Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Pig Trouble in Little Greenpoint - full transcript
Jenny enters Wayne into the Greenpoint barbecue festival without his permission; Violet deals with the moral dilemma of eating meat; Betty runs into an old fling.
Lord, Wayne, your barbecue
smells like sheer heaven.
Yeah, it does.
Uh-uh, get out of here, bird.
Can somebody pass the lettuce?
You know, the one food
on this table
that never had thoughts,
or feelings, or a face?
Violet, hush.
Wayne's barbecue is magical.
Oh, she's just going through
her vegetarian phase.
Not a phase. Unless caring
about murder is a phase.
Violet, honey, I watched you
dip a corn dog
into a can of chili
less than a week ago.
Thanks for bringing up
my rock bottom, Mom.
I'm five days meat sober.
Get out of here, bird!
Oh, and by the way,
I got an idea
for the ostriches, y'all.
You've heard of the running
of the bulls?
Well, get ready for the running
of the birds.
Oh, my Lord, y'all.
We all know Wayne's
never gonna make dime one
on any of these schemes.
You just wait. One of Wayne's
ideas is gonna hit.
If Wayne wants to be
an entre-pray-newer...
mmm...
man alive, is this good...
then he needs to find the thing
that he is good at.
Mmm. Mmm!
Y'all, this barbecue is just,
oh, it's melting in my mouth.
And do that thing instead
of all this bird nonsense.
Mmm, mmm-mmm.
Wayne, I know
what you should do.
You should enter the cook-off
at this year's Barbecue Festival!
Nah. I know my barbecue's good.
- Who needs a top-off?
- I do! Hallelujah!
What's the opposite of "hallelujah"?
Here you go.
Got one for you... Whoa!
Almost got me.
- What's wrong, baby?
- The drawing I submitted
to be the logo for the
Greenpoint Barbecue Festival?
- It won.
- Well, Violet, that's great!
"Go ahead and eat me,
but remember I'm as smart
as a human toddler!"
Gram, look what they did. They
took out the thought bubble.
- Thank God.
- They censored me.
How can my art provoke
with a fascist boot on my neck?
Wait.
Rick Ocean and the Sandbars?
Oh, Vi.
Do you know the song
"I Found Her Flip-Flop on the Beach"?
If I say no,
can we go back to my thing?
Rick Ocean and the Sandbars
are the international kings
of Carolina beach music.
With all their hit songs:
"Beach Music,"
"Sand Music Beach,"
"You Bring the Beach, parentheses,
I'll Bring the Music,"
"Life's a Beach
and Then You Swim,
parentheses, the Music Song."
And of course,
"B-E-A-C-H, parentheses,
That's How I Spell Music."
You know, I am very close,
intimate friends
- with Rick Ocean.
- And cue the gross story.
He was my first real romance
after Ed died.
I was in a hole so deep,
I thought I'd never get out.
Rick's touch healed me.
For over a decade,
we've been like two ships
that pass in the night.
And circle back around to ram
into each other like
the Titanic and that iceberg.
Violet?
Okay, barbecue
fans, it's time to get fired up
for "Dips, Drizzles and Dunks"!
With the am-bro-ssador of
bro-b-cue, Chip Scoville!
I'm feeling the tang.
I'm tasting that
funkalicious cardamom.
Your sauce...
...is boss!
He got the bro fingers!
Chip hands those out, like,
once an episode, maybe.
That must be
some funktastic aioli.
Oh, man.
I love Chip so much.
He is the bad boy of flavor.
Wayne, no offense to Chip,
but he just comments on flavors.
You are a flavor maker.
And-and look what it says right
here: deadline is tomorrow.
It's not too late. We can
sign you up right now.
You know, my barbecue takes
a lot of preparation,
and I-I simply do not have the time.
I saw this documentary about a guy
who tried to run a marathon
without the proper preparation,
and he ran 90 yards,
crapped his pants, and died.
But, Wayne, if you don't do this,
that man will have crapped
and died for nothing.
But, Jenny, if I do enter,
you're gonna have two deaths
and two craps on your hands.
Jenny. How could you be so sad
with your boo making
barbecue this good?
You know, Wayne should enter that
barbecue contest at the festival.
That's what I told him.
But he won't budge.
There's no way he's gonna
enter that contest.
Jenny, do you know the parable
of the footprints in the sand?
Oh, yeah. That Dateline
about that newlywed couple
who were supposed to be
on a perfect vacation,
but then the husband
pushed the wife off a balcony,
and his alibi was that they were
going for a walk on the beach,
but there was only one set
of footprints,
- 'cause he was dumping her body?
- No, but that was a good one.
- It's always the husband, right?
- Right?
- I still watch.
- Me, too!
No, the footprints story
I'm talking about...
I'm surprised you don't know this.
It's on, like, posters
and, like, crocheted stuff.
Anyway, the one I'm talking
about is the one where this guy
was going through a hard time
and only saw one set of footprints
and thought
I had abandoned him, but...
spoiler alert...
I was carrying him.
Oh, I get it.
You're saying
I need to use
my one set of footprints
to enter Wayne in the contest
behind his back!
- That's a great idea!
- No. The story's not
about doing something
behind somebody's back.
Yeah, I think it is.
- Mm... I think no.
- Well...
- yeah...
- No...
Welcome to the 23rd annual
Greenpoint Barbecue Festival,
where we show all of
North Carolina that you can't
spell "barbecue" without some
of the letters in "Greenpoint."
Gram, it's just,
it's too much Wind Song.
Baby, you got
to lure a man with his senses.
And Rick Ocean's senses have
to overcome a park
full of roasting swine.
Now, why is it that you're
wearing a full leather jumpsuit
at an outdoor festival
in the summer?
I call this outfit
my man catcher.
It goes effortlessly
from day to night.
This getup was scientifically
formulated, y'all,
to catch one super fine bass player
by the name of Rick Ocean.
Wait. The band is named after
him, but he's not the lead singer?
'Cause his fingers are that good.
And his thumb is so calloused,
it could hammer a nail
- into sheetrock.
- Ew.
Oh. Ew!
No.
No!
Nooo!
Ooh. I haven't eaten in 36 hours
in preparation to eat
the best barbecue
North Carolina has to offer.
Wayne!
What is this over here in this area?
Why is Leonard at that booth?
Congratulations, you're in the contest!
This is your booth.
Get cooking. Yay!
- Jenny...
- I entered you in the contest.
Yay!
What a fun thing I did. Yay!
You should've told me you were
doing this, so I could've said no.
Wait, I did say no!
Come on, Wayne.
We got all your supplies.
Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue!
- No, no, clap on the word.
- Uh-uh. Follow me.
Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue!
Well, I thought about it,
and something dawned on me.
I'm a grown-ass man,
and I don't have to be here.
Well, you know, since
we're already signed up, uh,
I guess I got to cook it myself.
I'll just grab some of these
flavor dust sprinkles...
- Jenny, you know that's called rub.
- Uh-oh.
That's probably too much.
Well, that's okay.
I'm just gonna rinse it off,
but what do I have for that?
Oh, perfect, baby wipes.
And I'll just cut it into cubes,
and boil it gray.
Jenny, I know that's
reverse psychology,
and I'll tell you right now,
I never don't fall for it.
Give me those tongs!
I'll take a white zin
on the rocks,
and make it a home pour.
- There she is, my Betty.
- Mmm. Zip!
Even though I was standing
next to a Porta Potti
and a mini-dumpster
of pig remains in the heat...
- Zip!
- ...you made sure I found you.
- Senor Oceano.
- Senorita Corazón.
Come on. Let's go back
to my dressing "caban-ya."
I can't wait to peel you
out of that Mamma Mia!
slash Evel Knievel getup.
Hey. Hey, you.
Your costume was built on lies.
- Violet?
- Brenda?
Whew! That feels good.
It's hot as hell in this pig suit.
- What's got you so upset, girly?
- This. I was censored.
Oh, man, that is some
total bull crap.
Girl, you come with me.
I got a plan.
- Already?
- Petty retaliation is in my DNA.
It's my superpower.
Now, stop panicking
'cause Auntie Brenda's gonna
help you fix this the
old-fashioned way: vandalism.
- Look at you go, Wayne!
- It's a balancing act.
Tart, hot, sour, sweet,
and a million unknowables.
I just have to feel it.
♪ It's so fun
to carry my boyfriend. ♪
Hey, shh. I need total silence
while I work out these ratios.
Dropping like a meat-eating meteor,
it's your surprise
celebrity guest judge,
Chip Scoville!
Chip Scoville? He's here?
Ugh, where is he getting
those sound effects?
- Wayne, you doing okay?
- Wayne, your vinegar!
My-my ratios!
♪ I love the beach ♪
♪ And the beach loves me ♪
- Uh-huh.
- ♪ The beachy beach ♪
♪ Music really sets me free ♪
♪ I love the beach,
and the beach loves me ♪
♪ Listening to beach music
always sets me free ♪
♪ The notes, the rhythm ♪
♪ The treble, the bass ♪
♪ That beachy beach music
puts a smile on my face ♪
- ♪ Beachy beach music, beach music ♪
- ♪ Ooh, woo ♪
♪ Beachy beach music... ♪
Well, well,
look what the cat shagged in.
Crystalynn?
What are you doing here?
This area is for top-level VIP
entourage only.
Read 'em and weep.
I'm with the lead singer,
aka the front man,
Tim Stinson.
Mm, right. I forgot about him
'cause I'm seeing the bass player,
who the band is named after,
Rick Ocean.
Oh, he just lucked out 'cause
his last name happens to be Ocean.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo!
♪ Beachy beach music... ♪
Too bad you can't do that,
jumpsuit.
Good thing I always
come prepared.
There's someone special
here tonight,
someone who is the pearl
in my oyster,
the flip to my flop,
the colada to my piña...
Betty Hart, will you join me on stage?
Don't we look good together?
No!
Now, don't you think
this pretty lady
should be by my side
for the entire tour, huh?
No!
I want you to be my woman, Betty.
What do you say?
Can you hand that to Tim Stinson?
This feels so good.
Toppling the meatriarchy.
Yeah!
Brenda, are you sure
I'm not gonna get in trouble?
- Violet, you're gonna be fine.
- Hey, kid!
Get down from there!
Oh, crap.
Violet, it's the po-po.
I'll create a perversion.
- Don't you mean diversion?
- Not the way I do it.
Come on, boys,
winner, winner, Brenda dinner.
We got a streak going, babies!
- Randy!
- What the hell, Randy?
That's enough, Randy.
Well, check out the new tour bus.
It's a sweet ride, honey.
There's a cooler in the console,
perfect for daiquiris, and
any medication you might have.
Mm, I do love an ice cold
Tylenol PM.
Not a bad place to hang
for 46 weeks a year.
What do you say?
I don't know, y'all.
You worried
I can't take care of you?
I got a structured
settlement coming in
from when I slipped on a shrimp
and hurt my back
on a pontoon boat at Riverfest.
Mm. You are pushing
all the right buttons.
I have to think about it.
Give me the night.
I say give me the night!
Get ready, pork munchers.
One minute to tongs down.
Nope, still not right.
I got to cut the heat that I added
to counter the sweet,
that I added to counter the sour
of all that extra vinegar.
Ah, you know what?
- Let's just go all ketchup. Damn it, Jenny.
- Well, sorry.
Tongs down!
Your Lord and Flavior
is upon you.
Uh...
- Uh...
- Hi, Mr. Scoville.
Wow, that is fun hair.
Seeing it in person, lucky me.
Whoo! And your cologne!
Wow, that is...
that's great.
You don't get that aspect
on TV, do you?
Anyways, Chip...
can I call you Chip?
I'm talking too much. You see,
I put Wayne in this position.
This is too long. Anyways, can
you just please go easy on him?
"Easys" are for Sunday mornings,
and last time I checked,
it's Bro-derday.
Now hit me with your pork.
Now let's see how
it donkey-kicks my taste-budoodles.
Your sauce...
...is a total loss.
This is the worst day of my life.
- Why did you make me do this?
- Oh, Wayne, I'm so sorry.
So, uh, your whole
"footprints in the sand" thing
really blew up in my face.
- Wayne is so upset.
- Boy, you're really not getting this.
You are still on the beach, okay?
You're still living the allegory.
So just keep on
walking down that beach.
I mean, I carried that guy
a really long way.
My dogs were barking.
You know, maybe I'm not getting it
'cause I can't picture it.
Were you carrying the guy,
like, fireman style?
Or, like, a bride
over the threshold?
It was face-to-face, like how
you would carry a toddler.
Really? So, like, with his legs
wrapped around you?
And your hands on his butt?
Yeah, we called it
a "Jericho Sleigh Ride."
It was a pretty standard mode
of transportation back then.
It was a different time.
Look, just buck up and keep going.
I think I'm finally understanding.
I wasn't carrying him,
I was pushing him.
I just wanted him
to see how great he is.
- Or you wanted you to see how great he is.
- What?
I'm just saying,
maybe Wayne's carrying you.
Maybe you're about
to learn something.
Ugh!
How did that guy not know
your hands were on his butt?
Oh, maybe he was asleep?
I mean, that had to be it, right?
Otherwise, you'd just be
creepily staring
into each other's eyes?
Jesus?
You still eating on that?
Well, it's good
to the last drop, baby.
- I know.
- I'm sorry, Wayne.
You are so great, and your
frickin' barbecue is so great.
I just wanted you to see that.
Jenny, I'm good.
And I know my barbecue's good.
- Good.
- And I wasn't down on myself
until it seemed like
you were down on myself.
I wasn't down on you.
Then why'd you force me
into the cook-off?
I guess I did need to prove something
to myself. Or maybe to Mother?
But your barbecue and you
are already amazing.
- I'm just such a dang ding-dong.
- Jenny, I have a idea.
Oh, Betty,
what the hell are you gonna do?
♪ Goin' beach to beach
with my baby ♪
♪ Beach music
in a traveling show ♪
♪ Sittin' in my car
with my baby ♪
♪ Beach music on the radio ♪
- ♪ Got our beach T-shirts ♪
- Oh!
♪ And beach blond hair ♪
♪ Sand in our flip-flops
and our underwear ♪
♪ Goin' beach-to-beach ♪
♪ With my beachy beach baby ♪
♪ Beach-to-beach
with my beachy beach girl ♪
♪ All you need is music
and a beach ♪
♪ And a man and a lady ♪
♪ Beach. ♪
So back to see your handiwork?
Yeah. I didn't get to fill
the thought bubble in,
but I think it's still gonna get
my message across:
pigs have thoughts and feelings.
Look at that pig!
- He's fartin'!
- A farting pig?
- That's hilarious.
- Oh...
- What?
- That funny farting pig
is really making me want
to eat more barbecue.
Yeah, yesterday
I got kind of depressed
thinking about
how intelligent pigs are.
But this fun drawing has
really lightened the mood.
- I thought you didn't eat meat.
- I just realized something.
Pigs aren't as smart as people...
they're clearly way smarter.
And if we don't eat them,
they're gonna take over.
True 'dat. Whoo!
Betty. Thank the beach.
For a minute, I thought
you weren't comin'.
I've thought about it.
I've dreamt about it.
You're offering me a life
of glitz and glamour,
soft rocking our way
through the finest
Native American
gambling establishments
through all the Southeast.
But I'm a star right here in
Greenpoint... the star of my family.
I'm La Toya Jackson,
and they are whoever
those other Jacksons are.
My family's my entourage,
and they need me to survive.
I can't say I didn't see
this coming, but...
- Well, I guess this is it.
- Honey, this is not it.
You're gonna be wading
through my low tide at...
The Durham Craft Beer
and Catfish Bash in September.
See you soon, Mr. Ocean.
Not if I smell you first.
You know what?
I got stuff to do.
It's time for Chip
to taste my real barbecue.
Ding-dong doodle, broseef.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't just barge in here.
Oh, hey. You're the guy
with that vinegar bomb
from yesterday that nearly
threatened my sobriety.
Chip, he is such a huge fan.
He's-he's seen every episode
of D3 multiple times.
If he's a true fan,
he's seen the online aftershow
of season four, episode three.
- The Meat Diaper Challenge.
- If your slather don't stick...
You must acquit.
Blango tango.
Hang on, boys.
Looks like we got
a true-blue fanaroo here.
It's true,
Mr. Bro-sident in Chef.
All right.
Hand me that pan.
But this better knock
the chain off my wallet.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Hey, hoss, your sauce...
...is boss!
♪ Mm. Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Chicka, chicka ♪
- Baby, you just got bro-fingered.
- Oh, yeah.
♪ Chicka, chicka. ♪
Well, Jenny, you were right.
Wayne's an entre-pray-newer
after all.
Here you go.
Got one for you.
Right here.
Thank you very much.
Who knows people
were dying for a way
to burn off all that barbecue.
Run, you beautiful beasts!
Devil birds, you'll never
catch me, my babies!
Oh! It got me!
- Oh, Lord, look away, Violet.
- Oh-ee!
I've already seen it.
Ow!
Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Ooh! Ooh.
Ow!
smells like sheer heaven.
Yeah, it does.
Uh-uh, get out of here, bird.
Can somebody pass the lettuce?
You know, the one food
on this table
that never had thoughts,
or feelings, or a face?
Violet, hush.
Wayne's barbecue is magical.
Oh, she's just going through
her vegetarian phase.
Not a phase. Unless caring
about murder is a phase.
Violet, honey, I watched you
dip a corn dog
into a can of chili
less than a week ago.
Thanks for bringing up
my rock bottom, Mom.
I'm five days meat sober.
Get out of here, bird!
Oh, and by the way,
I got an idea
for the ostriches, y'all.
You've heard of the running
of the bulls?
Well, get ready for the running
of the birds.
Oh, my Lord, y'all.
We all know Wayne's
never gonna make dime one
on any of these schemes.
You just wait. One of Wayne's
ideas is gonna hit.
If Wayne wants to be
an entre-pray-newer...
mmm...
man alive, is this good...
then he needs to find the thing
that he is good at.
Mmm. Mmm!
Y'all, this barbecue is just,
oh, it's melting in my mouth.
And do that thing instead
of all this bird nonsense.
Mmm, mmm-mmm.
Wayne, I know
what you should do.
You should enter the cook-off
at this year's Barbecue Festival!
Nah. I know my barbecue's good.
- Who needs a top-off?
- I do! Hallelujah!
What's the opposite of "hallelujah"?
Here you go.
Got one for you... Whoa!
Almost got me.
- What's wrong, baby?
- The drawing I submitted
to be the logo for the
Greenpoint Barbecue Festival?
- It won.
- Well, Violet, that's great!
"Go ahead and eat me,
but remember I'm as smart
as a human toddler!"
Gram, look what they did. They
took out the thought bubble.
- Thank God.
- They censored me.
How can my art provoke
with a fascist boot on my neck?
Wait.
Rick Ocean and the Sandbars?
Oh, Vi.
Do you know the song
"I Found Her Flip-Flop on the Beach"?
If I say no,
can we go back to my thing?
Rick Ocean and the Sandbars
are the international kings
of Carolina beach music.
With all their hit songs:
"Beach Music,"
"Sand Music Beach,"
"You Bring the Beach, parentheses,
I'll Bring the Music,"
"Life's a Beach
and Then You Swim,
parentheses, the Music Song."
And of course,
"B-E-A-C-H, parentheses,
That's How I Spell Music."
You know, I am very close,
intimate friends
- with Rick Ocean.
- And cue the gross story.
He was my first real romance
after Ed died.
I was in a hole so deep,
I thought I'd never get out.
Rick's touch healed me.
For over a decade,
we've been like two ships
that pass in the night.
And circle back around to ram
into each other like
the Titanic and that iceberg.
Violet?
Okay, barbecue
fans, it's time to get fired up
for "Dips, Drizzles and Dunks"!
With the am-bro-ssador of
bro-b-cue, Chip Scoville!
I'm feeling the tang.
I'm tasting that
funkalicious cardamom.
Your sauce...
...is boss!
He got the bro fingers!
Chip hands those out, like,
once an episode, maybe.
That must be
some funktastic aioli.
Oh, man.
I love Chip so much.
He is the bad boy of flavor.
Wayne, no offense to Chip,
but he just comments on flavors.
You are a flavor maker.
And-and look what it says right
here: deadline is tomorrow.
It's not too late. We can
sign you up right now.
You know, my barbecue takes
a lot of preparation,
and I-I simply do not have the time.
I saw this documentary about a guy
who tried to run a marathon
without the proper preparation,
and he ran 90 yards,
crapped his pants, and died.
But, Wayne, if you don't do this,
that man will have crapped
and died for nothing.
But, Jenny, if I do enter,
you're gonna have two deaths
and two craps on your hands.
Jenny. How could you be so sad
with your boo making
barbecue this good?
You know, Wayne should enter that
barbecue contest at the festival.
That's what I told him.
But he won't budge.
There's no way he's gonna
enter that contest.
Jenny, do you know the parable
of the footprints in the sand?
Oh, yeah. That Dateline
about that newlywed couple
who were supposed to be
on a perfect vacation,
but then the husband
pushed the wife off a balcony,
and his alibi was that they were
going for a walk on the beach,
but there was only one set
of footprints,
- 'cause he was dumping her body?
- No, but that was a good one.
- It's always the husband, right?
- Right?
- I still watch.
- Me, too!
No, the footprints story
I'm talking about...
I'm surprised you don't know this.
It's on, like, posters
and, like, crocheted stuff.
Anyway, the one I'm talking
about is the one where this guy
was going through a hard time
and only saw one set of footprints
and thought
I had abandoned him, but...
spoiler alert...
I was carrying him.
Oh, I get it.
You're saying
I need to use
my one set of footprints
to enter Wayne in the contest
behind his back!
- That's a great idea!
- No. The story's not
about doing something
behind somebody's back.
Yeah, I think it is.
- Mm... I think no.
- Well...
- yeah...
- No...
Welcome to the 23rd annual
Greenpoint Barbecue Festival,
where we show all of
North Carolina that you can't
spell "barbecue" without some
of the letters in "Greenpoint."
Gram, it's just,
it's too much Wind Song.
Baby, you got
to lure a man with his senses.
And Rick Ocean's senses have
to overcome a park
full of roasting swine.
Now, why is it that you're
wearing a full leather jumpsuit
at an outdoor festival
in the summer?
I call this outfit
my man catcher.
It goes effortlessly
from day to night.
This getup was scientifically
formulated, y'all,
to catch one super fine bass player
by the name of Rick Ocean.
Wait. The band is named after
him, but he's not the lead singer?
'Cause his fingers are that good.
And his thumb is so calloused,
it could hammer a nail
- into sheetrock.
- Ew.
Oh. Ew!
No.
No!
Nooo!
Ooh. I haven't eaten in 36 hours
in preparation to eat
the best barbecue
North Carolina has to offer.
Wayne!
What is this over here in this area?
Why is Leonard at that booth?
Congratulations, you're in the contest!
This is your booth.
Get cooking. Yay!
- Jenny...
- I entered you in the contest.
Yay!
What a fun thing I did. Yay!
You should've told me you were
doing this, so I could've said no.
Wait, I did say no!
Come on, Wayne.
We got all your supplies.
Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue!
- No, no, clap on the word.
- Uh-uh. Follow me.
Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue! Wayne's 'cue!
Wayne's 'cue!
Well, I thought about it,
and something dawned on me.
I'm a grown-ass man,
and I don't have to be here.
Well, you know, since
we're already signed up, uh,
I guess I got to cook it myself.
I'll just grab some of these
flavor dust sprinkles...
- Jenny, you know that's called rub.
- Uh-oh.
That's probably too much.
Well, that's okay.
I'm just gonna rinse it off,
but what do I have for that?
Oh, perfect, baby wipes.
And I'll just cut it into cubes,
and boil it gray.
Jenny, I know that's
reverse psychology,
and I'll tell you right now,
I never don't fall for it.
Give me those tongs!
I'll take a white zin
on the rocks,
and make it a home pour.
- There she is, my Betty.
- Mmm. Zip!
Even though I was standing
next to a Porta Potti
and a mini-dumpster
of pig remains in the heat...
- Zip!
- ...you made sure I found you.
- Senor Oceano.
- Senorita Corazón.
Come on. Let's go back
to my dressing "caban-ya."
I can't wait to peel you
out of that Mamma Mia!
slash Evel Knievel getup.
Hey. Hey, you.
Your costume was built on lies.
- Violet?
- Brenda?
Whew! That feels good.
It's hot as hell in this pig suit.
- What's got you so upset, girly?
- This. I was censored.
Oh, man, that is some
total bull crap.
Girl, you come with me.
I got a plan.
- Already?
- Petty retaliation is in my DNA.
It's my superpower.
Now, stop panicking
'cause Auntie Brenda's gonna
help you fix this the
old-fashioned way: vandalism.
- Look at you go, Wayne!
- It's a balancing act.
Tart, hot, sour, sweet,
and a million unknowables.
I just have to feel it.
♪ It's so fun
to carry my boyfriend. ♪
Hey, shh. I need total silence
while I work out these ratios.
Dropping like a meat-eating meteor,
it's your surprise
celebrity guest judge,
Chip Scoville!
Chip Scoville? He's here?
Ugh, where is he getting
those sound effects?
- Wayne, you doing okay?
- Wayne, your vinegar!
My-my ratios!
♪ I love the beach ♪
♪ And the beach loves me ♪
- Uh-huh.
- ♪ The beachy beach ♪
♪ Music really sets me free ♪
♪ I love the beach,
and the beach loves me ♪
♪ Listening to beach music
always sets me free ♪
♪ The notes, the rhythm ♪
♪ The treble, the bass ♪
♪ That beachy beach music
puts a smile on my face ♪
- ♪ Beachy beach music, beach music ♪
- ♪ Ooh, woo ♪
♪ Beachy beach music... ♪
Well, well,
look what the cat shagged in.
Crystalynn?
What are you doing here?
This area is for top-level VIP
entourage only.
Read 'em and weep.
I'm with the lead singer,
aka the front man,
Tim Stinson.
Mm, right. I forgot about him
'cause I'm seeing the bass player,
who the band is named after,
Rick Ocean.
Oh, he just lucked out 'cause
his last name happens to be Ocean.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo!
♪ Beachy beach music... ♪
Too bad you can't do that,
jumpsuit.
Good thing I always
come prepared.
There's someone special
here tonight,
someone who is the pearl
in my oyster,
the flip to my flop,
the colada to my piña...
Betty Hart, will you join me on stage?
Don't we look good together?
No!
Now, don't you think
this pretty lady
should be by my side
for the entire tour, huh?
No!
I want you to be my woman, Betty.
What do you say?
Can you hand that to Tim Stinson?
This feels so good.
Toppling the meatriarchy.
Yeah!
Brenda, are you sure
I'm not gonna get in trouble?
- Violet, you're gonna be fine.
- Hey, kid!
Get down from there!
Oh, crap.
Violet, it's the po-po.
I'll create a perversion.
- Don't you mean diversion?
- Not the way I do it.
Come on, boys,
winner, winner, Brenda dinner.
We got a streak going, babies!
- Randy!
- What the hell, Randy?
That's enough, Randy.
Well, check out the new tour bus.
It's a sweet ride, honey.
There's a cooler in the console,
perfect for daiquiris, and
any medication you might have.
Mm, I do love an ice cold
Tylenol PM.
Not a bad place to hang
for 46 weeks a year.
What do you say?
I don't know, y'all.
You worried
I can't take care of you?
I got a structured
settlement coming in
from when I slipped on a shrimp
and hurt my back
on a pontoon boat at Riverfest.
Mm. You are pushing
all the right buttons.
I have to think about it.
Give me the night.
I say give me the night!
Get ready, pork munchers.
One minute to tongs down.
Nope, still not right.
I got to cut the heat that I added
to counter the sweet,
that I added to counter the sour
of all that extra vinegar.
Ah, you know what?
- Let's just go all ketchup. Damn it, Jenny.
- Well, sorry.
Tongs down!
Your Lord and Flavior
is upon you.
Uh...
- Uh...
- Hi, Mr. Scoville.
Wow, that is fun hair.
Seeing it in person, lucky me.
Whoo! And your cologne!
Wow, that is...
that's great.
You don't get that aspect
on TV, do you?
Anyways, Chip...
can I call you Chip?
I'm talking too much. You see,
I put Wayne in this position.
This is too long. Anyways, can
you just please go easy on him?
"Easys" are for Sunday mornings,
and last time I checked,
it's Bro-derday.
Now hit me with your pork.
Now let's see how
it donkey-kicks my taste-budoodles.
Your sauce...
...is a total loss.
This is the worst day of my life.
- Why did you make me do this?
- Oh, Wayne, I'm so sorry.
So, uh, your whole
"footprints in the sand" thing
really blew up in my face.
- Wayne is so upset.
- Boy, you're really not getting this.
You are still on the beach, okay?
You're still living the allegory.
So just keep on
walking down that beach.
I mean, I carried that guy
a really long way.
My dogs were barking.
You know, maybe I'm not getting it
'cause I can't picture it.
Were you carrying the guy,
like, fireman style?
Or, like, a bride
over the threshold?
It was face-to-face, like how
you would carry a toddler.
Really? So, like, with his legs
wrapped around you?
And your hands on his butt?
Yeah, we called it
a "Jericho Sleigh Ride."
It was a pretty standard mode
of transportation back then.
It was a different time.
Look, just buck up and keep going.
I think I'm finally understanding.
I wasn't carrying him,
I was pushing him.
I just wanted him
to see how great he is.
- Or you wanted you to see how great he is.
- What?
I'm just saying,
maybe Wayne's carrying you.
Maybe you're about
to learn something.
Ugh!
How did that guy not know
your hands were on his butt?
Oh, maybe he was asleep?
I mean, that had to be it, right?
Otherwise, you'd just be
creepily staring
into each other's eyes?
Jesus?
You still eating on that?
Well, it's good
to the last drop, baby.
- I know.
- I'm sorry, Wayne.
You are so great, and your
frickin' barbecue is so great.
I just wanted you to see that.
Jenny, I'm good.
And I know my barbecue's good.
- Good.
- And I wasn't down on myself
until it seemed like
you were down on myself.
I wasn't down on you.
Then why'd you force me
into the cook-off?
I guess I did need to prove something
to myself. Or maybe to Mother?
But your barbecue and you
are already amazing.
- I'm just such a dang ding-dong.
- Jenny, I have a idea.
Oh, Betty,
what the hell are you gonna do?
♪ Goin' beach to beach
with my baby ♪
♪ Beach music
in a traveling show ♪
♪ Sittin' in my car
with my baby ♪
♪ Beach music on the radio ♪
- ♪ Got our beach T-shirts ♪
- Oh!
♪ And beach blond hair ♪
♪ Sand in our flip-flops
and our underwear ♪
♪ Goin' beach-to-beach ♪
♪ With my beachy beach baby ♪
♪ Beach-to-beach
with my beachy beach girl ♪
♪ All you need is music
and a beach ♪
♪ And a man and a lady ♪
♪ Beach. ♪
So back to see your handiwork?
Yeah. I didn't get to fill
the thought bubble in,
but I think it's still gonna get
my message across:
pigs have thoughts and feelings.
Look at that pig!
- He's fartin'!
- A farting pig?
- That's hilarious.
- Oh...
- What?
- That funny farting pig
is really making me want
to eat more barbecue.
Yeah, yesterday
I got kind of depressed
thinking about
how intelligent pigs are.
But this fun drawing has
really lightened the mood.
- I thought you didn't eat meat.
- I just realized something.
Pigs aren't as smart as people...
they're clearly way smarter.
And if we don't eat them,
they're gonna take over.
True 'dat. Whoo!
Betty. Thank the beach.
For a minute, I thought
you weren't comin'.
I've thought about it.
I've dreamt about it.
You're offering me a life
of glitz and glamour,
soft rocking our way
through the finest
Native American
gambling establishments
through all the Southeast.
But I'm a star right here in
Greenpoint... the star of my family.
I'm La Toya Jackson,
and they are whoever
those other Jacksons are.
My family's my entourage,
and they need me to survive.
I can't say I didn't see
this coming, but...
- Well, I guess this is it.
- Honey, this is not it.
You're gonna be wading
through my low tide at...
The Durham Craft Beer
and Catfish Bash in September.
See you soon, Mr. Ocean.
Not if I smell you first.
You know what?
I got stuff to do.
It's time for Chip
to taste my real barbecue.
Ding-dong doodle, broseef.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't just barge in here.
Oh, hey. You're the guy
with that vinegar bomb
from yesterday that nearly
threatened my sobriety.
Chip, he is such a huge fan.
He's-he's seen every episode
of D3 multiple times.
If he's a true fan,
he's seen the online aftershow
of season four, episode three.
- The Meat Diaper Challenge.
- If your slather don't stick...
You must acquit.
Blango tango.
Hang on, boys.
Looks like we got
a true-blue fanaroo here.
It's true,
Mr. Bro-sident in Chef.
All right.
Hand me that pan.
But this better knock
the chain off my wallet.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Hey, hoss, your sauce...
...is boss!
♪ Mm. Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Chicka, chicka ♪
- Baby, you just got bro-fingered.
- Oh, yeah.
♪ Chicka, chicka. ♪
Well, Jenny, you were right.
Wayne's an entre-pray-newer
after all.
Here you go.
Got one for you.
Right here.
Thank you very much.
Who knows people
were dying for a way
to burn off all that barbecue.
Run, you beautiful beasts!
Devil birds, you'll never
catch me, my babies!
Oh! It got me!
- Oh, Lord, look away, Violet.
- Oh-ee!
I've already seen it.
Ow!
Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Ooh! Ooh.
Ow!