Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - full transcript

Good evening,
I'm MayKay Bueller.

Our top story tonight...

the rumors are true.

We might be getting a white
Christmas this year, y'all!

Ooh-wee!

TV 12's Big Weathers
has the details. Uh, Big?

That's right, MayKay,
there might be

the possibility of a winter storm
any time in the next 12

to 78 hours...
or minutes

with estimates of precipitation
ranging anywhere

from zero to 26 inches.



with the chance of that being
not very to... very likely.

Keep us posted, Big,
because as you know,

as much as we southerners
love snow,

we are not used to it.

Can you give us some pointers, Big?

First things first, you need supplies.

So get to the grocery store
immediately to buy bread and milk.

Otherwise you'll freeze
to death and starve, Big.

Next, be on the lookout
for signs of frostbite...

Ooh-wee...

...whiteouts, and when driving,

- always assume you're on black ice.
- The silent killer, Big.

Ooh-wee-wah-wah-woo-woo!

Aw, remember this one?



I never knew Santa
had so many hobbies.

Surfing, fishing...
how does he find time

- to do all this stuff?
- I'll tell you how.

Slave labor...
that motorcycle right there?

Built with the tears
of indentured elves.

Okay!
Everyone get ready.

Here come the lights.

You call that a tree?
Charlie Brown bullcrap.

Mother... go outside.

What are you doing,
obsessing over some Christmas

that we can't have?

I don't want you
making Violet feel bad

about the Christmas we do have.

Well, you can try
and wrap your hugs

and put 'em under the tree
or some crap,

but, Jenny, we both know that
little girl isn't gonna love you

properly unless you bust her
stocking with some fancy gifts.

Well, Louise has been hinting

that she's gonna give us
Christmas bonuses.

Okay, well, don't you worry.

Santa Betty's gonna
provide this year.

- Look what I got in the mail.
- Oh, Lord, what's that?

It's my bladder mesh settlement
check! Christmas is on me!

Get ready for the most luxury gifts.

Brookstone's, Belk's,
Ferrero Rocher's chocolate balls!

Just like when my mesh broke,
I am gonna make it rain.

Look again. There might be
2,000 more checks in there.

♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo,
I have a surprise. ♪

Thank you, Louise.
Oh, I need this so bad.

What?!
Where the hell is the bonus?

"You are cordially invited to
Daniel and Louise Culp's

"annual Christmas Extravaganza, colon,

"a Festival of Joy, Lights,

"Merriment and Fellowship,
and Good Tidings.

"Have You Been Good,
question mark.

Santa's Coming Party,
exclamation point"?

Why is Daniel's head so big?

Oh, Daniel couldn't make
the photo shoot because he had

a businessman meeting,
so I computer-shopped him in.

Well, Louise, the Hart Family
has a pretty big blowout

- of our own planned.
- I cordially say, "Hell no."

It's mandatory.
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. ♪

Happy almost birthday!
Hey, how old are you?

Little hack for that...
just think what year it is,

and that's how old I am.

- Do you have any big plans?
- Well, I was hoping to just do,

you know, a simple Christmas
at home with my family,

but Louise is making us
go to her big,

fancy-butt,
richie-rich Christmas party.

Sounds like you've already
got something in your

Christmas stocking...
a lump of jealousy.

What? I'm not jealous!

It's just that Louise's
Christmas is gonna be

so show-off amazing,
it's gonna make our dumb,

little Christmas look like
a cold turd on a paper plate.

Well, okay, maybe I am
a little jealous.

Feelings of jealousy
are completely normal.

But don't let it
ruin your Christmas.

- I get jealous, too, you know.
- You do?

Who could you
possibly be jealous of?

W-W-Wait, let me think,
let me think.

- Criss Angel?
- Did you say Criss Angel?

No. I'm talking about Santa.

Swooping in on my birthday,

handing out gifts
like some cool weekend dad.

Wait, should I be jealous
of Criss Angel?

No, I mean, I mean,
I don't think so.

That should have been a way
more definitive answer, Jenny.

That's not even
his real name, you know?

It's Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos.

Say that when
your plane's going down!

Hmm, come on!
I need a Christmas miracle.

Think, Betty, think.

Scratchers, returns, Kohl's Cash?

No, got to think outside the box.

Biology... selling blood,
stealing kidneys?

Sleight of hand?
Fake my own death?

Social Security fraud?
Selling secrets, treason?

Gram? Gram!

Are you okay? You were mumbling
"treason" to yourself again.

No, I am not okay!

I can't do another discount
Dollar Tree Christmas!

Well, suck it up, Mother.

Our Christmas is gonna
be great as soon as we get

back from pretending to enjoy
Louise's Christmas party.

Is this gonna be a Sunday School

"cookies and Kool-Aid" type of deal?

- Should I bring my own beers?
- No, there's an open bar.

It's gonna be
a richie-rich nightmare.

To see how people are
preparing for the storm,

let's join MayKay
at Harris Teeter.

Big, shelves have been picked bare,
as people stock up on essentials.

The milk is completely gone,

even powdered and condensed.

And in the bread aisle, all
that's left is the diabetes bread.

My doctor's been telling me
to eat that for years,

but I would rather starve to death
under ten feet of ice, MayKay.

Ooh-wee-wow!

Thanks again
for coming to this stupid party.

Let's just hope it isn't too lame.

What?!
I bet you can see this from space.

Dang, all that's
missing is the Polar Express.

Nope.
They got that, too.

That conductor's not
actually Tom Hanks, right?

Tom!
He looked over.

Just leave the car up front.
We won't be staying long.

I was told to park all vehicles
with truck nuts around back.

- That's fair.
- Rude.

Here he comes again... Tom!

Ah, he's working.

Now, this is
the Christmas we deserve!

- Mother!
- Oh, my God.

It's the biggest littlest town
I've ever seen!

I've seen bigger... and littler.

I mean, I guess it's cute
in a gross, show-offy kind of way.

Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Welcome to the East Pole, y'all,

from me and my head elf Daniel.
Daniel, come say hi.

Daniel, y'all, where is your elf hat?

He has this elf hat I bought him
that he just loves.

Baby, look, they have
teeny, tiny hamburgers.

They made 'em elf-sized
for Christmas.

I got you one already.

I ate the pickles
'cause I know you hate 'em.

Oh, you're so sweet.

But, remember, we got
that cheeseball at home.

Daniel, bring me some chips.
You know the kind I like.

He's going to get the kind I like.
And guess what else.

We have a very special celebrity
guest coming tonight.

Ian David Cole.

Oh, I don't think we're gonna
be able to stay for...

Greenpoint Community
Theater's own Ian David Cole?

His bluegrass production of The
Elephant Man changed my life.

Get ready to shake
his hand, Wayne.

After he does his annual recitation

of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."

- Okay, Louise saw me. Let's get out of here.
- But Ian David Cole.

A mini-town bigger
than our living room.

- Free shrimp.
- And Ian David Cole.

No. That delicious cheeseball
isn't gonna dip Triscuits into itself.

Now let's go.

- Snow!
- We need bread and milk!

Why didn't we get
bread and milk yet?!

- Look out for black ice.
- Steer into the skid!

Drive faster.
We got to beat the storm.

No, you steer away from the skid.

That's not what I was taught.

Dawn, you're going too fast.

They changed it a few years ago.

- No way.
- Hand to God.

My foot's on the brake!

You're not going anywhere in this.

Oh, my Lord. Tom Hanks, no!

Well, it looks like
the dream of a white Christmas

has turned into a nightmare.

This is the scene right now
on Elmwood Avenue. MayKay?

Thanks, Big. Well, we are
standing here with the Mayor Webb,

who came down here
to survey the accident.

You just speak
right into the top of this.

Oh, I didn't come here
to survey it. I was in it.

- I was fully in the accident. I'm bleeding.
- You're fine.

Now, Mayor, I'm told
there is a salt truck

coming down from Kentucky?

You just speak into
the business end right here.

I tried to call a salt truck.

There was just a Hispanic
outgoing message,

and it went straight to voice mail.

Did you try a different
salt truck company?

You just talk right there.
This-this picks up the sound.

No, MayKay, I don't know
other salt truck companies.

You think when you become
mayor, they just give you

a magical list of all
the salt truck companies

in the world?

I'm making snow devils, babies.

- I'm pinned!
- Big?

Oh, this is perfect.
We're snowed in!

It's so perfect.
We're snowed in.

Now, before you panic, we
do have both bread and milk.

Isn't this romantic, y'all?

Everyone, just grab your partner
and get Christmas cozy.

I know I'm about to. Daniel?

- Okay, I'll find him.
- Part of me feels sorry for her,

but most of me just wants to
drink her out of house and home.

Good thing the human body's got
two livers,

- and we only need one.
- Brenda, I told you that's kidneys.

You sound like my professors
at nursing school.

Hold on, do you have
a loose meatball

rolling around
in your pocketbook?

Oh, I got a baker's dozen loose
meatballs in my pocketbook.

You got your meats,
then you got your crudités,

iced pocket for shrimps,
and the bottom is just a lake

of various sauces and dips.

I'm getting my bonus
one way or another.

Well, look, if we're gonna be
stuck at this party,

we might as well
make the best of it. Right?

Pound some food, drink a ton,
and go anger-snooping.

If we find some Louise dirt,

- we'll feel so much better.
- You had me at anger-pooping.

"Merry Christmas, Louise.
There's a doody in your dryer."

- No, I said anger-snooping.
- I know.

I was just
kidding about anger-pooping.

I'm not an animal, Jenny.

Bweep, bweep, bweep.
"Oh, no. Aliens."

"I'm your tiny leader Frosty."

"Kill it before it kills us first."

"Oh, God, it's shooting me
with a freeze ray.

"Oh! Oh, all my limbs
are coming off!

"Oh, it burns.

I love my limbs. Not my limbs."

Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Sad news, y'all.

I'm afraid Ian David Cole
was not able to make it

- 'cause of the snow.
- Damn it! No!

Or was I?

I've been here all night.

Holy whaaat?

Life is a stage,
and the stage is my life.

And you are my costars.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

Friggin' theater's Ian David Cole!

Think, Betty, think.
Focus.

Vase, crystal,

silverware, case of wine,
sugar daddy, chandelier.

Find your hustle. Where is it?

Cigar smoke.

- Bingo.
- No, we aren't playing bingo.

We're helping Daniel hide
from his ball and chain.

- Hey, aren't you Jenny Hart's mama?
- Sure am.

You got a good-looking
daughter, Ms. Hart.

You look good, too, for an old.

Oh, that's so sweet of you to say.

Can I play? I got cash.

Kohl hard cash.

Oh, my Lord, she is priceless.
Dare I even say hot?

I say we let
this ancient cutie sit in.

Okay, now what's the difference

between the pointy shovels
and the bumpy shovels?

Look at all this dumb crap
that could've been our bonuses.

A crystal bird?
What's that even for?

- This bitch.
- A mahogany box and nothing in it?

This biatch!
This bitch?

This biatch?

This bish.
This bitch!

I've seen every production
you've ever done,

Ian David Cole.
I loved your musical version

of The Odd Couple where you
played both characters.

Delightful.

Why haven't you tried out
for anything, Wade?

Oh, yeah, it's Wayne,
with an "N."

No, it isn't. It's Wade.
Wade Rock.

That will be your stage name
when you join me onstage.

You have a real presence.
I can feel it.

Oh, no. I-I love watching
theater, but I can't do it.

The one time I tried it,
I really dookied the bed.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, Wade.

Don't talk about
my friend Wade like that.

I'm sure you were wonderful.

No. I mean
I really dookied the bed.

Oh, Smee,
what a rogue and peasant...

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah,
I literally dookied the bed.

Onstage, in front of everyone.

Ha-ha!
That's not delightful.

I got so nervous trying
to remember all those lines.

Wade, you've got to get back
on that stage.

Otherwise, the dookie wins.

- I could teach you.
- Oh, I don't know.

You remember the lyrics to
your favorite songs, don't you?

♪ Love in an elevator ♪

- Hell yeah.
- Delightful!

- You just acted!
- Delightful!

I have no idea
how I'm winning all these...

what are they called, chips?

Okay, you're big blind, little
blind. Let's see the flop.

Oh, would you look at this bed.

There's probably
$10,000 worth of pillows.

- Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!
- Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

- No luck in her drawers.
- Ooh, I can't wait to see

how many trillions of dollars
of purses she's got.

- Anything good in there?
- No, no. Uh, false alarm.

Uh, but I think
I did see some Adderall

in the kids' Jack N Jill bathroom.

Jackpot! Someone's gonna
pass her nursing test.

- Hey, Louise...
- This party is a disaster.

- Sorry, what?
- This party.

It's just a big ol' sparkly
ol' Band-Aid

- on a nasty secret wound.
- Is it?

All appearances to the contrary,
things are not great

- between me and Daniel.
- What...?

At the very least, I thought
if I put up a ton of mistletoe,

maybe Daniel
would give me a kiss,

but he's dodging
mistletoe like Tom Cruise

dodged those lasers
in Mission: Impossible.

Louise, Daniel is lucky
as hell to have you.

And this party is amazing.

And if it makes you feel any better,
I'm super jealous.

Oh, Jenny, it does.
Thank you.

Jenny, you have
a beautiful family

that loves you, and you're
so lucky to have Wayne.

He brings you sliders, and he
knows your pickle preferences.

Thanks, Louise.
Wayne is a sweetheart.

I wanted you and Brenda
to come here tonight,

'cause the guest list is mostly
Daniel's friends and family.

I just wanted
some friendly faces here.

- You need a little hug?
- I think I do.

Now, can you pet my head
like my grambie used to?

Uh, like-like this?

Slower. Smoother strokes.

Like a cat.

Okay, Louise, I think you need
to just open up your mouth

and tell Daniel that you deserve
respect and you deserve love.

You're right!
I'm gonna go tell him right now.

Uh-oh. Well, uh, no.

Uh, maybe don't do it now,

with a house full
of snowed-in party guests...

I'll raise you 50,
and another 50 for calling me old.

Betty, you are on me like
self-tanner on a white couch.

I'm all out of cash, so I'm
gonna have to throw this in.

This antique smoke show
is gonna bust us all.

Hey, Daniel, you in or out?

Uh-oh. Looks like that little
fishy just jumped off the hook.

It's day 63
since the arrival of Frosty.

Christmas as we know it
has ceased to be.

The cannibalism, well,
that started almost immediately.

I can't believe
what happened to Miss Beverly.

Miss Beverly had it coming!

Doo, doo-doo-doo.

Daniel Everett Culp III,
I have a bone to pick with you.

- Oh, boy.
- What?

I may have accidentally told
Louise to make a giant scene

- at her party.
- Oh, hell yeah!

Daniel, I don't know what is
going on with you lately, but...

Oh, just when I
was starting to think

you were a Christmas Grinch,

you go and corner me
under the mistletoe?

Daniel, shug, you can't just leave
the table in the middle of a hand.

Bad form.
Get your buns back down here.

Uh... mm...

Hi, Jenny.

Uh...

- Ew.
- It's a Christmas miracle.

More like Grossmas spewacle.

Smooching won't get you
out of this.

Ooh. Daniel, so silly.

Attention, everyone!

"'Twas the Night Before Christmas"

will be recited
by my young protégé,

- Wade Rock!
- What?

You can do it, Wade.

Remember "Love in an Elevator."

♪ 'Twas the night ♪

♪ Before Christmas ♪

♪ Not a creature was stirring ♪

♪ Not even a mouse ♪

♪ All the stockings were hung ♪

♪ By the chimney with care ♪

♪ In hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be ♪

♪ There... ♪

It was just a toot!

Delightful, Wade!

- You did it!
- Doo, doo-doo-doo, y'all.

Now I'd like to express
some Christmas gratitude.

Huh?

Jenny, y'all, Brenda,

here are your Christmas
bonus checks.

And I'd just like to say

that I'm so happy
that it accidentally worked out

that all of y'all
happened to be here

to share this wonderful,
charitable moment with me.

- She just called us charity.
- This bitch.

♪ 'Twas the night
before Christmas ♪

♪ Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse ♪

♪ All the stockings were hung
by the chimney with care ♪

♪ In the hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be ♪

♪ There... ♪

Now it's a perfect Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, y'all.

Those cheapskates didn't want
to cash out my chips,

but I did manage to get
the cash equivalent,

giving us the merriest Christmas ever.

Oh-ho! The crystal bird!

Evil Frosty the Snow Alien?

Gram, thank you. I love it.

No way. A gently worn polo
and a Citizen watch?

This'll go from work to play
like a champ. Delightful.

And a fresh set of AAs right
out of Daniel's universal remote.

That's right, y'all,
we are bringing Saxy back.

Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, everyone!
- I love you guys.