Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - full transcript

Oh, well, look.
Slim Jim over here's flirting.

Mother. I hate how you get
around truckers.

Ooh, let's see
if I can get him to honk.

- (tires screeching)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, Lord.

I'm MayKay Bueller
reporting live from Highway 311

where an 18-wheeler
hauling Slim Jims turned over,

shutting down the highway
for hours.

Several injuries
have been reported

as fights broke out
over the errant Jims.

With me are
a mother and daughter



who narrowly escaped
the Jim Jam.

Just speak right
into this top part right here.

- Here we are.
- We were driving down 311

with all of our feet
in the car, obviously,

and all of a sudden
there was a huge crash.

That trucker
must've gotten distracted.

Probably caught sight
of a beautiful woman.

"Local Grandma"?
What in the hell?

♪ Somebody's gonna pay
with their life! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The squeegee man has returned.

(imitating squeaks)

(laughs): Wayne, stop.



They hired you to wash
the windows at that high-rise,

- not my butt.
- Should I go?

I can't tell
if this is romantic or not.

Okay, y'all, I need you
to be serious for a minute.

When Mother comes in
for breakfast,

she's gonna be all weird,
so go easy on her.

She's taking this "local
grandma" thing really hard.

- (groans)
- Uh-oh.

Psych! Who's that teenager
that just walked in?

Oh, it's me.

Instasnap. Chatgram.

LOL. I am triggered.

Oh, Mother, you look amazing.

You never looked
more beautiful, Betty.

I hope this is the outfit
that you one day haunt me in.

Can you believe my Miss Teen
Tobacco leaf gown still fits?

Hell yeah, Betty.

You didn't cause
a 15-car pile-up

'cause you look
like some old-ass grandma.

No duh.

That trucker was looking over at
me like I was Claudia Swiffer.

-Yeah, Gram. You look great for 60.
-(gasps)

(whispers):
Oh, Violet. Run, baby, run.

- How old is she?
- No one knows.

She hole-punched the date
out of her driver's license.

(Brenda groans)

Look at those rich butts and
their untouched bread basket.

What kind of evil bitch
doesn't eat a free roll?

(singsongy): Doo, doo-doo-doo.

Y'all better straighten up
and act like somebody,

because those
are the Ladies of Greenpoint.

Yes, they are community VIPs.

They adopt highways,
they do soup kitchens

and they give
gently used sweater sets

to homeless people.

MARY JILL (chuckles): Excuse me.

- Hello?
- (snapping fingers)

Hell no.
I hate being snapped at.

Uh-oh. Looks like someone
just ordered a Filet-O-Fist.

I'll handle these high-society
cooter clamps.

Okay, we have a Cobb salad,
no cheese, no meat, no egg.

The chicken Caesar, hold
the chicken, hold the Caesar.

Grilled shrimp salad, no shrimp.

And a BLT,
hold the B, T and bread.

And a side of 24 lemon wedges.

Oh, what attention to detail.

Usually we have to send our
orders back six or seven times,

and she just nailed it.

Wait, I know you.
You're Betty Hart's daughter.

Don't tell me.
Genevieve, uh, Juniper?

- It's Jenny.
- Jennifer. Right.

I'm Marjune Culpepper,
your mother's friend.

Ladies, you don't know this, but
Jennifer's mother Betty and I

- shared a lover.
- (all gasping)

- I'll have what she's having.
- JENNY: Randy.

Betty was courted by my beloved
late husband Morris.

And later in life,
I, too, caught Betty fever.

So, more waters?

Ladies, I just had one
of my classic wonderful ideas.

Jennifer should be the food
and beverage coordinator

for our annual charity gala.

-Yes. -I agree. -Of course!

Um, I don't know.

Been so busy here working
doubles, so I-I don't think so.

And the pay is hardly
worth mentioning.

- Well, then definitely no.
- $250.

I'll do it.

Wayne, I can't believe your job

is literally looking
in people's windows.

It's the best thing ever.

Well, my job is washing windows.

But, Wayne, you get to see
people in their homes

when they don't know
they're being watched.

It's literally a window
into their lives.

Wayne, you have to let me
come with you. Please?

- No, absolutely not.
- (groans) Boo.

Nope. I don't care how mad
you get, it's too dangerous.

"Oh, you never
let me do anything."

"Violet, I'm just
looking out for you." Door slam.

"Peanut, get out of there.
It's been two days.

You got to eat."
Breaks down the door.

(gasps) She ran away.
"Jenny, I tried."

Okay, yeah.
Yeah, you can come with.

- What was that?
- I gamed it out in my mind, and you won.

- Well played.
- Okay. Yes, cool.

(chuckles) Can we also stop
and get frozen yogurt?

No. We're not getting yogurt.

(huffs)

"Wayne, you're no fun."

"What? I'm the most fun."
"You're not my real dad."

(gasps) "Why'd you have
to take it to that place?

Violet, come back.
Those are train tracks."

(imitates train passing)

(crying): "No! Jenny, I tried."

- Yogurt it is.
- Good Lord.

(indistinct chatter, laughter)

Welcome, Ladies of Greenpoint.

(applause)

This year,
we are going to tackle

one of the most
debilitating conditions

facing women around the globe:
female age.

-Tragic. -That is so sad.
-There has to be another way.

Female age is deadly

and affects 100%
of the female population.

Oh, you mean, just getting old?

Hush. This is important.

It starts
with a single gray hair.

And suddenly,
you are completely invisible.

No one holding a door for you,

no one offering
to buy you a drink,

no one giving you
the elevator eyes.

- No.
- This is a charity?

MARJUNE: Crow's feet. Flopjaw.

Raisin knees.

- Forearm crepe.
- (others gasping)

Minotaur haunch.
Loss of profile.

Sleeve Kleenex. Toe jumble.

Taffy lobes. Nest hair.

Horse gums. And... neck rings.

Statement jewelry
can only work so hard.

- Am I right, ladies?
- (murmuring)

What can be done?

Sadly, there is no cure.

-(gasps) -But the
symptoms can be managed,

through cosmetic surgery,

creams, slimes and foreskins.

- (groans)
- This year, our annual gala

is dedicated to helping
low-income sufferers

get the procedures
they so desperately need.

Wait, this is for poor people
to get plastic surgery?

Y'all, I'm exactly
who this charity is meant for.

I got to shake my buns

and get me some
of those charity procedures.

Marjune!

Oh, hello, Betty.

(smooching)

Oh, you two,
thank you for coming.

It is so nice to have some
new faces around here.

Speaking of new faces,

how might I get one?

Oh, Betty, I don't think
you need a thing.

Marjune, look at my face.

These are the crow's feet
of a local grandma. Please!

You know what,
my little cigarillo?

You just shot to the top
of the Female Age Relief List.

And that's how you do that.

This is some ridiculous
rich-butt crap.

$250 is not worth my soul.

Oh, Jennifer, I almost forgot.

Here's the 250 I owe you.

Marjune, these are
all ten-dollar bills.

Yes, 250 ten-dollar bills.

That's $2,500.

Shouldn't these be ones?

(laughs) They stopped making
one-dollar bills years ago.

Bye-bye, soul.

So we still on for margs
and nachos at Slusheritos?

It's what I live for... getting
slushed with my best Frenda.

What the hell?
Jenny, did you rob a bank

and not bring me with?

You know that's
on my bucket list.

No, it's my pay from the Ladies
of Greenpoint thing I'm doing.

(groans)
Bunch of rich finger-snappers.

You know what, Brenda, you're
gonna get in on this, too.

- You're coming to the gala!
- I don't think so.

There's gonna be a prime rib
carving station.

The orange heat lamp,
the wood block,

the husky man
in the tall white hat

with a big smile
and a generous knife.

Don't try to use my love

of freshly carved meat
to manipulate me.

Sorry, it's done.
I'm putting your name

- on the list for the gala.
- Whatever, dude.

I don't know
why Brenda's so mad.

Come on, Jenny, do the math.

The Ladies of Greenpoint
are the cool kids.

You and Brenda were
best friends in middle school,

but now it's high school,
and you just got picked

for J.V. cheerleading.

Jesus, have you been binging
coming-of-age movies?

Brenda just doesn't want
this new relationship

to affect your friendship.

Like in Pretty in Pink
when Andie fell in love

with that rich guy
and ignored Duckie?

Or in Mean Girls when Cady said
she was gonna infiltrate

the Queen Bees,
but instead became one of them?

Working for a bunch
of rich ladies

isn't gonna change who I am.

♪ I'm still, I'm still
Jenny from the block. ♪

Hey, you know, I gave J.Lo
the idea for that song.

- You did?
- Yeah, I give everyone
their ideas for their songs.

Well, me and cocaine,
but it's mostly me.

Oh, funny story, Eric Clapton's
"Cocaine"... that was me.

But "Jesus Is Just Alright
with Me"?

- Cocaine?
- Yep, so much cocaine.

- (car horn honks)
- VANESSA: Jennifer!

(honking continues)

♪ ♪

Sure your friend
is still coming?

Her Slusherito is separating.

Dump it back in
for another spin.

She'll be here.

♪ I'm in control ♪

- ♪ My worries are few ♪
- (phone vibrating)

♪ 'Cause I got love
like I never knew ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I got a new attitude ♪

♪ I'm wearing a new dress ♪

♪ New hat ♪

♪ Brand-new ideals
as a matter of fact ♪

♪ I've changed for good ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It must have been
the cool night, new moon ♪

♪ Slight change or that look ♪

♪ In your eye that makes me... ♪

Ah, what have we here?

What? That's just
a nice old lady.

VIOLET:
That's what
she wants you to think.

Look how bowlegged she is.

She obviously used
to ride horses.

Or no, wait.

Motorcycles.

That lady?

- No way.
- (engine revs)

Dang! That is incredible.

- You were dead-on, Violet.
- Let's do another one.

Oh, oh, oh, let me do this one!

Okay, this guy
is clearly on death row,

and-and-and he's
having his last meal.

How is he on death row
in a condo?

Maybe it's house arrest
death row?

Like they'll come to get him
when it's time to kill him?

I'm not as good
at this as you are.

Wayne, look at his mawashi.

He is clearly training
to be a sumo wrestler.

WAYNE: Whoa!

Violet, you are
a genius at this.

Wayne, stop!

Wigs... clearly this one

is a master of disguise.

Or maybe it's just a lady
who likes to have fun,

but doesn't want to spend
too much time getting ready.

Whoa! Now this is interesting.

Right? A stay-at-home jeweler.

No! He's a James Bond-level
international jewel thief,

who can slip in
and out of a room unnoticed.

Don't know why he's slumming it
here in Greenpoint.

He usually works
out of Monaco or St. Barths.

Also, he's allergic
to shellfish.

Hmm?

- (both scream)
- Go, go, go!

Brenda, what are you
doing in here?

There's no reason to come out.

I hate waiting tables.

The only reason I even come here
is to be with my friend,

but she doesn't
work here anymore.

She's been replaced
by a straight-haired,

hoity-toity hooker

- with a cold, dead heart.
- (gasps)

Brenda, that's not fair.
I'm sorry I had to bail

on Slusheritos,
but I'm not a hooker.

You are doing things you don't
want to do for money.

But it's a lot of money.

And also, it just feels so good

to be in with the crème
de la crème of Greenpoint.

You know, just like
Dirty Dancing when Baby

is finally accepted by
Johnny Castle and his friends.

But they were the scuzzbags
in that situation.

Your analogy doesn't work.

Some of them are
actually kind of nice.

Oh, there's this one girl you
would love, her name's Kirkie...

What?! I cannot be friends

with someone who is friends
with a Kirkie!

So just 'cause I'm working
my butt off to make

a little extra money,
we're not friends anymore?

I guess not,
'cause my friends show up.

Oh, come on, just come
to the gala with me

and get to know them.
I swear you'll have fun.

Not!

Seriously?

Oh! So you're the
Female Age Grant recipient?

In the soon
to be tightened flesh.

Congratulations.

Okay, let's see what
we're working with here.

Right, so we'll tighten
this... boo-boo-boo.

Plump this... bop-bop-bop.

Move this... scoochie-scoochie.

Lift this... scooby-doobie,
tuck and roll.

Injection... squank,
zip, zap, zop and we're done.

And remember,
no eating or drinking

- before the procedure tomorrow.
- Oh, no.

But tonight's the gala.

Okay, I'll make you a deal...
I won't eat or drink tonight,

and you throw in a little
sprucing of my lady bouquet.

I don't know what that means.

You know, a little pressure wash
of my fun zone.

Okay, I lied.
I do know what that means.

I just wanted to end
this conversation.

(lively jazz music playing)

All right, y'all,
welcome to my labor of love.

Ta-da!

Whoa, Mom, this is the fanciest
thing I've ever seen.

Mmm, Mama could get
used to this.

Great job, Jenny.

And, wow, you look beautiful.

Careful! Don't mash the hair.

Fresh blowout. Kirkie!

Uh, what did any
of those words mean?

Maybe "Kirkie" is rich-person
talk for "hello"?

Y'all, would you look
at that buffet.

It's like a Shoney's
for the Queen of England.

And I can't touch it because
of my damn surgery tomorrow.

Lord, give me strength!

Waiter, just pour me
a glass of ice...

w-w-water.

(indistinct chatter)

Wayne, look!

- Oh, no.
- What the heck

is that stay-at-home jeweler
doing here?

Not that I'm scared.
I'm just asking.

VIOLET:
Look at all these rich ladies
wearing all their finest jewels.

Wayne, come on.
We got to track him.

No way, Vi. We're not
following some stranger around

at your mother's party.

"But, Wayne..."

"Come on, Violet,
don't be like that."

(gasps) Icy ride home.

"Violet, why won't you
put on your seat belt?

What are those headlights?"
Truck coming at us head-on.

(imitates siren)

"Violet. Violet, say something.
Anything."

(imitates monitor flatlining)

"Jenny, I tried."
Okay, let's tail him.

- I got some walkie-talkies
in my truck.
- Yes!

(indistinct chatter)

Jennifer, we have just been
blown away

by all the amazing work
you've done.

And so we'd like to
formally invite you

to become a Lady of Greenpoint.

Care to join our little
band of sisters?

Really? Me?

Brenda! Oh, Brenda.

Can we put my friend
on the list? Brenda Clemmons?

I don't think she's really
our type of people.

I'm sorry,
all the tables are full.

Okay, um...

Jenny. Holy crap,
is this Vanna White's house?

Brenda, I thought you said
you weren't coming.

Aw, you look so nice.

Aw, I can't stay mad
at you, Jenny. You know that.

Now point me towards
that prime rib station.

Oh, Brenda, I'm so sorry.

Um, there's been a mix-up,

uh, with the seating.

(grumbling)

Oh, I get it.

That's, uh, finger-snapper speak
for "They don't want me here."

Which is perfect,
'cause, uh, this is a prank.

- Boom, bitches.
- (others gasping)

I wish y'all could see
the ding-dong looks

on your idiot, pranked faces.

Brenda!

If we're really gonna do this,
we're gonna do it right.

I have experience
in tracking people.

Remember,
I was a security guard at Belks.

If he makes even one move
for the door,

I'll tackle him.

You're not tackling
that adult man.

No, I'm for sure
gonna tackle him.

This might be my only chance
to tackle somebody. There he is.

WAYNE:
I'm going over. You stay here.

- No tackling.
- But I feel a tackle coming on.

(groans)

I think I really screwed
something up with Brenda.

Can't talk now.
I'm tailing a jewel thief.

She thinks I'm a different
person, but I'm not.

- VIOLET: Mm. Mm-hmm.
- I didn't get her into the gala,

but she said
she didn't want to come.

Oh, my God.
He's gonna go for it.

This guy just wants
to get tackled so bad.

I'm just doing this
for the money.

It's not like I'm one of them.
(chuckles)

Even though this pin
is really pretty.

- You think this is rose gold?
- Oh, no.

He's coming over here. Pretend
we're having a conversation.

I thought we were
having a conversation.

Oh, yes, Mom.
Exactly what you just said.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

- (forced laughter)
- Okay, whatever, Violet.

I can't feel guilty
about Brenda right now.

I have a frickin' job to do.

- (static crackles)
- Wayne, I lost him.

Wayne, do you copy?

Wayne?

What are you doing?

I didn't lose him.
He's right there.

I'm on him like sunblock
on Julianne Moore.

Oh, where'd he go?

Oh, God, oh, God.

(Betty inhales sharply,
moans softly)

Betty, I know you can't tell
because my face

looks so frozen and wet,
but I'm worried.

Where is your light?

My light ran out of batteries,

- and my batteries are crab legs.
- What?

I just got to get that surgery
over with tomorrow,

and then I can chow down
with my new young face.

Betty, a youthful appearance

requires continual sacrifice.

During your gruesome recovery,

you'll only be able to drink
broth through a straw.

And once you're healed, you will
be addicted to pain killers.

But the good news is they'll
keep your appetite at bay.

Betty, I haven't been in the sun
or eaten anything

other than dry salads
for 25 years.

Tomorrow is only the beginning.

You know what?

I think I know an easier way
to fix this face.

Smoked Gouda. Sheer heaven.

Perfect.

Yep. Surgery's off.

- Thanks anyway, Marjune.
- Betty, you're right.

I love seeing that cheese
give you so much pleasure.

May I feed you?

Uh, I-I guess.

Okay, this is taking too long.
I got food to eat.

(glass clinking)

We have got
a very special surprise guest

to kick off tonight's gala.

Please put your hands together
for Patti LaBelle impersonator

- Julie Vous Coucher.
- (cheering)

Where are my backup singers?

Oh, my God. It's him.

♪ Running hot, running cold ♪

♪ I was running into overload ♪

♪ I got a new attitude... ♪

That's what all the jewels
were for.

Of course.

Oh, what? There's supposed
to be champagne glasses here.

Can we get
some champagne flutes here?

The stemmed glasses. Hello?

I can't believe it. I'm putting
two fingers together

and snapping
at another human being.

I'm still doing it.
Stop it, Jenny.

I'd like all the Ladies of
Greenpoint to come up on stage.

And I'd like everyone to give
an especially warm welcome

to our newest member
Jennifer Hart.

- (applause)
- (microphone feedback)

It's Jenny.
My friends call me Jenny.

And I'd like to take
this moment to say

that I am officially resigning
from the Ladies of Greenpoint.

Y'all are so cool and so
glamorous, but you know what?

This isn't for me.

I mean, i-it was great to be
asked into the popular group

like a beautiful nerd
in a teen movie,

but now I have put
my glasses back on,

and I can see that this
fundraiser is kind of a joke.

- (all gasping)
- Female age?

This money should be
going to climate change

or-or public schools.

But, honestly, I'm the one
who hasn't been very charitable,

to my best friend Brenda.

And I let her down big-time.

I only wish she was here
so I could give her

the dramatic public apology
she deserves.

BRENDA: Oh, I'm here.

- (others gasping)
- Security guards at these things

are notoriously seducible.

There she is.

Okay, y'all. You see that woman,

climbing out from under
the prime rib station,

looking all gorgeous?

She would kill for me.

And I mean it, y'all.
First degree murder.

And she'd never tell me,
because she wouldn't want me

to be an accessory
after the fact.

Now I'm gonna have
the time of my life,

and I owe it all to you, Brenda.

- ♪ ♪ - (gasping, murmuring)

(cheering, whooping)

What's happening,
what's happening?

- I'm falling forward.
- BRENDA: Use your core!

- Come on!
- (cheering, whooping)

Whoa, Jenny.

Thank you for the double
Diamondschlager Slusherito.

You got it, girl.

This friendship is worth
its weight in Diamondschlager.

Julie Vous Coucher
was a thief, kind of.

In that he stole my heart

doing the duet
"On My Own" on his own.

A Patti LaBelle impersonator.

How could I have been
so violently off?

(door opens, closes)

♪ Are few, 'cause I got love ♪

♪ Like I never knew ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... ♪

- (meows)
- (horn honks musically)