Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Crawl Space - full transcript

His in-law's are coming into town, and Bob tries desperately to concoct a plan to avoid them for as long as he can. Unfortunately, Bob did not plan to get stuck in the recesses of the family restaurant.

Gene.

Gene. Gene.

What?

Stop.

Bob, no more newspaper, please.

My parents are gonna
be here any minute.

I know.

You know how
I know they're coming?

Because you go into a crazy
cleaning frenzy every time.

It's like the way animals
freak out before an earthquake.

That's nice.
That's not true.



She's spooked.

Louise, you're gettin'
cereal everywhere.

I'm having a seizure!

Put a wallet in my mouth!

It passed.

Look at this place.
It's a disaster.

You haven't even
fixed the leak yet.

Come on.
Linda, the leak is contained.

Bobby!
What?

You barely notice those.

Aah!

I'm OK.

Trust me, bobby.

My mother will notice that
our ceiling is leaking.



Yeah, you're right.

She will, repeatedly and loudly.

Just fix it, please.

Be my all-American
fix-it man, bobby.

Fine. I'll go up to the
attic and fix the leak.

But I also need you and
the kids to work out

Whose room my folks
are sleepin' in,

Because I have to go check
the bathroom for stray hairs.

No one sheds like this family.

It's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.

So where are grandma
and grandpa gonna sleep?

Gene's room smells like farts.

That makes sense.

Great. Well, we'll put 'em
in there, then.

Maybe they'll leave sooner
when they smell farts.

Yeah. Gene can sleep
with me in my room

As long as he doesn't mind
my night terrors. Huh?

Remember, you let me watch "night
of the living dead" when I was 8,

So now I wake up every night
standing in the middle of my room,

Scratching the air, and kicking.

Oh, good.
Wait. You still get those?

Yeah. They're weirder now.
Oh, boy.

I think my subconscious fears
and my budding sexuality

Are getting all mixed up.

OK, I... Tina, I don't
want to hear it.

So I think I'm being
attacked by zombies,

And I start screaming,
"do you wanna make out?"

And I make out with it.

Hmm.

I might just bunk
with gram and gramps.

OK, enough.

Gene, Louise,
you sleep in Tina's room.

Tina, you're quarantined.
You sleep alone.

We'll strap you down
or something.

Leave my lips free.

Hey. Hey!

Gene, just 'cause grandma
and grandpa are comin',

Doesn't mean you're gonna
get out of doin' homework.

How far are you on
that history report?

So far, I just got the title...

"HISTORY: A blast
from the past."

OK. After we get
my parents settled,

Your father's gonna help you with that.
Right, bob?

Have it on my desk
by 5:00.

I am not writing
your report for you.

Hey! OK, everybody,

I have an announcement to make.

I am on a ladder.
Stop shaking it.

I feel like I shouldn't
have to say that.

Dad, why do you get
so mad when grandma Gloria

And grandpa Al
come over to visit?

Do you hate them?

I don't hate them.
Just grandma.

Or I don't hate her,
just the sound she makes

And her voice and
the things she says.

Agh!

Al!

Wanna hear my impression of her?

Yes.

Al!

LINDA: I'm not
hearing this, right?

Sorry. I mean,
she's your gram gram.

We love her.

We hate her.

I fixed the leak!

Good!
Don't stay up there too long,

'cause I wanna sorta
have a nice visit

Before we open the restaurant!

Uh, I mean, almost done!

Huh?

Wow. This is amazing.

Eh, whose room am I behind?!

TINA: Mine.

Hi, Tina.

Are you in the wall
or in my horse poster?

Please say,
"horse poster."

I'm a horse.

Oh, wait. I can
go sideways, too.

Are you in another dimension?

Do you see a lion or
a witch or a wardrobe?

A what?

A lion, a witch, or a wardrobe!

Why are you saying that, gene?

It's a book.

Oh, right, right.
A kid's book. Yeah.

Yeah, by salman Rushdie.

It's not by salman Rushdie.

Of course it is.
It isn't.

Yes, it is.

I'm not gonna talk to you
anymore, gene.

I'm in a wall.
Go look it up, though.

I just did.
It's salman Rushdie.

LINDA: They're here!

Bob, come out
of the wall, please!

Yeah.

Hello!

Al!
Oh, my god.

Don't leave our bags
out there on the street.

Are you crazy?

What are all these pots
doing on the floor?

Bob'll pick 'em up, mom.

Bob, quit foolin' around
in there.

You're gonna get yourself stuck.

Eh, uh, uh-oh!

Lin! Lin!

Yes? What?

You're never gonna believe this.

What is it? What?

I'm stuck!

Shouldn't have farted.

GLORIA: Who's trapped
in the wall?

Bob.
BOB: Me.

Bob can't fit in the wall.

He's overweight.

Mom.
What?

He can't hear me.

Yes, I can.
I'm right here.

I'd like to order a hamburger.

No, Al! He can't
have a hamburger.

He can have a turkey burger.

There's no such thing
as a turkey burger.

Go read
your "maxim."

Dad gets "maxim"?

No. He found it in the
recycling at the condo.

Who's on the cover?

The girls of
"coyote ugly."

I don't think they're
even alive anymore.

Lin, we need to open
the restaurant.

Hey, I bet I can get down there.

What are you talking about?
You can go down?

Kids, you meet me down
there, OK?

You're gonna be my
eyes and my hands.

OK. We're
down there.

No, you're not.
You haven't moved!

I'm turning on the grill!
Beep boop. Whoosh!

That's not the sound
the grill makes.

Go down to the restaurant.

OK, so the special
comes with feta cheese,

And it's called never been feta.

Heh. Did you hear that?
Are you laughing?

Ha. Ha ha!

I hear you laughing.
Are you writing it?

Yep.
Never been feta.

Good. All right,
I'm gonna go get Tina set up on the grill.

This is going great!

Hey, kids!
Gene! Louise!

Hey!
Hey.

Take this.
That's my pee.

Oh. Uhh.
Yeah.

Empty it out and
bring it back, OK?

This'll be our system.

Uh...
You're my pee guy.

Dad's pee.

Ohh. Bob, I called
teddy the contractor!

He's coming right away
to get you out!

What? No. Lin,
that's not necessary.

Of course it is.

You're stuck in the wall.

No, I know. Just you
know how teddy is.

Talky teddy, yap yap yap.

What, you don't have
time for his stories?

Are you very, very busy today?

Uh, no.

You're in a tight spot,
huh, bobby?

A little bit, teddy.

Ehh. I've heard of buildings
like this, you know,

With false walls.
Uh-huh.

It's a prohibition thing.
Oh.

Yeah, this town, it used
to be a bootleggers port.

A lot of people don't know that.

That's interesting.

Yeah. My great-uncle used to
run a speakeasy here in town.

It was called swanky's,
place called swanky's.

You ever hear of a cocktail
called the swanky-panky?

No. It's made with
2 parts vermouth...

Teddy. Teddy.
Teddy, listen.

Don't get me out today, OK?

Tell Linda you have
to come back tomorrow.

I got the sawzall
in the truck. I don't even...

No, no, no.
Teddy, listen.

Tell her that you need
a permit or something.

You want to stay
in the wall, bob?

Don't judge, teddy.
Don't judge.

There's nothing wrong with a
man enjoying his crawl space

Till his in-laws leave.

No. It's just, you know,
I heard about this guy

That hid out in a wall
from the police.

He went bonkers, bob.

You know, when they found him,

He was chewin' on a 2x4,

Wearin' nothin' but copper wire.

That's a great story, teddy.

Just come back tomorrow.

OK. I still got to charge you
for today, though.

Today? You just
stood there talking.

Bob, you know, my therapist says

That if I don't value my
time, nobody's goin' to.

All right. You're right.
Right. Just...

All right. I'm just
gonna write it up

As a consultation.
No friend prices.

All right, do whatever
you have to do

And just drop the bill
down the shaft.

All right.

Did you get it?

Did you drop it?

I dropped it.

I didn't get it.

Well, I can't have the...
you know, the things outstanding.

Teddy, I'll look for it, all right?
Find it.

Write another one, then!

I don't have... now I
got to go to the truck.

OK, as you can see,

I'm spending my first night

Inside the walls
of my own house.

I borrowed gene's camera so
I can document my experience.

LINDA: Come on, bob.
It's late.

And Louise has loaned me
her kuchi kupi night light.

LOUISE: Kuchi kopi.

Kuchi kopi.
Kuchi kopi night light.

Anyway, here's where
I'm gonna sleep tonight.

I'll show you.

GLORIA: Oh, Al. Yes.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. I thin 'cause I am
not taking care of that baby.

I'm gonna sample it.

Well, hello.

Funny seeing you here.

Whoa. Double trouble.

OK, let's do this.

You sound like my grandmother.

What?
I can't hear you.

And you sound like
my grandfather.

Please stop touching each other.
Please stop touching each other.

Aah!

Gene, you ready
to give your report?

Oh. Uh...

My grandparents
are staying with us,

And they were both alive
during prohibition.

So this is what it sounds like

When they have sex
in the room next to mine.

GLORIA:
Oww. Oww. Ahh.

O-o-o-oww oww.

AL: What?
Oww.

Principal's office! Now!

O-o-oww oww!
Right.

Ahhhhh hah.

Father, in life,
this restaurant was your curse.

Now, in death,
your restless spirit haunts this place.

Speak to us, father!

BOB: Louise, is that you?

Did you hear that?

Yes. It's Louise!
Your daughter!

Go to the light, father!

Oh, OK, I see.
Very funny. I'm a ghost.

Ask him anything you wanna
know about the other side.

Are you the ghost
from the movie "ghost"?

No. Louise already told you
I'm the ghost of her dead dad.

Come on.
Next question.

Are you the ghost from
the movie "ghost dad"?

What did I just say?

This is what you ask a ghost?

You know what this
makes me wanna do?

Eat your souls!

Run!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, god!
He got me!

At least you're holding me now.

What is going on over here?

BOB: Uh, sorry, Lin.

Well, I'm glad
you're enjoying yourself.

I'll go back
to running the kitchen,

Busing tables,
and taking care of the kids.

Oh, boy.
Lin, don't be mad.

Come here.
No.

Come over toward my hand.

All right. All right.

Let me stroke your
hair the way you like.

Isn't this nice?

Oh, god.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Linda, that's your mom's
throat clear exactly.

Yes. And?

Well, first you
make sounds like her.

Next thing, you'll be yelling, "no burgers.
Read your 'maxim.'"

I mean, you already kind of
nag like she does. Whoop.

Where's the hair?

I am not turning into my mother!

That bathroom is filthy.

Who was the last
person in there?

You go back in there
and you wipe the seat.

BOB: Hey, no nagging
my customers!

Don't you yell at my mother!

What's that, nagatha Christie?

Linda, sweetheart,
you've got more than you can handle here.

Your father and I have
decided to stay another night.

What?! No!

We'll stay as long
as we need to.

No, no, no! No!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I got detention.
Aw, come on.

Yeah. But I don't wanna
beat myself up about it,

Since it's really dad's fault.

It's your history report. Yeah.

Thanks, mom.
We're gonna...

You know what?
We're gonna need you.

We'll take all the help
we can get around here.

No, no, no. No.
Linda, I'm gonna get out of here.

They don't have to stay.

I have...
I have an idea,

A new idea I just thought of

On how I can get out right away.

Oh, boy.

Ow.

Ow! Son of a bitch!

Where did he go?

I can... I can hear him.

Lin...
Yeah?

I'm stuck.

Yeah, I know, bob.

No, I'm really stuck.

What are you talking about?

Are you telling me
you weren't stuck before?!

No.

You were fakin' it.

I can't believe this.

Bob's burgers.

TEDDY: Hi, Linda.
It's teddy.

Oh, hi, teddy.

Hey, I'm on my way over
to get bob out.

You know what? We actually don't
need you to come and get bob out.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he's fine.

What? No! We...

Teddy! Te...
we need...

I need to come out!

Bye, teddy.
Teddy!

Have fun in there!

Linda!

OK, day 3 stuck in the wall.

I sure would love to go poo.

That would be good.

Oww!

Yep. OK. I can't
get out that way.

Ohh. I got
a big splinter.

Uhh. Feel
a little faint.

Uhh. Keep it together, bob.

Are there spiders everywhere?

Aah! On me! On me!
Aah! Spi...

You understand me,
don't you, night light?

Tell me. Why did you

Want to have a séance
in your family's restaurant?

And when exactly did
your father pass away?

Uh, I forget.

Give me your hands.

Let's summon his spirit now.

If that'll help, P, sure.

OK. I need you to
hum with me, please.

Hum with you?
Yeah.

♪ Ung ung ung
ung ung ung ♪

Big door.

Was this always here?

Wow. There's a speakeasy
in the crawl space.

What a great idea.

Nice to see you,
Mr. Bob.

Nice to see you, kuchi kopi.

What'll it be,
Mr. Bob?

Give me some hooch,
your best bootleg hooch.

Heh.

How are things
going, Mr. Bob?

Things could be better, kuchi.

Things could be
a whole lot better.

Do you need to use
the facilities, Mr. Bob?

Go number 2?

I'm glad you asked, kuchi.

Yes, I do need to go number 2.

Yes, I do, a lot.

Here's my creation.

I call it the tunami.

You're gonna sell
a million of these.

You know, that tastes so good,

I say we make it
the burger of the day.

So your mother-in-law
is quite wilful.

Yeah, she is.

She needs to be corrected.

What does that mean?
Killed.

Wow. You turned into a mean
little night light, kuchi.

Did you know your wife
and your mother-in-law

Are trying to interfere
with your business?

They are?
My business?

Yes. They are
attempting to bring

An outside protein
into the situation.

An outside protein?

Tuna.
Tuna?!

I'm so tired.

My grandparents are
haunting my dreams.

I need a nap.

I could crawl up in
the ceiling and sleep.

That's what dad would do.

Yeah. I'm gonna
make him proud of me.

Oh, it's nice up here.

BOY: Man, you're ripped.

Your abs look like
challah bread.

SECOND BOY: Thanks.
You look...

Oh, my god. The boys' locker
room must be right over there.

I'll sleep later.

BOB, RASPY:
Poison.

What?

Mercury poisoning

In the tuna fish!

Bob, stop.

"Bob, stop."

good one, kuchi.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, no one, just a friend.

He's losing it in there.

OK, it's time for you
to come out.

There is no out, Linda,

Not anymore.
Where am I?

Am I here, or am I here?

Bob...
I'm everywhere!

I'm calling the fire department.

Drop the towel.

There it is again.
Did you hear it?

Drop the...

Aah!

3 siblings in trouble in 2 days,

That's a red flag right there.

What's going on with you guys?

Our father got
trapped in the wall.

Is that how he died?

Dad's dead?

Good job, Mr. Frond.

We were gonna tell her
on father's day.

Now we have nothing
to do on father's day!

OK, you know what you are?

You are kids in crisis.

We need to conduct
a home visit today.

Yeah!
OK. OK.

Let's get over there.

Oh, my gosh.
What are those?

Grief puppets.

Bring 'em.
We're gonna need 'em.

What about those?
Are you gonna bring those?

Crisis crayons?
You think?

Crisis crayons, absolutely.

I've got so many drawings
that I need to do.

LINDA: Hey, I-I'm sorry.

It's a little loud in here.

Y-you're coming
for a home visit when?

Right there. Chop.

Don't do it.
I'm staying in here.

He's loopy. Chop.

I'm never coming out!

Yeah, we see this all the time.

I'll chop a hole,
but it's probably not gonna do it.

You'll have to put
some food out.

What's going on?

They probably got
complaints about the smell

And came to get the body
out of the wall.

You mean it's still in there?

Well, parts of him.

Oh, my god.

It's a real crisis,
Mr. Frond!

Yeah.
It's a crisis!

Yeah! Crisis!
We're all in crisis!

All right! OK!
Don't you take my daddy out of the wall!

Bob, I'm sitting here

With the counsellor from school,

Who thinks you're dead,

So this would be a great
time to grow up and help out.

BOB: A counsellor?
What is this, camp?

Heh heh heh.
I'm funny in the wall.

I... ho! Ho! Ho!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Your husband is not dead?

No, just aggravating.

OK, why would Louise let
me think that he was dead?

Oh, she just likes messing with
people she thinks are stup...

I know!
What? I...

How about a burger?

Want something from
the restaurant, a burger?

No. I don't eat meat.

Ah.
BOB, SOFT: Kill him.

Shut up, kuchi.

I've got some nice
ground beef for you, bob.

Bob!

I'm starting to get
a better picture here.

Right now I'm looking up
guidelines for when and how

Social services should get
involved in a case like this.

What?!
Yeah.

Social services?
Yeah.

What?!
Yeah!

That throat-clearing sound,

It's coming from
inside the wall!

Bob!

Oh, my god!

Bob, come towards my voice.

I'll yell.

Aah!

Aah!

My mother's visiting us.

GLORIA:
Stop crawling away!

BOB: This isn't happening!

Get a hold of yourself!

Don't shake me.

I might go to the bathroom.

Here's bobby.

I found him.

Aah!
Ohh!

That's hot!

Ahh.
Oww.

Oh. Wow.

Much better.

Bad modelling, poor boundaries...

Well, really, no boundaries.

I'm gonna have to make
some calls.

Wait, Mr. Frond,
now that I have a clear head,

I want to apologise
to everybody.

Hiding in the walls
was selfish and dumb.

And, Linda, I'm sorry I
called you nagatha Christie.

It was in the heat
of the moment,

And it was really dumb.

Aww. Thank you, bobby.

I mean, I can do better,

Like Spiro nagnew.
Heh.

All right, quit
while you're ahead.

Naggedy Ann?

Secretary of nagriculture?

Ha! Now, that one's funny.

That one's funny.
I like... ha ha ha!

I'm not a...
I'm not a nag.

That's funny,
though. I like it.

Social services?

Now, hold on there, pal.

Hey... eh!

Are you married?

You have kids?

No a-and no.

Listen to me.

My daughter is the best
mother in the world,

And this one, he is
nuts, but guess what.

Having a family
makes you go nuts.

So if you don't have kids,

I don't think you know enough

To be calling in anyone.

In fact, I don't
think you come out

Looking so good here yourself.

I wonder if you even got
permission from the school

To come over here today.

He didn't.

He took us away from learning!

We were in the car
with Mr. Frond,

And he didn't make
us wear seat belts.

What?!

How about you put your phone
and your little notebook

Back in your pocket there
and leave this family alone!

Heh. OK. All right.

All right. All right.

All right.

Gloria, thank you.

Come back soon, you two.

Bye, gram.
Bye, gramps.

See you in my dreams.

Well, I have a room to refart.

Dad, can I have my night
light back now? No.

Give it to me.
Stop it.

Give it to me.
Stop it.

Give it.
Stop it.

It's my night light.
No. Stop.

This is embarrassing to me.

No!
You're a grown man!

I'm keeping it!