Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Sacred Cow - full transcript
A filmmaker placed a cow outside the restaurant to make a statement, which angers Bob, but his family is confused over how he treats the cow.
OK, kids, thank you
for joining me here
In the walk-in.
Thank you all.
You said we had to, so...
Shush.
Brr!
I should have brought
my cardigan.
I have an announcement
about the restaurant.
Here in this box is the beef
That will make our...
Gene, drumroll, please.
[IMITATING ROCK 'N' ROLL
DRUM SOLO]
OK, enough.
Gene.
[SLOWS AND STOPS DRUMS SOLO]
Here in this box is the beef
That will make
our 100,000th burger.
Wow.
Can I touch it?
I wanna touch it, too.
I wanna feel it
between my toes. Mmm.
I wanna put a stick
of dynamite in it
And blow it up!
No. What is wrong
with all of you?
No one's touching
this meat but me.
I have an announcement, too.
My bra is chafing me.
That's not a real announcement.
Oh! I have one.
I love...
House music.
There! I said it!
[IMITATING HOUSE BEAT]
And I'm going to get
my gun license,
Finally.
Oh, congratulations.
Can't believe they're
making you wait 3 days.
Stop stealing my thunder!
I found the banner!
It's from our old printer.
You just have to tear off
the holes on the side.
We were supposed to hit
100,000 ages ago.
Heh. We were way off.
Yeah.
Big time.
Ha hah!
Can I just... stop it!
TINA:
There it is.
Get it!
Dive!
Oh, my god.
[BOTH MOAN]
[SIZZLES]
Are you number 100,000?
[HIGH-PITCHED]
no.
[NORMAL]
are you mad at me?
[HIGH-PITCHED]
no.
[NORMAL]
oh, burger, you're cute.
[HIGH-PITCHED]
you're cute, too.
[NORMAL]
heh. I'm not.
Whoa. Linda!
I think the news is here!
I wonder if they heard
about our 100,000th burger!
What?!
Hi. How are you? Uh,
what can I do for you?
Are you bob?
Uh, yeah. I am.
I'm randy Watkins,
The documentary film maker.
OK. Uh...
We're making a film
about the beef industry.
I heard you were about to hit
Your 100,000th burger,
And I wanted to shake your hand.
Oh. Yeah. Um...
Because you, sir,
have blood on your hands.
Eww. Is this ketchup?
It's the blood of
100,000 slaughtered cows.
You ketchuped me.
We're here to force you
to face your victims.
Meet your meat.
What the hell?
Her name is moolissa.
She's due to be
"processed" in 5 days, bob,
Unless you choose
to spare her life.
Wh-why?
That's right.
You will decide her fate.
It's a cow...
Ntdown.
We'll see what your
conscience tells you
When you're looking your
burger right in the eye.
Ow! This is ridiculous.
It's not a crime
to make burgers.
There's no blood on our hands!
What's all the yelling about?
LOUISE: Turns out dad's been putting
murdered cows in our hamburgers.
And you made us a part of it!
You make me sick.
Kids, please.
Oh, look. A cow.
Hello, blondie.
Oops. I got
some meat on you.
Dead cow on live cow.
Gross. Heh heh.
Ohh. God.
Uh, not a good time, Linda.
Heh heh. Ooh.
Randy, stop.
Stop filming. You know,
We're not gonna be in
your cow documentary anymore.
Well, you don't really
have a choice, bob,
'cause I stop at nothing to
expose injustice to animals.
Is that wig glued on?
Yeah. It's... it's the only
way it would stay put.
It's to, uh, humanize her.
It's cute.
Mmm.
I've seen cuter.
Honestly, she's a 4.
Randy, I... I don't know
where to begin.
You know, this isn't
even a female cow.
Beef happens to come from
steers, which are male cows.
Then, uh, how do you
explain that udder?
Whoa. What an udder.
BOB: Get away
from there, Tina.
That's, uh, not an udder.
Oh, it's not?
Don't listen to him, randy.
You go ahead and milk that cow.
Milk it good.
Oh, we did.
You shouldn't have.
Milk doesn't come out of that.
Somethin' came out of it
in that bucket over there.
You mean this bucket of urine?
I know urine, and that's urine.
Gene, put that down.
No!
Well, it certainly
smells like urine,
But that's probably
because she's sick.
No, she's not sick.
Sick of your practices, bob!
OK. You know, we're gonna go
inside and call animal control,
And then you'll have to leave.
[KIDS MOAN]
OK, so you've got
all your permits,
And you're renting
this store front?
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
And, uh, this cow has
had all its shots?
Yes. Sure, sure, sure, sure.
All right. Well, uh,
great. My job is done.
I'll see you guys later.
Bye. Bye. Bye, animal man.
What?
Oh, will you sign
A release to be in the movie?
Uh, yeah.
A movie. Yes.
You're gonna be a star!
Excuse me. Hello.
Thank you.
The person who called you.
Thank you.
You can't have a cow on the sidewalk.
It's dangerous.
Sir, sir, the only thing
dangerous about this cow
Is how adorable it is.
Moo.
Put your hand on this
cow and touch it. What?
I just know that that's
gonna help you.
Touch the cow.
KIDS: Touch the cow.
Touch the cow.
I'm walking away.
Touch it.
Oh, right.
Run away, tough guy!
Yeah! Go take
a meat bath!
Or whatever it is you people do!
"Dial 'M" for mooder,"
interview one, take one.
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ ma ma ma ma ♪
♪ Mi mi mi mi ♪
perfect.
Do you think cows should
be ground up for food?
Personally, I don't really care,
But my father,
he loves grinding them up.
Gives him a rush.
Makes him feel alive.
Daddy's a bad, bad man.
Is this movie
gonna have a score?
You know, some music
to tug at the heartstrings.
I... I haven't
thought about it yet.
Well, check this out.
[BACKBEAT PLAYING]
[PLAYS DOG BARK]
think about it.
Louise,
what does that look like to you?
Cow poop.
Good eye, Tina. Good eye.
No. I mean it's in the
shape of a smiley face,
Like an emoticon.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think the cow
is texting you an emoticon
With its butt.
Very interesting.
Maybe this cow is trying
to communicate with us
The only way it knows
how, with its faeces.
Like gram-gram used to do.
Mom, let's say you had a brilliant
plan, but to execute it,
You needed to write
something using cow poop?
How would you do it?
Oh. Is this
a brainteaser?
Hmm. I would use
a frosting bag.
Do we have one?
Yeah, in the pantry.
Am I right?
Is it a frosting bag?
We'll see, mom.
Ahh.
[CHUCKLES]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
Yeah. Okey-dokey.
Bye, kids.
Have a good day.
Murderer!
[GROANS]
Oh. Hi, randy.
Whoa.
Wink with open smile.
Is this for me?
It has to be.
What should I do?
Should I text back?
Comin' through.
[SQUISH]
Oh, no.
Ehh.
Enh.
Aww.
That's really cute.
It makes me hungry.
Let's eat now.
What's wrong with you people?!
Yeah! What's wrong
with you people?!
Now let's talk about
your music budget.
Is it a million?
We only need one
megaphone out here.
You know what you need?
You need this!
[BACKBEAT PLAYING]
[PLAYS DOG BARK]
Think about it!
Wow. We're mobbed.
Thank you, documentary.
Linda, the documentary is about
me being an evil cow killer.
LOUISE:
Murderer!
Oh, come on, bob.
There's no such thing
as bad publicity.
This could be huge for us.
Like a sex tape.
Like a sex tape.
Uhh.
It's the best free
advertising we ever had.
I know.
It's almost sad.
For who?
I don't know.
The cow.
The cow's goin' out
In a blaze of glory.
Everybody wins, bob.
I guess you're right.
I mean, looks kind
of sweet out there...
Enjoying the day,
meeting people.
Hi, cow.
I'm gonna eat you.
Whoa.
Can it hear us?
[LINDA MUNCHING]
Easy.
Like sands
through the hourglass,
There goes my teeth
right into your back.
That's my wife.
Ah, bobby,
I'm friggin' starvin'.
Who could eat that
beautiful creature?
Shame on you!
Are you going to be
eating a burger today?
We wouldn't dream
of eating an animal.
We run a petting zoo
by the interstate.
It's called mother goose's
discount petting zoo.
Petting horses,
goats, and sheep.
Precious memories on the cheap.
It's basically
an animal sanctuary...
That we make money off of.
Exactly.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh. Hey, randy,
thanks for the business.
[SARCASTIC] oh, hey,
bob, you're welcome.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed soon.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, I'll probably go to bed,
too, 'cause I'm a person.
Bye.
[SIZZLING]
M-moolissa, watch out!
No!
Bring in the accused.
[CROWD CLAMOURING]
Yeah, yeah.
Louise, you're defending me?
[GAVEL BANGS]
This so-called "man"
stands accused
Of murdering nearly 100,000
hamburgers worth of cows.
I call to the stand moolissa.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Objection!
That cow's faking his injuries!
And I can prove it.
Think fast.
Overruled.
Moolissa, is the man
who killed you
In the courtroom today?
BOB: It's me!
It's me.
I just make hamburgers.
I never wanted
to be a cow killer.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[GASPS]
[SNORES]
Whoa.
Heavy sleeper.
Wha... what happened?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Go back to bed.
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry.
Go back to bed.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[MOOLISSA MOOING]
Hey! Randy!
Your cow's gonna freeze
to death out here!
Randy!
BOB: Shh. Easy.
Easy. Back up.
Back up. Back up.
[GASPS]
oh, my god.
Heh. I know.
It's a cow!
You know what?
You won't even know it's here.
Uh, that was like that already.
Definitely clean that.
Oop. Step back.
This is the best
dream I've ever had!
Everybody pee on the floor!
Who's with me?!
OK, eat while it's hot.
Well, well, well.
Look who's too good for cereal now.
He's trying to impress the cow.
Don't be ridiculous.
Someone knows how to treat
A lady-slash-male steer.
Bob, I am not comfortable
with this situation.
Lin, what was I supposed to do?
I had that crazy dream.
It was raining.
Well, I had a crazy dream
That there wouldn't
be a cow's a-s-s
In my face when I'm
eating my breakfast.
I know what that spells.
Ass.
Ass.
Mom. Heh.
Ass.
Stop it.
Say good-bye, everybody.
It's going out
On the street, where it belongs.
Of course, OK?
Of course.
Right after breakfast.
Cows can't go down stairs.
What?
What's that?
Cows can't go down stairs.
That's, like, a thing.
I've heard that.
It's like a fun fact.
Bobby...
Hmm.
Cows can't go down stairs?
That better not be true.
[BOB GRUNTING]
Huh.
What do you know?
We know you'll push
on a cow's butt
For half an hour
without asking for help.
Gotta have that butt
all to yourself.
RANDY: Hey, bob!
What's the deal, man?
What'd you do to moolissa?
It's up here!
Come get it out!
Linda. Uh, it's not
up here, randy.
My wife's crazy. Shh.
If he knows
I brought the cow in,
He'll think he won.
So what if he won?
Get the cow out
of the house now.
Stop.
You get it out of the house.
I'm trying to... come get...
Oh. Uh, this cow.
This cow, yeah, is here.
Aha!
Dad, I ran that bubble bath
For you and moolissa
like you wanted.
Bubbles!
I'm not taking a bath
with moolissa, randy.
2 days left.
2 days to decide to send
that cow to slaughter
Or admit you're a
hypocrite and a murderer.
Wow.
What a movie.
Bob, what a movie.
It's not my movie, teddy.
What, are they just
Followin' you around
with a camera?
You're in it, you're the star,
But it's not your movie.
Heh.
Good luck, guys.
Will you sign a release?
Sure.
Do you want my john k Hancock?
Yeah.
Anywhere?
No. O-on the line here.
Better get used to this, huh?
Gonna be
in the movies. I...
Just on the line.
Just on the line.
Right... so anywhere? Yeah.
No! No! Where it
says signature!
OK, what's your name?
Do you want it to you?
No, I...
Teddy, what are you doing?!
I'm signing here
an autograph, bob.
[SIGHS]
one big happy family.
Isn't this nice,
all of us here together?
No.
Are you gonna give me
A poop tonight?
Talk to me.
Mmm. Bob, huh?
Well, it's nice.
They like each other.
It's good for Tina.
Come on. Just relax
and... pbbbt!
It's all about the communication
Pbbbt.
Uh-oh.
Hi, moolissa.
[GASPS]
frowny face?
All I've been
is super nice to you,
And this is the thanks I get?
I loved you.
I loved you like a horse,
Which is my favourite animal.
You know what?
Let's just stop
Before we both say
something we'll regret,
Like that horses
are better than cows.
I regret that.
But it's true.
Where's the cow?
I believe you mean,
"where's the steer?"
Yeah. Don't forget
about that penis.
Yeah.
Moolissa?
Moolissa?
Ha! Cows can
go down stairs.
All you need is 4 wool socks,
A mattress,
and the will to make it happen.
You didn't.
Your girlfriend
is tied up outside.
Uh-oh.
Nooooo
Oooo...
What's wrong with dad?
Oooo...
I think he hates leashes.
Ooo!
It's not my fault, randy.
She was stolen. I mean,
it's no one's fault.
Except for Linda's.
I did what I had to do
To protect my family
and my carpet.
Yeah, whatever.
So who do we know
That would steal a cow
in a blonde wig?
Maybe some perverts.
Heh heh.
We had a fight last
night, me and moolissa.
I just wish I had a chance
to make things right again.
You wouldn't if you heard some of
the things she was pooping about you.
Hey, guys!
Take a look at this!
[FAST-FORWARDING]
On the cheap.
[FAST-FORWARDING]
You fellas just
leave her tied up
Here at night all alone?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
She doesn't mind.
We could just back a trailer
right up here, honey, huh?
We sure could,
get ourselves a cow.
Yeah.
Get ourselves a cow.
Yeah.
Get ourselves a c...
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What a dump.
Yikes.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, dear god.
[GASPS] oh, the cow
that jumped over the moon.
See, that's nice.
Come on.
Let's go get her.
We should come back after dark.
Why?
It's more dramatic.
That is stupid.
No. No, no, no.
I can see it now,
the big rescue.
We'll shoot the whole
thing in infrared.
Oh, randy, com... in infrared?
This is nuts.
The kids should be in bed, bob.
It's infrared, Lin.
Show her.
Oh.
Yeah.
Coo! Coo!
Why are you doing that?
I'm signalling.
Everybody, serpentine.
GENE: Yes!
We're a unit.
Dad, you should know
If anything happens,
I am in full attack mode
right now.
Me, too. I'm hungry
for blood.
And also candy.
Uh, thanks, kids.
Damn it. I missed
the signal to stand up.
Sorry, everybody.
You let down the unit.
I said I'm sorry.
Bob, we're here.
What do we do now?
We, uh, uh, open the gate.
That was easy.
What do you think you're doing?
LOUISE: Gene, attack!
Aah!
Aah!
Ow! Your children
are biting my legs!
BOB: Randy, get moolissa.
Let's move.
[GNAWING]
High-five, bob.
We did it.
High-five, randy.
Nice job.
I mean, we couldn't have done it
without the kids biting that woman.
She tasted like
sawdust and goats.
3, 2, 1.
Beep.
[BUZZER]
GENE: Uh-oh.
Bob, the cow-ntdown's over.
It's time to decide
moolissa's fate.
Seriously? Right now?
We just rescued her.
She's due at
the slaughterhouse, bob.
What's it gonna be?
Murderer!
Louise, shush.
[GASPS]
Randy, can you stop making your
stupid movie for one minute
And just be a human being?
I don't know, bob.
Can you stop making your stupid burgers
For one minute and
be a human being?
So now you're
gonna guilt-trip me?
That's what the
whole movie is about.
I thought we were
friends now, randy,
'cause we saved
the cow together!
Maybe activists-
slash-documentarians
Can't have friends,
no matter how many cows they save!
Well, that's just sad, randy!
I know!
[MOO]
[TIRES SKID]
Oh, my god.
That was close.
I don't know what I
would do if anything
Happened to moo... [GROANS]
Ahh.
I didn't hit her!
I didn't hit her!
I... I stopped!
She's probably fine.
She's dead.
She must have had a cow heart attack.
No.
You know what?
Let me get something out
of my van real quick.
Be right back.
[STARTS ENGINE,
SKIDS AWAY]
Moolissa!
Oh, my god, no.
Don't you die on me.
Don't you die.
Say something!
Louise, look.
It's a heart,
A heart-shaped poop.
What the hell?
I didn't do that.
I'm keeping it.
Bob, you all right?
You look a little pale.
[GROANS]
Are we dead?
I'm dead, bob.
You just fainted.
I fainted? Wow.
That's embarrassing.
OK.
I'm... I'm not a fainter.
Yeah. I'm... I'm dead.
Right. Yeah.
But listen. There's something
I want you to do for me.
Make burgers out of me.
What?! No. No way.
Yes way, bob.
Look, ever since I met you,
Making burgers makes me
feel like a horrible person.
Bob, I'm a castrated steer.
Yeah, I'm a married man.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah, I'm kid...
Same thing, right?
Yeah. Think about it, though.
I'm a cow, you know?
We're not wild stallions
or humpback whales,
But we wanna feel special, too.
I do, anyway.
You turn me into
something amazing.
Wait. Isn't this
my subconscious
Telling me what I want to hear?
Hey, no.
You know what?
Yes, it is, actually.
Well, it's working.
Keep talking.
Kiss me.
No. I can't do that.
You can, and you want to.
[SIGHS] OK.
One quick one because I owe you.
Uh, maybe not.
Maybe I... we shouldn't.
Oh, we should, absolutely.
Oh, my god.
What am I doing?
What are you doing?
I'm about to kiss a cow.
Yeah.
[HARP PLAYS]
[KISSING]
Bobby, are you OK?
What's dad doing with his mouth?
Looks like he's kissing.
Well, this is awkward.
Somebody put a blanket over it.
Tastes so good.
OK. All right.
Kids inside! Now!
TINA: Ohh.
[ELECTRONIC BACKBEAT PLAYING]
Before moolissa,
I used to say it's just beef.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
[BARK BARK]
Cows are living creatures
With beautiful hair
and soft brown eyes,
Soft mouths...
Whoo!
And also they are beef.
They're the full package.
[MOO]
Does that make me
a hypocrite to say that?
Yes.
No, it doesn't, randy.
Or if it does,
I can live with that.
I present our 100,000th burger.
[APPLAUSE]
100,000th burger!
All right!
Right. Undo the banner.
Bob's burger,
100,000! All right!
Hooray!
Do the banner.
Here's the banner!
Here comes the banner!
I humbly call this
the rest in peas burger.
[LINDA LAUGHS]
heh.
Because it, uh,
comes with snap peas and carrots.
Thank you.
All right, funeral people,
It's time to party!
[HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Gene dog in the house!
♪ Gene machine ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ in the house ♪
[ECHOES]
what up? What up?
Get ready...
Let's get it on.
To get down.
[HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING]
for joining me here
In the walk-in.
Thank you all.
You said we had to, so...
Shush.
Brr!
I should have brought
my cardigan.
I have an announcement
about the restaurant.
Here in this box is the beef
That will make our...
Gene, drumroll, please.
[IMITATING ROCK 'N' ROLL
DRUM SOLO]
OK, enough.
Gene.
[SLOWS AND STOPS DRUMS SOLO]
Here in this box is the beef
That will make
our 100,000th burger.
Wow.
Can I touch it?
I wanna touch it, too.
I wanna feel it
between my toes. Mmm.
I wanna put a stick
of dynamite in it
And blow it up!
No. What is wrong
with all of you?
No one's touching
this meat but me.
I have an announcement, too.
My bra is chafing me.
That's not a real announcement.
Oh! I have one.
I love...
House music.
There! I said it!
[IMITATING HOUSE BEAT]
And I'm going to get
my gun license,
Finally.
Oh, congratulations.
Can't believe they're
making you wait 3 days.
Stop stealing my thunder!
I found the banner!
It's from our old printer.
You just have to tear off
the holes on the side.
We were supposed to hit
100,000 ages ago.
Heh. We were way off.
Yeah.
Big time.
Ha hah!
Can I just... stop it!
TINA:
There it is.
Get it!
Dive!
Oh, my god.
[BOTH MOAN]
[SIZZLES]
Are you number 100,000?
[HIGH-PITCHED]
no.
[NORMAL]
are you mad at me?
[HIGH-PITCHED]
no.
[NORMAL]
oh, burger, you're cute.
[HIGH-PITCHED]
you're cute, too.
[NORMAL]
heh. I'm not.
Whoa. Linda!
I think the news is here!
I wonder if they heard
about our 100,000th burger!
What?!
Hi. How are you? Uh,
what can I do for you?
Are you bob?
Uh, yeah. I am.
I'm randy Watkins,
The documentary film maker.
OK. Uh...
We're making a film
about the beef industry.
I heard you were about to hit
Your 100,000th burger,
And I wanted to shake your hand.
Oh. Yeah. Um...
Because you, sir,
have blood on your hands.
Eww. Is this ketchup?
It's the blood of
100,000 slaughtered cows.
You ketchuped me.
We're here to force you
to face your victims.
Meet your meat.
What the hell?
Her name is moolissa.
She's due to be
"processed" in 5 days, bob,
Unless you choose
to spare her life.
Wh-why?
That's right.
You will decide her fate.
It's a cow...
Ntdown.
We'll see what your
conscience tells you
When you're looking your
burger right in the eye.
Ow! This is ridiculous.
It's not a crime
to make burgers.
There's no blood on our hands!
What's all the yelling about?
LOUISE: Turns out dad's been putting
murdered cows in our hamburgers.
And you made us a part of it!
You make me sick.
Kids, please.
Oh, look. A cow.
Hello, blondie.
Oops. I got
some meat on you.
Dead cow on live cow.
Gross. Heh heh.
Ohh. God.
Uh, not a good time, Linda.
Heh heh. Ooh.
Randy, stop.
Stop filming. You know,
We're not gonna be in
your cow documentary anymore.
Well, you don't really
have a choice, bob,
'cause I stop at nothing to
expose injustice to animals.
Is that wig glued on?
Yeah. It's... it's the only
way it would stay put.
It's to, uh, humanize her.
It's cute.
Mmm.
I've seen cuter.
Honestly, she's a 4.
Randy, I... I don't know
where to begin.
You know, this isn't
even a female cow.
Beef happens to come from
steers, which are male cows.
Then, uh, how do you
explain that udder?
Whoa. What an udder.
BOB: Get away
from there, Tina.
That's, uh, not an udder.
Oh, it's not?
Don't listen to him, randy.
You go ahead and milk that cow.
Milk it good.
Oh, we did.
You shouldn't have.
Milk doesn't come out of that.
Somethin' came out of it
in that bucket over there.
You mean this bucket of urine?
I know urine, and that's urine.
Gene, put that down.
No!
Well, it certainly
smells like urine,
But that's probably
because she's sick.
No, she's not sick.
Sick of your practices, bob!
OK. You know, we're gonna go
inside and call animal control,
And then you'll have to leave.
[KIDS MOAN]
OK, so you've got
all your permits,
And you're renting
this store front?
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
And, uh, this cow has
had all its shots?
Yes. Sure, sure, sure, sure.
All right. Well, uh,
great. My job is done.
I'll see you guys later.
Bye. Bye. Bye, animal man.
What?
Oh, will you sign
A release to be in the movie?
Uh, yeah.
A movie. Yes.
You're gonna be a star!
Excuse me. Hello.
Thank you.
The person who called you.
Thank you.
You can't have a cow on the sidewalk.
It's dangerous.
Sir, sir, the only thing
dangerous about this cow
Is how adorable it is.
Moo.
Put your hand on this
cow and touch it. What?
I just know that that's
gonna help you.
Touch the cow.
KIDS: Touch the cow.
Touch the cow.
I'm walking away.
Touch it.
Oh, right.
Run away, tough guy!
Yeah! Go take
a meat bath!
Or whatever it is you people do!
"Dial 'M" for mooder,"
interview one, take one.
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ ma ma ma ma ♪
♪ Mi mi mi mi ♪
perfect.
Do you think cows should
be ground up for food?
Personally, I don't really care,
But my father,
he loves grinding them up.
Gives him a rush.
Makes him feel alive.
Daddy's a bad, bad man.
Is this movie
gonna have a score?
You know, some music
to tug at the heartstrings.
I... I haven't
thought about it yet.
Well, check this out.
[BACKBEAT PLAYING]
[PLAYS DOG BARK]
think about it.
Louise,
what does that look like to you?
Cow poop.
Good eye, Tina. Good eye.
No. I mean it's in the
shape of a smiley face,
Like an emoticon.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think the cow
is texting you an emoticon
With its butt.
Very interesting.
Maybe this cow is trying
to communicate with us
The only way it knows
how, with its faeces.
Like gram-gram used to do.
Mom, let's say you had a brilliant
plan, but to execute it,
You needed to write
something using cow poop?
How would you do it?
Oh. Is this
a brainteaser?
Hmm. I would use
a frosting bag.
Do we have one?
Yeah, in the pantry.
Am I right?
Is it a frosting bag?
We'll see, mom.
Ahh.
[CHUCKLES]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
Yeah. Okey-dokey.
Bye, kids.
Have a good day.
Murderer!
[GROANS]
Oh. Hi, randy.
Whoa.
Wink with open smile.
Is this for me?
It has to be.
What should I do?
Should I text back?
Comin' through.
[SQUISH]
Oh, no.
Ehh.
Enh.
Aww.
That's really cute.
It makes me hungry.
Let's eat now.
What's wrong with you people?!
Yeah! What's wrong
with you people?!
Now let's talk about
your music budget.
Is it a million?
We only need one
megaphone out here.
You know what you need?
You need this!
[BACKBEAT PLAYING]
[PLAYS DOG BARK]
Think about it!
Wow. We're mobbed.
Thank you, documentary.
Linda, the documentary is about
me being an evil cow killer.
LOUISE:
Murderer!
Oh, come on, bob.
There's no such thing
as bad publicity.
This could be huge for us.
Like a sex tape.
Like a sex tape.
Uhh.
It's the best free
advertising we ever had.
I know.
It's almost sad.
For who?
I don't know.
The cow.
The cow's goin' out
In a blaze of glory.
Everybody wins, bob.
I guess you're right.
I mean, looks kind
of sweet out there...
Enjoying the day,
meeting people.
Hi, cow.
I'm gonna eat you.
Whoa.
Can it hear us?
[LINDA MUNCHING]
Easy.
Like sands
through the hourglass,
There goes my teeth
right into your back.
That's my wife.
Ah, bobby,
I'm friggin' starvin'.
Who could eat that
beautiful creature?
Shame on you!
Are you going to be
eating a burger today?
We wouldn't dream
of eating an animal.
We run a petting zoo
by the interstate.
It's called mother goose's
discount petting zoo.
Petting horses,
goats, and sheep.
Precious memories on the cheap.
It's basically
an animal sanctuary...
That we make money off of.
Exactly.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh. Hey, randy,
thanks for the business.
[SARCASTIC] oh, hey,
bob, you're welcome.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed soon.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, I'll probably go to bed,
too, 'cause I'm a person.
Bye.
[SIZZLING]
M-moolissa, watch out!
No!
Bring in the accused.
[CROWD CLAMOURING]
Yeah, yeah.
Louise, you're defending me?
[GAVEL BANGS]
This so-called "man"
stands accused
Of murdering nearly 100,000
hamburgers worth of cows.
I call to the stand moolissa.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Objection!
That cow's faking his injuries!
And I can prove it.
Think fast.
Overruled.
Moolissa, is the man
who killed you
In the courtroom today?
BOB: It's me!
It's me.
I just make hamburgers.
I never wanted
to be a cow killer.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[GASPS]
[SNORES]
Whoa.
Heavy sleeper.
Wha... what happened?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Go back to bed.
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry.
Go back to bed.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[MOOLISSA MOOING]
Hey! Randy!
Your cow's gonna freeze
to death out here!
Randy!
BOB: Shh. Easy.
Easy. Back up.
Back up. Back up.
[GASPS]
oh, my god.
Heh. I know.
It's a cow!
You know what?
You won't even know it's here.
Uh, that was like that already.
Definitely clean that.
Oop. Step back.
This is the best
dream I've ever had!
Everybody pee on the floor!
Who's with me?!
OK, eat while it's hot.
Well, well, well.
Look who's too good for cereal now.
He's trying to impress the cow.
Don't be ridiculous.
Someone knows how to treat
A lady-slash-male steer.
Bob, I am not comfortable
with this situation.
Lin, what was I supposed to do?
I had that crazy dream.
It was raining.
Well, I had a crazy dream
That there wouldn't
be a cow's a-s-s
In my face when I'm
eating my breakfast.
I know what that spells.
Ass.
Ass.
Mom. Heh.
Ass.
Stop it.
Say good-bye, everybody.
It's going out
On the street, where it belongs.
Of course, OK?
Of course.
Right after breakfast.
Cows can't go down stairs.
What?
What's that?
Cows can't go down stairs.
That's, like, a thing.
I've heard that.
It's like a fun fact.
Bobby...
Hmm.
Cows can't go down stairs?
That better not be true.
[BOB GRUNTING]
Huh.
What do you know?
We know you'll push
on a cow's butt
For half an hour
without asking for help.
Gotta have that butt
all to yourself.
RANDY: Hey, bob!
What's the deal, man?
What'd you do to moolissa?
It's up here!
Come get it out!
Linda. Uh, it's not
up here, randy.
My wife's crazy. Shh.
If he knows
I brought the cow in,
He'll think he won.
So what if he won?
Get the cow out
of the house now.
Stop.
You get it out of the house.
I'm trying to... come get...
Oh. Uh, this cow.
This cow, yeah, is here.
Aha!
Dad, I ran that bubble bath
For you and moolissa
like you wanted.
Bubbles!
I'm not taking a bath
with moolissa, randy.
2 days left.
2 days to decide to send
that cow to slaughter
Or admit you're a
hypocrite and a murderer.
Wow.
What a movie.
Bob, what a movie.
It's not my movie, teddy.
What, are they just
Followin' you around
with a camera?
You're in it, you're the star,
But it's not your movie.
Heh.
Good luck, guys.
Will you sign a release?
Sure.
Do you want my john k Hancock?
Yeah.
Anywhere?
No. O-on the line here.
Better get used to this, huh?
Gonna be
in the movies. I...
Just on the line.
Just on the line.
Right... so anywhere? Yeah.
No! No! Where it
says signature!
OK, what's your name?
Do you want it to you?
No, I...
Teddy, what are you doing?!
I'm signing here
an autograph, bob.
[SIGHS]
one big happy family.
Isn't this nice,
all of us here together?
No.
Are you gonna give me
A poop tonight?
Talk to me.
Mmm. Bob, huh?
Well, it's nice.
They like each other.
It's good for Tina.
Come on. Just relax
and... pbbbt!
It's all about the communication
Pbbbt.
Uh-oh.
Hi, moolissa.
[GASPS]
frowny face?
All I've been
is super nice to you,
And this is the thanks I get?
I loved you.
I loved you like a horse,
Which is my favourite animal.
You know what?
Let's just stop
Before we both say
something we'll regret,
Like that horses
are better than cows.
I regret that.
But it's true.
Where's the cow?
I believe you mean,
"where's the steer?"
Yeah. Don't forget
about that penis.
Yeah.
Moolissa?
Moolissa?
Ha! Cows can
go down stairs.
All you need is 4 wool socks,
A mattress,
and the will to make it happen.
You didn't.
Your girlfriend
is tied up outside.
Uh-oh.
Nooooo
Oooo...
What's wrong with dad?
Oooo...
I think he hates leashes.
Ooo!
It's not my fault, randy.
She was stolen. I mean,
it's no one's fault.
Except for Linda's.
I did what I had to do
To protect my family
and my carpet.
Yeah, whatever.
So who do we know
That would steal a cow
in a blonde wig?
Maybe some perverts.
Heh heh.
We had a fight last
night, me and moolissa.
I just wish I had a chance
to make things right again.
You wouldn't if you heard some of
the things she was pooping about you.
Hey, guys!
Take a look at this!
[FAST-FORWARDING]
On the cheap.
[FAST-FORWARDING]
You fellas just
leave her tied up
Here at night all alone?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
She doesn't mind.
We could just back a trailer
right up here, honey, huh?
We sure could,
get ourselves a cow.
Yeah.
Get ourselves a cow.
Yeah.
Get ourselves a c...
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What a dump.
Yikes.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, dear god.
[GASPS] oh, the cow
that jumped over the moon.
See, that's nice.
Come on.
Let's go get her.
We should come back after dark.
Why?
It's more dramatic.
That is stupid.
No. No, no, no.
I can see it now,
the big rescue.
We'll shoot the whole
thing in infrared.
Oh, randy, com... in infrared?
This is nuts.
The kids should be in bed, bob.
It's infrared, Lin.
Show her.
Oh.
Yeah.
Coo! Coo!
Why are you doing that?
I'm signalling.
Everybody, serpentine.
GENE: Yes!
We're a unit.
Dad, you should know
If anything happens,
I am in full attack mode
right now.
Me, too. I'm hungry
for blood.
And also candy.
Uh, thanks, kids.
Damn it. I missed
the signal to stand up.
Sorry, everybody.
You let down the unit.
I said I'm sorry.
Bob, we're here.
What do we do now?
We, uh, uh, open the gate.
That was easy.
What do you think you're doing?
LOUISE: Gene, attack!
Aah!
Aah!
Ow! Your children
are biting my legs!
BOB: Randy, get moolissa.
Let's move.
[GNAWING]
High-five, bob.
We did it.
High-five, randy.
Nice job.
I mean, we couldn't have done it
without the kids biting that woman.
She tasted like
sawdust and goats.
3, 2, 1.
Beep.
[BUZZER]
GENE: Uh-oh.
Bob, the cow-ntdown's over.
It's time to decide
moolissa's fate.
Seriously? Right now?
We just rescued her.
She's due at
the slaughterhouse, bob.
What's it gonna be?
Murderer!
Louise, shush.
[GASPS]
Randy, can you stop making your
stupid movie for one minute
And just be a human being?
I don't know, bob.
Can you stop making your stupid burgers
For one minute and
be a human being?
So now you're
gonna guilt-trip me?
That's what the
whole movie is about.
I thought we were
friends now, randy,
'cause we saved
the cow together!
Maybe activists-
slash-documentarians
Can't have friends,
no matter how many cows they save!
Well, that's just sad, randy!
I know!
[MOO]
[TIRES SKID]
Oh, my god.
That was close.
I don't know what I
would do if anything
Happened to moo... [GROANS]
Ahh.
I didn't hit her!
I didn't hit her!
I... I stopped!
She's probably fine.
She's dead.
She must have had a cow heart attack.
No.
You know what?
Let me get something out
of my van real quick.
Be right back.
[STARTS ENGINE,
SKIDS AWAY]
Moolissa!
Oh, my god, no.
Don't you die on me.
Don't you die.
Say something!
Louise, look.
It's a heart,
A heart-shaped poop.
What the hell?
I didn't do that.
I'm keeping it.
Bob, you all right?
You look a little pale.
[GROANS]
Are we dead?
I'm dead, bob.
You just fainted.
I fainted? Wow.
That's embarrassing.
OK.
I'm... I'm not a fainter.
Yeah. I'm... I'm dead.
Right. Yeah.
But listen. There's something
I want you to do for me.
Make burgers out of me.
What?! No. No way.
Yes way, bob.
Look, ever since I met you,
Making burgers makes me
feel like a horrible person.
Bob, I'm a castrated steer.
Yeah, I'm a married man.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah, I'm kid...
Same thing, right?
Yeah. Think about it, though.
I'm a cow, you know?
We're not wild stallions
or humpback whales,
But we wanna feel special, too.
I do, anyway.
You turn me into
something amazing.
Wait. Isn't this
my subconscious
Telling me what I want to hear?
Hey, no.
You know what?
Yes, it is, actually.
Well, it's working.
Keep talking.
Kiss me.
No. I can't do that.
You can, and you want to.
[SIGHS] OK.
One quick one because I owe you.
Uh, maybe not.
Maybe I... we shouldn't.
Oh, we should, absolutely.
Oh, my god.
What am I doing?
What are you doing?
I'm about to kiss a cow.
Yeah.
[HARP PLAYS]
[KISSING]
Bobby, are you OK?
What's dad doing with his mouth?
Looks like he's kissing.
Well, this is awkward.
Somebody put a blanket over it.
Tastes so good.
OK. All right.
Kids inside! Now!
TINA: Ohh.
[ELECTRONIC BACKBEAT PLAYING]
Before moolissa,
I used to say it's just beef.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
[BARK BARK]
Cows are living creatures
With beautiful hair
and soft brown eyes,
Soft mouths...
Whoo!
And also they are beef.
They're the full package.
[MOO]
Does that make me
a hypocrite to say that?
Yes.
No, it doesn't, randy.
Or if it does,
I can live with that.
I present our 100,000th burger.
[APPLAUSE]
100,000th burger!
All right!
Right. Undo the banner.
Bob's burger,
100,000! All right!
Hooray!
Do the banner.
Here's the banner!
Here comes the banner!
I humbly call this
the rest in peas burger.
[LINDA LAUGHS]
heh.
Because it, uh,
comes with snap peas and carrots.
Thank you.
All right, funeral people,
It's time to party!
[HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Gene dog in the house!
♪ Gene machine ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ in the house ♪
[ECHOES]
what up? What up?
Get ready...
Let's get it on.
To get down.
[HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING]