Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Burger Wars - full transcript

All right, listen,
you kids are gonna be

on your best
behaviour, right now.

The landlord,
Mr. Fischoeder's, coming over

to talk about the lease, and we
don't know if he's gonna renew.

- He'll renew.
- Well, we haven't always

paid our rent on time.

We never pay our rent on time.

- Thanks, Lin.
- Uh.

All right, listen.
Your mother and I

are gonna go make him some food.

That's gonna save us;
Our food, and our service.



- You kids start cleaning now.
- Pick that up.

And, Gene, you go outside and
try and drum up some business.

I'll play my triangle!

Ding-da-da-ding, da-da-ding,
da-da-ding, da-da-ding...

No! You don't
understand my music!

Shush. And here's the
other important thing:

When Fischoeder gets
here, you will not...

I repeat, not...
stare at him

like he's some kind
of spectacle.

- I don't-I don't ever stare at him.
- I-I don't stare at him.

I don't know what you're
talking about. Um...

Yes, Mr. Fischoeder
is an eccentric.

Yes, he wears a white suit.

And an eye patch.



And he drives a golf
cart everywhere.

He is one white cat away
from being a super-villain.

All right, but he owns this
building, everybody.

He owns the amusement park,

and just about
everything else in town,

so you're not going to stare
at him when he gets here.

Here we go!

Bob, Linda,

your children are refusing
to acknowledge me.

Ah, kids, stop doing that.

Acknowledge Mr. Fischoeder,
right now.

- Are you a superhero?
- Can I feel your hair?

Stop! Stop! Go clean something,
now. All of you.

So, uh, Mr. Fischoeder,

you know, after all these
years, I've realised,

- you've never eaten my food.
- Mm-hmm.

And I want to present to you

one of my favourite
speciality burgers.

Oh, no offence, Bob,
but I have a policy

that I don't dine at any
of my tenants' establishments.

Oh. But I saw you
eating at juicy Sushi.

That's different.
That place is incredible!

Have you had their starfish?
It melts in your mouth.

No? Nobody?

- You?
- No.

Anywho...

Quiet in here.

Like this a lot, Bob?

Yeah, well, I mean,
it's 12:30.

Sorta the lunch lull.

- The lunch lull.
- That's what we call it.

- Huh. Wow.
- Jimmy Pesto's lunch lull

Well, Jimmy
Pesto's is a pizza place

If you're into that
kind of thing... pizza.

Stupid.

- I like pizza.
- Pizza?! Where's pizza?!

Shush. Anyway, when
people want a burger...

A good American burger...

They have nowhere
else to go, but...

Sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.

Let me be honest with you.

I enjoy you, Bob.
Your moustache,

- it's fascinating.
- Thank you.

- Do you mind if I...?
- You're touching it.

- Yeah. I... That's...
- Yeah, you're...

- That's really something.
- Thank you.

Thank you. Mmm...
Hmm... hmm...

Listen, Jimmy Pesto has tendered
an offer on this space.

Jimmy Pesto?! He wants
to move over here?

Yes, he wants to move
his gift shop over here.

Gift shop?!

This would be an
amazing gift shop!

I could do all my
Christmas shopping here!

- Yes!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Please, I-I think if you tried
my burger, you'd see that...

Bob, you're always
late with the rent.

- And Jimmy pays early.
- Wait, wait, wait,

Mr. Fischoeder, please.
Be-before you make a decision,

just taste my burger.
Just taste it.

Fine. Another trip to the gym.

Jimmy Pesto may be a
good businessman,

But I think you'll find
that, unlike his microwaved junk,

my food is...

Mr. Fischoeder?
Mr. Fischoeder?

He-he's choking.
He's chok...

- How do I do it?! What do I do?
- You just push! Push!

- Push on his belly!
- Hit him in the crotch!

No, Gene! Don't hit him in the crotch.

Yes! Hit him in the crotch!

- I'll hold his hair.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Linda, please.
- Oh, my God!

Wow! He's turning blue!

Put his hand in warm water!
He can't die!

He cannot die in here!

- Let's move him outside.
- No, everybody, hands around him!

- Group Heimlich! One...
- Two, three!

There it is!
Holy crap!

Give him some room, kids.

Give him room!

Oh... ow...

- So, um...
- Ow...

Did you, uh, did you like it?

Your rent is due Friday night.

And if you're late,
I'm giving your lease

to Jimmy Pesto.

Do you want me to
pack this to go?

You're gonna need fries with that.

So Mr. Fischoeder is okay...

But we've got to pay the rent
in full by tomorrow night.

Paying the rent in full!

What's next?
Paying your other bills?

Don't worry.
We'll figure something out.

- Right, Bobby?
- Jimmy...

Freaking... Pesto.

Oh, Bob.
You know, Pesto's not his real name;

It's Poplopovich.

Of course it is.
The guy's a complete phoney.

What is this obsession with him?

- I'm not obsessed with him.
- Yeah, you are. You're both obsessed.

It's like you guys
are stalking each other.

I could care less about the guy.

I think you should both grow up,

at least for the kids' sake.

- Let me see. Let me see.
- Ugh. The kids.

Why does Tina have to
like Jimmy Pesto Jr.?

Of all the 13-year-old
boys in the world...

Eh, she likes them, too.

It's kind of romantic, though...
two families at war,

a budding romance...

- It's like West Side story!
- Ugh!

Rumble!
Stop.

You know Louise is friends
with the twins, now, too...

Pesto's little boys... Andy and Ollie.

No, no, no. I'm calling a
ban on all the Pesto kids.

Our kids are going
to cease contact.

- Let's be best friends forever.
- Okay.

Let's cut our hands and
press them together

- and become blood brothers!
- Okay!

No, spit brothers! Spit
in your hand and then shake.

- Let's do both!
- Sorry,

I'm saving my spit and blood
for my honeymoon.

Let's rub our eyes together.

- You can get my pink eye!
- Okay!

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

- Ow. Ow. Ooh...
- So hard to be friends these days.

Hey, is that your brother Jimmy,
touching himself all over?

Yeah, he's really
into slow dancing now.

He knows it's supposed
to be with other people, right?

It is?
Ugh, look at Tina.

Kissed the guy, and she still
can't get his attention.

She should try
pigs in a blanket.

That always gets my attention.

Ugh.
What's he up to now?

What!? Oh, my God!

"Now serving burgers.
" Burgers...!

That's it.
It's time for a showdown.

All right.

♪ We're going to a rumble ♪

I'm gonna confront him.
♪ Gonna confront him ♪

Confront him right in the face.
♪ Yeah, right in his handsome face. ♪

- What?
- What?

You said
"handsome face."

You did.
It's a...

"Right in his handsome face.
" I know what I said.

- You think he's handsome?
- God, yes.

No, I'm saying it with anger,
like, "you handsome face!"

So he's... He's so handsome you
wanna-you wanna punch him.

He looks like tom Selleck.

When I die,
I want you to cremate me

and throw my ashes
in tom Selleck's face.

That's a crazy request.
I get it.

All right, let's go.

Kids, watch the restaurant.

- Oh, lord.
- So many people...

Kids, watch the restaurant.

Tina, watch the restaurant.

Restaurant, we both know
you can handle this.

Call me if you need me.
Love you.

Jimmy said he'll be right out.

- You wanna try a Pesto-colada?
- No. Yeah, sure.

- Lin.
- What? Free drink.

Yuck. Look at that.

"Pasta la vista, baby"?

"Frank and Zelda,
oldies with goodies"? Ugh.

Some confrontation.

I want some action.

I need some action.

There's Jimmy Jr.

Busing tables has never
looked so sensual.

- Yet so menial.
- Yeah.

Here's Jimmy.
Now some fur's gonna fly.

Bob of Bob's burgers.

Jimmy so-called Pesto
of Jimmy Pesto's.

Let's skip the niceties,
shall we?

Pesto-colada for the lady...

- On the house.
- Thank you.

Except for that nicety.

- What are you doing, Jimmy?
- What?

Selling burgers,
coming after my lease...

What are you doing, Poplopovich?

Whoa... Yeah, your name is
not what it says on the...

Mmm.
Mmm. Lin.

Mmm, ah.
Stop.

Ah. It's good.

Bob, I run a business,
all right?

I don't know what you're doing,
with your fancy ingredients.

"I'm Bob, and I like kale."

Kale!
There's nothing wrong with kale.

- Why don't you call it snob's burgers?
- Snob's burgers, ha!

You think anything that
isn't frozen

or rotten is fancy, Jimmy.

Okay, Mr. fancy face,
let's see who's got customers?

♪ Ah, da-Di-Di-Di... ♪

Ah, I got some.

Let's see who doesn't.
Oh, you.

Ha. I've got...

I've got customers, Jimmy.

They're not there right now.
They have a life.

Oh, yeah? Well, good luck making
rent by tomorrow night.

Well, good luck trying
to steal my customers

with your best-o burger.

They'll never...
Oh, my God!

- Bob!
- Unbelievable.

We just came to watch the ball game.
I had the urge to sing some journey!

Come on, Linda, we're leaving!

Go, go. Go, go, go, go.

Hmm! You're not going to
get our lease, Jimmy!

He's going to get our lease.

No, Bobby!
Forget about Jimmy Pesto.

All we need is one really
good day of business,

and then we can pay our rent
and keep the place, huh?

Huh...?
I guess you're right.

If we could pack
the house tomorrow...

Sure! A packed house.

We can do that. Let's have a
family brainstorm, right now.

- Gene, come on!
- Uh, live entertainment

featuring a mix of techno...
Yeah, yeah?

And dad's favourite... The triangle!

♪ Ding-ding-ding ding-ding ding
ding-ding-ding. ♪ Oh, yeah.

- No.
- Tina, go!

- Slow dancing!
- Grind, grind... No.

Grind... Tina, stop.
What are you do... stop that.

Louise, what do you got?

When I was young and naive,
I would have said "arson,"

but I'm gonna go with "voodoo."

Hmm. I like arson.

No. Seriously, dad...
voodoo.

I have a book.
No, I have a book! No.

I'll go get it.
I got it.

Make some flyers...

For half-off, and good
for tomorrow night only.

You know, that might
bring some people in.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, I found it.

Forget voodoo.
We're doing flyers.

What? Who's candy-ass
idea was that?

I'm out of the room
for five seconds!

Ah, we're on a roll.

Let's brainstorm something else.

Uh... Christmas card...

No, no, no, we're done
brainstorming... we got it.

Oh. How 'bout we shave our heads
for the Christmas card?

- Spell our names wrong.
- Shave our legs.

Totally soft, silky family.

I like it.

- I have a book!
- Nobody forget what they just said.

I'm... I'm gonna go
get some paper.

Mmm.

Eh, it's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

It's not good! It's not good!

Goin' in the garbage!

If I can get a lock
of Jimmy Pesto's hair,

I'm pretty sure
I can control his mind.

- Really?
- I don't know. I'm just skimming.

All I know is it works
on fools and imbeciles.

Oh, me, me.

Can you help me dance Jimmy Jr.

Back into remembering
we're going out?

Yes, I can.

I just need a lock of your hair.
Okay.

Can you help me get a gig
in the music business?

Hair.
So long, old friend.

Wait, can't we talk about this?!

So if you stick the penny
into the potato,

you've just made a battery
out of a potato.

I've just made a voodoo doll
out of a potato.

Oh!

Who is it?
My sister Tina.

She wants me to make your
brother slow-dance with her

and remember that
they're going out.

Can you get a lock
of your brother's hair?

Yup.
Agh!

And you said I was crazy
for carrying this around.

Now who's laughing?
Me!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Hi, kids. How was school?
- Good.

Mom, Andy and Ollie
are helping me

with a school project.

I'm gonna need 15 potatoes,

a lock of hair from you and dad.

Also rum and cigars,
if you have any.

- Wait. What's this for?
- English.

You two have homework?

- A little.
- Not doing it.

Good 'cause you're going down

to the pier to hand out flyers.

We're back.

Did you pass 'em all out?

Yup. We saved
the family.

Jimmy Pesto even took one.

So did Jimmy one wing.

He's a seagull I met.

What the hell?

"Tonight only,
our competitor's flyers

"good for half-off your burger,

plus a free t-shirt"?

Oh, my God.

Aw, Mort's bringing
his mother to dinner.

No. No. No!

Those are my customers!

This is a war now.
This is a war.

Listen, it's the theme
from braveheart!

Ding-ding-ding-ding,
ding, ding...

No!
Wait, wait.

Di...

Dad, what are you doing?

Mmm-mm. Mmm-mm.

Shh! Gene, Tina,
this may be

our last chance to save
the restaurant.

Your father needs full
concentration right now.

He's attempting to make

the most difficult
burger known to man.

I've only seen him do it
once successfully.

And now he has to do it in
a mini sampler size.

What is it?

He calls it "the meatsiah."

It's beef tartare inside
a burger medium-well

inside a burger Wellington.

Is dad gonna die?

Maybe, honey, maybe.

Oh, he has to be happy
with that one.

So how is this gonna save
the restaurant?

Am I gonna put on
the burger suit

and hand these out in front?

Oh, no. We're going straight
to the source with these.

You're gonna be handing
these out

in Jimmy Pesto's restaurant.

Whoa.

That's right, whoa.

These samples are gonna get us

our rent money tonight,
so we can keep this place.

How are free samples
gonna get us money?

They'll try the samples,

and they'll love 'em,
but they'll want more. More!

They'll be craving these
burgers,

itching to get their fix!

Like heroin.

- That's right son, like heroin!
- Yes!

But this family's gonna have
to execute perfectly

to pull this off...
where's Louise?

This
one shall have his first gig.

This one shall slow dance
upon that one.

And Mr. Jimmy Pesto's fate
is yet undetermined,

because I still need
to get some of his hair.

I'm gonna go get it right now.
Wanna come?

- We want to stay here.
- Forever.

We wanna stay here
forever and ever.

- We want to be buried here!
- Buried here!

Okay, I'll bury you
when I get back.

You're taking hair donations?

That's right.

Hm, for people
with moustache cancer?

Yeah, it's a serious disease.

Hey, aren't you Bob's kid?

No! No, no.

Dad, Frank and Zelda
both got the scampi,

and now they're in
the bathroom puking.

Oh, for God's sake.

Where am I gonna get another
piano player at this hour?

We could put on some boyz ii men
and I could slow dance.

Hey, pepper, no!

For the thousandth time, no!

It's my passion, dad!
Passion!

I know a guy.

Hello, Bob's burgers.

You tell dad where
you were going?

Mm, he's working on
his burger bites.

Hey, there's a drum set.
Back me up!

Sorry, it'll just be
another minute.

We're really backed up in there.

Gene got his wish!
The voodoo is working!

How you doin'? Nice shirt.

Oh, my God!
Gene's first

public performance!

These are almost done.
Is everybody ready?

Aw! And my Tina's dancin'.

My little clam's coming
out of her shell!

I'm just gonna slip out
for one sec!

Okay, here we go.

Time to go win back
the restaurant!

Linda? Kids?

Oh, my God.

Gene was supposed
to wear the costume.

Well, you know what?
I'll do this myself.

This next number's a slow jam.

It's called "three sides don't
make a square."

Ding, ding, ding...

Yup. Thank you.

What happened, did you snap?

Did Mr. fancy face take
a trip to the sexy store?

No.
It's a little small on you.

A little tight in
the pickles, huh?

What's on the tray?

These are burger bites, Jimmy.

The best in the world.

I'm gonna show your customers
what real food is.

Here, try a real burger, sir.

Hey.
Yeah, well...

Eh-eh.

I'm gonna go this way then.

Nah-nah-nah. Yeah.
Well, then I'm... Whoa!

Dah-dah.
Don't poke me. Aah!

Real burgers.
Right across the street.

- Hey, hey.
- Just move.

Eh, just move.

- Shut... what?
- I didn't do it.

Yeah, I did it.

- Oh, no.
- Is that dad?

And you people!

Traitors!
Traitor family!

It's Gene's first
public performance!

You could had me
at the ground floor, dad.

Now I play the big rooms.

You got to let the kids have
a little fun.

We have fun, Linda! We have lots of fun!
What's he wearin'?

My buns. With a few extra
buns hanging out the back.

Oh!

Hey, dad, I'm playing drums!

Oh, I'm so happy
you're playing drums, Louise!

And you know what?
You should keep

your freaky kids locked up

in your own place.

What did you say about my kids?

Hit him in his handsome groin!

Wait. Watch it.

You... I'm gonna.

- Ow!
- Hey.

Wait. Wait.

Get him, dad.

Come on!
Come on!

Don't worry, dad!

Anything? Anything?

I got the samples, Bobby.

Aw, crap.

That looks silly.

Come for the rent?

- Yes, I've come for the rent.
- Bob!

No, no, let 'em fight.

Looks like a betting crowd.

Who wants three-to-one
against the burger?

Right here!

Yeah, let me see.
Let me see.

Wanna, here... oh!

Very nice, thank you.

All right, it's a draw.

Who had "they end up
hugging each other"?

Me.
That's ten to you.

Thank you.

Now Bob, Jimmy,
let's all go over

to Jimmy's new gift shop...
I mean... sorry...

Bob's place... and
settle this over

some nice alcohol, hmm?

Bob...

Do you have the rent?

No.
Not all of it.

Okay then.
Here we go.

- Oh, God.
- Give me your hands.

Uh... sure.

Do you cry easily?

Um... sometimes.

Well, let's get it over with.

Bob, I will not be renewing...

Oh, what is that amazing smell?

- Who's hungry?!
- What are those?

Only the holy grail

of hamburgers...
the meatsiah!

Hmm...
Are these... choke-resistant?

They're bite-sized!

Oh, good.

Mmm... mmm!
Mmmmm!

Huh?

I have never...

Eaten a burger...

Half...

- Hit him in the crotch!
- Oh, no, no.

I'm just kidding.

As good as this.
This is great!

Yeah!
Oh, it's, it's complicated

it's-it's mystical,
it's-it's barbaric...

- Thank you.
- Mmm.

Mr. Fischoeder,
I wanted to...

- I'm talking, Jimmy.
- I want to...

I'm talking.

Bob, you might be the worst
tenant I've ever had,

and I rent space to
a raccoon sanctuary.

I know.
They're next-door.

I've been meaning
to talk to you about...

- Shh. It's okay.
- Right.

I get it now. You were trying
to tell me the other day,

but I wouldn't listen because
I was choking to death.

Mr. Fischoeder,
I just have...

Jimmy, please!
Please!

I was thinking about my life,
you see,

and how I didn't want it to end

in your pathetic little
restaurant

on your sad, filthy floor.

Hey!

But now I see it.

You're not a businessman.

You don't care about
customers and money!

Ha! No, I do.
I do.

No, no, you are an artist...
a beef artist.

A be-fartist!
A poet!

Who writes with meat
and buns and pickles.

Like a greasy,
heterosexual Walt Whitman.

Uh... thank you.

Okay. Well, Mr.
Fischoeder, I...

- Jimmy!
- No, it's fair...

- Jimmy!
- To talk.

Please.

Which brings me to your lea...

Just 'cause I'm not greasy...

Shut up!

Which brings me to your lease.

Let's extend it!

All right, Bobby!

But I got to make it
month-to-month.

- Eh.
- Oh...

Um... all right.

- We'll take it.
- And I have

to raise your rent a little.

Hmm.
Okay. That's... yes.

Eh.

Daddy!

Andy, Ollie, what
are you doing here?

Voodoo!
What?

Voodoo!

Yeah, and we switched
underpants!

Ollie, that was a secret!

I couldn't hold it in anymore!

Wait. These are your kids?

And you thought
my kids were freaky?

Come on, boys, we're leaving.

No!
We wanna stay!

Yeah, it's fun here!

Yeah, Jimmy.
It's fun here.

Ehh...
Shush.

All right!
Let's celebrate!

Yes!

Gene? Ah, do us the honour.
A little music?

You believe in me.

Time to tickle the iron.

A ding, a dong,
a ding-dong-ding.

Slow jam.

Come on, Jimmy Jr.,
let's get back to work.

No, dad!

I'm gonna dance with Tracy!

Tina.
Tina!

Yup, voodoo works.

I'm a God!

Am I doing this right?
Mort, do I look sexy?

My pants aren't falling down,
are they, Mort?

When I dance,
sometimes my pants fall down.