Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - On a Dead Guy's Bench - full transcript

Previously on Bob Hearts
Abishola... So-so you're divorced?

No.But you're not together anymore?

No, we are not.

Well, what if you meet someone?

Isn't that a problem?

It is not a problem yet.

I wasn't completely
honestwith you yesterday.

Really?

Yes.

When we first met
at the hospital,

I did like you a little bit.



I knew it.

I know you and I don'tmake any sense.

We're like ice creamfor breakfast.

Doesn't seemlike a good idea.

But if it makes you happy, why not?

Here, I broughtyour breakfast.

Ice cream.

Enjoy. I'm going
to check on your mother.

Hey.

Were you followed?

Don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.

Well, what did you
tell Abishola?

That I was meeting
an old friend from college.

If she asks, his name is Barry Lewis



and he lives in Toledo
with his wife and two kids.

Billy's eight and Sarah's five
and, boy, are they a handful.

Why do you tell such
elaborate lies?

Well, what did you tell Olu?
Nothing.

I went into the bathroom
with a newspaper,

then climbed down
the fire escape.

We have 45 minutes before
she gets suspicious.

It's weird, I've done this
before but I'm still nervous.

Don't be.
You have a secret weapon.

What's that?

Me, Tunde.

Don't worry,
I will get youthe best engagement ring

at a price that will makethe jeweler weep.

I'm not really too worried
about price.

If you're going
to say stupid things,

go wait in the van.

Good afternoon.

I'm David. How can I help you?

I see your store is
empty of customers.

So perhaps we'll be
helping you, David.

Oh, okay.

I'm looking for an engagementring
and it doesn't have to be

too ornate, you know? Simple, classy,

beautiful... just likethe
woman I hope to marry.

Well, congratulations, sir.

Well, thanks,
but let'swait until she says yes.

Are we done with the chitchat?

I have to walk out of the
bathroom in 22 minutes.

How about that oneright there?

Oh, good choice.

This one is a beauty.

1.5 carat, princess cut,

VVS1 clarity diamond

on an 18-carat band.

It's really nice.

I mean, it's okay.

And let those be the
last words you speak.

How much?

$11,995.

Oh! Did you hear that?

Store with no customers?

We'll give you eight.Oh...

I-I couldn't possibly do that.

I mean, I wish I could but...

Then what is your best number?

I guess...

I could knock it
down to 11-five.

Nice meeting you, David.

Let's go, Bob.Thanks.

Hang on.

Yes?

How much were you
looking to spend?

$8,000 for the ring
you are holding.

Give me a minute.

I'll have to call the owner.

He's not calling anyone.

This is just a part of the game.

This isn't my first rodeo,
Tunde.

Then act like it, cowboy.

'Cause you are about
to get thrown from the bull.

Okay, I can get you down

to nine-five.

Ah, David, I really wanted
you to make this sale

so you could afford to move
from your parents' home.

How did you know that?

Because I have eyes, David.

I have eyes.

Come on. W-Wait.

Yes?

What you got there, Bobby Socks?

Oh, nothing.

Come on.

What did you put in your pocket?

Was that a cookie?

No, it's not a cookie.

Remember when you were a kid
and I used to find

cookie crumbs in your pocket?

I don't do that anymore.

All right then. If it's a flask,

give Mama a hit.

It's the middle of the day.

That's why you use a flask.

You want to see?

Fine. Here.

Oh, my... Oh.

That's beautiful.

I did good?

You did really good.

Figure I better make it
officialbefore she wises up.

Oh, good thinking.

I was joking. What do you want me to say,

sweetie? She's out of
your league, you know this.

I do.

Still, I'm so happy for you.

Thanks.

It'll be fun... all
of us under one roof.

"Us"?

Well, you know how the
Nigerians are with family.

We'll have Olu, Tunde,

Dele...
probably a couple of cousins

they stashed away somewhere.

You just got to make it

clear to them I'm keeping
the downstairs bedroom.

Y-You're not going
back to your house?

Someday.

You know, when you're
feeling better.

I'll tell them
about the bedroom.

The pepper soup is wonderful.

Thank you.

So, where were you
this afternoon?

What are you talking about?
I was here.

Tunde!

What?

After you left the bathroom,

I went in to change the towels.

So? So...

it did not smell the way it does

after you have been there
for 45 minutes.

You mean like something died?

No one asked you.

Were you betting money
on those skinny dogs again?

No.

And they are called greyhounds.

Named after the bus.

Tunde, tell me the truth.

Where were you?

We cannot discuss this
in front of the boy.

Go away, boy.

Tell me.

Okay, but you must promise
not to tell Abishola.

Of course.

Good news!

I have a secret.

But you have to promise
not to tell anyone.

Then don't tell me. Me, either.

Well, I have to tell someone.

Bob is going to ask me
to marry him.

What?! Eh?

How do you know?

My uncle helped him buy a ring.

Oh, so he got a good price.

Her uncle can get a discount
at the 99 Cents Store.

This means we all have
to go to Nigeria.

For the wedding?

For the approval. Bob has to

present himself to
Abishola's family.

If they don't like him,

they can forbid the marriage.

So are you telling me
if Bob rubs

some second cousin the wrong
way, you can't marry him?

No, I still can.

But she can never return
to Nigeria.

Or Texas. Huh?

I have family there.

Poor sock man.

He tries to give you
a diamond ring

and suddenly he's proposing
to a whole village.

It's not the whole village.

At most, it would be 200 people.

And that is the easy part.

I also have to ask
my husband for a divorce.

That's right. I always
forget you're still married.

So get a divorce, big deal.

It's not like America.
You cannot just order one

at the drive-through
like Kentucky nuggets.

If her husband doesn't
agree to the divorce,

she will have to bribe
many officials and judges.

Oh, so they're corrupt.

No. No.

I'm going to make

such a beautiful bridesmaid.

Why don't you wait
for me to ask you?

You're going to ask me.
Don't be stupid.

You look beautiful today.

Thank you, Bob.

It's weird how this bench
has kind of become

our bench.

Actually, the plaque on the back

says it's in loving memory
of Stanley Webber.

Yeah, well, it looks like

Stanley's all done using it.

Anyway...

This spot has become
very special for us.

Which is why I
thought it would be

the perfect place to... No.

What? You do not have to do this.

You know?

Of course I know.

Tunde.

Bob...

You have no idea what
marryinga Nigerian woman entails.

The process will be very
stressful and unpleasant.

Because I'm a white guy?

That does not help.

Listen to me.

I do not want to marry you,

but I do want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Do you understand?

Not really.

Trust me,
it might not seem like it,

but it's for the best.

You want to at least
see the ring? Oh, no.

I'm sure it's very beautiful,
but there is no need.

Okay.

This really isour special place.

Yeah, on a dead guy's bench.

What was she thinking?
This is craziness.

It is so humiliating.

I'm sorry you're upset.

Tell me the proposal
word for word.

Maybe then I'll know
what you did wrong.

Because it could not
have been the ring.

Tunde, relax. It's for the best.

Bob, you may lie to yourself...

In fact,
you are quite good at it...

...but you may not lie to me.

Well, what do you want me to do?

You can't force someone
to marry you.

No, you cannot.

Unless you're willing to buy

her father a Subaru Crosstrek.

He's outdoorsy.

I will talk to her.

No. You've done enough.

I thought I had,
but here we are,

returning a ring I
worked so hard for.

Hey, Bob,

I just heard.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, completely understandable.

You remember when I went silent

for a couple of monthsafter my divorce?

Well, actually, you probably don't,

because I didn'tcome to work.

But I was at home, silent.

Abishola and I
are still together.

But she doesn't want
to marry you?

She does not.

Oh.

How very French of you.

That's exactly
what we were going for.

Well,
I'm happy you're stillin a relationship.

Would I like to be in one?

Eh, more and more, I don't think so.

I mean, if I need sex,
I can always go out and get it,

but in the meantime,
I am flying solo and thriving.

You know, when you stop chasing

after the relationship
that's gonna fix you,

that's when you find outwho you really are.

I am on a journey
of self-discovery

that has nothing to do
with who I'm married to

or who I'm dating.

Alone and by myself, I am enough.

I am a complete person,

and I like me.

I thought you came in here
to cheer me up.

Best-laid plans, huh?

Come here.

It's okay.

Hey, I just heard.

Not a good time, Douglas!

This should help
with your discomfort.

What are you giving him? Relax, she knows
what she's doing.

She's a professional.

Fine, swallow poison. What do I care?

I hope it's poison.

Hello.

Ah, Mr. Clark,
you have barely eaten.

Oh, he doesn't care for eggs.

I can talk to the woman.

I don't care for eggs.

These are more powder than egg,

but we can find you
something else.

Don't bother, I'll be dead soon.

Why would you say that?

That's a horrible thing to say.

Let me go, Doreen.

Marry my brother like
you know you wanted to.

I went on one date with him

43 years ago.

What about Atlantic City?

All right, two dates.

Uh, excuse me.

I have other patients.

Hand me that blanket. Are you cold?

Yeah, I'm-I'ma little chilly.

There. There, is that better?

Yeah.
What were we talking about?

Your brother and Atlantic City.

Why are you making trouble?

I want to hear
the end of the story.

So do I.

I don't know why

you have to keep
bringing that up.

She definitely picked
the wrong brother.

What's wrong?

Them.

The constant bickering?

I don't mind it.

It's just noise.
Old, white noise.

It is beautiful.

I hope, many years from now,

I can argue with Bobwhile he's dying.

It doesn't
have to stop when they're dead.

Every time I go to the
cemetery to visit my husband,

I shout at his headstone
until I am asked to leave.

Ah, geez. What?

We are here to congratulate
youon the success of your proposal.

Thank you, but she said no.

Exactly. Well done, sir.

You get to be with
a Nigerian woman

without the inconvenience
of marriage.

Yes, you are notpurchasing the cow

because you arereceiving the milk

for no money downand no monthly payments.

And you don't have to worry

about winning over the
cow's judgmental family.

You don't even haveto live with the cow.

Can we please stop
calling her a cow?

Why?

Cows are both beautifuland delicious.

Guys, I, uh,
I appreciate you coming by...

Uh, you know, actually, I don't.

Can we go back to work? GOODWIN: Of course.

We are just happy it all out. Worked out?

The woman I love
thinks marrying me is not worth

the whole Nigerian rigamarole.

"Rigamarole"?

I-It's like "kerfuffle."

Regardless, you area man to be admired.

Our hats

are off our heads to you.

Chukwuemeka is cookingfor me tonight.

Oh, that is nice.

We probably won't be having
sexbecause the lasagna is so heavy.

And also, becausehe's so unattractive

when he tends to melike a woman.

Mm.He wears that apron,

and I dry up like a desert.

Hey.

Bob.

You mind if I cut in?

Be my guest.

I'm getting nothingfrom this conversation.

What are you doing here?

Well, I had to talk to you.

I need to talk to you, too.

Listen, I know this whole
thing is a hassle, but...

have you ever eaten crab legs?

What?

Well, they serve themwith a hammer.

Y-You got to crack them
openand pull them apart...

It's a mess, but in the end,

i-it's worth it.

So much better than just
gettinga pile of meat in a bowl.

This is what you wanted
to talk to me about?

No.

I wanted to tell you I love you.

I love you, too.

This is going to be

so hard, but when have things
ever been easy for us?

What are you saying?

Bob?

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Have you idiots not seen
a single romantic comedy? Clap!

Can I see the ring?

Oh, you know,
I-I actually returned it.

Uh, this was sort of
a spur-of-the-moment thing.

There's no ring. Stop clapping.

Stop clapping!

This time, let me
do the talking. Fine, pay retail,

see if I care.

I'm not gonna pay retail.

Oh, hi.

Welcome back.
How can I help you?

We're here for the ringl returned.

Oh, sure.

I believe we settled on $8,500.

When it was new.

Now... it's secondhand.