Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

Weapons Intelligence aren't usually late.

- We could give it another five.
- You did ask them to come.

Yes, I did, and yet WISWO came there none.

WISWO!

I just like the word.

WISWO!

Well, it doesn't sound like
he's a Weapons Intelligence guy, does It?

Sounds like he's a wizard. Whiz!

And he's just done something amazing!
Whoa!

WISWO!

Your life in his hands. Incredible.



Right, life's too short.
I'm going down there.

Boss on the move!

Boss, we've got some chat on ICOM.

What are they saying?

The donkey is walking towards the tiger.

What? Oh, shit. Boss?

Boss, get out of there.

The donkey runs like a girl.

Just kidding. Ha-ha!

- Well?
- They're saying the donkey...

was walking towards the tiger.

- You must be the donkey, boss.
- Yes, I...

- And the tiger is...
- The bomb.

Well done for cracking
that impenetrable Taliban code



OK. So, what does this mean?

- Remote initiation? A command wire?
- Yeah.

But the search team's already had a
poke about and didn't find anything, so...

It could be along a linear feature.

A linear feature! He's learning!

Bird, linear feature.
Get 'em to check again.

Boss, my team can't stop you being
blown to bits by a command wire device...

...but you're not getting shot,
not on my watch.

Thanks, Simon.

Comforting

The donkey is checking the time.

Donkey! Why can't I be the tiger?

They go to go to all this trouble
of targeting me,

and they can't even give me
a decent bloody code name?

Don't shoot the messenger.

No, seriously. Don't.

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There you go.

All done. Let's hope our new WISWO...

WISWO!

...can help us to...

Nutsack! Fucking hell!

Nick.

Nutsack.

This is cosy

Isn't it? So, you're our new WISWO.

Good. Perfect. Amazeballs.

Believe me, mate, as much of a surprise
for me as It ls for you.

Last week I was in Chester,
scratching me arse.

Next thing, I'm off to Afghan before
I even get a chance to sniff me fingers.

Charming Steve Nuttall, Towerblock.
You've already met Bird.

- Yes, she was just saying...
- Lance Corporal Lansley.

Close protection.

Yeah. Bird said about a command wire
device? Unusual in this terrain.

Yeah, I know it's unusual.
That's why you're here.

Yeah, so we reckon we're dealing
with an experienced bomber

with a working knowledge of our existing
render safe and forensic procedures.

Brilliant. So, you've, er...totally
read the profile I compiled.

Did you have any information
that, you know, I didn’t give you?

- Like...who it is?
- No idea, mate.

Well, I'm so glad you're here

It's good to know you've got my back.

Puts you in an ideal position
to stick a knife in it.

Yeah, all right. just make sure
that the rest of your team are...

- The rest of my team are fine.
- OK.

Actually, you know what? The rest
of my team are better than fine.

They're a group
of highly skilled individuals,

who know exactly what they're doing.
So, thank you.

- Bloody hell, Simon.
- Sorry.

And in the world willy-waving contest,
both Nick and Nutsack have nil points.

- Piss off, Bird.
- Seriously, boss.

What was all that about?
He said you were old mates.

Yeah,we were.

Till he fucked my fiancée!

- Fuck me!
- Of course!

Marianne!

Losing a fiancée, uh?
I feel your pain, brother.

Come on.

Let's go...

Let's go home.

OK.

Most likely to...

...get caught dogging.

Bird! No question.

- What about you, Mac?
- I wouldn't get caught, would I?

Aaah!

Mm. OK, OK, OK.

Most likely to...

stick a Haribo up his arse

to see if he could tell
which one It was by the shape?

Ha-ha. Gay!

Ah, well, you actually did that, Rocket.
So, you.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Aye, I did.
And you cannae tell.

OK, er...most likely to...

come out as gay?

- Mac!
- Eh?

Aw, seriously, I'm no' fucking gay.

- Ah, see? He's no' gay.
- But the thing ls, Rocket...

- Mac is in denial.
- No, I'm no'!

Mac is so keen to call even/thing
and everyone else gay

because he has certain feelings
that upset and confuse him.

Except I don't, because I'm no' gay.

So...if you're completely secure
in your heterosexuality,

you wouldn't care how you came across,

so you'd be happy to call everyone
"duckie" all day, for example.

Fuck off!

Duckie? Towerblock, have you ever
actually met anyone who's gay?

- I've met Mac.
- Fair enough.

My great-uncle was gay,
but you couldnae tell.

Until he married that guy.

He never called anyone duckie, though.
He just called everyone pal.

Well, let's not get bogged down
by authenticity, eh?

"All right, pal?" That was him.

OK, look, the only way that
Mac can prove he's not in denial

is to call everyone on the base
duckie all day.

Fuck off!

- Denial!
- He's gay!

- Big old bender!
- All right, all right!

Fuck off!

Duckie.

Better.

So as our new WISWO...

- WISWO!
- ...pointed out,

this bomber is specifically targeting us.

- But mainly targeting you, boss.
- Thank you, Simon.

So stay sharp. Double-check everything.

Drills and skills. OK. Mary?

OK, so I've organised
another Mary's Movies Night.

- Really?
- Why do you bother?

Look, I know that
some of my film picks have bombed.

- I mean, er...sorry.
- Red.

Face it, Maw, you have
no idea what the guys like.

Just trying to broaden
some rather narrow horizons.

And what cinematic treat
do you have for us?

Well, I think you're going to like it.
It's a bit more soldiery.

- Atonement.
- Ah-uh!

Mary, have you actually
ever met any soldiers?

Well, I'm a soldier.

Can't you at least put
something popular on?

- Atonement won a BAFTA.
- Always a bad sign.

What's a BAFTA?

No, look, it's fine, if you want to watch
mindless Hollywood blockbusters.

But it's my movie night, and some people
actually prefer European cinema.

So tomorrow night,
we're watching Atonement,

and there'll be lots of people there,
and that's that.

Wait, wait, wait!
Tomorrow night's Bird’s Boogie Night.

- Of course!
- Gleaming!

- Sony? What?
- First Thursday. Bird's Boogie Night.

Er...how did I not know about this?

Er...cos I've never invited you.
It's a soldier thing.

Well, can you change it to another night?
Because I've told everyone now.

Um...I'm not moving Bird's Boogie Night
just to avoid clashing with everyone

- not watching your film.
- Yeah?

And I'm not moving Mary's Movies for
an event you hadn't even told me about.

- Mm. A standoff.
- No.

OK, we'll have to have both
and we'll just see who comes to what.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- OK. So, team, anything else?
- Ooh, boss,

could we run some close protection drills?
What with you being targeted...

- No.
- Yeah, I'm with Mac on this one.

Are you sure, boss? Cos if you get killed,
how's that gonna make me look?

Wow! OK.

Er...boss, look,

if this new bomber's on your case, then
you and the WISWO will need to get on.

- WISWO!
- It's all right, Towerblock.

No, I agree, boss.
If you are being targeted,

you can't be thinking
of Warrant Officer Nuttall, you know...

...ploughing your fiancée.
It's just...

- Clear the air.
- Yeah.

Look, just go and see him, face to face.

- And punch his fucking lights out.
- Yeah, all right, Towerblock.

I know in t'North
you settle all your disputes

by glassing your mates outside t'pub,

but in the civilised world,
we talk to each other, using words.

I'd punch him in the face.

I was going to go with nuts,
but face could work.

Good meeting, everyone!

Knock, knock!
Corporal Bird. Private McDowell.

- Sir.
- Sir.

Everything in hand
for Bird's Boogie Night?

We're just putting together the playlist,
sir.

Good-oh! Make sure there's
a bit of Sugababes on there.

- Guaranteed floor-filler.
- Sir.

Pity about the clash
with the Padre's film night.

Still, her hit rate-'s pretty dismal.

What's she gone for this time?
The Kite Runner?

Documentary about Venezuelan feminists?

- Atonement.
- Oof! Really?

Still, could be worse.
Could be The King's Speech.

That was bobbins.

Always a bad sign, BAFTAs.
Don't you think, Mac?

Aye. You're right.

Duckie.

Carry on.

Precious.

♪ If you're ready for me, boy

♪ You'd better...

♪ Push the button

♪ Let me know before I

♪ Get the wrong idea and go... ♪

I've got the forensics from this morning.

"The donkey is entering the cookhouse."

Yeah, and I just wanted to, urn...

...clear the air.

I know we've had our differences,

but it's time to move on,
focus on the matter in hand.

So...this bomber...

Hey, it's so good to hear you say that.

Seven years is too long
not to speak to each other.

And I'm sure Marianne'd want to say...hi.

Would she? OK. Well, as long as she's...

All right. So, urn...the wire...

She's all right.

As all right as you can be,
with twins on the way. That'll be five.

Five kids?

Wow. Um...so, er...the wire.

Um...well, it feels like
he wants us to know it's him.

Feels like he's trying to
fuck with my head.

Or maybe
he's just got a load of orange wire.

Look, I'm just made up that you want to...

...you want to move on.

You were my best mate.

Be st mate?!

You were screwing Marianne
behind my back for six months!

Oh, so it's...
all In the past now, then, ls It?

Come on, Nick.

Nicky boy.

We're part of the most incestuous trade
In the whole fucking Army.

- Speak for yourself!
- Hang about.

You shagged Marianne's sister.

Yeah! But only afterwards.

And I didn't enjoy it.

Much.

Oh,what?

Bird, you utter bitch.

Well, I'm surly, but she is.

Well, hold it up so everyone can see.

So, Bird, how come you've got gay porn?

Does that mean you're gay?

No, cos if you were gay,
you'd have porn with girls in it.

- But that's straight porn. So...
- I just prefer It, all right?

It's the real deal.
just plain old naked men fucking.

Fair do's.

Bad news, chaps.

Film night is cancelled.

Oh, brilliant!

Cos the projector has
mysteriously gone missing.

Jesus will know where it is. Ask him.

So unless whoever's borrowed it
decides to return it, then it's all off.

Which is such a shame,

cos I've got a job lot of Peperami
coming from a padre In Bastion.

Can we have the Peperami anyway?

No. I just think it's sad
that someone would...

I haven't taken your fucking projector,
all right? Ma'am.

I'm not saying anything.
just whoever it is...

- It wasn't me, though, so...
- Yes, but whoever it is...

Please can you stop looking at me
when you say, "Whoever It Is"?

Whoever has it could bring it back...

It wasn't fucking me, all right?

Has anyone else got an erection right now?

- Apart from that guy, obviously.
- Yes, thank you, Nick.

Wow.

Anyway, whoever has it should just
return It to me, no questions asked,

and I won't take things any further.

With her.

RESA's completed a search
for command wires, boss. Nothing.

Oh, well, we're unlikely to see
two on the same day anyway.

Huh! Sounds like you're relying
on the law of averages there, mate.

He's right, boss. You did say
we should double-check everything.

There you go,
listen to your number two, and...

And then you two get a room together
and you can fuck him,

like you fucked my fiancée.

How about that?

- Jesus.
- Sorry, boss.

I was...I was watching.

- Vigilance.
- Yeah.

We're just working on some
new close protection procedures.

Very close, as it turns out.

WISWO!

Yeah?

Er...

...nothing.

Padre.

Right.

- Tatty-bye.
- Boss on the move!

The snake is crawling towards the mango.

Shit. Boss, get back!

You are shitting me?

The snake is crawling towards the mango.

Bird, find Sergeant Hogg and tell him
to do another search for command wires.

- Sure.
- With a side order of

fucking find it this time!

Yeah, I'll see if they got that.

Well, this is gonna take an hour.

So I'm a snake now, am I?

How...peachy!

Did I say "snake"?

Sony, a better translation would be...

worm.

The worm is crawling toward the mango.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah. Where's my fucking stereo?

Ma'am?

Well, where's my f...
actual projector, Bird?

- Corporal?
- Ah, Padre.

Bird. Missing something?

- Yes! I just...
- No.

Your projector? Sony, Padre.

Had to borrow it in a hurry for
a PowerPoint thingy back at the FOB.

Theirs was broken.
Knew you wanted it back for film night.

- Yes. Thank you, sir.
- No problem.

I think the DVD's still in the box.

Oh, no. This is a different one.

Revenge Of The Fallen,
and Atonement seems to be missing.

I can't show that. That's not
what Mary's Movies ls all about.

I thought you two
were competing for an audience.

- I'd go with Transformers.
- Fine.

♪ Robots in disguise! ♪

Not a very good disguise,
though, most of the time.

Shame.

Bird!

You stop! It's not in here.

Look...

why don't [see if I can find out
who stole your stereo,

get him to put it back,
no questions asked?

Or her.

Get her to put it back.

Ma'am.

All right, benders?

Oh, dear.
You have let yourself down there, Mac.

Aw, what? Are you still on that?

We didn't want to be, but, er...

Casual homophobia
is a definite sign of denial.

Fuck off!

I've already proved I'm very comfortable
with a whole range of gay activities.

Uh-huh.

We could get him to dress up
as one of the Village People.

The Red Indian. He's the best one.

Might look a bit racist.

Yeah, it'd be a shame
to look a bit racist,

when you've made such an effort
to give a balanced view of gay culture.

Hmm.

Maybe the construction worker, then?

I mean, I know I'm no saint. But come on.
He was shagging my fiancée.

Nick, you just have to forgive him.

Is this what they were
teaching you at Sandhurst,

while we were all learning about fighting?

You just look him in the eye and you say,

"I forgive you."

Wow.
I really must write some of this down.

Otherwise how will I remember
the finer details? Cheers, Padre.

Boss! Without you knowing, you're already
part of a close protection drill.

I've primed Mac and Rocket to launch
a surprise attack when we least expect It.

- The idea...
- Oh, bloody hell!

Jesus! Not yet!

You said you wanted a surprise.

- Yes, but...
- Surprise!

OK, Simon. I think the key here is, er...

- 360-degree visibility, yeah?
- Yeah.

OK, great, so why don't you get up
that sangar and see what the, er...

what the 360-degree atmospheric visibility
profile ls on me, Mac and Rocket?

- Great idea!
- Boom! Good work, soldier!

Right. Coffee?

- Aye.
- Brilliant.

Boss!

Boss!

I've lost visibility!

Cover that.

Right, the search team have gone over
every inch for command wires twice, boss,

and nothing.

Well, you had two command wires yesterday.

Hey,
someone write this guy up for a medal.

He totally remembers something
that happened yesterday.

Simon?

Following this morning's exercise,

I wondered about the 360-degree vis
on that ridge up there.

It's a good vantage point, Corporal,
but it hasn't been cleared.

Oh, we can clear it as we go.

I wouldn't advise it.

I think I can trust my team
to make the right decisions.

Trust, mate? Not something
you know much about.

Simon, you do whatever you think's best.

OK, let's move out! You.

Right, now, if no-one
has any more objections,

I think I might go down to that device.

- Towerblock, get my kit.
- Yes, boss.

Bird.

The leopard ls...

What is it?

- The leopard is approaching the turnip.
- I'm a leopard?

I'm a leopard now! Get in!

But you haven't even started
approaching the turnip yet, boss.

No, no, no! Can we just focus on the fact
that I am a leopard for a moment,

because...

Simon.

Simon! Simon!

I'm nearly there, boss!

- There's a device up there!
- Fucking come back down or you'll die!

Simon! Get down!

Charlie Charlie One, this is
Bluestone 42. Contact IED. Wait out.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Simon!

Simon!

Mac, thank fuck!

Where's Simon?

Fuck knows!

Quick, get into cover!

Simon!

Simon!

Boss!

Oh, Jesus!

Simon!

- Are you OK?
- Wha...

I am OK!

OK, even/one stay in cover!
Stay sharp. Eyes on!

- Eyes on!
- Eves on!

Shit. That was too fucking close.

- Simon.
- Boss?

Look, I just wanted
to apologise for earlier.

Letting you go up on that ridge was...

Oh, it's all right, boss.
I'm your close protection. It was my call.

Yeah, it's just this stuff with Nutsack,
you know?

It's got to me and I'm surly.

- Maybe...you need to forgive him.
- You sound like the Padre.

And I can't believe
you got to be the fucking leopard.

Yeah . Raarrhh!

- Steve.
- Nick.

Look.

Kick him in the nuts!

- Aah!
- Sorry, mate. I had to do that.

Yeah. Yeah, I know, mate.

Fair play.

Shit. You've got quite a hook there.

Look, I know I behaved
[Ike a complete arsehole.

So if you want to have another go,
come on.

Nah! No.

Look, mate,

you and Marianne, I mean, well,
fair play, you've made a go of it, right?

When I proposed to her,
I'd just finished my first tour.

Thought it was what I wanted.
But could you imagine me with a wife?

Stuck in some shitty Army semi?

Bunch of fucking rug rats
snotting and puking all over the place?

- What?
- School runs. Recorder practice.

Saturday night telly. Awful. Never have
a shag, cos you're always knackered.

That's my fucking life
you're talking about, you wanker!

Oh, fuck you, you two-faced prick!

Kick him in the nuts!

WISWO!

- Go, Nick!
- Go, boss!

Hi, guys!

Help yourself to Peperami.

Who have you come as, Bob the Builder?

It's a wee bit more complicated than that.

Nice turnout.

Oh. Yeah, thanks, Bird.

- And my stereo turned up, so...
- Yeah.

No problem. I mean, oh!

Oh, did it? Great.

Anyway, no harm done.

And it's been a hell of a day,
so...let's just watch Transformers.

Fuck Boogie Night.

Oh, really? OK.

OK. Um...guys?

Shall we begin?

Yeah!

Trailers. They're my favourite.
They're like wee movies.

Hey? Hey, what?

Steady on.

- What is this?
- How is this...?

I had a feeling someone would steal it
so I set up a Handycam.

Babes?

- Oh,yes!
- OK.

- I think we've all seen enough of this.
- I don't think we have...ma'am.

- Oh, hello.
- What's she seen?

Now, that's entertainment.

- Yeah, right, Padre!
- OK.

No, sorry, that's it.
No more Mary's Movie Nights.

What?

I was hoping you'd beg me to keep them.
Never mind.

Who's up for Bird's Boogie Night?

Ah, Mary.

I've just been watching Atonement.
Cracking film, despite the BAFTA.

See you at Boogie Night.

Mac! Mac! Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac!
Mac, Mac! I've got It! I've got It!

If you want to prove that you're not gay,
then you would have no problem

- in putting your penis in Rocket's mouth.
- Eh?

I mean, what could be
a clearer demonstration

that you're entirely comfortable
with your own sexuality?

All right, but this is the last one.

Well, don't I get a say in this?
I'm no' doing...that.

- What? What?
- You're in denial, mate.

You must be gay.

- Aye. You're gay, Rocket.
- Am I?

Because I don't want to suck Mac's cock?

- Yeah.
- Aye.

It just goes to show, you can nae tell.

♪ I know my hidden looks can be deceiving
but how obvious... ♪

Sugababes!

Great choice!

Thanks, sir!

All right, I take it back!

You do understand
what they want more than I do.

Thank you!

♪ ...I wonder if he knows that
he can say It and I'm with It... ♪

One for the wank bank, eh?

What? I don't...

Well, let's just say
that we have different...

Masturbational fantasies?

I'm just going to...

♪ ...Boy, you'd better push the button
and let me know

♪ Before I get the wrong idea and go

♪ You're gonna miss the freak... ♪

Is there something on your mind, Rocket?

Er...I'm just a wee bit confused
about my sexuality.

- Really?
- Aye.

I think I might be the only gay one here.

What makes you say that?

Mac and Towerblock
said that I'm in denial.

Mac said that?

OK. Er...

Rocket, sexuality's on a spectrum

and everyone has to work it out
on their own...

...and some people find it
much harder to work out than others.

♪ ...Boy, you better push the button
and let me know

♪ Before I get the wrong idea and go... ♪

So you forgave him, then?

We forgave each other, didn't we, mate?

Yeah. We forgave seven shades of shit
out of each other.

I'm glad it all worked out.

♪ ...Before
I get the wrong idea and go... ♪

Tell you what, mate!

Your Padre is proper fit.

Don't you fucking dare!

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