Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Splitting the Hairs - full transcript

Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

That is a sexy pharmacist.

I'd like to take him twice a day

on an empty stomach.

Kemi.

Please, eh? Don't.

Don't what? Be happy for you?

I am just here to pick
up a prescription.

You can lie to yourself,
but don't lie to me.

_

Okay. On the one side we have the Bob.



On the other side we have Chukwuemeka.

- We don't need to do this.
- We shouldn't need to do this,

but this way you will know for sure.

- I know for sure.
- You are wrong.

Let's start simple.

Nigerian. That's easy.

Check mark for Chukwuemeka.

One to nothing. Hmm.

- This is a stupid game.
- Mm-hmm.

Handsomeness.
Another check mark for Chukwuemeka.

Ooh. Perfectly shaped head.

Double check.

Bob is handsome.

Compared to what?



Okay, well, what about "I like him"?

What about "he's not boring"?

And what about "he makes me laugh"?

Write those checks down.

I will give you the laugh one.

The other ones, not important.

Funny. Check.

Bob is still losing very badly.

Eh, he's a winner to me.

(SNORTS)

So that is it.

- You have made your choice.
- I have.

- You are sure.
- Yes.

- It is Bob.
- Yes.

- Not Chukwuemeka.
- Yes!

Okay.

Huh. Where are you going?
This is not your stop.

I have an errand to run.

- What errand?
- Abishola,

I stay out of your business,
you stay out of mine.

Next?

E karo, Chukwuemeka.

("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING)

Yeah, I can see
how that could be an issue.

Who's he talking to?

Family lawyer.

Same guy we use for my little problem?

No, that was a criminal lawyer.

Makes you feel superior to me,
doesn't it?

Well, between the two of us,
I'm still welcome in Canada.

BOB: All right, I'll talk to her.

Thanks again.

What's going on?

Mom never made a will.

That's no good.

No, it is not.

If she died, what would happen?

(SIGHS) Speaking for myself,
I'd be heartbroken.

Goes without saying.

What else would happen?

Well, for starters,
we might have to sell the company

to pay the taxes on the company.

That's not fair.

(MOCK GASP) You should call the IRS

and tell them that.

There's no need to talk
to me like I'm a child.

Then stop talking like one.

(MOCKING): "Stop talking like one."

What's the big deal?

So we tell Mom to make a will.

Are you volunteering?

- Sure. Why not?
- Great.

Go tell our mother,
who's recovering from a stroke,

that she has to make
plans for when she's dead.

Well, for one thing,
I wouldn't say "dead."

And what would you say?

I don't know, something more poetic,

like, "shuffling off the mortal coil."

Did you just come up with that?

- Shakespeare.
- Oh, yeah.

He's good.

Well, go ahead, then. Go tell Mom

she needs to make some
plans before she shuffles.

Fine.

Okay, you called my bluff.
I don't want to.

That's what I thought.
I'll take care of it.

So the "mortal coil" is,
like, your body?

Yeah.

That's very cool.

- (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
- Can we talk?

Well, it's not like I can run away.

Hey, I owe you an apology.

Really? For what?

I saw this thing on the news

about baby powder causing cancer.

Yeah, so?

When you were little,
I used that stuff every day.

Dipped you in it like you
were a powdered doughnut.

So, sorry.

Eh, you didn't know.

Now, the smoking when you were pregnant,

that's something you knew about.

What can I tell you?
I didn't want a big baby.

Clearly didn't stunt your growth.

Thanks for making this easier.

I was just talking to Goldfischer.

Our Jew lawyer?

- Mom!
- What?

He says it.

Listen to my phone messages.

"Hi. It's Arnie Goldfischer,
your favorite Jew lawyer."

- He can say it; you can't.
- Hey,

I was at his kid's bar mitzvah.
Gave him 500 bucks.

The little pisher never
sent me a thank-you card.

- Still can't say it.
- All right!

He has informed me that
despite his best efforts,

you have refused to make out a will.

Really? You want to talk about this now?

Look at me. I'm like a
marionette with a broken string.

I know it's an uncomfortable subject,
but we would have a hard time

holding on to this business
if you were to suddenly...

shuffle off your mortal coil.

Shakespeare.

Nice.

So if I were to write up this will,
what do you think would be fair?

Split up the company equally

between you, Christina and Douglas?

Well, I mean, yeah, traditionally,

that would be the way to go.

But you got to take into account

the reality of the current
management structure.

Oh, just spill it.

Douglas and Christina are dead weight.

You need to give me
control of the company.

Attaboy.

All right, let me think on it.

What's to think about?

Bob...

while my children may not be equal,

I love them equally.

Well, that's a beautiful sentiment.

Oh, good, you believe me.

Now go call Goldfischer

and tell him to come by next week.

Unless it's one of his holidays.

(SIGHS)

_

How you feel about Puerto Rican cops?

Excuse me?

My husband's partner just got divorced,

and he's looking to
get back on the horse.

And I would be the horse?

Only if you like grown men with braces.

On his teeth or his legs?

His teeth.
He was a thumb-sucker as a child.

He sounds quite wonderful,

but I'm trying to make it work with Bob.

No hurry. I'm guessing
he'll be single for a while.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Were you able to run your errands?

What?

Oh, yes, yes.

He's also a year away from retirement,

so you'd get a pension and a Winnebago.

Again, thank you,
but I'm sticking with Bob.

That reminds me.

Since you are no longer
interested in Chukwuemeka,

what would you think if I set
him up with somebody else?

Why would you do that?
He's so boring and arrogant.

Yes, you are right. But maybe there's

a woman out there who
can see past those flaws.

Someone with a lot of love to give

and enough frequent flyer
miles to take him to Aruba.

Are you interested in him?

Me? No. I was thinking of somebody else.

Kemi.

Well, maybe.

I haven't given it much thought.

Either way, I wouldn't do anything

without talking to you first.

If it's somebody else, I don't care.

And if it is me?

(SIGHS)

To be honest, I don't think
I'll feel comfortable with that.

Yes, of course. Good.

And you have to be honest.

Honesty is best.

It is me.

- I knew it.
- There it is.

Calm down, everybody.

Nothing has happened yet.

- Did he ask you out?
- He did.

But I told him I didn't
want to upset you

and I would talk to you first.

- It will not upset me.
- You said it would.

I said it would make me uncomfortable.

You said that, but your face was upset.

Well, if you're asking my permission,
I say no.

You are my best friend.

It would be too strange.

Okay. Well, then that is the end of it.

Yes, eh? That is the end of it.

Is not actually the end.

Oh, Mother Mary!

You agreed to go out with him?

So you lied to me.

Uh-uh. I was slow in
telling you the truth.

Now I am upset.

(SIGHS)

How you feel about Puerto Rican cops?

_

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY,
CHRISTINA CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

DOTTIE (OVER BABY MONITOR): Christina!

Come in here!

Aw, damn.

(LOW GROANING)

Get a move on!

Is everything okay?

No. Come on in. Close the door.

What's going on?

I don't know if Bob told you,

but I am drawing up a will.

Oh, Mom, no,
I-I don't want to talk about that.

You're gonna live a long, long time.

I can't imagine a world
where you're not a part

- of my every day...
- Shut up.

Before I die...

Can we please use a different word?

Honey, I just said "shut up."

Before I die, I want to know

the company that your father
and I built is in good hands.

You mean Bob?

I mean you.

- What?
- You heard me.

You want me to run the company?

Oh, Mom, I-I don't think I'm ready.

You're not.

But with the time I have remaining,

I could groom you for the job.

- Really?
- Really.

Sweetheart,

I see a lot of me in you.

I feel a lot of you in me.

So we just need to get
you ready to be a leader.

- Okay.
- A boss.

- Great.
- It's not gonna be easy.

You have to do exactly what I say.

Of course.

For starters,
you want people to respect you,

you need to respect yourself.

So no more whoring around.

Oh, Mom, you can't say that.

That's called slut-shaming.

Then stop being a slut.

And for God's sake,

no more dating musicians.

From now on, you only go out

with guys who are capable
of taking care of you,

not the other way around.

Would a deejay be considered a musician?

- Yes.
- Rats.

So, do we have a deal?

You do exactly as I tell you,

and in my will, I will make you

majority shareholder and president

of MaxDot Therapeutic Hosiery.

What about Bob and Douglas?

This has to stay between you and me.

They don't need to know
till after I'm gone.

You'll never be gone in my heart.

Okay, great.

Now,

before we talk about your clown makeup,

I need you to run over to my house.

And in my nightstand, next to my bed,

is a...

let's call it a "back massager."

Check the batteries and bring it to me.

If your back is hurting,
I can work on it for you.

No, you really can't.

Now go.

I just want to thank
you for this opportunity

and for believing in me...

Go!

Hey, Siri.

Call Douglas Wheeler.

- ♪ ♪
- _

Really?

You are being very foolish.

I'm just going to keep
talking until you talk back.

All these people will know our business.

Okay, then.

Yes, I should've asked you
first about dating Chukwuemeka,

but I didn't think you'd care.

You were afraid I would say no.

I was afraid you'd say no.

Is anybody sitting there?

She's sitting there. Are you blind?

Look at it from my viewpoint.

There is a single Nigerian
man with a good job

and a 32-inch waistline.

Yes, he's from the Igbo tribe,
and that is unfortunate,

but he's still Nigerian.

Which, in Detroit,
is nothing to blow your nose at.

You went behind my back.

What kind of friend does that?

A lonely friend.

A friend with a dead husband.

She's really not sitting there.

Yes, she is!

Abishola,

please forgive me.

I don't care about who you date.

I care about you lying to me.

(BELL DINGS)

Where are you going?

Oh, I have to run some errands.

Now can I sit there?

Do whatever you want.

So, this guy you guys
are fighting over, is he hot?

I'll stand.

So, we have an agreement?

You go back to school

and get a business degree.

Yeah, absolutely.

You don't sound very enthusiastic.

I am, it's just...
business is kind of boring.

You want me to name you
president of MaxDot,

you need a business degree.

Do I? Or do I delegate
the business stuff

to my underlings?

You know what? Never mind.

All right, I'll do it!

And you can't keep
smoking pot all the time.

Just weekends and Wednesdays.

- No more!
- No more!

And you find a nice girl.

Get married, start a family.

Okay, to be clear,
that has always been my goal.

Nice girls don't get paid
$1,000 at the end of the date.

How do you know about that?

You charged it to the company.

I had to send her a W-2.

She still on the payroll?

You want this or not?

I do. And, yes, I will find a nice girl.

But what about Bob and Christina?

This has to stay between you and me.

They don't need to know
till after I'm dead.

Which won't be for many, many years.

Sure.

Now, I don't know how much

time I have left,
so we need to get going.

Fine.

Hey, where you headed?

To get a haircut.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah.

I've made some decisions about my will,

and I think you're gonna be very happy.

Oh, okay.

There's just a couple of
things we need to go over.

_

So, when it became clear to me

that the future of pharmaceutical sales

would be online,

I began developing a website

And here is the part
where I'm very clever...

KEMI: Abishola was right.

He is so boring!

...over-the-counter
and prescription drugs.

Every time I recommend a drug,
I would get a penny

from each drug manufacturer...

His head is perfect.

If only it didn't have a mouth.

...if half of them ask my opinion,

that is a lot of pennies...

Maybe if I didn't listen to him,

we could make a life together.

...even after taxes,

this will make me a very wealthy man.

Don't listen, don't listen,
don't listen.

I will use my great riches to
help the people of Nigeria.

Oh, dear God, stop talking!

And maybe someday,

there will be a movie on the Netflix

that will tell the story of my humble...

It's not working!

I cannot drown him out!

...as a simple pharmacist
at a CVS pharmacy...

What have I done? I lost my best
friend for this beautiful idiot!

...or the Hulu!

_

Incoming.

What?

Oh.

I just came to tell you

that I realize our friendship
is more important than any man.

I will not be seeing Chukwuemeka again,

even though we had a
fantastic dinner last night

and enjoyed each other's
company very much.

You are lying again.

(SIGHS)

I am.

I told you.

There is a reason why
a man that handsome

still lives with his mother.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

Please forgive me.

I only want to be your friend.

I forgive you.

We must make a vow never to
let a man come between us.

I will make that vow.

- As will I. (SIGHS)
- Ah.

This is such a relief.
I hated being angry with you.

I hated it, too.

Especially after I realized

the only reason Chukwuemeka
went out with you

was to make me jealous.

Uh-oh.

"The only reason"?

Isn't it obvious?

When he saw that I was
not interested in him,

then he suddenly started
chasing my best friend.

Oh, I see.

So, he couldn't possibly
be attracted to me for me.

Uh, that is not what I'm saying.

That is what you are saying.
You know how I know?

Because it's what you said.

Is that not what she said?

Don't put me in the middle.

But that is what you said.

And how do you know he wasn't
using you to get to me?

Don't be ridiculous.

Why is it ridiculous?

I am much more fun to be with than you.

- Fun or easier to sleep with?
- (GASPS)

Uh-oh, again.

(BOTH ARGUING IN YORUBA)

E karo.

Uh, I wanted to jump in.
That's all I got.

_

Karo.

Karo.

How is your mother today?

She's all right. She's talking to

our lawyer right now about her will.

Oh, for when she takes
her well-deserved rest.

Now, see, that's a nice way to put it.

Why are you eating
lettuce with lemon juice?

Apparently,
I'm losing 60 pounds by next summer.

Good for you.

Yeah, good for me.

How have you been?

Not so great.

I had a terrible fight
with my friend Kemi.

Aw, that's too bad. I like her.

I like her, too, but she lied to me.

About what?

Um, a thing.

"A thing"? Oh, that narrows it down.

Can't you be a little more speci...

♪ ♪

_

A little wider.

Thank you.

Douglas?

Lick.

Very good.

Bob, seal.

(SIGHS)

Perfect.

Now, who would like
to run Mommy's last will

and testament over to Goldfischer?

- I'll do it.
- That's okay, I got it.

I should do it!

(MOUTHING): I got this.

I should've had a stroke years ago.

_

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

(TCHAIKOVSKY'S "ROMEO AND JULIET
FANTASY OVERTURE" PLAYING)

(RECORD SCRATCH, MUSIC STOPS)

Ready to go home?

Yes. I just need to get my coat.

Good. I will wait.