Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 10, Episode 15 - Flat-Top O' the Morning to Ya - full transcript
Bob and the kids help a down-on-his-luck restaurant owner while Linda and Teddy celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
♪ La, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Irish, Irish, nyah. ♪
Top o' the morning, my little shamrocks.
Happy St. Paddy's Day.
- (kisses)
- (kids groan)
(gasps) None of you are wearing green.
I pinch you, I pinch
you, I pinch you, and you.
Ah, you pinched my boob.
Yeah, bring it down a notch, lady.
- When did you get up?
- 4:30.
I wanted to make corned beef hash.
Hash? Isn't that illegal?
It was, then it wasn't. What a ride.
An Irish coffee for you, Bob.
W-Wait-wait, there's whiskey in this?
What? No.
Is that what an Irish coffee
is? I was just calling it that
'cause I accidentally dropped
some corned beef in it.
(gulps) Yeah, yeah.
You-you dropped a lot.
Thank you, though,
for making all of this,
but we're just gonna keep
St. Patrick's Day up here, right?
No dyeing stuff green in the restaurant?
What? No. Just the beer.
- (groans)
- You'll love it.
Well, I'm glad you're
excited about today
because I'm really not
looking forward to going
to the depressing restaurant
liquidation auction.
Why is it depressing?
'Cause you're going
to a failed restaurant
to pick over its remains
for some cheap plates?
It's like taking the
boots off a dead guy.
And then serving food in those boots.
I'd buy plates at a
restaurant supply place,
but I heard you can
get 'em at an auction
for, like, a third of the price.
All right, Dad, let me
see your auction face.
My auction face? Um, okay, this?
- That's it, I'm coming.
- You want to come?
You need me to come. You
can't go in there alone.
With that face, they'll eat you up.
- And that hair. Sorry.
- I want to go.
I want to hear the
auctioneer talk really fast
and say a bunch of numbers.
100, 100. Do I hear 100? 100...
Sold, to the man with the hot son.
I could go for some auction action,
watch Dad get his "aucsh" on.
Plus, a failed restaurant liquidation?
Huh, it'll be like time-traveling
into our own future.
God, I hope it's not our future.
Don't worry, Dad.
Future Gene is gonna be
a famous reggaeton star,
and you can live in his guesthouse.
You'll have to earn
hot tub access, though.
- Wink, wink.
- Mm-hmm.
(overlapping chatter)
I have the light, people.
It's my turn to go.
- I know you can hear me.
- Maybe they're just shy.
I bet they're going to the
St. Patrick's Day street fair
- on Front Street.
- Or it's a really inelegant
- flash mob?
- (car horn honks)
Happy St. Paddy's.
- Erin go bragh.
- More like "Erin go butt."
- Yup.
- I think this is my new favorite holiday.
- (grunting)
- Beachum Barbecue.
Huh, this might've
been a barbecue place?
You cracked it, Tina.
And we're here to pick
the meat off their bones.
- It's so fitting.
- (groans)
Next item up for bid is lot three:
salt and pepper shakers, 30 sets.
Do I hear five dollars?
Okay, here they are...
No cracks, no chips,
- but this definitely feels creepy.
- AUCTIONEER: Sold,
for six dollars. What a steal.
I really thought
they'd go for more. Wow.
Okay, I can live with creepy.
(gulps) Ah...
Nothing like green beer
to get you in the spirit
of ol' St. Pat, huh? You
gonna join me, or, uh,
am I celebrating alone
like a sad person?
Sure, what the heck?
I'll have a green beer.
It's only work.
Gosh, it's a shame we only
get to dye beer once a year,
and that I'm not supposed to
dye anything else in here green.
Huh, what else can you dye green?
Lots of things, like, maybe
the mustard and the ketchup?
- That'd be cute.
- I'd eat green mustard.
Doctor's always telling me I got
to get more greens in my diet.
But Bob doesn't want
to dye anything else.
Damn Bob and his
mysterious hatred of green.
I am so over that guy.
Maybe he wouldn't mind
if we just did one bottle.
Mmm. Oh, I can really
taste the food coloring.
Mmm, yeah, I had to use a lot. Ha,
- your mouth.
- (laughs) Your mouth.
- Oh, God, look at us.
- Ah...
We look so Irish.
Wow. Think about all the
meals they cooked in here,
all the hopes and dreams
of whoever owned this place,
poof, gone.
Actually, I don't want to
think about it. Oh, God.
- Dad, do you need a hug?
- No. Maybe.
Come here, you son
of a bitch. (grunting)
Why do you think it
went out of business?
Do you think they just
kept forgetting to switch
the sign to "open"?
I don't know. Maybe
people just stopped coming.
Maybe the chef lost his touch.
Maybe it was just a
lot of little mistakes,
but maybe they added up
and one day it all just
came crashing down. (laughs)
These slotted spoons are very slotted.
No slot shaming.
Um, did anyone else
think that guy's mustache
- looked a little weird?
- Who, Dad? You get used to it.
No, that guy.
Look, color's odd, shape's odd.
- It's peeling off a tiny bit.
- Oh, yeah.
It's a lip wig. I like it.
- All right, let's go in.
- Wait, kids.
Uh, no, no, no, don't bother him.
Hey. So what's up?
Slotted spoons, that's your thing?
I love it. What else you gonna bid on?
Ah, you know, whatever
I can get a good deal on.
(laughs) Yeah. Perhaps a good
deal on a new fake mustache?
Uh, sorry about her.
Uh, y-your mustache
- doesn't look, um, that fake.
- Is it obvious?
Cutting off the price
- tag would have helped.
- Right, right.
So what's with the super
convincing disguise?
This is... this is my restaurant.
Oh, no. Uh, this is your place?
It was. Now it's the bank's.
- So you're a Beachum?
- Yeah. I'm Jules Beachum.
I basically grew up in this place.
Oh, uh, I'm Bob. So what happened?
Wh-Why'd you close?
Sorry, is that rude?
I just, I really need to
know because of, um, fear.
After my father retired, people
thought it changed around here.
They started coming less and less,
and I got behind on bills.
And one day, it was, it was just over.
Maybe we should start
paying our bills, Dad.
This is so sad. I-I'm so sorry.
So what kind of restaurant you got?
I assume you have one, judging
by your clogs and your fear.
Yup. Uh, it's a burger place.
So what are you doing here?
- I'm here to get one thing.
- It on?
No. My family's flattop grill.
Oh, yeah. Makes sense.
All the history, all the
blood, sweat and pork butt
my family poured out onto this grill.
- Anyone else getting hungry?
- The flavors that took years to develop.
Those flavors belong to my family.
Uh, yeah, if there
was a fire in my place,
the flattop would be
the first thing I grab.
Oh, and also my kids. And-and my wife.
- Aw.
- And the leather jacket I made you?
Okay, so if you're here
to bid on the flattop,
I'm still not getting the disguise.
I'm not gonna bid on the flattop.
- Okay...
- You promise you won't act weird?
Um, that's a weird thing to say.
- I'm gonna steal it.
- What?
- Nice.
- No, no, no, don't do that.
You promised you wouldn't act weird.
Um, no, I-I didn't.
I'm just waiting for
them to put it on a dolly
and wheel it into the dining
room when it's up for bid.
A-And then what?
I run down the street with it to
my car, if I haven't been towed.
- I had to park in a no-no spot.
- This is a terrible plan.
It's been a tough couple of weeks, man.
I just don't want to feel like I
let my family's dream slip away,
and I got nothing to show for it.
Look, I completely get that,
but not the other stuff,
- the stealing stuff.
- Well, now you know my plan,
so you're a part of it, like it or not.
No, I'm not... I'm-I'm
definitely not a part of it.
Yes, we are!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Let's do this!
And then let's hit the museum
and take a nudie painting!
Next item, lot 22. Bus tubs.
I-I'm not gonna commit
grand theft flattop.
- I just came for plates.
- Face it, Dad,
the restaurant gods didn't
bring us here to get plates.
Yeah, we're supposed to help Jules
steal back his family jewel.
Shouldn't sad restaurant
people help each other out?
There are better options
other than stealing it.
Y-You-you could
talk to the bank?
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, they're
super nice about stuff, right?
That's their thing.
Or you could wait for someone to buy it
and then ask if you can come visit it?
Yeah, nothing's really
beating "steal it."
No, we can't steal the
flattop. That's stealing.
Look, Jules, even if
you did do your plan,
you also have no plan.
The plan is that we work together
to get the biggest thing out
of here without getting noticed.
Too bad Jules doesn't
want his family whisk
'cause that'd be just,
like, plop, down the pants.
And if anyone asked, "Is
that a whisk in your pants?"
we'd say, "That's my wiener, sir,"
and we'd tip our cap and off we'd go.
Bob, just help me steal my flattop,
and if this ever happens to
you, I'll help you steal yours.
No. This isn't a suicide pact.
Is it even stealing if
it's your family's flattop?
Well, technically, it's
stealing from the bank,
which makes this like bank robbing,
which makes this great.
Oh, my God, it is
just like bank robbing.
- Yeah.
- And anyone notice a missing whisk?
- Gene, put it back.
- Oh, boo.
Green fries? Are you kidding
me? What a day to be alive.
All right, now that we're
officially doing this...
Even though Bob didn't want us to...
Should we, you know... ?
- What?
- Dye the burgers.
(laughs) What color? Oh, right. Green.
Yeah, once the lunch rush
hits, if Bob comes back
and sees these people ordering
green burgers left and right,
he'll say we should dye the
meat green every St. Paddy's Day,
probably Christmas, too.
And Arbor Day, Labor Day, Green Day Day.
Ah, that ought to do it.
And mix, mix, mix, mix, mix, mix, mix.
Uh, too much green, got
to add a little beef.
(grunts) Ah, too
beefy, needs more green.
(grunts) Just a little
more meat to balance it out.
Now it's fun. And now all
our ground beef is green.
What was the old
color? I don't remember.
Next item, lot 30, more bus tubs.
Do I hear ten dollars?
Pretty please? That's
an auctioning term.
Okay, stealing the flattop...
Let's go over the pros and cons.
Con... You could get arrested.
So, con... you become a con.
- Mm-hmm. And pro... ?
- There is no pro.
Maybe we should help him,
Dad. This could be you.
He even has a fake mustache like you.
My mustache is real, Tina.
You keep telling yourself that, pal.
You know what, Bob? You're
right. It's a dumb plan.
I just thought I could
save at least one little bit
of my family's dream, but
that's not gonna happen.
Let's take a little break, shall we?
Give you all a minute to
find your money. (chuckles)
And give me a chance to call my mom.
She doesn't know I do this.
She thought I said "actuary,"
and I never corrected her.
- Oh, my God, now's my chance.
- No, no, wait, no.
- Bob, Bob, grab the other end.
- Oh, God.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
Quick. (grunts) Let's
get this onto the dolly.
I can't believe I'm
doing this. (grunting)
I mean, you're barely
doing it, no offense.
Okay, let's just roll it
right out the back door.
(groans) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I'll navigate.
- This is great, Jules.
This is working. Oh,
man, this feels good.
(laughs) Shut up, shut up.
What the heck is going on?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, it's padlocked.
Wait. Jules Beachum?
Yes, it's me, Jules Beachum.
Yeah, no, I know. That's
why I said your name.
Step away from lot 92.
This grill belongs to my family.
No, it belongs to the bank,
and soon to one of these people.
Uh, hi. I-I know it looks like
I'm helping Jules steal this.
I'm not. I-I was falling,
and my hands landed on it.
Come on, Bob, front door, front door.
- Go, go, go!
- (grunts)
But he's in front of the door.
Remember when I said you had a bad plan?
This is what bad plans look like.
- Stop. Just stop right there.
- I'm so sorry.
Kitchen, kitchen. Back in the kitchen.
Retreat, retreat!
All right. That'll buy us a minute.
AUCTIONEER: Give up,
Jules, you're trapped.
He's right. There's no other door.
Can we just not do this?
- Quick, in here.
- What the... ?
- (groans)
- TINA: Is it gonna fit?
- Just barely.
- Oh. Hang on.
(grunting)
- Why'd you open a window?
- 'Cause they'll think
- we escaped through there.
- Right,
but the grill can't
fit through that window.
You're overthinking this, Dad.
Open window equals "Maybe
they went that way."
- (grunts) Where'd they go?
- Look.
They must have gone out that window.
The grill can't fit through that.
Maybe they folded it?
They folded a steel grill?
I don't know. I'm not a doctor.
Should we call the police?
Eh, that'll be a whole thing.
Let's go back to the auction
and deal with this later.
My idea going once, going
twice. Sold. Let's do my idea.
I can't believe you
talked us into this, Dad.
It's very irresponsible of you.
Shame on you. Bad boy.
I don't like any of
you. Except maybe Tina.
- Hey. - Ouch.
- Yes.
This is all great, day's
going great. Just great.
What is this place, a spice dungeon?
It was my family's hiding spot
for the ingredients that we use
in our top secret barbecue sauce.
- Powdered orange drink mix?
- Well, don't shout it.
- (whispers): Sorry.
- Mm, mm.
Oh, yeah, this would
go great on finger meat.
So you make your secret
sauce from all this?
Yep. 49 ingredients
in very precise amounts
that my dad wrote down in his
very hard-to-read handwriting.
You read this. Does that
say "teaspoons" or "teacups"?
I-I think it's "teaspoons."
Wait a minute. Maybe
it does say "teacups."
So, you don't know the right amounts?
Well, honestly, I put this
in, I don't put this in.
I can't taste the difference.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah, it's not my thing.
It was... I guess it was never my thing.
What? Wh-What do you mean?
This place was my parents' dream.
It wasn't, like, my dream.
Then why are we stealing your flattop?
I just thought I needed, uh...
to keep some piece of this place.
Yeah, the heaviest piece.
So, what is your dream?
Yeah, it's-it's silly.
It's, uh, beekeeping.
- My dream is to keep bees.
- Keep bees?
Yeah. It's been a hobby. Fell into it.
It was a rocky start. I had
two bees in a jar and they died.
And you don't mash 'em up to make honey.
- Nobody tells you that.
- Nobody should have to.
But then I got a book
and I got a hive and I got
one of those cool suits, which I love.
I love wearing it, and I
think I look good in it.
And, yeah, my dream is to go pro.
But it's just really, really
hard to milk bees to get honey.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- I don't do that anymore.
- AUCTIONEER: Lot 76,
a set of plates in excellent condition.
- Huh?
- Do I hear $40?
Oh, come on. $40?
- I was willing to pay $50.
- No?
- Okay, well, how about $30?
- (whimpers)
$30 over here. $30 going
once, $30 going twice.
Here.
Sold,
for the surprisingly low price of $30. Wow.
(groans)
What do we even need plates for?
Yeah, laps are the plates of the body.
What secret ingredient is this?
Oh, those are my dad's ashes.
-Aah!
-I'm kidding. I think it's pepper.
My dad's dog Pepper.
LINDA: I don't get it.
How come these green
burgers aren't selling?
Beats me. What's not
fun about green meat?
- (entry bell jingles)
- Happy St. Paddy's Day.
Uh, happy St. Paddy's Day to you.
So, you're in luck. Our
burgers today are green-colored
in honor of the late St. Patrick.
He only ate green foods.
So what can I get you?
Oh, uh, no green burger for me.
- Regular burger would be great.
- Yeah, same for me.
Are you crazy? It's the
one day a year you can eat
a green burger and not get super sick.
That is true. A-And what if I told you
that we don't have regular
burgers, just green ones?
Uh, we would not eat here?
What if you closed your eyes
and pretended it was a brown burger?
- We'll, um, come back tomorrow?
- Maybe?
-You need to try 'em. How you gonna know?
-I don't need to try it.
Are you gonna go through
life never trying anything?
-You're pushing. It's, it's a pull.
-Don't go.
Don't leave. Don't go.
- I'm pulling.
- Have a beer.
What's going on with everyone today?
Where's the St. Paddy's Day spirit?
I'm gonna have to toss out
15 pounds of green meat.
Too bad the St.
Patrick's Day street fair
isn't right here on Ocean Avenue.
I bet those people would
gobble up green meat.
Huh. What if we go to them?
How would we... How we gonna do that?
I'll make slider burgers
and pass them out there.
- Right.
- Sure, we won't make money
and that's bad and Bob won't like that,
but it'll be great advertising.
Eh, you know what we do? We tell
'em it's ground-up leprechaun meat.
Exactly. And tomorrow we'll be packed.
Drunk people always
remember things the next day.
They sure do.
(groans) Oh, what do we do?
Should we call Mom, tell
her we live here now?
We could last for days in here.
Spices are food, right, Dad?
- (piano playing)
- Dad?
♪ In a way I have my
own spice dungeon ♪
- You mean your and Mom's bedroom?
- Tina.
- Sorry.
- ♪ A super secret place down deep inside ♪
- In your butt?
- Gene, shush.
♪ But instead of cumin,
cinnamon and cardamom ♪
- Those are spices.
- ♪ Fear and terror ♪
♪ Are the spices that I hide ♪
♪ One question keeps
me up at night ♪
♪ Kids, I guess I
ought to tell you ♪
♪ "Is our restaurant a
recipe for failure?" ♪
♪ Are we a burger sinking ship? ♪
♪ Am I a burger-flipping sailor? ♪
Okay, you changed metaphors there.
♪ Is our restaurant a
recipe for failure? ♪
Wait, Dad, um, seriously?
You think we don't know
about all that stuff?
- Your failure fears?
- We know about
the secret failure dungeon in your butt.
Wait, you do?
I mean, yeah, you drop
the F-bomb sometimes.
- A lot. All the time.
- Oh.
But it's a pretty cool message
for, you know, young minds
- heading out into the world.
- Right, right.
Uh, forget I said anything. I mean...
♪ I think our restaurant is doing ♪
(high-pitched): ♪ Great! ♪
- Nice save.
- Okay, hear me out.
- Okay.
- We give up.
- Give up?
- And then we leave this room.
- Leave this room?
- Look, Jules, I-I don't know
how we're gonna get this
flattop to stay in your family.
At this point I think we're just trying
to keep you from being arrested.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah,
right, right, right, yeah.
But if we can talk the auctioneer
out of calling the police,
I think we could find a
good home for your grill.
Yeah, maybe it'll live
on a farm somewhere.
Like our Sea-Monkeys.
No, I don't want it
going to some reseller,
ending up somewhere
it's not gonna be loved.
I promise we'll try and get
it in the hands of someone
who's gonna use it,
someone's whose dream
- is having a restaurant.
- Maybe you're right.
I guess I should let this
thing live on someplace else.
Okay, I think I'm ready to let it go.
We're taking Pepper out of here, right?
Good point. Wait, is that Pepper?
Or is that Pepper? Which one's Pepper?
This one's either paprika or dog.
Well, well, well, look who's back.
TINA: We didn't actually fold the
grill and climb out the window.
Oh. None of us thought you did.
Uh, hi, yeah. So, um...
We're really sorry about
the whole flattop thing.
Hopefully you didn't call the police.
And please don't, since
we're, um, a-apologizing.
(sighs) I won't call
the police if you promise
you're done with this little freak-out.
Yeah. We're done.
- So, can I sell it?
- Wait.
Can I just say something first?
- This flattop is special.
- Hey, I was gonna say that.
This flattop is special.
Let's start the bidding at a thousand.
Wait, wait, wait. I-I made a promise
that I'd try to get this to
someone who will appreciate it.
Not just a reseller.
- Hey.
- Sorry. You're great.
- At reselling, I think.
- Thank you.
(sighs) Look, this flattop is special.
I have one just like it,
and we work hard to
make good food on it.
So, if there's anyone here who
would really love this flattop
and, a-and-and scrape
it a little more...
This one looks like someone
fell behind on that...
Anyway, please bid on this.
- $20,000.
- Gene.
Does anyone here own a restaurant
or-or trying to start a restaurant?
That's not really how we do this.
You're kind of stepping on my thing.
Do I hear a thousand?
- I'll go a thousand.
- What are you doing, Jules?
You promised me, Bob. No resellers.
Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
Go, flattop, go! You're free now, boy.
Ow, my joints. Running
downhill, I hate it so much.
Grab it. Jules, get in front.
Grab the sides.
Oh, thank God, nobody got hurt.
Aw, man, it hit my car.
That's your car? It's
really small, Jules.
- This was never gonna fit in there.
- But on the plus side,
you'll always have that
dent to remember it by.
And you didn't get a ticket.
- Oh, yeah, you did.
- You got two.
LINDA: Bob's Burgers. Free samples.
They're tiny, they're green.
You're drunk. I'm tipsy.
Free green meat.
BOTH: Free green meat.
- Let's go.
- Free green meat.
- You know you're hungry.
- Free green meat.
You're gonna throw up.
- Free green meat.
- She's throwing up.
She's puking all over.
That is disgusting.
Look at that damage. I
won't be able to move this.
- I'm out.
- Okay, let's try this again.
Do I hear, uh, $300?
- I'll bid $300.
- Do I hear $350?
No? Why would I?
Sold, $300.
Please, tell me you have a restaurant?
I'm opening one up. A cheesesteak place.
That's great. See, Jules, your
grill's gonna make cheesesteaks.
Yeah, I'm calling it
Yummy Yummy Cheesy Beefs.
- Okay.
- And my hook is gonna be,
instead of serving 'em on hoagie buns,
I'm gonna use waffle cones.
Uh, maybe don't tell us
any more of your fun ideas,
but, uh, good luck with that.
Point is, it's-it's living on.
So, how are you feeling?
- Okay, I think.
- You know, Jules, your parents
would want you to follow your dream.
I want that for my kids.
You have kids? I thought
those were just your friends.
- Uh, they're not my friends.
- (laughs): Yeah, no.
- I mean, we're work friends.
- GENE AND LOUISE: Eh...
So, if your heart's telling
you to be a beekeeper...
- I just wish I wasn't allergic.
- (sighs): Oh, my God.
But that makes it exciting.
Mm, call us when you
get that honey, honey.
I guess we'll just tell your
mom the plates were cursed.
There's no way of explaining
how many bad decisions
we made back there.
You might not have
gotten a deal on plates,
but you did help a guy
follow his bee dream.
And also helped another
stranger with his dream...
Yummy Yummy Cheesy Beefs.
And we're going there when it opens
'cause that place sounds perfect.
Dad, you're so good
at touching strangers.
I feel alive or something.
I stared our restaurant's
death in the face
and I'm stronger for it.
Maybe I'll try not to constantly
think we're gonna fail.
Or if I do, I won't say it out loud.
Save it for my wedding speech.
Why is the restaurant closed?
Where's your mother?
And why does it look like
a Shrek exploded in here?
Oh, my God. Your mother went rogue.
No, she went brogue.
Irish? Brogue?
- Get it?
- Nice one, T.
- (groans)
- LINDA: Come inside, everyone!
I'll fire up the grill. Who
wants a St. Paddy's Day melt?
- Lin?
- Hi, Bobby!
We got some customers. Look.
- I see that.
- They're drunk and hungry.
- And not too rowdy.
- Great.
But we don't have to
make green burgers, do we?
- Green burgers for everyone!
- Yep. Yep.
TEDDY: Hey, we're starting a conga line!
Ah. That's so St. Paddy's Day.
TEDDY (chanting): Irish, Irish, Irish.
CROWD: Irish, Irish,
Irish. Irish, Irish, Irish.
TEDDY: ♪ There was
a lass named Linda ♪
♪ She loved the Irish scene ♪
♪ And then one fateful Paddy's Day ♪
♪ She dyed the burgers green ♪
♪ They said that she was
crazy, a nutty lunatic ♪
♪ 'Cause the thought of
eating burgers green ♪
♪ Made everybody sick ♪
♪ Nobody had the courage
to make food look so gross ♪
♪ Her thought process was
something of a mystery ♪
♪ But she went ahead and did
it against all common sense ♪
♪ And now she will go down
in green food history ♪
♪ Irish, Irish, Irish ♪
♪ Linda Burger Celtic Queen ♪
- ♪ Oh! Oh! Oh! ♪
- MAN: More like "Erin go butt."
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
♪ La, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Irish, Irish, nyah. ♪
Top o' the morning, my little shamrocks.
Happy St. Paddy's Day.
- (kisses)
- (kids groan)
(gasps) None of you are wearing green.
I pinch you, I pinch
you, I pinch you, and you.
Ah, you pinched my boob.
Yeah, bring it down a notch, lady.
- When did you get up?
- 4:30.
I wanted to make corned beef hash.
Hash? Isn't that illegal?
It was, then it wasn't. What a ride.
An Irish coffee for you, Bob.
W-Wait-wait, there's whiskey in this?
What? No.
Is that what an Irish coffee
is? I was just calling it that
'cause I accidentally dropped
some corned beef in it.
(gulps) Yeah, yeah.
You-you dropped a lot.
Thank you, though,
for making all of this,
but we're just gonna keep
St. Patrick's Day up here, right?
No dyeing stuff green in the restaurant?
What? No. Just the beer.
- (groans)
- You'll love it.
Well, I'm glad you're
excited about today
because I'm really not
looking forward to going
to the depressing restaurant
liquidation auction.
Why is it depressing?
'Cause you're going
to a failed restaurant
to pick over its remains
for some cheap plates?
It's like taking the
boots off a dead guy.
And then serving food in those boots.
I'd buy plates at a
restaurant supply place,
but I heard you can
get 'em at an auction
for, like, a third of the price.
All right, Dad, let me
see your auction face.
My auction face? Um, okay, this?
- That's it, I'm coming.
- You want to come?
You need me to come. You
can't go in there alone.
With that face, they'll eat you up.
- And that hair. Sorry.
- I want to go.
I want to hear the
auctioneer talk really fast
and say a bunch of numbers.
100, 100. Do I hear 100? 100...
Sold, to the man with the hot son.
I could go for some auction action,
watch Dad get his "aucsh" on.
Plus, a failed restaurant liquidation?
Huh, it'll be like time-traveling
into our own future.
God, I hope it's not our future.
Don't worry, Dad.
Future Gene is gonna be
a famous reggaeton star,
and you can live in his guesthouse.
You'll have to earn
hot tub access, though.
- Wink, wink.
- Mm-hmm.
(overlapping chatter)
I have the light, people.
It's my turn to go.
- I know you can hear me.
- Maybe they're just shy.
I bet they're going to the
St. Patrick's Day street fair
- on Front Street.
- Or it's a really inelegant
- flash mob?
- (car horn honks)
Happy St. Paddy's.
- Erin go bragh.
- More like "Erin go butt."
- Yup.
- I think this is my new favorite holiday.
- (grunting)
- Beachum Barbecue.
Huh, this might've
been a barbecue place?
You cracked it, Tina.
And we're here to pick
the meat off their bones.
- It's so fitting.
- (groans)
Next item up for bid is lot three:
salt and pepper shakers, 30 sets.
Do I hear five dollars?
Okay, here they are...
No cracks, no chips,
- but this definitely feels creepy.
- AUCTIONEER: Sold,
for six dollars. What a steal.
I really thought
they'd go for more. Wow.
Okay, I can live with creepy.
(gulps) Ah...
Nothing like green beer
to get you in the spirit
of ol' St. Pat, huh? You
gonna join me, or, uh,
am I celebrating alone
like a sad person?
Sure, what the heck?
I'll have a green beer.
It's only work.
Gosh, it's a shame we only
get to dye beer once a year,
and that I'm not supposed to
dye anything else in here green.
Huh, what else can you dye green?
Lots of things, like, maybe
the mustard and the ketchup?
- That'd be cute.
- I'd eat green mustard.
Doctor's always telling me I got
to get more greens in my diet.
But Bob doesn't want
to dye anything else.
Damn Bob and his
mysterious hatred of green.
I am so over that guy.
Maybe he wouldn't mind
if we just did one bottle.
Mmm. Oh, I can really
taste the food coloring.
Mmm, yeah, I had to use a lot. Ha,
- your mouth.
- (laughs) Your mouth.
- Oh, God, look at us.
- Ah...
We look so Irish.
Wow. Think about all the
meals they cooked in here,
all the hopes and dreams
of whoever owned this place,
poof, gone.
Actually, I don't want to
think about it. Oh, God.
- Dad, do you need a hug?
- No. Maybe.
Come here, you son
of a bitch. (grunting)
Why do you think it
went out of business?
Do you think they just
kept forgetting to switch
the sign to "open"?
I don't know. Maybe
people just stopped coming.
Maybe the chef lost his touch.
Maybe it was just a
lot of little mistakes,
but maybe they added up
and one day it all just
came crashing down. (laughs)
These slotted spoons are very slotted.
No slot shaming.
Um, did anyone else
think that guy's mustache
- looked a little weird?
- Who, Dad? You get used to it.
No, that guy.
Look, color's odd, shape's odd.
- It's peeling off a tiny bit.
- Oh, yeah.
It's a lip wig. I like it.
- All right, let's go in.
- Wait, kids.
Uh, no, no, no, don't bother him.
Hey. So what's up?
Slotted spoons, that's your thing?
I love it. What else you gonna bid on?
Ah, you know, whatever
I can get a good deal on.
(laughs) Yeah. Perhaps a good
deal on a new fake mustache?
Uh, sorry about her.
Uh, y-your mustache
- doesn't look, um, that fake.
- Is it obvious?
Cutting off the price
- tag would have helped.
- Right, right.
So what's with the super
convincing disguise?
This is... this is my restaurant.
Oh, no. Uh, this is your place?
It was. Now it's the bank's.
- So you're a Beachum?
- Yeah. I'm Jules Beachum.
I basically grew up in this place.
Oh, uh, I'm Bob. So what happened?
Wh-Why'd you close?
Sorry, is that rude?
I just, I really need to
know because of, um, fear.
After my father retired, people
thought it changed around here.
They started coming less and less,
and I got behind on bills.
And one day, it was, it was just over.
Maybe we should start
paying our bills, Dad.
This is so sad. I-I'm so sorry.
So what kind of restaurant you got?
I assume you have one, judging
by your clogs and your fear.
Yup. Uh, it's a burger place.
So what are you doing here?
- I'm here to get one thing.
- It on?
No. My family's flattop grill.
Oh, yeah. Makes sense.
All the history, all the
blood, sweat and pork butt
my family poured out onto this grill.
- Anyone else getting hungry?
- The flavors that took years to develop.
Those flavors belong to my family.
Uh, yeah, if there
was a fire in my place,
the flattop would be
the first thing I grab.
Oh, and also my kids. And-and my wife.
- Aw.
- And the leather jacket I made you?
Okay, so if you're here
to bid on the flattop,
I'm still not getting the disguise.
I'm not gonna bid on the flattop.
- Okay...
- You promise you won't act weird?
Um, that's a weird thing to say.
- I'm gonna steal it.
- What?
- Nice.
- No, no, no, don't do that.
You promised you wouldn't act weird.
Um, no, I-I didn't.
I'm just waiting for
them to put it on a dolly
and wheel it into the dining
room when it's up for bid.
A-And then what?
I run down the street with it to
my car, if I haven't been towed.
- I had to park in a no-no spot.
- This is a terrible plan.
It's been a tough couple of weeks, man.
I just don't want to feel like I
let my family's dream slip away,
and I got nothing to show for it.
Look, I completely get that,
but not the other stuff,
- the stealing stuff.
- Well, now you know my plan,
so you're a part of it, like it or not.
No, I'm not... I'm-I'm
definitely not a part of it.
Yes, we are!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Let's do this!
And then let's hit the museum
and take a nudie painting!
Next item, lot 22. Bus tubs.
I-I'm not gonna commit
grand theft flattop.
- I just came for plates.
- Face it, Dad,
the restaurant gods didn't
bring us here to get plates.
Yeah, we're supposed to help Jules
steal back his family jewel.
Shouldn't sad restaurant
people help each other out?
There are better options
other than stealing it.
Y-You-you could
talk to the bank?
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, they're
super nice about stuff, right?
That's their thing.
Or you could wait for someone to buy it
and then ask if you can come visit it?
Yeah, nothing's really
beating "steal it."
No, we can't steal the
flattop. That's stealing.
Look, Jules, even if
you did do your plan,
you also have no plan.
The plan is that we work together
to get the biggest thing out
of here without getting noticed.
Too bad Jules doesn't
want his family whisk
'cause that'd be just,
like, plop, down the pants.
And if anyone asked, "Is
that a whisk in your pants?"
we'd say, "That's my wiener, sir,"
and we'd tip our cap and off we'd go.
Bob, just help me steal my flattop,
and if this ever happens to
you, I'll help you steal yours.
No. This isn't a suicide pact.
Is it even stealing if
it's your family's flattop?
Well, technically, it's
stealing from the bank,
which makes this like bank robbing,
which makes this great.
Oh, my God, it is
just like bank robbing.
- Yeah.
- And anyone notice a missing whisk?
- Gene, put it back.
- Oh, boo.
Green fries? Are you kidding
me? What a day to be alive.
All right, now that we're
officially doing this...
Even though Bob didn't want us to...
Should we, you know... ?
- What?
- Dye the burgers.
(laughs) What color? Oh, right. Green.
Yeah, once the lunch rush
hits, if Bob comes back
and sees these people ordering
green burgers left and right,
he'll say we should dye the
meat green every St. Paddy's Day,
probably Christmas, too.
And Arbor Day, Labor Day, Green Day Day.
Ah, that ought to do it.
And mix, mix, mix, mix, mix, mix, mix.
Uh, too much green, got
to add a little beef.
(grunts) Ah, too
beefy, needs more green.
(grunts) Just a little
more meat to balance it out.
Now it's fun. And now all
our ground beef is green.
What was the old
color? I don't remember.
Next item, lot 30, more bus tubs.
Do I hear ten dollars?
Pretty please? That's
an auctioning term.
Okay, stealing the flattop...
Let's go over the pros and cons.
Con... You could get arrested.
So, con... you become a con.
- Mm-hmm. And pro... ?
- There is no pro.
Maybe we should help him,
Dad. This could be you.
He even has a fake mustache like you.
My mustache is real, Tina.
You keep telling yourself that, pal.
You know what, Bob? You're
right. It's a dumb plan.
I just thought I could
save at least one little bit
of my family's dream, but
that's not gonna happen.
Let's take a little break, shall we?
Give you all a minute to
find your money. (chuckles)
And give me a chance to call my mom.
She doesn't know I do this.
She thought I said "actuary,"
and I never corrected her.
- Oh, my God, now's my chance.
- No, no, wait, no.
- Bob, Bob, grab the other end.
- Oh, God.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
Quick. (grunts) Let's
get this onto the dolly.
I can't believe I'm
doing this. (grunting)
I mean, you're barely
doing it, no offense.
Okay, let's just roll it
right out the back door.
(groans) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I'll navigate.
- This is great, Jules.
This is working. Oh,
man, this feels good.
(laughs) Shut up, shut up.
What the heck is going on?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, it's padlocked.
Wait. Jules Beachum?
Yes, it's me, Jules Beachum.
Yeah, no, I know. That's
why I said your name.
Step away from lot 92.
This grill belongs to my family.
No, it belongs to the bank,
and soon to one of these people.
Uh, hi. I-I know it looks like
I'm helping Jules steal this.
I'm not. I-I was falling,
and my hands landed on it.
Come on, Bob, front door, front door.
- Go, go, go!
- (grunts)
But he's in front of the door.
Remember when I said you had a bad plan?
This is what bad plans look like.
- Stop. Just stop right there.
- I'm so sorry.
Kitchen, kitchen. Back in the kitchen.
Retreat, retreat!
All right. That'll buy us a minute.
AUCTIONEER: Give up,
Jules, you're trapped.
He's right. There's no other door.
Can we just not do this?
- Quick, in here.
- What the... ?
- (groans)
- TINA: Is it gonna fit?
- Just barely.
- Oh. Hang on.
(grunting)
- Why'd you open a window?
- 'Cause they'll think
- we escaped through there.
- Right,
but the grill can't
fit through that window.
You're overthinking this, Dad.
Open window equals "Maybe
they went that way."
- (grunts) Where'd they go?
- Look.
They must have gone out that window.
The grill can't fit through that.
Maybe they folded it?
They folded a steel grill?
I don't know. I'm not a doctor.
Should we call the police?
Eh, that'll be a whole thing.
Let's go back to the auction
and deal with this later.
My idea going once, going
twice. Sold. Let's do my idea.
I can't believe you
talked us into this, Dad.
It's very irresponsible of you.
Shame on you. Bad boy.
I don't like any of
you. Except maybe Tina.
- Hey. - Ouch.
- Yes.
This is all great, day's
going great. Just great.
What is this place, a spice dungeon?
It was my family's hiding spot
for the ingredients that we use
in our top secret barbecue sauce.
- Powdered orange drink mix?
- Well, don't shout it.
- (whispers): Sorry.
- Mm, mm.
Oh, yeah, this would
go great on finger meat.
So you make your secret
sauce from all this?
Yep. 49 ingredients
in very precise amounts
that my dad wrote down in his
very hard-to-read handwriting.
You read this. Does that
say "teaspoons" or "teacups"?
I-I think it's "teaspoons."
Wait a minute. Maybe
it does say "teacups."
So, you don't know the right amounts?
Well, honestly, I put this
in, I don't put this in.
I can't taste the difference.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah, it's not my thing.
It was... I guess it was never my thing.
What? Wh-What do you mean?
This place was my parents' dream.
It wasn't, like, my dream.
Then why are we stealing your flattop?
I just thought I needed, uh...
to keep some piece of this place.
Yeah, the heaviest piece.
So, what is your dream?
Yeah, it's-it's silly.
It's, uh, beekeeping.
- My dream is to keep bees.
- Keep bees?
Yeah. It's been a hobby. Fell into it.
It was a rocky start. I had
two bees in a jar and they died.
And you don't mash 'em up to make honey.
- Nobody tells you that.
- Nobody should have to.
But then I got a book
and I got a hive and I got
one of those cool suits, which I love.
I love wearing it, and I
think I look good in it.
And, yeah, my dream is to go pro.
But it's just really, really
hard to milk bees to get honey.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- I don't do that anymore.
- AUCTIONEER: Lot 76,
a set of plates in excellent condition.
- Huh?
- Do I hear $40?
Oh, come on. $40?
- I was willing to pay $50.
- No?
- Okay, well, how about $30?
- (whimpers)
$30 over here. $30 going
once, $30 going twice.
Here.
Sold,
for the surprisingly low price of $30. Wow.
(groans)
What do we even need plates for?
Yeah, laps are the plates of the body.
What secret ingredient is this?
Oh, those are my dad's ashes.
-Aah!
-I'm kidding. I think it's pepper.
My dad's dog Pepper.
LINDA: I don't get it.
How come these green
burgers aren't selling?
Beats me. What's not
fun about green meat?
- (entry bell jingles)
- Happy St. Paddy's Day.
Uh, happy St. Paddy's Day to you.
So, you're in luck. Our
burgers today are green-colored
in honor of the late St. Patrick.
He only ate green foods.
So what can I get you?
Oh, uh, no green burger for me.
- Regular burger would be great.
- Yeah, same for me.
Are you crazy? It's the
one day a year you can eat
a green burger and not get super sick.
That is true. A-And what if I told you
that we don't have regular
burgers, just green ones?
Uh, we would not eat here?
What if you closed your eyes
and pretended it was a brown burger?
- We'll, um, come back tomorrow?
- Maybe?
-You need to try 'em. How you gonna know?
-I don't need to try it.
Are you gonna go through
life never trying anything?
-You're pushing. It's, it's a pull.
-Don't go.
Don't leave. Don't go.
- I'm pulling.
- Have a beer.
What's going on with everyone today?
Where's the St. Paddy's Day spirit?
I'm gonna have to toss out
15 pounds of green meat.
Too bad the St.
Patrick's Day street fair
isn't right here on Ocean Avenue.
I bet those people would
gobble up green meat.
Huh. What if we go to them?
How would we... How we gonna do that?
I'll make slider burgers
and pass them out there.
- Right.
- Sure, we won't make money
and that's bad and Bob won't like that,
but it'll be great advertising.
Eh, you know what we do? We tell
'em it's ground-up leprechaun meat.
Exactly. And tomorrow we'll be packed.
Drunk people always
remember things the next day.
They sure do.
(groans) Oh, what do we do?
Should we call Mom, tell
her we live here now?
We could last for days in here.
Spices are food, right, Dad?
- (piano playing)
- Dad?
♪ In a way I have my
own spice dungeon ♪
- You mean your and Mom's bedroom?
- Tina.
- Sorry.
- ♪ A super secret place down deep inside ♪
- In your butt?
- Gene, shush.
♪ But instead of cumin,
cinnamon and cardamom ♪
- Those are spices.
- ♪ Fear and terror ♪
♪ Are the spices that I hide ♪
♪ One question keeps
me up at night ♪
♪ Kids, I guess I
ought to tell you ♪
♪ "Is our restaurant a
recipe for failure?" ♪
♪ Are we a burger sinking ship? ♪
♪ Am I a burger-flipping sailor? ♪
Okay, you changed metaphors there.
♪ Is our restaurant a
recipe for failure? ♪
Wait, Dad, um, seriously?
You think we don't know
about all that stuff?
- Your failure fears?
- We know about
the secret failure dungeon in your butt.
Wait, you do?
I mean, yeah, you drop
the F-bomb sometimes.
- A lot. All the time.
- Oh.
But it's a pretty cool message
for, you know, young minds
- heading out into the world.
- Right, right.
Uh, forget I said anything. I mean...
♪ I think our restaurant is doing ♪
(high-pitched): ♪ Great! ♪
- Nice save.
- Okay, hear me out.
- Okay.
- We give up.
- Give up?
- And then we leave this room.
- Leave this room?
- Look, Jules, I-I don't know
how we're gonna get this
flattop to stay in your family.
At this point I think we're just trying
to keep you from being arrested.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah,
right, right, right, yeah.
But if we can talk the auctioneer
out of calling the police,
I think we could find a
good home for your grill.
Yeah, maybe it'll live
on a farm somewhere.
Like our Sea-Monkeys.
No, I don't want it
going to some reseller,
ending up somewhere
it's not gonna be loved.
I promise we'll try and get
it in the hands of someone
who's gonna use it,
someone's whose dream
- is having a restaurant.
- Maybe you're right.
I guess I should let this
thing live on someplace else.
Okay, I think I'm ready to let it go.
We're taking Pepper out of here, right?
Good point. Wait, is that Pepper?
Or is that Pepper? Which one's Pepper?
This one's either paprika or dog.
Well, well, well, look who's back.
TINA: We didn't actually fold the
grill and climb out the window.
Oh. None of us thought you did.
Uh, hi, yeah. So, um...
We're really sorry about
the whole flattop thing.
Hopefully you didn't call the police.
And please don't, since
we're, um, a-apologizing.
(sighs) I won't call
the police if you promise
you're done with this little freak-out.
Yeah. We're done.
- So, can I sell it?
- Wait.
Can I just say something first?
- This flattop is special.
- Hey, I was gonna say that.
This flattop is special.
Let's start the bidding at a thousand.
Wait, wait, wait. I-I made a promise
that I'd try to get this to
someone who will appreciate it.
Not just a reseller.
- Hey.
- Sorry. You're great.
- At reselling, I think.
- Thank you.
(sighs) Look, this flattop is special.
I have one just like it,
and we work hard to
make good food on it.
So, if there's anyone here who
would really love this flattop
and, a-and-and scrape
it a little more...
This one looks like someone
fell behind on that...
Anyway, please bid on this.
- $20,000.
- Gene.
Does anyone here own a restaurant
or-or trying to start a restaurant?
That's not really how we do this.
You're kind of stepping on my thing.
Do I hear a thousand?
- I'll go a thousand.
- What are you doing, Jules?
You promised me, Bob. No resellers.
Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
Go, flattop, go! You're free now, boy.
Ow, my joints. Running
downhill, I hate it so much.
Grab it. Jules, get in front.
Grab the sides.
Oh, thank God, nobody got hurt.
Aw, man, it hit my car.
That's your car? It's
really small, Jules.
- This was never gonna fit in there.
- But on the plus side,
you'll always have that
dent to remember it by.
And you didn't get a ticket.
- Oh, yeah, you did.
- You got two.
LINDA: Bob's Burgers. Free samples.
They're tiny, they're green.
You're drunk. I'm tipsy.
Free green meat.
BOTH: Free green meat.
- Let's go.
- Free green meat.
- You know you're hungry.
- Free green meat.
You're gonna throw up.
- Free green meat.
- She's throwing up.
She's puking all over.
That is disgusting.
Look at that damage. I
won't be able to move this.
- I'm out.
- Okay, let's try this again.
Do I hear, uh, $300?
- I'll bid $300.
- Do I hear $350?
No? Why would I?
Sold, $300.
Please, tell me you have a restaurant?
I'm opening one up. A cheesesteak place.
That's great. See, Jules, your
grill's gonna make cheesesteaks.
Yeah, I'm calling it
Yummy Yummy Cheesy Beefs.
- Okay.
- And my hook is gonna be,
instead of serving 'em on hoagie buns,
I'm gonna use waffle cones.
Uh, maybe don't tell us
any more of your fun ideas,
but, uh, good luck with that.
Point is, it's-it's living on.
So, how are you feeling?
- Okay, I think.
- You know, Jules, your parents
would want you to follow your dream.
I want that for my kids.
You have kids? I thought
those were just your friends.
- Uh, they're not my friends.
- (laughs): Yeah, no.
- I mean, we're work friends.
- GENE AND LOUISE: Eh...
So, if your heart's telling
you to be a beekeeper...
- I just wish I wasn't allergic.
- (sighs): Oh, my God.
But that makes it exciting.
Mm, call us when you
get that honey, honey.
I guess we'll just tell your
mom the plates were cursed.
There's no way of explaining
how many bad decisions
we made back there.
You might not have
gotten a deal on plates,
but you did help a guy
follow his bee dream.
And also helped another
stranger with his dream...
Yummy Yummy Cheesy Beefs.
And we're going there when it opens
'cause that place sounds perfect.
Dad, you're so good
at touching strangers.
I feel alive or something.
I stared our restaurant's
death in the face
and I'm stronger for it.
Maybe I'll try not to constantly
think we're gonna fail.
Or if I do, I won't say it out loud.
Save it for my wedding speech.
Why is the restaurant closed?
Where's your mother?
And why does it look like
a Shrek exploded in here?
Oh, my God. Your mother went rogue.
No, she went brogue.
Irish? Brogue?
- Get it?
- Nice one, T.
- (groans)
- LINDA: Come inside, everyone!
I'll fire up the grill. Who
wants a St. Paddy's Day melt?
- Lin?
- Hi, Bobby!
We got some customers. Look.
- I see that.
- They're drunk and hungry.
- And not too rowdy.
- Great.
But we don't have to
make green burgers, do we?
- Green burgers for everyone!
- Yep. Yep.
TEDDY: Hey, we're starting a conga line!
Ah. That's so St. Paddy's Day.
TEDDY (chanting): Irish, Irish, Irish.
CROWD: Irish, Irish,
Irish. Irish, Irish, Irish.
TEDDY: ♪ There was
a lass named Linda ♪
♪ She loved the Irish scene ♪
♪ And then one fateful Paddy's Day ♪
♪ She dyed the burgers green ♪
♪ They said that she was
crazy, a nutty lunatic ♪
♪ 'Cause the thought of
eating burgers green ♪
♪ Made everybody sick ♪
♪ Nobody had the courage
to make food look so gross ♪
♪ Her thought process was
something of a mystery ♪
♪ But she went ahead and did
it against all common sense ♪
♪ And now she will go down
in green food history ♪
♪ Irish, Irish, Irish ♪
♪ Linda Burger Celtic Queen ♪
- ♪ Oh! Oh! Oh! ♪
- MAN: More like "Erin go butt."
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.