Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

As the team prepare to leave Afghanistan for good, Simon is devastated to find out that he will not be receiving a medal after all. This news sends him over the edge and during the team's last op to destroy a downed U.S. drone, he performs an act of valour which saves everyone's life - exclaiming that if he was killed, at least he'd get a medal! Simon then go's AWAL and as the rest of the team departs in a Chinook, he is hiding out in a cave in a delusional state.

Rocket?

Wake up!

Last day on base!

Our last breakfast.

I hope it's sausages
- no, beans - no, both!

No, souvenirs.

Time to nick anything
that isn't nailed down.

Let's raid the cookhouse.

What, and proff some ladles? You're
not thinking big enough, Rocket.

There are some pretty big ladles.

Private MacDowell, what
have you got there?



Nothing.

A souvenir?

Look, I get it. We
all want souvenirs.

I know how it works,
I'm one of the guys.

Sorry, Ma'am, but... you're
not one of the guys.

Really?

I know I'm "the boss", but it's
not like I'm actually bossy.

All right.

Open the bag, Mac. That's an order.

I can't believe you made me do
that, over some tiny little...

The X-ray machine!? Bloody hell!

What do you even want that for?

~ X-ray my balls.
~ What?

I'm going to open up my own
ball X-raying business.



"Ballbags - no ball too small".

~ Nobody wants their balls X-rayed.
~ I beg to differ.

Couldn't find any giant ladles,
but I've got beans!

Is that the X-ray machine?

Brilliant! Can you X-ray my balls?

So, Medal - what medal
do you think you'll get

for your heroic night-time
stabbing frenzy?

A Military Cross? QGM?

I didn't do anything that
any other well-trained,

professional soldier
wouldn't have done.

Oh, here you are.

Message from the boss -

meeting at 10.00 and then
a Survival Skills Refresher.

~ Training? For fuck's sake!
~ But we're sunbathing!
~ Quite right.

I can see you're all rushed
off your feet as it is.

Oh, and Medal - Colonel
wants to see you.

Roger that.

Pull up a pew.

You're all right. I don't need to sunbathe
- I'm hitched, remember? Job done.

What - and Mrs Towerblock loves the,
er... what is that skin tone called?

"Blind cave worm"?

Mmm - sexy! We work in EOD.
You know what that stands for?

Every One's Divorced.

Nah, me and the missus have
got rules, to keep solid.

I call her and the nipper every week

and she doesn't wear her leather
skirt down the pub. Sorted.

So, what's everyone doing
when they get home?

~ Your mum.
~ Fuck off!

What about you, Bird?

Head back to Didcot, catch
up with some of the guys...

shag some of the guys,

read A Storm Of Swords in peace.

Your folks not meeting
you off the plane?

Haven't even told them when I'm back.

Bird, that is fucked up.

I'll be too busy,

what with the Storm Of Swords -

and my reading.

Wahey!

Anyway, my sister's the favourite -

lawyer, lives in
Richmond, kids. Urgh.

Phone them. Seriously.

Haven't got any minutes left.
Used them all for admin -

well, shag-min.

There's 40 minutes on there.

Fine. I'll call them, just to prove
how little of a shit they give.

A microscopic micro-turd
- that's how little.

Ooh - it's done!

Corporal, come in.

It's about the medal recommendation.

There was talk of a QGM, but
I mean, what is gallantry?

One man's gallantry is another
man's raw instinct.

Just protecting the team -
didn't do it for the medal.

A very healthy attitude, especially
as you're not going to get one.

Fucking hell... sir... Sorry, sir.

They felt you didn't do
anything that any other

well-trained professional
soldier wouldn't have done.

Oh...

Sorry about that.

Bit of a boot in the nuts,
but just one of those things.

Is it, sir?

Is it?

It is. It is, it's, er... It is, sir.

You're a good soldier, Lansley -

and I'm sure your team are very
grateful. That's what matters.

~ I think if you...
~ Carry on!
~ Right...

~ Having some work done on it, sir?
~ Mmm.

Keep an eye on Simon, would you?

Had a bit of a knock-back, so make
sure the team show him the love.

Though not in a Thursday night way.

Sir.

Caught Mac proffing the X-ray
machine this morning.

For his balls, I presume?

.. Yes.

I hate having to be the villain.

I was just starting to
feel they'd accepted me.

Got to have a proper villain.
What's the first rule?

~ Have a proper villain.
~ Good.

They can't go round
nicking stuff, so...

If I were you, I'd focus on getting
everyone on the plane in one piece.

Carry on.

Ah, Boss. Um...

About this training...

Survival Skills? Essential.

It's the last day.
Um, with respect...

no-one's really up for it.

Bird, we're in a hazardous
environment. We need to stay sharp.

I think the guys do know that.

Oh, that's not my reading of
the guys, but you're the boss.

See you at the training. I'm really
looking forward to it, now.

Are you?

No, right...

Can't believe she took
back the X-ray machine.

I know.

I was hoping for radioactive balls.

~ Wait! Stop it, I'm having that...
~ I wanted that flag...

Fucking stop pulling
it, you bell ends!

What's going on here? Towerblock,
Get down off that table!

What do you even want it for?

I want to cut out the red bits.

But now, we'll have to go
and give it back to the CQ -

because apparently,
souvenirs are banned.

No...

I was going to say, why don't we have

a fun little competition, to
see who gets the flag? Yeah?

~ Can't I just take it?
~ Really, Boss?
~ Oh, Bird, we're...

Can't fucking believe it.

My parents are going
to meet me at Brize.

They were meant to be having
dinner with my sister,

~ but they moved it to the next
day - they can't wait to see me.
~ There you go...

We had this massive
heart-to-heart and...

Ngh, oh... They love me,
Towerblock. They fucking love me.

~ Of course they do.
~ I only joined the Army to piss them off.

My whole life has been a lie.
I'm such a fucking idiot!

You're not a fucking idiot.

You've only got two minutes
of phone time left.

You fucking idiot! I've
got to call my missus!

~ Ooh! Can I have the flag as a souvenir?
~ Well, actually, we're...

We've got to have some
gay competition for it.

You want flag?

I can get British flags
for all of you -

and American ones, which my supplier
has pre-soaked in petrol.

~ I want this one.
~ I have other souvenirs, including...

Faruq Sings The Hits That Rod
Stewart Also Sang, But Before.

Right...

Help me out here - I
have a thousand copies.

Oh, well - I'm sure we'll all...

.. bear that in mind.

So, the most awesome
souvenir wins the flag.

We've all got stuff, right?

OK, back here in ten.

Boss, what about the training?

Training?

Bore off, dulloid! It's the last day.

Let's have some fun!

Hey, guys! Count me in for fun!

I thought we were doing
Survival Skills?

Some of us already have those.

A couple of hexi blocks,
sharp knife...

I could live in the wild,
pretty much indefinitely.

~ You all right, Medal?
~ Errgh! Not "Medal" any more.

~ Oh, no, really?
~ Eh? I don't get it!
~ Shit, really?
~ You didn't get one?

Nope. I just heard from the
Colonel. But who cares?

We don't do this for medals, do we?

~ You do.
~ Mac, he does not.

Simon, I'm so sorry...

So, we can't call you "Medal" now?

Can we call you "Mentioned
in Dispatches"?

Errgh! Didn't even get that.

Can we call you "No Medal"?

You can call me whatever
the fuck you like.

We do that, anyway.

Well, Simon - as a fun team thing,

we were having a competition
for the best souvenir.

Why would I want to
remember any of this?

Simon?

Simon, look -

I know you wanted something
to happen between us and...

No, it's not that.

It's all in the past.

Well, obviously the medal
was a real blow...

That's fine. It's fine, it's fine.

You know? I mean, it's
not like it's even fair,

because you know who got one?

Captain Parfitt - Military Cross.

Parfo?

~ Bloody hell!
~ Yeah!

The big cheese who's married
to Charlotte, my ex, who...

Sorry, do you know him?

Er... we dated.

For a few months. It
was never going to last.

Yeah - cos he's an A-grade
arsehole, right?

One of those wanker
officers who just...

No, no, no, Parfo's lovely.

I left him, because I thought
he was too good for me.

He's brave, kind...

Well, today just gets
better and better.

Maybe my luck will change and
I'll get run over by a mastiff!

OK, guys, this is a postcard painted
for me by my last interpreter.

Oh, this is a doll I found...

Holy shit!

Towerblock, that's a mortar tube!

Well, it's something for
the kids to play with.

It's not safe!

Bird, that's a mine I have
never even seen before.

It's a collector's item -

just whack a "Free From
Explosive" certificate on it.

~ You can do that.
~ Yeah, I could do that -

if it was actually
free from explosives.

Mac, that needs a wash...
that's rusty and lethal....

that has its own clause
in the Geneva Convention.

~ No, I'm sorry...
~ Fine!

Some fucking competition this was.

Guys, you can't take these home.

This is a souvenir. These
are war trophies.

Leave them here. Sorry.

Rocket, the water bottle's fine.

~ Yes!
~ So this whole thing was a sting?

That is a very Rupert move.

That is not fair.

I didn't expect you to bring
me a bunch of rusty death traps.

What were you expecting?
We're soldiers.

"One of the guys", my arse.

~ Do you know where I could get
this filled with nerve gas?
~ No.

Oh, two minutes will be enough.

Cos you're solid, right?

~ Sat phone kicking about?
~ In there.

Towerblock, don't give
me the silent treatment.

All right.

Fuck off, Bird.

Hello? Is that Hibiscus?

I'm sure you're packed
to the rafters,

but is there any chance of
a table on Saturday evening...

Oh, are you?

I'm sorry about the line,

but I'm serving with Her Majesty's
Armed Forces in Afghanistan.

No, no, nothing we can't handle.

A table's just opened up?

Eight o'clock will be perfect.

Lieutenant Colonel Smith.

See you, then.

Cheers, Sir.

~ Carry on.
~ You like Rod Stewart?
~ Love him.

All right, love?

Yeah, I'm just ringing to...

Oh, is she?

Aw, bless!

No, don't put her on, I've
only got a couple of minutes.

So, I get back on...

What? No, well, I had to give
some minutes to Bird and she...

No.

No, she's not.

No, of course you're more
important than she is.

Get off!

What? No, she's...
No, she's not here...

Shagging her?

She's not even fit!

Ow!

No, I'll... I'll explain
when you pick me up.

What?!

Now, listen, no, you listen -

I paid for that fucking
Mini, so you'd better...

Great.

She thinks we're shagging.

Why would she think that?

Nice bit of kit that, sir.

~ I imagine you'll be sorry to see that go.
~ Mmm.

I'd imagine I would.

All right, mate?

~ Soz about the medal.
~ It's fine.
~ What's this?

~ "My childhood was a series..."
~ Not for publication!

~ You having another go at a memoir?
~ No.

A Foot In Death's Door II
- Two Feet In Death's Door!

Actually, Bird - I've
been trying to work out

where I've been going
wrong all these years.

Uh, it's basically stuff
like this, mate -

overthinking everything!

You need to get home and take...

There's nothing for me in Braintree.

Yeah, I can believe that.

Just get out of yourself, for a bit.

A serious bout of heavy drinking
- some extreme sports, perhaps?

Probably not in that order.

And see your parents. They love you.

Meh...

When Charlotte left me, I just
think they were so disappointed...

They love us... more than we know...

Mm. I'm fine, fine...

~ Anyway - I just think that...
~ There's a shout on.

Reaper drone's come down, and
we get to blow it up. Mint!

But we're all packed up. Heli's
picking us up four hours.

Oh, right! Forget it then -
just stay here, have a brew.

Oh, cheer up, Numpty! Take
it out on the Taliban.

Why? They're the only ones I
have no personal quarrel with!

Mac, stop that!

Perfect souvenir!

No, no, it's not - it's a war trophy.

It's not like you found a
piece lying on the ground.

Ooh! Let's not blow it up!

If we can all take a bit home,

we can put it back together
and fly it about!

Rocket, the enemy really want this,
so we have to deny it, ASAP.

I'm putting a three minute
fuse on these charges,

by which time, we need
to be 500 metres away, OK?

Now, give me 100 metres,
while I light them.

Go!

Oh, shit.

Go, go!

Fucking ambush!

Diamond 21, this is
Bluestone 42. Contact.

Enemies times five. We
are engaging. Wait out.

This is not a safe distance...
Shit! 90 seconds!

Boss, we're pinned down.

~ I'm going to leg it over
there, draw their fire.
~ Simon, that's insane!

Their AKs aren't that accurate.
I'll hide behind the berm.

You guys flank them, before
the charges function.

It's too risky!

Well, at least if I die,
I might get a fucking medal!

Holy shit!

Yoo-hoo, jizzbags!

On me!

Everybody down!

Look what I found!

Just lying on the ground.

Gleaming!

Simon, are we clear?

'Clear!'

That's it, then.

Can we go home now?

Good work, chaps.

Welcome back, Bluestone 42.

I hear Corporal Lansley
was the hero of the hour.

We wouldn't have got
back without him.

Me and Rocket's going to
make him a medal. The MRGM -

the Mac and Rocket Gallantry Medal.

Prestigious(!)

While I write him up for a real one.

Oh, and you've missed your transport,

but there's going to be another
heli at 19.00 hours.

It'll mean getting home
a day later, I'm afraid.

Fucking RAF!

You've all got an extra five minutes
on your phone cards to call home.

~ Carry on.
~ Five minutes to save his marriage!

Unbelievable!

Love, listen - please,
just let me explain.

Hi, Mrs Towerblock...

~ Give it here! Give it here!
~ Corporal Bird here. Lynda, yeah.

Just want you to know, I'm
not shagging your husband.

Yeah.

I bet he does.

Is it? Really?

No!

Oh! Here he is.

OK, then. Let's have it.

We are giving you... a medal.
You know, for your bravery?

It is the highest medal that can
be conferred on an Englishman.

The MRGM.

What does that stand
for? Medal for Really...

.. Gay Mingers?

Eh?

Fuck you, guys.

I saved your lives today and
all you do is take the piss.

Simon, they've stopped taking the
piss. They're showing you respect.

It's made of chocolate.

Funny, guys(!)

Really funny(!)

We were being nice!

~ Simon!
~ Boss, just give him a minute.

OK. I'll sit next to him on the
plane, have a heart-to-heart.

Right. OK, one more thing...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

No, no, no, like it or not...

.. I got the best souvenir.

Mac, there was no
competition, it was just...

Nice!

You said it would be OK, if I just
found it lying on the ground.

Yes, I did. But it's
not as good as...

.. this. The seeker head
from the Hellfire missile.

~ This is a thing of beauty...
~ Wow, fuck me!

I think I win. In fact, I'm
in charge, so I say I win.

Fair enough.

You're abusing your position
for personal gain.

You are one of the guys.

What, really?

I admire your balls.

If you ever need them X-rayed,

stop off at Ballbags.

Well...

because I'm part of such a great
team, I don't need this...

.. because I've the memory
of working with all of you.

So, Mac - I want you to have it.

~ Nah, lost my respect again.
~ Oh!

If you're just going to hand it
over, then I'm fucking having it.

I believe I win this.

Eh?

Well, if you look over there, those
boxes contain my Land Rover,

labelled and ready to be
shipped to my home address.

Best souvenir, I think.

You proffed an actual Land Rover?

That's completely...

A Land Rover? Did I say that? Oh, no.

Those are boxes of audio cassettes.

My only crime is loving Rod Stewart.

♪ We are sailing

♪ We are sailing

♪ Home again

♪ Cross the sea

♪ We... ♪

Your loss.

Bird?

So, is my missus taking me home

in that mini that I'm
paying for, or what?

~ Yes, she is...
~ Oh, thank God!

..straight after she's dropped
me off in Portsmouth.

You what?

Yeah, my parents aren't picking me
up again, cos of the flight change.

Apparently they don't want to mess
my sister around. Arseholes!

That's got to be like
a four hour round trip -

and then another four to Leeds!

What can I say? Me and your
missus really hit it off.

She's like the sister I never had.

You've got a sister!

..Who's dead to me
- as are my parents.

See you in the car.

Oh, shotgun!

Oh, when I get home, I'm
going on a Greggs-crawl.

Lucky you.

I'm off on a motoring tour
of the South of England.

Where is Simon?

Oh, good point. Where is
Simon? Anyone seen him?

He owes me 200 for certain items.

He swore me to secrecy.

Hexamine, sharp knife, stove...

Is he planning a camping trip?

Oh, shit!

~ Fucking hell!
~ Shit...

"The mountains will appreciate me?"

We think he's gone AWOL, sir.

Yes, I can fucking see that!

What happened to getting them
all on the plane in one piece?

~ Yes, sir...
~ Now I have to stay here and find him -

search parties, Special Forces!

I was meant to be taking
my wife to Hibiscus!

Fucking hell!

Op round-up, now -

I want the base searched and
an ops meeting at 19.00 hours.

Sir, we would like to stay and
help look for him. Right, Rocket?

~ Aye. We need to find him.
~ We'll all stay.

No, no, no.

The last thing I need is
"help" from Bluestone 42.

I'll find him, don't
you worry about that.

You scamps get on your heli.

OK. Well, sir...

~ Off we fuck.
~ No, not "off we fuck"!

Fuck off!

Fuck off onto the heli, then
fuck off onto the plane,

then carry on fucking
off out of Afghanistan.

Go on, fuck off!

~ He can't have gone far.
~ Aye.

He's only got wee legs.

The Colonel will find him.

.. And cut his balls off.

Or some locals will find him.

.. And cut his balls off.

Mac, not helping.

I'm kidding!

He'll probably be eaten
by wolves first.

I think a nice cup of tea, don't you?

Yes, Lieutenant Lansley.

OK, Captain Best...

.. Ellen.

We'll just wait for that to boil.

It's all right, Captain.

We're quite safe here.

MUSIC: Sailing by Rod Stewart

♪ I am sailing

♪ I am sailing

♪ Home again

♪ Cross the sea

♪ I am sailing stormy waters

♪ To be near you

♪ To be free

♪ I am flying

♪ I am flying

♪ Like a bird

♪ Across the sky

♪ I am flying, passing high clouds

♪ To be with you

♪ To be free

♪ We are sailing

♪ We are sailing

♪ Home again

♪ Across the sea

♪ We are sailing stormy waters

♪ To be near you... ♪