Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Myrtle Beach Memoirs - full transcript

When The Last Supper closes for repairs, the Harts take a family trip to Myrtle Beach where Wayne and Betty sit through a timeshare presentation, while Jenny competes in a mini-golf tournament with help from Violet.

Okay, y'all, we got
a fried flounder

and fried scallops
with hush puppies

and extra hush puppies,

and this one's
the fried clam strips

with fried fried chicken.
Oh, and some hush puppies.

Oh, hey,
I hate to be a bother,

but it looks like there's
something in my catfish.

JENNY: Well, I have no
idea what that could be.

Doo, doo-doo-doo.

I do apologize for that
on behalf of Jenny.

I'm sure whatever weird bangle



or makeup clump fell off
of her, it was pure accident.

I know it's not from me.
It looks like ceiling tile.

[scratching]

Yup, you got a critter up there.

Is it? I could have sworn I kept
hearing "Crazy Train" up there.

You know...
♪ Ay-ay-ay. ♪

I heard it, too. But what kind
of critter goes, "ay, ay, ay"?

- A muskrat?
- A possum?

- A deer?
- Deers don't even make a sound.

They do if they're in estrus.

Well, sure, in estrus,
but that still doesn't explain

how an adult doe
would even get up there.

Well, now you're just moving
the goalposts.

[crash]
[gasping]



[exclaiming]

- Randy!
- Get out of here, Randy.

- LOUISE: What the heck, Randy?
- Ah...

Whoo-hoo!
That was a stunt, babies.

I've been living
in your ceiling for 30 days,

like a modern-day David Blaine.

- BRENDA: Get him!
- [overlapping shouting]

- Trip him!
- Get a net!

Git, Randy! Go...
Git. Git out of here.

Behold, Greenpoint's local Mind Freak.

[laughs]

[title music]

♪ ♪

So, obviously, we're closing
this weekend,

thanks to Randy's little stunt.

[glass breaking]

What? No.
I need my tip money.

- We-we can still serve customers.
- We just have some silly,

little itty-bitty ceiling issues
we have to deal with.

- Oh, you mean the asbestos?
- Well, no.

Just some little ole
issues from the '70s

when this building had some
fun, different insulation.

Yeah, asbestos.

Anyhoo, it looks like you two
got surprise days off.

Doo, doo-doo-doo.

Unpaid. Doo-doo.

♪ ♪

[heavenly music plays]

So, pretty crazy
about Randy, huh?

The second he moved up there, I thought,

"This is an accident waiting to happen."

If you knew he was up there,
couldn't you have warned us?

I did.
I told you, like, a million times.

- There's someone up there watching over you.
- Oh, what?

- I thought you meant God.
- I mean, that's a given.

I shouldn't have to remind you of that.

So what are you gonna do
with your time off?

I don't know. Probably just
catch up on errands.

Ugh, why aren't you doing
anything fun?

- You should take a vacay.
- I can't do that.

Jenny, nobody likes a martyr.

- A vacation does sound nice.
- That's the spirit.

- YOLO.
- Yeah, YOLO!

- Wait, didn't you live twice?
- Jenny, don't overthink it.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Epic
Slip and Falls: Ice Edition.

Hey, is that Brian Boitano?

- Guess not.
- [audience exclaims]

This guy just wants
to get to work.

- Whoa!
- WAYNE: Hold on, don't fall.

He's still slipping.
I-Is he gonna fall?

VIOLET: Wayne, spoiler alert:
they always fall.

WAYNE: Yeah. There he goes.

There he goes.
[laughing]

Nope, look at that.
He beat the odds.

[crash]
[man shouts]

- Oh!
- [laughing] Oh!

Hey, y'all, guess what.
I have a weekend off.

Randy fell through the ceiling
so the restaurant's closed.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

So I was thinking maybe
we should take a vacation.

Well, what are we gonna use
for money?

- Sell our hair?
- Oh, Leonard was telling me

how you can get a free vacation
if you just go sit through

a time-share presentation at one
of those places at Myrtle Beach.

Oh, Violet, you used to love
Myrtle Beach

- when you were still my baby girl.
- That was two years ago.

I'm a whole different person.

No, you loved it
and we loved it together.

Find those memories
through all that darkness

- and sarcasm in your head.
- Oh, yeah...

The sunburned rednecks groping
each other. The beer breath.

The arcades full
of barefoot adult men.

- That all sounds amazing.
- Are you being sarcastic right now?

No, Mom. You know how
much I love human wreckage.

See, even that, I'm not sure.
It's a tone thing.

It's like everything
could go either way with you.

I'm saying I want to go.

Plus, you know what else
they have in Myrtle Beach...

BOTH: Mini-golf.

- ♪

- [cheering]

- Jenny, you are the putt-putt queen.
- Yeah, you know.

God sure as hell blessed me
with the ability

to putt short distances
through contrived obstacles.

Damn it, we're doing this.
I'll go in there and listen

to their little time-share
song and dance,

- and we'll get us a free trip to paradise.
- [slurping]

Son, you think you know
about the time-share grift?

Let me tell you something:

you know nothing
about the time-share grift.

It is brutal. And if you think
you can just dance in there

like Patrick Sways,
you got another thing coming.

Yes, if you play it just right,
you're in tall cotton,

butt-deep in drink vouchers
and ocean views.

But one false move... ruination.

- Betty, I think I can handle myself...
- Ruination!

I normally work alone, but I
might could take on a student.

Pass on my secrets
so you can provide my daughter

with the scam-rich lifestyle
she deserves.

Now let's go get us
a free vacation.

[others whooping]

- Yay! Let's go!
- Vacay!

♪ A three-hour presentation ♪

♪ So we get a free vacation ♪

♪ Nothing could be easier ♪

♪ What could go wrong? ♪

♪ Nothin' at all ♪

Oh, my God,
is that a lazy river...

running right through
the dang lobby?

[laughs]

Okay, well, Wayne... and Mother,

thanks for taking one for the team

and sitting through that presentation.

Me and Violet are gonna go
hit the links.

♪ ♪

Oh, my Lord, I can't ever get
enough of these crazy names.

"PuttThroat Island"?

"South Putt-Cific."

"Putt & Putt's Puttcellent
Puttventure"?

No way they got permission
for that one.

- Oh, my God, Mom, look.
- Oh, my Lord, a mini-golf tournament?

Oh, yeah.
This sport's gotten huge.

No one can tell if it's
ironically huge or just huge.

That's my whole thing with you.

But the prize money is real.
First place gets $800.

Mom, you could totally win this.

Oh, my Lord, we might do more
than break even on this vacation.

We might make some money.
Oh, Myrtle Beach is magical!

♪ ♪

These guys all use the same playbook.

Step one, the razzle dazzle.

[whooping]
[fireworks]

Are you pumped?
'Cause I am pumped.

- Whoo!
- Snap out of it.

Do not pay any attention
to this time-share Fonzarelli.

They get you hyped up,
and before you know it,

you're signing your life away.

Now just train your eyes
on that beautiful view

- and don't let them in your head.
- Got it. Focus on the view,

not the super cool guy
who has a hoverboard

and probably everything else
I want. [slap, grunts]

Hey, is it bright in here,
or is that just our futures?

Let's make it a little bit
more intimate, shall we?

- Yeah.
- [Wayne gulps]

Well, I be damned.
This guy's a pro.

Okay, hi, everybody.

- My name is Craig.
- That's a lie.

And welcome to Myrtle Beach.

- Isn't this place magic?
- ♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

ALL: Ah.

Oh, hell no.
Balloon magic?

He's got his finger on the pulse.

Just remember, the real magic trick

is separating you from your money.

Don't you worry.
I got all my wits about me.

I... Oh, my God!
Is he swallowing that balloon?

I-I mean, psych.
I find this dumb.

Just a silly magic...
Is it completely gone?!

[mumbles]

- [applause]
- I-I mean, who cares?

I'm not even remotely curious
how he could make

that whole balloon
leave our dimension. [claps]

Tim Cupp here
with the Mini Golf Network.

Well, it's a beautiful day
for mini golf, folks.

The giants of this sport are all here

and, of course, so many walk-ons.

Will this be the year
an unknown upends the sport?

I'm Jenny Hart.
I'm a walk-on, I guess.

Well, well, well,
this little lady must be lost.

This is a golf tournament,

[laughing] not a Sex and
the City viewing party.

Oh, my God. There's
seriously sexism in a sport

as non-strength-dependent
as mini golf?

Now, Beau, let's let her try.

Hey, I'm Gus.
I designed this course.

No woman has ever won it,
let alone a walk-on.

No offense, but when females
play mini golf, they lose focus.

You know, they get all
up in their heads thinking

about their pocketbooks and
Sex and the City episodes.

- Their minds are too weak.
- Toddlers play this sport.

You literally write your score
down with a doll pencil.

Just put me down
for a hole in one

- on the first hole.
- [Gus and Beau laugh]

Yeah, right.

♪ ♪

Huh?

[wink]

[crowd murmurs]

Now the time has come
to talk about something serious.

He's about to hit us
with the emotional appeal.

He's gonna yank so hard
at your heartstrings,

- you'll feel it in your butt.
- Bring it on.

Family. Heart. Emotion.
[music]

Fun. Love.

How many people here
love their families?

- ALL: Ah!
- I do. I love my family.

Babies. Animals.

Baby animals being friends.

Oh, Lord.
I'm feeling it in my butt.

Oh, I got to stop this.
I have a question.

- How much does this all cost?
- Well, um...

- um... um...
- Now I'm in the driver's seat.

Um... well, um...

Price.
That's a big word, price.

So let's talk about prices.

Money. Dollars.

Medical. Things that cost.

ALL: Mm-hmm.

Hey, how many of you guys
like Starbucks?

- I do! I love it.
- ALL: Ah!

But what do you think you spend
on coffee every week?

- $500, $600?
- ALL: Uh-huh.

Now, what if you could take
that coffee money

and use it to build real memories?

Because for the price
of just 21 coffees a day,

you could own a happy family.
Yours.

ALL: Wow!

["Werewolves of London"
by Warren Zevon playing]

[crowd cheers]

[crowd aahing]

[crowd gasps]

♪ I saw a werewolf ♪

♪ With a Chinese menu
in his hand ♪

[skull laughs]
♪ Walking through the streets ♪

♪ Of Soho in the rain ♪

♪ He was looking for the place ♪

♪ Called Lee Ho Fook's ♪

♪ Gonna get a big dish
of beef chow mein ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Werewolves of London ♪

♪ Ah-ooh. ♪

VIOLET:
Mom, you're 15 strokes ahead.

- You're gonna win that $800.
- Violet, remember these?

Please let me get us
matching necklaces

- just like when you were little.
- "You're one in a million."

Oh, my God.
Those are so cheesy.

- I love them.
- Okay, now, see, there it is again.

- So you hate them?
- No, I just said I love them.

- I know, but that tone.
- Can you just trust my words?

Little lady's trying on jewelry,

but she should be getting
ready for the final hole.

I was born ready, Beau.

And, last time I checked,
I was kicking your butt.

Don't get too cocky, hon.

The last hole is a killer.

- Isn't it, Gus?
- That's how I made it.

Hey, how about
y'all sit this one out?

I don't want all the female
stomping and crying

- to damage my Astroturf.
- Oh, I'll be fine, Gus.

Just gonna finish buying
our jewelry

so I can look all pretty
in the winner's photo.

How much for the necklaces?

Oh, they're three dollars each
or 15,000 arcade tickets.

Gentlemen, welcome to the
hardest hole ever designed.

- "The Invinci B-hole."
- It's pronounced "Invincib'hole."

- Well, it looks like "B-hole."
- Well, it's not, okay?

- CROWD: Huh?
- MAN: A straight line?

What the hell is this?

On this hole, you must face

the biggest obstacle of all:
your own mind.

- ♪ $800 ♪
- ♪ I'm gonna do a kick in the air ♪

- ♪ For $800. ♪
- ♪ $800 ♪

- And punch!
- ♪ 800, 800. ♪

- Oh!
- Son,

I can't keep swooping in
and saving your ass.

Betty, we've been in here for
so long, and I'm-I'm starving.

We've only got ten more minutes,
and we have beaten this guy.

Dig deep.
Think about Jenny.

You guys not interested
in the free cookies?

Watching our figures.

Hey, tell you what.
I'm not supposed to do this,

but I happen to know
where there is

some Starfish Vineyards
white zin.

Don't mind if I do.

Won't that wine
loosen you up too much?

Does the ocean drown a fish?

I can handle a little victory wine.
[slurping]

TIM: Big Beau Preston lines up the shot.

Boy, there is so much pressure
on this b'hole.

[crowd murmurs, cheering]

TIM: And he nails it!

Next up, Jenny Hart.

Let's see how a lady
handles the pressure.

[crowd murmurs, groans]

PRESTON: Oh! Looks like
Carrie met her Mr. Big.

She just can't tie this one down.

[exhales]
Okay, just shake it out, Jenny.

Wait, is it actually hard?
Or is it so easy that it's hard?

What?
No! Don't overthink it, Mom.

You got it. That was a fluke.

Okay, Jenny, okay, just focus,
but don't over-focus.

Breathe.
Or should I hold my breath?

What if I get caught up
and hold it for too long?

Oh, God, how many breaths
do I usually take?

Am I breathing now? I don't
know. I don't know anymore.

Violet, am I breathing right now?

Somebody get me a hand mirror.

- Mom! Pull it together.
- Yes, ma'am.

[takes deep breath]

[exhales]

- [crowd groans]
- [gasps]

[crowd groans]

Sandy Christmas!
You know what?

Okay. I'm just gonna ease up to it.

[crowd repeatedly groaning]

CROWD:
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Oh!

[Jenny and crowd groan]

- Son of a b'hole!
- It's okay, Mom.

Just try to have fun.

I am having fun!
This...

is... fun!

Michelle, I noticed you
have a book in your tote.

Where would you rather read,
here in a pool cabana,

or in a seaside hammock
listening to the waves?

Drink service at both locations.

Reading on vacation while buzzed?

Ah, you better give me that pen.

- How about you two?
- Aw.

No interest in joining in
the winners circle?

- None. Zero.
- Nada.

I bow to a worthy opponent.

Still got your wits about you,
even after all that wine.

Student...

[glugging]

- ...meet master.
- [sighs] Okay, well, listen,

I have to keep you here
another ten minutes,

or my supervisor will say
I didn't try hard enough.

You want to take a pee break
or something?

Yeah. You know what, I think
I will take a victory pee.

[door shut]
[gasps]

[whispers] Bye, Betty.

That bastard!
He wasn't trying to get me buzzed...

he was trying to fill my bladder!

Now, Wayne, you already know
that I'm an amateur magician.

Did you also know
that I'm a veteran?

Oh, no.

♪ 'Cause I'm proud
to be an American ♪

♪ Where at least
I know I'm free ♪

♪ And I won't forget ♪

♪ The men who died ♪

- ♪ And gave that right to me ♪
- Wayne! Snap out of it!

- ♪ And I'll gladly stand up ♪
- Wayne!

- ♪ Next to you... ♪
- Oh, you son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

I shouldn't have gone to pee.

That's a rookie mistake.
That's the one thing

that crazy jilted astronaut lady
got right, though...

- she wore a diaper.
- Betty, I didn't sign.

- What?
- I followed your advice.

I focused
on giving Jenny and Violet

- the life they deserve, and it worked!
- Well, what do you know!

Wayne, I am sorry
I mis-underestimated you.

I'd go into a time-share foxhole
with you any day.

Same. All right,
I'm gonna go enjoy the room.

We only have it for 11 more hours.

Oh, boy, did you guys play it right.

- They gotcha, didn't they?
- Hook, line and sinker.

But it won't be terrible.

I mean, it pays for itself
in three to five years.

And my family will love
this place and its amenities.

Amenities? Lord, now you
sound like one of 'em.

[chuckles]

[gasps]
You're one of 'em!

Judas! You're trying
to close me right now.

[sighs]
Damn. You are good.

Can't blame me for trying, though.

Would have been
a sweet, sweet commission.

This might be a rude question,
but hell, I don't care.

What's the going rate
for roping all these dopes?

Low six figures.

Now, I've been burned
by this before.

- Does that include the cents?
- Nope.

[whistles]
Nice work if you can get it.

I could introduce you to some people.
I mean, you got what it takes.

I could do a weekend here,
a weekend there.

- Probably make a mint.
- Girl, yes!

And the best part is,
you get your own condo here!

- For free?
- Hundred percent.

You just put down a small deposit,

and they just take the rest
out of your paycheck.

- She sold me!
- What?!

Got me in a play-for-pay scam.

I was so wrapped up
in the fantasy of getting rich,

I didn't realize
I was getting sold.

There's got to be a way
to get out of it.

Oh, there's no getting out of it.

That bitch played me like a fiddle.

All this time I thought you
were the weak link,

and it turns out I was.

Betty, we can get through this.
All we have to do

is just drink 19 fewer cups
of Starbucks a day.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

Mom, come on.
Don't give up on yourself.

I wanted this to be
a special beach trip for us,

just like the old days.

But now you're
just gonna remember it

as the trip where
I made a fool of myself

and gave those goobers the
satisfaction of beating a woman.

- Mom, forget about them.
- Just get my ball.

I'd rather forfeit
than beef it anymore

in front of these dip-rods.

- [low, electronic humming]
- What the...?

[whispering] Mom.

Look.

They're using magnets on you.

- What?
- It's totally Gus.

He's got some Scooby-Doo crap
going on so his buddy can win.

I'm gonna wrap this club
around his sunburned neck!

Wait, wait. Mom.
What if you just... won?

How can I? There's magnets.
It's impossible.

Not if you drop it from the top.

I would have to bank it
off the windmill,

then the airplane, and try
to ladder it up to that tree,

and then hope
it still had enough spin

to roll up that branch.

Oh, honey, that is
a million-to-one shot.

Well, you are one in a million.
Your necklace says so.

Last time I checked,
it was Tiger Woods,

not Lady Tiger Woods!

[tiger growls]

♪ ♪

[crowd inhaling]

- [cheering, whistling]
- TIM: B'holy cow!

Lady golfer Jenny Hart wins
the tournament!

I did it!

JENNY:
♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

VIOLET:
♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm. ♪

Okay, so, what's the plan?

Oh!
[splash]

[yelling]

Manager!
I need a manager right now!

- Yes, ma'am. How may I...
- My common-law son-in-law

slipped on a pineapple wedge,

and now he's drowning
in your lazy river.

I should sue your ass
for gross negligence.

- Help! I-I can't swim!
- Sir, if you'll just stand up,

you'll see that the water
is only four feet deep.

WAYNE: Wait.
Is this a poo?

Oh, my God, there's
so many poos in here!

Riddle me this:
How many floating dooks

does it take to annul a time-share?

Yeah, no, seriously, there's,
like, 30 turds in here.

Jenny, I am so proud of you.

I got out of the time-share,
and we won $800?

This is the best vacation ever.

- And I'm not even being ironic.
- Aw.

[sighs] Let's see...
what do winners eat?

- RANDY: Aye, aye, aye.
- Oh, no.

[crashing, gasping]

RANDY: Welcome to Myrtle Beach magic.

I'm Randy's cousin, Sandy, who
lives in Myrtle Beach, my babies.

- OTHERS: No, you're not, Randy!
- RANDY: Presto!

It was Randy the whole time!