Blackadder II (1986): Season 1, Episode 6 - Chains - full transcript

Following a spate of kidnappings, Queen Elizabeth declares that she will no longer pay the perpetrators their ransom demands. Almost immediately, Edmund Blackadder and Lord Melchett are kidnapped by the demented German spy Ludwig, who may have more on his mind than just money. Knowing that the Queen will not pay for their release, Blackadder and Melchett must outwit their half-wit captors in order to escape.

Get out, libidinous swine!

And take that whore slut
painted strumpet with you!

May you both rot
in the filth of your own fornication!

- And what did you say to him?
- Say, Madam? I said nothing.

I pulled up my tights
and jumped out of the privy window.

Edmund, you are so naughty!

Well, I try, Madam.

And then ten minutes later when
I've got my breath back, I try again.

Perhaps we can move on
to more important matters.

- Must we?
- I fear so.

Lord Forest's son has been kidnapped...



...and begs you to pay the ransom.
- Edmund, what would you say?

I have had experience of this dreadful situation.

Last year my aunt asked for my help
in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.

Then you know something
of the dreadful pain involved.

And can suggest no better answer
than the one I gave to her.

- Which was?
- "Get stuffed.”

You would jest over a young man's life?

For young man read young idiot.

Anyone stupid enough
to let some mustachioed dago say:

"Excuse me, Meester”
and hit them over the head...

...deserves everything they get.

- You're in good fooling this morning.
- Thank you, Baldrick.

I heard quite an amusing story
myself the other day.

Oh, good!



— Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes, what is it?

I said: "What is it?",
not hit me on the head with...

I've changed my mind about that Forest bloke.

He is obviously very stupid,
but we can't punish people for that.

If we did, Nursie would
have been in prison all her life.

A very piquant observation, Majesty.

So I will sign this ransom,
but it must be the last.

Absolutely the last! Final. Full stop.

Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.

— Surely not 'hope to die', Majesty?
= All right. I'll cross that out.

Here you are. Sorry about the smudge.

— Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes?

Oh, God! What on earth
was I drinking last night?

My head feels like
there's a Frenchman living in it.

Where am I?

- Who's that?
- It is I, Melchett.

You really ought to get your house cleaned up.

This is no time for jokes, Blackadder.
We've been kidnapped!

How incredibly embarrassing!

As private parts to the gods are we!
They play with us for their sport.

Oh, God. Who's that?

If anyone is going to be spoken to,
it is going to be me.

- Tell him, Melchy.
- Certainly.

That's better.

Now, what's he saying?

He would like a word with you.

- Anything else?
- He would like to torture you as well.

Am I addressing a senior dignitary
of the Spanish Inquisition?

Good. Because if I am,

I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything.

No speako dago.

I demand to see the British ambassador.

For God's sake! How can you question me...

...when you don't speak English?

All right, let's start with the basics.

English is a non-inflected
Indo—European language...

...derived from dialects of...

How's that!

Percy! Who's Queen?

Whoops! Butterfingers!

- So I win again.
- Yes. Well done, Majesty.

There's definitely been no sign of Edmund?

- I fear not, Ma'am.
- Why, then he has vanished.

Like an old oak table.

Vanished, Lord Percy. Not varnished.

Forgive me, my Lady,
but my uncle's old oak table vanished.

'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire.

And on that same terrible night...

...his house and all his other things
completely vanished too.

So did he, in fact.
It was a most perplexing mystery.

Lord Percy? It's up to you.

Either you can shut up,
or you can have your head cut off.

I'lL shut up.

Bastardo!

Barrister.

- Bastardo.
- Embarrassing.

You're embarrassing. I'm embarrassing.

Rogering! Pregnant.

Baby.

Bathwater!

Sounds like... Bastard.

Donkey!

Big bastard. Little bastard.

Boy, man, father. I'm a bastard's son.

Thirsty. Thirsty bastard.

Thirsty barking bastard.

Oh, dog! Right, dog.

Woman.

Woman, dog. Bitch! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!

In that case, you're a fornicating baboon.

- Que?
- Oh dear!

- You...
- Tu?

Fornicating.. Yes. I can't really do it in this box.

- Tus testiculos.
- My... Yes, those...

— Sobre un fuego grande.
- Over a large...

Fire! I got it. So, let's recap.

If I admit that I'm in love...

No!

Sorry! Head—over—heels in love
with Satan and all his little wizards,

...you will remove my testicles
with a blunt instrument...

...resembling some kind of gardening tool,

...and roast them over a large fire.

If I don't admit that I'm in love
with Satan and his little wizard...

...you will hold me upside down
in a vat of warm marmelade.

And remove my testicles with a blunt...

Oh, I see! Well, in that case, I love Satan.

Oh, it's a scythe.

I don't know. |'ve looked everywhere.

Perhaps...

They're not hiding at all!

Perhaps they've been kidnapped!

Nonsense!

Edmund said: "Only real idiots get kidnapped”.

Do they?!

Stop!

Forgive me, Herr Blackadder.

I have been neglecting my duties as a host.

Please accept my appoloaggies.

I accept nothing from a man who
imprisons his guests in a commode.

I hope this scum has not incoweenienced you.

It takes more than a maniac
trying to cut off my goolies.

If he had inconweenienced you,
I was going to offer you his tongue.

Believe me, sir. If he had inconweenienced me,

...you would not have a tongue
to make such an offer.

Let me assure you, Blackadder,
if I no longer had a tongue...

...you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me
that if I had inconweenienced you,

I would no longer have a tongue
with which to offer you his tongue.

Yes, well. Enough of this banter.

Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

- You do not remember me?
- I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

On the contrary. We have met many times.

You knew me by another name.

Do you recall a mysterious black
marketeer and smuggler called Otto...

...with whom you used to
dine and plot and play...

...at the Old Pizzle in Dover? — My God!

I was the waitress!

I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?

"Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?”

But I went to bed with you, didn't 12

For my country,
I am willing to make any sacrifice.

Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!

Indeed you were, Mr Floppy!

- Now, would you mind?
- "Such a disappointment for a girl..."

"It really doesn't matter!
We'll try again in a few minutes.”

We are proud of our comic
serving—wench voice, aren't we?

Just because we can say zur instead of sir.

The tedious little turd
who keeps putting on amusing voices.

- Be quiet!
- What else in your repertoire?

A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.

An hilarious black man:
"Where am dat watty—melon...”

I can't wait for your side—splitting poof...

...and that funny croaky one
who isn't anyone in particular.

I like the one you do all the time.
The fat-headed German chamberpot.

You talk too much, Blackadder.

I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea
that you are having.

I should, perhaps, tell you...

...I have given the Queen a week
to reply to my ransom demand.

Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.

She will pay up. And within a week,
you die. Howwibly, howwibly.

You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.

I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

A week from now you'll be
less in the mood for being amusing.

Well, at least I can be amusing.

Choose your next witticism carefully,
it may be your last.

Guards! Fetch his friend.

Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

Oh no, please!

- We meet again.
- Don't think we've had the pleasure.

- You do not recognise me, then?
- No...

Let me refresh your memory.
In Cornwall, at the monastery.

- The old shepherd.
- Good Lord! Dimkins?

Yes! I was one of his sheep.

- One of his sheep? Not Flossy?
- Yes!

- But didn't we?
- Yes, Lord Melchett.

} 0; Baa!
, my God!

But enough of such pleasant reminiscence, eh?

The guard has found an interesting
document in your clothing.

The Queen will only pay one ransom.

Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again.

Cross my heart and hope to be
spanked until my bottom goes purple.

She has a difficult choice in front of her.

Not really. Bad luck, Melchers.
Life is overrated, I reckon.

Well, gentlemen, if you'll
excuse me, I have work to do.

Evil plots don't
just make themselves, you know.

Dear Qveen.

I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible,
have your two friends,

...and you must shoose between them.

The ransom is one million crona.

Many, many appoloaggies
for the inconweenience.

What a difficult choice!

It isn't the first difficult choice
you've ever made, little tadpole.

In the old days, it was all difficult choices.

Should you have Nursie Milk or Moo Cow Milk?

But then left breasty—dumpling
or right breasty—dumpling?

Of course, it was always
both breasty—dumplings.

Shut up, Nursie!

This is very confusing.

Lord Percy, play a while to calm my spirits.

Certainly, Ma'am.

Patty—cake, patty—cake, baker's man. You're it!

Ring-a-ring o'rosie, all fall down.

What say you, Blackadder,
I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

That depends on whether you want
the slop—bucket over your head.

Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

All right. Make a sentence
out of the following words:

Face, sodding, your, shut.

We must do something to relieve
our minds of the fate that awaits us!

Awaits you, Melchy. Not me.
How's my beard looking?

Alas! Shall I never see England more?

Her rolling fields? Her swooping swallows...

And her playful sheep.

- About time.
— Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.

Well, thank God! I'm sick
of this place. It's like a prison in here.

I shall read it to you.

Typical master criminal.
Loves the sound of his own voice.

After careful deliberation
the Queen has decided...

...to extend the ransom money on...

...a big party.

Just impossible
to decide between my two faves.

I've decided to keep the cash,
have a whizzy-jolly time...

...and try to forget both of you.

Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!

What?!

"Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!”

As you can imagine,
this makes me very unhappy.

Oh, I am sorry!

But if you gentlemen were to tell me
a way to gain access to your Queen,

...might just be able to commute
your death to a life sentence.

— Are you suggesting we betray her?
- Oh yes.

All right.

Blackadder! What are you saying?
What of loyalty? Honour?

- What of them?
- Nothing.

- So you will both play ball?
- Yep.

Oh, what joy!

See how you collapse before me,
great and incorruptible English nobs.

So proud of your great big stiff upper lips?

Gloating is a sign of insecurity.

Do you want to know how to get the Queen?

I thought some kind of disguise.
I do a good Mary Queen of Scots.

Hoots, mon. Whar's me heid?

- What sort of party should it be?
- A fancy dress. I love fancy dress.

- Nursie?
- I think it should be one of those...

...where everybody comes with nothing on at all.

Shut up, then!

I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.

If we're to forget our woes, then we
should have as much fun as possible.

What's more fun than people dressed
as frogs and rabbits and nuns?

- And bits of wood.
- You're not going as a bit of wood.

- Aren't 1?
- No!

How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil?

You always talk like this
and always end up as the same thing.

- Do I?
- Yes, you know you do.

Lassie, what does Nursie come
to fancy dress parties dressed as?

- I thought everybody knew.
- Everybody, except Nursie. Tell her.

She always comes as a cow.

Yes, that's right!
A lovely cow with great lovely udders.

I swiggle around going "moo”.

"Come to Nursie Cow,
you lovely little heifers!” What fun!

- I want to be a cow again, please?
- Shut up!

- Isn't Nursie stupid?
- She certainly is, Ma'am.

You see? We're having a good time already!

We've completely forgotten
about those chaps in prison.

What chaps?

Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

My friends, I come to bid you farewell.

The guards will die of old age, but
their sons will attend to your needs.

Thanks for your concern, we intend to escape.

With your information, I intend to
bring down your Queen and country.

The Master of Disguise will become
the Master of the World.

- One thing, Ludwig, before you go...
- What?

- Were you ever bullied at school?
- What do you mean?

This ranting and raving about power,
there must be some reason for it.

At my school having dirty hair
and spots was a sign of maturity!

I bet your mother made you
wear shorts right up to your final year.

Shut up!

When I am King of England, no-one
will call me Shorty—Greasy—Spot!

Touched a nerve there, I think.

What good is it going to do us
if we're doomed to die here?

Don't worry, I have a plan.

With Ludwig gone, we won't have
trouble overcoming the guards.

Germans are sticklers for efficiency,
I've been watching their routine.

I've selected the moment
when they're most vulnerable.

- That is when we will attack them.
- How?

That is the most cunning bit...

Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

This is it. Don't forget,
when they're at their most vulnerable.

Halt! Jingle the keys!

Open the door!

Greeting to the prisoners!

Guten Abend, Englander-scum.
March to the table!

Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

Halt! Food on the table: ein, zwei!

Spit on the food: ein, zwei!

Insulting further gestures
to the prisoners: ein, zwei!

Now!

Trust me to get the hard one!

Off with their heads!

Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!

Bally well hope not,
or else I won't be Queen anymore!

Yours is pretty good, too. What is it?

It's nothing, Ma'am.
Just a mere trifle I threw together.

Doesn't look like a trifle.
Looks more like a fruit salad.

I see Nursie's really excelled herself.

Yes, she has. I'm not sure about this, though.

- What are you meant to be?
- A pencil case.

Yes!

Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.

We had tea and cakes and venison.

Then a trip with a couple
of little friends to the executions.

If I wanted my little friends executed, that is.

How I do wish Edmund could be here.

He always loved parties,

...and always, always wore very, very tight tights.

Edmund who?

Edmund Blackadder!

— Oh, Edmund. But...
- Have I ever missed a party?

- But what about Lord Melchett?
- Yes, unfortunately, he made it too.

Joy beyond measure! Bliss
which cannot be counted on fingers.

Baa!

- Sorry, Edmund?
- Nothing.

Yes, unfortunately, apart from
my nose getting a little prettier,

...nothing much has changed around here.

Your animal still isn't house—-trained,
Percy's still unemployed,

...and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.

— Moo!
— Thank you for reminding me.

Nursie! You've killed Nursie!

That's horrid.

Guards! Take him away and execute him!

Can anyone help me with my udders?

- Nursie?
- Yes.

May I introduce you to our captor,
Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!

Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.

No, I don't think so, actually.

Remember when you were young...

...your father used to take you riding
on a magnificent grey pony...

...that you used to
kiss and fondle in the stable yard.

I was the tall and attractive
German stable—lad who held him.

- No!
- Yes!

Shorty— Greasy—Spot—Spot?

You will regret the day
that you mocked my complexion!

I shall return and vreak my rewenghee!

No, you will die and be buried.

Hurray!

Strange man.

But how did you know it was him?

This was the information
with which we bought our lives.

We said: If the Queen's having a party,
Nursie always goes as a cow.

All we had to do was escape,
return and kill the cow.

How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

Because Ludwig was a master of disguise.

Nursie is a sad, insane old woman
with an udder fixation.

All we had to do was kill the one
that looked like the cow.

That was Ludwig's mistake.
His disguise was too good!

Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.

— I must say it's good to be back.
- Welcome, Edmund.

- Did you miss me?
- I certainly did.

Many was the time I said to myself:
"I wish Percy was here...”

"..Being tortured instead of me.”

- We have missed your wit!
- Did you miss me, my lord?

Baldrick, is it?

No, not really.

And me. Did you miss me, Edmund?

Madam, life without you was like...

...a broken pencil.

- Explain?
- Pointless.

# Beware all ye who lust for fame
The path of life is most uncertain

# Prince Ludwig thought he'd won
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton

# Blackadder! Blackadder!
He beats the Hun by luck

# Blackadder! Blackadder!
He's smarter than a duck

# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
Intelligent and deep

# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
A shame about the sheep

Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy!

If I can just get the voice right.