Blandings (2013–2014): Season 2, Episode 1 - Throwing Eggs - full transcript

As ever, all Clarence wants is to be left in peace with his beloved pig, the Empress of Blandings. But events conspire against him as never before. On top of his imperious sister Connie and his feeble-witted, fun-loving son Freddie, the paradisal beauty of Blandings Castle is invaded by the poker-wielding, egg-throwing Duke of Dunstable, the most odious man in Shropshire. With the help of his faithful, port-fuelled butler, Beach, Clarence is obliged to navigate a cavalcade of impossible guests and impostors including a scandalous Hollywood actress, a saxophone-playing secretary, a leather-gusseted religious maniac, Clarence's frankly terrifying sister Charlotte and - worst of all - his incorrigibly rakish brother Galahad, on the prowl with a glittering monocle and a case full of shocking memoirs which threaten to ruin the entire family. Will tranquillity ever reign at Blandings Castle, even for an afternoon?

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LINDA!

Stop that ruddy whistling,
you disgusting Scotch peasant!

'LINDA!'

Duke of Dunstable. Appalling man.

First name begins with 'A',
staying here with his niece.

Can't remember her name, of course.
Clarence!

No, that's my name!
Oh, hello, Connie.

Have YOU seen Linda? Linda!

Alaric wants her. Alaric.
Oh, please, Clarence!

I mean, if he doesn't find the girl,



he's going to start smashing things
up with a poker.

You! Are you Scotch?

Gae cren yer blargy auld pwist,
y'clomping troon.

Ruddy fellow turns up
uninvited, trailing nieces,

stays for weeks,
spreading distemper.

His own place is vastly
bigger than Blandings,

why can't he stay
there for a change?

Bellowing about like a mastodon with
a hernia. What's this poor, erm...?

Linda.

Precisely, what's she done to deserve
to be dragged here? Clarence.

There is sufficient imbecility
in this world

without you contributing to it
by speaking.

For the last time!
HAVE YOU SEEN LINDA?!

Oh, God!



You shall not marry that creeping
pustule, Pongo Twistleton!

What kind of an imbecile allows
himself to be called 'Pongo'?

An imbecile who looks at my ward
and says to himself, "Toot, toot!

"Gravy train!
Here comes Uncle Alaric's cash!"

I think not!

And when you find my ruddy niece,
you just tell her that.

Very good, your grace.
Will that be all?

No! Where's Emsworth? Don't tell me.
Cavorting with that ruddy pig again!

The man's potty!

LINDA!

Has he gone, Beach?

He has, Miss.

'LINDA!'

Did he have a poker?

He has a tendency to pokers.

He used one to demolish the drawing
room of his own house,

because he could hear
Pongo whistling

'The Bonny, Bonny Banks
of Loch Lomond'.

He hates Scotland, you see,
he really hates whistling,

and above all, he hates Pongo!

He's a great hater, Uncle Alaric.

Yes, Miss. 'LINDA!'

LINDA!

Morning, Duke! Festering fistula!

LINDA!

So. Usual deplorable business.
Girl...

the one we were discussing earlier...
has to be kept away from young man.

Why? I have no idea. Oh, yes...
because he's poor!

I think that's ridiculous.
What does it matter?

I mean, suppose you won the Derby
and all of a sudden...

Are you addressing your pig?

Ah, Dunstable! Eh?
No, I was soliloquizing.

I heard you inciting that animal
to run the ruddy Derby!

Good God, Emsworth!

You can't put your shirt on a pig
to win a horse race!

Why should the Empress wish to wear
my shirt? Empress?

Stone the crows! Now the man
is hallucinating royalty!

Dunstable. You're in the presence
of the Empress of Blandings.

Emsworth. That is a PIG!

Ah! My dear fellow!
You fail to see what I see.

Now, look here. I came for a
rational conversation about Linda.

Linda! That's the girl I was talking
about. Go on.

Right. That's it. I'm taking the
animal off your hands. What?

When I leave,
that pig comes with me!

If necessary, in slices!

Ah! Hello, Beach.

WHERE'S RUDDY LINDA?

'Ruddy Linda'?

The Honourable Miss Gilpin, Sir.

Oh, yeah! Isn't she
Pongo Twistleton's bit of squeeze?

I believe the two young
persons are engaged.

But the match does not meet with
the approval of his grace.

Oh, well. No surprise.
Frightful thug. Has he smashed much?

I have removed most breakable items

from his usual routes
about the house, Sir. Good man.

Oh, and, well... Better move that,
rather valuable.

'LINDA!'

LINDA!

Where are you, my dear?

LINDA!

Now about this pottiness
of Emsworth's. It's gone too far.

He wants to put a bundle on his pig
to win the ruddy Derby! What?

He needs to see a loony doctor,
Connie! And fast!

There's only one man for this
sort of crisis...

Alaric. Do you speak figuratively

when you say my brother wishes
to enter his pig for Epsom?

I do not. I think he thinks
because it's a flat race,

the animal stands a chance.

Don't interrupt! Wait there!

Ah! Here is the blighter.

Name's Roderick Glossop.

Is he discreet?
I've never met the man.

I try not to mix with doctors,
bunch of bloater-eaters most of 'em.

But he had the entire Welsh
branch of my family committed,

so he does the job.

Thank you. You.
Get me a dozen eggs.

Certainly, your grace.
How would you like them done?

I don't want eating eggs, you idiot!
I want throwing eggs!

I wish to assault that ruddy
whistling Scotchman!

Very good, Sir.

What are you doing? Good heavens!

I'm hiding from Dunstable!
What are YOU doing?

I was looking for you.
Well, I'm glad you've found me.

D'you know he plans to confiscate
the Empress?

In SLICES?

He says you are going to enter
her for the Derby.

Connie, you appear to forget,
that the Empress is a pig.

It is not her custom to gallop!

Ruddy Dunstable! The man's a LUNATIC!

Beach! I wish to send a telegram!

I say, are you all right?
It's my Pongo.

Oh dear! Has it sustained an injury?

Ah! Beach! What is it
that requires my urgent attention?

A telegram for her ladyship.
Oh! I'll take it!

I'm on my way to touch
her for a few quid.

Hundred of 'em, in fact.

Yes, fortune was a bit outrageous
on the slings and arrows front

at the Pink Pussy.

Ah! Hello, old prune! How's life?

So I gathered.

Sir Roderick Glossop regrets that he
is 'unavoidably detained'.

Oh, that is a shame! Who is, erm...?

Oh! Everyone's heard of Glossop.

Beach?

Sir Roderick is London's premier
nerve specialist, Sir.

Exactly. Loony doctor!

God! What does he want HERE?

It is the Duke's intention that your
father should be committed, Sir.

He persuaded her ladyship
to summon the gentleman.

Wait a bit. Guv'nor? Guv'nor?

You ever had dealings
with Pongo Twistleton?

Is that a firm of solicitors?

I bet Aunt C hasn't either.
Excellent!

The course of true love, just for
once, is going to run tricklingly.

Oh, sadly this telegram failed
to arrive.

But Glossop shall...

Pongo!

Are you all right?
Yes. Yes. Never better.

Though I may be slightly drunk. Why?

I've been drinking. Ah!
Look at my hand.

Steady as a rock!
Yes, but I can see three of them.

Problem is, Freddie, I'm a physical
and moral coward.

Look, Pongs, all you have to do
is pronounce the Guv'nor

fit for human consumption. Eh?

Then he'll square up to Dunstable

and demand blessings of your linkage
to lissom Linda.

Backbone, Pongo. Give it some gas.
Sir Roderick!

Oh, good Lord! It's my aunt.

Dear lady.

Good heavens!
Thank you for coming so promptly.

Promptitude is my middle name.

Actually, it's Ambrose.
Call me Rosie.

Lead me to the nutter. Less gas!

'Nutter'? Oh, technical term.

The Earl of Emsworth.

Is he? Or does he merely BELIEVE
he is?

No, he IS the Earl of Emsworth.

And although undoubtedly
he is eccentric,

I am not at all sure
he's mentally unstable.

You seem awfully young,
Sir Roderick.

Yes! As a child he diagnosed
his little sister

with adenoid fitzo-screamia.

May I be candid?

You are here at the instigation
of the Duke of Dunstable.

He wishes you to examine my brother.

I wish you to examine the duke.

My dear, I am
so concerned about your safety!

I can't be here with you all the
time, y'see, to protect you... Oh!

Ah! McAllister...

Angus...

Edward?

Dunstable? Glossop.
Glossop, Dunstable.

Hello?

We met before?
Weren't at school together?

Never thrashed you, or anything?

Duke, Sir Roderick is about four
hundred years younger than you.

You'd be surprised,
the people I've thrashed.

Don't giggle like a ruddy female!

To indicate something amusing
has been said, laugh like a man!

Mmm-ha!

If it's excessively amusing,
mmm-ha-ha!

Listen, Glossop. Do this right,
and I'll see you rewarded.

Understood? Now, let's collar
Emsworth...

Sir Roderick does not seem
entirely composed.

No, it's a professional strategy.

The patient is lured to
decant his anguished soul.

If there is anything
I should have been told

about this nerve specialist
and wasn't,

I shall drill a small hole
in your skull

and suck out your brains
with a straw.

That's about as much
time as it would take.

God!

God!

Got any eggs on you?

You! Stop that ruddy whistling!

We seek Lord Emsworth.

Ah, hush yir wisht, yer bug babune!

You are begging for an egging!

Lord Emsworth set me here to
guard his pug agin the likes of you.

Pig? Gah! Pottiness incarnate!

When we find Emsworth,
be trenchant in your judgment.

We shall admire you for it.

You would admire a man who was
trenchant with Lord Emsworth?

Immensely!

I should slap him on the back
and dine him at my club.

Back to the house!

Shoo!

What are your first impressions?
All this business about eggs?

Troubling. Very troubling.

I am nowhere NEAR drunk enough
to cope with this!

You're doing swimmingly. Just...
try to stop touching my aunt.

It frightens me.

I have taken measures, Beach, but
I fear for the Empress's safety.

My lord. May I speak frankly?

My dear fellow,
I trust you would never do otherwise.

There is one on the premises,
of whom you must be wary.

Damn right. Ruddy Dunstable!

The instrument of Lord Dunstable.

What, like a trombone?

Lord Emsworth,
you've got to help me!

I really do believe that if
Uncle Alaric says another foul word

about Pongo, I will stick his poker
through his black heart!

Oh, good gracious!

Shh! He's coming. I implore you!
Tell him I'm not here!

Into the loony's lair, come on.
Emsworth, this is Glossop.

Quite possibly thrashed him
at school, one can't be sure,

one thrashed so many.

Why's my niece hiding behind that
stuffed goat?

It's not a goat, it's an alpaca.

And she isn't!

Clarence, are you actually insisting

that Linda is not hiding behind
that creature? I am, Connie!

Furthermore, I have it on good
authority

that there is a secret fraternity of
brass instruments in the house,

working in concert for our excretion.
What?

When I say 'concert', I don't...
What are you drivelling about?

'Excretion' isn't quite right either,
but you entirely take my point.

It's a CONSPIRACY, Connie!

Glossop. This is the time
to be robust.

Commit this loony and I shall
see you properly rewarded.

It is clear to me, Duke,

that the patient suffers from

a sublunary medulla...
oblongata diathesis.

Wha...? A whole pile of it.

So, it's off to the funny farm?

I would be delinquent not to send him
thither. Bingo!

Glossop? You twerp! I call that
a highly caddish diagnosis!

No, no, I can explain...

What is 'Glossop'?

Emsworth? You'll be much
happier in the long run.

Now why don't you go and have a
pleasant lie-down?

I don't want a 'pleasant lie-down'.

I am going to my room!

To stand up!

Unpleasantly!

HA!

Oh, Alaric, what have I done?

Ha!

Emsworth will soon be settled
in the Giggle Factory,

with a rug over his lap
and a plate of pap.

I'll hang around Blandings,
make sure you don't

make a female farce
of running the dump.

And if that penniless sewer Pongo
Twistleton comes sniffin' round

Linda, I shall drag his pancreas out
through his hat.

Mmmm-ha-ha!

What I said was excessively amusing.

I said I wanted eggs!

Oh, Beach.

Indeed, your ladyship.

Perhaps Sir Roderick's professional
attentions could be...

..redirected?

Pongo?

Twistleton!
You ruddy viper in the bosom!

I did not bring you here to get
the Guv'nor trussed

and shipped to a loony bin! Will you
stop kissing, while I'm chastising you?

I'm terribly sorry, Freddie.
But it was suddenly clear to me

that oiling up to Dunstable
was the way forward.

Freddie, please! Pongo is a lamb!

Whatever he did, he did for love
of me, which is awfully romantic!

Well, I'm shocked, Pongo. Shocked.

Beach? Come out
and look at me being shocked.

Forgive me, I was taking a stroll,
and could not help overhearing...

Yes, yes, yes. What are we to do?

In the first instance, are you
familiar with the popular melody,

'The Bonny, Bonny Banks
of Loch Lomond'?

What? D'you want me to sing it?

No, Sir.
I should like you to whistle it.

You know how to whistle, Sir,
don't you? Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course.

You blow and then you put your lips
together.

Other way round, Sir. Ah!

Beach,

why have I gone to bed?
Is it bedtime?

Shortly, my lord.

I just came to warn you, there
may be some small commotion

outside your window within the hour.

Are the local people
advancing on the castle

with lighted torches and garden
forks? No, my lord.

Torches lighted, not the forks.
No, my lord. Oh, good.

Good night, Beach. No need to lock
the door, though?

Certainly not, my lord.

I cannot imagine how it came to be
locked in the first place.

I'm coming...

I hear you...

Come!

What the hell do you want?

Ah. Finally!

ARGHHHHH!

Will that be all, your grace?

Watch where you're going,
you stupid bloody woman!

Ruddy hellfire!

Ah, crumpets!

Oh, I say! Now look here, Dunstable!

I thrashed you and you blubbed!
Alaric!

YOU! You're the ruddy vermin
who needs a damn good egging!

What on earth is going on? Oh!

Pongo! Do something!

Dunstable! DESIST!

It is abundantly clear,
Dunstable,

that it is NOT Lord Emsworth
who is cuckoo.

It is you!

Before witnesses, you have assaulted
the love of my life.

Eh? Er, Miss Gilpin...

I thought you said 'the love...'

We pay no heed, Dunstable,
to what you think I might have said.

Escort the duke to his room
and lock him in.

In the morning, I shall telephone
the Master of Lunacy.

Miss Gilpin, come.

Connie? You've..
got a bit of something on your...

No.

Leave it!

- Where is Sir Roderick?
- Who?

Oh! He hasn't come down yet.

And where is Linda?

She hasn't come down either.

Mr Frederick? The duke wishes to
see you, Sir. In his room.

Right. Erm... Beach?

I have, Sir, removed all the obvious
weaponry. Ah!

Oh my! Duke? Put the slipper on the
floor and step away from it!

I need you, damn it!

Listen to me. There appears to have
been some fatuous misunderstanding!

I need you to make this clear
to Glossop. Eh?

It is completely impossible for me
to help you in any way.

I'll give you five hundred pounds,
damn and blast you!

And yet I can but try.

Sir Roderick! Whatever is this?

You're an impostor!

Lady Constance, I am.

But, above all,
I am a physical coward...

Just ask yourself this, Aunt C.

Is it really in your interest
to expose him?

Let me explain the situation
as clearly as I can...

Pretty day.

Very pretty. Thought I might as well
walk from the station.

How wise you are.

My name's Glossop.
I'm afraid I'm a little late.

I'm sure it doesn't matter.
Whom have you come to visit?

The Earl of Emsworth.

My dear fellow,
I'm the Earl of Emsworth!

I don't consider you to be late
at all!

Come into the house
and refresh yourself.

You seem well, Lord Emsworth.

Fit as a flea,
Sir Roderick, how are you?

I confess to being perplexed...
I regret to hear that.

I don't understand why I was
so urgently summoned.

Happens to me all the time. I call it
having a sister.

Let's have a cup of tea. Come on!

Sometimes, at this time of day,
there's crumpets.

You are a rich man now, Pongo.

Oh, my darling!

Buzz me up to the Ritz
and dance me stupid!

Oh, Pongo, Pongo,
how I love you!

I say, Aunt C, how are you fixed?

Few quid to keep
the wolf from the door? No.

EGGS! BRING ME EGGS!

THREEPWOOD!

Ah! Ow!

Did you say you were summoned,
Sir Roderick? By whom?

The Duke of Dunstable. Oh.

Is the duke disposed to behaviour
that is not entirely rational?

He lays about the place with a poker
on a regular basis, if that...

Oh, here he comes now.

ARGHHHHH!

If I were you, Sir Roderick,
I'd be inclined to take cover.

Not at all. I'm intrigued.

Oh dear!

Duke, I am Sir Roderick Glossop.

Can you give me one reason
not to issue you

with a Certificate of Lunacy,

despatching you to join
the Welsh portion

of your family
confined at Merthyr Tydfil?

Is there ANY demonstration

of basic sanity you are prepared
to make?

You could let your ward, Miss Gilpin,
marry the man she loves.

Who is that, by the way?

That one. The pretty one.
I mean, surely, Dunstable.

Why obstruct the course of true love?
That WOULD be madness!

It will come as no
outstanding surprise

to learn that
I am going to my room.

If you speak, Clarence,

I will introduce eggs
into your person in a manner

you may mistakenly believe
to be medically impossible!

Between you and me, I don't think
Alaric's entirely right in the head.

Poor fellow.

Have a potato.

Can you whistle?

I have this particular melody lodged
in my head...

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