Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Genius Who Fell Out of My Womb - full transcript

Mmm. First time I tried egusi,
I could barely stand the spice.

Now look.

That's allergies.

Can I have some
more pepper, please?

Show off.

You may have the pepper

if you answer the
following history question.

Don't tell me.
It's finals week.

Best week of the year.

What kind of kid looks forward

to taking a bunch of tests?



The genius who fell
out of my womb.

Who fought the
Thirty Years' War?

Catholics and Protestants
in Central Europe.

Hold on, I am googling.

Correct. Enjoy the pepper.

You know, I was talking
to a client today,

Southern Michigan man like me.

Go Jackrabbits!

Why is he screaming?

It is something he does

with the other alumni.

I've seen it happen
in grocery stores.

I can't wait for college.

SMU was the best
time of my life.



I should take you for a visit.

It's only a couple hours.

Why would you do that?

Dele is going to Harvard.

Yes. Obviously.

What an odd suggestion.

So he can't even look
at other schools?

No. Why?

What a ridiculous question.

My counsellor did say we should
be touring a variety of schools.

Which is not something
I need to do.

I'm not trying to
steal him from Harvard.

It'd be a fun trip.

We can hit the road,

sing the fight song of
the mighty Jackrabbits.

♪ We gotta hop, hop, hop
for Southern Michigan ♪

♪ The great school where ♪

♪ The Great Lakes begin! ♪

I can see why people
might find that annoying,

but I love it.

Come on, it can be a
reward for acing his final.

I do not give rewards
for something I expect.

Abishola,

sometimes you just have

to let your husband have
a pointless adventure.

Even if it is just
to shut him up.

Okay, let's not
everybody help at once.

Pass me that pepper.

The old man in 402

is annoyingly energetic today.

He got a new pacemaker.

Well, then somebody needs
to dial down the pace.

Ugh.

You okay?

Bob is sending me notable
alumni from his university.

Oh. From speaking with him,

I never got the impression
he went to college.

Along with a local accident
attorney named Fender Ben.

Uh-uh.

"Fender Ben, your
bent fender friend"?

I love him.

Bob insists that
Dele will benefit

from seeing his old
stomping grounds.

Wanting to share
precious memories

with his loved ones.

The nerve.

What next?

Is he going to take
you to the preschool

where he was toilet-trained?

You do realize

those elite universities
don't take everyone, right?

So, you believe Dele is too
stupid to get into Harvard?

No, I'm just saying,

there are a lot of Deles out
there competing to get in.

But my Dele is the best Dele.

It never hurts
to have a backup plan.

Why do you continue
to call him an idiot?

Never mind.

You know what?

You should take him
to Bob's silly campus.

Why would I do that?

Threatening Dele with
a terrible education

will shock him into
working harder.

Oh, come on, now.

The horrors of mediocrity

will scare Dele straight
into the Ivy Leagues.

Thank you, Kemi.

And that is what supporting
a friend looks like.

Are we ready to
begin? Real quick.

I'm gonna be gone for a bit,
'cause for the first time,

I won an argument
in my marriage.

Aw. Oh.

So, she threw you out?

Abishola and I are
gonna take Dele

on a little road trip
to visit my alma mater.

Oh! I would love to return to

The
Universidade NOVA de Lisboa.

I did not know you
studied abroad.

She went to Portugal
for two weeks

and spoke with an
accent for a year.

The mornings.

A cup of caf
with my pastel de nata.

In the evenings, we danced

the fandango alongside
the Rio Tejo.

Are you done?

Prossiga.

While I'm away, I've brought
in some reinforcements.

Mom!

Look who we smuggled
in from Malaysia.

She is kidding. I flew Delta.

Let's all give Wati a
warm MaxDot welcome.

Hey, so good to see you,
Wati.

I am so excited.

Now, when I put "Made in
America" on my products,

I will not be lying.

Welcome, Mr. Zhao.

It is good to have someone

whose expertise will
compliment my own.

Will this affect the
chain of command?

Nope, you're still
at the bottom.

Well, it's always nice

to have diversity
in upper management.

Thank you, Christina.

So he is upper management?

Guys, relax.

Wati has always been
a part of this team.

The company's growing, so
his role's growing, too.

Hey, this is your
first day in America.

I'll show you the town.

Yeah, I want to eat a chili dog

and buy a gun.

I know a place where
you can do both.

Okay. What two countries did
Yugoslavia split into in 2003?

Serbia and Montenegro.

Correct.

In 1989, what did the Bennigan's

near campus turn into?

I do not think he
will get AP credits

for the history of Bob.

The answer is Burger Palace.

Best malt in Southern Michigan.

You just said that about a
diner we passed 20 minutes ago.

That was the best milkshake.

Ah. The kid's a quick study.

Well, here we are.
Welcome to the 'Zoo.

That's what you call Kalamazoo
if you want to sound cool.

Cool.

Oh. There it is.
McConnell Hall.

Freshman year dorm.

Fun fact, built by a guy
who designed prisons.

Do not worry, you're not
going to stay in the dorm.

You will stay with
your second cousin.

She only lives an
hour from Harvard.

Come on.

He's got to get the
full experience.

Meeting kids from all over,

learning to sleep three
feet from a total stranger.

And the stranger's girlfriend.

It's only an hour, you said?

He's gonna fall behind.
What do you mean?

People on campus
are at school 24/7.

You have access to study groups.

It's easier to get to
the professor's office.

It's like living
in a lecture hall.

That's interesting.

You're damn right it is.

If I wasn't in the dorms,

I would've never
made the dean's list.

You made the dean's list?

At Southern Michigan University.

Go Jackrabbits!

And there is
Mr. Wheeler's office,

which you can enter freely,

thanks to the open-door
policy I suggested.

I believe in closed doors.

That is also a good policy.

Hello!

Welcome to our factory,

my new friend.

I have no idea who you are.

Babatunde Olatunji.
MaxDot's senior consultant.

That sounds made up.

Well, Bob created
the position for me.

So it is made up.

No, it is real.

He's a senior and does
a lot of consulting.

I am also Bob's wife's uncle.

Which is not
necessarily relevant.

Of course it is. That
is why I got the job.

Shall we continue your tour?

No, thank you, I
have seen enough.

He seems nice.

And this is the student union,

home to WKMZ radio.

I actually had my own talk show.

It's Bob Wheeler, host
of The Morning 'Zoo.

How we feeling, Jackrabbits?

Let me guess. It
was a sports show.

And current events.

I broke the story about
the campus streaker.

Were you the campus streaker?

No, but I might have been the
guy who convinced him to do it.

Is that whole
building for science?

Yeah, and the one next to it.

Spent a lot of time there.

I thought you majored
in communications.

With a minor in meteorology.

We got a
storm front pushing through.

Bundle up, Jackrabbits.

I was gonna use
the voice one way or another.

I like that girl's hoodie.

Hoodie, huh?

Let's check out
the campus store.

We'll get you some swag.

You know, that car of
yours would look real good

with an SMU bumper sticker.

But then in traffic people
will assume he goes here.

God forbid anybody think he
went to my crappy school.

Exactly.

I am glad you had
a great time here,

but this place is
not right for Dele.

What if Harvard
isn't right for him?

Don't be ridiculous.

Harvard is right for everyone

that is good enough to get in.

That's elitist, you know that?

Yes.

That's not a good thing.

Only for those
who are not elite.

Oh, my God.

Seems to be a
bike-friendly campus.

That's nice.

Dele needs to go
to the best schools

to be successful.

I went here and look at me.

I'm a seven-time Undergarment
Distributor of the Year.

Dele does not have the
same advantages you had.

Hey, I paid my own way

and busted my ass
the whole time.

Look at this bench.

"A gift of the class of 1980."

Very generous.

He needs
to go to a school

that will open doors for him.

This school opened doors for me.

Yes, to your family's company.

And there it is.
Let's just forget it.

Come on, let's go.

Just so you know, the
Unabomber went to Harvard.

- Theta Phi Zeta step.
- Zeta step.

Ah.

Zeta.

Zeta.

Yeah!

Thank you. That was so cool.

Yeah, you can't have him.
He's going to Harvard.

We should look at some of
these student organizations.

Eh, you don't have to humor me.

I think it would
be good for Dele

to see some of the study
clubs he could join.

I could join study
clubs? Awesome!

Man, she did a number on you.

Hey, look at this.

The Pan African
Students Association.

"Open to any and all
students interested in issues

that involve and affect
the African diaspora."

An important club like that

at an academic
cesspool like this?

What are the chances?

They have an engineering club.

Oh, why don't you check it out?

See what they did
wrong to end up here.

I'm gonna take Dele
to the library.

Good idea.

I think it's that way.

College 101, kid.

No matter where you are,
always tell your mom

you were at the library.

That's high school
101, but okay.

Goodwin. Hello, Kofo.

There is a shark among us.

We need to form an alliance.

I have made it very clear

"Every man for himself."

Wati has it out for Uncle Tunde.

I think his job is in trouble.

Oh, no.

What does Tunde do again?

Tale as old as time, you know?

New guard comes in,
starts trimming the fat.

I've seen it
everywhere I've worked.

You've only ever had
one job besides here.

Well, now I've seen
it both places.

Wati is not our enemy.

He is a resource.

A rising tide lifts all boats.

You know, as someone who's
almost drowned in a wave pool,

I am offended by that saying.

What do we do? Is he
going to fire everyone?

Well, not everyone.

Wheeler. Wheeler.

It's not fair that

the people who've worked
so hard for so many years

are the ones on
the chopping block.

I wish we could be
chopped, but again...

Wheeler. Wheeler.

That means the
meeting is starting.

Two whistles means we are done.

I need to get a
whistle. Let's begin.

What do you think?

I'm in greasy heaven.

It's soggier than I remember,

but those memories
are a little hazy,

if you know what I mean. I do.

Well, you shouldn't!

I'm telling you, you're
gonna be a star in college.

I hope so.

I know so.

You're smart, funny.

People are gonna be
lining up to sit with you

at one of these sticky tables.

Were they like this
when you were here?

Again, I don't quite remember.

A lot of change coming.

Yeah.

You know what makes a
hard thing impossible?

Not really wanting to do
it in the first place.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you actually want
to go to Harvard?

Uh, yeah, it's Harvard.

All right, I'm just checking,

'cause it's your decision.

College is where you're
gonna meet lifelong friends

and make incredible memories,

and I want you to be as
happy there as I was here.

Thanks.

I know you'll make the right
choices wherever you go.

Which will be Harvard.

Can I ask you something?

You can always talk to me.

Do you think this ID looks real
enough to get me into bars?

Whoa.

I thought we'd start with
"what are the best flip-flops

to wear in the shower?"

So...

"Antonio."

What's your birthday?

July 6, 2004.

You know that only
makes you 19, right?

I don't plan to use it
until I'm in college.

God bless you,

you even break the
law like a nerd.

No, rookie mistake here.

You made the address
too complicated.

You're never gonna
remember this.

57344 Greenwind, Apartment 304.

Grand Rapids, Michigan, 49502.

This says Lansing.
No, it doesn't.

You're good.

Well, nice knowing
you, Antonio. Hey.

I thought you were cool.

Me, too, bud. Me, too.

Condoms! Condoms!

Take a pamphlet,
get a free condom.

So this school encourages
sexual debauchery.

Safe sexual debauchery.

You are an authority figure.

You should be setting a better
example for your students.

Actually, I'm a freshman.
Is it the glasses?

No, you just look old.

I'm Wendy.

Abishola.

I dropped out years ago
when the kids came along.

Now is my chance to
finally go after my dream.

Hmm.

I recently decided
to become a doctor.

I am going to Johns Hopkins.

Well, ain't you fancy?

Yes. I am.

I can't imagine doing
that at our age.

You are doing it.

Here, where I've got a
scholarship and childcare

to help with my youngest.

At a cutthroat school
like Johns Hopkins,

I'd pretty much be on my own.

Adversity creates pressure,
and pressure makes diamonds.

I don't need my soul crushed,

but if it works for
you, that's great.

It does.

Can you take a pamphlet?

I get an extra point in biochem
if I pawn off the whole stack.

If you want a better grade,
you should study more.

Sure you don't want a condom?

Well, once again I'm leaving

without a degree,
but this was fun.

I really enjoyed the library.

It smells like you
were researching

in the pepperoni section.

It was Bob's idea!

If you want to get
invited to parties,

we got to work on
that, right there.

I am glad you two
enjoyed the day.

What about you?

Did have fun picking
apart my alma mater?

Hmm. It's actually a
lovely institution.

For idiots.

No, really.

So, you could see Dele here?

Of course not.

But I could possibly go
to a place like this.

If Johns Hopkins and all
the Ivy Leagues burned down.

I knew the campus
would win you over.

Was it the quad?
It was the quad.

I had a nice conversation
with a 40-year-old freshman.

And this is why we say:

"Go Jackrabbits!"

I hope this trip made you feel
more prepared for college.

Definitely. If a place
like this seems cool,

imagine what it's like

at a school that's
actually good.

Mm-hmm.

Et tu, Antonio?

Hello, Goodwin.

You will address me as
President Olayiwola.

I will stick with Goodwin.

Just so you know,
I run the meetings,

and I sit at the
end of the table.

And when lunch is brought in,

I get my sandwich first.

I am not here to
step on your toes.

Bob has told me many
wonderful things about you.

I see.

You do not let feelings
cloud your decision-making.

That is true. I have heard

inspiring stories about

how you push the workers
to the brink of exhaustion.

You're too kind.

We Nigerians are not soft
when it comes to business.

That is how it should be.

It is...

All about the work.

I'm sure you agree this
place must be streamlined.

I have told Mr. Wheeler this.

Decisive action must be taken.

It is like you are
reading my mind.

We must cut the dead weight.

I see.

Oh, let me know if
you need anything!

My day is wide open!

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.