Blockbuster (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

What is that?

That you?

That you, batty batty?

Get back! Get back! Get off me!

Those damn twins and their damn pranks!


Don't worry, we're not infested.
It's Carol's twin grandsons.

They've been pranking us for weeks.

Gluing the mailbox shut,
lubing the floor, setting off car alarms.

- Who's Carol?
- You know.

Vests, kind of scary.
She owns Hot Piece of Bass.

When will you change
the employee photos back?

I like the Buscemis staring at me.

Makes me feel like I'm in
an unproduced Charlie Kaufman movie.

The twins hid a beehive in my store again.

Classic Carol's grandsons.
I better get going.

Have to give some kisses
to my bearded dragons.

We gotta retaliate. How do we top
the eyebrow scar we gave Evan?

That was Trevin, and that was on him for
having so many fishing lures on his hat.

We find a way to give them one of
the less permanent versions of hepatitis.

I love that. Diarrhea, the other symptoms,
but not the full hepatitis.

Actually, I'm out.

- What?
- Look,

Halloween is our biggest time of the year,

with people looking for horror movies
they can't get on streamers.

This year will be bigger

because of publicity
from that news report.

Look around.
We haven't had this many customers

since Fifty Shades of Grey
made the whole country horny.

I'm not gonna jeopardize that
by getting into a prank war with children.

We're this close
to getting out of the woods.

You're two months behind on rent.

- Oh.
- Damn. I'm torn.

The half of me
that wants my money is impressed.

But the half of me that wants to put
two ninth graders in a hospital is bummed.

I like this new Timmy. Let's support him.

He's trying to be a responsible boss.

What is that?

Glitter bomb. Damn it.

- Impressive, though.
- I think it scratched my cornea.

So you summon ghosts?

No, Día de los Muertos
isn't about ghosts exactly.

They're spirits of dead relatives

who come back to visit for one night.

Oh, so zombies then.

Not zombies.

Fine, if I have to choose,
more ghosts than zombies.

It's more of a spiritual reunion.

You put offerings out
to welcome your lost loved ones,

like their photo and favorite things,
so they find their way back to you.

So they take a bite out of cookies
like Santa Claus.


Still more ghosts than Santa.
Maybe it's easier if I show you.

Do you wanna make an ofrenda for your mom?

- That would be really cool.
- Happy to do it.

What did your mom like?

Skirts that were secretly shorts.

Amen to that.

But I mean more like
what was her favorite food?

Bugles. They had them
at the hospital where she worked.

Well, volunteered.
She was a candy striper.

- Do you have any photos?
- Yeah.

This is one of my faves.

Oh, she was so young.

If you don't mind me asking,
what happened to her?

She died.


But... how?

It's kind of embarrassing.

I'm not totally sure.

I was super young,
and any time I ask my dad,

he says he's gonna grab a beer
and then goes on a 4-mile walk.

Men are limited.

Okay, it's just you and me, the boys.

How do we get back at the twins?

Ooh. How about we make it about
the psychological instead of the physical?

Kids are sponges.

We gotta scar
the little bastards for life.

No, I'm serious.

I've changed.

- You have changed.
- Hey.

I wasn't scared.

So, hi. Yes, Eliza?

I brought you a new shirt
since yours is covered in glitter.

Uh-oh. Shirt alert. Whoop, whoop!

The shirt alert's going off
'cause there is a shirt in my hands.

You're welcome.

What is all that?

Look, I don't know, man.

Ever since I admitted I liked her
and almost told her,

sometimes it's fine,

then other times I look at her
and I don't know how to act.

Does this seem normal to you?



Here we go.

Hi, Eliza.

You look like you're in a nest
keeping your eggs warm.

How about this?



- Hi, Eliza.
- Do a school photo.

Okay, now let me see a straight ahead one.



Return of the Stepmother. Twenty...

Timmy. Please stop buying lightbulbs
from Facebook Marketplace.

Wattage has a minus
in front of the number.

Didn't mean to scare you. Hi, I'm Damon.

I'm gonna be helping
with the Halloween curation.

Hi. I'm Carlos.

I'll handle the curating myself
like always.

- Thanks.
- That's perfect.

We can just do it by ourselves,
side by side.

Oh, really?

Oh, cool. Yeah. Timmy!

Do you know if we carry
the butthole cut of Cats?

Last night's Dateline was epic.

Ugh! I missed it.
My husband had his fight club over

so it was all setting down coasters
and stitching up eyebrows.

You know how the last few episodes
have been so boring?

Man has affair with a 19-year-old hostess
at a fast-casual,

murders his wife, cries about it in court,
and says, "I'm a good Christian man."

- Snooze.
- Wake up, people,

because they finally
gave us a serial killer.

One from here.

Oh, Jesus is good.

"The Shadow Lake Killer,"
and this guy had a type.

All his victims were 5'9", candy stripers,
and, get this, natural redheads.

Why redheads? I heard they're crazy.

- Not you. You seem cool.
- What's this?

An ofrenda for Hannah's mom.

I'm trying to teach her
about Día de los Muertos.

But she's Hannah. Her only reference
for the afterlife includes Kristen Bell.

- Wait, so Hannah's mom was a redhead.
- And a candy striper.

Wai... Oh, God. What if she's a victim
of the shadow lake killer?

He had four confirmed kills,
but they suspect dozens more.

I mean, maybe?
Hannah doesn't know how she died.

- No.
- No, be real.

We've seen too much Dateline,
which isn't a criticism.

- We have to cut it with 48 Hours.
- Yeah.

My mom loved blueberries,
especially the wild ones at Shadow Lake.

Shadow Lake?

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

So question,
why did you hire someone to do my job?

Oh. Damon's an unpaid intern.
Actually, it was his idea.

We met at Hollywood Harold's estate sale,
got to talking.

I thought you'd make a great team.

There's no I in "team,"
and that's the problem.

- I work alone.
- It's a busy time.

Free help is free help.

I know Damon has good taste
because I have good taste.

We were both bidding on Hollywood Harold's
vintage horror collection.

- Damon's a horror expert.
- No, I am.

I'm an expert in all things cinema,
even movies Kevin Hart tries to hide.

Harold's Estate has original film print
of Freddy vs. Jason, non-canonical,

not even in theaters.

- You guys haven't seen it.
- I've seen it.

- Oh, you have?
- Mm-hm.

Of course I haven't.

Those twins are so annoying,

but I'm really glad Timmy
is insisting we take the high road.


Oh, those dick twins!


It's side-boob. Calm down.

Do you want me to...?

What do they even get out of that?

Screw the high road. Game on.

- We are pranking those dicks back.
- Wait, what?

It's Johnny Rastrelli all over again.

A new pizza arcade?

No. My childhood nemesis.

Johnny Rastrelli
would mess with me constantly.

My mom never let me retaliate.

Now I'm supposed to sit back
and watch him run for Senate?

I don't think so!

- I'll kill you.
- You liked that we weren't pranking back,

so we probably
shouldn't prank back, right?

Because that's what you said.

Connie, it's the most obvious answer.

The most obvious answer
is it's always the husband.

Okay, fine. But the second
most obvious answer, serial killer.

Let's do a little digging.

A little Dateline sleuthing of our own?

Always thought I'd be a great Lester Holt.

Then I'm Keith Morrison. Hannah!

Han, Han, Han. Quick question.
What's your favorite lunch place?

What's the deal with Shadow Lake?
Have a place? Rent a place?

How are the inroads, outroads? Dish, girl.

In answer to your first question,

this mom-and-pop shop near my house
called Jersey Mike's.

Oh! Mm.

And second, we lived there.
You can see it in this picture.

- Your mom was so tall. Was she a model?
- She was, 5'9".

Not tall enough for runway.
But imagine if she had IG.

Excuse me.

I'll get it.

- There's a lot of similarities, but...
- Look.

This lanky ginger's holding a book.

All the Shadow Lake Slayer's victims
were reading when they died.

That's why they almost called him
the Shadow Lake Librarian.

Do you watch it over lunch? Oh!

How about water balloons?
Classic yet effective.

How about instead of water,
we fill them with rancid mustard?

I know a breakroom fridge
that's lousy with it.

I'm gonna piggyback off your piggyback.
We sell cop costumes.

We pose as police officers,

tell them their parents
got into a terrible accident.

Ho, ho, ho!

Maybe we draw the line at felonies.

Oh, look who's here.

It's the hall monitor
here to "bust things up."

Where's your little sash, hall monitor?

I'm not a hall monitor anymore.

I mean, ever, now.

Ooh! I was in the PTA
with a dad who builds paintball guns.

We have to think Michelle Obama.
What would Shelly O do?

Never called herself that.
Anyway, how much mustard are we packing?

Everything we got.

Mustard instead of water? That's genius.

No. High road.

As fun as that sounds,
I have to be responsible.

Don't wanna get written up.

That's from the hall monitor thing
from before.

We'll make sure none of it
gets traced to you.

Put your sash on, look official.

Great. That's exactly what I wanted.

You consider yourself
a horror movie expert?

Oh, yeah, I'm an expert.

- What's the first horror movie ever made?
- The House of the Devil.

Ha! Wrong. The Devil's Manor.

If it's the American translation.

- Name of the demon from The Exorcist?
- Pazuzu. Everybody knows.

Right. Obviously, duh. I knew that too.

Well, I got a birthday Cameo
from the guy that played Jigsaw.

No way.
Hey, Neve Campbell spilled milk on me.

I met an actual Slenderman. Yeah.

Wait until you see my Halloween costume.
It's not gonna suck.

Just a little...


Ma, I can't be your date to your
retirement home's Halloween party.

My store is gonna be packed today.

Sorry, retirement resort.

Yeah. Yes, I know.
I was a very difficult birth.

Oh, no.


Those dick twins.

Uh, I'll call you back.

How much for the ice cream fridge,
without ice cream?

It's not for sale.

- What about with ice cream?
- Not for sale.

This has been
and continues to be a video rental store.

- How much to rent ice cream?
- Leave.

Okay, new store policy.
When they go low, we go lower.

- It's a limbo contest now.
- Stand down.

Me and Percy are on it.
we'll take the sign down.

The damage is already done
to the store and doughnuts.

Well, I'm already stuffed.

Aaron found that breakfast sandwich truck
that doesn't post its location.

- The Bermuda Truck-Angle?
- Yeah.

Wow, what a man. What a mighty good man.

I don't think Salt-N-Pepa
is writing songs about him yet,

but he has been trying
since we got back together.


Dinosaur with glasses?

Clever girl.

Jurassic Park. You got it. Don't tell me.

- Uh, Greatest Showman?
- I'm clearly Murphy Brown.

I'm gonna go smear butter on my hand,
try to get this off.

Jennifer Coolidge is better than this.

Why is it so warm?

Why is it so warm?

That does it.

This is my house and I will defend it.

Come on.

Is your costume
from a vampire throuple movie?


Hurtful. No, it's Dracula.

Most people go the 1931 version
and Lugosi's a genius, obvi.

But this is the little seen 1979 version.
It's pretty niche stuff.

Oh, God.

Scary, right?

I guess it's not so niche.

Think he's trying
to Single White Female you?

I mean Single Brown Male you?
I didn't mean to whitewash.

I worked too hard on this costume
for this freak to copy it.

Freak in, like, a hot way?

Hot? Maybe in like a Tim Burton,
Jack Skellington sort of way.

Skellington had legs for days.

Not the time.

Look at us.

We're identical twins, right?

I know the map is of Raging Waters,
but it's crystal clear.

I'm so glad Hannah's mom
has us to solve her case.

What is this? Who cares?

I'm going full-prank John Wick
on those twins.

- Cool.
- Okay.

It is cool.

I am not staying out of the fray.

I know how to save a life
because I am The Fray.

The band, The Fray.

Come on,
watch one episode of Grey's Anatomy.

I'm going into Carol's store

to plant stink bombs
in the twins' backpacks.

- Show Eliza and Percy how it's done.
- That's a terrible plan.

The twins are expecting retaliation
and they're watching the doors.

I'm going in through the roof.
Carol has a skylight.

Come on, let's go.

He keeps stink bombs in his office?

Preston, I'm telling you.
It's got thrills, chills,

and the highest concentration
of Wayans outside of their mom's house.

- Scary Movie 2.
- You know what I think you'd like more.

- Ooh. Scary Movie 4.
- Ha. You just picked a higher number.

- That has no Wayans in it.
- Shaquille O'Neal and Dr. Phil.

- And characters inspired by the Wayans?
- Yeah.

- This seems good.
- Right?

My guy.

- Yo! Yes!
- Want some free popcorn?

Hey, so is Timmy okay?

Seems like the stress
of the store's really getting to him.

Something is definitely getting to him.


- Were you an Eagle Scout?
- Yeah.

Up until our scoutmaster got fired
for turning us into cocaine hippos.

- Yikes. I could tell.
- Oh, yeah, he was a trip.

It's a hell of a balloon knot.
Working together is kind of nice.

If I can't hang with my boy Tim,
you make a decent bench player.

- Thank you.
- Normally when I'm with you

it's like all the bad parts
about being married.

- But this has been fun.
- I got it.

Ooh, ooh. There they are. Revenge is ours.

- Revenge is ours.
- Let's go.

Ugh. Why did I wear heels?

Stop jiggling those. You look like a perv.


What the hell just happened?



- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪

- ♪ Rock the boat ♪
- ♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪

♪ Rock the boat ♪


Just cleaning myself
after falling through a skylight.

You know, normal stuff.
Please tell me Carol...

She just reaggravated
an old hunting injury.

She says she's totally fine.

She's drunk, but I believe her.

I should've stayed out of it,

but I couldn't let those jerks
keep getting the best of us.

I'm so stupid.

So stupid. This easily
makes your top five dumb things.

In high school you sunburned
the Grateful Dead bear on your forehead.

I stand by that decision.

So I told Carol
that the twins crashed the skylight.

She's sending those little buttholes
to reform school. Last laugh.

What did you do?

Well, if friends can't depend
on each other for revenge,

what's the point?

Plus, you can't have blood on your hands.
You're the boss.




- What the hell is your problem?
- Oh. Well, I'm allergic to tree nuts.

Gluten wrecks me.
The sun and are not friends...

No, you keep stealing my customers,

jacked my Halloween costume,
and try to out movie knowledge me.


Well, because I like you.

So that was you flirting?

I guess I'm good with movies
but not so good with boys.

I wouldn't say that. You do have
a David Arquette in Scream appeal.

I know we're making out in the closet,

but I'm not in the closet.
Openly bisexual and proud.

Just so you know,
I don't mind we're in a confined space.

Claustrophiliac, population me.

Mm. Okay.

We can't tell Hannah the truth.

Why not? It's what Dateline's all about.

Delivering terrible news under the guise
of helping the family find peace.

What if she wants
to devote her life to revenge?

You think the girl who paints
her fingernails with dinosaur stickers

- has the follow-through for revenge?
- She might.

Come on. Hannah, there's something
we need to tell you about your mom.

- No, but before you do, you need to...
- Ew. Gross.

My mom hated reading.
She always said movies were faster.

- In this photo she's holding a book.
- Grandma got it for her.

She was going to throw it in the lake.

She hated reading.

- Hated, hated, hated.
- Got it.

Then we have nothing else to say.

Thanks for this, Connie.

It's nice to feel so close to my mom.

Happy to help.

That was almost really bad.

Almost really bad is the story of my life.

But, hey, even though
Hannah's mom didn't get murdered,

at least she got the spirit
of Día de los Muertos.

And she left her a note.

"Hi, Mom, it's Hannah.

Love you and miss you.

Should I get bangs?

Circle 'yes' or 'no.'"

We're telling her no, right?

Hannah can't have bangs.

Her face is like a hexagon.

Hey, man. I am so sorry about all this.

I know you're responsible for the damage,
but I'll take care of it.

It's fine. I got it covered.

No, it's my fault.

Not sure how I'm gonna
come up with the money.

Store didn't do as well as I expected,
but I'll figure it out.

Are rare Pogs worth anything now
or is it like Beanie Babies?

Stop, Tim. I got you.
That's what friends are for.

Thanks, Perc.

Sorry, I've been so off my game
the past few weeks.

I feel like I missed my window with Eliza
whether it was open or not.

It's frustrating
'cause I've liked her for so long.

You need to forget about Eliza.

- She is messing up your life.
- But she's great.

You had so much fun with her today.

She's fine at best.

I was hanging with her because
she was down to mess with the twins

when my boy wasn't there, as usual.

We haven't kicked it much lately.

We haven't.

My parents are pissed too 'cause I haven't
visited enough since I took over.


I have a pretty full life.

I don't need Eliza.

What you need is a drink,
and another after that.

- Sounds like a night I wanna have.
- Give it up.

I wish my parents were alive enough
to be pissed at me.

They were always pissed at you.

One more rapid-fire question.
What film was your queer awakening?

- Ooh. Rufio in Hook for sure.
- Really?

Oh, yeah.
Young me wanted to bangarang him.

- You?
- Hands down, Addams Family.

- Anjelica Huston and Raul Julia?
- Yeah.

I only blinked during Pugsley scenes.
And Y Tu Mamá También.

It's straight for 90 minutes.

- Until it's not! Yeah.
- Until it's not!

I can't wait to get this costume off.
Thank God Halloween is only once a year.

- It doesn't have to be.
- Hmm?

I'm part of a group
of like-minded individuals

who think that Halloween
can and should be year-round.

Hey, I thought we were gonna have a drink.

Just getting the mail.
Twins superglued this shut.

No. You don't gotta do that right now.

Let's go to the bar
before Mitch starts to reuse glasses.

An eviction notice?

What gives, man?

I wasn't supposed to be with you
when you found that.

I'm sorry corporate's
not giving you money anymore,

but the rent, Tim, the rent.
I felt real bad about it.

- That's why I drew a sad face.
- I don't get it.

After I rehired Kayla for you

and you were so cool
with the damage to Carol's store?

I paid for Kayla.

Insurance paid for the damages.

But I use your rent money
to pay for my insurance.

I'm sorry, but you have until the end
of next month. Just business.

So... still wanna have that drink?

Just business.

♪ Lace bitter
Then get 'er ♪

♪ Pushin' till I'm on the 100 dollar bill
If I'm frank with you ♪

♪ But to do that, I gotta leave ♪

♪ I've been blowin' with the breeze
Now I'm rolling up my sleeves ♪

♪ They've been working me hard ♪

♪ I've been doing what I can
Being perfectly flawed ♪

♪ But I'm about to re-wire
Till the circuitry spark ♪

♪ Can you stay stressed?
Unless you got a blank check, not ♪

♪ I promise, no longer my diss ♪

♪ That got me so far
And it stopped the progress ♪

♪ So till I see a ship, I'm on the road
I already got some motion with the flow ♪

♪ I gotta leave
Hey, I gotta leave ♪

- ♪ I gotta leave ♪
- ♪ I gotta go, yo, it's time to go ♪

- ♪ It's time to go ♪
- ♪ Tell the boss, yeah, I'm movin' on ♪

- ♪ I'm movin' on ♪
- ♪ 'Cause this progress is kind of slow ♪

♪ So slow ♪

- ♪ You see, I'm waitin' on my ship ♪
- ♪ Keep waitin' ♪

- ♪ But my ship ain't comin' in ♪
- ♪ Uh-uh ♪

- ♪ Nine to five is not my number ♪
- ♪ No, it's not ♪