Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - I'll Never Play Banjo Again - full transcript

See this, Dele?

That's me and Max
on our honeymoon.

Aw, you used to be very
beautiful, Granny Dottie.

What are you trying to say?

That you have always
been very beautiful.

Good save.

No, it wasn't.

I didn't know you
played football.

Started varsity as a sophomore.

I almost sacked a guy
who almost went on

to play semi-pro
Canadian football.



Cool.

Where is this?

Ah, that's our old
lake house. Aw.

Spent every summer there.

Why are you so red?

You look like a hot dog.

'Cause Granny Dottie sent us
outside without any sunscreen.

Hey, it was the '70s.

There was plenty of
ozone to go around.

That's where my dad
taught me how to fish.

I got my first kiss there.

Was it with the fish?

It was Sarah Palmer.
We both had braces.

Kiss didn't end till
my dad pried us apart



with a Swiss Army knife.

Is that Christina and Douglas?

No, actually, that's
Christina and that's Douglas.

Oh.

You have any old photo albums?

Of course. Well, you
should bust them out.

No, thank you.

Come on, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

Look, here's my naked
phase when I was three.

Aw, you had such a
cute little heinie.

Still does.

I do not want

to look back at
any of my phases.

I'm sure Dele would love to see

some pictures from
your childhood.

I'm sure he would also love
to go to the school dance,

but neither one of those
things are going to happen.

Come on, don't you want to
hear your mom's stories?

Not if she doesn't
want to share them.

And I do not.

But you have
wondered. Of course.

Well, you see that?

The kid wants to know
about you. Enough.

Dele, go to your
room. Yes, Mum.

My fault. Sorry, bud.

I'll see you at dinner.

All right, if there
is nothing else,

meeting adjourned.

Oh, before I forget,
our Walmart rep

gave me two front row tickets
to Celtics-Pistons on Friday.

How exciting.

Douglas, you've been
on that account.

I thought maybe
you'd like to come.

How exciting for Douglas.

Friday? I can't.
I have a date.

Well, you know what? You've
been putting in the hours.

Take your bus driver
lady to a ball game

and, here, have a
couple $20 beers on me.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. What "mm-mm"?
What? What's wrong?

Olivia and I broke up.

She took that bus and
ran right over his heart.

She hurt my baby.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I hope she dies in a fire.

Can we just talk about work?

Well, that's, uh, too bad.

Boy, you get busy
for a few weeks,

you-you miss all the news.

This was three months ago.

But your platitude still stands.

Well, I'm sorry, buddy.

It's not a big deal.

Is the meeting over?

Yeah. I'll see you guys later.

Uh, where did we
land on the tickets?

Knock yourself out.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much
for thinking of me.

I'm so glad you're dating again.

You took that
breakup pretty hard.

You did? He did.

I was told

the meeting was adjourned.

Can I go back to work, please?

Very good. Stay focused. What
did I tell you at dinner?

"Make yourself
into a man worthy of love,

and love will find you."

I wrote that one down
as soon as you said it.

You were there, too?

Oh, yeah, we all went.

This one turns into quite a poet
after a few glasses of wine.

Guilty.

Well, it's good somebody
was there for you.

Oh, honey, I know how you feel.

You spend a couple of months
in St. Barts to decompress,

you come home and,
all of a sudden,

your kid's graduating
high school.

I mean, you can't beat yourself
up, you needed the break.

I wasn't on vacation,
I've been working.

There you go. Bury the guilt.

Are you wearing the
cologne I sent? Remember,

if the judge likes
what he smells,

he will like what he hears.

Her son? The lawyer.

Ooh. Now, run me through
your closing argument.

No, no, no.

First, you cite precedent,

and then you attack the
plaintiff's character.

This is basic stuff.
Do not be stupid.

She loves him so much.

Okay, put the children on.

Hello, my babies.

Granny is coming
to see you soon,

and she's going to get
you in the tickle machine,

and she's going to tickle you

and tickle you

and tickle you.

Night-night, my cuddle bugs.

No, I love you more.

What?

Just wondering where we
could buy a tickle machine.

I've never seen
this side of you.

It is wonderful.

Yes. I used to think I
didn't like children.

Turns out, I just
didn't like my own.

I'm glad you and your
son are talking again.

And I bet those kids are glad
to have their grandma back.

Especially since he told
them I was dead.

What?

We were fighting.
You say things.

Did they have questions
when you came back to life?

They know better than to ask.
It is none of their business.

So the kids have
to say goodnight

to the ghost of Grandma Kemi?

Nigerians don't like

to share their personal
lives with their children.

Mm-hmm. You have to
remain infallible.

Once you show them
you are human,

you have lost all authority.

So how do they learn
from your mistakes?

What mistakes? What mistakes?

Never mind. My father
was just like you,

completely closed off.

For years, all I knew about him

was that he grunted
and hated tartar sauce.

Well, elders choose to pass on
what they think is important.

Hmm. Perhaps condiments and coughing
was all he wanted you to know.

He didn't even tell me
when he was diagnosed

with prostate cancer.

Oh, that's terrible.
Sorry, Gloria.

All I'm saying is, talk
to your children while you can.

Funmbi, when was the last time
you had your prostate checked?

Pass the phone to your wife,
I will tell her what to do.

Thank you, Gloria.

Don't thank me.

I did fall asleep eventually.
The melatonin helped.

Thank you for the
suggestion.

I did not know you were
having trouble sleeping.

Do you also not know
I am on the phone?

Sorry.

I have the same problem.
As soon as I lie down,

it is like a faucet in
the back of my throat.

Mm. That may be
postnasal drip.

We'll get you a humidifier
and prop you up on a pillow.

Excuse me, are you
my friend Abeni,

who is spending a dollar a
minute just to speak to me?

No. Then stop talking.

Sorry.

At least with the lack of sleep,

I have almost finished
this month's book.

I agree it is fantastic.

I never considered

what life would be like as
the wife of a time traveler.

Oh, Kemi read that.
She said that...

Abeni, let us talk another time.

I am being spied on.

I did not know you
were in a book club.

That must be a nice
way to keep in touch

with your friends in Nigeria.

That shirt still
has a stain on it.

I know,

and I've tried everything.

I'm going to have
to throw it out.

Nonsense. Mix lemon juice with
water, add a pinch of salt,

spray the shirt,
leave it in the sun

for an hour. It will
be as good as new.

Thank you, Mummy.

You are so full of

wonderful knowledge.
Who taught you that?

Who cares who taught me.
It will get out the stain.

Of course.

I feel like I am living
with Barbara Walters.

Hey. Hey.

So...

Sup?

Not much.

You know, when I say "sup"
to you, I really mean it.

And I really mean it
when I say "not much."

I am sorry about your breakup.

I'm fine. Good.

Good, good, good.

You know who's not
good? The Tigers.

I can't believe some of
the moves they're making.

It's like they want to lose.
That's what Goodwin said.

You talk baseball with Goodwin?

It's our thing now.
I got him into it.

Thought it was our
thing, but... whatevs.

You're gonna be okay. You're
gonna meet the right one.

I know.

Cool. Cool beans.

Huh?

You know, like, tight.
Everything's tight.

How many of these
do you want done?

Uh, I want to thread
the whole fleet,

do a test run in
full production mode.

Okay, well, I'm almost
done with this one.

I just got to keep this
yarn from splitting.

Whoa! Turn it off!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God. Put pressure on it!

Hold your hand above your head.

Is it dripping?

Okay. Oh, my God.

We got to get you to
the hospital. Come on.

Okay. I'll call Goodwin.

We're not calling Goodwin!

I'm gonna look. You
don't need to do that.

Just breathe,
we're almost there.

Ah, I looked.

I said breathe. Relax.

When you yell at someone
to relax, they don't relax.

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

You don't know
that. Yes, I do.

You remember that
time at the lake house

when me and my friends were
going off the rope swing,

and then you tried
and let go too early,

and you hit your head on a rock?

No, I don't remember
that at all.

Yeah, you were kind
of unconscious.

The point is, I
got you through it.

I'm your big brother. I'm
gonna take care of you.

Okay.

You're not gonna lose
the finger, you hear me?

Yeah.

If you do,

it's an automatic
conversation starter.

That's true.

There's this girl at
my gym with one leg,

and every time she hops
onto that treadmill,

I want to know her story.

I'm gonna look again.

I just told you
not to look at it.

Oh, you could see the bone.
You can't see the bone.

Yes, I can. Yeah,
you can see the bone.

Here are my family photos.

I'm willing to answer
questions and share stories.

Really?

Yes. I'm your mother.
You should know about me.

Where is this coming from?

Do you want to see
the photos or not?

Is that you?

Yes.

I had a few awkward
years as a teenager.

I think it just took some time

for you to grow into your head.

Dele.

They used to call me
"head of the class."

That's clever, but very mean.

Wow. Look how young
you and Dad are.

Mm. I was not born
an adult, you know.

I didn't know Dad
had a motorcycle.

Oh, that was mine.

I have so many questions.

It had 600 cc's,

and no, you cannot have one.

Whose wedding is this?

My cousin. Mm.

That's where your
father and I met.

He was so handsome

and such a good dancer.

I knew I wanted to meet him.

So you made the first move?

Do not talk to your
mother like that.

Your father was a very
respectful young man.

He asked my father's permission
before he took me out on a date.

You're sitting on
his lap in this one.

Oh.

Isn't this the same wedding?

Yes.

Where you just met?

I think we have shared enough.

This is a strange
feeling. What is?

You're not just my
mother. You're a person.

I prefer to just be your mother.

Let's go back to that.

Too late.

It's gonna be fine.
Abishola's on her way.

She doesn't need to do that.
I'm feeling much better.

No, I'm not. Okay.

Sit.

Hi. You might know my
wife, Abishola Adebambo.

She's a nurse in cardiology.

She told me to tell
you to bump us up.

Is the person you're
with experiencing

chest pains or in labor?

No. Have a seat.

Listen, lady, that's my
little brother over there,

a-and his finger's
damn near falling off.

I don't care what it costs,
I want him seen right now,

you hear me? Thank you.

Security, stand by.

I'm sitting. I'm sitting.

You're gonna be okay.
I'm such an idiot.

I can't even make a sock
without mutilating myself.

Look, accidents happen.
It's just bad luck.

I'll never play banjo again.

You never played before.

Well, now it's
off the table. Oh.

Bob. There you are.

Wife of mine.

Are you
okay, Douglas?

No. Why are you still waiting?

Her.

I guess if you're not
losing an organ...

Why is my brother-in-law
sitting in the waiting room

with a grade three laceration?

We're swamped down here.

If he even loses a fingernail

due to your negligence,

I'll report you to
the review board.

Review board.

She's good.

Success!
No fingers left behind.

Bring it in, buddy.

I didn't expect
everybody to be here.

All right, let's
give him some room.

No, no, it's nice.

Enough, he needs
to rest. Come.

We brought ice cream.
Would you like some?

Sounds good, thanks.

I-I think everyone
would like ice cream.

You're on heavy pain medication.

You might have some
trouble with food.

Good point. Just a beer.

I think everyone
would like a beer.

I got him some ice.

Ooh, thank you. We
got you some ice.

So, what happened, sweetie?

I was just being
careless. Classic Douglas.

Enough of that, it
was an accident.

I don't want to say it again.

Okay. You have spent

hour after hour working
on that warehouse floor.

Hell, you've been coming in on
the weekends just to learn the

new machines. If this happened
to somebody as skilled as you,

it could've happened to anybody.

Thanks, Bob. You're welcome.

We're all just glad
you're okay. Mm.

I love you, buddy.

I love you, too.

Did you see
that the Lions, they...

they fired their
offensive coordinator?

They had to do something.
The guy's running

a West Coast offense
without the personnel.

They really do love each other.

Guess you have to lose a finger

to receive some affection
around here.

Honey, give it a rest.

You will be fine. I still have

the scar on my hand from
when I was a little girl.

I got it playing
in the tool shed

at my grandfather's farm.

I remember that.

I did not know
great-grandfather had a farm.

He grew cassava.

We would drive up and help
him harvest it by hand.

Working on your
grandfather's farm

must've been a very
special time for you.

You know, my Uncle Willy
had a sweet corn farm.

Bob, please. My
mother is speaking.

All right.

Well, in August, we would all

pile in the car, and then we...

You starting to like baseball?

No, not really.

It grows on you.

Okay.

So, this spring training
game does not even count?

Nope. Basically,
a big practice.

And because you were at work,
the game already happened.

But instead of just looking up
who won, you are watching it.

I'm a complicated man.

That is
one way to put it.

Aw, my brother says
his date went well.

Mm. That is wonderful.
Yeah, hang on,

let me write him back.

Thumbs up. Party hat.

Good for him. After
ending a relationship,

it can be hard to try again.

Tell me about it.
After my divorce,

I had trouble moving on.

You are being modest.

No man who can
flirt with a woman

while wearing a hospital gown

has trouble with the
ladies.

I'm telling you.
It went Lorraine,

a lot of frozen pizzas
for dinner, and then you.

Aw, you love me more than pizza.

What about you? A lot of
microwave jollof after Tayo?

Uh, I had a boyfriend or two.

Was it "a" or two?

One was very serious.
His name was Ke...

You know what? I think
we shared enough for now.

Okay. Okay.

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