Bob & Rose (2001–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

- Same again, please, mate.
- Oi! I was here before you!

Sorry, can you mind out the way,
please? Thank you.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Now, now, tiger!

Mmmwah! See you tomorrow.

Come on!

- Nice.
- I like it, yeah.

- Do you want to...?
- Yeah.

Or we could...



Don't mind.

What was it again?

Bob. And it's Stefan.

- You remembered.
- I'm good, me.

Hello, then... Bob.

You look knackered, love.
No offence.


We been on since midday.
Straight home after this.

Get in, nice drop of whisky, bit
of telly, unwind. Do the old feet.

I got this DVD, The Art Of
Reflexology. You ever had that?


There's 26 bones
in the human foot.

Press the right combination and
I can bring a woman to climax

just by touching her feet.

Fingers of steel, me.
Like little pistons.

Erm, where are we going?


It's straight on to Withington.

Of course, the metatarsals
are the hot spot for the ladies.

There's all these soft little
gaps between the bones.

You work your way along, one,
'two, three. Nice and slow, mind.

I could bring you off in five
minutes. Do you want to try it?

- No, thanks.
- Go on, live a bit!

I've got to get home.
My boyfriend's waiting for me.

- Come back to mine.
- No, thanks.

He won't know.

I said no.

We're on the way now.
It's this direction.

- Could you stop the car, please?
- What for?

- Please, could you stop the car?
- Don't be daft.

- I said stop the car!
- What are you playing at?

Stop the bloody car!

Hey, that's ten quid, love.

Is it bollocks! It's £3.50,
and you're not having that.

That's ten quid
whether you like it or not.

Get back in the car.

Get back in the car
and drive and go.

Miserable bitch.

What do you like doing?

Anything... Anything ordinary, you know.
Unless you've got a particular thing.

No, I like ordinary.

- ...I'll take them off.
- OK.


- What's that?
- What?

- What's that for?
- It's nothing.

- "Monkey"?
- It's a work thing. Leave it.

What's it doing here?

I was reading stuff in bed.
It must have fallen out.

Funny sort of work. Monkey!

It's this thing. It's like a...
learn-to-read thing.

It's a management
project for work.

"Monkey, kiss, kiss, kiss."

No, that's 'Monkey, X X X.'

That's the production
code for the office.



So why does he call you Monkey?

It's a nickname.

Where is he now?

Glasgow. Working.

So before he went, he left
his little Monkey a surprise,

so when you came to bed
you'd find it and think of him.

- Sweet.
- He's daft like that.

He's daft, yeah.

What are you doing?

Hey, he's not back till Sunday.

All right, then. Pardon me, if I
don't live up to your standards.

I have NOT got standards.

Don't you dare tell
me I've got standards.

Well, look at you!

I don't give a toss
about your boyfriend.

But you told me he died
of a brain haemorrhage

on Christmas Eve!

Worked, though, didn't it?

See you around, Monkey.

Bloody Monkey!

You can have the first one.

I mean if I get the first taxi,
you can have it. I don't mind.

I'll leave you alone. Sorry.


It's OK.

- Do you want one?
- Given up.

Good for you.

Sorry about the...
I didn't mean to scare you.

I don't scare. I've already had one nutter
tonight, so the odds are in your favour.

Shouldn't be long.

Been out?


Me too.

Where have you been?


A few places. Out and about.

- What about you?
- Deansgate.


One of them pubs with a funny
name. Rat and Ferret or something.

The one that does
country and western?

No, that's further down. I was there
last week. It's all whatshername, erm...

LeAnn Rimes.

Ten minutes,
I was straight out the door.

- I quite like country and western.
- Do you?

In secret.

Actually, I quite like it.

- You walked out.
- I know.

But I was with people.

- I wouldn't buy it, though.
- No, I wouldn't buy it.

I'd buy a greatest hits.

I've got a greatest
hits somewhere.

Harper Valley PTA.

- I love that song!
- It's brilliant.

It's cheesy sort of brilliant,

The thing is, it's got a story,
hasn't it? Like Delilah.

They don't do that any more,
they don't have stories.

- Ee, when I were a lad.
- They don't, though.

- They do.
- They don't.

They do.

It's just different nowadays.
The story's in the video.

It's like that Run-DMC versus
Jason Nevins. The song was just...

I don't know what the song is, but
the video... Did you see the video?

Those two gangs.

That's the story.


Can't lose an argument, can you?

I'm an opinionated bastard.

I bet you're a nightmare.


I bet.

Here we are.

Off you go, then.
Nice to meet you.

we could share it, if you like.

- Do you think?
- Well, I'm only going to Withington.

I'm at Whalley Range.
It's a bit of a round trip.

It's better than standing here.
We could go halves.

I suppose so. Hold on.

Typical. You wait all night...

See you, then.

Withington, please.

Hiya. St John's Road,
Whalley Range. Do you know it?

I forgot to say.

- Thanks for the cigarette.
- Pleasure.

- My name's Rose.
- Robert.

Well, Bob, really. Bob Gossage.

Give up the fags!

Who are you?


Nice to meet you, Dean.

It's only me.

It's open.

I met Dean.

Well, I left you a note.
What time did you get in?

It's Trevor's Dean!

Thanks, Mum. I guessed that.

Trevor's wife phones at the last minute.
She's working. She's in London overnight.

And he's got to have Dean.
Not a word of warning.

- Morning.
- Ladies.

Help yourself. There's bread
in the bin. I'll be down now.

Out of the blue, just like that.

'You've got Dean.'
And Trevor had nothing in.

So I said, "Look, you know... we've got
satellite. He can sleep on the couch."

When's the wife an ex-wife?

Any day now. As soon as he gets that
bit of paper, we're having a party.

Trevor said we could go away.

Make a weekend of it.
Maybe go to Scotland.

He gets Dean weekends.
You taking him with you?

Not bloody Dean. No chance.

Here you go!

Last one in the cupboard.
You can have it.

- What's that for?
- I don't know. Elevenses.


See you tonight, then.

Did you talk any more to Andy...
about moving into his?

Why, what have you done?

I was just wondering. I mean,
it's over a year now, you and him.

And it's nice, his flat.
It's lovely.

He said it once in passing two months
ago. We haven't mentioned it since.

All right, then.

- Why?
- No reason.

I'll see you later.

Only Trevor was saying, you
know. He's stuck in that bedsit.

And he said, you know,
he could move in.

And I said, "Well, Rose has got
Andy. So it could work out a treat."

You know,
like it was meant to be.

Anyway, ifs just a thought.
There's no rush.

Only... Trevor will have to renew the lease in
a fortnight, so he'll have to make his mind up.

See you later.

- Mr Gossage, Suzie Motts is pregnant.
- Shut your face!

- She's pregnant. Tell her she's pregnant.
- Shut it!

- Sir, she's hitting me. Tell her!
- You get him, Suzie!


What are you laughing at?

- Shut up, you crawler!
- Be quiet!


Work hard.

I think he is.

He was on the phone yesterday
talking to some woman called Sue.

All right, he's a lesbian.

His mouth's gay.

He's got a very gay mouth.

Ask him.

You've only got today. Jen's back
on Monday and he's finishing supply.

He's looking for
something permanent.

There's a school near
Sheffield looking for maths.

There you are, then. No point.

Well, he hasn't gone yet.

I know. But Sheffield!

I tell you what, why don't you run
him over in the car park and kill him?

That way there's no chance of
a shag and you'll be happy then.

His licence number
was ZP 27 something 6.

Yes, I'm making a complaint.

He picked me up on the street and he's
not licensed to do that. He wants sacking.

Yes, all right, then,

look him up.


I want that finished by closing.

You can have boyfriend
troubles out of working hours.

Well, if you're not in charge,
who is?

Well, I'll speak to him, then.

Cooper. Rose Cooper. You're lucky I'm
not speaking to you from the morgue.


I'll hold.
I'm not going anywhere.

See you, then, Bob.

- It's my last day. I'm off.
- Yeah?

- Fantastic.
- Unless someone else gets sick.

Then I'll be back.
If they'll have me.

Yeah. Fingers crossed.

I mean, not badly sick.
But, yeah, sick would be nice.

It's a good laugh, cos my friend
did teaching practice just outside

and she loved it.

Sheffield. It's nice.
You'll like it.

- Sheffield?
- Apparently.

You lost me.

Yeah... Long story. Never mind.

We should have gone
out for a drink. Pity.

Yeah, we should have. Still...

What about tonight?

- I wouldn't mind a beer.
- Brilliant. Yeah. We could go into town.

Canal Street?

Canal Street means nothing.
It's all straight these days.

- It doesn't mean anything.
- Canal Street where?

- The Slug and Radish.
- Now, that IS straight.

Yeah, but I suggested it.

Beer, though. He said beer.
"Let's go for a beer."

- As opposed to a pink gin.
- No-one says beer.

Go on, Holly. Come with me.

- If it's a disaster, you can have him.
- What if it isn't?

You can... disappear?

So kind. Go on, then.

Hi, this is Bob, but I'm not in.
So leave a message, thanks.

Blimey, that's weird!

Hello again.

That's so bizarre.
Did you get home all right?

Well, obviously... yeah.

That is SO weird.

This is where I live.
I live there. That's my house.

I was just... erm... My friend, she
lives... down there, round that corner.

And I was just...

It's such a coincidence!

Got to get to the shops.

Nice to see you again.

Do you want a cup
of tea or something?

My friend's been off work.
She's got pneumonia.

I didn't think people got pneumonia any more.
I just popped round. Brought a few magazines.

I mean, she's all right now. She's back
at work next week. She's just a bit...

"feeble, that's all."

- This must have cost a bit.
- Not really.

It was a shell. I'm doing it up.
The upstairs is like Dresden.

- So is it just you, then?
- Just me, yeah.

- So, tea or coffee?
- Coffee, thanks. White, no sugar.

- This is such a coincidence!
- Destiny.

Rose, wasn't it?

- Rose Cooper.
- I mean, what are the odds?

Hang on. I'm going out with some
friends later. I'd better check...

You have one new message.

I hate it when people do that.

Hang on. I'll just 1471.

Telephone number
07700900008 called today at...

Don't know it. Hang on. Sorry.


Hi, you've got through to Rose Cooper.
Leave a message after the bleep.

Hello, Rose. This is Bob,

calling you back.


I'm completely mad.

Everything was pissing me off, work and
that. My mother's going a bit mental.

I still live with my mother.
How sad is that?

It's all right.
If you were a man...

A man living with his mother...
That's a serial killer.

It was just meant
to be a stopgap.

I was between flats and
she was... Well, she's a bit...

She's not very good at money and erm... I helped
her out and I've been stuck there ever since.

Anyway, bad day, that's all.

And er...

you were nice to me.

- I'm a nice man.
- And I'm sorry.

No, that's sort of a compliment.

- No boyfriend you can talk to or anything?
- Not really.

- I'm keeping you.
- I'm just meeting my friends.

We're going into town.

Thanks for the coffee and thanks
for not calling the police.

Have you got a cat?

No. Why?

- The cat flap.
- No.

No, that's always been there.
It's nailed up.

Good job, an' all.
I can't stand 'em.

Wouldn't mind a dog, though. I used
to have a dog when I was a kid.

Called him Stan.
God knows why. Stan!

I always thought that if I had a dog, I'd
call it something like The End ls Nigh.

I'd be standing out in the street
calling it in going, "The End ls Nigh!"

- Or Stop Thief.
- Or er... Looks Like Rain.

Looks... Looks Like Rain!

People walking past - there'd be this
woman on her own going, "Looks Like Rain!"

You like that one.

Well, thanks again.

- And erm... sorry.
- No need.

Well, then...

- It's not THAT funny.
- It looks like rain.

I'll see you.


Started without me?

Fed up of waiting.

He's always late.

- Leo, what are you having?
- Pint of Stella, thanks.

Unless you want to...
We could... move on?

We could go somewhere...

Somewhere a bit more...
Go to the Alliance.

- How about that?
- Well, I don't know. We could...

I don't...

- No, it's rubbish, the Alliance.
- No, I like it.

It's just there's...

There's this bloke
behind the bar.

I used to go out with him.

I'm sort of avoiding him.

Don't! I know what it's like.
Ex-boyfriends... tell me about it!

And me!

Nightmare. Stella it is, then.

- I'll give you a hand.
- I hope you brought some cash, Holly.

- Supply teachers - always pleading poverty.
- Oi! Watch it!

He touched my hip.
Right there, on the hip.

That's it. I'm in there.
He wants it.

It's a fact. No man ever touches another
man's hip unless he's gagging for it.

He was sitting and
you were standing.

It never happens.
Not even by mistake.

I'm so in there!

I'm going to shag him.
It's real.

Pint of Stella, gin and tonic,
Bacardi and Coke, thanks.

It's only me!

- I thought you were busy.
- I changed my mind.


...I've lost three pounds. Look.


- Nice surprise.
- I'll be checking that wardrobe for women.

We could have
a quick little jig.

What about it?
I've not eaten yet.

I've been working.

I've got loads to watch. I haven't
caught up with Saturday night yet.

And Jonno gave us that
Cynthia Rothrock video.

It's got that man...

That Chinese one.
You'll like him.


Carry On Screaming.
Let's get a pizza.

Hel-lo! Morning, gents.

Like a nice wash, would you?
Help yourself.

Dan Dan the Lavatory Man!


He gets killed in a minute.



I've never seen you out.
Where do you go?

I don't go out that much.
I go to Babylon on Fridays.

I go there. I've never seen you.

I've never seen YOU.
Could have saved a lot of time.

We could go tonight Do
you want to go clubbing?

Yeah. Sounds good.

One more here, we'll head off.

Don't mind me.

I think I might go home.

I'll phone you tomorrow.

Back in a tick.

I think I'll stay for one more.

So did you fancy him
right from the start?

I saw him in the yard, you know.

Cos he fancied you
the very first day.

He goes on about you nonstop.

He makes me laugh. He was singing this song
the other day and he put your name in it.

He was singing this song,
all about you, all day long.

Is that your sort of thing,
musicals? Show tunes?

- Not really.
- Don't tell Bob.

He loves them.

I said to him.
I said, "You're such a poof!"

Cos he does all that
straight-acting at school.

But it's so funny. He's so
camp at times, I'm in stitches.

I bet.

And he's dying for a boyfriend.

He's sick of going
down the canal.

As soon as he saw you he said,
'Holly, I'm in love.'

I said,
'You don't even know him.'

He said, "I don't care.
I love him."

It's all or nothing with him.

Head over heels!

And here you are.
It's wonderful!

What are you up to, cheeky?

Sort out this lot, you'd have a nice
bit of space. It's like Dresden up here.

We could go out, if you want.

We could try that Mexican.

No. I'm happy staying in.

Now, then, gentlemen,
I know when I'm in the way.

I'll scoot off home.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- Are you getting a taxi?
- Yeah.

I think I might come with you.

I'm sort of done in.
I'm knackered.

We don't have to go clubbing.
We could go back to mine or...

To be honest, I've got this headache
starting. I can feel it. You don't mind?

No, of course not.
Do it again sometime.

Well, it's a small street.
We're bound to see each other.

- Are you coming?
- I've changed my mind. I might go clubbing.

See you, then.
Thanks for the drink.

See you.

I'm going to get so pissed!

He wasn't that nice, anyway.
I was getting bored by the end.

- Bastard.
- You've got ME!

That's Jimbo. I'm having him.
Piece of piss. I've had him before.

- You all right getting home?
- Course I am.

You haven't got a spare T-shin,
have you? Mine's all stiff.

I'll dig one out for you. Have a
shower. There's towels on the side.


Do you want coffee?

I don't know about Jimbo,
but I will.




- Don't answer it, will you?
- I won't.


It's me - Bob.

Looks-Like-Rain Bob.

Right. Er... hello.

If something's gone missing,
it wasn't me-.-

Hold on.

Are you busy?

Some of us work Saturdays.

Well, I just thought... You know I
went out last night with those friends?

I went a bit mad.
So I just fancied a moan.

What, so you want to moan at me?

- You moaned at me.
- Don't you have anyone else to moan at?

Yeah, but they've heard it
all before. They get bored.

- Right. So you phone me up to be boring.
- That's about it, yeah.

Are you bored yet?


you're working, so... Although
there's tonight, I suppose.

Er... what do you... Er...
I'm not working tonight.

- So...
- Do you want to...

We could...

go out for dinner.


- Am I late?
- Suits me, cos that means you're paying.

- It's in the rules.
- Right, you can have a bag of chips. That's it.

- Andrew.
- Trev, my old mate.

We're eating.

I er... found that Exchange & Man with
the caravan. Thought I'd pop it round.

It's probably gone by now,

- but worth a look.
- You're a sweetheart.

How's the car?

It's all sorted now. Cost
me 200 quid. Is she upstairs?

- Is she not with you?
- She said she was going to yours.

She told me she was staying in.

That's right. She was going to yours, then she
was stopping in, and then that friend phoned.

...You know that one from work?
That woman.

Candice. Problem or something.

Hell of a flap,
so she went round.

Well. Tell her to give us a
ring. Get on with your food.

- I'll see myself out.
- I'll tell her.

Cheers, then.

I'll remember that.
You didn't even blink.

I'm just wondering
where I got Candice from.

He's all right, that boy.

If she's going to go
and bugger that up...

I went out with
Steve for two years.

He was in the Stockport garage.

Erm... that ended '98. Ages ago!

How about you?
When were you last...

Must be just over a year ago.

- And what went wrong?
- Same old stuff.

We were completely in love.

- And then we weren't.
- Do you still see her?

We see each other now and then.

- So does that mean you're looking?
- It'll happen.

The next disaster.

- What's your type, then?
- Dunno. Do people have types?

Course they do.

- No, I don't think so.
- He's off again.

It just happens, though. Anyone
can fall in love with anyone.

That's a bit romantic.

Hold on. I think anyone
can fall in love with anyone.

AND I think it almost
never happens.

Cos most people just... miss.

That's still romantic.

There was me
hoping I was a cynic.

- You're not that.
- Looks like I'm interrupting.

I'll just clean t'plates.

Just pretend I'm not here.

- It was lovely. Thanks.
- It was a bit salty.

- But it was nice.
- Do you want the dessert menu now?

Or do you just want to... No!

- Shit! I'm sorry!
- It's all right.

I'm so sorry.

- That's a free meal.
- Your shirt. Look at it.

Give it here and I'll rinse it.
There's red wine in that sauce.

No, it's probably dry-clean
only. It'll be all right.

It's cotton-It?! stain.

If I dab it with white wine, that'll shift
it. If it dries, it'll never come out.

I'd really rather not.

You've got a T-shirt on.

- Two secs. I won't charge you for the white wine.
- It's fine.

- You'll ruin a good shin.
- It works.

I've done it before.

I'm not sitting here
looking at that all night.

Look, I'll love you to bits if you
don't mention this to Frederick.

That's that bloke who
keeps walking past.

He's after my guts.

I'll have it back in no time.
Just don't say anything.

Erm... having dessert?

- I don't know. Are you?
- Er... Don'! Know.

Give it a pause.

Yeah, I think I'm a bit full.

That woman's got
a hell of a laugh.

Look, it's stupid, this thing.

It's only a joke.

I got it for Christmas. I never wear
it. Everything else is in the wash.

But it's not completely a joke,
is it?

No, it's not.

There she goes again.

Do you want to go for a drink?
I fancy a bit more.

- Canal Street's that way.
- Well, come with me. It's a laugh.

Yeah, I know.
I've been there before.

Erm... I feel a bit tired.
I think I'll wander off.

I'm standing here
like I'm stupid.

I feel really, really stupid.
And I'm not.

So I'm going to go.
It was nice to meet you, Bob.

Don't wait for me to apologise,
cos I won't.

No, obviously.
You don't say anything, do you?

You could have said
100 times and you didn't.

I don't have to.
It's not the law.

You didn't say he and you didn't say
she, and that takes a lot of effort.

Yeah, I was careful. You'd be careful
if someone turns up, stalking you.

But that's WHEN you tell
them and get rid of them.

- It's not my fault you fancied me.
- And you knew it!

You KNEW I fancied you
and you let me look stupid.

You didn't say anything.

For Christ's sake.
Harper Valley PTA?

I've got a boyfriend, anyway.

Andy. And he's lovely.

And you phoned me.

All right.

It's not like on telly. You don't stand
up in the Queen Vic and make one speech.

You come out every day. And it's
not like it's everything you are.

No, it IS everything.

You're telling a complete stranger everything
and sometimes you can't be bothered.

You're not... bisexual?

No. Very old-fashioned.

I snogged a girl when I was 14. But
that's because everyone else was.

I mean snogging,
not snogging HER.

I don't know.
She was very popular.

He's nice - Andy. He's...


Have you got lots to
drink at your house?

I mean, LOTS.

Do you want ice?


We're not in touch now.


Erm... Hang on.
They're saying an hour!

You can always stay here.

She'll be wondering where I am.
Let her!

No, thanks. Don't need it.

I'll have to make the bed up.

- It's a bit cold in there.
- It's bloody arctic!

I'll get a taxi.

We could always do
sleepover at Frenchie's.

I'm decent.


- Are we going top to toe?
- There's not much need.

I never understood top to toe. The bits in
the middle are still in the right place.

Which side are you on?

I think I made that clear.

Don't think you've got
permission to fart, either.

I won't fart.

When you first meet a bloke the first
three weeks are the best. No farts.

Is it the same for you?

I suppose so, yeah.

The first fart signals the end.

I mean, you might go out with him for another
two years but that fart says, "It's ending."

So you don't fart, then?

Yeah, I do.

But erm... I plan it.

I take one afternoon off a week
and go and stand in a field.

Hang on...
I haven't taken my pill.

Not that I need it with you.


It just happens.

Yeah. Erm...

I just need to get some water.

I'll erm... get a taxi.
I'll go home.

It doesn't mean anything.
It's just a hard-on.

Ifs just having someone in bed.

You might as well
be a piece of meat.

That's nice. Thanks.

- Well, they just happen sometimes.
- Do they?

- Well, I should know.
- Actually, we know them just as well as you do.

Erm... 11 St John's Road.

Yeah, I know, but erm...

My friend's just
gone into labour

and erm... she's all on her own.

So er... I need a taxi now.

Is there any chance
that you could...?

it's nothing to worry about.

I could feel that, yeah.

There we are, then.

Funny old night.

You got money?

Well, it's been different.


Wake the street up.

Thanks all the same.

Good night.

We could go out for dinner.
Do you want to?

Do YOU want to?


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