Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Trash Twins - full transcript

Jenny and Betty plot the ultimate revenge on Betty's arch-nemesis; Wayne tries to deal with his misbehaving uncle.

Mm, mm, mm.
Look at those two, y'all.

- Ew.
- Yeah. Ew.

Are his nips pierced?

Ugh. Look at his girlfriend,
Miss Tube-Top Tube-Bottom.

Everyone knows you can't do
tube on tube.

Excuse me, Judge Judy
and Judge Joe Brown,

- aren't you two barefoot?
- What?

- Our shoes are right here.
- We just came from Fancy Nails,

- aka the classiest place in town.
- Although, Mother,

you could be a little more
on the down-low

when you pump squirt cheese
into your Jumbo Chugger.



You're saying that
while you're elbow deep

- in a Splenda caddy?
- Violet, this isn't low class.

When something is complimentary,
it is actually tacky not to take it.

They will expire,
and people will get sick.

Is that what you want, Violet?

Oh, damn. Here comes
that righteous little witch,

- Crystalynn Poole.
- Crystalynn is a perfectly nice person.

That's what
she wants you to think.

Oh, no.
Here comes a nice-off.

Ugh. Not in the mood.

Oh! Hi, Crystalynn.

Betty. Oh, my word,
it is so good to see you.

Just looking younger and younger
with each passing day.

Crystalynn, I just love your perm.



Thank you.
Isn't it so wonderful

that the Lord
brought us together today?

Praise him.

Well, I got to go get my
baby boy-themed party supplies

for my grandangel's sip and see.
Y'all take care now.

You, too, Crystalynn.

- Did you hear that lady-turd?
- Ugh. Stop it!

What is a sip and see anyway?

It's a party where phony-butt
hoity-toities stand around

drinking mimosas and cooing over
whatever plopped out

of their daughter's baby crater.

Oh, Mother.
My favorite thing about you

is how you support other women.

Take a shower, trash twins!

What the freak?!

Oh, I'm gonna take a shower, all right.

♪ In somebody's blood! ♪

My friggin' pedicure's got
a Gatorade lid stuck to it!

Hell no!
Not today, Satan!

- That had to be Crystalynn.
- Ugh. We just saw her.

- And she was totally sweet!
- Like a deceitful gummy candy.

She starts sweet
so she can go sour.

- It's all part of her grift.
- Whatever, Mother.

I'm gonna go home and clean up.

She thinks she's playing
the long game,

but I'm about to scream "Yahtzee!"

Oh, my God, Jenny.
You smell like dumpster water.

Whoo!
I'm just gonna crack a window.

Hey!

Oh, my God.
It's Uncle Tommy.

Whoa!

Wait, that child with the cast
on his arm is your uncle?

- How old is he?
- Ten. He's my meemaw's youngest.

Meemaw was getting busy deep
into her 40s,

and having babies at the same time
as my mama and her sisters.

Meemaw's a real party girl.
So it always kind of falls on me

to keep him out of trouble.
Hey!

Stop that this
instant, Uncle Tommy!

Nephew Wayne!

I need to grab him
until Meemaw wears herself out.

Uncle Tommy.

- Get your ass over here.
- Uncle Tommy. Come over here, hon.

- What is he doing?
- Oh, Lord, he's slicking up.

I can't get ahold of him.

He's too damn buttery.

Jenny, throw me that tarp.

Ah!

So he's okay under there?

There you go, he-he likes
to be swaddled.

Oh, my God.
We caught a real-life Nell.

You know what?

I think I know where
to take Uncle Tommy to tame him.

He needs to go to church.
And not just any church.

Uncle Tommy,
I was a lot like you.

And this place really turned me
around... Stop squirming!

And stop licking me...

Damn it, whose dog is this?!

Uncle Tommy!

So... what did this person
call y'all again?

Trash twins.

- Which, I believe, is a federal crime.
- Well, no, it is not.

And I don't know why anyone
would call y'all trash twins.

When I got you both over here
slathering up

with about a gallon
of free hand lotion.

Or digging out a panty bite
and then touching

no fewer than nine peaches
with that same hand!

Okay, right, right there!
Freeze!

Oh, hell no.

Crystal [bleep] Lynn!

They called you what?!

- It's okay. Take it easy.
- I won't.

You're the classiest girl
I know, gosh dang it.

Do-do-do-do.
Look at you two.

Just chatting by the garbage.

Well, when you're finished
with your little dumpster chat,

you go ahead and clock out.
I'm heading out early.

Got a dinner date
with my sweet Daniel.

He likes me to order and then get
his stuff to go. He's so silly.

He's a businessman.

Two! She said two.
How many are twins? Two.

What do you put in the dumpster?
Trash. Trash twins!

- It's Louise!
- Oh, cool your jets. It wasn't Louise.

She doesn't even shop
at Mega Lo Mart.

- Brenda, where'd you get that brick?
- My purse.

Jenny, shug, why so down?

Someone drove by me and Mother
in the Mega Lo Mart parking lot

and called us "trash twins"!

- Whaaat?! That's ridiculous.
- Right?

But you had just come
from Fancy Nails,

- so were you...?
- We were barefoot, yeah.

- Oh.
- What?

So you were barefoot.
In a Mega Lo Mart.

- Yes. And the parking lot.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, if Betty wants to retaliate,

you should definitely try
and rise above.

An eye for an eye
just makes everyone blind.

You didn't, like,
go into the bathroom

- while you were barefoot, did you?
- Sorry, what?

Oh, nothing.
Never mind.

Good gravy, the floor in there...

Maybe I have gotten
a little too casual.

You know, in fact,
I'm gonna clean myself up.

I'm gonna wear more skirt suits
and, and read more

and watch documentaries, you know?

I'm not trash.
And Mother is not doing

some trashy revenge.
The end.

What's happening?

Oh, I'm just watching
a documentary about jazz,

i.e., killing two classy birds
with one classy stone.

And are you really drinking
hot tea?

Yes. It's... wonderful.
It's hot, unsweetened tea.

Mmm. Earthy.

Now I'm going to write a
British poem. Say a theme.

- Craziness?
- Craziness.

British insanity.

What rhymes with "insanity"?

In-fam-ility.
You know what?

I think I'm just gonna focus
on my documentary.

I'm almost done.

- Oh, goody, it has 36... more parts.
- Okay, Mom.

I like what
you are attempting to do here.

It's a little unsettling,
but at least you're not yelling

in the Mega Lo Mart
whilst barefoot.

"Whilst." Oh, that's an excellent
word for my British poem.

Read 'em and weep.

Told. You. Y'all.

The mouth that yelled
"trash twins."

Not gonna lose it.
Huh... I'm just gonna stay classy

and finish my elegant poem.

Whilst... whilst...

♪ whilst I tear that holy-rolling ♪

♪ frizz noggin a new pyew hole! ♪

Crystalynn, you two-faced Judas.
Oh, that just burns me up.

She thinks she is so much better than us.

Well, well, well.
Look who just checked in

at the Golden Trough Buffet.

You better hit that baked potato
bar hard and fast, Crystalynn,

- 'cause you're about to lose your appetite.
- There she is.

Now, Mother, let's not climb
directly into the mud here.

If we're gonna do this,
I think we should do it classy.

Right?
Let's kill her with kindness.

Fine, we'll do it your way.

- Garbage water!
- I don't know why in the hell

people drink unsweetened tea.

Reverend Ace,
I want to thank you

so much for taking the time
to talk to me

- and my Uncle Tommy.
- Wh-Whoa. That kid's your uncle?

- Yep.
- That's crazy.

- How old is he? Seven, eight?
- Yeah, he's ten.

But he's got the criminal mind
of a 20-year-old.

I think he needs guidance, you know,

a, a place where he fits in.

You brought this young man
to the right gym church.

He's a perfect fit
for our Little Lifters program.

Praise him!

Whoo! Look at 'em go!

You wouldn't believe it
to look at 'em now,

but them sweet muscular
little boys used to be

a gang of unholy butts.
Don't worry, Wayne.

I'll have your Uncle Tommy
spiritually ripped in no time.

No, whoa-whoa,
Tommy, no, no, whoa!

That's not a phone book,
brother. That's a Bible.

We only tear through those
with our eyes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

beloved members
of our congregation,

please welcome to the altar
Reverend Ace!

Listen up, folks!
I used to be a bad seed,

a hard-core drugger.

Even got arrested for putting
a cop in a headlock.

Lucky for me, there was one dude
I couldn't put in a headlock,

'cause of his thorny crown.

Damn. I'm talking about Jesus.

Now, instead of bending the law,
I bend to the power of his word!

Aw, yeah.

Through the power of Christ and
a low-fat, protein-rich diet,

I rip through sin!

Temptation!

And the "C" word.

So in the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Swolly Ghost!

Amen!

♪ Crazy on you ♪

♪ Crazy on you ♪

♪ Let me go crazy,
crazy on you ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

Oh, hey, Crystalynn.

Look at you, all done up and pretty.

Ugh, your face looks like
lipstick on an old man fist.

Betty and Jenny.

Oh, my word,
you look so cute as always.

Your smile just lights up a room.

Uh, invest in some Whitestrips.

And also a mirror, corn teeth.

Ooh, I like
your statement necklace.

Do you wear
that Lucifer dog collar

when you're out
sniffing other dogs' butts?

Don't you just love
this Golden Trough buffet?

You two dumpster possums
can't afford to eat out.

What'd you do?
Sell your hair or something?

The weirdest thing happened
after we saw you

at Mega Lo Mart the other day.

When we exited, some so-and-so
drove by and catcalled us.

That's right, I'm in this, too,

and we know what you did,
poodle-headed snizz face.

Uh... uh...

Well, I got to get back
to doing the Lord's work.

Y'all enjoy your lunch.

- Whoa!
- I came as fast as I could.

- What's going on?
- I'm sorry, Wayne.

I did my best,
but Uncle Tommy has got to go.

Geez. I thought
you could fix him, Reverend Ace.

He started out destroying

all the right stuff
in the name of the Lord,

but then he just moved on over
to the employee kitchenette,

and started busting up
things in there!

No, Uncle Tommy!

That stationary bike is
supposed to stay stationary.

Oh! Man, that felt so good.

That two-faced hussy
got the taste

- knocked out of both her mouths.
- Oh, you two don't need to pay.

Crystalynn bought both your dinners.

She said y'all are usually
struggling with money stuff,

and she wanted to help
the needy. Isn't she sweet?

"The sweetest."

Okay. I'm ready to mud-wrestle.

My perm!

Don't forget to get
a big old scoop

of my baked mac and cheese.

Oh, my Lord!

So detailed.

I'll see your porch skunk
and raise you an erotic topiary.

Enjoy your lawn wiener, y'all!

You guys having a good time?

What are you doing standing in
the kitchen with the lights off?

Mm, what am I?
I don't know.

Maybe I'm just waiting for
you two to grow up, I guess.

You know, it's all around town,
what you guys are doing.

Baby, it's called justice.

Violet, when you become an
adult, you'll see that this is

how grown-ups work out
problems with each other.

Stupid gross pranks?
R-rated topiaries?

- That's how adults communicate?
- Sure is.

And what were you gonna
do with this?

Put it in her bed like
The Godfather horse head

- to send a message.
- What's the message?

That... she's... trash.

Mom, you know I go to school
with Crystalynn's granddaughter.

- Oh. Right.
- And you're just... ugh.

You're embarrassing me.

- What?
- You are embarrassing!

- How's Violet?
- I don't know.

She left for school
before I saw her.

- I-I feel so bad.
- Yeah, me, too.

I feel awful.
Which is why it's gonna take

every ounce of strength I have
to pick up that phone

and order a stripper cop
over to Crystalynn's

- grandangel's sip and see.
- Ugh. No, Mother.

But you know what?
We are going over there.

To apologize.

We need to put this
feud to rest because we

are grown adults, and
we are better than this.

And I don't want Violet
to be embarrassed of me.

Fine. I'll go over there,
but if she so much as breathes

the wrong way, her sip and see's
gonna get a visit

from the "Long Weiner of the Law."

All right, Uncle Tommy.
I'm taking you back to Meemaw.

Hopefully she's not drunk under
a pool table by now.

Oh, she's working here?

Hey, shug. Everything okay?

Oh, sweet pea.

I bet you thought I was
drinking here, didn't you?

Nah...
Well, yeah.

Took this as a second job
about a month ago.

It costs a lot of money to feed
and clothe all the critters

I got running around my house.

Plus, I'm saving up
for this year's Shredfest,

featuring Rob Zombie, The Cult
and a meet and greet with Korn.

Get in here and give me a hug.

I got your back.
I love you, Meemaw.

Aw. Love you, too, baby.

Now let me get y'all
something to eat.

I really owe you
for spending so much time

- with my little wrecking ball.
- "Wrecking ball." He sure is.

You know what, Meemaw?

You mind if I kept him
for just a few more hours?

Hey, Wayne. I thought
you were starting work

- on this site next week.
- Yeah, I am.

But I just wanted
to stop by with someone

who might be able
to help you out today.

- Ah. My Uncle Tommy.
- Uncle Tommy can't work here.

Oh, you don't have to call it work.
This is all play to him.

- Have at it, Uncle T.
- Thanks, Wayne.

Yeah, we can cancel
that wrecking ball.

Aw. It's like a whole new
Uncle Tommy. Come here.

Oh!

Damn it!
Right in the balls!

What is wrong with you, boy?

- Nope.
- No, no, no.

- Crystalynn, no.
- Don't shut the door.

We came to say that we're sorry.

I would... like...
to apologize to you.

And we even brought you
a little gift.

I'd sooner unwrap an Edible
Arrangement from the Unabomber.

You do it.

A "What Happens at Grandmaw's
Stays at Grandmaw's" onesie.

Aw...

Baby, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too.
This feels so good.

Oh, y'all,
please come in for a minute.

- Really? Are you sure?
- Betty, I am.

Everybody, this is
my good friend Betty Hart

and her gorgeous daughter
Jenny Hart.

Now y'all come here
and meet my grandangel,

Tristen Poole Henderson.

- I could eat him.
- Aw, me, too. Eat him up.

I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna eat him.

Ooh, I'll get it.

Oh! Smell his head.

Oh, heaven.
Sheer heaven.

Oh... yes.

I think
Baby Tristen Poole Henderson

just got his first lesson
in forgiveness.

Aw...

Vi, I'm sorry for how
out of hand we got.

We're-we're done with all that
and we apologized to Crystalynn.

Well, if you did do that,
then I'm proud of you, Mom.

Thank you for helping us
come to our senses.

So glad we finally
squashed that beef.

Maybe you squashed it,
but I marinated it

and doused it in ketchup.

And then I threw it to a wolf
and then I hunted that wolf

and then I skinned it
and ate it raw.

Mother, what are you talking about?

The second I found out
it was Crystalynn

who yelled "trash twins,"
I knew it was revenge time.

And I knew I had to go "nucular."

Phase one: stash refuse
under Violet's old kiddie pool,

including one
overripe picnic watermelon.

Phase two: prop the Crystalynn
head piñata

against Violet's easel.

I knew she'd see it
and confront you, Jenny.

I call this technique
Activating the Child.

And you fell right in line, Vi.

Soon as Violet's preteen ire burned
your butt like a laser, Jenny,

phase three was in motion, for
I needed you to gain us entrée

into Crystalynn's
with a sincere apology,

which you did beautifully.

You were so high
on your precious forgiveness

that you didn't even notice

the watermelon under my loosest
peasant-cut blouse

or the bundle of stinky trash
in my tote.

And the Hollywood-style
waterworks?

Ha, I'm just that good.

Watch and learn, Myrtle Streebs.

Once we were in,
I knew I had to act fast.

Oh, I'll get it.

And I knew all the head huffing

would cause Tristen Poole
Henderson to lose his paci,

giving me
the perfect opportunity

to slide that rotten watermelon
right under his crib.

And if my calculations are correct,

Crystalynn's sip and see
flymageddon

is starting right about... now.

Get the baby!
Get Tristen Poole Henderson!

That is... wow.

- That's pretty fantastic.
- Really, Violet?

That is the epitome
of childish, trashy behavior.

But Gram elevated it to an art form.

What happens at Grandmaw's
stays at Grandmaw's. Yahtzee!