Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 19 - The Handyman Can - full transcript

There she is. There's my growing girl.

The right one is a little
bigger, just like Mom.

I call them "the twins."

The small one's Danny DeVito.

Kids, stop goofing around
and start wiping those menus,

or you're not going to the
trampoline park next weekend.

I can't believe we finally get
to go to I Gotta Take a Jump.

I know. Our lives are usually so sad.

I can't wait to finally
own a pair of those

fashion-forward trampoline socks.

Tramp socks!



Yeah, well, we had a pretty good month,

and I kinda want to go, too.

I want to do that move
where I land on my butt

and then bounce back
and land on my feet,

like Marilu Henner.

Teddy still not here?
I really need him to fix

that light in the walk-in.

Aw, is it still flickering
on and off every few seconds?

Yes, and I keep hitting my head.

Ooh. Ow. Crap!

Have you tried replacing the light bulb?

- That's my trick.
- Yes, Tina.

I tried that. It's not the light bulb.

It's some kind of electrical
short-circuit wire... thingy.



- Look at you with all those words.
- JIMMY: Hey, Bob.

Saw you through the
window with an ice bag.

Did you hurt yourself?

- Yes, Jimmy.
- Ha!

Just kidding, I don't care.

You're dumb. Bye-bye.

Bye yourself, Jimmy!

Go back to your restaurant,

- where you... work!
- (door opens, bell jingles)

- Damn it.
- Hi, Bob, Linda, kids.

Oh, Teddy, hi. Oh, no, what's
wrong? You look all frowny.

Did you just realize that
you eat here every day?

No, no. It's a long story.

Um, okay, well, do you
think you could get started

on the electrical stuff in the walk-in?

Yeah, I-I don't know, Bob.

You might want to ask someone
else to do that for you.

Wait, really? Wh-Why
wouldn't you just do it?

Eh, you know how I've been
installing a ceiling fan

and an outlet in Reggie's gazebo?

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, well, I-I just found
out that there was some kind

of short, and it burned down.

- Aw.
- Luckily, everybody's okay.

But I really don't know how it happened.

All I know is that it was my fault.

It was all my fault!

(sobbing): It was all my fa...

Okay... okay, just take it easy, Teddy.

Bob, let him cry, he's upset.

I know, it's just, like,
we're wasting napkins.

(blows nose noisily)

Now I don't know if I can trust myself.

I'm a danger to society.

I'm the opposite of a
handyman. I'm a handy-sham.

Teddy, listen. You made a mistake.

Nobody's perfect. Like Ben Franklin.

He got electrocuted that one time,

but he didn't stop doing
whatever he was doing, right?

And now he's on an oats box.

- What?
- The point is,

Bob and I aren't worried,
and we're still gonna hire you

to fix the light in the walk-in, right?

- We-we will?
- Yeah.

Who else would do it?

I mean, it's not like we're
gonna hire someone else.

- Right, Bob?
- Right.

Uh, Lin, can I talk
to you in the kitchen?

I think we should hire someone else.

Bob, no.

I mean, he burned down a gazebo.

So what? Who hasn't?

Teddy's always done a good job for us.

We believe in him.

I mean, we believe in
how inexpensive he is.

But maybe we call another
guy just this one time.

Okay, but it's gonna cost us,
like, two and a half Teddys.

Oh, right. This maybe means

we can't afford to go
to the trampoline park?

One of us should probably tell the kids.

- Not it.
- No!

ALL: What?!

Hey, you could jump right here. Right?

You don't need a trampoline.

You see? Look.

(grunting)

Oh, my knees. Oh, my boobs. Oh, my back.

- Oh, God.
- Sorry, kids.

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.

You don't want a real electrician.

Are you nuts? They're gonna point out

all sorts of crazy stuff
that's wrong with this place.

And your body.

You're too poor and too
proud to fix any of that.

Yeah, you're right.

But I don't know if we
have any other choice.

Teddy doesn't even want to do the job.

But if he says he will,
then you'll let him?

I don't know. Maybe.

But what if he, uh, gets his groove back

and-and feels better about himself?

And then you feel better
about his electrical ability.

And by this time next week we'll be dead

from bouncing so much,
but what a way to go.

I still think we should
call someone else.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just
hold that thought, pal.

I'm gonna go fix up that fixer-upper.

- Tina, take his order.
- Okay.

- Hey, Teddy, you want a burger?
- (Teddy sighs)

I'm too sad to eat.
Maybe I'll have a burger.

Actually, could I get two?

Hey, buddy. Rough day, huh?

Listen, you can't beat yourself up

- over a little mistake.
- I burned down a gazebo.

Okay, that was a bad thing to do,

but here's what you need to know.

You're the secret weapon to this

broken-down old pile of crap.

Right, guys?

Yeah. Not only do we need
you to fix the walk-in,

we're gonna need you to
fix all kinds of stuff.

This place is messed up.

Also, Ken wants to
solarize his party deck.

- Ah, I don't know.
- Teddy, think about it.

Who's gonna fix this place
when, uh, we get the, um,

the Hundred Year Storm?

Hundred Year Storm? What's that?

(scoffs) Are you serious?

You don't know about
the Hundred Year Storm?!

No, I just said that.

Well, you better learn about it,

'cause they say it's coming.

They don't know when,
but it's coming. Imagine.

The world is covered in
water, no land in sight.

Society has completely broken down.

Society has completely broken down!

People scavenge on the surface,
and things are wet and wild.

Blow on the sail, Harold.

Okay. (blowing weakly)

Do it better!

LOUISE: Thankfully, we
still have our dependable,

reasonably priced handyman Teddy

to keep our business afloat, literally.

All done fixing the light down
in the walk-in, Bob. Easy peasy.

Thanks, Teddy. And thanks
again for converting

the restaurant into a barge.

That was really helpful since
the world is all water now.

No problem. Hey, has
anyone seen my truck?

I parked it right out in front. (laughs)

Just kidding. It's
gone. Everything's gone.

Wait, this is your pep talk, Louise?

The whole world is covered in water?

- Yeah, that seems sad.
- Unless you're a fish.

Then it's like, "I finally
get to go to Disneyland."

But every room has an
ocean view. That's nice.

Everybody just shush, shush, shush.

Some say that during the storm,

all the candy in Wonder Wharf
stuck together and formed

a huge candy island.

People have looked for it,
but no one's ever found it.

Until one day...

(straining) Hi, Louise.

I'd like to order two
burgers to go, please.

You got it. Hope you
like extra-wet buns.

Hey, have you considered
putting them in a plastic bag?

I'm using those to hold
all my People magazines.

Two burgers with extra-wet
buns coming right up.

LOUISE: And that's when I see it.

A weird pattern on Rudy's back.

Huh, check out that weird
pattern on Rudy's back.

It's not nice to talk about
patterns on people's back...

Oh, wait, that's weird.

Yeah. I think it might
be a map to Candy Island.

But just then we get a little
visit from some pirates.

Puberty Pirates.

Well, well, well, look
at what we have here.

Ugh, what do you want, Logan?

What do you think I want?

I want to snatch that
little back-map boy

and crown myself the
king of Candy Island.

Back map? Who's he talking about?

Oh, oh, this back map.

Baby got back map.

Okay, so the world is
gonna be covered in water

and the restaurant's gonna be a barge?

Yes, and Teddy's the
one who's gonna save us.

When the storm comes,
having a great handyman

is gonna be the difference
between life and death,

and us going to a trampoline park.

But that's unrelated! Forget
I said anything about that.

- Teddy, look at me. Focus.
- Okay. Okay.

So, the Puberty Pirates
have us cornered,

just as we discover
the map to Candy Island

is on Rudy's back.

(straining): Get away.
Get away. Get away.

Back off, Logan. You're not taking Rudy

and his tramp stamp anywhere.

Not even when he's old and
we call it a gramp stamp.

Well, I guess there's only one way

to deal with these
shrimps: with shrimps.

Fire up the cannons, boys.

LOUISE: The pirates have
cannons full of shrimp bullets.

- We all take cover.
- Aah, take cover! Shrimp bullets!!

GENE: No. Some of us are allergic.

LOUISE: As we get shelled by shellfish,

the pirates grab the booty,
which is Rudy, and speed off.

- Damn it!
- Actually, Louise,

we might be able to catch them.

How, Teddy? We're on a barge.

Well, there's something
I've been working on.

You know, just in case something
like this ever happened.

LOUISE: Wh-What?!

That's amazing engineering

and also great electrical wiring, Teddy.

And it looks completely safe.

Okay, hold on.

Wahoo!

We chased after the pirates.

Hey, can I get a burger? Aah!

And it takes us no time to catch up.

But we also did a little
tubing along the way,

just 'cause it's fun.

All ri... ight!

LOUISE: As we pull up alongside...

LOGAN: Oh, it's you.

You want a little more shrimp cocktail?

Fire!

GENE: Aah! No, thank you!

Oh, no, how are we gonna get on board

to get the booty, which is Rudy?

Teddy, what do we do now?
You're so smart and capable.

Well, I've been working
on another thing.

I don't know if this will help at all,

but I took all the plumbing out,

since the whole world's a toilet now,

and I made these enemy
ship-boarding poles.

Oh, like those things in

- Mad Max Fury Road?
- Yeah.

Which you definitely
haven't seen, right?

No. I wouldn't even know
how to stream that movie

- over and over with Mom's password.
- Oh, good.

Launch us, Teddy, you
beautiful, handy bastard.

ALL: Whoa!

(Louise exclaims)

(Gene exclaims)

Whoa.

Everyone seems like they
know what they're doing.

Aah! (grunts) I'm okay.

Mmm...

(Logan grunting)

(crying out)

(both grunting)

- (grunts)
- Nice to feel wanted.

Could you swing back
and grab my inhaler?

Thanks.

No!

Damn you and your
super-confident handyman.

LOUISE: After that, we
set sail for Candy Island,

where we lived for the rest of our lives

like taffy-covered royalty.

TINA: I think this is the
beginning of a beautiful tummy ache.

GENE: Seems like the kind
of place I could settle down.

Farm candy corn. Marry a gummy bear.

That's why we need you,
and only you, Teddy,

to be our handyman. The end.

Okay, I have a few questions.

I'm sorry, we're not taking
questions at this time.

Well, I'm impressed.

I love how Teddy turned
our restaurant into a barge

to save us from the flood.

Like the guy in the
Bible with all the pets.

Yeah. And you know what's
easier than turning a restaurant

into a barge?

Rewiring the walk-in. (chuckles)

What do you say we do
that right now, Teddy, huh?

- You up for it?
- Uh, I really wish I could, Louise,

but I don't think so.

Not after what happened to Reggie's...

Ah, I can't even say it.

- Gazebo.
- Aah! Yeah.

I-I'm not going anywhere
near an electrical panel.

What if someone gets hurt?

Well, I guess that settles it.

I better start looking
for an electrician.

Uh, it's the right call, Bob.

I just hope I don't get too
jealous of your chemistry.

Wait, wait, hold on, Dad.

I have something to say, too.

- No.
- Bob.

Sorry. Okay, Tina,
what do you want to say?

Teddy, you're such a good handyman.

You could do even more than
turn our restaurant into a barge.

You got this, Tina.

Get us to that sweet trampoline dream.

What if there was an
international incident?

Wh-What if the most
important cultural figures

of our time needed help?

Breaking news. We are just getting word

that the world-famous
boy band Boyz 4 Now

appears to be stranded at
the top of Mount Everest,

where they were shooting a music
video for their newest single,

"I'll Love You 4 Everest."

All rescue efforts have stalled
due to the dangerous terrain.

And time, oxygen and
catering are all running out.

Oh, no. Boyz 4 Now are in trouble.

Oh, my God, my sweet,
sweet Boo Boo! I mean...

(scoffs) Whatever.

I don't care. Calm down.

(groans)

TINA: Luckily, our trusty and
skilled handyman Teddy

happens to be fixing something
in the restaurant downstairs.

Hey, everybody, I fixed that
light in the walk-in for you.

Took me, like, two seconds. No big deal.

Thanks, Teddy. Oh, and by
the way, you look great.

Really toned.

Thanks, Bob. I've been doing a lot of

- leg lifts and things.
- I love it.

Yeah, I know. I look pretty good, right?

BOB: Wait.

- What?
- What?

Never mind. Keep going.

Hey, guys, make room
on the couch for Teddy.

- Or I can just sit in your lap, Bob.
- Sure.

Uh-oh, Teddy, You
forgot your seat belt.

(laughs) Oh, right.

- Got to put that on.
- Click.

(both laugh)

- (sighs)
- Oh, my God.

- Hey, Tina, what's wrong?
- (sighs)

Boyz 4 Now is stuck at
the top of Mount Everest.

They're probably cold and hungry

and having tons of emotions right now.

I just feel helpless, stuck here

with them all the way on
the other side of the world.

Well, I've been working on
a little project downstairs.

- I don't know if it'll help at all.
- Really? What is it?

Teddy, you're the best
handyman in the world.

I'm sure whatever you're working
on is gonna be incredible.

- Come here.
- (both grunting)

- (laughs)
- I just want to squeeze you.

Hey, Zeke, don't you think
Tina's really interesting?

- (chuckles) Yeah.
- Cool.

- Dude. What?
- Whoa...

Hi, Zeke. Hi, Jimmy Junior.

What's happening, Tina?

Teddy turned our restaurant
into a hot-air balloon.

He's really reliable and
almost never makes mistakes.

TEDDY: Watch out.
Restaurant coming through!

TINA: Okay, bye. I have to go
to the Himalayas real quick.

JIMMY JR.: Uh, okay.

Himalayas? More like See-you-layas.

Go get it, girl!

Wow. So future Teddy is
gonna put a hot-air balloon

on top of the restaurant? He's so handy.

Yup. He's the best in the biz.

Teddy does all the handy jobs.

Gene, don't say "handy jobs."

And that's why it's no big deal for him

to fix the light in the walk-in.

Instead of some expensive idiot.

Eh, I don't know, guys.

Every time I start to
think maybe I can do this,

I picture Reggie's gazebo up in
flames and Reggie on his knees

crying like Tom Hanks in that movie

where he loses his volleyball.

You'll have to be more specific.

Maybe it's time I hung up my tool belt.

I could always pick up shifts

stocking shelves at the supermarket.

No one's gonna get hurt if
I stock a can of soup wrong.

I mean, someone could get
really hurt if it fell on them.

Oh, God, I didn't even think of that.

Okay, that's helpful. Thank you, Dad.

Maybe let's get back to my story?

- Sorry.
- So, as we're flying above the clouds,

racing to the Himalayas as fast
as we can, the Boyz 4 Now guys

struggle with the greatest
challenge of all, friendship.

I told you guys mountains are too high.

Don't look at me. This
was Boo Boo's idea.

I said we should go to a mountain.

I didn't say it had to
be one of the Everests.

There's only one Mount Everest, Boo Boo.

Um, hey, Matt, your
grandpa called. It's you.

- BOTH: Oh!
- Yeah. Yeah.

TINA: We arrive at
the only Mount Everest.

But the winds are too high
to land our balloon-staurant.

GRIFFIN: Look. Somebody came for us.

In a hot-air balloon. Who is that?

ALLEN: That's our biggest
and most interesting fan,

- Tina Something.
- LINDA: Wait.

They don't know your
name in your own story?

- That checks out.
- They meet a lot of people, okay?

It's fine. For a moment, it seems like

we came all the way across
the world for nothing.

Oh, God, please. Get us off this peak.

Or throw down a fajita wrap,

no chipotle sauce, low-carb tortilla.

We don't have that.
We're a burger place.

Tina, make it happen.
It's frickin' Boo Boo!

We'll see what we can do!

Wait, Tina, I have an idea.

I-I've been working on something.

I don't know if it'll be
helpful or not, but here goes.

TINA: Whoa.

- Is that a rescue booth?
- Wow!

You've out-Teddy'd yourself once again.

TEDDY: Boyz 4 Now, your
table for four is ready.

- Cool.
- Awesome.

TINA: But suddenly there's an avalanche.

You guys, hurry, there's
an avalanche coming.

- Pretty dramatic twist, huh?
- Um, yeah,

but if they're at the
top of the mountain,

wouldn't an avalanche
get... Right? 'Cause...

- What do you mean? Av-Ava...
- Avalanches...

They happen... Avalanches
happen on mountains, Dad.

- Right, but if they're... Uh, forget it.
- Yeah, Bob.

- Avalanches happen on mountains.
- All right. Keep going.

Save Boo Boo! The others don't matter!

TINA: With Teddy's brilliant
invention and strong legs,

the Boyz 4 Now barely
miss the avalanche,

which was at the top of
the mountain, 'cause that

- can totally happen.
- GRIFFIN: You saved us all.

Yeah, that's what I said
to do. "Save them all."

Hey, here's a crazy
idea I just came up with:

What if we shoot our music video

in this hot-air balloon
fajita restaurant?

You think you could help
us, Tina S-Something?

Are you asking me to
direct your music video?

Kind of.

TINA: And that's how I won the
Academy Award for music videos.

And lastly and most importantly,

I'd like to thank our handyman Teddy,

who can definitely
handle electrical stuff.

The end. Great job,
Teddy, great job, Tina.

Wow. I didn't even know I
knew how to do that stuff,

but now that I know, I
can totally see how I knew.

So, are you ready to fix
the light in the walk-in?

Um, uh...

No, no, no. I-I can't do it.

- I-I just mess everything up.
- (groans)

Uh, Teddy, I think I'm gonna
go ahead and, uh, make the call

- to the electrician.
- (sighs)

It's for the best, Bob.
I-I can't watch, though.

Wait, stop, stop, stop.

- Father, stop.
- Ow, Gene. Easy.

I need to say something
before you make that call.

- Okay.
- To Teddy.

- Uh-huh.
- This Teddy.

Yes, Gene, I know.

Teddy, you're gonna do great
things in this restaurant.

Just like Louise and Tina said.

But nothing is greater than
what I'm about to tell you

that you are going to do.

Thanks for getting us
this pet lizard, Father.

Yeah. He's our first child.

Ah, don't mention it.

I, uh, basically love
you guys, you know.

Jimmy, stop dumping your nasty
old sauce in the storm drain.

It stinks up the whole block.

Aha! Joke's on you, Bob.

This sauce isn't old,
it just smells old.

(laughs) Idiot.

GENE: That evening, the
lizard gets away, even though

Andy and Ollie are staring right at it.

Bye.

GENE: He makes his way
into the storm drain,

where he's exposed to
super nasty, old-smelling,

possibly radioactive pizza sauce.

He starts to grow and grow and grow,

until he becomes... Pizzilla!

LINDA: Oh, I love it. It's
the pizza that eats you.

(roars)

GENE: Pizzilla stomps
through the city streets,

leaving destruction
and terror in his path.

Not only did Jimmy Pesto's nasty sauce

mutate him into a huge
monster, it also mutated

something else: his farts.

- (farts)
- (growls)

(coughing)

- Don't hurt him!
- He's our son!

GENE: Luckily, our trusty
handyman Teddy is with us.

Hey, Bob, Linda, I fixed
that light in the walk-in.

Easiest job I ever...

Teddy, don't worry about that right now.

We've got bigger problems.

What do you mean? What's going on?

There's a giant lizard
destroying the city.

And he's making his way
toward the restaurant.

Should we recommend a better restaurant?

I can't believe this
is how we're gonna go.

I always thought I'd grow old and sexy

like the grandma from Who's the Boss?

If only there was some
way to fight this thing.

We're just a tiny restaurant

with no real combat capabilities.

That's when Teddy comes clean.

He wasn't just a
handyman like we thought.

He was a genius.

Actually, there's something
I need to tell you guys.

While I've been doing odds
and ends around the restaurant,

I've also been working
on something else.

- A little side project.
- Like a rap album?

No. Just something I
planned in case something

- like this lizard thing ever happened.
- Oh.

GENE: And just like that,
before our very eyes, we watched

the restaurant transform
into a lizard-fighting

Robo-burger-bot.

Each of us operates a
different part of the machine.

Mom and Tina in the arms,

Louise and Dad in the
feet, me in the head,

and Teddy is our eyes
and ears in the butt.

Teddy gives us all a
somewhat long and detailed

but still very helpful tutorial

on how to work the robot's buttons.

Uh, this button makes it squat.

This one does silly wrists.

This one is a "Oh, no, you didn't."

And, uh, all the
others are for fighting.

ALL: Robo-burger-bot, engage!

GENE: And we're off to
defeat the drain lizard.

Let's go drain that lizard.

GENE: The battle rages for hours,

the two giants evenly matched,

crushing buildings and sending
people running in terror.

(wails) I'm totally in terror.

GENE: But the lizard's flatulence

- is its most effective weapon.
- (farts)

- Ugh!
- (all groaning)

- Oh, God. Oh, pew.
- Oh!

GENE: That's when Teddy has
one of his great handyman ideas.

Wait. I think I know what to do.

I just got to wire
this one thing together

with this other thing
really quickly and safely.

It just might be our last shot.

Now we just got to
hope it takes the bait.

(farting)

(laughs)

- Yes!
- GENE: It works!

Teddy knows the only thing
that could stop the lizard

was the power of farts
and laughing about farts.

The lizard stops attacking
and pulls the robot's finger

over and over and
over and over and over!

- Uh, okay, Gene. We get it.
- Anyway, Robo-burger-bot

and Pizzilla become best friends

who spend all their time
splashing in the ocean,

pulling each other's fingers,

and farting and laughing. The end.

And that's why we need you to
fix the light in the walk-in...

- I'll do it.
- Oh. Oh.

- Wait, what?
- That's what did it for you?

- Yeah.
- Really?

The lizard and robot
farting on each other?

That's what changed your mind?

I-I don't know. All of them.

All of these stories made
me feel a little bit better.

I guess it just helps to know

that you guys really believe in me.

And it makes me, you
know, believe in myself.

Aw, you see? All you needed
was a little pep talk.

A little handyman-yes-you-can.

Yeah. You don't need
a licensed contractor.

I mean, if we could
afford it, we would...

Bob.

You just need someone with
a good heart and good ideas,

- like me.
- Yep, yep. Right.

You know what? I'm gonna
call Reggie and tell him

I'm gonna build him a bigger
and better gazebo, no problem.

Reggie? Hi. It's... Oh. Got it.

No, I know. Okay. Bye.

Yeah, he's still pretty mad at me.

You're not gazee-bros yet?

No, Gene. We're not gazee-bros yet.

Well, I better go grab my tools

and get started on that walk-in, huh?

I'll get to that robot hot-air
balloon barge stuff later.

- (door opens, bell jingles)
- Good job, kids.

I guess you win. And we all... lose?

Our restaurant's probably
gonna burn down now,

but at least you get to
go to the trampoline park.

- Yes! - Yay!
- I'm gonna dislocate something

and I can't wait to see what it is!

♪ Girl, you're at
the top of my world ♪

♪ The view from up here's the best ♪

♪ So cute in your puffy vest ♪

♪ Girl, you're higher
than all the birds ♪

♪ The one I could never get ♪

♪ I'll love you for Everest ♪

♪ I want to climb
with you in the snow ♪

- ♪ Even if it gives me a cold ♪
- Achoo.

♪ Don't care if my
lips turn purple ♪

♪ Girl, you'll always be my Sherpa ♪

♪ Girl, you're at
the top of my world ♪

♪ The view from up here's the best ♪

♪ So cute in your puffy vest ♪

♪ Girl, you're higher
than all the... ♪