Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Whilst Tower Block resents being subject to class distinction Bird gets fed up with Mary and Nick constantly going on about each other and suggests they have sex to get things out of their systems. Unknown to her they plan to simulate sex and for her to walk in on them but the plan goes awry. In the event Nick tells Bird that he and Mary indeed had afternoon delight and bribes her to keep quiet by promising not to mention Mary to her again. Tower Block's effort to get one over on the colonel fails whilst the unfriendly rivalry between Simon and Mac becomes dangerous when they start playing a gun-based computer game for real.
OK, Towerblock. Don't take it personally,
but I'm going off comms.
Boss.
Hello.
Bloody 'ell.
Ripped By mstoll
Get down, soldier!
We need your help!
Shoot him in the face!
Nice shooting, Private.
- Oh! Oh!
- He'll need that looked at.
- Oh...
- Hey, guys.
- Ooh! So, what's this?
- Crisps.
Oh, the game?
- Metal Patrol III. It's brilliant.
- Right.
So, you just...just run around
and shoot people?
No, no,
It's a wee bit more complicated than that.
You have to collect stuff.
Aye, it's running around
and shooting people.
Looks pretty easy.
Just saying, because, er...
cos we're soldiers.
It's what we d...
So you're saying that
if someone were shit at this,
that'd mean they were a bad soldier?
No, no. You know, marksmanship, reflexes.
There's got to be some link.
OK, Mr Reflexes.
Let's see what you're made of.
I don't want to cut in.
- REME guy can wait.
- Hey, I've got a name.
Sorry. Screwhole can wait.
- Thank you.
- And Rocket's banned. He's too good.
So...
All right!
You ready, Skip?
Ooh, born ready. vigilant. Always.
- It's started.
- Right. Shhh.
OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!
Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
Are we, er...on the same team
or are we playing against each other?
- Mission failed!
- What? No!
- Against each other.
- He's Taliban.
Right. Puck's sake. Let's go again!
OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!
Yeah! Death or glory!
Mission failed.
Death. Screwhole's turn.
No, bollocks to him! GO on!
OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!
Nicholas Medhurst.
- How are things with you?
- Yeah, good.
Nearly got shot.
Simon saved my life again.
It's no biggie.
Wow.
Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing it.
- Nick?
Well, I mean, I know it's gonna come back
to haunt my nightmares In a year or two
but I'm just gonna make light of it
until then.
Nick, seriously, you don't sound OK.
- No, I do have some residual tension.
- Mm-hm?
Some...unrelieved residual tension.
- I'm not sure I like where this is going.
- Where do you think this ls going?
I think you're probably
going to ask for a handjob...
- Mm.
- ...Or something.
Before I choose, what's the something?
Do you know
I do actually quite like my job?
So I'm not going to throw it away
just so I can touch your penis.
OK, OK.
I'm sorry.
OK? I did nearly die
In a big pipe this morning.
OK.
How are you feeling?
I could really use a handjob.
- You brought it up.
- Go.
Oof! Oh!
- Just do your homework!
What a lovely way to unwind
after some war.
Stupid, stupid game!
Do you fancy a brew?
Boss, if you want me to make
a brew for you, you can just ask,
instead of dressing it up like a Rupert.
Cool! Brew, please.
I'm off to the ammo store.
I am sick of being given
the runaround by officers.
I mean, how do Ruperts get you
to agree to do everything for 'em?
Intelligence? A winning smile?
The basic chain of command?
Courtesy of Towerblock.
I presume he spat in it?
- Probably.
- Oi.
Oi, Bird, Bird.
I want to talk to you about Mary.
Do you mean you're going to crap on
about Mary while I pretend to listen?
She basically offered me a handjob
and then didn't give me a handjob.
Yeah , I expect
that's exactly what happened.
I still haven't had sexual intercourse
with her. What...what am I going to do?
Mm, OK. New idea.
Try...stop fucking going on about it.
- What?
- "Oh, Mary won't sleep with me!
"Do you think she likes me? Was she
checking me out when I had my top off?"
Boss, please.
Fuck her, or fuck off.
Well, in fairness, I am trying to.
- Corporal House.
- Sir.
How's the new Land Rover?
That's the 1.5, isn't it?
Yes. It's a classic.
Shame it's not wired for sound,
but you can't have everything.
It gets me from A to...just next to A.
So I don't really need,
say, an iPod dock.
- Well, you could easily fit one.
- Really?
Yeah. It's the sort of thing that
REME'd say is beyond their capability,
but you know what they're like.
No. No, I won't hear of it,
I'm sure you're far too busy.
Honestly, sir. Two-hour job, tops.
Well...
if you're absolutely determined...
Carry on.
♪ I'm wired for sound... ♪
Afternoon, Padre. Everything all right?
Hi, Bird. Fine. Yeah, and you?
Can I ask you a question?
- About the Bible.
- Go on.
What does the Bible
teach about handjobs?
What?
Ah, OK, you've been talking to Nick.
When do you think he's going to
stop trying to have sex with me?
Directly after you've had sex with him.
- That's very funny.
- Right.
Nick's permanent hard-on for you
is because of your unavailability.
So it's not because of my looks
or my personality?
Doubt it. So why don't you just
cut to the chase and fuck him?
I'm not going to, er...have sex with him
just to stop him
from trying to have sex with me.
What? So, you don't fancy Nick at all?
I wouldn't say not at all.
I fancy him a...a little bit.
Really? God. I am genuinely shocked.
A very little bit,
and I'm not going there.
OK, to be honest, if you were
to come on to Nick In any way,
he would probably run a mile, seriously.
- No. Really?
- Mm-hm.
Do you think?
But then what if he doesn't?
Because I don't know if I could do that.
But then if it worked.... Surely it's not
that simple. Or is it? Maybe it is.
Do you know the term "internal monologue"?
What?
Oh, yes. Sony.
Whoop! For the streets, for the kids,
for the crew! Towerblock.
- What?
- Fancy a game of Metal Patrol III?
You're never going to beat Mac.
- I'm busy anyway.
- What are you doing?
I'm just allying up
the Colonel's Land Rover.
- We've all been there.
- You what?
Let me guess.
He didn’t actually ask you outright?
No, but I...
I like messing around with cars.
Oh, bloody hell!
- I've been given the runaround again?
- Yes.
He knows everyone’s weak spot.
He had me making goat's cheese.
Right, well, in that case,
this can all come out again.
Yeah, that's what happened with
the goat's cheese.
Hi, Nick.
Hot, isn't it?
It's quite mild, actually.
Well, I think it's almost, um...too hot.
Ooh, hello.
- Mary, are you...?
- Shh!
You don't talk. I talk.
There's something I want from you, Nick.
Something I've wanted for a long time.
I'm not coming to church.
I don't want you to come to church, Nick.
Well, I do want you to come to church,
just not now.
I'm a woman. You're a man.
Looking at a woman...
who's looking at a man.
Mm.
So, you're saying that
we're looking at each other?
Yes.Yeah.
Do you like what you see?
I do.
Then take me, Nick.
Take me now. I am all yours.
Really?
Yeah, you and me.
Sexy times, right here, right now.
- Come on.
- "Sexy times"?!
- Chop chop!
- "Chop chop"?!
Let's have the sex
you keep going on about.
Yeah, I'm just going
to go back to "Really?"
Come on, Maw. What is it about this whole
scenario that doesn't quite ring true?
- Uh...
- Oh, yeah, I know what It ls.
The whole scenario.
After the way you've described me,
to my face.
- "Sex pest."
- just forget about all that.
- "Walking erection."
- Yes, all right.
"Spurting jizz-monkey."
Nope, you're right. That was Bird.
But you know the first thing
they teach you at ATO school?
It's to look for the presence
of the abnormal.
And there is nothing more abnormal...
than you doing this.
So, if you don't mind...
no, thanks.
You are kidding, right?
- I just don't like the atmospherics.
- Fine.
Well, you had your chance.
I'm not sure I did.
Let's take the fight to the enemy!
Yes. Come on, die, you little fucker.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Yes!
- Nice shooting, Private.
Rocket launcher. Oh!
A rocket launcher at that range?
The blast'll kill you.
Sir? Up late, Corporal.
Not like you to be playing silly games.
The, er...the game...
will develop...skills?
Whatever. Let's shoot some grunts.
Sir?
Er...the Allies or the Taliban?
Ooh, Taliban!
Sir.
OK, and, er...away we go.
We'll clear the village
and head up the valley.
The village is full of Taliban.
Be on guard!
Mission failed!
So.
Turns out you can use
a rocket launcher from that range.
Ah, well.
- Search team nearly done, boss.
- Thank you, Sergeant Hogg.
Oi, Simon. You all right? You look fucked.
Yeah, I'm all right. OK.
Have you been up all night?
Maybe, although I did finally
complete the bomb factory level.
The big bomb factory in the city?
There's a city? What?
He knows nothing.
Yeah, well, we'll see how much I know
when I fuck you up.
In the game. Sony.
Oi, Bird. A word.
You know Mary...
She is being...very weird.
Seriously.
Last night, she threw herself at me.
She came into my quarters
and she demanded "sexy times".
- I mean, what does she want, Bird?
- Presumably, she wants "sexy times".
Oh, come on.
I'm the editor of The Sexy Times.
I think if she was interested,
she would have subscribed by now.
Well, she did finally admit
she fancies you.
What?
- OK, all yours, boss.
- Wait! When was this?
Yesterday.
And you didn't tell me immediately?
Well, it's not like you need
extra encouragement
to pester her for a shag, is it?
So, last night...
...that was my chance?
Sh it!
Fuck!
- Boss?
- All right!
If I get blown up down there, having
not shagged Mary, I am going to be...
...really annoyed.
Right, I've got some serious pastoral...
shagging to discuss. S'later.
- Yes, boss, and hope you get past oral.
- So.
Metal Patrol?
Are you ready? Or do you need
a few more weeks' practice?
Oh, I'm as ready...as...
an oven-ready chicken.
Plucked.
Giblets out.
And this is not giving the effect
I was going for. Let's go!
- Corporal.
- Sir.
So the iPod dock was a no-no, then?
Shame.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir.
I've just had enough of being given...
- I mean, I...I didn't have enough time.
- Mm.
Probably for the be st.
REME were livid about you pissing
on their patch, to be honest.
Well, with respect, sir, I wouldn't let
those nut-fuckers near my lawnmower.
They reckon a decent stereo system's
Impossible, anyway.
- REME said that?
- Mm.
Honestly, sir,
that ls just typical of those utter...
But they are keen to install a few safety
features. Rollbars. That sort of thing.
Reckon they can do them
within a fortnight.
A fortnight?
You could do that in an afternoon.
Well, REME don't seem to think so. You
must have a gift for this sort of thing.
Oh, it's such a shame
you don't have the time.
Oh,well.
Carry on.
- Oh, hi, Nick.
- HI, Mary.
So, how was the... Mm.
Wait! No, no, hang on,
this isn't what I wanted.
- Isn't it?
- No!
A little bird tells me
It ls what you want.
Actually,
Bird tells me It's what you want.
Yes, because I want it to stop.
- Do you fancy me or not?
- Of course I fancy you.
You're hot, you're tall, you look good
In uniform and you're Incredibly brave.
- Wow! I fancy me now.
- Oh, you've always fancied you.
Well, I'm sure I can find room in my heart
for both of us.
No. Stop. Bird said that
If I came on to you, you'd run a mile.
- She what?
- She's trying to push us together.
- Well, good old Bird, eh?
- No, bad. Bad old Bird.
Are you sure?
Because I thought that this bit...
Oh.
...was very nice indeed.
Stop that.
Where is she?
I am going to give her
a serious talking-to.
Like she'll give a shit. Look, we should
actually do something to get back at her.
- Get our revenge properly.
- Keep talking.
OK. So what would piss Bird off
more than anything else?
I've often wondered that.
We should actually sleep together.
No, we need to teach her a lesson.
Yes, by actually sleeping together.
Look, Nick. I promise you
that is not on the table.
OK. We won't do it on a table.
What if we act all lovey-dovey
in front of her? She'll hate that.
Hm. Suppose.
- Let's do it.
- By "It", I hope you mean "sexy times"?
Again, no.
OK, well, if you change your mind,
I'm hot, tall, look good in uniform
and I'm Incredibly brave.
Kill 'em first. Ask questions later.
Show yourself, you bastard.
Come and get me. Von-hon!
Wow! Yous have been
playing that for two hours.
- Who are you? My mum?
- Keep It covered!
Die, fuckface!
- Daaaar!
- Yes!
Nice shooting, Private!
You snooze, you lose. Woooah!
So, who's the best at Metal Patrol III,
eh?
I am.
Er...Skip. Rocket's still the best.
If you want to be the best,
you've gotta beat him.
Er...I just need a kip first.
After that...
Chicken.
Buk, buk, buk, buk! Buk, buk, buk, buk!
Fine! Fine!
Fine. Come on.
Do you want another square
of chocolate, big bear?
I'd love one, snugglebums.
- Mm.
- Mm.
So what, are you two together now, eh?
- Yep.
- Is that really so hard to believe?
Well, A, he's way out of your league.
- Thanks, Bird.
- And B...
I'm supposed to believe
that this ls how you,
Nick Medhurst,
behave when you're In a relationship?
Yeah, it is, when I'm with my...
...schnookums.
Ah! You two are rubbish at this.
So unconvincing.
All right, see you later.
Rubbish.
Well, we tried.
She's gone. Sony.
Mission accomplished, soldier.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- In your stupid Scottish face!
- Aye.
Well played, Skip. Good game.
You said I couldn't win.
Well, fuck you, Mac. Fuck you, Rocket.
And fuck those guys over there.
Shh!
I think I need to sit down.
Rest the eyes.
Not today, thank you.
- I thought I was pretty convincing.
- You totally overegged It. "Schnookums"?
You called me "big bear".
Well, you're extremely ta ll.
I was working with what I'd got.
OK, what are we going to do about getting
our revenge for being messed about?
Yes. What about that?
She's only going to believe it
if she walks in on us.
OK, OK, so we get
someone to send her over
and then we're snagging when she walks in.
No. It's not enough.
She has to walk in on us having sex.
- Nick.
- Pretending to have sex, obviously.
I don't think that's a brilliant idea.
OK. Look.
She finds us over here, right?
But she can't quite see what's going on
properly because of the mosquito nets.
- No, that's not believable.
- Eh?
Well, the bed's not strong enough. Think
about the repeated up-and-down motion.
- Uh!
- Or...
er...we could, you know, go at it more
gently, you know, like a kind of slow...
Yeah, but we're trying to convince her
that we're in the early stages
of the relationship, right?
- So we'd go at it pretty fast and hard...
- Right.
...don't you think?
Yeah. Yeah, that's...
probably more believable.
Yeah, I mean really go to town
on each other.
- Mm.
- I don't even think we'd use the bed.
- This is solid, right?
- Ooh. There's only one way to find out.
Go on, lift me up.
Or do you need a diagram?
- Ooh!
- Ooh! Ah.
- Is that...is that believable?
- It, er...feels pretty believable to me.
Yeah, I...I think that works.
Yup.
But it doesn't give you
much movement, though.
Probably enough.
Yeah, but she'd expect you
to be more in control.
Wouldn't you just...
...bend me over the desk?
I might be too tall.
Have you got any heels?
Uh...bit dressy for Afghan, I find.
Come on!
Mm.
Ah...yep.
Mm. Nick.
- Mm.
- Oh.
Careful, Rocket.
Careful!
It's like Buckaroo!
I loved Buckaroo! And Hungry Hippos.
Oh!
Let's put plastic balls in his mouth.
Or real ones.
Where's Nick? Reports just came back
from the WISWO on that device.
WISWO. Shh!
- Ah, nice job.
- Cheers.
I think Nick went to see the Padre.
Course he did.
God, I wish they'd just fuck each other
and get It over with. It's too painful.
Ah!
Wait.
Weren't we meant to get Bird
to walk in on us?
- Yeah. Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, Nick. This was not a good idea.
- Knock, knock!
- Wait!
Right, if you two are going to try
and convince me of something,
it has to be plausible.
So, what, you just had sexy times on
the desk in the middle of the afternoon?!
Anyway, WIS report.
Aw, look, you've chucked books
on the floor and everything.
All that effort wasted.
Yeah, I can't believe
we thought that would work.
No. Yeah. Totally unbelievable.
Better luck next time, losers.
Rubbish!
Aargh!
Bang! Ha-ha! Yes!
Aargh!
Tank! Tank!
Shotgun, rifle, launcher!
Ta-pow!
Ah!
Ga me over!
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ah, mate!
Classic!
What? What? I need ammo,
I need ammo for the, er...
It's a hockey thing.
You were sleepwalking, mate.
- You snooze, you lose!
- No, I wasn't!
- Rematch later?
- Fuck off.
Ah.
Rollbar. iPod dock.
- Cocktail holder.
- Coffee holder, sir.
Of course.
Marvellous.
You, my friend, have just been played.
No, no, no.
The Colonel thinks that he's played me.
Ha-ha. But, actually, I have played him.
You see, I did all that
so I could get one over on REME.
And I fuckin' owned those guys.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oi! Screwhole!
- What?
- You said it couldn't be done.
Said what couldn't be done?
The rollbar, the iPod dock, all that.
What are you talking about?
Well, didn't the...the Colonel, he...
Oh, fucking 'ell!
Been given the runaround
by a Rupert again!
Oh! Poor innocent Towerblock.
Sometimes you need to learn to see
what's going on In front of your own...
eyes.
Holy shit.
So...
...nice try, Nick. Good plan.
Yeah. It's ridiculous, though, you know.
- Me and Maw, totes unbelievable.
- Mm. One thing, though.
If the plan was for me to walk in on you,
then why did no-one come and get me?
I mean, I just happened
to come In with that report.
So either you two
were standing around all afternoon,
looking surprised,
fumbling with your trousers, or...
No,we didn't.
Yes, you did!
I know what people look like...
No, I know what Nick Medhurst looks like
- when he's just had sex.
- Yes,
but Mary wouldn't, would she?
Because she would lose her job
If anyone found out.
So?
- What's it worth?
- Name your price.
- This cannot get out.
- OK.
I won't tell anyone,
as long as you stop
fucking going on about Mary.
Yeah, all right, Bird. But, look.
The thing is, I do need your advice,
OK, cos I'm not quite sure how to...
Zip!
- Bird, you're the only person...
- Zip!
All right.
I promise to never, ever discuss
Mary with you ever again,
starting from now, OK?
There. You got what you wanted.
Ah, you got what you wanted.
Yeah, I suppose, but...
But...what?
Was it bad?
Was she bad?
- Nick, you've got to tell me even/thing.
- Not allowed.
I promised to never, ever, ever
discuss Mary with you ever again.
- Oh, Nick!
- Zip.
- Really?
- Zip!
Bastard!
Ripped By mstoll
but I'm going off comms.
Boss.
Hello.
Bloody 'ell.
Ripped By mstoll
Get down, soldier!
We need your help!
Shoot him in the face!
Nice shooting, Private.
- Oh! Oh!
- He'll need that looked at.
- Oh...
- Hey, guys.
- Ooh! So, what's this?
- Crisps.
Oh, the game?
- Metal Patrol III. It's brilliant.
- Right.
So, you just...just run around
and shoot people?
No, no,
It's a wee bit more complicated than that.
You have to collect stuff.
Aye, it's running around
and shooting people.
Looks pretty easy.
Just saying, because, er...
cos we're soldiers.
It's what we d...
So you're saying that
if someone were shit at this,
that'd mean they were a bad soldier?
No, no. You know, marksmanship, reflexes.
There's got to be some link.
OK, Mr Reflexes.
Let's see what you're made of.
I don't want to cut in.
- REME guy can wait.
- Hey, I've got a name.
Sorry. Screwhole can wait.
- Thank you.
- And Rocket's banned. He's too good.
So...
All right!
You ready, Skip?
Ooh, born ready. vigilant. Always.
- It's started.
- Right. Shhh.
OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!
Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
Are we, er...on the same team
or are we playing against each other?
- Mission failed!
- What? No!
- Against each other.
- He's Taliban.
Right. Puck's sake. Let's go again!
OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!
Yeah! Death or glory!
Mission failed.
Death. Screwhole's turn.
No, bollocks to him! GO on!
OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!
Nicholas Medhurst.
- How are things with you?
- Yeah, good.
Nearly got shot.
Simon saved my life again.
It's no biggie.
Wow.
Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing it.
- Nick?
Well, I mean, I know it's gonna come back
to haunt my nightmares In a year or two
but I'm just gonna make light of it
until then.
Nick, seriously, you don't sound OK.
- No, I do have some residual tension.
- Mm-hm?
Some...unrelieved residual tension.
- I'm not sure I like where this is going.
- Where do you think this ls going?
I think you're probably
going to ask for a handjob...
- Mm.
- ...Or something.
Before I choose, what's the something?
Do you know
I do actually quite like my job?
So I'm not going to throw it away
just so I can touch your penis.
OK, OK.
I'm sorry.
OK? I did nearly die
In a big pipe this morning.
OK.
How are you feeling?
I could really use a handjob.
- You brought it up.
- Go.
Oof! Oh!
- Just do your homework!
What a lovely way to unwind
after some war.
Stupid, stupid game!
Do you fancy a brew?
Boss, if you want me to make
a brew for you, you can just ask,
instead of dressing it up like a Rupert.
Cool! Brew, please.
I'm off to the ammo store.
I am sick of being given
the runaround by officers.
I mean, how do Ruperts get you
to agree to do everything for 'em?
Intelligence? A winning smile?
The basic chain of command?
Courtesy of Towerblock.
I presume he spat in it?
- Probably.
- Oi.
Oi, Bird, Bird.
I want to talk to you about Mary.
Do you mean you're going to crap on
about Mary while I pretend to listen?
She basically offered me a handjob
and then didn't give me a handjob.
Yeah , I expect
that's exactly what happened.
I still haven't had sexual intercourse
with her. What...what am I going to do?
Mm, OK. New idea.
Try...stop fucking going on about it.
- What?
- "Oh, Mary won't sleep with me!
"Do you think she likes me? Was she
checking me out when I had my top off?"
Boss, please.
Fuck her, or fuck off.
Well, in fairness, I am trying to.
- Corporal House.
- Sir.
How's the new Land Rover?
That's the 1.5, isn't it?
Yes. It's a classic.
Shame it's not wired for sound,
but you can't have everything.
It gets me from A to...just next to A.
So I don't really need,
say, an iPod dock.
- Well, you could easily fit one.
- Really?
Yeah. It's the sort of thing that
REME'd say is beyond their capability,
but you know what they're like.
No. No, I won't hear of it,
I'm sure you're far too busy.
Honestly, sir. Two-hour job, tops.
Well...
if you're absolutely determined...
Carry on.
♪ I'm wired for sound... ♪
Afternoon, Padre. Everything all right?
Hi, Bird. Fine. Yeah, and you?
Can I ask you a question?
- About the Bible.
- Go on.
What does the Bible
teach about handjobs?
What?
Ah, OK, you've been talking to Nick.
When do you think he's going to
stop trying to have sex with me?
Directly after you've had sex with him.
- That's very funny.
- Right.
Nick's permanent hard-on for you
is because of your unavailability.
So it's not because of my looks
or my personality?
Doubt it. So why don't you just
cut to the chase and fuck him?
I'm not going to, er...have sex with him
just to stop him
from trying to have sex with me.
What? So, you don't fancy Nick at all?
I wouldn't say not at all.
I fancy him a...a little bit.
Really? God. I am genuinely shocked.
A very little bit,
and I'm not going there.
OK, to be honest, if you were
to come on to Nick In any way,
he would probably run a mile, seriously.
- No. Really?
- Mm-hm.
Do you think?
But then what if he doesn't?
Because I don't know if I could do that.
But then if it worked.... Surely it's not
that simple. Or is it? Maybe it is.
Do you know the term "internal monologue"?
What?
Oh, yes. Sony.
Whoop! For the streets, for the kids,
for the crew! Towerblock.
- What?
- Fancy a game of Metal Patrol III?
You're never going to beat Mac.
- I'm busy anyway.
- What are you doing?
I'm just allying up
the Colonel's Land Rover.
- We've all been there.
- You what?
Let me guess.
He didn’t actually ask you outright?
No, but I...
I like messing around with cars.
Oh, bloody hell!
- I've been given the runaround again?
- Yes.
He knows everyone’s weak spot.
He had me making goat's cheese.
Right, well, in that case,
this can all come out again.
Yeah, that's what happened with
the goat's cheese.
Hi, Nick.
Hot, isn't it?
It's quite mild, actually.
Well, I think it's almost, um...too hot.
Ooh, hello.
- Mary, are you...?
- Shh!
You don't talk. I talk.
There's something I want from you, Nick.
Something I've wanted for a long time.
I'm not coming to church.
I don't want you to come to church, Nick.
Well, I do want you to come to church,
just not now.
I'm a woman. You're a man.
Looking at a woman...
who's looking at a man.
Mm.
So, you're saying that
we're looking at each other?
Yes.Yeah.
Do you like what you see?
I do.
Then take me, Nick.
Take me now. I am all yours.
Really?
Yeah, you and me.
Sexy times, right here, right now.
- Come on.
- "Sexy times"?!
- Chop chop!
- "Chop chop"?!
Let's have the sex
you keep going on about.
Yeah, I'm just going
to go back to "Really?"
Come on, Maw. What is it about this whole
scenario that doesn't quite ring true?
- Uh...
- Oh, yeah, I know what It ls.
The whole scenario.
After the way you've described me,
to my face.
- "Sex pest."
- just forget about all that.
- "Walking erection."
- Yes, all right.
"Spurting jizz-monkey."
Nope, you're right. That was Bird.
But you know the first thing
they teach you at ATO school?
It's to look for the presence
of the abnormal.
And there is nothing more abnormal...
than you doing this.
So, if you don't mind...
no, thanks.
You are kidding, right?
- I just don't like the atmospherics.
- Fine.
Well, you had your chance.
I'm not sure I did.
Let's take the fight to the enemy!
Yes. Come on, die, you little fucker.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Yes!
- Nice shooting, Private.
Rocket launcher. Oh!
A rocket launcher at that range?
The blast'll kill you.
Sir? Up late, Corporal.
Not like you to be playing silly games.
The, er...the game...
will develop...skills?
Whatever. Let's shoot some grunts.
Sir?
Er...the Allies or the Taliban?
Ooh, Taliban!
Sir.
OK, and, er...away we go.
We'll clear the village
and head up the valley.
The village is full of Taliban.
Be on guard!
Mission failed!
So.
Turns out you can use
a rocket launcher from that range.
Ah, well.
- Search team nearly done, boss.
- Thank you, Sergeant Hogg.
Oi, Simon. You all right? You look fucked.
Yeah, I'm all right. OK.
Have you been up all night?
Maybe, although I did finally
complete the bomb factory level.
The big bomb factory in the city?
There's a city? What?
He knows nothing.
Yeah, well, we'll see how much I know
when I fuck you up.
In the game. Sony.
Oi, Bird. A word.
You know Mary...
She is being...very weird.
Seriously.
Last night, she threw herself at me.
She came into my quarters
and she demanded "sexy times".
- I mean, what does she want, Bird?
- Presumably, she wants "sexy times".
Oh, come on.
I'm the editor of The Sexy Times.
I think if she was interested,
she would have subscribed by now.
Well, she did finally admit
she fancies you.
What?
- OK, all yours, boss.
- Wait! When was this?
Yesterday.
And you didn't tell me immediately?
Well, it's not like you need
extra encouragement
to pester her for a shag, is it?
So, last night...
...that was my chance?
Sh it!
Fuck!
- Boss?
- All right!
If I get blown up down there, having
not shagged Mary, I am going to be...
...really annoyed.
Right, I've got some serious pastoral...
shagging to discuss. S'later.
- Yes, boss, and hope you get past oral.
- So.
Metal Patrol?
Are you ready? Or do you need
a few more weeks' practice?
Oh, I'm as ready...as...
an oven-ready chicken.
Plucked.
Giblets out.
And this is not giving the effect
I was going for. Let's go!
- Corporal.
- Sir.
So the iPod dock was a no-no, then?
Shame.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir.
I've just had enough of being given...
- I mean, I...I didn't have enough time.
- Mm.
Probably for the be st.
REME were livid about you pissing
on their patch, to be honest.
Well, with respect, sir, I wouldn't let
those nut-fuckers near my lawnmower.
They reckon a decent stereo system's
Impossible, anyway.
- REME said that?
- Mm.
Honestly, sir,
that ls just typical of those utter...
But they are keen to install a few safety
features. Rollbars. That sort of thing.
Reckon they can do them
within a fortnight.
A fortnight?
You could do that in an afternoon.
Well, REME don't seem to think so. You
must have a gift for this sort of thing.
Oh, it's such a shame
you don't have the time.
Oh,well.
Carry on.
- Oh, hi, Nick.
- HI, Mary.
So, how was the... Mm.
Wait! No, no, hang on,
this isn't what I wanted.
- Isn't it?
- No!
A little bird tells me
It ls what you want.
Actually,
Bird tells me It's what you want.
Yes, because I want it to stop.
- Do you fancy me or not?
- Of course I fancy you.
You're hot, you're tall, you look good
In uniform and you're Incredibly brave.
- Wow! I fancy me now.
- Oh, you've always fancied you.
Well, I'm sure I can find room in my heart
for both of us.
No. Stop. Bird said that
If I came on to you, you'd run a mile.
- She what?
- She's trying to push us together.
- Well, good old Bird, eh?
- No, bad. Bad old Bird.
Are you sure?
Because I thought that this bit...
Oh.
...was very nice indeed.
Stop that.
Where is she?
I am going to give her
a serious talking-to.
Like she'll give a shit. Look, we should
actually do something to get back at her.
- Get our revenge properly.
- Keep talking.
OK. So what would piss Bird off
more than anything else?
I've often wondered that.
We should actually sleep together.
No, we need to teach her a lesson.
Yes, by actually sleeping together.
Look, Nick. I promise you
that is not on the table.
OK. We won't do it on a table.
What if we act all lovey-dovey
in front of her? She'll hate that.
Hm. Suppose.
- Let's do it.
- By "It", I hope you mean "sexy times"?
Again, no.
OK, well, if you change your mind,
I'm hot, tall, look good in uniform
and I'm Incredibly brave.
Kill 'em first. Ask questions later.
Show yourself, you bastard.
Come and get me. Von-hon!
Wow! Yous have been
playing that for two hours.
- Who are you? My mum?
- Keep It covered!
Die, fuckface!
- Daaaar!
- Yes!
Nice shooting, Private!
You snooze, you lose. Woooah!
So, who's the best at Metal Patrol III,
eh?
I am.
Er...Skip. Rocket's still the best.
If you want to be the best,
you've gotta beat him.
Er...I just need a kip first.
After that...
Chicken.
Buk, buk, buk, buk! Buk, buk, buk, buk!
Fine! Fine!
Fine. Come on.
Do you want another square
of chocolate, big bear?
I'd love one, snugglebums.
- Mm.
- Mm.
So what, are you two together now, eh?
- Yep.
- Is that really so hard to believe?
Well, A, he's way out of your league.
- Thanks, Bird.
- And B...
I'm supposed to believe
that this ls how you,
Nick Medhurst,
behave when you're In a relationship?
Yeah, it is, when I'm with my...
...schnookums.
Ah! You two are rubbish at this.
So unconvincing.
All right, see you later.
Rubbish.
Well, we tried.
She's gone. Sony.
Mission accomplished, soldier.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- In your stupid Scottish face!
- Aye.
Well played, Skip. Good game.
You said I couldn't win.
Well, fuck you, Mac. Fuck you, Rocket.
And fuck those guys over there.
Shh!
I think I need to sit down.
Rest the eyes.
Not today, thank you.
- I thought I was pretty convincing.
- You totally overegged It. "Schnookums"?
You called me "big bear".
Well, you're extremely ta ll.
I was working with what I'd got.
OK, what are we going to do about getting
our revenge for being messed about?
Yes. What about that?
She's only going to believe it
if she walks in on us.
OK, OK, so we get
someone to send her over
and then we're snagging when she walks in.
No. It's not enough.
She has to walk in on us having sex.
- Nick.
- Pretending to have sex, obviously.
I don't think that's a brilliant idea.
OK. Look.
She finds us over here, right?
But she can't quite see what's going on
properly because of the mosquito nets.
- No, that's not believable.
- Eh?
Well, the bed's not strong enough. Think
about the repeated up-and-down motion.
- Uh!
- Or...
er...we could, you know, go at it more
gently, you know, like a kind of slow...
Yeah, but we're trying to convince her
that we're in the early stages
of the relationship, right?
- So we'd go at it pretty fast and hard...
- Right.
...don't you think?
Yeah. Yeah, that's...
probably more believable.
Yeah, I mean really go to town
on each other.
- Mm.
- I don't even think we'd use the bed.
- This is solid, right?
- Ooh. There's only one way to find out.
Go on, lift me up.
Or do you need a diagram?
- Ooh!
- Ooh! Ah.
- Is that...is that believable?
- It, er...feels pretty believable to me.
Yeah, I...I think that works.
Yup.
But it doesn't give you
much movement, though.
Probably enough.
Yeah, but she'd expect you
to be more in control.
Wouldn't you just...
...bend me over the desk?
I might be too tall.
Have you got any heels?
Uh...bit dressy for Afghan, I find.
Come on!
Mm.
Ah...yep.
Mm. Nick.
- Mm.
- Oh.
Careful, Rocket.
Careful!
It's like Buckaroo!
I loved Buckaroo! And Hungry Hippos.
Oh!
Let's put plastic balls in his mouth.
Or real ones.
Where's Nick? Reports just came back
from the WISWO on that device.
WISWO. Shh!
- Ah, nice job.
- Cheers.
I think Nick went to see the Padre.
Course he did.
God, I wish they'd just fuck each other
and get It over with. It's too painful.
Ah!
Wait.
Weren't we meant to get Bird
to walk in on us?
- Yeah. Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, Nick. This was not a good idea.
- Knock, knock!
- Wait!
Right, if you two are going to try
and convince me of something,
it has to be plausible.
So, what, you just had sexy times on
the desk in the middle of the afternoon?!
Anyway, WIS report.
Aw, look, you've chucked books
on the floor and everything.
All that effort wasted.
Yeah, I can't believe
we thought that would work.
No. Yeah. Totally unbelievable.
Better luck next time, losers.
Rubbish!
Aargh!
Bang! Ha-ha! Yes!
Aargh!
Tank! Tank!
Shotgun, rifle, launcher!
Ta-pow!
Ah!
Ga me over!
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ah, mate!
Classic!
What? What? I need ammo,
I need ammo for the, er...
It's a hockey thing.
You were sleepwalking, mate.
- You snooze, you lose!
- No, I wasn't!
- Rematch later?
- Fuck off.
Ah.
Rollbar. iPod dock.
- Cocktail holder.
- Coffee holder, sir.
Of course.
Marvellous.
You, my friend, have just been played.
No, no, no.
The Colonel thinks that he's played me.
Ha-ha. But, actually, I have played him.
You see, I did all that
so I could get one over on REME.
And I fuckin' owned those guys.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oi! Screwhole!
- What?
- You said it couldn't be done.
Said what couldn't be done?
The rollbar, the iPod dock, all that.
What are you talking about?
Well, didn't the...the Colonel, he...
Oh, fucking 'ell!
Been given the runaround
by a Rupert again!
Oh! Poor innocent Towerblock.
Sometimes you need to learn to see
what's going on In front of your own...
eyes.
Holy shit.
So...
...nice try, Nick. Good plan.
Yeah. It's ridiculous, though, you know.
- Me and Maw, totes unbelievable.
- Mm. One thing, though.
If the plan was for me to walk in on you,
then why did no-one come and get me?
I mean, I just happened
to come In with that report.
So either you two
were standing around all afternoon,
looking surprised,
fumbling with your trousers, or...
No,we didn't.
Yes, you did!
I know what people look like...
No, I know what Nick Medhurst looks like
- when he's just had sex.
- Yes,
but Mary wouldn't, would she?
Because she would lose her job
If anyone found out.
So?
- What's it worth?
- Name your price.
- This cannot get out.
- OK.
I won't tell anyone,
as long as you stop
fucking going on about Mary.
Yeah, all right, Bird. But, look.
The thing is, I do need your advice,
OK, cos I'm not quite sure how to...
Zip!
- Bird, you're the only person...
- Zip!
All right.
I promise to never, ever discuss
Mary with you ever again,
starting from now, OK?
There. You got what you wanted.
Ah, you got what you wanted.
Yeah, I suppose, but...
But...what?
Was it bad?
Was she bad?
- Nick, you've got to tell me even/thing.
- Not allowed.
I promised to never, ever, ever
discuss Mary with you ever again.
- Oh, Nick!
- Zip.
- Really?
- Zip!
Bastard!
Ripped By mstoll