Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

It's dangerous enough out thems-
without setting fire to the base!

What's the first rule?

Don't set fire to the base?

Don't set fire...exactly!

Well, in fairness, sir,
there was no real harm done.

The paperwork was safe in the ISO,

- and nobody was hurt.
- Oh,

that is good news. It would be awful
if Mac or Rocket had been singed

I presume
they're to blame for this debacle?

Well, I'll be investigating
the cause of this fire vigorously, sir.

How's this going to look when
the Secretary of State for Defence



arrives tomorrow?

Is he? Or she?

Five hours of standing around,
nodding, pointing.

- Tell me about it.
- Pretending to laugh at his stupid jokes.

- HTEA.
- HTEA?

- Having To Explain Acronyms. Awful.
- Mm.

Oh, and did I mention
you'll be looking after him?

- What?
- As a favour to me.

Since this whole fire incident
has really brought us together.

No, but, sir, I am on call for...

Yes, yes, if there's a device,
you must go,

but otherwise you're in charge

of keeping this prize-winning chump
out of harm's way.

And out of my way.



Sir.

Do that and I might overlook
this gigantic flaming cockup.

Carry on.

Do you want your kebab now, boss?

Yes, I do.

Ah! Hot! Hot, hot!

Ripped By mstoll

- OK, guys. Everything squared away?
- Yes, boss.

And by everything, I mean a bunch
of fire-damaged kit and ashes.

Why, Gloria?

Why?

Get that thing thrown away.

Boss, the fire safety on this base
is a shambles.

- What makes you say that?
- Er...

I did try and warn you about
the dangers of barbecues.

Faruq got us a goat. It needs eating.

I would like to volunteer to be

- fire safety officer for the base.
- Fine.

I'm ideal for the job because I'm used
to pre-empting danger with my hawk-like...

I said fine, Simon.
Go and see the Lieutenant Colonel.

I'm sure he'll be
just as excited as I am

Yes, boss!

Boss, there's someone at the gate
asking for you.

Oh, that'll be my Ocado order.

A bloke called Ahmed. Youngish.

- Friendly-ish.
- Bell-end-ish.

Unfortunately, he thinks he's on our side
so we can't shoot him.

Did I mention that he's an utter bell-end?

- Well, he seemed fine to me.
- Nah, I bet you anything he's a bell-end.

You can't prove someone-'s a bell-end.

Ten dollars. Within 24 hours,
you'll be calling him a bell-end.

- You're on.
- All right, Towerblock.

You can go and make your own unbiased
assessment of his bell-endery.

Oh, and, er...he may have
brought an IED with him.

His hobby is digging them
out of the ground to show us.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's weird. You know, we have the same
hobby and yet I still don't [Ike him.

Now, off you fuck.

Sony, er...Ahmed. The Captain's busy.

Well, this is OK.
The two of us, we can work together.

I wish to ensure the safe disposal
of these, er...landmines.

OK...good.

But we'd prefer it
If you'd just leave them where you...

Shit! Stop! Don't throw them around!
That's TNT coming out!

Chillax it, mate. They're old!

If they were going to go pop,
they would have gone by now. Am I right?

Listen, you total bell-end!

You...totally believe that
you're doing the right thing,

but it's probably best if we just
place them carefully In the pit

while trying to keep them level.

- OK?
- OK.

- Shit!
- Best of both worlds, mate!

I throw them to you.
You place them carefully In the pit. OK?

Mary, you look more fragrant than ever.

- I'm not showing the Minister around.
- Oh, come on, Mary.

I've got 1,025 more important things to do

than baby-sit a PONTI
for the next five hours.

So have I! I...
What did you call him? PONTI?

P-O-N-T-I.
Person Of No Tactical Importance.

Well, that's about right,
because if I have to look after him,

I'll end up punching the Tory twat
In his stupid Tory face.

Wow! Did not see that one coming.

Bloody Tories, cutting benefits
and cutting taxes for the rich

and cutting the Army
and taking the Lib Dems down with them.

Well, you're foxy when you're cross.
We should talk about politics more often.

Let's have a steamy night in
and talk about foreign policy.

- Nick! This does actually matter.
- Sure it does.

- It does.
- No, I'm agreeing.

No, you're not.
Anyway, who do you vote for?

- You do vote, right?
- Yeah, I vote.

I voted for...
Who was the hot girl on XFactor?

Bye, Nick.

Sir, in view of recent events,

I would like to volunteer to be
the fire safety officer for the base.

Fine.

I'm ideal for the job because
I'm used to pre-empting danger with...

I said fine. Talk to the CQMS.
He might have some equipment...

- Sir.
- ...Or a special hat.

Why do ministers
insist on visiting Afghanistan?

Why don't they just watch Ross Kemp,
[Ike anyone else?

And they always drive off the heli
In a natty little Land Rover.

I'm a lieutenant colonel and I don't have
a natty little Land Rover.

Are you saying you want a Land Rover, sir?

What's the first rule? Get a Land Rover.

See?

Good morning, Colonel.

I'm the Minister.

Don't take the fucking piss, mate.

I think I know who
the Secretary of State for Defence ls.

Uh...
I'm the Minister for the Armed Forces.

- Colin Walters.
- Welcome to the base, sir.

- Please excuse my earlier comments.
- Don't worry. It happens all the time.

- I'm new.
- Ha-ha-ha!

Lieutenant Colonel Smith.

This is Captain Medhurst,

who has generously volunteered
to look after you

for the few short hours
we're delighted you could spend with us.

Much obliged. Oh, Tim,
write these names down, please.

Er...this is Corporal House, sir.

- Sir.
- House.

- And Corporal Bird, sir.
- Bird.

Lance Corporal Simon Lansley.

Fire safety officer.

Which, as you can see, is going very well.

Minister, can I get you a brew?

Yes, a brew would be lovely. Thank you.

So, jenny got moved to Transport,

Neil got done for expenses,

and the next thing was,

I got a call saying, "Fancy being
Minister for the Armed Forces?"

- What an inspiring stow!
- It's...

it's quite funny when you think about it.
I wasn't even a Cub Scout.

And it is all one big game of Cubs
out here.

Aye. Dyb, dyb, dyb. Step, step, bang.

Oh, surly... No, I...

Look, I really need to see
the full picture. Hm?

I need to see the grit.
The muck. The danger.

Sir, I've been tasked with keeping you
out of harm's way so I...

No, no, no, no.
I want to be In harm's way.

Yeah, it's just I hear that
getting your legs blown off

isn't quite as fun as you'd first imagine.

What I meant was, I just want
to see something go bang, mm?

But you're right. What I'm really here for
is to find out what you guys want from us.

Tim?

- Better food.
- Yes.

Oh, more food.

Relocation of the entire war to Tuscany.

That's good, that's good.
Don't write that down, Tim.

Er...maybe you could show me
around the base, hm?

Then we can see where we get to.

We'll just get to
a different bit of the base.

Ooh! Ah, boss. Permission to deliver a
fire safety lecture at a suitable time...

- Denied.
- In case of emergency,

shout, "Fire, fire, fire."
Sounds reasonable?

Except in a war zone,
where we all have weapons.

- Oh, yes. Good point.
- Mm.

Thank you, Fire Officer Lansley.

Who took... No.

Oh, hi, Mary.
I literally had no Idea you'd be In here.

Ah, the Padre in the chapel.
What are the chances?

Look, if it's about that Tony twat again,
I've already told you... Oh!

- Gosh! Hello!
- Hello!

- Reverend Maw Greenstock.
- Nice to meet you. I'm Colin Walters.

Walters, yes, I know. Yeah.
Lib Dem member for Croydon West.

What's all this? You know him, then?
Oi-oi!

No. No. No, not personally. Well, I wish!

No, I mean, I know his...your work.
I know your work.

He's a Methodist lay preacher
and a tireless social justice campaigner.

Well, good news, Minister. We appear
to have flushed out your stalker.

Oh! Stalker!

By the way, the photo on your website,
It doesn't do you justice.

- Seriously?!
- Oh.

Well, I'm, er...I'm sure

that if the Chaplains' Department wanted
someone to put on their, er...website,

they couldn't do better than you, Padre.

Minister.

Er...look, why don't I show
the Minister around?

Cos I think Nick must have...
ooh, 1,023 things to do.

No, actually, no.

Boss, we've got a shout on.
Suspected IED In Yellow 15.

- 1,024 now.
- Oh, you must go.

No hurry.
The, er...bomb'll still be there.

But what if somebody steps on it?

Then it won't be there. Problem solved.

Fine. I'll do the bomb.

Ooh! When we get back,
let's eat the rest of that meat.

No more barbecues!

That's an order
from the fire safety officer.

But we've still got three quarters of
our goat left, and It's no' that nice raw.

I don't care! No more barbecues!

What if...

we didn't cook it on a barbecue?

You want tandoor?

What's a tandoor?

A clay oven. Very hot fire.
Bury It In the ground.

Kebabs. Delicious.

- We should get that.
- I find one for you.

We shall agree. 100 dollars.

- I'll give you 20.
- Done.

What was that?
What were you selling him?

Porn.

Right, Towerblock.

This device is...oh...

it's very unstable, so I think
we're going to have to blow it in situ.

But what about collecting evidence
for forensics?

OK, fine, if we have to. But...

...gotta work fast,
cos we're losing the light.

Er...yeah, good point.

It does always get dark around noon

At least I think it says noon. The sun's
so blindingly bright, I can't quite...

Yes, all right. I have to get back
to get the PONTI away from Mary.

- Ah.
- Ah. Probably too late.

He'll be bending her over the altar
as we speak.

- I'm saying they're fucking.
- Yes, all right!

Boss, I see movement!

- Something is happening.
- Oh, glad we're paying extra for detail.

Cover!

- Do not engage until PID!
- Do not engage until PID.

Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42.
Contact. Wait out.

- Who the fuck is that?
- Do not engage!

It's Ahmed!

- I thought he...
- Oh, fucking hell!

Ahmed!

Stop shooting your fucking gun!

Taliban!

He says the Taliban can lick his balls!

I can see them!
The Taliban, not his balls.

Tree line, two o'clock!

Ahmed, you have to stop doing this.

But, Bluestoners, I came to help
my new friend Towerblock!

We make an awesome team.

There you go, Towerblock.
Some training on handling locals.

Why don't you outline
the rules of engagement to Ahmed

so I don't have to punch him in the face?

Er...OK. Ahmed.

If you want to get involved,
you need to join the ANA.

Ahmed, why don't you share your views

on the Afghan National Army
with Towerblock here?

They can lick my balls!

He seems really keen
on people licking his balls.

Maybe he doesnae have a shower.

What you're doing fucks up
the rules of engagement.

We need positive ID before we return fire.

Ha-ha! This is what I like about
the British. They're all about the jokes!

My most favourite comedian
is Michael McIntyre.

And, er...
what's your favourite joke of his?

Oh! Ha-ha! The first time I heard him,
I thought, "Yes! I, too, have man drawer!"

And, er...what do you keep in it?

Grenades.

Course you do.

See? A massive end of a gigantic bell.

Oh, it's lovely talking to you.

- Sir!
- Hi, Nick.

Padre. Sir, if I could peel you off Many
for just one moment.

I'm about to conduct
a logistical demolition

and I wondered if you would like
to spend your last hour with us

watching something go bang.

Ooh. That sounds good. Mary, do you mind?

- Mary?
- No, of course not. No, no.

You're the boss. Er...literally.

Sorry. Silly.

No, I'm just
the Minister for the Armed Forces.

- Ooh.
- I can't even start a war.

Well, that's something. Shall we?

Ah, Private, could you hop out
so I can borrow this vehicle?

- Er...no, sir.
- I beg your pardon?

Er...this vehicle is for the exclusive use
of the Minster, sir.

The Minister's not here, is he?
So be a good chap and hop out, Private.

Sony, sir.
Specific orders from Brigade HQ.

Well, I'm a lieutenant colonel, so just
put those orders to one side. Temporarily.

Sony, sir.

Can't I just have a tiny go in it?

A tiny, tiny go?

Please? Come on.

Please? Superior officer please?

You've made yourself
a powerful enemy, Private.

That should do it.

Boss, the Colonel said
to keep him out of harm's way.

This is out of harm's way...ish.

And it's out of Mary's way.

I saw how much serviceable explosive
you used.

They're going to hear this in Kabul.

Fuck it! I've got to stop him
slithering Into Mary's affections

like some kind of tiresome,
parasitic worm.

Oh...

Right. Time for some fireworks.

I mean the safe disposal of ordnance
in a controlled environment.

Can I press the button?
Can I press the button?

Towerblock, we have guests.

Sony. Um...sir, would you like
to press the button?

- Yes, please.
- Everyone In cover!

Stand by!

Controlled explosion in seconds one Zero!

- OK, sir, if you wait for the countdown.
- Ten!

- Then push these two together.
- Nine!

Eight! Seven!

- Six!
- Should have a bit of a kick.

- Five!
- I bumped up the donor charges by 10%.

Four! Three!

- But I already did that.
- Two! One!

- Oh, Shit.
- Firing!

Oh, yes!

- Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- So, Minister,

- this is what we do.
- Wow. Fantastic.

Shame you can't stay longer. We could've
taken you out Into the field with us.

- Do you really mean that?
- Of course.

- Tim.
- Mm?

Cancel my meetings for tomorrow.

I'm staying with Bluestone 42.

Oops.

And how long does he think
he's staying for? A week? A lunar month?

- Well, I hope it's...
- Shut up!

Medhurst, you are without doubt

one of the least professional officers
I've ever had the misfortune to meet!

And I've been on joint ops
with the French!

Sir, in fairness, he did specifically
request to see a controlled demolition.

Oh, then since you're in a generous mood,
I'm specifically requesting

that you baby-sit that tiresome clot
until he leaves,

at which point you will be
on shit-burning duty

- for the next six months.
- Sir.

Now, if you'd be so kind as to shut the
door as you get the fuck out of my office.

- Is it ready yet?
- We've got to keep It at 400 degrees.

Right.

Wood.

Paraffin.

What are you two, er...

Can I smell burning?

- Cookhouse, Skip.
- Mm.

It smells like a barbecue.

Aye.

Aye, it does a bit, doesn't it?

I can nae see a barbecue, though, Skip.

- Mm.
- Must just be the cookhouse.

Fuck!

Why is the ground on fire? Fire!

- Watch out! No, no, no!
- Oh, God!

- Gaagh!
- That's paraffin!

Aagh! Right!

Get that put out!

I'm going to seek medical advice!

Right. I'm up to my chin in shit with
the Colonel. That shit ls rapidly rising.

If we can't get rid of this PONTI soon,

then that shit is going to go above my
head and I'm going to be swimming In shit.

Towerblock, I need you
to call your bezza, Ahmed.

- He's not my bezza.
- He's a bell-end. You'll see.

Whatever. At least he's reliably deranged.

What you've got to do
is you've got to tell him

to bring in something
that looks like a massive device

so the PONTI is evacuated.

You know,
like a couple of palm oil containers,

flour sacks taped together
in the back of his car, bit of old wire.

That's a terrible idea.

The gate guards
won't let him just drive It In.

Everybody watched
Zero Dark Thirty la st week,

and that's exactly what happens in that.

Is it? Which bit?

The bit where they drive
the car bomb into the base.

Oh. Yeah. That's my favourite bit.

- I never saw it. Was it any good?
- Really good.

- I liked the car bomb bit.
- Bit boring. Bit boring.

Er...can we just focus here, please?
We will tell the gate guards

that he has just been cleared
as a locally employed civilian.

You will then pretend to check the car,
then wave him through.

- OK, boss, if you're sure.
- Yeah.

Just tell him we need something
that looks like a massive device.

Massive device, but not real.

Obviously not real

Holy fucking shit!
Are you fucking insane?!

I asked for a fake device.

I know, but I found a real one, mate,
so brought you that Instead.

You didn't think to tell us that before we
let you drive the fucking thing In here?

I could drive it out again.

It's not safe!

- It might be.
- Everything all right?

- It looks good, doesn't it?
- There's a reason for that.

Oh, shit.

I thought...you searched...the car.

I pretends-lite search the car!

Yes, but while you were
pretending to search the car,

I thought that you might
have noticed there was a...

Doesn't matter. Look, it's too late now.

Just get my kit.

We'll set up an ICP over there,
evacuate to the perimeter

and we'll just tell everyone that there is
a suspicious-looking device...

...in the car.

- OK?
- Yeah, OK.

- What am I going to do?
- Not smoke!

Bell-end!

- So, are we on?
- Yeah.

Slight development.
The bomb's real. It's a real bomb.

- What?
- I thought It was a fake bomb.

Yeah, so did I. Turns out it's a real one.

Hang on! Hang on, hang on, hang on.

If the bomb that was meant to be fake
is actually real, then nothing's changed.

There's no trouble. We still evacuate
the Minister. Everything's OK.

Yes, Simon, everything's OK,

apart from the socking great bomb right
there that could flatten most of the base.

- Oh,yeah.
- Good morning, chaps.

Has anyone seen the Padre?

- Nope.
- on.

I hope I didn't frighten her off.

Is everything all right?
Or is this some sort of drill?

Funny story, Minister.

That is, um...if you like stories that
end with, "There's a bomb in that car."

- A bomb?
- Yeah.

Is it going to go off?

No. Milk goes off. Cheese goes off.

Bombs function, detonate...

or destroy the entire base.

Right. But what is it
even doing in the base?!

Haven't you seen Zero Dark Thirty?

- Aye, it was shite.
- You knew what was gonna happen.

Yes, all right!
To sum It up, It's a firm three stars.

Look, I'm surly, Minister,

but I'm afraid we're going to have to get
you In a hell while I do a render safe.

I already
took the liberty of ordering one.

It's the Afghan Air Force, so good luck.

Shall we wait over here?

OK.

Right. Let's hope I can sort this out
quickly before the Colonel finds out.

Oh.

Might just be me, but it seems
this whole area ls being evacuated.

Yeah, sir, if I could explain.
Um...that car...

Don't drive a fucking car bomb
Into the fucking base!

That's not even the first rule,
It's so fucking obvious!

Sir.

Deal with that, then come and see me.

I'm going to personally make sure
that you're moved

to the shittiest desk job in the Army,
where even the desk is made of shit.

Ooh.

Awkward! Heh.

How long until the chopper gets here?

I really want to say goodbye to Maw
before I leave.

Oh, feel free to pop out, sir,
and find her.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, just take a left at the car bomb.

Hey, Bluestoners!

No cigarettes in here!
This is live ammunition.

Would a joint be OK? I feel kinda tense.

Roger that. Out.

- Taxi for the Minister.
- Thank God.

I can't take any positive action
while the heli's there!

- Tell him he's clear to land!
- Boss.

- Are we safe here?
- How d'ye mean, safe?

Well, if the bomb were to, er...detonate,
what would happen?

- What, here?
- Yeah.

We'd die.

Aye.

Definitely.

Die.

Shit!

Let's do this.

OK, Towerblock,
you can sound the all clear.

Nick, this wasn't all just to get
that PONTI away from me, was It?

No.

Oh, so you normally let car bombs
onto the base, do you?

One showing of Zero Dark Thirty
and suddenly everyone's an expert!

Well, if it was to get rid of him,
you needn't have bothered.

Last night he told me
he's about to defect to the Tories,

just to keep his majority
at the next election.

I...I thought he had principles.

It's just another Green stock hope dashed.

- Sorry.
- No, you're not.

No, you're right, I'm not.

So you didn't shag him, then?

- All done?
- Yeah.

Look, as much fun as this has been,

I think I'm going to be back in the UK
before the Minister.

The Colonel wants to make
a bag-for-life out of my arse.

That's odd,

cos you may have noticed that
the Minister was evacuated

in a heli rather smaller
than the one that brought him here.

Too small, in fact, to fit that in it.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

No, Oh, no, no! This is not safe!
Get this all cleared up!

- Aw, come on.
- We're having our morning shish!

- Where is he?
- Sir?

That utterly useless
soon-to-be-Lieutenant Medhurst.

He seems...

Sir.

What, um...?

It's a Land Rover.

So it is, sir.

So it is.

Thank you, Captain Medhurst.
I knew I could rely on you.

And Bluestone 42. Er...carry on.

Yumbles.

You know what, Towerblock? You should
have really searched that car better.

I'd left all these grenades
In the glove box.

Right. Give 'em here.
I'll put them In the pit by the gate.

No. It's OK, mate.

I'll put them...in the pit by the gate.

No, not "in the pit by the gate".

In the pit by the gate!

Sure! Funny!

Ahmed, you fucking bell-end,
just do what I...

Ah.

Thank you.

Not by the grenades!

Oh! Er...fire!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Ripped By mstoll