Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Human Flesh - full transcript

Listen, pep talk.

Big day today.
It's our grand re-re-re-opening.

It's labour day weekend,

And it looks like wonder wharf is
getting mobbed. So we have to...

Big day for another reason, too!

Linda, I'm in the middle
of my pep talk.

Go ahead, sorry.
Go ahead, do your pep.

So we have to sell some burgers.

[FART NOISE]
every year, this weekend

Makes or breaks us.
Who's farting?

It's gene's sound effects thing.



I thought that made you
sound like a robot.

It does robot voice,
laser sound,

And fart noise.

[FART NOISE]

Oh, god. Listen,
your mother and I

Have to go downstairs
and grind the meat.

But you kids know where you're
supposed to be while we're gone, right?

Tina, you're on the grill.

My crotch is itchy.
ALL: Oh!

OK. Are you telling me
as my daughter,

Or as my grill cook?
Um, as...

Because my grill cook
would never tell me that.

Oh.
Also, my daughter

Should probably not
say anything like that to me.



Tell her. Tell your mom.
My crotch is itchy.

Come here, let me see.
Linda. Not now.

No, let's all see it.
No.

I'm just not sure if I'll
be any good on the grill

With just one free hand.

OK, I'm just going
to keep moving here.

Louise, you're working
the counter.

I put your little
step stool back here.

But do not alter anything
on the chalkboard.

Well, what if I think
of something better?

Which would be almost
impossible not to do.

You will not think
of something better,

Because "new bacon-ings"
is perfect. It's hilarious.

Right? You know what,
I'm taking the chalk.

Like I don't have chalk.

Gene, you're outside,
nicely offering people

A free sample, all right?
I'm on it!

But people coming out
of the crematorium next door;

People obviously in mourning...
Yeah?

Don't offer them samples.

Dad, when I'm in
character out there,

I get in a zone!

I can't keep track of who's
in mourning and who isn't.

Just anyone with an urn...
Yeah?

Leave 'em alone!

I know you think
it's the gene show out there,

But there's a line between
entertaining and annoying.

No! That's a myth.

[LASER SOUNDS]

[FART SOUNDS]

All right, listen.
You're my children and I love you.

But you're all terrible
at what you do here,

And I feel like
I should tell you,

I'd fire all of you if I could.
Bob!

All right, hands in.

Don't... Tina,
don't put your hand in.

TINA: What...
All right. Sell some burgers!

ALL, SOFTLY:
Sell some burgers.

[CRYING]

Bob's burgers!

[ROBOT VOICE] free sample!
[LASER NOISE]

Come and get it.
[FART NOISE]

[FART NOISE]
aahh!

I don't like leaving the kids
alone up there for this long.

Something bad's gonna happen.

Bob, they're fine.
Please, I asked you a question.

Yes, what was the question?

Do you remember
our wedding night?

Yes. We worked 'cause we couldn't
afford not to. I remember.

You know you're grinding too fast.
Slow down.

What was the date?
The date?

Yes, the date of our wedding!

I don't know.

Oh, crap. Is it today? Yes, bob!

Today's our anniversary.
Yes, it is!

I'm sorry.
Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm not good with dates,
you know that.

Today's your birthday? Yes, bob!

Today's my birthday?
Yes, bob!

Your due date was today?
Yes, bob!

How'd it go?

How do you think it...
Good. It went very well.

That's good.

Boy or girl?

Where you going?
I'm done!

I said I'm sorry.

Bob, I'm done!

Linda, come back.
We need to finish grinding the hamburger.

MAN: Oh, my god, gross.

Thank you.

[ROBOT VOICE]
free samples.

Hey, you can't give out
those samples.

You just dropped them
on the ground.

Shh! What are you,
the dropping food on the ground police?

Yes.
Oh. They have that?

Yes. I'm the health inspector.
The what?

[ROBOT VOICE]
health inspector. Off.

What?
Health inspector!

The burger joint's
natural enemy.

Hello. Welcome
to bob's burgers.

The burger of the day
is the child molester.

It comes with candy.
Get it?

Yes.
No.

'Cause sometimes they use candy

To lure their victims...

Yes, we get it.
Ohh.

Is this your parents' place?

Yes, they're down
in the basement

Grinding the meat right now.
Uh-huh.

That's not a euphemism.

They're really grinding
the meat.

Show us the kitchen, please.

I'm just saying,
it's easy to remember our anniversary.

It's September third. 9/3.

9 is divisible by 3.

What? That's not...

A lot of numbers
are divisible by 3.

Don't argue with me.

All right, you're right,
9 is divisible by 3,

And now I'll remember.

[GASPS] oh, my god.

Are you messing with me?

What? What are you... no.
You are.

I... you are!

Lin, I forgot.
I am sorry.

I said I'm sorry.
And I'm going to make it up to you.

I can see you smiling.

I'm not smiling!

You're smiling with your eyes.

What is it?
What are you doing?

A party?!
Why are you doing this?

Is it a party upstairs?!

No, Linda,
can you please just finish this?

I got to get back up there.

Oh! To get everything
ready for the party?

No! To get everything
ready for lunch,

In our restaurant,
the one we're trying to save, remember?

Go ahead. Go.

Call me to come up
when it's all ready.

I'll act surprised, like this...

[GASPS] ahh!

That's... ohh!

I almost had a heart attack!

That's scared,
that's not surprised.

Ahhh!

That's like you hurt yourself.

Ahhh-ahhh!
That's good.

Smell this. Doesn't it
smell like strawberries?

[SNIFFS] ugh!

Gotcha.
It's spoiled milk, dummy.

So you're the health inspector?
Yes.

'Cause I think I have some
kind of rash or something.

I'm not that kind
of health inspector.

Rashy grill cook.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

You have no idea

What I've just been through.

Do I have any toilet
paper stuck to my buns?

[FART NOISE]

Where are the grown-ups?!

[DOOR OPENS]
aha! You must be bob.

Uh, who are you?

We're from the health
inspectors office.

I'm Hugo, this is
my partner Ron.

I don't have a badge
yet. I just started.

[FART NOISE]
give me that.

Come on!

Bob, this is
my violations notebook.

I just filled it.

It took 5 minutes
in your kitchen.

Uh, that sounds bad.
It's a record.

[KIDS CHEERING]
shut up.

Not to mention child
labour law violations,

Public decency violations...

Public decency?
What... what are you talking about?

The child molester?
I thought this was a family restaurant.

Uh, what's the child molester?

It's the burger of the day.
No, it's not.

For a limited time only.

Till you came back upstairs.

Did someone actually order this?
Yeah.

Who?
Him.

Huh. He looks like
a child molester.

Louise, don't serve him.
Let gene bring it.

Uh, bob...

Why do I have to get molested?

Because he's not going
to molest you. Why?

Because you're heavy.

Bob... yeah, hold on.

Heavy kids can get molested!

Yeah, who wouldn't want
to molest this face?

That's enough.
It's not that. Bob...

I mean, gene,
'cause you're older.

Tina's the oldest.
Make her do it.

Yeah, but Tina's not good
with the customers. Bob...

I'm good with the customers.

No. No.
Mmm, not really.

I'm great with the customers.

Mmm.
Mm-mmm.

She's autistic,
she can't help it.

Yeah, I'm autistic.

Bob... just a sec.

No, you're not autistic, Tina.

How many toothpicks
on the ground?

Don't play this game again.
Come on. How many toothpicks?

No. It just involves me
cleaning up toothpicks.

A hundred?
Bob!

No.
A hundred?

It's three!
There's three!

OK, OK, how many now? Bob!

Three.
BOTH: No!

Ugh, you're the worst
kind of autistic.

You can't even count. Bob!

You want to know why we're here?

Because I'll tell you,
it's not for a routine inspection.

It's not?
No.

We're investigating
a very disturbing rumour.

There's a rumour
you make your burgers

With human remains from
the crematorium next door!

Hmm. I wonder how a rumour
like that gets started.

It's made with human remains

From the crematorium next door.

[ALL GASPING]

Who knows? Kids
say crazy stuff.

Here's what's gonna happen.

We'll test your meat.

If it contains human flesh

Anything above the 4%
allowable by the FDA,

Then your restaurant
will be closed,

And you, sir,
will be going to jail.

Oh, a party for me!

Oh. Hugo?
Linda?

What are you doing here?

I'm the health inspector.
I just transferred here.

[GASPS]
what are you doing here?

This is our restaurant.
We own it.

You're married to him?

How do you two know each other?

I thought you ran off with bob,

The hot shot restaurateur.

I did.

Oh, god.
You did?

I'm on it.

Yeah, I don't think so!

I can't believe...

I can't...

I...

I can't believe
you left me for him!

You left someone for me?

Ugh! He doesn't
even know?

We were... we were
briefly engaged.

[ALL GASPING]

I still remember the day I
heard you were getting married.

Oh, my god.

Is today your anniversary?

Yes! How do you remember that?

It's 9-3.

9 is divisible by 3.

That doesn't make sense!

A lot of numbers
are divisible by 3.

Well, happy anniversary.

Human flesh?!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is one of our
biggest weekends.

You can't put that up.
Nobody will eat here.

Prominently displayed.

Well, then just do your
tests, pal, because it's beef.

Sorry! The lab's
closed till Monday.

You'll get your
test results then.

Consider yourself
health inspectored!

[SCREAMING]

I... I'd try it.

There's no wait.

Hello, how are you?
Come in and have a burger.

A perfectly normal burger.

Best burger in town.

[SCREAMING]

Did your father say anything

About an anniversary present?
KIDS: No.

Nothing? Like maybe
hiding a necklace

In a hamburger,

Or hiding some earrings
down the drain,

Or something romantic like that?

That's romantic?

Yeah!
Yeah.

Did you check the toilet
or in the garbage?

Ahh.
Gene, get off.

You're choking me.
Whee!

You're choking me!
[SCREAMING]

So is Hugo going
to put dad in jail

Because you dumped him?

No. Hugo is going
to put your father in jail

Because your sister

Told her class
that we serve human flesh.

Now why would you do
something like that, honey?

Why? I'll tell you why, mom!

Anita Vasquez's uncle
is a matador in Spain.

She was showing
everybody his cape.

I had to up the ante,

And what do I have to
show for show and tell?

I got nothing, mom!
Calm down.

There's nothing here to show!
Louise...

What?!
Tina, stop.

[SCREAMING]

Mom, you can get Hugo
to take down the sign.

How am I supposed to do that?

He's madly in love with you.

Work it, woman.
Yeah.

[GROANS]

[HUGO CRYING]

["NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP"
PLAYING ON CELL PHONE]

Hello?

Linda?!

BOB: It's our
big weekend.

I mean, this grill should be
covered with burgers right now.

Who's that for?

Mort. He called in his order.
He doesn't want to be seen here,

So I'm sending gene over
to the crematorium with it.

[BELL RINGS]
right.

So Hugo is coming over.

To talk. To me.
What?

Don't be mad.
I think I can talk him out of it,

All of this.

And when you say "talk him out
of it," what does that mean?

Is Hugo going to be our new dad?

Oh, please.
Just checking.

Maybe I should help you
set the mood.

Put out some candles.

Ooh, candles!

Ugh, unbelievable.

Bob's burgers delivery service!

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Quick!

Why'd you ever get engaged
to that guy, anyway?

Ahh, I was young.
And my parents liked him

Because he always
did the dishes.

Yeah, I bet.

Ha! Also, he...

He used to...

What?

He, uh, he happened to
be an excellent kisser.

What... an excellent kisser?

Yeah. He was
very soft,

And he didn't have
a lot of moisture.

Like some people.
Like some people?

You think I'm a bad kisser?

No...

Oh, yeah, well, how about this?

Oh... oh.

Are you sweating?

Uh, no.

Is that my saliva?

Don't be mad!

Oh, no, I'm not.
Not at all! Bob!

I better go, all right?

I'd hate to get
any saliva on you

And Mr. Perfect
moisture mouth!

I happen to produce
a lot of saliva, Linda!

So! You're the health
inspector, huh?

How did that happ...
I want to read you this poem.

En.

"Inspector of health,

Inspector of pain."
um...

"I came in search
of human remains,

"and I found a piece
of human flesh

I thought I'd never
see again... my heart."

Mm-hmm. Very nice!

Uh, Hugo, you know bob's
not a cannibal, right?

I don't know that.
Don't do this.

I'm sorry I hurt you...

Linda! I can save you
from all this!

Wow. A candy coffin.

Customised caskets and
urns, that's our speciality.

That's Mr. Caffrey

Of the Caffrey toffee company.

It's on the lift
'cause they're coming

To pick 'em up this afternoon.

I need more condiments.

Don't touch anything and
don't press any buttons.

Oh, my god! It's bob anniversary
present, he remembered!

Aww.

This is so exciting.

It's a dead body!

Maybe the present's underneath.

You're on a sinking ship, lady.

And you better get off
before the ship sinks!

Hello, the media?

[ALL SHOUTING]

[CLAPPING]

Good job, everybody.

An angry mob,

That's just what we wanted
outside our restaurant.

They're over there,
in their little van,

Inspecting themselves.

[INDISTINCT]

Do you think I should change
where I part my hair?

Uh, let me see.
Uh, yes?

Can you open the
window a little more?

I'm not going to assault you.

Don't touch me!
Sorry.

That just came over me.

Listen, I came out to ask
you to talk to this crowd.

I mean, you made
an angry mob here.

Huh. Hey, what's all this stuff?

You got a whole
chemistry lab back there.

Can't you do the test here,

Instead of ruining my weekend?

Don't tell me how to do my job.

I don't tell you
how to grow your corpses.

Come here.

Aah! No! Let go of me!

Good luck with
the angry mob, bob!

Uh, how close am I to that car?

You want me to help you
get out of your spot?

Yeah! I can't see his bumper?
Am I close?

No, you got room.

Keep coming.
Keep coming. Stop.

How am I doing in front?
It's tight.

Keep comin'.

All right, cut the wheel.

Cut the wheel!
I am, I am, I'm cutting it.

You got to cut hard
right when you...

Just get out, I'll do it.

Oh, my god.

Bob's confronting the crowd.
I'm going out there.

You kids stay inside.

Hey, people!

This is crazy.

We're being smeared by an
unstable health inspector

For personal reasons.

We know you people,
and you know us.

You, you're the shoe repair guy.

Nope. Locksmith.

I mean the locksmith,
the locksmith.

I had keys made by you.
So?

That was... Great, right?

Hmm. Fair.

ALL: Boo!

No, no, no booing.

No booing Mort.
You know him, too.

He's one of us.

This guy has been here forever.

Ever since I got run out
of bog harbour.

What? Why'd you get
run out of bog harbour?

For selling human flesh
to the restaurants.

[ALL GASPING]
ha ha, I'm kidding, people!

Come on.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Hey, the subject of death
makes us all uncomfortable,

Except Mort.

But what about
how we treat the living?

'Cause sometimes we end up
treating those bodies

Better than we treat
these bodies.

We break each other's hearts.

We forget important dates.

We write hurtful things
on poster board.

We mistreat the living
and no one seems to care.

But once that body's dead,

It's, "hey, don't mistreat
the dead body!"

"Hey, don't eat the dead body!"

That's the ultimate
crime, right?

Murder, no big deal.

Cannibal? Whoa!

Is he defending cannibalism?

No, I'm just saying... cannibal!

See, that's a new jersey...
Damn cannibal!

Folks, please, I'm trying... no.

Cannibals!
That's not what I mean!

He's gonna eat us!

[DISTORTED YELLING]

Oh, thank god it didn't break.

Dad, dad!

Forget it.
Never mind.

Nada. No longer
relevant.

He's right, isn't he?
We can test this meat right here

In the mobile lab, can't we?

We liquefy it, add the enzyme.

If it's yella, salmonella,

If it's chartreuse,
it's a deuce,

And if it's blue,
it's your aunt sue.

I know, Ron!
I know the rhyme!

Don't you think
I know the rhyme?!

It doesn't matter.
Don't you see, he's guilty.

If it's not human flesh,
it's something else.

It's dirty hand towels.
It's... it's something else!

Stealing your woman?

Nuhh!
Ugh.

Shut up, shut up,
shut up! [SOBBING]

Oh, OK, that's it, that's it.

Let it out. Let it out.

[BOB SIGHS]

You're a failure.

You failed.
You fail at everything.

You fail at marriage.

You fail at family.
Your kids are failures.

And you're fat.
You're not attractive.

You never were.

Well, you were a little bit,
when you were a teenager.

But then you got fat.

What is he saying out there?

He's talking to
the restaurant, mom.

Bobby, stop talking to the
restaurant and come inside.

Leave me alone!

Bob, come inside.

Come on.
Bob, come on.

Bobby.
What's the use?!

Dad? This is Louise,
your daughter.

Yes, Louise. What?

I'm sorry that I told everyone

That we make burgers
from human remains.

[SIGHS] OK, Louise.
Thank you.

Dad, it's gene.

Yes, gene, go ahead.

Dad?
Yes!

I think we have a bad connection.
I'll call you back.

Oh, my god.
I want to talk to him, too.

I can hear you.
It's just glass.

Oh. [SNIFFS] now my
rash smells like bacon.

And it doesn't itch anymore.

I think we're going to be OK.

OK, Tina, thank you.

LOUISE: Dad,
is the restaurant going to close?

[SIGHS] I don't know, Louise.

We're almost broke.

The whole town
thinks we're cannibals,

And I forgot our anniversary.

You'd have been better off
with Hugo, Linda.

Bob, please.
No, it's true.

I can't even satisfy
you with my kisses.

Sorry, kids.
No problem.

Thanks for the info.

Oh, bobby!

Now you listen to me.

I would rather be married

To a suspected cannibal
with a dream like you

Than a soft-lipped guy

Who never had a dream
in the first place.

You would?
No question.

You're a hero to
your kids and to me.

Now come inside.
Come inside

And make us some food.
We're hungry.

I'm in.

I'm comin' in.

[KIDS CHUCKLING]

Open the door.
Ha ha. Open the door.

Seriously, open the door!

Kids, let your father
in the restaurant, please.

Let me in!

Still serving human flesh.
No.

Yes!
No!

We have kind of
an adventurous eaters club.

We like to try new things.

Can you seat 25 people?

Oh, uh... Well,
we might have

Some more human meat,
but it's, uh,

$50 a burger.
That's a deal.

Really... what? Really? Great.

[CHUCKLES] let's do it.

Hello. Welcome.

Human flesh right this way.

Uh, hi.

Uh, Hugo wanted
to give you this.

It states clearly that there
was no human flesh in...

Shh! Shh. Yes, yes.
Thank you. Thanks.

We were able
to expedite the tests,

And we found 100% grade a beef...
Shh, shh!

Ron!
I'm just sorry...

Shut up! Shut up.
OK.

Hi. Welcome.

Linda, I can't believe how
much money we just made.

This turned into
a great weekend.

Oh, bob, it's gorgeous.

Hmm. We seem to have stopped.

Ahh.

Bobby!

You've been practising.

Yeah. I went online,
got some tips.

They have kissing tips online?

I learned a few moves.
Check this one out.

This one is
your anniversary gift.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Oh, bobby!

Go, bob!

Ugh, unbelievable.

Aww, sick!

Mom's really handsy.

You're a couple of sluts!

I think it's nice.

Hey! Get this thing movin'!

I'm getting scarred
for life up here!