Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Simon gets into trouble for breaking with procedure at a roadside op and is generally mocked by the others for liking 'The Thin Red Line' and acting like an old man. However when Millsy complains Nick is not giving him enough responsibility and a retraining session is called for,retracing the op, Simon proves the hero of the hour. Nick,like everybody else,is fed up with the dull food rations and learns about the local delicacy the Afhgan tiger gecko,one of which he catches in the hopes of impressing Mary. She finds it delicious - until finding out what it is, an endangered species!
What the hell do you want?
I can't concentrate if you're
watching me. Go on. Go on. Piss off.
Piss off!
Everything all right there,
boss? Yeah, it's fine!
Just talking to a lizard!
Um... what did you say, boss?
I said I was just...
It doesn't matter.
OK. Er... do you need me
to prepare the hook and line?
Or... anything else?
Ah. Could you prepare
a Caesar salad?
Um... Actually, just radio
the cook-house
and tell them that, if they're
planning tomato pasta bake
for a fifth day running, I'm bringing
this bomb home for lunch.
Yeah. Er, to be fair, boss,
yesterday was spicy tomato pasta,
which isn't technically...
And my will to live
is further reduced.
Good job I'm not in
a life-threatening situation.
Oh, hang on.
Wait. Who's that? What?
There's someone by the compound,
inside the cordon there.
Skip, the line. Yeah, hang on.
Watch out, Skip. Yeah, in a minute.
Step back! Yeah, all right,
he's just... Uh!
Get down!
All right, Rocket? Just a plant.
You sure it wasn?t a tripwire?
If it had been a tripwire,
we wouldn't be having this
conversation right now.
Oh.
Right.
Why not?
Because he'd be flying towards ye
like flesh confetti.
Like flesh and bone confetti.
Like flesh and...
Yes, all right, Mac. Got you.
Too much, aye?
Right, let's give it ten
and I'll go back.
So, Rocket, what was all that
shouting about?
You dropped faster than your
testicles will in a year or two.
It was nothing, boss.
Nothing? He thought I'd found
a tripwire.
A tripwire?
Yeah, but it was just a plant.
A plant?
Yeah, so it was all OK.
So, it was all OK?
This is entertaining.
And where was this plant
that was all OK?
Just in there.
There.
Are you sure, Lance Corporal?
Cos that's off the path.
And stepping off the path
would be the act of a...
colossal bell-end.
I thought I spotted movement
in the compound over there.
Oh, so you tried to get a closer
look by wandering off the path
like a dozy fucking pensioner.
But, like I said,
it was just a plant, so...
Oh, and you discovered
it wasn't a booby trap,
because an IED didn't blow
both your legs off
and rip great fucking chunks
out of the rest of the team!
Sir. You know why they're called
booby traps, Simon?
Is it because...
Shut up!
They're called booby traps because
they get trodden on by tits
like you!
Really?
If you do not stay on the path,
you will get blown
to Shittington come!
And we will need two dozen body bags
to ship you back to a fianc?e
who is, bafflingly, in love
with someone with fewer
brain cells than bollocks!
Protocol would be
a retraining exercise, boss.
Get your shit together,
Lance Corporal,
and stop acting like a useless
fucking geriatric!
Another mistake like this
could invoke considerably more
than a gigantic bollocking!
Could it invoke a retraining
exercise? Millsy.
We have the training opportunities
we need. We refer to them as "war".
Boss, I'd really love it
if we could...
Millsy, I would really love it
if I got to eat foie gras
and drink Sauternes
whilst shagging Mary the Padre.
If you don't mind... Technically...
Technically, Millsy, we spend
80 hours a week
in close proximity to yellow lines.
I think the last fucking thing we
need is a retraining exercise,
with you pointing at them
like a knob-end.
OK?
Boss.
Right. Eyes peeled.
I'll be in the van.
Bird, have we got any coffee?
Er, something very similar, boss.
What have we got, Bird?
If you use "chai" in the answer,
I'm going to go down there
and blow myself up.
Um... well...
Beef bolognese with
tomato pasta.
Nice variation.
Well, at least it's hot.
Reminds me of the time Rocket
had the shits. That was hot.
I wouldn't have eaten that either!
Nick, I'm eating.
You know what I miss? Fruitcake.
Proper British fruitcake.
That is a fucking
boring food tae miss.
And do you eat it with a tartan rug
over your knees, Granddad?
Fucking funny, everyone. I know.
Well, we've got the next best
thing.
You say fruitcake,
I say tropical fruit mix.
Tropical fruit mix? This is just
peaches. That's not tropical
and it's not a mix.
Have my golden-oats snack bar
if you're desperate, boss.
As generous and unwelcome
as that offer is, Millsy,
I just want a decent bloody
meal for once, not...
Operational Ration Pack number 17.
19, boss. 19.
17 is sweet-and-sour chicken.
Thank you for your input.
Oh, I just... I can't do it.
Can I have yours?
Really? Serious.
Rocket joined for the food. Aye.
And the free uniform. And the gun.
They don't let you keep
the gun afterwards.
Eh? Shite!
You lying bastard.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!
Come on, Mary, admit it.
That is horrible.
Well, we're hardly feasting
on oysters and champagne,
at least there's plenty of it.
Again, when Rocket had the
shits there was plenty...
Nick. Sorry.
Bird, you're still eating it.
Why? Reminds me of home.
Aw, really? Yeah.
My mum's a fucking awful
cook. Why do you think I'm here?
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nah, it's nothing that can't be
unfucked with a bit of ketchup.
She's sending me some in the post.
If it ever gets here.
When does it get here? Fuck knows.
My big brother says he's
sending me some Mars bars.
I've got to find decent food.
Faruq keeps offering me quroot.
You too, huh? You want quroot?
No, Faruq, because it tastes like
cottage cheese that's been pissed on.
Do you have anything else?
You want good scoff, I get you
good scoff.
You like fresh, juicy, ripe mangoes?
Yes. Me too.
Sadly, they would be
impossible to obtain.
But I see what I can do!
Bye-bye!
Good.
Sir?
Sir, could I have a word?
Is it about the food?
Dreadful, isn't it?
Still, what's the first rule?
If you want good food,
don't join the Army.
Should've stuck to what we know
and invaded France.
I bet Wellington had foie gras
every bloody night.
We should invade France?
Napoleon's men lived off
the land, of course.
Annoys the locals, but you do
discover regional delicacies.
Like the Afghan tiger gecko.
Come again?
Lizards. Keep up.
The Afghan tiger gecko.
Highly endangered, on account
of being absolutely delicious.
Really? Mm.
Fresh. Creamy. Like oysters.
These days there's so few of them,
they're confined to just two valleys
about four miles east of Malgir.
Where we were this morning, sir.
Black. Yellowy stripes.
You haven't seen one, have you?
No, sir.
Not even a tiny one?
Probably just as well. They're on
some UN list of protected yumminess.
Very bad form to catch them.
Kill them.
Poach them gently in a good
Chenin blanc.
Sir.
You slept with that Padre yet?
What?
I'll take that as a no. Carry on.
See yous later.
Bye, Rocket. Everything all
right, Millsy?
Fine, Padre, yeah. Just fine.
Is Nick not keeping you busy?
No, no. Not today.
But it's OK. Just the way he is
sometimes, you know?
How is that, then?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not having a go.
Just saying I know we can all get a
bit pointy when we're stressed.
But it's fine, it's fine.
Do you want me to talk to him?
I would love that. I would really,
really love that.
What would be the best thing
for me to say?
You...
Nothing.
No.
No, no, no, nothing. Nothing.
It's fine.
It's just sometimes I feel
I could do a much better job
if he just let me in on stuff.
I've had all this training, I know
I could do my job a lot better if I
could just use all of it and it's...
Actually, do you know what?
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
I should, er... Millsy.
I haven't known Nick for very long,
although I think
I've kind of worked him out.
But he can be quite spiky,
and actually...
No. No, no, no, no.
Nick's amazing.
Really. Yeah, and he... and he likes
you, he really likes you.
I mean, he said...
Millsy, can I stop you there?
Because we are here
to do a job, so...
Nick and I will be keeping
things strictly professional.
Of course.
Sorry.
It's OK.
Actually, what did he say? Well...
No, forget it. Um... see you
later, Millsy.
Yeah.
This is the most boring fucking film
I've ever fucking seen.
- You're joking, right?
- Thin Red Line?
Thin Red Shite, more like.
Does anyone care if I turn it
off? Sooner the better.
What?! There's only an hour left!
You've got to be fucking
kidding me. Another hour?!
What is wrong with you people?
The Daily Telegraph said...
What a steaming pile of crap.
Aye, crap. No.
No, The Thin Red Line is one of the
greatest war films of all time.
Back me up here, boss.
What's that?
The Thin Red Line.
A significant film.
It was certainly significant for me.
Whole bunch of us went to
see it when we turned 18...
Thank you... and I have never
been more bored.
I was so bored, I thought I'd died,
gone to hell, and got bored.
Least you were lucky enough
to see it on the big screen.
Not really. Mm. I was too young
to go and see it at the cinema.
Eh? You're older than him.
No, I'm not.
Ah, ye are! No, I'm not.
How old do you think I am?
36?
I was going to say about 42.
Oh, aye.
I'm 28!
28!
What, seriously?
You make it sound like I'm past it.
You lot think I'm past it. Nobody
thinks you're past it, Simon.
You called me a dozy
fucking pensioner.
Did I? Yeah, I probably did.
GUFFAWING
You called me Granddad.
You were having a wet dream
about fruitcake. I like... cake!
OK? Somebody say something
about cake?
You do make that noise
when ye sit down.
What noise?
Oh!
Pfff! I don't make that noise.
Pfff!
And you go "Pfff!"
when you're annoyed. Pfff!
Pfff! Pfff!
Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff!
Fuck off!
Can we just please watch
the rest of the film?
Nah. Let's watch Heartbreak Ridge.
Aye! The Ridge!
Oh, no, no! It's too late
to start another film!
"Oh, it's too late!"
Oh, is it getting late, Granddad?
May I remind you,
we all have to be up at 0630?
You are so old!
Quack, quack!
Sod off. I'm going to bed.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Millsy will bring you some hot milk.
Actually, we're out of milk.
Millsy, I was... Forget it.
I think I'll turn in as well.
Good night, guys.
Nick?
Can I have a word? In private?
At this hour?
Intriguing. Yes, please.
Ah, biscuits, brown.
My favourite.
In the absence of all other
biscuits. Hm.
Yeah, I'm out of wafers, pink.
So... So, I wanted to talk to you
about Millsy.
Oh. Look...
When I was in training, I got used
as target practice for golf balls,
so the occasional game of dartboard
run-around is really...
And this isn't about that, is it?
I think he feels like a spare
part. Yeah.
A spare part who doesn't spend his
time inches away from something
that will probably, at some
point, blow him to pieces.
I'm not sure if I've told you
this, but my job is almost
unimaginably dangerous.
It has come up once or twice, yes,
but all I'm saying is,
why don't you... let him in?
Ah, yes. Let him in.
I forgot chapter 76
of the ATO training manual,
"When relating to your number two,
always ensure that you... let him in."
He's a young man who wants to do
a good job. So, give him...
His... his head?
Actually, that is what bomb disposal
experts need. Head.
Oh, yes. Clever.
Millsy mentioned something
about a retraining exercise.
Why don't you talk to him about it?
For me?
So, team, time for a retraining
exercise.
Aw...! Bollocks.
I thought you got us here to dish
out post. Hasn't arrived. Shite.
I was expecting my Mars bars
so I only had the one breakfast.
Millsy will help us understand
the importance of staying
in the marked areas,
by going through
yesterday's incident.
Really? Do we have to?
Let's get it over with.
Millsy. Thanks, boss.
OK.
It was nearly 0900.
The mist had cleared,
and a light wind from the south
stirred the leaves in the trees.
Cautiously, a small brave
detachment...
Millsy, what are you doing?
Boss?
Either I've stumbled into
Poetry Corner or you, Millsy,
are talking like a cunt.
Which is it?
Poetry Corner, boss?
No.
Oh. Sorry.
So, I've recreated
where everyone was standing
when the suspected
secondary was spotted.
If you'd like to follow me.
Oh, dear.
You've drawn pictures of us. Sweet!
What the fuck is that?
I don't smoke a pipe!
All right. Just a bit
of artistic license.
I'm 28!
Sorry. OK.
So, Simon was standing here.
The yellow line was here,
and in trying to see an enemy
over there,
he overstepped the line... here.
This is excellent, Millsy.
Do go on.
Really?
Yeah.
OK. Thanks, boss.
So, I'd like everyone
to break up into pairs.
Ask 'em when the post
is getting here.
Everyone, break up into pairs and
make a list of potential hazards.
Thank you. Pairs, gay. Lists... gay.
I cannae make a list.
I've no' got a pen.
Sorry, Millsy. No time for getting
into pairs. We've got to go.
Are you serious? What is it?
Well, something's holding up
the post truck
and I don't want to lapse into
jargon here, but I think it's
what we call a bomb.
Hey! We do those, don't we?
Let's go.
It says here you find them
in rocky areas.
Rocky areas, marshy areas...
other areas, all over the shop!
Well, thank you very much,
David Attenborough.
You like David Attenborough?
I can get DVD of Frozen Planet.
20 dollars. It is agreed.
No, Faruq, I...
What? The kit's ready, boss.
Is there anything else here
you'd like me to do?
Not really.
We've got to wait 20 minutes for the
search team to finish anyway.
Why don't you go over there
and run through that
retraining exercise again?
Again, boss? Mm.
You mean finish it? Yeah.
Crack on.
Faruq and I will be... here...
talking.
Right. Um... this exercise ideally
should involve you, boss.
Mm-hm. It could.
It... doesn't have to.
You... You won't be needed for this,
boss. I'll take it from here.
Bluestone 42, back in your pairs.
Oh, no! Really?
Did something move? Down there?
I don't know. I can't see anything.
Does it really taste that good?
Oh, yes.
Especially with some quroot.
Yeah, because you know how much
I love that salty, salty yoghurt.
Ah, but with the lizard...
Ooh, it is amazing.
The salt, it brings out
the flavour of the meat.
It tastes like... panda.
I thought it tasted more like
oysters. Sorry, you've eaten panda?
Sure you don't want
to make up a three, boss?
Ah, Bird.
Cordon secure?
It is, boss.
We've considered the risk of
RCs? We have.
We've also considered the risk
of you not clearing the road
for the post truck,
cos you're too busy
searching for lizards.
Lizards? Huh!
We're not searching for
lizards. Ooh, there's one.
Is there? Where?
Ah, she is smart lady.
But that is why
we don't teach them to read.
Fuck you!
Hello, little fella!
Hello! Look at you, stripy!
Come on, now. Shoo.
Shoo. Go on, go.
Off you pop.
Wait! I see someone. Over there.
You sure, Skip? Your eyes
aren't whit they used to be.
Not now, Mac! Yeah, he's back.
Right, everyone. Cover!
Oh, ha-ha!
I'm no' falling for that one again.
Shite!
Charlie 1, this is Bluestone
42. Contact. Wait out.
Contact right! Bluestone 42!
One hostile, corner of
the compound, 200 metres!
I see him.
Bloody hell, Skip.
That was some fucking shot, eh?
Well, it's what we train for.
Someone give that man a cigarette!
I don't smoke. Yes,
I know, I mean, well done,
basically.
I think we can officially say
that you... are not past it.
Yes! Thank you, boss.
All right, now keep those eyes
peeled. Terry Taliban
may have some friends.
Amazing what an early night
can do for ye, eh, Grandda?
Fuck off.
Eyes on.
OK, Millsy, just bagging up.
Why don't you get a brew
on? Okey-dokey.
OK.
Oh...
Millsy?
Get a visual on nearby reptile.
Reptile, boss? Like a lizard?
Oh, right.
I...I saw one of those earlier.
Yeah, it was by the kit.
It was black with all these yellowy
stripes. I just shooed it away.
What? No!
Shit! Millsy.
I really wanted that lizard.
All right.
You didn't tell me, boss,
I didn't know.
No. No, I don't suppose I did.
I suppose I should have
let you in.
OK.
OK, look, um... do you think
you could shoot this one?
It's, er...
It's posing a threat.
I thought you were finished, boss?
It's a distraction, Millsy.
And therefore a threat.
All right.
But, um... aren't you a bit nearer?
Yeah, I'm also nearer 20
pounds of HME.
Can you just get Corporal Crack-shot
to have a pop at it?
But it's not harming anyone,
boss. Poor little thing.
It's a fucking lizard, Millsy!
Grow a pair. Boss.
Simon, the boss wants you
to shoot that lizard.
He wants me to shoot
a lizard? OK.
Just letting all units know
that Corporal Lansley is
about to fire at a... UDR.
An unauthorised distracting
reptile? I dunno!
Hey, lizard. You
wanna ask yourself one question.
Do I feel lucky?
Aye. I dae feel lucky.
Very lucky.
Cos the guy that's shooting at me
is a dozy fucking pensioner.
Ooh! I'll do it, Skip.
No, Rocket, it's all right.
I've got this.
Lizard neutralised, boss.
Well, that looks filling.
Carry on.
How's the food, everyone?
Still horrid?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, buck up. Post's here.
Finally, treats! Yum!
Here comes ketchup!
There's one here for you, sir.
Thanks.
For you, Bird.
Oh, my four-year-old's drawn
me a picture.
Can anyone tell what it is?
If you have any thoughts,
let me know, hm?
Oh. "Dear Lynda.
"Your sister thought you might
appreciate something girly."
What?
Mango and coconut body wash?
What a bitch! What am I supposed
to do with this?
Piss off! Ah, the young Scot's
worst nightmare.
Soap and fruit in one.
Chocolates?
Ho-ho-ho!
It's... Travel Scrabble.
It's great!
I mean, shit. Shit.
Ohhh! She found them!
Past it! Past it!
Pipe and slippers!
I do not smoke a pipe!
Ahhh!
Right, guys.
Yous can have some of my Mars bars.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, that's fucking hilarious!
He said he was sending me Mars bars,
and instead he sent me fake dog poo!
Brilliant!
But we can't eat it, though, can we?
What? The food here's fine.
I wanted some of your
fucking Mars bars!
All right, Mac,
you greedy bastard.
This is the worst Christmas ever.
All the presents are shite...
and it's no' even Christmas.
Is this all right?
Are those seriously the best flowers
you could find?
I can try and find some others,
but we are in the middle of...
No, don't worry. They'll do.
What's left on the list?
I've ironed your camos...
So, all you've got to do
is sweep the det, then you can
go and play Scrabble.
Yes! All right, listen.
I was thinking that we could set up
a tournament and...
You wouldn't need to be involved.
I'll... I'll see you later.
Now, promise me there's no
quroot in this.
No, this is my wife's recipe.
Braised Afghan tiger gecko.
It is her signature dish.
As a girl, she used to trap
them in her back garden.
That doesn't seem very
sportsmanlike.
Well, in those days she did not have
access to an SA80 rifle, eh?
Yeah, just the AK-47s
from the mujaheddin?
Yes, very hard-wearing
but not so accurate.
Excellent for crowds,
but not for hunting.
Right. Knock, knock.
Who's there? Hi!
Oh, hi, Faruq.
Millsy said you were looking
for me? Yes, I am.
Have a seat. Ooh, metal cutlery.
Now, there's posh.
Well, we aim to please.
Thank you for talking to Millsy.
He seems much happier.
He's running around like
a lunatic, fetching and carrying.
Well, a woman's work
is never done.
And, yes, I am implying
that Millsy is a woman.
How demeaning for him.
And how charming for me.
What is that amazing smell?
That'll be the oysters.
Oysters? Out here? Who do you have
to sleep with to get them?
That's a question you should be
asking yourself.
OK, so they're not technically
oysters, but apparently they
taste just like them.
They look a bit...
Just close your eyes
and open your mouth.
That's not the sort of advice I
follow when you're around, Nick.
Oh, my...
Mmm.
Mmm!
Mmm. Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm...
Mmmm!
Oh...
This is so yummy, I think
I might cry.
Oh! Mmm! I don't know why people
don't eat these all the time.
Because they're critically
endangered, Padre.
What?
How's the lizard?
Lizard? This is... This is lizard,
and it's critically endangered?
Yeah.
But what does that really mean?
Less than 70 breeding pairs,
apparently.
SHE GASPS
Ooh, is that spare?
Not... really.
Oh. Yumbles! Mmm!
It's been too long.
What were you thinking?
I think we both know
the answer to that. Right!
Get out.
These are my quarters.
Your... Whatever. Yeah, fine.
Well, I'm going.
What happened to
"so yummy I think I...
"might cry"?
Sorry, sir, is there something in
particular that you were after?
No, no, just a social visit.
All OK? Excellent. Carry on.
Well, that...
Perfect.
I can't concentrate if you're
watching me. Go on. Go on. Piss off.
Piss off!
Everything all right there,
boss? Yeah, it's fine!
Just talking to a lizard!
Um... what did you say, boss?
I said I was just...
It doesn't matter.
OK. Er... do you need me
to prepare the hook and line?
Or... anything else?
Ah. Could you prepare
a Caesar salad?
Um... Actually, just radio
the cook-house
and tell them that, if they're
planning tomato pasta bake
for a fifth day running, I'm bringing
this bomb home for lunch.
Yeah. Er, to be fair, boss,
yesterday was spicy tomato pasta,
which isn't technically...
And my will to live
is further reduced.
Good job I'm not in
a life-threatening situation.
Oh, hang on.
Wait. Who's that? What?
There's someone by the compound,
inside the cordon there.
Skip, the line. Yeah, hang on.
Watch out, Skip. Yeah, in a minute.
Step back! Yeah, all right,
he's just... Uh!
Get down!
All right, Rocket? Just a plant.
You sure it wasn?t a tripwire?
If it had been a tripwire,
we wouldn't be having this
conversation right now.
Oh.
Right.
Why not?
Because he'd be flying towards ye
like flesh confetti.
Like flesh and bone confetti.
Like flesh and...
Yes, all right, Mac. Got you.
Too much, aye?
Right, let's give it ten
and I'll go back.
So, Rocket, what was all that
shouting about?
You dropped faster than your
testicles will in a year or two.
It was nothing, boss.
Nothing? He thought I'd found
a tripwire.
A tripwire?
Yeah, but it was just a plant.
A plant?
Yeah, so it was all OK.
So, it was all OK?
This is entertaining.
And where was this plant
that was all OK?
Just in there.
There.
Are you sure, Lance Corporal?
Cos that's off the path.
And stepping off the path
would be the act of a...
colossal bell-end.
I thought I spotted movement
in the compound over there.
Oh, so you tried to get a closer
look by wandering off the path
like a dozy fucking pensioner.
But, like I said,
it was just a plant, so...
Oh, and you discovered
it wasn't a booby trap,
because an IED didn't blow
both your legs off
and rip great fucking chunks
out of the rest of the team!
Sir. You know why they're called
booby traps, Simon?
Is it because...
Shut up!
They're called booby traps because
they get trodden on by tits
like you!
Really?
If you do not stay on the path,
you will get blown
to Shittington come!
And we will need two dozen body bags
to ship you back to a fianc?e
who is, bafflingly, in love
with someone with fewer
brain cells than bollocks!
Protocol would be
a retraining exercise, boss.
Get your shit together,
Lance Corporal,
and stop acting like a useless
fucking geriatric!
Another mistake like this
could invoke considerably more
than a gigantic bollocking!
Could it invoke a retraining
exercise? Millsy.
We have the training opportunities
we need. We refer to them as "war".
Boss, I'd really love it
if we could...
Millsy, I would really love it
if I got to eat foie gras
and drink Sauternes
whilst shagging Mary the Padre.
If you don't mind... Technically...
Technically, Millsy, we spend
80 hours a week
in close proximity to yellow lines.
I think the last fucking thing we
need is a retraining exercise,
with you pointing at them
like a knob-end.
OK?
Boss.
Right. Eyes peeled.
I'll be in the van.
Bird, have we got any coffee?
Er, something very similar, boss.
What have we got, Bird?
If you use "chai" in the answer,
I'm going to go down there
and blow myself up.
Um... well...
Beef bolognese with
tomato pasta.
Nice variation.
Well, at least it's hot.
Reminds me of the time Rocket
had the shits. That was hot.
I wouldn't have eaten that either!
Nick, I'm eating.
You know what I miss? Fruitcake.
Proper British fruitcake.
That is a fucking
boring food tae miss.
And do you eat it with a tartan rug
over your knees, Granddad?
Fucking funny, everyone. I know.
Well, we've got the next best
thing.
You say fruitcake,
I say tropical fruit mix.
Tropical fruit mix? This is just
peaches. That's not tropical
and it's not a mix.
Have my golden-oats snack bar
if you're desperate, boss.
As generous and unwelcome
as that offer is, Millsy,
I just want a decent bloody
meal for once, not...
Operational Ration Pack number 17.
19, boss. 19.
17 is sweet-and-sour chicken.
Thank you for your input.
Oh, I just... I can't do it.
Can I have yours?
Really? Serious.
Rocket joined for the food. Aye.
And the free uniform. And the gun.
They don't let you keep
the gun afterwards.
Eh? Shite!
You lying bastard.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!
Come on, Mary, admit it.
That is horrible.
Well, we're hardly feasting
on oysters and champagne,
at least there's plenty of it.
Again, when Rocket had the
shits there was plenty...
Nick. Sorry.
Bird, you're still eating it.
Why? Reminds me of home.
Aw, really? Yeah.
My mum's a fucking awful
cook. Why do you think I'm here?
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nah, it's nothing that can't be
unfucked with a bit of ketchup.
She's sending me some in the post.
If it ever gets here.
When does it get here? Fuck knows.
My big brother says he's
sending me some Mars bars.
I've got to find decent food.
Faruq keeps offering me quroot.
You too, huh? You want quroot?
No, Faruq, because it tastes like
cottage cheese that's been pissed on.
Do you have anything else?
You want good scoff, I get you
good scoff.
You like fresh, juicy, ripe mangoes?
Yes. Me too.
Sadly, they would be
impossible to obtain.
But I see what I can do!
Bye-bye!
Good.
Sir?
Sir, could I have a word?
Is it about the food?
Dreadful, isn't it?
Still, what's the first rule?
If you want good food,
don't join the Army.
Should've stuck to what we know
and invaded France.
I bet Wellington had foie gras
every bloody night.
We should invade France?
Napoleon's men lived off
the land, of course.
Annoys the locals, but you do
discover regional delicacies.
Like the Afghan tiger gecko.
Come again?
Lizards. Keep up.
The Afghan tiger gecko.
Highly endangered, on account
of being absolutely delicious.
Really? Mm.
Fresh. Creamy. Like oysters.
These days there's so few of them,
they're confined to just two valleys
about four miles east of Malgir.
Where we were this morning, sir.
Black. Yellowy stripes.
You haven't seen one, have you?
No, sir.
Not even a tiny one?
Probably just as well. They're on
some UN list of protected yumminess.
Very bad form to catch them.
Kill them.
Poach them gently in a good
Chenin blanc.
Sir.
You slept with that Padre yet?
What?
I'll take that as a no. Carry on.
See yous later.
Bye, Rocket. Everything all
right, Millsy?
Fine, Padre, yeah. Just fine.
Is Nick not keeping you busy?
No, no. Not today.
But it's OK. Just the way he is
sometimes, you know?
How is that, then?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not having a go.
Just saying I know we can all get a
bit pointy when we're stressed.
But it's fine, it's fine.
Do you want me to talk to him?
I would love that. I would really,
really love that.
What would be the best thing
for me to say?
You...
Nothing.
No.
No, no, no, nothing. Nothing.
It's fine.
It's just sometimes I feel
I could do a much better job
if he just let me in on stuff.
I've had all this training, I know
I could do my job a lot better if I
could just use all of it and it's...
Actually, do you know what?
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
I should, er... Millsy.
I haven't known Nick for very long,
although I think
I've kind of worked him out.
But he can be quite spiky,
and actually...
No. No, no, no, no.
Nick's amazing.
Really. Yeah, and he... and he likes
you, he really likes you.
I mean, he said...
Millsy, can I stop you there?
Because we are here
to do a job, so...
Nick and I will be keeping
things strictly professional.
Of course.
Sorry.
It's OK.
Actually, what did he say? Well...
No, forget it. Um... see you
later, Millsy.
Yeah.
This is the most boring fucking film
I've ever fucking seen.
- You're joking, right?
- Thin Red Line?
Thin Red Shite, more like.
Does anyone care if I turn it
off? Sooner the better.
What?! There's only an hour left!
You've got to be fucking
kidding me. Another hour?!
What is wrong with you people?
The Daily Telegraph said...
What a steaming pile of crap.
Aye, crap. No.
No, The Thin Red Line is one of the
greatest war films of all time.
Back me up here, boss.
What's that?
The Thin Red Line.
A significant film.
It was certainly significant for me.
Whole bunch of us went to
see it when we turned 18...
Thank you... and I have never
been more bored.
I was so bored, I thought I'd died,
gone to hell, and got bored.
Least you were lucky enough
to see it on the big screen.
Not really. Mm. I was too young
to go and see it at the cinema.
Eh? You're older than him.
No, I'm not.
Ah, ye are! No, I'm not.
How old do you think I am?
36?
I was going to say about 42.
Oh, aye.
I'm 28!
28!
What, seriously?
You make it sound like I'm past it.
You lot think I'm past it. Nobody
thinks you're past it, Simon.
You called me a dozy
fucking pensioner.
Did I? Yeah, I probably did.
GUFFAWING
You called me Granddad.
You were having a wet dream
about fruitcake. I like... cake!
OK? Somebody say something
about cake?
You do make that noise
when ye sit down.
What noise?
Oh!
Pfff! I don't make that noise.
Pfff!
And you go "Pfff!"
when you're annoyed. Pfff!
Pfff! Pfff!
Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff!
Fuck off!
Can we just please watch
the rest of the film?
Nah. Let's watch Heartbreak Ridge.
Aye! The Ridge!
Oh, no, no! It's too late
to start another film!
"Oh, it's too late!"
Oh, is it getting late, Granddad?
May I remind you,
we all have to be up at 0630?
You are so old!
Quack, quack!
Sod off. I'm going to bed.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Millsy will bring you some hot milk.
Actually, we're out of milk.
Millsy, I was... Forget it.
I think I'll turn in as well.
Good night, guys.
Nick?
Can I have a word? In private?
At this hour?
Intriguing. Yes, please.
Ah, biscuits, brown.
My favourite.
In the absence of all other
biscuits. Hm.
Yeah, I'm out of wafers, pink.
So... So, I wanted to talk to you
about Millsy.
Oh. Look...
When I was in training, I got used
as target practice for golf balls,
so the occasional game of dartboard
run-around is really...
And this isn't about that, is it?
I think he feels like a spare
part. Yeah.
A spare part who doesn't spend his
time inches away from something
that will probably, at some
point, blow him to pieces.
I'm not sure if I've told you
this, but my job is almost
unimaginably dangerous.
It has come up once or twice, yes,
but all I'm saying is,
why don't you... let him in?
Ah, yes. Let him in.
I forgot chapter 76
of the ATO training manual,
"When relating to your number two,
always ensure that you... let him in."
He's a young man who wants to do
a good job. So, give him...
His... his head?
Actually, that is what bomb disposal
experts need. Head.
Oh, yes. Clever.
Millsy mentioned something
about a retraining exercise.
Why don't you talk to him about it?
For me?
So, team, time for a retraining
exercise.
Aw...! Bollocks.
I thought you got us here to dish
out post. Hasn't arrived. Shite.
I was expecting my Mars bars
so I only had the one breakfast.
Millsy will help us understand
the importance of staying
in the marked areas,
by going through
yesterday's incident.
Really? Do we have to?
Let's get it over with.
Millsy. Thanks, boss.
OK.
It was nearly 0900.
The mist had cleared,
and a light wind from the south
stirred the leaves in the trees.
Cautiously, a small brave
detachment...
Millsy, what are you doing?
Boss?
Either I've stumbled into
Poetry Corner or you, Millsy,
are talking like a cunt.
Which is it?
Poetry Corner, boss?
No.
Oh. Sorry.
So, I've recreated
where everyone was standing
when the suspected
secondary was spotted.
If you'd like to follow me.
Oh, dear.
You've drawn pictures of us. Sweet!
What the fuck is that?
I don't smoke a pipe!
All right. Just a bit
of artistic license.
I'm 28!
Sorry. OK.
So, Simon was standing here.
The yellow line was here,
and in trying to see an enemy
over there,
he overstepped the line... here.
This is excellent, Millsy.
Do go on.
Really?
Yeah.
OK. Thanks, boss.
So, I'd like everyone
to break up into pairs.
Ask 'em when the post
is getting here.
Everyone, break up into pairs and
make a list of potential hazards.
Thank you. Pairs, gay. Lists... gay.
I cannae make a list.
I've no' got a pen.
Sorry, Millsy. No time for getting
into pairs. We've got to go.
Are you serious? What is it?
Well, something's holding up
the post truck
and I don't want to lapse into
jargon here, but I think it's
what we call a bomb.
Hey! We do those, don't we?
Let's go.
It says here you find them
in rocky areas.
Rocky areas, marshy areas...
other areas, all over the shop!
Well, thank you very much,
David Attenborough.
You like David Attenborough?
I can get DVD of Frozen Planet.
20 dollars. It is agreed.
No, Faruq, I...
What? The kit's ready, boss.
Is there anything else here
you'd like me to do?
Not really.
We've got to wait 20 minutes for the
search team to finish anyway.
Why don't you go over there
and run through that
retraining exercise again?
Again, boss? Mm.
You mean finish it? Yeah.
Crack on.
Faruq and I will be... here...
talking.
Right. Um... this exercise ideally
should involve you, boss.
Mm-hm. It could.
It... doesn't have to.
You... You won't be needed for this,
boss. I'll take it from here.
Bluestone 42, back in your pairs.
Oh, no! Really?
Did something move? Down there?
I don't know. I can't see anything.
Does it really taste that good?
Oh, yes.
Especially with some quroot.
Yeah, because you know how much
I love that salty, salty yoghurt.
Ah, but with the lizard...
Ooh, it is amazing.
The salt, it brings out
the flavour of the meat.
It tastes like... panda.
I thought it tasted more like
oysters. Sorry, you've eaten panda?
Sure you don't want
to make up a three, boss?
Ah, Bird.
Cordon secure?
It is, boss.
We've considered the risk of
RCs? We have.
We've also considered the risk
of you not clearing the road
for the post truck,
cos you're too busy
searching for lizards.
Lizards? Huh!
We're not searching for
lizards. Ooh, there's one.
Is there? Where?
Ah, she is smart lady.
But that is why
we don't teach them to read.
Fuck you!
Hello, little fella!
Hello! Look at you, stripy!
Come on, now. Shoo.
Shoo. Go on, go.
Off you pop.
Wait! I see someone. Over there.
You sure, Skip? Your eyes
aren't whit they used to be.
Not now, Mac! Yeah, he's back.
Right, everyone. Cover!
Oh, ha-ha!
I'm no' falling for that one again.
Shite!
Charlie 1, this is Bluestone
42. Contact. Wait out.
Contact right! Bluestone 42!
One hostile, corner of
the compound, 200 metres!
I see him.
Bloody hell, Skip.
That was some fucking shot, eh?
Well, it's what we train for.
Someone give that man a cigarette!
I don't smoke. Yes,
I know, I mean, well done,
basically.
I think we can officially say
that you... are not past it.
Yes! Thank you, boss.
All right, now keep those eyes
peeled. Terry Taliban
may have some friends.
Amazing what an early night
can do for ye, eh, Grandda?
Fuck off.
Eyes on.
OK, Millsy, just bagging up.
Why don't you get a brew
on? Okey-dokey.
OK.
Oh...
Millsy?
Get a visual on nearby reptile.
Reptile, boss? Like a lizard?
Oh, right.
I...I saw one of those earlier.
Yeah, it was by the kit.
It was black with all these yellowy
stripes. I just shooed it away.
What? No!
Shit! Millsy.
I really wanted that lizard.
All right.
You didn't tell me, boss,
I didn't know.
No. No, I don't suppose I did.
I suppose I should have
let you in.
OK.
OK, look, um... do you think
you could shoot this one?
It's, er...
It's posing a threat.
I thought you were finished, boss?
It's a distraction, Millsy.
And therefore a threat.
All right.
But, um... aren't you a bit nearer?
Yeah, I'm also nearer 20
pounds of HME.
Can you just get Corporal Crack-shot
to have a pop at it?
But it's not harming anyone,
boss. Poor little thing.
It's a fucking lizard, Millsy!
Grow a pair. Boss.
Simon, the boss wants you
to shoot that lizard.
He wants me to shoot
a lizard? OK.
Just letting all units know
that Corporal Lansley is
about to fire at a... UDR.
An unauthorised distracting
reptile? I dunno!
Hey, lizard. You
wanna ask yourself one question.
Do I feel lucky?
Aye. I dae feel lucky.
Very lucky.
Cos the guy that's shooting at me
is a dozy fucking pensioner.
Ooh! I'll do it, Skip.
No, Rocket, it's all right.
I've got this.
Lizard neutralised, boss.
Well, that looks filling.
Carry on.
How's the food, everyone?
Still horrid?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, buck up. Post's here.
Finally, treats! Yum!
Here comes ketchup!
There's one here for you, sir.
Thanks.
For you, Bird.
Oh, my four-year-old's drawn
me a picture.
Can anyone tell what it is?
If you have any thoughts,
let me know, hm?
Oh. "Dear Lynda.
"Your sister thought you might
appreciate something girly."
What?
Mango and coconut body wash?
What a bitch! What am I supposed
to do with this?
Piss off! Ah, the young Scot's
worst nightmare.
Soap and fruit in one.
Chocolates?
Ho-ho-ho!
It's... Travel Scrabble.
It's great!
I mean, shit. Shit.
Ohhh! She found them!
Past it! Past it!
Pipe and slippers!
I do not smoke a pipe!
Ahhh!
Right, guys.
Yous can have some of my Mars bars.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, that's fucking hilarious!
He said he was sending me Mars bars,
and instead he sent me fake dog poo!
Brilliant!
But we can't eat it, though, can we?
What? The food here's fine.
I wanted some of your
fucking Mars bars!
All right, Mac,
you greedy bastard.
This is the worst Christmas ever.
All the presents are shite...
and it's no' even Christmas.
Is this all right?
Are those seriously the best flowers
you could find?
I can try and find some others,
but we are in the middle of...
No, don't worry. They'll do.
What's left on the list?
I've ironed your camos...
So, all you've got to do
is sweep the det, then you can
go and play Scrabble.
Yes! All right, listen.
I was thinking that we could set up
a tournament and...
You wouldn't need to be involved.
I'll... I'll see you later.
Now, promise me there's no
quroot in this.
No, this is my wife's recipe.
Braised Afghan tiger gecko.
It is her signature dish.
As a girl, she used to trap
them in her back garden.
That doesn't seem very
sportsmanlike.
Well, in those days she did not have
access to an SA80 rifle, eh?
Yeah, just the AK-47s
from the mujaheddin?
Yes, very hard-wearing
but not so accurate.
Excellent for crowds,
but not for hunting.
Right. Knock, knock.
Who's there? Hi!
Oh, hi, Faruq.
Millsy said you were looking
for me? Yes, I am.
Have a seat. Ooh, metal cutlery.
Now, there's posh.
Well, we aim to please.
Thank you for talking to Millsy.
He seems much happier.
He's running around like
a lunatic, fetching and carrying.
Well, a woman's work
is never done.
And, yes, I am implying
that Millsy is a woman.
How demeaning for him.
And how charming for me.
What is that amazing smell?
That'll be the oysters.
Oysters? Out here? Who do you have
to sleep with to get them?
That's a question you should be
asking yourself.
OK, so they're not technically
oysters, but apparently they
taste just like them.
They look a bit...
Just close your eyes
and open your mouth.
That's not the sort of advice I
follow when you're around, Nick.
Oh, my...
Mmm.
Mmm!
Mmm. Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm...
Mmmm!
Oh...
This is so yummy, I think
I might cry.
Oh! Mmm! I don't know why people
don't eat these all the time.
Because they're critically
endangered, Padre.
What?
How's the lizard?
Lizard? This is... This is lizard,
and it's critically endangered?
Yeah.
But what does that really mean?
Less than 70 breeding pairs,
apparently.
SHE GASPS
Ooh, is that spare?
Not... really.
Oh. Yumbles! Mmm!
It's been too long.
What were you thinking?
I think we both know
the answer to that. Right!
Get out.
These are my quarters.
Your... Whatever. Yeah, fine.
Well, I'm going.
What happened to
"so yummy I think I...
"might cry"?
Sorry, sir, is there something in
particular that you were after?
No, no, just a social visit.
All OK? Excellent. Carry on.
Well, that...
Perfect.