Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Sheesh! Cab, Bob? - full transcript

Tina is desperate to get her first kiss at her 13th birthday party. But after Louise breaks the deep fryer, Bob takes a second job as a late-night cab driver to pay for Tina's party. Things keep getting worse for Bob when the parents of Tina's crush refuse to let their son attend the party, and Bob has to do everything in his power to save his daughter's big day.

Bob!

Hey! Whoo!

Bob! Hey,
I think you missed a spot!

Oh, never mind.
That's just your moustache!

Ka-boom!

Ha-ha. Ha-ha,
Jimmy! Good one.

Uh, at least I could grow one.
You can't!

Gene? Louise?
How about a "ka-boom"?

You can do better than that, dad.
Yeah, step it up.

Okay, you do better.
Give me something.

How about, I don't know...



Nice shoes, Jimmy. Do they
make them for men, too? Ha!

That's, uh... that's good.
Hey, Ji...

Oh. They're gone.

God, I hate Jimmy Pesto

with his crappy food and
all his... customers.

Oh, forget about your silly
rivalry for one minute.

Bob, listen, come here.

Tina's birthday's coming up,

and I think we should
do something special

since she's turning 13.

This is the year
she becomes a woman.

Yeah, I don't want to hear this.

Bob, she deserves
a special party this year.

If what it says in
her diary is true,



then I'd say she
needs it. A lot.

It's true.

Wait. You read her diary?

Yeah.
What I can stomach.

I just skim it to make sure
she's not on drugs.

What... what does it say?

It says, "I'm not on drugs."

It's pretty rough.

But she thinks things will
really turn around this year.

Yeah, she dubbed it
the "year of Tina."

Why is everyone
reading her diary?

It's well-written.
She's better on the page than in person.

And what if the Nazis get us,

and it's all we have
of our family?

Okay, fine. We'll make this
birthday extra-special.

All right.
Tina, sweetie, come here. Yeah?

Listen, baby,
we'd like you to have

and extra-special
13th birthday party.

So take your time,
and think about

what would make
the perfect party.

I'd like it to be
a boy-girl party.

Mm-hmm. Mm.
With mingling.

I want to close the restaurant
and invite my whole class over.

No.
And I want there to be a DJ,

and dancing, and a
smoke machine, mmm-mm.

And about two hours
into the party,

I want there to be a moment

where I see Jimmy Jr.
Across the room hmm.

And we're pulled
toward each other.

Mmm-mm.
We meet under the disco ball,

mm. And we kiss until our
bodies and souls become one.

Oh, God.

And it's my first kiss.
Mm.

And it's perfect,
and I remember it forever.

Freak.
Scary.

Wow. You've really put
some thought into it.

That, uh, sounds expensive.

And I could do without the
kissing Pesto's kid part.

Oh. It's okay, I guess I wasn't
meant to have a good life.

Bob, a word?
Now?

Not now.
Now.

All right.

You want to kiss
Jimmy Pesto Jr.?

Yes. A lot.
Many times.

I can help you. I'll be
your kissing coordinator.

It's my birthday present to you.

Yeah, I think
I know how to kiss.

Ow! Do ya?
You think you know how to kiss?

You know how to lock lips, huh?
Do ya? Ow!

You think you know what it feels
like to kiss a man, Tina?!

If you don't know what
you're doing out there,

you could get yourself killed.
Or worse! Ow, ow!

STDS, Tina,
have you heard of them?

Have you heard of herpes?
Have you? Yes. Yes.

Do you know what herpes feels
like on your mouth? Yes.

What? What is it? What?

Like, um, cuts on your mouth.

That sounds right.

Sla... I'm gonna slap gene.
Ow!

Closing down the restaurant,
getting a smoke machine,

and a DJ? That's
gonna add up.

We have nothing extra
this month, Lin.

Well, we got
to do what we got to do.

Look at her.

She's so awkward.

She's a good girl.

Okay. I'll talk
to Fischoeder

about getting
an extension on the rent.

It's foggy.

Yes, it is.

Are you there?
I am.

Why are we here in the fog?

I-I wanted to meet you,

and then you told me
to meet you here.

Oh, that's right.

It was a good idea.
I love the fog.

Listen, Mr. Fischoeder,
I know we talked

about never doing this again,

but if you can just give us
two extra weeks

this month on the rent...

I'm going to have to stop
you right there, Bob.

Were-were you going to follow
that up with anything?

No.
Oh.

Oh, I love the way
the fog feels under my cape.

Uh, right. I'll get going.

Bob, listen. What do
you think of this?

What if I don't give you
an extension on your rent,

but I do give you
the opportunity

to earn some extra money
in one of my side businesses?

That sounds...
Sketchy.

Oh, it is, Bob.
Oh.

But you get to wear this hat.

So, for the next week,

I'll be driving a taxicab

to pay for Tina's party.

And I'll be wearing this hat.

Cool! Cool!
Cool hat or job?

Job. Hat.
Thank you, dad.

This party is gonna sizzle.

Stop it.

Wait, wait.
Bob, Bobby. Yes?

When are you going to
have time to drive a cab?

Well, I'll work the full
day at the restaurant, Lin,

then I'll go drive the cab

from 10:00 P.M.
To 6:00 A.M.

Aww, Bob.

All right, all right.

Wait. Why do you have
to wear a hat?

Just let this be fun for me.

Dad, you won't regret this.

When I kiss Jimmy Jr.
Under the disco ball,

it'll be like we're all
kissing Jimmy Jr.

Under the disco ball.
I call first.

Really?
Well, if I'm gonna kiss him,

I don't want to
go after you guys.

I'll go last. I'm
fine with that.

We're not kissing Jimmy Jr.

Yes, we are!

That's ten pieces of gum, Tina.

Chew! Chew!

A kiss is like
a fight with mouths.

And... time.

Spit.

I'm going to destroy this kiss.

Ow!
Not yet.

There's my Johnny two-jobs.

Making money for the
dream birthday party.

Okay.

Off into the night I go.

Bobby, be safe out there.

And make chitchat.
You'll get more tips.

Yeah, and keep
the meter running.

Watch out for pukers.

And stay away from route one.

It's bumper-to-bumper
all the way to the interstate.

Tina, how did you know that?

I like traffic updates.
Why?

I like when they say
"bumper-to-bumper."

"Bumper-to-bumper"?

Yeah. Uh, bye.

Stupid beaded seat cover.

Ooh, okay.

I get it.

Fm. Nice.

Hey, guess what?
You're my first fare.

Oh, no!

No. Oh.

Uh, where to, ladies?

Fourth and ocean, doll.

Thanks for stopping.

Most cabbies are too prudish
to pick us up.

And, uh, that's
because you are...?

Fabulous!

That's true.

Well...

You're clearly fabulous.

Yeah.
Yes.

Hey, eyes on the road, mister.

Yeah, stop staring at us.

This ain't no library.

Don't fall in love,
Mr. cabdriver.

You can't afford us.

Hey, who's picking up who here?

Hey. Don't worry, ladies.
I'm-I'm kidding.

I'm, uh, I'm a married man.

So am I.

Now, Tina, anyone can tie a
cherry stem with their tongue.

Let's see what you can do
with this banana peel.

Get-get it in there.

Bobby! Good morning.
You're home.

Yeah. Guess who
learned a lot

about transvestites last night.

I was only on that web site
for, like, two seconds.

What? No. I was
talking about me.

I picked up a group
of transvestite hookers

who showed me

a side of this town
I never knew existed.

And, gene, you're banned from
the computer for two days.

After what I saw,
I'm-I'm fine with that.

What's a transvestite hooker?

Bob, I'm not sure
this is appropriate

breakfast conversation.

I guess you're right.

Maybe I should just
try and go to sleep.

Gene, honey, I think
he's sleeping.

I have to go to school.

Shh, shh. Just
hold still.

Ew. Is this
drool or sweat?

It's both. Your father
is a very moist sleeper.

Aw, look at my two boys.

Nice.

Oh, a bow.

Let's put that on dad's head.

There's your transvestite.

Get the camera.

I'm having a birthday
party this Saturday.

It's co-Ed.

Because I'm becoming a woman.

Co-Ed?

My hands just got clammy.

Hey, Jimmy Jr.
Hi, Tina.

This is an invitation
to my birthday party.

Hey, I notice you haven't
RSVP'd to my party yet.

Um, I need to ask my
dad for permission.

Can I let you know later?

Sure, okay.

Butt.

♪ Across 110th street ♪

♪ Pimps trying to catch
a woman that's weak ♪

♪ Across 110th street ♪

♪ Pushers won't let
the junkie go free ♪

♪ Across 110th street... ♪

Oh, how you holding up, Bob?

Good. I mean, I'm tired.

And, um, I might be a pimp.

You're gonna need a bigger hat.

Well, you're still
father of the year. Hmm.

Tina's party's gonna be amazing.

I got a disco ball

and streamers.

It's gonna be
like Buckingham Palace.

Yeah, yeah.
Studio 54.

Those are two
very different examples.

Well, you get the idea.
You know. It's a party.

So, is Tina happy?

Uh, she'll be happier
once Jimmy Jr. RSVPs.

She's over at Pesto's right
now to see if he'll come.

I told her to show some skin.

So, how'd it go?

Jimmy Jr. isn't coming
to my birthday party

even though he wants to

because his dad won't let him.

All because our dads
hate each other.

Oh. Sorry, Tina.

I'll never know how soft
Jimmy Jr.'s lips are.

My guess is,
they're pretty soft.

Like, a...

Like a Kitty cat's tummy.

Gene, stop.
Without Jimmy Jr.,

I don't want to have a party.

Hey. Your father's
been working very hard

for this party, young lady.

It's going to happen.

Right, Bob?

I'll re-frost it.
It's still good.

Mmm. Oh, it's
delicious.

Tina, honey, your father's been
working his you-know-what off,

driving a cab to pay for this.

Yeah, and we've rented
the smoke machine,

so this party
is definitely happening.

You've been working
your you-know-what off?

I've been working my ass off!

Night and day training!

Louise, take it easy.

Do you know what she was like
when I started working with her?

She was a sick joke!
Now look at her!

Incoming.

Bob, you got to go talk some
sense into Jimmy Pesto.

This isn't fair.

Fine.

Uh, hey, Bob.

You look like crap.
Nice.

Yeah, that was funny.

Look, Jimmy,
my daughter Tina said

that Jimmy Jr. isn't allowed
to go to her birthday party.

Whatever issues we have
shouldn't matter.

Just please let Jimmy Jr. go.

Okay. Okay.

You know it's going
to cost you, right?

Oh, God.

Yeah, you see, Bob,
I'm a collector

of rare and exotic trophies.

Well, that's pathetic.

And you have something

I want to add to my collection.

Your moustache.

Your bushy, robust,
filthy eyesore of a moustache.

What are you talking about?

I want you to shave
your moustache,

and bring it over in a baggie,
and I'll pin it on the wall.

What? Why?

As a trophy.
Trophies.

Well, I'm not giving
you my moustache.

Well, I'm not giving you
Jimmy Jr. then.

This is crazy, just let him
go to my daughter's party.

If you want a bag
of hair so bad,

why don't you just pick it out
of the food you serve here?

Ka-boom!

How dare you.

No 'stache, no bash.

So, what'd he say, honey?

Are these lips gonna see
any playing time?

Yeah, is Jimmy Jr.
Coming to my party?

No, Tina. I'm sorry, he's not.

What happened? You two
couldn't work it out?

No! We couldn't work
it out, Linda.

He said the only way
he'll let Jimmy Jr. go

is if I shave my moustache
and give it to him.

So Jimmy Jr. can
come to my party?

What? No, Tina.

But if all you have to do

is shave your moustache
then he can come.

Yeah, it sounds to me like you
just said that Jimmy Jr. can come.

That's what I heard.
Done deal.

I'm not shaving my moustache.

It's my moustache!

Hey, no, watch it.

You know, Bobby, you're
just as handsome

without the
moustache. Kind of.

Uh, so that's what we should
show our kids, Lin...

That it's okay
to negotiate with terrorists?

I'd drive a cab every night for
the rest of my life for my kids,

but I'm not letting
Jimmy Pesto humiliate me.

You're the most selfish father
in the world.

Oh, Bob.

Good night!

You can't shave it, Bob.

It's glorious.

Oh, I miss having a moustache.
Pff. Miss it?

Honey, news flash...
I can see it from here.

You can see it from space.

Stop it, cha-cha.

I will thumb your eyeballs
out of your skull. Ay!

Hey, come on.

Glitter, your... I
happen to like the way

your upper lip looks.

Thank you, prince Valiant.

Your shift's almost over,
right, papi?

Yea... uh,
yeah it is.

Why don't you join us
for a beer?

Yeah.
Yeah.

We'll throw back a few beers
and smoke some crack.

Crack?

Just the beer, then?

What is that?

Ooh, your breath!
I know.

Bobby, listen.
Hmm?

All right, I talked to Tina,

I told her how hard
you've been working,

and she agreed to come
to the party tonight.

For a few minutes.
It's something.

What party?

Bob, you're delirious.

Shh. You are.
You're drunk.

I may or may not
have tried crack.

Okay. Last night.
I don't think I did.

But if I did, I liked it.

Okay, Bobby, listen,
go take a nap,

and I'll watch the
restaurant, please.

Take off your clothes.
Bobby!

I got to go to bed.
Bobby?

I don't want to do this.
Stop it.

Get your hands off
me, sick idiot.

Such a freak.

Pull it together.

I'm like an animal!

Keep your voice down.

I'm like king Kong!

Unbelievable.

I need to go to bed.
Good night.

Go get me special pillow.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hey, sleepy bear.

What time is it?

How much longer till the party?

It started a half hour ago.

What? Ow! Oh.

You let me sleep all day?

Why didn't you wake me up?

I tried. That was not the first
pickle I dropped on your face.

The boys hate dancing, and
the girls won't ask the boys.

It's a Mexican stalemate
out there.

Come on, boys. You're
the peanut butter.

Girls, you're the jelly.

Let's make some sandwiches!

Oh, God, why is Mort
doing magic?

It's his gift to Tina.

Uh-oh.
I mean, ta-da!

Tina, you look... great.

Maybe I can cheer her up.

Louise, smoke me.

Tina, dance with mommy.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

It's a party.
All right!

Did someone say party?

They don't go to my school.

I'm sorry, ladies. We're
closed for a private party.

We were invited by Bob.
Bob?

You invited transvestite prostitutes

to our daughter's
birthday party?

No. Maybe. I...

This week has been
kind of a blur.

All of you are coming
to my daughter's party.

We're gonna have so much fun.

And bring whoever you want.

I might have
thrown it out there.

Is this the sweet 13 party?

Dad, you brought all
your nighttime friends,

but you won't
shave your moustache

to get me Jimmy Jr.?

Where do I put my coat?

Oh, hey, marshmallow.

So, marshmallow, how'd
you get your name?

'Cause if you show me a sweet
potato pie, I am on top of it.

I knew it!

Tina, I know you're upset

because Jimmy Jr.'s
not here,

and that there are
more transvestites

than you imagined, but...

Unless you're Jimmy Jr.,
and you're here to kiss my lips,

I don't want to talk to you.

Come on, girl.
It's your party!

You might as well enjoy it.

It's like I always say.

When life gives you lemons...

Tuck em'!

Uh, I think what my girlfriend
here is trying to say is,

when it's time for you
to blossom into a woman,

you can't let anything stop you.

Not a party, not a boy,

and not a town full of doctors

who refuse to remove your penis.

And you have
a very good father, baby.

Never forget that.

It's true.

Not many fathers would
make the sacrifices

your father made to
throw you this party.

Working two jobs.

The things he saw.
The things he smelled.

He deserves an award.

Bob, what'd you do?

You lost your nose cozy.

Oh, Bob.

You made yourself ugly
to save Tina's party.

Yes, Linda, this is why
I didn't want to do it.

But you know, it's worth it

if it means
Tina will be a happy teenager.

Just stop staring.

Stop! Don't do this.

I... just did it.

You don't need to.

I don't want you to.

You know
how moustaches work, right?

Well, don't give
it to Jimmy Pesto.

What about Jimmy Jr.?

Jimmy Jr. isn't gonna
make this party perfect.

You already have.
Really?

I'm sorry I didn't appreciate
everything you've done for me.

I didn't appreciate it
as a girl,

but I do appreciate it
as a woman.

It would have been nice to hear
you say that a minute ago.

Bastard.

Come and join the party, Bob.

That's Jimmy Pesto, cha-cha.

The guy I was telling you about.

Wait. That's
Jimmy Pesto?!

I know that guy.

We all know that guy.

But we know him as baby num num.

Baby num num?

Wait. Pesto is one
of your dates?

He wishes.

We run in the same circles.

He's a regular
over at the desire dungeon.

He's what's known
as a diaper-lover.

You know what that is?

It's nasty.

Jimmy Pesto is a diaper-lover?

Ha, ha, ha.

Hello, Bob.

Well, I see I'm getting
my trophy after all.

Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Not so fast, baby num num.

Baby...

How do you know about that?

Hey, baby.

Oh.
Hi!

No.

We just wanted to see

if "wittle" baby num num...

Shh. Come on. Quiet.

Wanted to change his mind

about letting Jimmy Jr.
Go to Tina's party.

Or maybe he wants the whole
"westaurant" to know about...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on. Hey! We got...

Fresh pie!
How he likes to put on...

Listen, would you...?
Diapers and poop in them.

I don't believe it.

Thanks, dad.

You're the best pimp
I'm ever gonna have.

I've been waiting to hear
those words all my life, Tina.

Happy Birthday.

Bobby, come help me
with the candles.

This one goes out
to the birthday girl.

Pardon me. Birthday woman.

♪ If you were here ♪

I like your shirt.

Are those snaps?

Yes. Snap.

One more.

Snap.

Want to dance?

Yes.

It's go time, Tina.

I want his kids to have Hickeys.

♪ But would you suspect ♪

♪ My emotion wandering, yeah? ♪

I just kissed my first boy.

Me, too.
Oh, boo Hoo.

Mmm!
Mmm.

Hurry up and grow
that thing back.

I know. It's bad.

Now! Concentrate!

Push it out.

I'm trying, Lin.

Oh, let me cover
it with my finger.

That's okay.

I'm gonna glue this to my
chest so I can wear v-necks.

Glue it to your back!

Oh, glue it to your palm.