Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - One Man, No Baby - full transcript

Previously on Bob
Hearts Abishola...

(knock on door) Come in.

Hey, what're you
doing? Homework.

Come on, I won't rat you out.
What are you really doing?

Homework.

(sighs) What have
they done to you?

So, listen,

I was thinking about
running over to Costco

and buying one of
those new Xboxes

and inviting some friends
over to mess around with it.

You a gamer?



No, which means I'll need

somebody to teach me.

Oh, I don't think my
mom will like that.

Oh, she's gonna hate it.

Let's go.

BOB: So, what, I'm just supposed
to become a Ravens fan now?

ABISHOLA: Are they
not a better team?

BOB: Okay, that's a low blow.

ABISHOLA: Everything
is a low blow.

You are so sensitive. (sighs)

Sounds like there's
trouble in paradise.

Another marital problem that

we will have to
help them navigate.

They're so lucky
to have us. Mm.



When I was a newlywed, there
was nothing to navigate.

You just did what
your husband said,

and you made sure he never
saw you without makeup.

My husband still has
never seen my naked face.

Really? I sleep in

full makeup and
a girdle. Mm-hmm.

I thought you were
getting yourself some tea.

I never made it to the kettle.

My mother stopped
me to complain.

About what? Everything.

You know, this could
be a new reality show.

An angry Nigerian mother-in-law

slowly destroying
the people she loves.

Call it, Guess Who's
Coming to Dinner...

and Staying. Forever.

Oh, no. What?

I forgot my phone out there.

Don't go back. I'll
order you a new one,

have it delivered to the window.

I think I left it in the gym.

I could get to it from
the side of the house.

Yeah, but that's right next
to "you know whose" room.

(chuckles) Your
mother has a name.

Don't say it out loud,
you'll summon her.

Then she'll come and tell
us one of her stories.

(as Dottie): Did I ever tell
you about my royal flush

at the Jackpot Junction Casino?

(laughs)

I always get the
one about someone

named Frankie Valli
buying her a lemon drop.

We're prisoners in our own home.

Our moms are the guards,
and this is the hole.

We could always escape.

Go out the window,

press against the
side of the house

to avoid the motion lights,

have the Uber pick us up two
blocks down at the 7-Eleven.

Wow, you just had
that plan ready to go?

You are new to this prison,

I grew up in it. (laughs)

Well...

I suppose we could
jump that rose bush.

Although, that gravel
on the other side's

gonna make for a tricky landing.

I'm gonna have to change shoes.

Bob. Yeah?

We don't have to do this.

Thank you.

DOTTIE: Hey, I found
somebody's phone.

(knock on door) DOTTIE:
You guys in there?

Bob? Abishola?

Shh. It responds to noise.

("Ifanla" by Sola
Akingbola playing)

Do you have any eights?

Go fish.

This is a very strange game.

Yeah, it's
mind-numbingly simple,

which is why it's better
to do when you're drinking.

What isn't?

I knew we were simpatico.

I'll get the Baileys. Mm.

Hey.

Good morning, sweetie.

Hello, Bob.

E karo, Mama Ebun.

Is everything okay?

You and Abishola turned in
early last night. BOB: Yeah.

I'm on this new diet

where you're not supposed
to eat after 6:00,

so what's the point
of being up? Or alive?

While you have an
important guest here,

it might be nice for you to make

a little more effort
to entertain them.

I'm sorry, Mama Ebun.

I meant me.

It is good you and Abishola are
spending so much time together.

Listen, a-about that,

you know,

we love having both of you here.

Of course you do.

We're delightful. (laughs)

Yeah.

It's just, I feel like I
spend more time with you two

than I do Abishola.

Well, whose fault
is that? Yours.

You should always make
time for your wife.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Then why are you
here whining to us?

I'm not whining. I just
want some alone time

with my wife. Well,
maybe your yelling

is why she doesn't want to
spend any more time with you.

How about this? One night
a week, you guys stay out

of our hair. Is that too much
to ask? DOTTIE: Not at all.

To be honest,

we could use a little
break from you, too.

Seriously?

You know I love you, sweetie,
but you're under foot a lot.

This is my house.

How dare you tell your mother
that your house is yours.

DOTTIE: I had a stroke,

God forbid I should stay

a couple of weeks.
EBUNOLUWA: Mm.

You've been here for two years.

You know what?

Forget I said anything.
Have a great day.

You too, sweetie.

Boy, he's in a mood.

I hope he does not pass that
disposition onto his child.

Huh?

Clearly, they are
trying to have a baby.

Can you think of
any other reason

they would not want
their mothers around?

Hot damn, I'm gonna be a granny.

AUNTIE OLU: Of course, Ebun.

I will not tell a soul.

Hand me the church directory.
I need to spread the good news.

What?

Bob and Abishola are
going to have a child.

No! Yes!

Can you imagine how adorable
a little baby Bob will be?

I need to tell Sister Comfort.

Shouldn't Bob and
Abishola be the ones

to announce this blessing?

Yes.

Hello, Sister Comfort.

I have wonderful news!

(gasps)

Just saw my first robin.

Spring is coming soon.

Are you having another stroke?

No, I'm just enjoying
God's handiwork.

Each day really is a gift.

It does sound like she's dying.

I'm not dying.

If you must know, I'm
in a good mood because

I'm about to be a grandmother.

Wait, Abishola's pregnant?

They're working on it.

I knew when he
started losing weight

he was up to something.

Oh, he's burning those calories.

Ew.

Are you sure about this?

I just feel like Abishola
would've told her little sister.

Little? You're older than her.

Yeah, but she's
taller. Bob said

they need more alone time.

What do I need to do,
draw you a picture?

Well, maybe she just
didn't want to jinx it

by sharing it with the
person that she's closest to.

Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

Poor Bob.

What do you mean, "poor Bob"?

He's gonna be one
of those old dads.

Him and the kid are gonna be
in diapers at the same time.

Well, I'm excited.

This baby could be good for us,

give me more than one
winner in the bunch.

One winner?

She's talking about Bob.

All I'm saying is, it's a chance

to right some wrongs.

What, so are you saying
Douglas and I are the wrongs?

No.

You both fill my
heart with pride.

Your shift was over
a half hour ago.

Yes, it was.

Your mom still here?

Yes, she is.

(chuckles)

My mother would visit for months

and do nothing but nag me
from the couch all day.

Her butt print would haunt
me even after she left.

I feel bad for my mother.

I'm all she has. My siblings
barely speak to her.

See that guilt you're
feeling? Mm-hmm.

It's all part of their
little game, child.

My mother does not play games.

The fact that you think that,

means she's winning.

Here.

What is this?

I would have made more of an
effort if I hadn't found out

you were having a baby
from Sister Comfort.

What? You're having a baby?

No. Oh, please.

Don't play coy now.
Your secret is out.

I am not pregnant.

That's why she been
eating such big lunches.

And having erratic mood swings,

from angry to very angry.

You are making me angry now
with this pregnancy nonsense.

I'm going to be a
wonderful godmother.

Ah, who made you godmother?

You think it should be you?

I think we should discuss it.

Is anyone listening
to me? Shh.

What if we were co-godmothers?
I could live with that.

Well, let's do
that then. (laughs)

Ooh, you look a little cranky.

Let me get you two a snack.

Apparently, my mother has been
telling everyone I'm pregnant.

Well, how the hell
did she get that idea?

I was just telling her we
barely get any time together.

Oh, Bob. What?

Why would two married
people want to be alone?

To look at a suspicious mole

on the husband's back?

Now she will never give up

on this ridiculous baby idea.

Is it?

What? Ridiculous.

Yes.

We talked about this.

I know, but that was before.

Before what?

Spending time with Dele.

He's such a great kid.

You can't help but wonder

what kind of kid we would have.

I can help but wonder.

You know what? Forget
I said anything. Okay.

Yeah, just forget it.

(sighs)

Oh, great, you're
here. Please, sit down.

Are you coming back
to take my job?

No, I would never.

Oh, thank God.

Don't thank God
yet. Someone is

coming for your jobs.

Someone younger and smarter.

Who is coming?

Bob and Abishola are
trying to have a kid.

No!

Yes.

That is wonderful news.

Stop smiling, you fool.

The moment the child is born,

we are on an 18-year countdown

until he inherits
the MaxDot throne.

Yes, he, she, or they

will certainly be put in charge.

I would welcome a
leader that has a mix

of Abishola's relentless
drive and Bob's tenderness.

Like a teddy bear with talons.

There will be no
company to work for.

Often, the passion for
a family-run company

only lasts one generation.

You think Bob's kid will sell?

GOODWIN: Of course.

He will not care about socks.

He will only care
about going to the club

and getting jiggy with it.

I don't like him.

He hasn't even been born
yet, and I do not like him.

That baby is no threat to you.

I was the one who was
going to be in charge.

(both laugh)

DOUGLAS: Goodwin,

we love you

and all you've done for
the business, but...

we're Wheelers.

Well, Bob Wheeler

promised me I would
take over once he left.

I'm sorry? What?

I have a signed statement
on a Wendy's napkin.

And where is this napkin?

In a safe place.

Yeah, I don't know if a
napkin will hold up legally.

I mean that genuinely,
I have no idea.

Why was I never told?

None of this matters if
Mr. Wheeler has a child.

Excuse me. Where
are you going?

To get a baby gift.

Are you sure?

When you walk out that door,
you have chosen your side.

Oh, my God.

This baby is already
tearing us apart.

Well, here they are!

Ooh. The bringers of life.

I have wanted to change a diaper

since I saw the movie
Three Men and a Baby,

because I was one
man with no baby.

That's very sweet, guys,

but there has been
a misunderstanding.

Eat this eba.

I'm not hungry right now.

Eat it. Your cousin Bisi ate
it during her pregnancies

and all her children
are over six feet.

And she and her husband
are both little people.

Everyone is getting
ahead of themselves.

Abishola, I just want
to say thank you.

I'd given up on the idea
of becoming a grandmother,

and then this came
out of nowhere.

Like the time Frankie Valli
bought me a lemon drop.

I have to say,

this is... this is the most...

No, no, no, please don't.

Let your uncle cry.

After all our struggles,

he is excited to
have a baby around.

Yes. That.

Listen, I don't want
to disappoint anyone,

but Abishola and
I talked about it,

and we're not sure we're
gonna do the kid thing.

What? EBUNOLUWA:
Yes, you will.

I have already told everyone.

Well, you should
not have done that.

This is my fault.

I didn't mean to give
you the wrong idea.

Do you really not want a child?

Uh... You see?

Your husband wants a child.

You are denying him the chance
to continue his family name.

I'm sorry.

I know everyone here's
intentions are good,

but I think we just
need a little space.

This is a complicated situation.

It is not complicated.
We want a child.

UNCLE TUNDE: We do.

We really do.

I am so sorry about that.

Wow, she's like a ninja.

(lively chatter)
(music playing faintly)

Can I join you?

What happened?

I fell out the
window following you.

What do you think happened?

That rose bush was
tricky. (chuckles)

That makes me feel much better.

How did you find me?

You know that app
you track Dele on

with your phone?

You did that? Sorry.

Do not be.

Tracking someone
means you love them.

A child would require me

to take time away
from the hospital.

That's true.

I would also need to delay
going to medical school

for at least a year.

Yeah, I guess you would.

I have concerns about

taking care of a
newborn and your mother,

who, after a few drinks,
is fussier than a baby.

(chuckles)

Got to be careful not
to mix up their bottles.

So many people want this.

What they want doesn't matter.

But you want it.

What I want is for
you to be happy.

And if you don't
want to have a kid,

then I support that.

I'm not sure what I want.

Wait, I thought
you were a hard no.

Because up until today, I
thought you were as well.

Are you saying you
want to have a kid?

I'm saying I'm no
longer a hard no.

Huh.

Okay.

Okay.

♪ Into the sun ♪

So... Let's just drink
while I still can.

You got it.

(whirring)

Hey, Goodwin.

Hello.

I just want you to know

that I fully
support Bob's choice

in putting you in
charge one day.

Thank you.

And I'm happy to
help throw overboard

any family member who disagrees.

You know, so long as there's
a place for me on that boat.

I will keep that in mind.

Great. (chuckles)

You look handsome today.

(scoffs)

Hey! My favorite coworker.

I was just thinking...

about how much I love
working on the floor.

Under you.

Thank you.

I would never abandon this place

the way cuckoo Christina did.

I'm loyal, like a hound dog.

All I need is a pat on
the belly once in a while.

And my old office back
and a company car.

I will think about it.

(chuckles) Take your time.

You look handsome today.

(sighs)

Hello, cousin. Yes?

Is there something you
would like to tell me?

No.

I'm just here to make copies.

Always the hard
worker. Mm-hmm.

I will remember that
when I rise to power.

Interesting.

We will see what the Wheeler
child has to say about that.

Haven't you heard? There
is no Wheeler child.

You have old
information, cousin.

Abishola is no longer a hard no.

Where did you hear this?
Who-who is your source?

Like I said,

I am just here to make copies.