Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Useless Potheads - full transcript

Previously on
Bob Hearts Abishola...

They're sending my mom home
in a couple of days.

Ah, that's wonderful news.

Anyway, I'm gonna move her
into my house

so that I can take care of her,
but I'm gonna need some help.

You're going to need
a lot of help.

Until your mother
gets well,

she cannot use the bathroom
by herself, bathe, eat, dress.

GLORIA:
Basically,

you got a 70-year-old baby who
knows how to bust your balls.

Right. Thanks.



Look, I don't want
to hire a stranger.

And you mentioned that you
sometimes do private care

in people's homes,

so I was wondering

if you would consider
doing this for my mom.

I need to stay with my
mom for a couple of days

until she gets settled,
so I was hoping

you guys could keep an
eye on things for me

while I'm gone. Of course we can.

Ugh!

This needs salt.

You heard the doctor. No salt.

Come on. It's just you and me.

No one needs to know.



I know. Forget the salt.

You love this, don't you?

Love what?

Being mean to me.

It's not mean
to want you to get well.

But yes, I enjoy it.

Okay, I know the answer to this,
but I got to ask...

No beer.

I told you.

One light beer.

Stop.
No, this is me
compromising.

I really want a fifth of bourbon
and a carton of menthols.

No alcohol until you are well.

Alcohol will make me well.

And funnier.

Finish your food and
I'll be right back.

[sighs]

When I die, I'm gonna haunt you.

You are haunting me now.

I'm sorry, Goodwin,
I'm not gonna be there.

You're gonna have to take
the meeting without me.

Just tell them the truth,
my mother had a stroke.

Sure, put out some coffee,
grab some supermarket muffins,

whatever you want.

No, not sushi.

Well, I don't care
if you love it.

No. Sashimi is still sushi.

I guess we're gonna have to come
up with some kind of schedule

of who takes care of Mom
and when.

We don't need a schedule.

We're here whenever
she needs us,

for however long she needs us.

Cool.

I just can't do next Saturday.

I can't, either. I have a date.

With who?
It's "with whom,"

and I don't know yet.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I made plans. Christina,

drinking alone at the Red Onion
is not a plan.

BOB:
Okay, fine.

California rolls,
spicy tuna and yellowtail.

That's it.

Sure.

Tempura. Why not?

Yeah, I'm very excited. Goodbye.

Okay, I have to go.
Your mother is all set,

but she'll need help
getting to the bathroom.

Uh, can't she do, like,
a bedpan or something?

She would prefer not to, and
if she's going to get better,

she needs to start
moving around.

Question: when you say,

"help" her go to the bathroom,

what exactly
are we talking about?

Whatever she needs.

All right, I'm gonna
say it out loud:

that really frightens me.

Come on, Douglas, grow up.

If Dad were still alive,
would you be comfortable

pulling down his pajamas
and fishing around for his... Okay.

All right.Just...

show us what
we got to do,

and we'll do it.

Christina, let's pretend
you are your mother,

and I'll show Douglas and Bob

how to put you
in the wheelchair.

Sure. Uh,

but how should I play this?

Am I waking up? Am I hungry?

Do I have go
number one?

Number two?

It does not matter.

I'm gonna say hungry
and number one.

She went to theater
camp in high school.

It was a performing arts camp,

and I made
some lifelong friendships.

I am in the middle
of a 15-hour day.

Can we please do this?

Sorry.Sorry.

Douglas,
lift your sister

to a sitting position.

All righty. Tell her what you are doing
as you are doing it,

so she can participate.

Mom, I'm helping you sit up.

You smell like reefer!

Bob,

move her legs to the floor.

Okay.

What are you doing?!
Don't touch me!

Sorry.
Mom, I'm moving your legs

to the floor.

Hear this?

Jackie Gleason thinks
I'm his mother.

ABISHOLA:
Now, on the count of three,

lift Christina up and put her
in the wheelchair. One,

two, three.

[quietly]:
All right.

Now gently lower her
in the wheelchair.

Ow!
ABISHOLA:
Oh, my God!

We'll do better with Mom.

Absolutely.

[groans]

["Ifanla" by Sola Akingbola
playing]

ABISHOLA:
Okay, Mrs. Wheeler,

I'll see you tomorrow.

If you need anything,
your children are here.

I don't want them.
I want you.

You'll be fine.

DOTTIE [over baby monitor]:
My children will just let me

lay around in my own filth.

ABISHOLA:
That's not true.

DOTTIE:
You don't know!

They don't love me!
They only love themselves!

She's talking about you.

Um, excuse me,
but I hate myself.

DOTTIE:
Abishola, can I ask you a favor?

ABISHOLA: Of course. DOTTIE: I've seen the way my Bob

looks at you.

Any chance you can give me
a grandchild before I die?

Ah, God.

Come on, Bob.

Before she dies.[laughs]

Hey, thanks for today.

We'd never get through
this without you.

You're welcome. And just so you know,

I kind of overheard that thing
my mom said about grandchildren.

You get that that's
just stroke talk?

Don't worry about it.

I'm not worried.

I... I just don't want
you to be uncomfortable.

I am fine.

Good.

She's really taken
a shine to you.

A shine?

Uh, she likes you.

Oh. Well,

it is not uncommon for a patient
to feel affection

for their caregiver.

That makes sense.

When you were in the hospital,
you did it with me.

No. I don't think that
was the same thing.

That was exactly
the same thing.

♪ You had the shine...

[both laugh]

Well, what about you?

After they put the stents in,
you sang me that song.

Are you telling me you do that
with all your patients?

Yes. My nickname at work

is Celine Adebambo.[chuckles]

I'm never gonna win an
argument with you, am I?

This is not an argument.Ah.

[shouting, whooping]

I am so upset
Angela dumped Chris.

He was a good guy.

He slept with Rebecca two hours
after he arrived in the house.

He's a douche.

So he's got game--
what's wrong with that?

Nothing. I just like
to see a little romance

on my Love Island.

WOMAN [on TV]:
Yeah. Thank you.

DOTTIE [over baby monitor]:
Douglas? Christina?

I have to pee!

Well, we knew
this time would come.

Yeah, it's what
we trained for.

You ready?

Let's do this.

Just so we're clear,

if I should see
my mother's genitals,

I will have to kill myself.

[giggling]

[chuckles]
Okay,

now you have
to do it to me.
Okay.

Where is this Love Island?

Don't worry about it.

You are not going there.

[keys jangling]

Good evening, Auntie.
Good evening, Uncle.

Hello.Abishola.

Your dinner is on the stove.

Ah, thank you.
I'll eat it at work.

How is Bob's mother?

Struggling.

It's going to be
a long, hard recovery.

Well, maybe that's
a silver lining.

You'll have more time
to spend with Bob.

Really, Auntie?
A woman has a stroke,

and you call it a silver lining?

Excuse me.
If Tunde's grandmother

had not drowned in a flood,
he and I would have never met.

I still think of
her when it rains.

All right,
mission accomplished.

Yeah, look at us:

Dottie's toilet team.[chuckles]

Maybe we should get
T-shirts made.

And hats.

So, what do you
want to do?

Uh, sleep, read a book,
watch some TV?

Thanks for describing
the rest of my life.

Tell you what, why don't
we watch some TV together?

[gasps] Oh, yeah!
Just like when we were kids.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, come on,
this is nice.

Yeah. We're
snuggle buddies.

You guys really love me?

Of course.Always.

Then run down the street
and get Mommy a six-pack.

Hey, it isjust like
when we were kids.

I'm not kidding around.

[door opens]

How'd it go?

Wonderful.

The yellowtail was a big hit.

You cannot entertain
important buyers

with supermarket muffins.

If they think you are cheap,

they will think your socks
are cheap.

Thanks for the tip.

Look, after my mom
gets settled,

I'll give them a call
and follow up.

No need.

We closed the deal.

What? You closed it?

Were we not supposed to?

No, I just didn't think
they were ready to commit.

They weren't, but Goodwin
smelled blood in the water.

He was like a shark who
sells therapeutic socks.

GOODWIN:
No.

Kofo here,
he was the closer.

They couldn't say no
after I told them

how he escaped
from a refugee camp

by hiding in the bottom
of a Porta Potti.

Wow, Kofo,
I never heard that story.

That's because
it's nonsense.

I flew here on Delta.

There was a six-hour
delay in Atlanta.

Very unpleasant.

I don't know
what to say, guys.

Thank you. Good job.

I'll make sure
there's a little extra

in your year-end bonus.

Actually, Goodwin
and I were thinking

more along the lines
of a commission.

Commission? GOODWIN: Yes.

Perhaps ten percent.

Ten percent? Okay,

no problem.

Seven and a half
and we all stay friends.

Five.

Mr. Wheeler,

Goodwin and I

are spicy tuna
on crispy rice.

Don't treat us like
supermarket muffins.

Fine. Seven.

You are too generous.

[door opens]

I'm leaving for work.

I just wanted
to say good night.

Good night, Mum.

Have you done
all your homework?

Yes. Good boy.

Did you get the grade
for your mathematics test?

I got an "A."

Anyone else get an "A"?

No.

Alone at the top.

Wonderful.

All right,

I should be home
for breakfast.

Aren't you tired?

I have no time to be tired.

Maybe when you're a doctor,
I'll take a nap.

Good night.

Good night, Mum.

♪ I got, I got, I got, I got

♪ Loyalty,
got royalty inside my DNA ♪

♪ Quarter piece, got war
and peace inside my DNA ♪

♪ I got power, poison,
pain and joy inside my DNA ♪

♪ I got hustle though, ambition,
flow inside my DNA ♪

♪ I was born like this,
since one like this ♪

♪ Immaculate conception

♪ I transform like this,
perform like this ♪

♪ Was Yeshua's new weapon

♪ I don't contemplate,
I meditate ♪

♪ Then off your, off your head

♪ This that
put-the-kids-to-bed ♪

♪ This that I got,
I got, I got, I got. ♪

All right,

see you in the morning.

Abishola,

I know
you are working very hard,

and I am proud of you.

Thank you, Auntie.

Tunde is proud
of you, too.

Tunde?

Oh. Yes. Uh, every day,

you impress me... That's enough.

Thank you, Uncle.

And with the extra money
I'm making,

I can contribute more
to what I'm paying in rent.

Oh. What a lovely surprise.

Good night.

Good night. Good night, Abishola.

[chuckles]
Look at that,

you didn't even have to ask.

I asked.

Were you not listening?

REPORTER: ...stocks extended
their gains Wednesday

amid positive views
on the sector from Wall Street.

But blue chips fell victim
to a setoff

after a two-session rally
that propelled the...

[whispering]:
Baby's asleep.

Finally.

Want to smoke
a joint?

Yes.

You know, I was nervous
about all this,

but we're doing
a really good job.

I agree.

I'm actually rethinking
adopting that Chinese baby.

You should. You have
a lot of love to give.

Thanks. Ever since
they changed my meds,

my heart's been really open.

Hey, instead of a baby,

what about a 16-year-old?

Then we can outsource
all the wiping and whatnot.

So you want me to adopt a kid
and make 'em a slave?

It's not slavery.

It's just chores.

Farm kids do it.

They turn out mostly okay.

[Dottie crying
over baby monitor]

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that didn't last long.

[sighs]
Should we go in there

or let her cry herself back
to sleep?

We better go.

[crying continues]

I can't get over
how helpful we are.

[crying]

[sniffles]

Hey.

What's going on?

I'm fine.

Don't-don't worry about it.

[sniffles]Mom, I know

this is hard right now,
but we'll get through it.

Every time I wake up...
[sniffles]

I think I'm okay.

And then I remember...

That you're really not.

Yeah.

That only half
of you works.

Yes, Douglas.

You know what,

this isn't forever.

At some point, you're
gonna get better.

We don't know when.

Or how much better.

But it'll happen.

Or not.

Please go away.

No.

We are staying
right here.

Hey, how 'bout we
do something fun?

Play a little
Texas hold 'em?

Yeah.

You love that.

Okay, wait here.
I'm gonna go get the cards.

[sniffling]

Can you... hold 'em?

A toast.

To closers.

To closers! To closers!

[chuckles][sighs]

I'll tell you guys,
if I had my druthers,

I'd fire Douglas and Christina,

make you both vice presidents.

To druthers! To druthers!

[chuckling]

You know, I can't.

They're family.
I got to look out for 'em.

You are a good man.

Family is
very important.

But so is having a
successful company.

You need to look
to the future.

Which is right
in front of you.

[chuckles]

Damn, you guys
are good salesmen.

Because we are closers.

Closers! Closers!

[chuckling]

[phone ringing]Mm.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Douglas. What's up?

We were just wondering
when you're gonna be back.

Well, is everything okay?

DOTTIE:
I can't do it if you're looking
at me, Christina!

CHRISTINA:
I'm not looking!

DOTTIE:
And I can smell the pot!

Don't think
I don't smell the pot!

It's not great.

Well, you're gonna have
to hold down the fort,

'cause all hell's
breaking loose here.

I'm not gonna be
home till late.

All right. Just please hurry.

You bet.

Another round over here!

[chuckling]

Hey, after we
close this joint down,

how 'bout we go for pancakes?

To pancakes! To pancakes!

[chuckling]

Ah, damn.

I got a weak hand.

Sorry, Mom.

I don't want to play anymore.

Smart, Douglas.
Real smart.

Hey, you're the one that told
her to shuffle up and deal.

I-I want to make
a phone call.

Okay.
Yeah, sure.

Let me just grab
a thumb here.

Oh. There we go.

Okay, who we calling?

That number.

Oh. All righty.

Oh, look.
You had a full house.

Lucky you.

I'm gonna stop talking.

Speaker.

ABISHOLA:
Mrs. Wheeler?

Help me, Abishola!

My children
are useless potheads!

That's not true.

It's not true!

It's a little true.

What is going on?

DOTTIE:
You got to come back!

I cannot do that right now,
Mrs. Wheeler.

I'm working at the hospital.

Christina,
take me to the hospital.

No, you do not need
to come here.

You are fine.

I will check on you
as soon as I can.

Don't bother! I'll be dead!

Thank you, sweetheart.

All right.

Try to keep the body count down
while I'm gone.

Gloria,

can I ask you a question?

Yeah,
make it fast.

Kemi's taking me out
for my first Nigerian food.

Oh.

Bring me leftovers.

I may bring you back
the whole thing.

So what's up?

I'm worried about Bob's mother.

What about her?

She does not trust her children
to take care of her,

and I cannot be there
all the time.

I don't know what to do.

I know what to do.

What? Nothing. She's not your problem.

You put in your hours,
then you bounce.

But I care about Mrs. Wheeler.

Mrs. Wheeler
or the sock man?

Bob has nothing to do with this.

Mm-hmm.

Forget I said anything.

Mm-hmm.

Please don't do that.

Mm-hmm.

You ready?

Mm-hmm.

O dabo.

O dabo.

What was that about?

Trouble at the Wheelers'.

Again?

Just marry the fat man
and get it over with!

[keys jangling]

[door closes]

Mm.

[chuckles]
Useless potheads.

Hey.

Shh.

She okay? Yes.

I didn't think you were coming
till this afternoon.

I'm not staying.
I just wanted to check on her.

That's really nice.

Thank you.

How are you doing?

A little hungover but okay.

Huh? You went out drinking
last night?

This is hard.

I needed a break.

It gets easier.

It's easier with you here.

I wasn't completely honest
with you yesterday.

Really?

Yes.

When we first met
at the hospital,

I did like you
a little bit.

I knew it.

You had the shine.

[chuckles]

You're sweet.

And you're a good son.

And sometimes you're funny.

Sometimes? Yes,

sometimes.
Don't push it.

Come on.
I'll drive you home.

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