Blandings (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Company for Gertrude - full transcript

Freddie comes to Blandings with Paquita, a Portuguese night club dancer who speaks no English but whom he has married. Wrongly believing her to be a princess the snobbish Connie is impressed. She is less enamoured of the fact that her niece Gertrude wants to marry Beefy Bingham, a clumsy,penniless vicar, when Connie has set her sights on a wealthy husband for the girl. So Freddie passes him off as Beefy Popjoy,a rich suitor though Beefy's maladroitness lands Clarence in plaster. Since this gets him out of taking Gertrude to a dance however Clarence is not ungrateful and blesses the union. Paquita on the other hand turns out to be an impostor and a thief and definitely not a Portuguese princess.

Now Clarence, I know it
hurts your brain,

but it is essential
that you concentrate.

What are you going to do about this?

Scarify in the autumn and spread
liberally with top-quality muck.

I speak of Gertrude.

Oh. Isn't that the wretched girl
forever rearranging my books?

She must be kept occupied.
To get her away from Bingham.

Is Bingham a particularly
dreary place?

Rupert Bingham is the man
she wishes to marry. The priest.

Oh, jolly good.

No, I mean dreadful, awful person,
out of the question.

Connie, I've got no idea
who these people are.

Gertrude is your niece.

Another one! Good heavens.

Bingham is a pauper.

What do you expect me to do?

I expect you to dance, Clarence.

The girl needs taking
out of herself.

Sir Gregory is giving a summer ball,
next Saturday.

You shall dance with Gertrude,
just once

then pass her to some
eligible gentlemen.

You may close your mouth now,
Clarence. Young girls love to dance.

I am not a young girl, Connie.

Oh, perpetually
thinking of yourself.

Now, Herr Schnellhund
is calling shortly.

Your dancing master.

I don't suppose you have them
in Portugal, but this is a castle.

It was built by Norman
the Conqueror.

The bloke who married Elizabeth,
the Queen Virgin.

All a bit pointless, this, you don't
understand a word I'm saying.

Hah! I usually hit that tree.

That's the spirit!

Beach, please.

Isn't there enough sadness in the world
without you cleawing your thwoat at people?

Her ladyship wishes to see you,
Miss Gertrude.

Well, I do not wish to see my aunt.

It is because of her I suffer
the tewwible torments of Pwometheus.

Very well, Miss.

Guv'nor! How the hell are you?

Riven with anxiety, Frederick.
Can we conclude this quickly?

How much do you need?

Dear old ghoul,
I haven't come to sponge.

I wanted you to meet Miss Paquita

From Portugal.

She doesn't speak a word of English.

How refreshing.

I met her at the Pink Pussy Club.

She was dancing in a little dress
entirely composed of bananas.

Good heavens.
Exactly what I said.

Miss Paquita?

Manganara. Actually, Guv'nor,
that's a bit of a moot point.

Technically, you're fondling the paw

of The Honourable Mrs Paquita


I seem to have married her.

Inadvertently. Yes.

I think at some stage you should
probably release her hand.

I thought I'd better pole on down with the
child bride and explain her to the family.

Frederick. The one thing you must
absolutely not do is explain

Miss Hangbanana to anyone,
particularly your aunt.


The telephone, my lord,
for Mr Threepwood.

It's a Mr Beefy for you, sir.

Speaking. What?

How did you manage
to break a bath?

No, no. I'm on my way.

Friend of mine just landed
up at The Goat and Feathers.

He's in a jam. Shan't be a tick.

Keep my Portuguese wife amused,
will you?


Portuguese friend.

Lord, help us now, thy servant.

Thank you.

Er, landlord? I trust that covers
the damage to the bath? Thank you.

All I did was sit in the thing,
I didn't chuck it about.

Was that entirely proper, Beefy?

Calling on the Almighty to help you
twist some bloke's arm off?

Look at you, you need a nurse.

It's not a nurse I need.
It's Gertrude.

Your Aunt Constance has
forbidden our marriage.

My aunt is famous for derailing
the locomotive of young love.

But I love her, Freddie.
I love her! Gertrude, not your aunt.

So, Gertrude's banged up till she
gets over you, because you won't do.

And you're here in order
to be close to her.

That's the full extent of the plan,
is it? Yes?

Ah, have you ever met Aunt Connie?

No! How about the Guv'nor?

No! You see? Already
we're on top of the sitch.


What you need to do, old wound,
is bring the Guv'nor gaiety.

Be attentive, courteous.

He shall gather you unto his bosom,

and my aunt shall not dare
stand in his way.

Allow me to prepare the ground,
nothing can go wrong.

Ah. What's gone wrong?

I don't appear to have any brakes.
Not to worry.

I have a spare set.


Gloves, for erm... foxes.

Very small ones. Guv'nor!

Oh, thank God for that.

Sorry about that. Hello, angel!
Did you miss me savagely?

Now Guv'nor, listen,
I must bend your ear about Beefers.

What is Beefers? Friend of mine.

Miserable as hell cos
he is denied the girl he loves,

and all that sort of rot.
Can he come and stay for a bit?

Very well, Frederick. This fellow's
name, Beefy, what did you say?

Popjoy. Popjoy?

Absolutely. Beefy Popjoy.

He'll be company for Gertrude,
perk her up a bit.

Beefy Fopjoy! Dancing.

Portuguese persons.

Skirts of ruddy bananas.

I have been making impwovements
to the distwibution of your books.

Now look here, my dear.

If you've hidden my Whiffle,
I shall not be answerable.

Care Of The Pig is where you
dwopped it. In your study.


Do you know why I do this?
Weawwange things?

It is called displacement activity.

Is it? I do it to stop myself
lacewating my flesh

and feeding my own bwoken body
to your wetched pig.

Your tie is cwooked, Uncle Clawence.

I like it cwooked.

It must be glowious
to be as old as you.

Such a short step to the silent
wapture of the gwave.

What do you mean "a short step,"
my dear?

My own dear father lived to be
nearly 90...

Don't. Don't. You make it sound
so despewate and dweadful.

Her ladyship invites you, my lord,
to meet a German person.

This is Herr Schnellhund.

You know how I feel about fellows
with tufty little beards, Connie,

they give me the heebie-jeebies.
Don't be absurd.

I can't trust him.
He could be anybody.

All yours, Herr Schnellhund.

Oh, no... Ah, ah...

Dancing master, eh?

I am so, Lord Emsvurt.

Before zis, I vurked in ein

And so I understand precisely how ze
portions of ze body... connect.

And so I demonstrate.

No, no... no, no, no, no, no.

Ein zwei drei, zwei zwei drei,

drei zwei drei. Lead the lady.


Mark me, Beefy, the wheeze is afoot.

It is established that
your name is Popjoy.

Popjoy? You're a very rich man,
but your money's all tied up abroad.

Brazil. Where the nuts come from.


Must dash. Supposed to be
showing my wife round the old dump.

Friend. My friend.

Popjoy. Yeah.

There's a Mr Popjoy here,
your Lordship.

Popjoy. You expecting
any sort of Popjoy, Gertrude?

I expect nothing but an eternity
of gwinding, gwisly torment.

Must be for me then.
All right, wheel him in, Beach.

My dear, I beg you to be a little
less funereal for Mr...

You must be Gertrude Armstrong.

Oh, I must.

My name is Popjoy. You see?

Oh, yes.

Lord Emsworth.

No, no, sir, please don't get up.
Let me come to you.

How do you do?

He's called Fang,
after one of my aunts.

Family joke.



What do I say when I finally
run into Aunt Constance?

I'm here with a girl
who shimmies round the Pussy

in a girdle of soft fruit.
My aunt will be nonplussed.

If she finds out
I've married the girl,

and that's what I've done, her non
will be plussed off the scale.

Things here are not as they seem.

What do I say?

Do you intend to conduct your entire
married life in secret?

That's a plan. Thank you, Beach.

Eh? This bruiser
with the great warty conk?

He's the second earl.

Hilariously, this is the picture
that's actually worth something.

Oh, good God.

I mean, hello, Aunt!

Allow me to present
Paquita Manganara. She is my friend.

Paquita Escevillege Jerecazavege
Manganara, Princesa.


That is how the pluperfect is formed
in the Aramaic of St Luke.

How incwedibly amusing.

I don't know that because I'm
a priest. Because I'm not.

I like your guest.

Poppers is a scream when he gets
going on the old pluperfect.

Not Mr Popjoy. Popjoy is an idiot.

I mean the Princess.

Oh, her. Oh, good. That's... useful.

I didn't know she was a princess?

Oh, God. Pay her more attention,

The Manganaras, I believe,
are a very old family.

Oh. She seems rather young.

Oh, God.

Oh, good Heavens!
Lord Emsworth, I am so...

Oh, it doesn't matter!
Does it, Uncle Clawence?

Just a silly decanter.
It was tewwibly old.


Do go on, Mr Popjoy.

I don't know what was I saying?

Mr Popjoy. Your business concerns
are in Brazil, I gather.

Where the nuts come from.

What language do you speak
over there, for business?

Not Portuguese.


How convenient! We can now converse
with Miss Manganara.

Oh, yes. So let us establish what
it is she requires from Beach.

What is occurring now?

Mr Popjoy is about to speak
Portuguese. Good Lord.

As long as he doesn't stink up
the air with German

like that dismal creature




Moy copinas al fresco bladdaronica
la bamba-bamba

de tinklebotski vavavoom.

At home she has 20 chefs.

None could cook a chop like this.

Bravo! Porcaria total!
Very kind.

See that she has everything
she needs, Freddie,

The Princesa is so agreeable.


Mr Popjoy seems to exert a pleasing
fascination over...

Do you think he might...
care to accompany her to the ball?

You cannot escape dancing
by means of Popjoy.

He has all the natural
grace of a hippopotamus.

The Princesa, however,

has the hauteur of the continental

Extraordinary that she consents
to be a friend of Freddie's.

As long as he doesn't make
a lunge at her...

Beach, you're hovering.

I do apologise, your ladyship.

It is merely that we seem to be
missing a number of spoons.

Shake down the tufty German,
that's my advice.

Be surprised what falls
out his pockets.

Sir, are you indisposed?

Whoops! Sorry!

Brazil must be so dull
without you, Mr Popjoy.

Psst! Where's Beefy?

Isn't he a bunny wabbit?

I wish your father and Aunt Connie
thought he was a bunny wabbit.

He's doing the right thing,
and he's just got to do more of it.

I mustn't be seen talking like this.
My wife wouldn't like it.

My Friend. Friend.

Ein, zwei, drei...

♪ When I take my sugar to tea

♪ All the boys are jealous of me

♪ Cos I never take them... ♪

What are you doing?

Lord Emsworth. I am concerned
that you are foaming at the mouth.

I'm cleaning my teeth.

Well, allow me to be of assistance
with that.

Evening my boy. As you were.

I hope you have a peaceful night.

I have scissors, Freddie.

♪ Because I never take them
where the gang goes

♪ When I take my sugar to tea. ♪

Do carry on! I'm off
to consult the Empress.

Wupert. My uncle is dewanged.
You must hasten to his wescue.

The worst thing is I have to dance
in ruddy German!

Ein, zwei, drei, zwei, zwei, drei.

Lord Emsworth! Allow me.
My dear fellow, I entreat you...

Lord Emsworth?
Keep your distance, sir!

My ankle, get off me!

I'm so sorry, sir,
was that your eye?

Ah. There you are.

Look, I rather wanted Beefy
to translate this for me.

But I was wondering,
as we are, as it were...


should I perhaps be slipping in
for a bit?

You know...


Vetinary Sprain Elixir.
Does wonders for the Empress.

My ruddy foot's on fire!

"Should the preparation
come into contact with the skin,

"douse at once with plenty of water."

All right..

Your eyes are like golden planets
glimpsed in the canopy of heaven.

I think that's uncle Clawence.

Good gwief. Wun, Wupert.

He's dwowning!

Lord Emsworth! I hear you, sir!

I have a bearing on you! The most
important thing is not to panic.

The great mistake of the drowning
man is to panic.

You, no, no!

Yes, I am with you now, sir!
All is well.


Try not to struggle, Lord Emsworth!

You have banged your head
on my instrument.

I'm now going to put
my arm around your chest.

If you resist me, sir,
I must incapacitate you.

Forgive me, sir, but your life
is at risk and I have had training.

There we go. You're safe now, sir.

..Unhand me, sir!


Guv'nor. Yes.

Tricky to explain.
Unusual evening.

Aunt Connie was advising me
to marry my wife. Then it all..

Got rather out of hand.

My evening also was eventful.

Your friend Popjoy is one of the most
appalling young men I ever met.

His name's not Popjoy,
it's Bingham.

The improvement is neglible.

He's the bird whose marriage
to Gertrude you have forbidden.

And he's tried really hard.

All you had to do was slip him
a vicarage with a bit of an income.

Why should he wish to be
slipped a vicarage?

Because he's a parson, obviously.

Mr Beefers is a priest?

Oh, God help us.

Ah, Beach. A review of The Empress.

Straight away, my lord?

If not sooner.

So, will you give Beefy a job?

I will not. I see. Very well.

Will you condescend instead to help
your only son in his hour of need?

You have an elder brother.

You quibble. Come on, Guv'nor.
Do something.

When Aunt C finds out
I've been hitched all along,

and never had a knees-up
to which she could wear a hat,

she'll saw open my cranium
and feast on my brains.

A meagre luncheon it will be. Good
morning to you, sir.


Would you please translate?
Princesa Paquita.

As you are aware, my nephew
is a very charming, literate,

and intensely intelligent young man.

Say it.

Princesa, la goono com pompadiddy

vala distra mwa mwa brainioroony.

He is of noble birth.

E nobbly narto-tarto.

He is eligible.

E ligalabalo.

Ligalabolo? Muito interessante.

Really, how very charming,
very charming. Very charming!

Ach, mein Gott, Komm schon.

Rum business altogether, Guv'nor.

Your only son,
apart from the other one, spurned.

A blameless vicar ruined.

And did you think to cancel
Herr Beardhound's lesson?

No. The poor twerp's standing
in the hall with nothing to do.

He could have a shave.

Alas for Aunt Constance!

She's lost her equilibrium,
her crystal and her...

Frederick, get Beach to bring me
Mr Pingjoy? Beefhat?


Him as well. Bring 'em all!

Hello. Herr Schnellhund!

The 2nd Earl...

Ah, good fellow. I can't survive
much more of your attention.

I'm given to believe you seek
a country living

with a tolerable salary.
Is that correct? Good.

Well, I do happen to have a church,
that needs a parson.

In Hampshire. That is
quite far away, Hampshire, isn't it?

Sufficiently, my lord.

Does that interest you, Mr Bingpox?
Lord Emsworth...

No, my dear fellow Please don't
approach me! I beg of you.

Darling, darling.


Mr Bingham salutes the approach
of Miss Gertrude, my lord.

Ah, right you are.

Call the police!

Oh, Clarence, I have been such
a fool. You were right.

Was I? What about?

That frightful little German
with the preposterous beard.

What, that one?

Yes. That one.

What have you been up to,
you odious little fraud?

I have been smoking ein cigarette
vile I attend Lord Emsvurt.

You liar!
But it is so.

And that nasty little beard?

Is that so? I think not.


Where is the second earl? Is he in
these ridiculous little trousers?

Shall we look?

This is all most unusual.

Your name's not Schnellhund.

Nobody in real life is called
Schnellhund. You're Bingham!

Um, no. I'm Bingham.

As it were.

I am going. I am going...

So that's all sorted then.

I put it to Herr Smelly-Hun
that he wouldn't want it

going about that he's the kind
of man who allows hysterical women

to go yanking his beard, and he very
sportingly settled for 50 quid.

I said you'd send a cheque.

Now. Here's the really funny
thing about all this, Aunt Connie.

You've been banging on at me
to marry the Princesa -

look, here she is,

and guess what? I already have!

Ha! How's that for a Chinaman
on a springy wicket?

Bingham. Oh, Lord.

Ask the princess if she can confirm
this extraordinary suggestion?

Crancrinkum-crankum agumbo?

..OW! Strewth, mind my bleedin'
foot, you clumsy great lump!

She speaks English rather well.

Crying out loud, you're all mad.

My sweet, you speak of family.

We're not family,
you soft-chinned twit.

You got plastered in the club

and turned up at my flat
with a feather in your...

Yes, I remember that.

And you were all kissy-kissy
and spouting bloomin' poetry at me

and I thought I'd have
a little laugh.

Tell you we was hitched.
Well, ha bloomin' ha.

How do you like your continental
la-di-da now, Mrs Muck?

Save your breath, Bonzo, I'm off.

Oh, nuts.

From Brazil, madam.


In English, you see, it might have
gone something like this.

One, two three, one two three...