Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 17 - Just the Trip - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Hi. We're open!

Uh, it looks worse than it
is. We-we just had a leak,

and then part of the ceiling caved in,

and, uh, oh... oh, he left.

Don't worry, Bob. Leak is already fixed.

I'll have this hole
patched up by nighttime.

So, this is how I spend

the last day of spring break, huh?

Watching Teddy fix a leak.

It was pretty cool
when it dripped a lot,



and then dripped less,
you have to admit.

I'm so bored I'd rather
go back to school.

If they'll have me.

I saw on the news that it's
good for kids to be bored.

Otherwise, you turn into a screen saver.

Ugh! It's spring break, and
we've done nothing, woman.

That's not true. Gene farted.

That was hours ago!

- Uh-oh, look out. Nat attack!
- Nat!

- Linda! Kids! Robert!
- Hello, Natalie.

I'm here to pick up
a little lunch to go.

- From here? Nat, no.
- Yep, got a road trip going on today.

Bought myself a set of
Jazzercise CDs to pass the time.

You don't have to be
exercising to enjoy the music.



- Nice.
- How fun. Road trip. Where you going?

I'm headed out to my ex-girlfriend's

animal sanctuary.

- She bought a zoo?
- It's not a zoo.

Theresa runs a rescued animal sanctuary

about 90 minutes out of town.

It's mainly illegal exotic animals

that rich people had as
pets. She's got an alligator

that one of the Big Bangs
kept in their hot tub.

I'm not gonna say which Big Bang,

but it's not the one you think.

Oh, yeah. I heard about that.

It was the one I thought.

Just because they're smart on the show

doesn't mean they make good decisions.

Going to see your ex-girlfriend, huh?

You showing off how
successful your business is

by driving it to her?

Nah. It's just a little
too far to go on my blades.

And I, uh, have to
return something of hers.

Ugh. It's no fair.

Even Nat is going somewhere
on our spring break.

Well, you guys are welcome to join me.

Plenty of room in the back.

For real? Um, yeah!

Going on the road in a limo? Hell yeah.

It'll be like being
in a cool music video,

- with my family.
- Mom, can we?

- Well...
- Please?

Please-please-please-please?

- No.
- Yeah, sure.

Um, can I talk to you in
the kitchen for a second?

Lin, I don't think we should
go on a road trip with Nat.

Why not?

I mean, I know the
ceiling fell down last night,

but technically, our restaurant is open.

Plus, a-after our last trip,

we swore we'd never go
anywhere with the kids

in the car that was
farther away than an hour,

ever, ever, ever again.

- We did?
- Yes. It was very, very bad.

Pull over! I'm gonna barf!

You can barf in this bottle
once I'm done peeing in it, T.

No, just hang on, Tina.

Gene, stop peeing in that bottle.

Can't stop me now, Dad!

- I can't wait!
- Roll down the window! Louise!

- Aah! Don't barf on me!
- No barfing!

Oh, it's blowing back in the car!

Oh, God! Gonna barf!

- Oh, no!
- Well, if everyone else is barfing...

Oh, my God!

It was just four piles of
barf and a big bottle of pee.

- Calm down.
- Yeah. We can hear you, by the way.

Linda, can I talk to
you in the basement?

Look, why don't you and
the kids go with Nat,

and I'll stay here and work.

No. It's got to be all of us, Bob.

Lin, we work together
all day, every day.

It's not the same. We
need to make memories.

- Uh...
- It's just one day.

Teddy's working here anyways,

and everyone already
thinks we're closed.

And we get to see animals!

Exotic animals. You love those.

Remember those videos of
the monkey and the baby lion?

Yeah. Those were good.

I never would have guessed
they would be friends.

Plus, this trip will be different.

You don't have to drive,
you'll be in a limo for free,

and we can drink!

- So we can go?
- Kids, can we have some privacy?

No way. You had us.

That's not how having kids works.

- So you and I can drink?
- Yeah!

- Fine.
- Yay!

Family trip!

Okay, here are the rules for today.

Tina, absolutely no reading in the car.

You always do it, and you always barf.

I won't even open my eyes, see?

Are you guys still there? Guys? Guys?!

Oh, phew.

- And, Louise?
- Yes, Father?

We aren't stopping at any weird

roadside attractions, got
it? They cost too much.

They are never worth it,
and it drives me crazy

when you ask to stop
over and over again.

Not a problem.

I didn't already Google our route,

and there is not a place
called Madness Castle

on the way, and I don't
want to stop there.

Mmm... and Gene?

No peeing in bottles while we drive.

You got it, stud!

Okay. I got her all warmed up.

M'ladies.

Hmm. This is pretty nice, I guess.

And I brought some
wine. It's rosé for day.

Ooh. A Styrofoam cooler. Classy.

Perhaps there's some
children's wines in here.

Which is what I call juice
and/or chocolate milk.

I forgot to say, don't open
the cooler, 'cause there's a...

No! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake!

Snake! Snake! Ugh!

Was he saying "cake"? Oh, snake.

Oh, snake!

- Snake... !
- Uh, Gene, wait!

Nat, did you know there's a snake

- in the back of your limo?
- Yeah. That's Steve.

- I'm taking him back to Theresa.
- Snake! Snake, snake...

We had a pair of snakes
together, Adam and Steve,

and we each retained one in the breakup.

But Steve isn't thriving
without Adam around.

Won't eat. Can't sleep.

So I'm gonna get them back together.

Aw. You're a good mom, Nat.

Snake... !

Ah... Poor Gene. He
really is scared of snakes.

I guess we better call off the trip.

Oh, good. I-I mean, not
that Gene is terrified,

- but... never mind.
- Up, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Let me talk to the boy.

I'm sure he's calmed down by now.

Snake... !

- Snake! Snake! Snake!
- Gene?

Go away, snake! How
did you learn my name?

Gene, it's me. Your human sister.

So, listen, kiddo.
That was a rough start,

but, um, if we put the snake
back in the surprise snake box

disguised as a cooler,

would you be able to pull it together,

and here's why I'm asking,
and it's a really good reason:

I want to go to Madness
Castle and so do you.

I do not.

Well, that's just because you don't know

how amazing it is yet. But I do.

It's a castle built by a
man named Jonathan Madness,

and anyone who enters goes
totally crazy and dies.

Do you love it or do you love it?

I'm not going anywhere with a snake.

I'm not taking a snake
car to a Madness Castle!

What if I paid you three dollars?

- No!
- What if I paid you three hundred dollars

- over the course of 25 years?
- No!

What if I give you

all the candy I have hidden in my room?

How much are we talking about?

Several Easters, couple Halloweens.

Honestly, some of it I stole from you.

- Do you have my Peeps?!
- Yep.

Ah, I believed you when you told me

some Peeps turn into real
chickens and fly away!

- Yeah, they flew into my room.
- Fine, I'll go.

But if I die of fright,
put the candy in my coffin!

Sorry I can't fit Steve's cooler
up front, but don't worry, Gene.

There's no way Steve can get through

the divider glass,
so you'll be totally safe.

Okay.

And, uh, for people
riding next to the snake,

he, he can't get out
of the cooler, right?

I mean, I've never seen it.

He's a lazy snake, and
FYI, he doesn't have hands.

Plus, once I get on the
highway, he always falls asleep.

You sure you're okay, honey?

- Well...
- He's fine.

- I'm fine.
- Yep.

Okay, then. Little hiccup,
but let's try this again.

All aboard.

Yay! Road trip! We're doing it.

Isn't this fun, Bob?

I mean, there's a snake in the cooler,

and Gene hid in a box
for a little while,

but I-I guess it's fine now.

And by the time we get back,

Teddy'll be all done with the ceiling.

Ooh. Hungry.

I sure wish Bob would've
left me a burger to eat.

Eh... that's okay. I
can eat someplace else.

Burger does sound good,
though. I earned it.

Should I? Should I make my own burger?

Bob wouldn't mind.

He'd probably want me to.

He'd probably say, "I love
that you're doing this!"

He'd want me to put the
apron on, though, right?

That's for sure.

Ah... 100% Bob.

That's the smell. That's the stuff!

Wait. Was I... ?

Wai-Wait. Was I just sleeping?

Yes, you were.

Wow, I've never gotten a
nap on a road trip before.

It was amazing.

We're-we're probably
almost there by now.

How-how long was I out?

Oh, gosh. At least two, three minutes.

Oh. Well, still, it was nice.

I'm gonna try to sleep
for four minutes this time.

- _
- Game time.

- Oh. What's this?
- What's what?

I just found this
notebook under the seat.

"Property of Guy Handsometeen,

"14 years old, contains
secret teen boy information.

Do not read."

Weird. But I guess
we better not read it.

Yeah, I-I guess not.

I'll just put it back where I found it.

Maybe you could, uh, give it to me,

and then I could make
sure no one reads it.

- You'd do that?
- Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

- Wow. Thanks, Tina.
- No problem.

Wait. I shouldn't be reading this.

It's private property.

Plus, I promised Dad I
wouldn't read anything.

Well, maybe just a page.

Or half a page. Or just, like,
one sentence. Yep, that's it.

I'll just read one sentence
and then put it down.

"Dear Diary, I am going to describe

my teenage boy butt... " Oh, my God.

One burger of the day, coming up.

Say, Lin, can you cut me
up a couple of tomatoes?

Oh, you are so funny, Linda.

I'm glad we're married.

Oh, you're attracted
to my best friend Teddy?

Hey, I get it. I mean,
you two have something.

I've got eyes. I'm not an idiot.

It's like when you walk outside,
and you feel the air before a storm.

It's just churning, right?
That's what it's like with you two.

"My butt is so round

that it barely fits in my jeans."

Whoa. Oh, no. I don't feel so good.

Oh, God.

Wait, Tina, what's
that? Are you reading?

- No.
- Oh, my God. Are you

holding barf back right now?

- Nuh-uh.
- Yes.

- Pull over!
- What?

She's gonna barf! Get off at the exit!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

- Nat, pull off, pull off!
- And kick your heels.

- And shake your shoulders, ladies...
- Nat, pull over! Barf! Barf!

It's okay, Tina. Happens
all the time in limos.

It'd be weird if someone didn't barf.

Tina, you promised me you wouldn't read.

- That's the family motto.
- I didn't mean to.

- Louise found a journal, and...
- Louise?

Whoa-whoa-whoa. This isn't my fault.

Oh, hey, look where we are.

The Madness Castle? Huh. Hey.

Why don't we all just calm
down, buy some tickets,

go in, go insane, and clean
the barf off our shoes and Tina?

Oh, my God. Did you do
this on purpose, Louise?

No...

Gene?

Help...

Oh, my baby! Nat! Nat!

- Open the door!
- Uh-oh. Gene?

This door is locked. Open the door.

Gene? Can you hear us?

Aah...

Okay, Gene,
just open the door and step out.

Y-You're gonna be all right.

Aah!

Britney Spears, give me strength!

Aah! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!

Gene, take my hands!
Oh, God, the barf smell.

Oh, sorry, is this difficult for you?

It's okay, bud, just...

Oh, no. I'm in it. I'm in it.

Oh, God, no, he's by my neck!

Aah! Pull, Dad, pull!

Steve, Steve! Come on, Steve.

Stay away from his neck, bud.

- Just a little more.
- Oh, God, it's writhing.

It's writhing!

Steve. Come to Mama, Stevie.

Aah! I landed in the barf, too!

Come on, Gene. Let me
get you out of here.

Oh, my Genie! Are you okay?

Can you breathe? Breathe, my baby.

- Breathe, breathe.
- I'm fine.

I'll just never go in
a car, look at a car,

or leave the house or
get out of bed again.

Oh, my poor baby.
My little vomit-covered baby.

Uh, speaking of babies,
anyone see Steve?

Oh, yeah, uh, he went that way.

- I thought you knew.
- What?

Oh, my God. I got to go catch him.

Sorry he scared you, Gene. Steve!

Poor Steve.

All scared and slimy.

Bob, you might want to get some clothes

for you and Gene and
Tina up at the gift shop

because you guys smell disgusting.

- Yup.
- And get me something fun!

Like a keychain. Ooh, or a big pencil!

I love those.

Okay, three pairs of shorts,
three T-shirts, that'll be...

$145.

Those outfits are gonna
work for a lot of occasions.

Yeah, yeah. No, they're great.

Okay, I circled the
perimeter but no dice.

I'm hoping he crawled into the castle.

So, I don't know, maybe raise your hand

if you want to come
help me look for Steve?

Might go faster if I
have an extra set of eyes.

I volunteer to go into
the Madness Castle.

And, Dad,
I think you said you'd buy me a ticket?

So, if you could just let us
in there to look for the snake,

- we would really appreciate it.
- Okay, $30.

Um, well, well, we don't
want to see the castle.

- No offense. I...
- He does not speak for me.

Ouch. This is the
best Madness Castle in the area.

Well, there's a snake in there
and I'm sure that you want us

- to go get it out, so...
- Sure, sure, pal.

You know how many
times I've heard that one?

You've had people come here,

trying to get in saying
they're trying to find a snake?

- Five times.
- Five times?

- Yeah.
- Bob? I got this one.

- Nah, it's cash only.
- Oh. No.

Never carry cash. Don't trust it.

I-I got it.

Welcome to the Madness Castle!

- All who enter go insane...
- Yes!

No. No, no, no, no. We're fine.

Thank you. We'll just go in.

Goodbye, sanity.

Here you go, my best friend, Teddy.

The burger of the day.

The "Tedder-Cheddar Burger."

I named it after you.

We have fun, don't we?

We have a lot of fun, pal.

Eh... you're the best.

I'm the best? You're the best.

Hey, and thanks for not being mad

that me and Linda are getting married.

Can I ask you something?

Would you be my best man?

I'll do it. I'd love to do it.

I'd love to stand up there

and give the woman that I
was married to away to you.

All right, Bobby! You got it!

Teddy, this might sound crazy but...

can I live with you guys?

Of course! We could adopt you!

You can be my son!

I'll marry your wife
and you'll be my son!

What a day!

I love you, Dad.

Okay, if I were a
snake, where would I be?

In the "Hallway to Nowhere"
or the "Stairs of Insanity"?

Think like Steve, think like Steve.

I'll take the Stairs of Insanity.

"All the steps are a different height.

It's impossible to climb
without going insane."

Oh, my God, I'm going insane.

Oh, wait, I'm at the top. They just end.

Coming back down. Uh, no snake.

All right, let's try
the Hallway to Nowhere.

Is it me, or is this just a hallway?

Uh-huh. A $30 hallway.

Ooh, maybe there's
something cool in here.

Hey!

- Welp.
- Yup.

_

Is this it? A delightful
covered porch with

a mannequin in a straightjacket?

- Hmm. Ah!
- Steve!

- My son!
- Gah, they should pay us.

This place needs a snake.

Eh, end of a long day.

Time to go home.

Oh, God! I forgot to fix the ceiling.

But I should also make some fries.

Welp, good news,

most of the barf smell is hidden
by the air freshener spray I use

after incidents like this.

It's called "Cinnamon Seduction"

and it is very, very, very strong.

Bad news is the horn is kinda
stuck in a weird position,

so it's gonna honk every now and then.

Okay, let-let-let's just go.

Okay, big B. Let me get Steve
here off of you... Oh. Shoot.

He fell asleep.

Probably shouldn't wake him up now;

he gets cranky when you wake him up.

If he starts to wake up, uh...

move as quickly as
possible or stay still.

- One of the two.
- It's fine. Let-Let's keep moving.

Whoa! That is quite a mix of scents.

Yeah, it's not great.

- You okay, hon?
- Hmm...

You look nice in a snake, Dad.

Mm...

We're only about 10 minutes away...

from being about an
hour and 15 minutes away.

Oh, God.

Who wants to play car
bingo? Oh! There's one. Bingo!

Ooh, we're exiting! The
sanctuary must be close.

I can't wait to pet all those animals.

I'm gonna hug a porcupine.

Mm...

Well, here we are.

Rescued exotic animal paradise.

- Breathe it in, babes.
- It's... uh, nice.

If you like a house with a bunch
of dusty cages in front of it.

Which I... personally do.

A lot of snakes, huh?

- Seems like just snakes.
- Yeah.

It's, like, 99% snakes.

She rescues everything,
but she keeps the snakes.

- Obviously.
- So, this is just how it is now, huh?

Everywhere I go, snakes.

I see them when I close my eyes.

Um, there appears to be no
monkeys or baby lions. Perfect.

Also, Steve is moving
and kind of strangling me.

Can we maybe get him off me now?

- Sure, Bob-arino.
- Nat! Steve!

A bunch of people I
don't know. You made it.

Yeah, here we are!

Wow, you look great.

Thanks. A turtle bit me
and I lost a lot of weight.

Might be salmonella.
It's a wait and see.

- Nice.
- Well, Adam is gonna be so excited.

He's missed Steve a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, Steve, too.

Steve...

has been...

a mess.

Okay. Well, thanks for
driving all this way, Nat.

It was nothing.

So, I'll... yeah.

Adios.

Okay...

Bye.

- Let's load up and head out.
- Wait, that's it?

We're just gonna turn
around and go right back now?

There isn't even a, like, cute frog

or something to see before we go?

- Bob.
- No.

I mean, it took us five hours
to make a 90-minute drive,

Gene got attacked by a snake,

there was throw-up everywhere,

we-we spent so much money
at the Madness Castle,

which was just a guy's
house filled with junk,

and now we're here

and there aren't any monkeys
being friends with lions!

Okay, no one said for sure
there'd be monkeys, honey.

Well, it's what I was picturing!

Okay, calm down.

- Calm down.
- No! No! No, I won't!

These trips are terrible
and no one ever has fun!

- I had fun.
- See?!

- Wait. What?
- I mean, not fun.

But it was weird. And scary.

And sort of exciting.

I had fun. In a way.

And once I figure out
where Guy Handsometeen lives

and return his journal to
him, we'll probably be friends.

And I can see his
jeans. Like friends do.

And I got to go to Madness Castle.

Yeah, but it was terrible.

Yeah, it was so terrible.

And... we'll never forget this trip!

And that's the whole point!
A road trip!

Someone's always gonna barf,
or pee, or lose a snake,

or poop in their undies
and not tell anyone,

but we got to give our
kids some stuff to remember.

Huh. Well, I guess I'm
sorry I freaked out.

And yes, I have been a little grumpy.

I just hate these road trips so much.

But I'm glad everyone else enjoyed it

and will always remember it.

Aw... Family memories!
Bring it in for a hug!

Mm...

- Family.
- Uh...

Damn it. Theresa Shaw, marry me.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

Marry me. We can make
our own family memories.

We belong together.

A proposal, I'm gonna cry.

Oh, Nat. I'm flattered, but... no.

We were terrible together.

We argued about almost
everything except reptiles.

We couldn't even agree on
what kind of pizza to order.

I like cheese, you like hot
dog with extra dry crust,

which, honestly, is not
even a kind of pizza.

- It is.
- Not. It is not.

- It is.
- No.

It is, it's little
pieces of hot dog on pizza

and then they blow-dry the crust.

See? We're fighting right now.

You're right. Totally right.

Totally fine.

Saying no to me was the correct answer.

I was just testing you.

And you... passed.

So, I'm gonna go celebrate the
fact that you passed the test

that I gave you for fun.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot,
I want you to have this.

Since you're the one giving up Steve.

It's a bag of snakes.

Of course it is.

A bunch of baby garter snakes.

Thanks.

This means a lot.

Okay, they're not getting married,

but they're still hugging.
Now give me a tissue.

- Magic.
- What a day!

Nat, I need you to let go.

Okay. And...

I just want to memorize your face.

And I've done it.

And I need you to drown those snakes.

Nat, you okay up there?

Yup. Yup.

I'm doing great.

Just a little hard to
see while I'm crying.

Oop, just lost a contact.

I'm gonna make a professional decision

and let someone else drive.

Looks like everyone's asleep.

Ah, at least Nat got the horn fixed.

Mostly.

Yeah, I kinda like it now.

Look at you, trying to
have a positive attitude.

- I almost believe you.
- No, I-I mean it.

It's kind of cool driving a limo.

And all the other cars
are getting out of the way

- because of the horn.
- That's great!

And I promise I won't fall asleep.

That's nice. Thanks, Lin.

L-Lin? Lin?

Lin?

Lin? Oh.

Right. Right.

Oh! H-Hey, guys.

Huh. You're kinda cute.

What would be your name? If you had one?

"I'm... Ricky."

Ricky, huh? And who's this?

"That's Lucy."

Oh, you went with a theme.

"And that's the Fonz." Okay, that's...

that's a different show, but...

"And that's Stacks. He plays poker."

Okay.

- Ah!
- Holy crap!

Teddy! Why are you in our bed?!

I fell asleep! I-I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't pretending to be you, I swear.

And the bath made me very sleepy.

I mean, I didn't even take a bath!

Don't look in the bathroom!

Can I sleep on your couch, please?

- No!
- Sure, I'll get you a pillow.

Got anything hypoallergenic?

♪ Pelvis, hips ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, and flex again ♪

♪ How do your arms feel? ♪

♪ Are you here to dance? ♪

♪ Let's prance, feel it ♪

♪ Four, six, seven, nine ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, if you're
feeling warmed up ♪

♪ Go for it! ♪

♪ Make it big, come on ♪

♪ Give me two steps up ♪

♪ Tap right, and left ♪

♪ Can you do it? ♪

♪ Jazz square, Mon frères ♪

♪ Dance it out now, make it double ♪

♪ And that's double trouble ♪

♪ And now, reverse it all ♪

♪ Zip, rewind ♪

♪ Sorry, I might get
a little funky here ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.