Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Fumble in the Dark - full transcript

Previously, on
"Bob Hearts Abishola"...

KEMI:
So this is what we do.

Chukwuemeka
and I get back together.

And you have your happy son.

- So happy.
- Mm. Then,

you and I will meet a series
of women

to see who is fit
to bear your grandchildren.

I can find no fault
with this arrangement.

Kemi,

we have chosen Morenike.

You are a sweet girl.



You came here
to study.

Do not jeopardize
that.

- What do you mean?
- This whole

Chukwuemeka situation is
a lot more complicated

than they're telling you.

I just came to
pick up a few things.

Two Clif Bars

and strawberry-flavored
lubricant?

There was a sale
on Clif Bars.

What is going on?

You are starting
a new life, and so am I.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, Kemi.

This is Terrence.



We work together
at the hospital.

How you doing?

Like your aftershave.

Smells like
strawberries.

Morning, morning,
morning!

Working, working, working.

Look at this
from Chukwuemeka.

This is his 16th text
this morning.

He also left four voice mails

in which you could tell
he had been crying.

Poor Chukwuemeka.

I know.

[giggles]

Look. This one was
from his mother.

GLORIA: Whoa. You
got her in all caps.

- And she spelled "foul" wrong.
- Mm-hmm.

How embarrassing.

Hmm. Terrence.

GLORIA:
Wait. Terrence

from radiology? - Yes.

I dipped my pen
in company ink.

Well, technically,
his pen in my ink. Ooh.

But I have hit it,

and now I will quit it.

[phone chimes]

Hmm.
Morenike.

Hmm. The pretty girl
is desperate.

♪ Block!

You cannot get rid of me
that easy, Auntie.

Ten bucks on
the little one.

I will get my purse.

"Ifanla" by Sola Akingbola
playing...

*BOB HEARTS ABISHOLA*
Season 03 Episode 07

Episode Title: "Fumble in the Dark"
Aired on: November 08, 2021.

Sync corrections by srjanapala

I thought
it would be better

if we spoke privately
in my office.

Please,

pull up a tub of pickles.

Chukwuemeka is devastated
by your display at church.

Which I'm sure
was your intention.

It was.

And what is your plan now?

That he and I live
happily ever after

and you go away.

Take a pickle for the road.

I am not going to do that.

You don't like pickles?

If you succeed in
getting rid of me,

do you really think
that will be the end of it?

- Yes.
- So,

Chukwuemeka and his mother
will suddenly

not want him
to have children?

Yes.

Auntie,
this will... always be a problem.

Unless you
find someone

who will marry him,

provide him
with children,

and is still okay with him
having his Kemi on the side.

And that person is you?

Yes.

Why would you agree
to this?

Because my parents
will not be satisfied

until I am married
with children.

But men do not interest me.

I also find them
boring,

but what are you
going to do?

Nothing...

until I met you.

Then I realized

I could marry a man who gets
his companionship elsewhere.

Hmm.

You are only saying that
because you have yet

to experience Chukwuemeka's
companionship.

Again,
that does not interest me.

Wait until you see him rise
out of the bathtub

like a sudsy phoenix.

I am not tempted
by his bubbles.

- Because he's not your type?
- Yes.

- Because he is bald?
- Because he is a man.

- A tall man?
- Auntie.

I like women.

And apparently,
short, hairy men.

And Friday
is a federal holiday,

which means, legally,
we cannot force people

to work,
but I have other ways.

Just give the guys
the day off.

Do not worry.

They cannot trace
this back to you.

Listen to me, Goodwin.
No one's coming in on Friday.

That you know of.

All right, if there's nothing else,
let's have a good day.

Oh, uh, actually,
I-I have something.

Ugh.
Mom.

Sorry. Continue.

I would like to discuss

increasing our social media
presence for the company.

Ugh.

- See? It just comes out.
- Yeah.

Research shows
that brand characters

on social media are as effective
today as Tony The Tiger

or the Pillsbury Doughboy
were on television.

I loved that Doughboy.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Well, then you are
gonna love this guy.

Meet Max.
He's an irreverent,

straight-shooting
compression sock

who loves nothing more than

to roast our competition
on Twitter.

[as Max]: Hey, Sock Depot,
you're cutting your prices?

Try cutting your inventory,

'cause it's trash.

[both laugh]

- [sighing]: Ah
- [sighing]: Ah.

Christina, our customers
aren't exactly Internet savvy.

That is our demo.

Hey, I know the Internet.

Wait. Is Facebook Internet?

That idea is like a foot
in the other brands' sock.

[as Max]:
It stinks.

[Goodwin and Dottie laugh]

Very clever, Mr. Wheeler.

Nice shirt, Goodwin.

I heard of casual
Fridays, but not

"What the hell are you
wearing Wednesdays." [laughs]

- I will change my shirt.
- No.

No, it's just
part of the bit.

Ah. Very clever,
Mr. Wheeler.

A compression sock
with attitude.

Now, that'san idea
that would work.

That's exactly
what I said.

Honey, it can't always be
about you.

Now support your brother's
nice idea.

Yeah.

Listen to that looney broad.

[laughs]

Hello.

- Oh, hey, Kofo.
- Mm.

You were brilliant in there.

Where?

In the meeting.
Your sassy sock idea.

Oh, yeah, it was all right.

Bob made it better.

All he did was pull
a sock off your hand

and put it on his own.

Yeah, but his hand is bigger,

so his sock demanded
more respect.

Christina, your
hand was perfect,

and your idea was perfect.

Christina?

Sorry. [laughs]

I am not used
to being validated,

so my brain just
had to reboot.

[chuckles]

Mine does that
at the store

when they ask me,
"Paper or plastic?"

Do not let your family
treat you like that.

I too have been marginalized
by a cousin I work with.

Oh. Goodwin?

I would rather not say.

Eventually I learned,

nothing would change unless
I stood up for myself.

Yeah, well, that takes
a very brave person.

You can be just
as brave.

Oh, my.

Look at her Facebook page.

Not one picture with a boy.

Because Morenike
is a good girl.

Or she's good
with girls.

How could she be gay?
She's Nigerian.

I don't think you understand
how serious this is.

In Nigeria, it is illegal.

Oh, I see. It's outlawed.

That means it
doesn't exist.

- Exactly.
- Well, I have

certainly never met
a gay Nigerian.

Because if anybody knew,
they'd be arrested.

[sighs]
Look, let's say for a minute,

you were gay in Nigeria.

But I'm not.

Hypothetically,
what would you do?

I would flee the country
to avoid prison, obviously.

You still need to hide it
from your family,

or you will be disowned.

So maybe as a cover,
you'd agree to a sham marriage

to a bald pharmacist
with a horrible mother

and a crazy girlfriend.

That could work.

There you go.

There what goes?

Really? She's gay!

[laughs]Max is trolling
Dr. Scholl's.

- Ew. What is that?
- I said

Dr. Scholl's is diagnosing
skin conditions,

and now everybody's sending him
pictures of their rashes.

Ugh. That's disgusting.
Scroll down.

Have Max say you can get high
smoking their insoles.

- [laughs]
- Is that true?

Who cares?
It's all about the clicks, baby.

[knocking]

Good.
You're all here.

May I address the family?

Ugh.Douglas.

What? I was looking
at the rashes.

I just wanted
to let you all know

that I'm not going
to be here tomorrow.

Another one
of your mental health days?

'‘Cause they're not
helping, honey.

I am taking the day

to explore new
employment opportunities

outside of MaxDot.

I feel
I am underappreciated here

and would like to find

a place that...

values me.

Honey, you are very important
to this company.

You're an essential part
of this team.

You do so much
for us.

Like what?

Huh?

What do I do
for the company, Bob?

Lots.

Right, Mom?

She asked you.

Douglas?

I have no idea.

This is great feedback.
Thanks.

Come on.

What do you really want here?

To be seen and heard.

I can't do that.

But I can do a new title.

Mom, you can't just
throw money at this problem.

I didn't say money.
I said title.

[door opens]

E kaale.

E kaale, Abishola.

We are about
to take a pound cake

to the new tenant
in 206.

Do you remember
what I always told you?

Ugh. Be nice to the
neighbors when they move in,

and they will supply you
with gossip for many years.

[laughs]

If we feed him
enough cake,

he will sing like
a chubby bird.

[chuckling]

May I get you some tea,
Auntie?

Ah.
No, thank you.

Um,
please, sit with me.

Auntie Olu told me
you joined the church choir.

Oh, yes. The pastor said I sang
"Joyful, Joyful" so well,

he wept into his stew.

Oh.
That's wonderful.

You know, it's important
to have the support

of the community when you
first move to this country.

Yes.
I am so thankful for it.

Then you should
be very careful.

Regarding?

I know you are...

[whispering]:
gay.

Don't worry. I will
not tell anyone.

- I would appreciate that.
- Mm-hmm.

I think
you are smart with this

whole
Chukwuemeka arrangement.

It is the best way
to protect yourself.

Yes, Auntie.

Ah. You know how traditional
Nigerians can be.

It is better to
keep it secret.

You think it is best
I stay in the closet?

Closets are very safe places.

It is where I would hide
if there was an intruder

or-or a tornado.

- Yes, Auntie.
- Mm.

You remember Uncle Mobo?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. At first,

people suspected
he was like you.

Then he got married, and
all the rumors stopped.

Soon, he had a good job
and six wonderful children.

Was he happy?
Who knows?

Every time I saw him,
he was drunk.

But he was a well-respected
family man.

And that is what
is important.

- Yes, Auntie.
- Mm.

So, how is school going?

I got a "B" in chemistry.

Maybe that should also
stay in the closet.

It is so nice
to have everyone here together.

Is it?
I still do not understand

why sheneeds
to be a part of this.

It's not important
that you understand.

It's important
that I am a part of this.

I would like
to make a toast.

To my Mumzy Wumzy.

To my Kemi Bear.

And to...

...you.

Morenike.

I know.

Thanks to you,
I will soon have

more grandchildren
than my sister.

How many does she have?

Only seven.

Only.

Oh. Okay.

Eh. Cheers.

- KEMI: Cheers.
- OGECHI: I pray

that the children have
your beautiful hair.

And my son's
perfect cheekbones.

And my eyes.

I do not think
that is possible.

You never know.

Maybe I could stare at your
belly while you are pregnant.

- Huh.
- OGECHI: I will name

the firstborn, obviously.

If it is a boy, Chidi.

Hmm.

If it is a girl, Ngozi.

I've always
liked Connor.

Chidi Connor Chukwuemeka.

- It has a nice ring.
- Mm.

What do you
think, Morenike?

I cannot do this.

Well... it doesn't
have to be Connor!

I also like Chad!

What exactly
did you say to her?

Huh. The truth.

That if she wants
to be happy, she should

never let anyone
find out who she is.

That is excellent advice.

Why would she not
listen to that?

Hi, Kemi.
Can I offer you a drink?

Can you not see
we are talking?

But, yes, a mochaccino with
almond milk and a little nutmeg.

Really?

Yes, really.

Without Morenike,

I will have
to do the impossible

and find another
Nigerian lesbian.

Ugh. And they do
not grow on trees.

What's this now?
Morenike's gay?

Focus on my coffee, Bob.

Hang on.
I mean, if she's gay,

why was she involved
with Chukwuemeka at all?

To make her
family happy.

And more importantly,

me happy.

If you ask me,
if she doesn't want

to get married,
that's her choice.

No one's asking you
for anything but coffee.

I'm just saying,
you got divorced,

you married a white
American dude.

You didn't play
by anyone else's rules.

You were true
to yourself, always.

This situation
is different, Bob.

What about you?

You date who you want,
you say what you think,

you show up at somebody's house

demanding
a mocha-freakin'-ccino.

Which, clearly,
I will never get.

You're both strong women

who live your lives
on your own terms.

Now, if you can do it,
why not Morenike?

Because she's a Nigerian gay.

- And she's the only one.
- BOB: Oh, come on.

- That can't be...
- She's the only one!

What the hell is that?

CHRISTINA:
My resignation letter.

You want
to talk about it?

God, no. That's why
I wrote you the letter.

Come in here.

God. Can we not make
a big thing out of this?

It is a big thing.

You're quitting
the family business.

No, I am exploring
new and exciting opportunities.

What opportunities?

I don't know yet.

But I know they are new
and exciting.

Well, maybe just stay on
until you figure it out.

[sighs]

Let's be honest.

I don't think
I'll ever figure it out.

And if I don't leave now,
I-I don't think I ever will.

Well...

then you got to go.

You're accepting
my letter of resignation?

No. I'm accepting your

"exploration of new
and exciting opportunities."

Thanks, Bob.

This feels good.

And really, really scary.

You're gonna do great.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go tell Mom.

Okay.

[sighs]

DOTTIE: Are you insane?!
You'll die out there!

Hello, Morenike. Kaasan.

Hello, Aunties.

I threatened you.

- What?
- This is your cover story.

I threatened you, and this is
why you left our arrangement.

There were no other
personal reasons.

No need to mention
your... lesbian-ity.

Although, it is your life,
and if you feel

- like you must...
- I am not ready for that.

Oh, thank God.

Whatever happens,
we are on your side.

Even if we do not
understand it.

Which we don't
and never will.

Thank you, Aunties.

I mean, I know
how it works.

I went to an
all-girls school.

After lights out,
we would fumble in the dark.

- Kemi!
- Relax!

We were preparing
ourselves for men.

BOB: I don't know
if you guys know

what's been going on.

Christina has left,

and her position has

become available.

We all got her beautiful
resignation letter.

Several people
were inconsolable.

Just one people.

Of course,

now you will need to replace
her with someone qualified,

who has great knowledge of
the workings of the company.

That's exactly right.

I usually am.

Congratulations, Kofo.

Excuse me?

Mr. Wheeler,
you said "Kofo."

My name is Goodwin.

I know, but Kofo came up
with the outlet store idea.

Plus, he worked with
Christina rebranding

our socks, and she left him
a glowing recommendation.

That was
very lovely of her.

You want Kofo?

The Kofo that sleeps
in my garage?

Yes, Goodwin.

We need you down on the floor.
You're our guy.

Your floor guy.

Exactly.

And Kofo is your

office-with-a-view-
of-the-parking-lot guy?

You can also see
the Petco.

Well, there is nothing
for me to say, but

congratulations,
and I quit.

Goodwin, wait.

Good luck.

Now I feel terrible.

- [door closes]
- I do, too.

Thank you so much
for this opportunity.

I have reconsidered.

I just remember, I have a child
in private school.

Welcome back, Cousin.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

Sync corrections by srjanapala