Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Every Character Is the Villain - full transcript

Previously on Bob
Hearts Abishola...

Now go to your office

and stay there until you are
ready to behave yourself.

Maybe you should
go to your office

until you are ready to behave.

This is my office, dum-dum.

There you go,
resorting to insults

when you know you are wrong.

You have made me feel small
for the last time, cousin.

I was, uh, hoping to transfer
to MaxDot manufacturing.

Interesting.



I am hard-working,

creative, and some
say I light up a room.

You are hired.

I need to know what's going
on with you and your cousin.

You should be more specific.

I have 32 cousins and I'm
feuding with five of them.

You and Kofo are important
parts of the MaxDot machine,

but the machine only works

if my cogs are on
speaking terms.

I will remain professional.

However, your other cog

is a spineless weasel.

I am so happy I do
not have to be around

that bossy know-it-all
a second longer.



You live with him.

On mornings, evenings,
and weekends,

I will suffer,

but business hours are mine.

I have been nothing
but a gracious mentor.

I got him his job. I let
him live above my garage.

I even gave him a space heater.

It overloads the breakers.

I can either be warm

or watch television,
but not both.

Have this argument at home,
not here. With him, not me.

He is acting like a child.

He's treating me like a child.

You're both children.

Cut this crap out. We
have a business to run.

Yes, Mr. Wheeler.

Yes, Mr. Wheeler.

He started it.
It is his fault.

My God.

My God.

Why is there a sticky
note on my computer

that says, "You didn't come
this far to only come this far"?

Kofo put up motivational
quotes around the office.

Most of the staff
found them inspiring.

You and I are the staff.

And I found them inspiring.

What's he supposed
to do around here?

I found you a piece of clay.

It is up to you to sculpt it.

Good morning,
Mr. Wheeler. Big T.

Up top, Special K.

Glad we're having fun.

Kofo, you need to make
things right with Goodwin.

Things are right with Goodwin.
We will never speak again.

His loss, our gain.

Stop high fiving.

Look, no matter what happens
between me and Abishola,

we always find a way
to kiss and make up.

I will never kiss that man.

You don't have to mean it.

It's just important you
say the words "I'm sorry."

Do you not mean it when
you apologize to Abishola?

We're talking about
Kofo and Goodwin.

I think we need to talk
about you deceiving my niece.

I have always been
the one to apologize

because he's my elder and
because I am scared of him.

But I am not crawling
back this time.

That is right. Stand tall.

Do not high five.

Mr. Wheeler, this is
best for everyone.

I promise I can help you here.

What are you working on today?

Uh, I got to talk to a recruiter

so we can get some
people on these machines.

I will take care of it.

I can set up a hiring interface

that self-screens
our candidates,

giving us only the top
of the hosiery field.

That would actually be
very helpful. Thank you.

A "thank you" at work.

What a novel concept.

Feel free to throw
one my way as well.

Oh, look at this, a starlit
dinner cruise around Lake Erie.

Mm. Panoramic views, a
large wine selection.

It sounds lovely. Right?

I am not sure I can
take the time off.

It's not for us, it's
for Goodwin and Kofo.

You are planning a romantic
trip for your employees?

No, it's just time together
so they can reconnect

and remember why they
care about each other.

That sounds romantic.

I got to do something. Why?

Is this disagreement
affecting their work?

No. Then you have no problem,

and you are wasting our
alone time. Snuggle me.

You're
right. Get in here.

Mmm. This is nice.

Yeah.

You are still thinking
about them, aren't you?

Yeah.

You are too emotionally
involved with your workers.

Well, what's wrong with
that? I care about them,

and they care about
doing a good job for me.

They should do a
good job for you

because your signature
is on their paycheck.

I wouldn't expect
you to understand.

What does that mean?

Well, come on, you know you're
not exactly the warmest person.

Remember that video I showed
you of the Marine coming home

and his dog was
happy to see him?

You didn't even react.
It was just a dog.

It was his best friend.

Just because I do
not ruin our evening

whining about my coworkers
does not mean I am not warm.

I am very warm!

I didn't mean it like that.

You're just very good at
compartmentalizing your emotions

in a way that most humans...

can't.

You want emotions?
How about anger?

Ah...

Hey, maybe we should
go on a starlit cruise.

Take Kofo! Okay.

Mr. McClellan, this is Kevin.

He will take you
to your surgery.

Thank you. We'll see
you on the other side.

What?

Oh, not that side.
After your surgery.

I got to remember to stop
at one cup of coffee.

Okay, ladies, do not forget,

Cindy is having her
birthday party after work.

Who is Cindy? That
nurse in pediatrics.

Nobody likes her,

not even the sweet,
sickly children.

Then why are we going?

Because we are good people.

And there's an open bar.

Well, I can't go. It's me
and Lester's anniversary.

Who is Lester? My husband.

Oh, of course.
Congratulations.

Got him a nice watch,
too. He gonna love it.

Another watch?

What are you talking about?

You bought him a
watch, let me see...

Mm-hmm, four years ago.

Fossil. Retail value $200.

Why would you keep
track of that?

Because I like to see
how generous people are.

For instance, the same
year, you got me...

a Chili's gift card.

Which is why, six months later,

I got you a Chili's gift card.

Is Abishola on your list?

We don't get each other gifts.

Well, that is not quite true.

We no longer get
each other gifts

because Christmas 2015,

I bought you some
humorously-patterned scrubs

and you never wore them once.

I misplaced them.

You never misplace anything.

You are a bad friend,

but you are very organized.

Fine, I did not wear them
because they are ugly.

That is no excuse. You
wear plenty of ugly things.

It's been years,
y'all. Let it go.

I will not. I am
fueled by spite.

During my morning meditation,

I chant the names of all the
people who have wronged me.

Ugh, that's stupid.

And now you have been
added to my chant.

Gloria called me stupid.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Robert. Robert. Hey.

Good, we're all here,
let's get started.

Feels like we're still
missing someone, doesn't it?

No. First order of business.

Christina,

you're now head of marketing.

Oh, my gosh, it's happening.

Hang on,

you're replacing
Kofo after one day?

Leave it alone, Bob.

While
we're divvying up

Kofo's carcass, can
I have his office?

It's not his office,
it's the office

of the head of marketing.

Oh, so you just get everything?

Everything that I've
earned. I've earned it, too.

I've been kissing Goodwin's
ass for six months now.

That is true, he has.

Bob, make him give
me the office.

No, 'cause Kofo's
coming back. He is not.

Christina gets the office.

Ha! Mom.

Let me help you out.

No one gets the office.

What? Come on.

Keep bitchin', I'll take
away your parking spaces.

Who you talking to? You ran off
the only guy who speaks Yoruba.

I can learn.

And that's just two of
the seven words I know.

Enough.

We should be celebrating your
sister's accomplishments.

Thank you. Yes,
congratulations.

Now, let's get back to work.

I don't think Mom's finished.

You've come a long way
from betraying your family.

There it is.

Another company

gave me an opportunity
for career growth.

You're lucky I'm
such a sweetheart.

When you leave the mob,

you get a concrete coffin.

Well, at least the mob treats
their family like family.

You just want me to fail.

I don't want you to fail.

You just do, over and over.

Well, maybe it's because I
never had a female role model.

Please make them stop.

They're working
out their problems,

this is healthy.

This is why your father
never wanted children.

Whoa, what did I do?

What have you done?

Your entire life?

Oh... My...

She is not wrong, Douglas.

We should get going.

all before. What have I done?

The same old...

Hey.

Look at us, two work bros

throwing back a
couple of brewskis.

Actually, it's gonna
be three work bros.

You invited Big T.

Ah.

That is not Big T.

Sit down.

Give him the other one.

Drink.

Now we're having
fun. Cheers, fellas.

I said cheers.

Thank you.

Never thought I'd say this,

but you two should be
more like my family.

Privileged? Arrogant?

Dependent on pharmaceuticals?

They're not perfect.
Certainly not.

Serval times, I have caught
Douglas stealing paper towels.

Paper towels are only the tip
of the Wheeler theft mountain.

Okay, that's enough.

The point I'm making is no
matter how much they fight,

they stick together.

So, let's stop this
nonsense and apologize.

Kofo, I am sorry...

that your ridiculously thin skin

could not handle a little
warranted criticism.

I am sorry that your
terrible leadership skills

have driven away a
promising employee.

I wasn't specific enough.

Let's say nice things.

Thank you so much

for leaving.

And thank you for showing
me how not to treat people,

you awful, awful man.

I want you out of my house.

Good, because I do not
want to be there anymore.

I will drink to
that. I will as well.

No! Now nobody's drinking.

Except me.

It is very kind of you to
let me stay the night. Oh,

I am not kind. He's kind.

I'll get some sheets
for the couch.

No. You have done
enough already.

Your wife is very sweet.

Yeah, and a volcano's
just a pretty mountain.

Mm, someone's getting fancy.

This is not my doing.
Kofo baked them.

Did he only bake one?

He also cleaned the kitchen and
did several loads of laundry.

That bastard.

I don't need anyone

doing my housework.
I have Dele for that.

Kofo should realize that no
matter what he does for you,

you will never appreciate it.

Are you still upset
about those scrubs?

I spent hours looking
at whimsical patterns.

I don't know why I
am friends with you.

I do not know either.

Oh, please,

you know you love each other.

You are wrong.

I would cut her out of
my life in a heartbeat.

What heartbeat? You
are dead inside.

You see this cute
back and forth here?

Y'all gonna be friends forever.

You are assuming
we are friends to begin with.

Abishola is a coworker

and nothing more.

Your tag is out. What?

Here, come here.

Thank you.

Boy, this website Kofo
set up... it's terrific.

Big whoop.

Come on, just acknowledge
he did a good job.

So he can use a computer.

My eight-year-old hacked into
his elementary school website.

Okay, enough.

Kofo was on my couch last night

and I'm gonna be
right there with him

if this doesn't end soon.

He will not be on
your couch long.

Thank you. He
will sneak his way

into your garage, and
before you know it,

he will be using your
Netflix password.

That's not gonna
happen. You know why?

'Cause you're gonna
be the bigger person.

Oh, no. My wife and I
are ecstatic he's gone.

We made love last night.

Three days ahead of schedule.

Well, how about this?

If you can't make things
right, you're fired.

I'm the president.

Let me ask you a
question, Mr. President.

Who signs your checks?

You do.

You get where I'm
going with this?

I do.

Great. Then the choice is yours.

You either be nice to Kofo

or find yourself another job.

Well? I'm thinking.

These martinis are wonderful.

The secret is a lot of ice,

and I whisper the word
"vermouth" into the glass.

You're such a doll, Kofo.

I can't believe
you're still single.

That is what everyone
says in my pottery class.

I knew it. You have the
slender fingers of a potter.

And the
backside of a man

with a tight backside.

Switch her to water.

I did, two martinis ago.

Kaale, everyone.

Uh, what is he doing here?

Bob, please, we're
out of couches.

Goodwin is here to
extend an olive branch.

Goodwin, extend.

You may return home.

Why would I do that?

Here, I am surrounded
by people who love me.

We do love him.

We really do.

I did what you asked

and he has refused.
You cannot fire me.

Ah, so that is why you are
here... to save your own skin.

Boo.

That is not the only
reason. You are my cousin,

I care about you. Now, come.

I have to pick up
flowers on the way home.

My wife will be inconsolable
when she sees you.

No, thank you.

What? What? What?

You heard him.

It is too late.

Thanks to Mr. Wheeler,

I have tasted freedom.
I will stay here

where the compliments
are plentiful

and the heat is always on.

No. Fine, stay here forever.

No, no. I will.

No! You stay as long
as you want, sweetie.

No! Bob.

Not Bob. Them.

Go ahead, say, "I told you so".

Why? You know I told you so.

I'm sorry. You should be.

Always thinking about others.

He's not gonna be here for long.

You will let him stay
as long as he needs

because you're a thoughtful
and generous man.

I'll try and work on that.

Why did I have to marry
someone with a heart of gold?

You deserve better.

There is no one better.

What's going on?

Kofo is going to be staying
with us for a while.

He can have my room
and I'll stay out here.

Would you like that?

I would love that.

Then no.

Make the bed.

Stop helping people.

Sorry.

Heart of gold, buddy,

heart of gold.

Thank you very much.

Oh, it was our
pleasure. Bye now.

Bye. What a great patient.

Never hit the call button once.

I hope he comes back.

You see his cholesterol?
He'll be back.

Ah, Kemi.

Ah.

I thought you
hated those scrubs.

I do.

But you are
wearing them. I am.

You look ridiculous.

You really do.

I know.

Why are the dogs wearing hats?

Your name will no
longer be whispered

during my grudge mantra.

However, you, Gloria,
will remain in my chant.

What have I done now?

You laughed at my gift.

We all laughed.

Ah, Gloria, that
was not very nice.

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