Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - The Hawkening: Look Who's Hawking Now - full transcript

LOUISE: And we can put
the screen over there.

Popcorn machine... here.

Tina over there.

She'd go great with the condiments.

I think I actually look
better by the windows.

Am I crazy?

And the signing booth...
I'm thinking right here.

Okay, let's not get
carried away, Louise.

It's just a friend coming
for lunch in two days.

A friend who stars
as a kick-ass samurai

in our favorite movies



and a pirate in that
one Verizon commercial,

and, sure, we're gonna do
a private screening of one

of his movies, but we shouldn't
let that make us crazy.

And I agree with you
about the signing booth,

which will also be a VIP booth, and...

we'll see who gets in.

It's fun having a
movie star as a friend.

More fun than regular friends.

I mean, Kojima's more our
friend... mine and Louise's.

You guys jumped on the bandwagon

- kind of late in the game.
- LINDA: Hmm.

Hey, everybody.

How's the screening party prep going?

Great. Don't worry, my dad



definitely has other clothes to wear.

Thanks again for hosting.
The Hawk & Chick fan club...

The Chicklets... are really
excited for the event.

And they're all fine with it not being

in an actual movie theater?

The Chicklets will be
thrilled no matter where

they're watching this
because I got my hands

on a super rare,
one-of-a-kind, director's cut

of Hawk & Chick Versus
Cephalopod Monster.

- Nice.
- Mm, you've done good, Dominic.

- (both grunt)
- You've done real good.

How'd you get a director's cut?

I was on the message
boards and wing-bam-boom!

A collector guy said
he'd loan us the print.

(growls) Love this guy.

This screening is gonna
be the most important event

the world has ever seen.

(music playing)

You guys, stop, please.

Louise, it's the Nobel Prize people.

(laughing): D-Do they give Nobel Prizes

for having movie screenings?

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Nobel?

I make all the other
winners look stupid?

And you're giving me your biggest bell?

Move people, move!

This is a big friggin' day!

Time to blow some minds.

All right, listen up, people!

I hate to tear you away
from all your sloppy Joes,

but you're gonna want to hear this.

Anything you have to
say to me, you can say it

in front of my sloppy Joseph.

Everyone is hereby invited

to a screening of a Hawk & Chick movie

at my family's restaurant this Saturday.

You're welcome.

Oh, I almost forgot my visual aid.

Eh? Voilà.

Hawk & Chick. Is that,
like, a bird sanctuary?

- (whispering): This is going great.
- Is it?

And we would go to that because... ?

Because, Tammy, first of all,

Hawk & Chick movies are amazing.

And secondly, Hawk, this
guy? He's gonna be there.

Yeah, that's right, our friend

and star of the movie, Shinji Kojima,

is gonna be there, and he's our friend.

Wait, a celebrity's gonna be there?

Yeah, that's what I just said.

- Who?
- Shinji Kojima.

Are you saying Shannen Doherty?

Are there bloopers?

I'm there if there're bloopers.

I like bloopers where
they can't stop laughing.

- Those make me laugh.
- (laughs) Me, too.

No. No bloopers.

Wow, that sounds amazing,
Louise, count me in.

Oh, my God, that kid's
arm looks like a burrito.

Um, it's a cast, Jocelyn.

He probably wants me to sign it.

It's like, ugh. Okay,
fine, I'll sign it.

Uh, oh, okay, sure.

I want to sign it. I want to sign it.

- Ow.
- What's your name?

Uh, uh, Rudy.

Ru... Dy.

Oh. You signed my name.

Okay, then, back to
screening party planning.

I just want to get a head
count for popcorn, so...

Poor Rudy, our wounded dove.

It's just, it's just not
fair. Oh, God. (crying)

How'd it happen? How's
the other guy look?

Uh, it was two hits:

My dad getting me a bunk bed

and me hitting the floor. Ugh.

Whoa, whoa! Let me do that.
Down the hatch.

- Down the hatch.
- (muffled): Thanks, Zeke.

Aw, how you doing, Rudy?

Oh, hey, Chloe.

Yeah, I'm doing okay.

I mean, I'm trying to "get better"

like you wrote on my cast.

Okay, everyone, Rudy's
gonna be fine. Geez.

Can we please just get back
to the Hawk & Chick planning?

Gosh, Louise, all these older
kids are so much more excited

about Rudy's cast and not
what you're talking about.

We all care about Rudy,
but arms break, okay?

Casts come and go.

And this is going away real soon.

Yup, coming off this Saturday.

I'll miss the head rubbing.

I really, really, really
like the head rubbing.

I want in on that. Come on. Come on.

- Me, too.
- Okay, no,

it's getting too close
to a noogie, guys.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Hi, Dominic.
- Hey.

Uh, so, listen, there's
been a little wrinkle

- in the screening party plans.
- Okay.

Well, uh, actually, it's
more of a snag than a wrinkle.

Snags aren't bad, look
at Dad. He has skin snags.

Uh, first of all, Tina,
they're called skin tags.

And I have one.

- Hundred.
- Anyway, Dominic, what's the problem?

Well, after I described the
"venue" to my collector connect,

he got a little apprehensive
about loaning us

the super rare director's cut

of Hawk & Chick Versus
Cephalopod Monster.

Right. Sure.

So this guy won't let
us borrow his film print

unless you put up a thousand
dollar deposit as collateral.

- Oh, n-n-no.
- Done.

- Not-not done.
- (chuckles) What do you mean?

I-I mean, we don't have a
thousand dollars to spare.

Yeah, right, that is very obvious,

but I'm saying you don't
have to have a thousand bucks.

You're just letting this
slightly uptight guy...

He sounds a little uptight...

- He's fussy.
- Hold the check temporarily,

and then when we return the print,

he rips up the check.
Am I missing something?

Sorry, Louise, we can't take
that risk. The screening is off.

Wait, a lot of people
from school are coming.

If we don't have the screening,
we don't get to show Koji off...

uh, I mean, we don't get to see Koji?

Well, we can probably still see him.

He's here to see Yuki's baby,
and I think he really wanted

to stop by the restaurant when we...

- begged him to stop by the restaurant.
- Yeah.

Great. I guess we won't do the one thing

- I've ever cared about.
- Thattagirl.

(grumbling): Stupid collector

and his stupid deposit.

Glow-in-the-dark cast? Damn.

They could lower you down
a well to find lost kids.

I want to see.

Oh, my God, it's so bright.

That's it, I'm gonna
break my arm after school.

- Do it.
- I'm going to.

Oh, hey, Louise. Everyone's
really looking forward

to your screening party tomorrow.

Great. Well, about that...

Yeah, it's the same day
I'm getting this sucker off.

Hey, we should celebrate.
Throw you a party.

- Yeah, a Cast Away party.
- Cast Away party.

I said it first. And I want to go.

- I said Cast Awa...
- Cast Away party.

- I said that.
- She said it first.

- I said it.
- Well, tomorrow's no good.

It's Louise's Hawk &
Chick screening party.

Actually... we have a
bit of an announcement.

Tina, wait, shh. No, we don't.

Um, yes, we do. The Hawk
& Chick screening party

- is actually canc...
- Totally still on.

Maybe we can do Rudy's Cast Away
party at your screening party.

Great idea, yeah.

I mean, there's probably
not time to do both,

and one is so clearly more important

than the other. Sorry, Rudes.

It's okay. I don't need a party.

I've had more attention with this

than when my backpack caught
on fire at Olive Garden.

- But the screening is...
- Is completely on.

See you there.

But how? Dad won't put down
the thousand smackeroos.

Ooh, that would be a
good breakfast cereal.

Yeah, maybe he won't, but we will.

DOMINIC: I thought your dad said

he couldn't afford the deposit.

No. Our parents are loaded.

They're just embarrassed about
how rich they are. In fact,

you got to promise not to
bring this check up to them.

- At all.
- Yeah. We don't even know

that they keep the checkbook in
the drawer by the cash register.

So wh-why would that come up?

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

And our dad is just learning cursive,

so his signature is not very good.

All right. Cool to learn
how the one percent lives.

One percent is what I call my wiener.

LOUISE: And so Dominic put
up the thousand bucks himself.

But he made me promise that you guys

wouldn't bring it up to him.

- Why not?
- 'Cause he used the money

his grandma left him when she died,

and if you mention it, he'll cry.

Aw, that's so sweet.

And he's a real sloppy
crier, so let's leave it be.

And all of that is true.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Sister, brother, my office?

Stop acting weird.

But it feels weird to go
behind Mom and Dad's back.

Not if you sneak up behind their back

and give 'em a little massage.

Listen, the screening
party is gonna be a hit,

then we'll return the
movie to the collector

and he'll throw away
the collateral check.

Forged collateral check.

Yes, that one.

And Mom and Dad will never know

that they almost ruined
the most amazing thing

that we've ever done in this place.
Meeting adjourned.

Dominic, how are we doing over there?

First reel's loaded and number
two's waiting till intermission.

I've also got a number two
waiting for intermission.

Everyone getting excited, feeling good?

Hot damn, I'm excited!

I haven't met anybody famous

since the clown at my
seventh birthday party.

He wasn't famous then,

- but later he killed somebody.
- Whoa.

Like, when is this celebrity
guy even getting here?

I'm tired of holding
this selfie stick up.

That's what that is?

I thought you were going,
like, skiing or something.

When's Shrek getting here?

- It's not Shrek, Andy.
- Spock?

- It's not Spock.
- Shrek?

- No.
- Star Shrek?

Wait, is this a Star Shrek movie?

No. There's no such thing.

Uh, hey, Louise, I know
you're kind of busy,

but maybe later you can find some time

to sign you-know-what.

I don't know how much
longer I'll be able

to save this spot for you.

And it's coming off later today,

so, you know, last chance.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe after the movie

- or, um, after the Q and A.
- (door opens, bell jingles)

Hey! There he is!

Here I am. (chuckles)

Ah, good to see you, Bob.

Get in here. (grunts)

Oh, that, uh, that... that feels good.

Ah, you feel like a
marshmallow wearing a T-shirt.

- Thank you?
- Ah...

You changed your shampoo.

I... I-I did.

- KOJIMA: Smell very nice.
- Bob, stop hogging him.

Come over here, you.

How's Yuki's little baby?

Unbelievable, the sweet cuteness.

It's a total cuddle party.

Pictures? You got pictures?

- Later. Later, Linda.
- Aw, you torture me.

- It's nice to see you, Dominic.
- You, too, Koji.

And look around,

the Hawk & Chick fan club is here.

Aha! Hello, Chicklets.

- (fans clamoring)
- Hi, I'm Teddy.

I'm sure these guys
told you all about me.

I, uh, looked at Japan the other day

on a globe... pretty small.

Uh... yes.

You know what, let's
get you to the VIP lounge

for the remainder of
the evening, shall we?

Excuse us, excuse us.

Kojima, meet my good friend Rudy.

Hello, Rudy. Ah, I see
you've been injured.

Yup. Night of sleep gone wrong.

You know, I once broke
my arm during a mime class

- in drama school.
- Oh.

I remained perfectly silent.

Stuck inside that damn box.

That's badass.

Ah, bup-bup-bup... you can talk later.

Right now we're gonna start the movie.

Dominic, show us what you got!

Hawk & Chick Versus Cephalopod Monster.

Cephalopod Monster?

This is the movie we're screening?

Uh-huh. And it gets even better.

We got the only print

of the never-before-seen-in-
a-movie-theater version:

the director's cut!

- Director's cut?
- Yep.

It's got stuff that was cut out

of the original theatrical release.

Isn't that great? My man.

G-Great. Y-Yes. Uh, uh...

Dominic, let's do it, huh?

Lights!

(film projector whirring)

♪ ♪

(woman screaming in movie)

Hey, K-Koji, where you going?

Excuse me while I-I take a huge pee.

(grunting)

Uh, Koji, what's going on? Buddy?

No one can ever see this!

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
-No! (grunts)

Dominic, did he steal half the movie?

- Yeah. He took the second reel.
- What the... ?

- Oh, no, your deposit.
- Oh, no, your deposit.

- Wait, what?
- Wait, what?

My deposit? Your deposit.

Your dead grandma's money?

Huh? My grandma isn't dead.

She lives an active life in Tucson

with my step-grandpapa.

Why are we talking about her?

- 'Cause you put down the collateral.
- I didn't. You did.

Louise gave me a check.
She said you guys were rich.

Oh, God. Louise, what's going on?

Did you forge my name
on one of our checks?

No. I mean, a little.

So we wouldn't have to
cancel the screening party.

You get-you get it, right?

Louise!

Koji, Koji, Koji, Koji.

He's not out there.

What the heck is going on?

Why would he steal his own movie?

I don't know. What do we do now?

Well, since there's still an audience,

I could try out my not-so-tight five.

Hey, I'm seeing a lot
of people here on dates.

You two, how'd you meet...
A striped shirt convention?

You just got Gene'd!
Thanks, that's my time.

BOB: (sighs) Voice mail again.

Hey, uh, hey, Koji. It's Bob, uh, again.

Just needing you to bring
that film print back.

We just need to get the
deposit from the collector,

the guy that Louise had
no permission to give

a thousand dollars to. This is Bob,

uh, Belcher from the whole thing earlier

when you ran off with
the priceless movie.

Okay, please call me.
Please call me. Call me.

That's your best one yet.

If he doesn't call back, he's a fool.

We're very disappointed
in you, miss Missy.

You were getting all
show-offy with your movie pal,

and you didn't think about how
you were putting the restaurant

in danger with that forged check.

You should only forge
for nuts. And berries.

Uh, that's different, Lin.

- You're thinking of "forage."
- What did I say?

- I-It's fine.
- Forge.

I'm sorry, but it's Hawk & Chick.

I had to do it. Deep down,
you wanted me to do it.

No, I didn't.

Look, Dominic is gonna
talk to the collector

and buy us some time.

We just got to track down Koji,

get the movie back, and we're good.

I mean, maybe try Yuki again?

No answer. Mailbox is full.
Probably from me.

- (phone vibrates)
- Oh, wait, wait. She's texting.

"Got your messages. My dad's not here.

"I haven't seen him all day.

Thank you for your concern."

Thank you for your concern?

-Where could he have gone?
-Huh. There's something on that reel

that he didn't want anyone to see.

Wait, we have Hawk & Chick
Versus Cephalopod Monster

- on VHS.
- So?

So maybe if we watched
it we can figure out

why he wanted it so bad and maybe know

how to get him to bring it back?

I guess it's worth a shot.

Ooh, let's make nachos.

♪ Nachos, nachos, nachos. ♪

All right, well, this is
the second half of the movie,

so I guess look for anything weird?

(Gene grunting)

♪ ♪

- BOB: Wait, what the...
- GENE: Did I just wake up

- from a really quick coma?
- Oh, phew.

It wasn't just me? I had
a longer-than-normal blink.

Looks like a bad edit. Maybe the editor

got a little slice-happy,
like I do with my toenails.

Still hurts to walk on this foot.

We've seen this one a bunch of times.

How have we never noticed
that? Or maybe we did

but just assumed it was our crappy VCR?

So the director's cut
has that missing scene,

and that missing scene is what
Koji didn't want us to see.

I bet it's something
scary, like it's haunted.

A haunted scene?

- (TV turns off)
- Yeah, like maybe there was

a real-life death on set.

- Happens all the time.
- Maybe some extra was killed,

and then her ghost haunted the set.

The camera filmed the ghost,

but they didn't realize
it till way later,

and they had to cut it
out of the movie, or else

audiences everywhere
would've been haunted.

- Boo!
- (screams) Oh, my God.

That's probably exactly what happened.

Or the more likely version

is Koji was out at
the discos every night.

It was the height of
his celebrity in Tokyo,

and it was the '70s.

Big hair. Bigger disco ball.

Drinks were on him. Sushis all around.

He ran up a massive disco bill

that he couldn't afford to pay.

So he had to do the club owner a favor

and get his nephew a part in a movie.

And he was terrible. He
could never find his mark,

forgot all his lines, and, worst of all,

he sneezed on the craft services table,

destroying all the takoyaki.

Geez, that's a pretty
good theory there, Gene.

Maybe the missing
scene was a love scene.

Not a hard "R." Maybe right on the line?

What if the woman inside
the Cephalopod Monster suit

was Koji's one true
love? It started small.

Chitchat in hair and makeup,

knock-knock jokes, and their love grew.

And when it came time
to kill the monster,

Koji dropped his sword
and had a passionate kiss.

With tongue. The studio
had to cut the scene,

and now Koji can't bear to be
reminded of his one true love.

- That's so sad.
- (sighs) Okay.

This has not at all been
helpful in finding Kojima.

Oh, no, the-the screening went great.

Yeah, we-we should have
your super rare print back

later today. And why-why wouldn't we?

(chuckles) What? I sound nervous? No.

I always sound this way. (chuckles)

Do you want to talk to
Bob? He can reassure you.

-Here you go.
-Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't want to talk...

Uh, hi, hey. Hi. Hi there.

This is Bob, the guy who, um,
who totally has your movie.

No, I-I didn't think he
sounded nervous, n-no.

(chuckles): Now, wait.
Wait, I-I... I sound nervous?

No, no, no, we-we just both have, um...

Oh, my God, we have bees on us.

Uh, I better hang up
and deal with these bees.

- Oh, God! Bees!
- (phone rings)

Nice.

Bob's Burgers.

Yuki?

(gasps) He's at your house?

Louise is there, too?

Wait, Louise is there?
When did she leave?

-A while ago.
-Lin, can I talk to her? Can I talk to her?

How's the baby? How you sleeping?

Never mind. Tell her we're coming over.

Oh, is he gassy?

Aw, little baby gas. Little tiny toots.

- Lin, see you in the car.
- Ooh, the baby.

- Koji.
- Stay back!

Take another step, and I'll
slice this movie into bits.

- (baby coos)
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.

BOB: Oh, my God. What's going on?

Stay back. I just need to cut one scene.

Don't try anything,

or I will cut up the whole movie.

E-Easy, Kojima.

You don't want to do that.
I-It's a one-of-a-kind print,

and I will lose a lot of money
if anything happens to it.

- How did you find me?
- I called them.

- No. Yuki, no.
- Yes, Dad, yes.

Did you hide my phone
when I was napping?

Uh, the baby did?

Well, I found it and listened

to Bob's 15 crazy, ranting messages.

Well, five ranting. I
think ten were reasonable.

Louise, how'd you know he was here?

I didn't, but I figured
it had to be Koji texting

from Yuki's phone.
It sounded too formal.

It was like when I text from Mom's phone

- to explain why I missed school.
- Wait, what?

- How'd you get here?
- I took the bus.

Why didn't you tell us
where you were going?

'Cause I didn't know if I was right,

but I... I-I just wanted to fix it.

Dad, what is happening?

Let me make this edit.

I just found the scene.

What can be so bad
that you don't want us

- to see?
- I... I cannot say.

Is it maybe because the scene

- is haunted?
- What? No.

Right, because that scene
is actually a passionate kiss

between you and your one true love,

the woman inside the
squid monster thingy.

Who? Haruto?

He's a nice guy, but he's not my type.

Perhaps running up a big ol' disco bill

- had something to do with it?
- Eh? No.

(whispers): Let's distract
him and grab the movie.

Hey, Mom, I bet you'd
love to hold that baby.

(gasps) Please, can I hold the baby?

- Sure.
- Oh, give me the baby!

Oy! Oy! (groans)

Dad, hand-off, hand-off.

But-but please.

I don't want the world to know.

Kojima, I'm sorry, but
whatever's on this thing,

- it-it can't be that bad.
- Oh, it can't?

Kojima, please, just tell us.

This is all my fault. I just...

I love Hawk & Chick so much,

and I was just trying to
get everyone else to like it.

I don't know, I wanted to
be a big shot and show off

and do the screening,
and if it weren't for me,

you wouldn't be freaking
out right now, and...

(sighs) Just tell us so we can help.

(groans) All right.

Have you ever heard of Itsuki Sugimoto?

- ALL: No.
- Exactly.

No one has heard of him,
and this is because of me.

I-I don't understand.

Come. I will show you.

-(projector whirring)
-KOJIMA: That is Itsuki Sugimoto.

This no-name actor comes in.

He had one scene.

One scene. But the camera loved him.

- He blew me off the screen.
- LINDA: Oh, yeah.

- He's amazing.
- He's, like, all I can look at.

Yeah, there's your movie.

Stop cutting to Hawk.

- I mean, sorry.
- No, you're right.

I look like a guy

pretending to be a samurai,

but he is putting on an acting clinic

in the middle of my movie.

When we finished filming,
all anyone could talk about

was Itsuki this, Itsuki that, Itsuki...

(frustrated mumbling)

So I used my influence to
get him cut out of the film.

BOB: So what happened to him?

KOJIMA: He does local theater.

Teaches acting.

He spends a lot of time
with his grandchildren.

Uh, I stalk him online.

And you've never apologized to him?

He doesn't even know it was me.

He thinks it was the studio
who cut him from the movie.

Maybe you should call
him and say you're sorry.

What time is it in Japan right now?

4:00? 4:30? Dinnertime?
Maybe 6:00? 6:35?

I mean, you could also try
and get this version released.

-(phone vibrates)
-I don't have much pull these days,

but I could try.

Maybe get him some swag.

Hawk & Chick beer Koozie?

Oh, guys, that's the collector. Uh,

we should probably get this back to him.

Yes. Please. Now. Because of the money.

See? Told you this would
work itself out, huh?

Oh, don't think you're not
in trouble, little lady.

- I know, I know.
- And we're putting

an alarm system on that checkbook.

If you get within five
feet of it, it'll go,

"No, Louise. No, Louise."
(imitating alarm blaring)

- Hey, Rudy.
- Oh, hey.

How's your arm? It looks... really pale.

Yeah. And my muscles atrophied a bit.

Well, that-that's been happening.

Listen, I'm sorry that I
didn't want the screening

to also be your Cast Away party.

I should've shared
the spotlight with you.

No, that-that's okay.

I'm sure it'll break again soon.

We're not returning the bunk bed,

and my dad just got me a trampoline.

I never even signed your cast.

Well, it's not too late.

The spot I saved you is still there.

Aw, that's nice.

Whoa! That thing stinks.

- (coughs)
- Oh, yeah. That's seven weeks

of unwashed Rudy arm.

(sniffs) I kinda like it.

Hey, you know what? How about we have

your Cast Away party after school today?

- Really?
- Yeah.

What if I take you out
for a frozen yogurt?

Oh, is that a party?

- (grunts)
- Ow! Ow! I'm kidding. I-I'm kidding.

- Can I get toppings?
- You tell me. You're paying.

ANNOUNCER: Hastings
Classics proudly presents

the director's cut of Hawk & Chick

Versus Cephalopod
Monster: The Final Slice.

This never-before-seen version features

your favorite father-daughter
traveling barber/samurais

as they battle the
giant Cephalopod Monster

and its destructive tentacles.

This digitally remastered re-release

includes restored scenes featuring

the debut of Itsuki Sugimoto.

Order today. Take the director's cut

of Hawk & Chick Versus
Cephalopod Monster

home to your village.