Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Crappy Death Day - full transcript

A psychic puts a curse on Jenny after wrongly guessing when Betty would die; Wayne goes on a fishing trip with his work buddies that becomes a manhunt for an endangered species.

Hang on to your guac,

'cause it's time for...

America's... Funniest... People

Getting Out of... a Booth

in a Mexican... Restaurant.

Uh-oh. Looks like Junior has to
go to the little señor's room.

"This vinyl booth is sticky.

Why did I wear shorts?"

Ooh-hoo, my thighs are stinging
just looking at that.

This.

This is how
I want to remember y'all.



Gram, are you okay?

Violet, I want you to have this.

200 AC/DC dollars
from the "Moneytalks" tour.

Since Brexit, they're worth more

than the pound.

Thanks?

Wayne, take care of my Jenny.

And just know that I was hard
on you 'cause I care about you.

Um... thanks?

What the heck is going on?

This is extra, even for Gram.

Ugh. Oh, no.

A few years ago,
that stupid psychic she goes to

told her what day
she was gonna die.



Violet, hand me that calendar.

Yup, it's today all right.

Oh, so she seriously thinks
she's gonna die

by the stroke of midnight?
Amazing.

Oh... Lord!

And, Jenny, my precious angel...

Oh, it's still going.

I can only imagine
how hard it was

for you to have such a strong

and captivating woman
as your mother.

But soon you'll be free

from the pressure
of living in my shadow.

Good Lord.

Anything else you want to say
before I go to be with Jesus?

Fine, Mother, you were never,
ever a burden,

a great mom,
and every day was a gift.

Oh, thank you, baby,
for telling me the truth.

Fare thee well,
mon Ferrero Rochers.

How do you like your
blue-eyed girl, Mr. Death?

Jesus, I am coming your way.

And three, two.

Oh, what the hell?!

I've been bamboozled!

Oh, are you going fishing with
your ding-dong friends today?

Hey, those ding-dong friends
are my friends.

And getting them
to go fishing was not easy.

Their idea of what's fun
is pretty different than mine.

Hey, homes.

Five bucks says
you won't eat this light bulb.

- You're on.
- No!

Guys, do not jump
into the garden center.

You will break your ankles.

We already broke our ankles.

You can't rebreak an ankle.

Insulation smackdown!

You guys, that fiberglass is
gonna make you itchy as hell.

Sounds like you're itching
to get tackled, homie.

Their credo is basically
"What doesn't kill me

makes me funner."

Well, like Jesus once said,
"I'm back."

Betty, I'm so glad
you're still with us.

Don't rub it in, Wayne.

Gram, just so you know, I was
gonna pretend you were a ghost

when you came out,
but Mom wouldn't let me.

Thank you, baby. Stupid psychic.

I sunk good money
into this death:

put a casket on layaway,
got a mold of my bust

to be sent to the original
members of Whitesnake,

and let's not forget
the Betty Hart Memorial Garden.

Yeah, who could have predicted

former interior decorator-
turned-psychic

Vohnnie Ray Power
would have ripped you off?

Yeah, technically,
he ripped you off.

I used your bank card.

Seriously?! Ooh, you are such
a pain in my butt all the time.

We are going down there
right now

and getting our...
my money back.

I'm so excited.

Do you think Vohnnie Ray
knows we're on our way?

- No.
- Oh, yes.

I can't believe you're making us
go fishing, homes.

And I can't believe
you wouldn't let me ride

Cape Fear style
on the way over here.

I'm not letting you strap
yourself under my truck, Doug.

Whoa, what the hell is this?

That there is either

God's biggest mistake
or the devil's masterpiece.

It's called a snakehead,

and it's been gobbling up
everything in sight

in every waterway
on the East Coast.

And now it's here in Greenpoint.

Yeah? So what?
We got a new fish.

What's the big deal, brahs?

This is no ordinary "fursh"!

It can breathe on land
for hours at a time.

It's as smart as a dumb
five-year-old child.

And it secretes a neurotoxin
that is more powerful than LSD.

Oh, hell yeah.

Aw, got to catch that fish,
homes.

Geez, where did it come from?

They say Asia,
but if you ask me,

they are not of this world.

They're killing all the fish.

And they're coming after us
next, boys.

Ruth, don't scare the customers.

But, seriously,
if y'all do catch a snakehead,

do not put it back in the water.

Put it on ice, and call
the snakehead tip line.

Aah!

Did you just huff an airhorn?

Ever since my run-in
with a snakehead,

it's the only thing
that keeps me sane.

Like we have a hundred dollars

- to spend on this horse crap.
- Oh, what do you care?

When I was about to die,
you didn't even sniff.

Let me in,
you dollar store sorcerer!

I cannot wait for this spiritual
shaman to confirm

that I am a witch.

Violet, you are not a witch.

I have BWE... big witch energy.

Where are you?
Come on out, Nostra-dumb-ass.

Hello? Hello?

Sorry. I just was
in the little wizard's room.

Betty Jean Hart,
as I live and breathe!

More like,
as I live and breathe.

You told me
my death day was yesterday,

and here I am, still alive.

That is a refund situation.

We're not leaving until
you give us our money back.

Oh. Oh, I see
what's going on here.

Betty, you thought I was talking
about your physical death,

but what I was talking about was
your metaphorical death.

Here we go.

Of course.

How could I have ever
doubted you, Vohnnie?

You're still giving
our money back.

Minus the cost of this book...
Bun in the Coven:

Motherhood, Witchcraft,
and the Ties That Bind.

I have to have it.
Please, please, please.

Oh, no. Hold on a second.
I'm sensing a dark energy.

Yes! I knew it.

It's me. Here it comes.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

No, it's coming from her.

-What?
-Betty, I don't know how
to tell you this,

but your daughter is cursed.

Going back a long way.

It's in her blood.

Oh, so I ask for our money back,
and suddenly I'm cursed?

Okay, watch this.

So how much to lift
this convenient curse

you just discovered?

Oh, I'm afraid
this curse runs so dark

and so deep,
no amount of money can lift it.

- No! My daughter!
- But since I'm her daughter,

I've got some of it, right?

I'm at least a minor hag
or a necromancer?

Ugh! I can't be around
all y'all's darkness!

This reading was free.
Take the book. Just get out!

At least tell me
my real death date.

Or better yet, hers.

When am I gonna bury
my daughter?

Y'all saw what just
happened, right?

He made us think
we saved a hundred dollars

when all he did was keep
the hundred he already had.

But, Jenny, you're cursed.

Oh, come on. I'm not cursed.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, no, no, hang on.

A bird bathrooming on you
is considered good luck.

What does it mean
when two more birds poop on you?

It means you're triple lucky,
so nothing's wrong.

Just stepped in dog doo,
then gum.

I know what I stepped in.

Uh, Mom?

Ugh! Still there!

Ugh! Just get in the car!

See, isn't this nice?

Nobody's eating glass
or other non-food items.

Let's just take a minute
and enjoy the sounds of nature.

You hooked my eyelid!

Aah, dang it!

You got my eyelid, too, homes.

Oh, Wayne,
get a picture of this.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we
should just pull the boat in

and then just go home
and go to sleep.

This is crazy. That fish

looks just like the snake...

Oh, my God!

No. Come here, bastard.

Let go, homes.

Let me lick that LSD fish.

Yeah, you heard
what that lady said.

- This fish is full of drugs.
- No.

She said that its slime is
a dangerous neurotoxin.

That's why I want to lick it.

Nobody's messing with this fish.

We had a hard enough time

getting it into the cooler
without touching it.

Okay, Wayne. You're right.
We shouldn't lick it.

Oh, we should fast-track that
buzz by putting it in our rears.

You know, booty-chug
that thing, dude.

Oh, hell yeah!
Let's keister that fish!

No. No licking, no keistering.

We're gonna follow
the instructions

and call
the snakehead tip line...

Hello? Snakehead tip line?
This is Wayne Edwards.

I have a snakehead, and if
y'all don't pay us $20,000,

- I'm-a set it free.
- What?! What are you doing?

It's the most wanted fish
in North Carolina, man.

People would pay us good money
to not release this hostage.

- It's a reverse ransom.
- Terrible idea.

Now give me... that... phone.

The snakehead!

Dang, that thing really
can survive on land.

I hate to be
the I-told-you-so guy,

but this whole thing
could have been avoided

if that fish was in my rear.

Welp, looks like
this fishing trip

just turned into a hunting trip.

Can't believe you're cursed.
Lucky.

Violet, what are you wearing?

Well, you heard what
Vohnnie said. I'm not a witch.

I'm just a total boring normal.

Might as well just go ahead
and embrace my lame destiny.

Meanwhile, in a minute,
you'll probably have snakes

crawling out of your earholes
and stuff.

Violet, I'm not cursed.
Curses aren't real.

Ow! Who moved this table?!

Hi, Jenny. You got a little
surprise in the mail.

Hmm. Okay. Now, would a cursed
person get a nice surprise

in the mail? I don't think so.

You got jury duty.

I thought you said
it was a surprise.

You seem surprised.

When you're dancing
with the devil,

could you put
in a bad word for me?

See if you can get me
some Carrie powers.

There is no curse.

Okay? I'm just having a bad day.

Bad things happen to one person

over and over again
all the time.

It's called life.

- And when you're an adult...
- Mom.

...life just starts to feel

- like one big curse.
- Mom.

But you have to power through.

Mom, your bed's on fire!

Oh, my God!

I'm cursed.

Why'd you have to use my phone?

Now they're gonna trace the call
and come after us.

Oh, come on, Wayne.
Holding this fish for ransom's

gonna be way more fun
than regular fishing.

Doing ransom is not fun.

Look, homeses.

Let's grab it.

Easy. Easy, now.

Gotcha!

Please, Wayne, I need your help.

I need to get back
to my home planet,

Blockteetapolakatatee 7.

And this is
a real-life E.T. situation.

No.

E.T.s are
my species' mortal enemy.

Everyone thinks they're so cut,

but they're actually
a planet of serial fondlers.

They fondle
our nips and bits, Wayne.

- What?
Oh,
the things they do to us, Wayn.

The inappropriate jokes,

commenting on the size
of our mucus sacs.

We always have to say,
"Our eyes are up here."

And those light-up fingers?

Oh, they put them everywhere.

Everywhere, Wayne!

Hold on. You're talking
about that cute little dude

in the Blossom hat
that eats Reese's Pieces?

What's cute on your planet
is aggressively creepy on ours.

So, what are you doing here?

We need a new homeworld,
and yours looks delicious.

Pretty standard sci-fi stuff.

- Wait, so you mean...
- Ding, ding, ding.

Winner, winner, human dinner.

No! No!

Wayne, you okay, man?

Aw, it got away, homes.

Wayne, are you all right?

You fellas wanted to go fishing?

- Not really, but okay.
- Well...

- We're going fishing.
- Huh?

Whoop, do you think
there was any on my han...

What in the hell?

This is it.
The beginning of the end.

I mean, who even knows
if I'm gonna wake up tomorrow.

None of this would have happened
if you hadn't

roped me into your phony-baloney
psychic BS, Mother.

Says the woman
who thinks she's cursed.

Well, what else could it be?

A row of sick crows
diarrhea-ed on me.

And I tried to play it off
at the time,

but that bird poo was very warm,
which is gross.

Then I broke my toe.
And the crap cherry on top

- was that I also got jury duty.
- Wait, jury duty?

Yeah. That's the one
you want to focus on?

Hello, Gram. Bed of fire?

Well, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,

but I think the jury duty thing
might be on me.

How is it that I've gotten
jury duty twice in three years

and my daughter
hasn't had to do it once?

Huh, is that so? Well,
I'll be sure to let them know.

Why would you say that? Ow!

That is the fifth time
that has happened today.

Again, y'all, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,

but I think I caused
your broken toe

and probably that knee thing
that just happened.

-How?
-To counteract the curse,
I feng shui-ed the house

and moved all the furniture over
an inch and a half.

Oh, and that bird poop?

We might have
another helps/hurts here.

I may have spit my gum out
and dropped a bunch of prunes,

Jolly Ranchers
and other purse items

onto the sidewalk outside
the psychic Vohnnie's house.

- Why did you have all that?
- Because she's insane.

It doesn't matter.

So, a few of those curse things
were you,

but there's no way you caused
my bed to catch on fire.

-No way, Jose.
That one was all curse.
-I was wrong.

Curses aren't fun.

They're horrifying. Aah!

What the heck is that?

Gram, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,

but it looks like
your crystal dream catcher

is an Etsy death ray.

Oh, great.
I know what that means.

I'm the albatross
around your neck.

I'm the one
who's been ruining your life.

I'm the curse.

Jenny, this is the part
where you say

I've never been a burden,
I'm a great mom

and every day is a gift.

No. I'm starting to realize
that all the bad things

that have happened to me
all these years

are because of you.
You're the curse.

You're the dog poop
and gum on my shoe.

All right, soldiers.
Stay frosty.

I've been in its head.
I know how it thinks.

- Wayne is so cool now.
- This is so not boring, homes.

Whoa, whoa! Don't step there.

Trip wire.

Nothing's getting in
or out of here

without us knowing it.

Shh! You hear that?

It's in the trees.

It's a fish. There's no way
it's in the...

Don't let him
lay his eggs in you!

Ugh!

Hey! Hey!

- It took the car keys.
- Looks like our fishing trip

that turned into a hunting trip

just turned into a camping trip.

So cold. So thirsty.

Yeah, you're thirsty.

But I bet I know
who's thirstier.

Snakehead!

I know you can't breathe
on land forever.

I'm guessing
you could really use

a little H2O right now.

All you got to do is come out

and get it.

That's it.

Gotcha!

Wayne!

Oh, man.

He even died cool.

Snakehead,
time for you to phone home.

Gram, please stop packing.

You are not moving out.

Violet, you heard your mother.

I am a curse on this family.

I should have died
on my death day.

Mother, you're being ridiculous.

Use my rolling suitcase.
You can fit more crap in there.

Mom, why are you
encouraging her?

Because she's a pain in my butt.

She always has been,
she always will be.

Look, we drive each other crazy,
so maybe we need a little break.

Or a big one.

Gram,

don't you think
it's a little melodramatic

to storm out of a house
that you own?

Violet, hush. Stay out of this.

Don't you yell at my grandbaby.

- Mother, shut up.
- Once I waltz out that door,

- she's all I got left.
- Stop making this all about you.

Look, we drive
each other crazy...

Don't you yell at my grandbaby.

Mother, you're being ridiculous.

Mom, Gram, stop.
I'm getting a vision.

I know how to solve this.

Mayor Webb!

Did the snakehead tip line
tell you about our call?

Told me?
I am the snakehead tip line.

I'm also the anonymous
illegal dumping tip line

and the suicide hotline,

but they're the same number,
so whenever I answer the phone,

I just say,
"Don't throw it all away."

It works for both. Well, anyway,

- I have your 20 grand.
- Forget about the money.

We got to destroy this fish.

And call the Marines,
the Coast Guard

and the Men in Blacks,

'cause I got word
there's more coming.

More coming?

We're surrounded.

Fellas. Fellas.

Are you okay?

Classic snakehead hallucination.

The fish. The fish!
Where is he? Did you get him?

No, you did.

You're a hero, Wayne.

You passed out,
but you never let go.

What's gonna happen
to the fish, homes?

We'll return him to Asia,
where he can start a new life

with his family
in his natural habitat.

Ah!

Violet, what is all this?

The ceremony works best

if we're close to the moon.

Or whatever.

- A séance?
- It's the only way.

"Spirits of the alternate realm,

"we summon thee and ask of you
this one simple favor.

- Do not lift this curse."
- Wait, wh-wh-wh-wh-what?

Look, all daughters
are driven crazy by their moms,

and all mothers are driven crazy

trying to protect
their daughters.

So, I'm not a curse on Jenny?

Oh, no, you definitely are.
And Mom's a curse to me.

I mean, I've already inherited
her stubbornness,

just like she inherited
your gullibility.

And you are totally turning
into Gram, but that's okay.

Our quirks are annoying,
but they shape who we are

and connect us to each other.

The important thing here

is no matter what,
we love each other to death.

So, curse, do your worst.

So I have said,
so let it be done.

So I have said,

so let it be done.

- Great. I guess we're done here.
- Violet,

spit in your hand now.

So I have said,

so let it be done.

The Hart women have spoken.

Mother, watch it!

Mom, a spider web! Ew!

How did I get so blessed?

Well, the good news is
even though I was exposed

to a boatload
of toxic fish slime,

the paramedics said my brain

should be back to no time
in normal.

Speaking of danger,

you fellas want to douse
your pants in lighter fluid

and jump over this fire?

Aw, I finally tuckered them out.

What'd you girls
get into this weekend?

Oh, just some
light occult stuff.

You know,
small family-based exorcism.

Republic of Banana,
I send thee to hell!

Wow, they even burn boring.

Jenny, I'm sorry
I caused you so much trouble

and will continue to do so
till I'm dead.

It's okay. And besides,

I get to turn around
and do it all to Violet,

- so feel sorry for her.
- So I am cursed.

- Yes!
- We all are, honey.

We all are.