a bunch of soap down there

and twist my arm out didn't work
'cause we don't have soap.

And that idea to pry my arm out
with a stick

really didn't work, and now
there's a stick stuck in here.

And my hand's gettin' numb.

My hands are getting numb, too.

Dang it. How am I supposed
to solve this dumb thing

with dumb numb hands?

Agh! Hey, just curious...

Are we gonna be spending
the night here?

'Cause if so, we're gonna need
to add a few rooms

to this thing.

Oh. Make sure my room
has a California King.

And I want jets in the tub.

Lin, it's gonna start
getting dark soon,

and we still need to hike
three miles back down.

Also, the snacks are gone.

Guess we're gonna have
to scavenge.

Tina, go find that squirrel,
befriend it,

- and then betray it.
- Fine.

No! We're not eating squirrels

and we're not spending
the night.

Just leave me here.

Uh, uh, go back down to the car.

I'll-I'll figure it out.

-'Kay. -Bye, Mom. -Miss you.

Guys, no. We're not going
anywhere without your mother.

But snacks!

Oh, oh! I-I have a lozenge
in my pocket.

Everyone take a lick,
and-and maybe, uh,

huddle together to stay warm.

Blow on each other with
your nice hot family breath.

I'm saving my hot breath
for this.

- (playing harmonica)
- No!

Oh, it's you folks again. Heh.

That sounded like Bob Dylan
got caught in a trap.

- Thank you.
- Would you look at that sunset?

Wow. You folks
get a good picture?

(laughs weakly) Uh, funny story.

- Can it be a short story?
- Eh, it's pretty short.

Uh, my wife dropped the camera,

but then she caught it, now
her hand is stuck in that hole.

Yeah, she won't let go of it,
but if she did,

we could leave
and go to our warm house.

Sorry, did I say that out loud?

Mr. Ranger, here's the thing:

the best picture
we've ever taken as a family

is on this camera.

I need it to make holiday cards

because we never sent them out
the last couple years,

and-and people
are startin' to take us off

their card-giving lists,

- and-and-and if we...
- Uh, sure, sure,
sure, sure, sure.

- Look, we see this all the time.
- Really?

No. I just wanted
to stop you from talking

- so I can tell you something.
- Yeah?

You have to go.

No one can be in this park
after sunset.

Yup, uh, we'll-we'll be outta
here in a jiff.

Uh, I'm about to crack
this thing here.

Well, it's sunset now,
so you have to go right now.

This is like,
the main part of my job.

Well, I mean, this
and cleaning the bathroom.

Which I definitely always do.

Well, I'm not going anywhere
without this camera.

- You're not leaving?
- No.

Okay.
So this is your first warning.

Oh, um,
how many warnings are there?

There's three, and we're
nearing warning number two.

It's comin' around the bend.

Here she comes,
and second warning.

(sighs) Lin,
maybe just do what he says?

I can't, Bob.
I can't let go of this camera.

Third warning means I gotta
take away your park pass.

We were supposed
to have a park pass?

I mean, oh, uh-oh.

Do you not have a park pass,
sir?

Oh, uh, no, we do.

I was just thinking of another,
uh, pass that we have.

Oh, yeah.
We have so many passes.

- I, uh, pass, pass,
pass, pass.
- We hike all the time.

- Oh, so much. We love it.
- Yeah.

Well, you guys
didn't let me finish.

I'm gonna take away
your park pass,

I issue you a ticket,
and if you don't come willingly,

that's called,
"resisting a park ranger."

But who can resist
a man in uniform? Sorry.

So you're gonna have to pay
a hefty fine,

your family's gonna
be escorted out of the park,

and that's probably
not the best way

to wrap up
a quality family outing.

Anyway, warning number three.

- Lin, please.
- I, uh...

Do we have permission
to tickle her?

Do we have permission?!

Lin, I know this means
a lot to you,

but there's a ranger here
who is gonna make us pay

a lot of money
and also maybe carry you out?

Or me out? I'm not sure which.

- Let's play it by ear.
- Please carry me out.

Can you just, maybe,
I'm sorry but,

- let go of the camera?
- No way.

I'm not throwing away
my shot of us.

Look, folks, just to clarify,

the third warning
is not really a warning.

It's like the final thing,
and I just said it,

so that means now you're gonna
get Ranger arrested.

So, how are we gonna do this?

Come on, Mom,
you're so obsessed!

You gotta learn
to let things go. Literally.

Agh! Damn you, game!

Why did Santa curse me
with this...!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I just solved it!

(laughing) Yes. Yes!

(whoops)

Okay.
Now my life has no purpose.

That's, uh, great, Louise.

Lin, please.

Look, I know you all think
I'm crazy right now,

but it's-it's more
than just a picture,

and the-the cards.

It's about being a human.

These cards connect us
with other people.

And when there's no people left
in the world,

the aliens will find our cards,

and they'll be like,
"Aw, look at that family."

Oh, fine. Forget it.

My hand's so numb,
I probably should just drop it.

Okay, here I go.

- Ah...
- Wait, Mom, don't.

- My puzzle.
- Yeah, I know,
you solved your puzzle.

I'm proud of you, baby.

Didn't take you long at all.

(coughs): Eight days.

No, I think I know
how to get you out of there.

- And the camera.
- You do?

Yeah. We've been trying
to turn your arm,

but we need to turn you.

- Me?
- So, we'd have to turn
Mom upside down?

I think so?

I solved my puzzle by turning
the ball all the way around

while pulling.

Maybe that's how
we get you out...

We keep turning you until
we find the sweet spot,

and then wham-bam,
freedom, ma'am.

Hopefully.

- Huh.
- I mean, it's worth a try.

I call all the change
in her pockets.

And her ChapStick.

Um, Mr. Ranger,
would you mind helping us

turn my wife upside down?

I thought you would never ask.

-Oh. Really?
-But only because
I'm a park ranger

(clears throat) and it's my job,

and not because she just
made me cry a little bit

and I miss my family.

Uh, well, maybe if I grab here,
you lift there.

Kids, take the legs.

GENE:
This is exactly how Cirque
du Soleil got their start.

All right, we good? We ready?

- KIDS: Ready.
- RANGER: Check.

And, Lin, whatever you do...

Yeah, yeah? What, what?

Don't drop that camera.

Mwah. Even if my arm gets broken
into a million pieces.

Well, no, then you should
probably drop it.

Okay, here we go. (grunting)

(all grunting)

LINDA:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Watch it, watch it.

(Linda laughs triumphantly)

Ah! We did it!
We actually did it!

Oh, my God. Hello, hand.

Oh, come here, kids. Oh, Bobby.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

My family.

(laughs)
I'm so happy for you guys.

And I need you to immediately
leave the park.

Uh, yup, right. We're going.

Thank you, Mr. Park Ranger.

I've solved you, wooden puzzle,
and now I'm done with you.

Return to the hell
from which you came!

Okay, well, please don't just
throw puzzles you're angry at

- into the rock.
- Right. Sorry.

And, hey, keep a lookout
in your ranger station mailbox

for the best family portrait
card you've ever seen!

And they walked out of my life.

(Bob humming)

Anybody on lime time?

- I'd love some water.
- No! No water.

- Water is stupid juice.
- (bell jingles)

Okay... who wants to see 'em?

-Yes. -Me. -I do.

Okay, printing's not cheap,

so don't touch 'em if your hands
are gross and greasy.

Well, they always are
so what are you gonna do?

- Yeah, we work in a restaurant.
- Eh?

- LOUISE: Whoa.
- GENE: Ooh.

- Hot damn.
- Wow.

We'll never look
that good again.

I know. Take it in.

It's all downhill from here.

For you, Dad, and Mom.

- Not us. We're young.
- Thanks, Louise.

- My wiener's out.
- What?!

♪ Candy cane moose ♪

♪ We've had since Tina
was born ♪

♪ People think
you're a reindeer ♪

♪ But you're not,
you're a moose ♪

♪ Candy cane moose ♪

♪ We've had since Tina
was born ♪

♪ People think you're
a reindeer ♪

♪ But you're not,
you're a moose ♪

♪ Clothespin angel ♪

♪ Clothespin angel ♪

♪ Clothespin angel ♪

♪ Kiss 'em, kiss 'em ♪

♪ Clothespin angel ♪

♪ Come on, kiss 'em, kiss 'em ♪

♪ Clothespin angel ♪

- ♪ Kiss 'em, kiss 'em ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪