Black Scorpion (2001): Season 1, Episode 17 - He Who Laughs Last - full transcript
- Attention all units!
The mayor's stretch
limousine has been stolen.
It was last seen headed
south on angel boulevard.
Proceed with extreme caution!
It's the mayor's favorite limo.
- You picked the wrong
car for a joy ride.
Activate auto-transform.
Ugh!
- You like to play golf, huh?
Well, I been workin' on my chip shot.
Computer, engage missile launch.
Fore!
A hole in one!
Oh, my god!
What are you laughing at?
- Looks like I made a dummy
out of the black scorpion.
- Fire!
- In the light of day,
Darcy Walker is a cop,
but in the dark of night,
she becomes black scorpion.
Doing with a mask what she
can't do with a badge.
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, has everyone here heard
of the gangster prankster?
You know, the super villain
who giggles like a girl?
Well, there's a reason
he's got that stupid grin
plastered on his face.
He is stupid.
- How stupid is he?
- He is so stupid,
he actually turned himself
in to get the reward money.
- But really, I shouldn't attack
the gangster prankster's intelligence.
He's funny, but looks
aren't everything.
- Oh, he thinks he's real funny,
but I'll have the last laugh
when I break outta here!
- How we gonna bust out?
- The same way we did
before, with aftershock.
Who broke wind?
Ugh!
- Damn!
- Are you the gangster prankster?
- Who the hell are you?
- It ain't mommy.
- I'm your ticket outta here.
- But aftershock's dead!
- She may be dead, but
I know someone living
that can get us outta here!
- You know, the gangster prankster
is so ugly.
- How ugly is he?
- He's so ugly...
- That gangster prankster fool
is sure gettin' what he deserves.
- Look, nobody deserves to be publicly
humiliated like that, nobody.
- He's gotta pay his debt to society.
- And he's doin' that by
livin' his life behind bars.
- Okay, defend him, all you cons
stick together, anyway.
- That con happens to be my brother.
- Don't remind me.
- Why does an intelligent thought
always die such a quick death
in the brain of the gangster prankster?
It can't stand solitary confinement.
- I hate to break up your yuk fest,
but I just got an anonymous tip
on the location of the mayor's limo.
- Lemme see that.
- Whoa, hey!
- Take Rafferty and check it out.
- Look, I'm telling you, argyle
would never steal the mayor's limo.
- Oh, come on, darce.
It certainly fits within
his criminal history.
- That's ancient history.
This has gotta be some kinda joke.
- Please, you wouldn't know a joke
if it bit you in your funny bone.
- Really?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, there he is.
- All right, look, he's my friend.
Just let me do the talkin', huh?
- Mmm, lookin' so good and so fine,
and you know I had too much wine.
- I know you did.
- I'm gonna make a little love tonight.
- Oh, yes, baby!
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
Hey, blue!
What brings you by the
old garage tonight?
- Argyle, we'll ask the questions.
- Please...
Where were you tonight?
- Me and my baby just had a
romantic candlelight dinner.
- Yeah, we had a little
argument earlier,
and argyle was apologizing.
- I was apologizing?
You were apologizing.
- Argyle, you're a
suspect in a robbery...
- If you don't mind,
we just need to take a
look in your garage.
- Blue, is this a joke?
I mean, 'cause it's not funny.
- I wish it were.
- Okay, okay, I hope you
weren't planning a surprise
party 'cause it's not my birthday.
They made a big mistake,
blue, 'cause I...
- Well, well, well, surprise!
- Argyle!
- How could you?
- But baby, I didn't!
- Yeah, right, that's
what they all say.
Listen, you're comin' downtown with us.
- Hey, man, you got the wrong guy!
- I got the wrong guy!
- All right, let's go, come on!
Turn around, put your
hands behind your back.
- No, no, no, look, Steve!
I'll cuff him, all right?
Turn around. - Blue!
- I didn't wanna have to do this.
- Then don't.
- Argyle!
- Hello, Luther.
- Ah, now what's a nice guy like you
doin' in a place like this?
- I was framed.
- You don't say!
Wha, I was, too!
Grimace, heckler, were you framed?
- I was.
- Yeah, me, too!
And my mother framed my mugshot.
- But don't worry, I
won't be here for long.
My friends are gonna get me out.
- What friends?
What, you mean that cop chick?
Argyle, if I told you once,
I told you a million times,
you can't trust cops!
If your friends are cops,
you can't trust your friends.
And if you can't trust your friends,
who can you trust?
- My girl, tender lovin',
she'll bail me out.
- Oooooh, how do you know?
- Because she never lets
me finish a sentence.
- Leave the jokes to me, bro.
And your girl to Mr. moneybags.
- What are you talking about, Luther?
- Word on the street is
she's got herself a sugar daddy.
- But I give her everything she needs!
- Except money!
- Well, money and hair
aren't everything.
- They are when you don't have 'em!
- All I know is, my girl is happy.
- Want to know who else
is makin' her happy?
- What, are you hooking
us up for cable?
- Why don't you turn on the
TV and find out, brother?
- Don't mind if I do.
Step back.
Oh!
- Where do you think you're going?
- To get a midnight snack?
- Yeah, and we want it to go!
- Ugh!
- Ah!
Sorry, boss!
- Let's take a field trip, felons!
- How we gonna get over
all that barbed wire?
- Don't worry, and back up!
- Go, go, go, go!
Go!
- Man, it's good to have you
back in the old gang, man!
- Hey, man, I'm not in a gang, man.
Keep your eyes on the road! - Ooh!
- I'm not in a gang anymore, Luther.
I'm just going home to see my baby.
- What makes you think she's at home?
- Don't start that again.
She's at home, all right.
My baby is a home lovin' girl.
- Yeah, home lovin' on another man!
Woo, hoo, hoo! - It's not funny.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
- Wait!
Who's that?
- She already got somebody new!
- Well, you know what they say.
Absence makes the heart go wander!
- Oh, baby, baby, you're so sweet.
That's because
I'm your sugar daddy.
- What am I gonna do now?
- Well, you could join the gang and
follow in your brother's fingerprints.
Remember the fun we had, bro?
- What I do remember is what
happened the first time.
- Give it up, prankster!
- You crazy?
I always play to sudden death!
- That's the way you want it.
Fire!
- Yeah, but now I've got you
lookin' out for me, bro.
- We better get rich this time.
- Welcome back, bro!
- All right.
- Listen, I don't really care if
argyle stole the car or not.
I just want to bail him out so that
I can give him my own brand of justice.
- I'm workin' on it.
- So, I was so nuts about this girl
that lived next door to me... - What?
- Would you please let me finish?
- Oh, I'm sorry, is this another one
of your hilarious jokes?
Well?
- You're not gonna have
to bail out argyle.
He just broke out of jail with the
gangster prankster and his gang.
- What are you talking about?
- They were last seen headed
south in an ice cream truck.
- Well, I guess the joke's
on you, huh, darce?
- Giggles!
After being in prison so long,
the only woman in the world that can
give me what I need.
- What's that, pranky?
- A good laugh!
Start tickling, baby!
Oh, argyle, you gotta try this, baby!
This is so fun!
- I'm here for business,
not pleasure, Luther.
- Hey, pleasure is my business, fool!
I'm a clown, remember?
I make people laugh!
- How we gonna get
rich off of laughter?
- By taking it hostage and
demanding a king's ransom!
- How we gonna do that, pranky?
- Yeah, Luther, how we gonna do that?
- Hey, the newest member of our gang
is gonna invent a
high-tech, super-sonic,
one-of-a-kind thingamajig!
- It's not as easy as
you make it sound.
- The only sound I want
to hear is silence!
Now, from now on, if anybody
laughs, they go bye-bye!
- Look, Luther, I'm not
gonna kill anyone.
- Hey, you want your girl back or not?
- Yeah, but I'm not a murderer!
- Details, details.
You just make sure that if
anybody in this city laughs,
they pay the price!
- I suppose I could do that,
but only if you promise
me, no one gets hurt.
- Hey, I promise!
Good lookin' out, bro!
- This area's restricted, turn around.
- Turn around?
- You some kinda nut?
- Sorry, we're outta nuts!
How 'bout some whipped cream? - Huh?
- Ugh, crazy!
- How 'bout a cherry on top?
- Ugh!
Oof!
- Here comes the cavalry!
- Roll out the barrels!
Fire the tutti frutti!
- Attention, all units!
Respond to fort angel military base
for emergency reinforcement!
We have reports of
automatic weapons fire
and intense cackling.
- Gangster pranskter!
- Copy that, this is unit
two-niner-six-two responding.
I'm requesting the first
available backup.
- Activate auto-transform.
- Why is this taking so long?
It would go a lot faster
if those fools would keep it down.
- Coffee, tea, or me?
- You!
- Black scorpion!
- Uh-oh!
- Heard any good ones lately?
- Why did the black
scorpion cross the road?
- You tell me.
- I don't know, she never
made it to the other side!
- Get 'em, blue, get 'em!
Ugh!
Ugh!
- You guys need to
work on your delivery.
What are you giggling about?
- I don't know, it's
just something I do.
- Here's something I do.
Ah!
Ugh!
Argyle?
So it's true, you really
did join the gang again.
- I didn't have a choice, blue.
- What, did the gangster
prankster force you?
- No, you did, you and tender lovin'.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about her sugar daddy!
- No, this has gotta
be some kinda mistake.
Look, you can't just
throw your life away
over a misunderstanding.
I won't stand for it!
Ugh!
Nice distraction, argyle!
Take off her mask, pranky!
- Yeah!
- No, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second!
Look, takin' off her mask,
it won't make us any richer.
Besides, I already got
the computer chip!
- Hmm, you're so practical, argyle.
- Thank you.
- Well, so am I!
A practical joker!
Off with her mask!
- Hey, it's the cops!
- Let's blow this popsicle stand!
- All right, all right,
let's go, come on!
Roll over, kiss some concrete!
Hands behind the neck,
and no funny business!
- I'm not the gangster prankster.
- A criminal's a criminal.
- And I thought we had
something special.
- Oh, we do, sweetheart.
I'll send you flowers in prison.
- And I'll send 'em to you
while you're in the hospital.
Ah! - Ugh!
- Attention, all units!
Black scorpion-mobile heading
north on paradise parkway.
- Computer, activate thermal imaging.
Locate all moving ice cream trucks
within a 20-block radius.
- Looks like we got a tough customer!
- She's gonna be hard to satisfy!
- I wonder what flavor she likes?
- Give her some rocky road!
- Ice cream's too fattening.
- She doesn't like ice cream!
- Then I'll give her a shake!
- You drive like a clown!
- What do we do now, pranky?
- Give her a taste of hot fudge!
- Yeah!
- Another satisfied customer!
- After stealing top-secret
military electronics,
the gangster prankster
and his gang of fools
have hijacked the helium shipments,
stolen a police lie detector,
and sawed the giant ear off
the heavenly burger cupid.
This recent crime spree
has authorities baffled.
- What are you up to, argyle?
- Ladies and gentlemen, I
present to you the bust-a-gut!
- Yay!
- What?
How's this hunk o' junk gonna
stop people from laughing?
- Basically, the lie detector
is a laugh detector.
- Hmm, this sounds too good to be true.
But how does it stop laughter?
- It works like the arrow
cannon black scorpion
used to stop you from killing everyone
at the cop carnival with
your deadly laughing gas.
Yo, computer, activate arrow cannon.
The human ear replica
sucks in vibrations
created by the offending laughter.
Helium atoms are then transported
over an ultra-microwave frequency,
bonding with victims' molecules,
inducing abdominal expansion.
Basically, laughter
makes the dude blow up.
- Oh, you mean like a bomb!
- Like a balloon.
- Like a balloon?
What you mean, ain't no guts and stuff
gonna spill out all over the place?
- No guts, no spewing.
When they stop laughing,
they return to normal size.
- What the hell good does that do?
- It'll really scare 'em.
- That's it, it's gonna scare 'em?
- Well, it'll scare 'em enough
to fork over the ransom.
- Oh, man, this thing better work.
- Well, let's go test it and find out.
- Hey, why the hell we
gotta watch the thing
from in here, argyle?
- Yeah, I feel like a popsicle.
- Sorry, but this
freezer is soundproof,
and some of us have a laughing problem.
- What are we gonna
use for a Guinea pig?
- Voila!
The laugh test dummy.
- Look, pranky, the
dummy's got a tummy!
- Argyle, my brother, you are a genius!
Between your brains and my
beauty, nothing can stop us!
No way, no how!
- All we gotta do is put
this in a prominent location
overlooking the city,
and we are in business!
- I gotta do all the work!
- Ha ha, way to van gough!
- It's ready to be activated by remote.
All I gotta do is set it at the right
level back at the hideout.
- Of course, you do!
We wouldn't want to set
it at the wrong level,
now, would we?
Hey!
The gangster prankster is so dumb...
- How dumb is he?
- When he first saw the police poster
advertising murderer wanted,
he actually applied for the job.
Hey, whoa, hey!
Hey, hold it, hold it, wait a minute.
Put the spotlight back
there on that loser.
Who is that, in the back?
Ah, gangster prankster!
- Hey, it's him!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
how about a nice...
- I'm going down to the club.
- I'm coming with you.
- No, no, this is police business.
You stay here in case argyle calls.
- The gangster prankster!
- I don't like you making
jokes at my expense!
- But they're not at your expense.
- No, they're not!
- Not when they're cheap shots.
- That's not funny, chortle!
- My audience thinks they're funny.
- Yeah, well, they won't be
laughing tomorrow night.
- Why, are you gonna
be writing my jokes?
- Yeah, and this time they're
gonna be at your expense.
- What are you talking about?
- Unless $100,000,000
is delivered to the
Charlie chortle billboard
by tomorrow at midnight,
anyone in this city who laughs
will pay the price.
- And how you gonna manage that one?
- With my secret device,
the bust-a-gut!
- Except I guess it's
not a secret, huh?
Boy, you really aren't the
brightest bulb in the bunch.
- Now that's funny!
Hey, black scorpion!
- Starting a TV career?
- Let's just say I'm on
the talk show circuit.
- You're about to be preempted.
You'll never force me to sign off.
- Then I'll just change the channel.
The juice is loose!
- Agh!
- Yay, you finally stung
the black scorpion!
- No, no, no way, the mayor's not give
$100,000,000 to some circus reject.
- He ought to, the way babette giggles,
she'll be floating in no time.
- Don't make me laugh, Rafferty.
I don't wanna blow up like a balloon.
- It's too late, cap.
- Shouldn't we be trying to
find the gangster prankster?
- I think he's after
one thing, revenge.
And if he goes after Charlie again,
this time we'll be there.
- As long as you don't
get into the habit!
- Charlie, Charlie, I been working
on some material in the squad room,
and I think I can help you.
- Whoopee!
- Yeah.
How many cops does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
- Uh, one, but you can never
find him when you need him.
It's in my book, moron.
- I knew I read it somewhere.
- No, no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait just one minute.
I got one for us, okay?
I arrested this really terrible
terrorist the other day,
and he got so upset with me,
he tried to blow my car up.
But he kept burning his
lips on the tailpipe.
- You the man!
- Uh, if I were you guys, I
wouldn't give up my day jobs.
- Is he mocking us?
- What the guy said.
- Hey, thanks for the tip, pal.
- Let's shoot him.
- No...
- Come on, don't worry about
the gangster prankster's
threat to kill us if we laugh!
I mean, he's really lousy
at this terror stuff.
Just today, he tried to blow up my car,
but he kept burning his
lips on the tailpipe.
- He stole my joke.
Come on, come on, laugh.
- Which is exactly why
no one's laughing.
- Come on, don't worry
about a death threat!
Laugh.
Laugh.
Laugh, ha ha ha.
Laugh!
- Where's my ransom?
- Guess they don't take you seriously.
- I'll show 'em how serious
a funny guy can be.
- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
to prove it's safe to
laugh at my jokes.
I'm gonna get the world's
biggest belly laugh, right now.
- Argyle, activate that bust-a-gut!
- You ready?
Whoa! What's happening?
Somebody help me!
I promise I'll stop!
- It works, it works!
Ugh, ah!
I promise I'll stop!
I'm gonna bust a gut!
- Hey, hey, hey, put that thing away!
- Why?
- Because if you shoot
him, he might pop!
- Yeah, but if we get a few
more of these balloon people,
we can start our own parade!
- Why are you doing that?
- Because if they laugh,
they're gonna blow up like balloons!
This is part of the gangster
prankster's freak show.
- Wait, wait, stop, somebody help me!
- I can make it work even better.
Hey! - No, come on, Luther, don't!
- Grimace, end this sibling rivalry!
- You're gonna hurt him, no!
- Give it!
- No, no!
- I'm gonna bust a gut!
Help, somebody...
- Boom!
- It's grim in the city of angels,
as the entire population lives
with the terror that
laughter now brings.
Now, in spite of a
city-wide laughing ban,
renegade laughers throughout
the metropolitan area
have met with fatal consequences.
- So I understand you've been feeling
a little schizophrenic lately.
- Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
- Well, that makes four of us.
Get it, four of us?
It's just a little psychotherapy humor.
- Stray laughers are
popping like balloons
all over the city!
- Well, at least we're all safe
with miss Walker around.
- I appreciate your confidence in me.
- Hey, hey, no problem,
I am truly confident
that you can't tell a joke.
- This is not a laughing
matter, Rafferty!
- I'm serious, cap, darce is not funny.
- Well, that's all going to change.
- "I'm laughing with
you: The collected works
"of Charlie chortle."
- Hey, put that away, you
wanna kill somebody?
- Wait, you wanna be funny now?
- I've been thinking
about what you said.
Maybe all we need to catch
the gangster prankster
is a good comedian.
- I'm the last one laughing!
I'm the last one laughing!
- You promised you wouldn't
kill anybody, Luther!
- Oops, I must've had
my fingers crossed!
- You tricked me!
- Hey, it's not the first time, bro!
- What?
- Show him, giggles.
- My pleasure.
Ooh, baby, baby, you're so sweet!
That's because I'm your sugar daddy.
- Where you goin'?
You go out that door, you'll kill us!
- I'm leaving, Luther.
- Huh?
Well, are you gonna come back?
- I'm leaving the gang permanently.
- Well, I wouldn't
have it any other way.
Since I didn't get my ransom,
I'm gonna kill everybody in the city.
- But to do that, you gotta be funny,
and Luther, you ain't funny.
- I don't need to be funny, brother.
- You don't?
- No!
Not when I can hijack a jet and dump
feathers all over the city!
And when everybody starts laughing,
they'll be dead, just like you!
Enjoy your tickle torture.
- Go ahead and laugh!
Break out of your shell!
- Yeah, open up and show
us you have a heart!
- Yeah, we wanna see the inner you!
- Now, now, now, fellas!
Don't joke with him, you
know he has such thin skin.
Thank you!
Let's get outta here!
- Computer, follow
argyle homing beacon.
Merry-go-round ice cream?
Time for dessert.
Argyle!
- True blue!
Blue, baby, how can I ever thank you?
- You can tell me how
to find the bust-a-gut.
- It's behind the billboard
at Charlie chortle's.
- All right, I'm on my way.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast!
If you disable it, it'll explode,
and I don't mean with laughter.
- Then how am I gonna save the city?
- The only way to do it
is with remote control,
but that clown I have
for a brother has it.
- Where is he?
- Gesundheit!
- Thank you.
- I'll get the goons,
you get the gangster.
- I'll wipe that smile off his face.
Gimme that remote, clown boy!
- Huh, remote this!
- What's the matter,
giggles, afraid to laugh?
- Yes!
- Birds of a feather, knocked together.
- Mine, mine, mine.
- Mommy said we should...
- You busted my bust-a-gut!
Come here!
- Looks like it's safe for
the city to laugh again.
- It might be safe for the city,
but not you, black scorpion!
- Wait, don't I get any last words?
- All right, but you
better make it fast.
- Is a joke quick enough for you?
- Okay, well, let's hear it.
- Bunch of convicts,
eating dinner in a prison,
when I bank robber shouts out, "26!"
Everyone laughs, then
a serial killer jumps
up on the table and shouts, "542!"
Again, everyone laughs, so a shoplifter
says to his cellmate, "I don't get it.
"What's so funny?"
Cellmate says, "well, we only have one
joke book in the library,
and we know 'em all by heart,
so instead of reciting 'em,
we just shout out the number."
Shoplifter jumps up on the table,
shouts, "number eight!"
Dead silence, nothing.
"Why didn't anybody laugh?"
Cellmate shrugs, "must
be your delivery."
Hey, that's pretty funny!
- Time to bust a gut.
- Argyle!
How could you do this to...
We're family!
- With family like you,
who needs enemies?
- You're killing me!
- At least this time, he died laughing.
And his cellmate shrugs, "it
must be your delivery."
- I gotta write that
one down right now!"
- That is number 62 for the ball, huh?
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah, Doug, ah!
- Ah, geez, listen, Walker.
- Oh, I'm all ears.
- Look, I uh, I wanted to apologize.
You know, uh, you really do
have a good sense of humor.
- Ah, come on, I just
memorized a bunch of jokes.
- You're funny even when you
pretend to not get my jokes.
- I'm not pretending.
- Yeah, right, good one, Walker.
- I can't believe I thought
you had a sugar daddy.
- But I do.
- Who?
- You.
The mayor's stretch
limousine has been stolen.
It was last seen headed
south on angel boulevard.
Proceed with extreme caution!
It's the mayor's favorite limo.
- You picked the wrong
car for a joy ride.
Activate auto-transform.
Ugh!
- You like to play golf, huh?
Well, I been workin' on my chip shot.
Computer, engage missile launch.
Fore!
A hole in one!
Oh, my god!
What are you laughing at?
- Looks like I made a dummy
out of the black scorpion.
- Fire!
- In the light of day,
Darcy Walker is a cop,
but in the dark of night,
she becomes black scorpion.
Doing with a mask what she
can't do with a badge.
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, has everyone here heard
of the gangster prankster?
You know, the super villain
who giggles like a girl?
Well, there's a reason
he's got that stupid grin
plastered on his face.
He is stupid.
- How stupid is he?
- He is so stupid,
he actually turned himself
in to get the reward money.
- But really, I shouldn't attack
the gangster prankster's intelligence.
He's funny, but looks
aren't everything.
- Oh, he thinks he's real funny,
but I'll have the last laugh
when I break outta here!
- How we gonna bust out?
- The same way we did
before, with aftershock.
Who broke wind?
Ugh!
- Damn!
- Are you the gangster prankster?
- Who the hell are you?
- It ain't mommy.
- I'm your ticket outta here.
- But aftershock's dead!
- She may be dead, but
I know someone living
that can get us outta here!
- You know, the gangster prankster
is so ugly.
- How ugly is he?
- He's so ugly...
- That gangster prankster fool
is sure gettin' what he deserves.
- Look, nobody deserves to be publicly
humiliated like that, nobody.
- He's gotta pay his debt to society.
- And he's doin' that by
livin' his life behind bars.
- Okay, defend him, all you cons
stick together, anyway.
- That con happens to be my brother.
- Don't remind me.
- Why does an intelligent thought
always die such a quick death
in the brain of the gangster prankster?
It can't stand solitary confinement.
- I hate to break up your yuk fest,
but I just got an anonymous tip
on the location of the mayor's limo.
- Lemme see that.
- Whoa, hey!
- Take Rafferty and check it out.
- Look, I'm telling you, argyle
would never steal the mayor's limo.
- Oh, come on, darce.
It certainly fits within
his criminal history.
- That's ancient history.
This has gotta be some kinda joke.
- Please, you wouldn't know a joke
if it bit you in your funny bone.
- Really?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, there he is.
- All right, look, he's my friend.
Just let me do the talkin', huh?
- Mmm, lookin' so good and so fine,
and you know I had too much wine.
- I know you did.
- I'm gonna make a little love tonight.
- Oh, yes, baby!
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
Hey, blue!
What brings you by the
old garage tonight?
- Argyle, we'll ask the questions.
- Please...
Where were you tonight?
- Me and my baby just had a
romantic candlelight dinner.
- Yeah, we had a little
argument earlier,
and argyle was apologizing.
- I was apologizing?
You were apologizing.
- Argyle, you're a
suspect in a robbery...
- If you don't mind,
we just need to take a
look in your garage.
- Blue, is this a joke?
I mean, 'cause it's not funny.
- I wish it were.
- Okay, okay, I hope you
weren't planning a surprise
party 'cause it's not my birthday.
They made a big mistake,
blue, 'cause I...
- Well, well, well, surprise!
- Argyle!
- How could you?
- But baby, I didn't!
- Yeah, right, that's
what they all say.
Listen, you're comin' downtown with us.
- Hey, man, you got the wrong guy!
- I got the wrong guy!
- All right, let's go, come on!
Turn around, put your
hands behind your back.
- No, no, no, look, Steve!
I'll cuff him, all right?
Turn around. - Blue!
- I didn't wanna have to do this.
- Then don't.
- Argyle!
- Hello, Luther.
- Ah, now what's a nice guy like you
doin' in a place like this?
- I was framed.
- You don't say!
Wha, I was, too!
Grimace, heckler, were you framed?
- I was.
- Yeah, me, too!
And my mother framed my mugshot.
- But don't worry, I
won't be here for long.
My friends are gonna get me out.
- What friends?
What, you mean that cop chick?
Argyle, if I told you once,
I told you a million times,
you can't trust cops!
If your friends are cops,
you can't trust your friends.
And if you can't trust your friends,
who can you trust?
- My girl, tender lovin',
she'll bail me out.
- Oooooh, how do you know?
- Because she never lets
me finish a sentence.
- Leave the jokes to me, bro.
And your girl to Mr. moneybags.
- What are you talking about, Luther?
- Word on the street is
she's got herself a sugar daddy.
- But I give her everything she needs!
- Except money!
- Well, money and hair
aren't everything.
- They are when you don't have 'em!
- All I know is, my girl is happy.
- Want to know who else
is makin' her happy?
- What, are you hooking
us up for cable?
- Why don't you turn on the
TV and find out, brother?
- Don't mind if I do.
Step back.
Oh!
- Where do you think you're going?
- To get a midnight snack?
- Yeah, and we want it to go!
- Ugh!
- Ah!
Sorry, boss!
- Let's take a field trip, felons!
- How we gonna get over
all that barbed wire?
- Don't worry, and back up!
- Go, go, go, go!
Go!
- Man, it's good to have you
back in the old gang, man!
- Hey, man, I'm not in a gang, man.
Keep your eyes on the road! - Ooh!
- I'm not in a gang anymore, Luther.
I'm just going home to see my baby.
- What makes you think she's at home?
- Don't start that again.
She's at home, all right.
My baby is a home lovin' girl.
- Yeah, home lovin' on another man!
Woo, hoo, hoo! - It's not funny.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
- Wait!
Who's that?
- She already got somebody new!
- Well, you know what they say.
Absence makes the heart go wander!
- Oh, baby, baby, you're so sweet.
That's because
I'm your sugar daddy.
- What am I gonna do now?
- Well, you could join the gang and
follow in your brother's fingerprints.
Remember the fun we had, bro?
- What I do remember is what
happened the first time.
- Give it up, prankster!
- You crazy?
I always play to sudden death!
- That's the way you want it.
Fire!
- Yeah, but now I've got you
lookin' out for me, bro.
- We better get rich this time.
- Welcome back, bro!
- All right.
- Listen, I don't really care if
argyle stole the car or not.
I just want to bail him out so that
I can give him my own brand of justice.
- I'm workin' on it.
- So, I was so nuts about this girl
that lived next door to me... - What?
- Would you please let me finish?
- Oh, I'm sorry, is this another one
of your hilarious jokes?
Well?
- You're not gonna have
to bail out argyle.
He just broke out of jail with the
gangster prankster and his gang.
- What are you talking about?
- They were last seen headed
south in an ice cream truck.
- Well, I guess the joke's
on you, huh, darce?
- Giggles!
After being in prison so long,
the only woman in the world that can
give me what I need.
- What's that, pranky?
- A good laugh!
Start tickling, baby!
Oh, argyle, you gotta try this, baby!
This is so fun!
- I'm here for business,
not pleasure, Luther.
- Hey, pleasure is my business, fool!
I'm a clown, remember?
I make people laugh!
- How we gonna get
rich off of laughter?
- By taking it hostage and
demanding a king's ransom!
- How we gonna do that, pranky?
- Yeah, Luther, how we gonna do that?
- Hey, the newest member of our gang
is gonna invent a
high-tech, super-sonic,
one-of-a-kind thingamajig!
- It's not as easy as
you make it sound.
- The only sound I want
to hear is silence!
Now, from now on, if anybody
laughs, they go bye-bye!
- Look, Luther, I'm not
gonna kill anyone.
- Hey, you want your girl back or not?
- Yeah, but I'm not a murderer!
- Details, details.
You just make sure that if
anybody in this city laughs,
they pay the price!
- I suppose I could do that,
but only if you promise
me, no one gets hurt.
- Hey, I promise!
Good lookin' out, bro!
- This area's restricted, turn around.
- Turn around?
- You some kinda nut?
- Sorry, we're outta nuts!
How 'bout some whipped cream? - Huh?
- Ugh, crazy!
- How 'bout a cherry on top?
- Ugh!
Oof!
- Here comes the cavalry!
- Roll out the barrels!
Fire the tutti frutti!
- Attention, all units!
Respond to fort angel military base
for emergency reinforcement!
We have reports of
automatic weapons fire
and intense cackling.
- Gangster pranskter!
- Copy that, this is unit
two-niner-six-two responding.
I'm requesting the first
available backup.
- Activate auto-transform.
- Why is this taking so long?
It would go a lot faster
if those fools would keep it down.
- Coffee, tea, or me?
- You!
- Black scorpion!
- Uh-oh!
- Heard any good ones lately?
- Why did the black
scorpion cross the road?
- You tell me.
- I don't know, she never
made it to the other side!
- Get 'em, blue, get 'em!
Ugh!
Ugh!
- You guys need to
work on your delivery.
What are you giggling about?
- I don't know, it's
just something I do.
- Here's something I do.
Ah!
Ugh!
Argyle?
So it's true, you really
did join the gang again.
- I didn't have a choice, blue.
- What, did the gangster
prankster force you?
- No, you did, you and tender lovin'.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about her sugar daddy!
- No, this has gotta
be some kinda mistake.
Look, you can't just
throw your life away
over a misunderstanding.
I won't stand for it!
Ugh!
Nice distraction, argyle!
Take off her mask, pranky!
- Yeah!
- No, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second!
Look, takin' off her mask,
it won't make us any richer.
Besides, I already got
the computer chip!
- Hmm, you're so practical, argyle.
- Thank you.
- Well, so am I!
A practical joker!
Off with her mask!
- Hey, it's the cops!
- Let's blow this popsicle stand!
- All right, all right,
let's go, come on!
Roll over, kiss some concrete!
Hands behind the neck,
and no funny business!
- I'm not the gangster prankster.
- A criminal's a criminal.
- And I thought we had
something special.
- Oh, we do, sweetheart.
I'll send you flowers in prison.
- And I'll send 'em to you
while you're in the hospital.
Ah! - Ugh!
- Attention, all units!
Black scorpion-mobile heading
north on paradise parkway.
- Computer, activate thermal imaging.
Locate all moving ice cream trucks
within a 20-block radius.
- Looks like we got a tough customer!
- She's gonna be hard to satisfy!
- I wonder what flavor she likes?
- Give her some rocky road!
- Ice cream's too fattening.
- She doesn't like ice cream!
- Then I'll give her a shake!
- You drive like a clown!
- What do we do now, pranky?
- Give her a taste of hot fudge!
- Yeah!
- Another satisfied customer!
- After stealing top-secret
military electronics,
the gangster prankster
and his gang of fools
have hijacked the helium shipments,
stolen a police lie detector,
and sawed the giant ear off
the heavenly burger cupid.
This recent crime spree
has authorities baffled.
- What are you up to, argyle?
- Ladies and gentlemen, I
present to you the bust-a-gut!
- Yay!
- What?
How's this hunk o' junk gonna
stop people from laughing?
- Basically, the lie detector
is a laugh detector.
- Hmm, this sounds too good to be true.
But how does it stop laughter?
- It works like the arrow
cannon black scorpion
used to stop you from killing everyone
at the cop carnival with
your deadly laughing gas.
Yo, computer, activate arrow cannon.
The human ear replica
sucks in vibrations
created by the offending laughter.
Helium atoms are then transported
over an ultra-microwave frequency,
bonding with victims' molecules,
inducing abdominal expansion.
Basically, laughter
makes the dude blow up.
- Oh, you mean like a bomb!
- Like a balloon.
- Like a balloon?
What you mean, ain't no guts and stuff
gonna spill out all over the place?
- No guts, no spewing.
When they stop laughing,
they return to normal size.
- What the hell good does that do?
- It'll really scare 'em.
- That's it, it's gonna scare 'em?
- Well, it'll scare 'em enough
to fork over the ransom.
- Oh, man, this thing better work.
- Well, let's go test it and find out.
- Hey, why the hell we
gotta watch the thing
from in here, argyle?
- Yeah, I feel like a popsicle.
- Sorry, but this
freezer is soundproof,
and some of us have a laughing problem.
- What are we gonna
use for a Guinea pig?
- Voila!
The laugh test dummy.
- Look, pranky, the
dummy's got a tummy!
- Argyle, my brother, you are a genius!
Between your brains and my
beauty, nothing can stop us!
No way, no how!
- All we gotta do is put
this in a prominent location
overlooking the city,
and we are in business!
- I gotta do all the work!
- Ha ha, way to van gough!
- It's ready to be activated by remote.
All I gotta do is set it at the right
level back at the hideout.
- Of course, you do!
We wouldn't want to set
it at the wrong level,
now, would we?
Hey!
The gangster prankster is so dumb...
- How dumb is he?
- When he first saw the police poster
advertising murderer wanted,
he actually applied for the job.
Hey, whoa, hey!
Hey, hold it, hold it, wait a minute.
Put the spotlight back
there on that loser.
Who is that, in the back?
Ah, gangster prankster!
- Hey, it's him!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
how about a nice...
- I'm going down to the club.
- I'm coming with you.
- No, no, this is police business.
You stay here in case argyle calls.
- The gangster prankster!
- I don't like you making
jokes at my expense!
- But they're not at your expense.
- No, they're not!
- Not when they're cheap shots.
- That's not funny, chortle!
- My audience thinks they're funny.
- Yeah, well, they won't be
laughing tomorrow night.
- Why, are you gonna
be writing my jokes?
- Yeah, and this time they're
gonna be at your expense.
- What are you talking about?
- Unless $100,000,000
is delivered to the
Charlie chortle billboard
by tomorrow at midnight,
anyone in this city who laughs
will pay the price.
- And how you gonna manage that one?
- With my secret device,
the bust-a-gut!
- Except I guess it's
not a secret, huh?
Boy, you really aren't the
brightest bulb in the bunch.
- Now that's funny!
Hey, black scorpion!
- Starting a TV career?
- Let's just say I'm on
the talk show circuit.
- You're about to be preempted.
You'll never force me to sign off.
- Then I'll just change the channel.
The juice is loose!
- Agh!
- Yay, you finally stung
the black scorpion!
- No, no, no way, the mayor's not give
$100,000,000 to some circus reject.
- He ought to, the way babette giggles,
she'll be floating in no time.
- Don't make me laugh, Rafferty.
I don't wanna blow up like a balloon.
- It's too late, cap.
- Shouldn't we be trying to
find the gangster prankster?
- I think he's after
one thing, revenge.
And if he goes after Charlie again,
this time we'll be there.
- As long as you don't
get into the habit!
- Charlie, Charlie, I been working
on some material in the squad room,
and I think I can help you.
- Whoopee!
- Yeah.
How many cops does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
- Uh, one, but you can never
find him when you need him.
It's in my book, moron.
- I knew I read it somewhere.
- No, no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait just one minute.
I got one for us, okay?
I arrested this really terrible
terrorist the other day,
and he got so upset with me,
he tried to blow my car up.
But he kept burning his
lips on the tailpipe.
- You the man!
- Uh, if I were you guys, I
wouldn't give up my day jobs.
- Is he mocking us?
- What the guy said.
- Hey, thanks for the tip, pal.
- Let's shoot him.
- No...
- Come on, don't worry about
the gangster prankster's
threat to kill us if we laugh!
I mean, he's really lousy
at this terror stuff.
Just today, he tried to blow up my car,
but he kept burning his
lips on the tailpipe.
- He stole my joke.
Come on, come on, laugh.
- Which is exactly why
no one's laughing.
- Come on, don't worry
about a death threat!
Laugh.
Laugh.
Laugh, ha ha ha.
Laugh!
- Where's my ransom?
- Guess they don't take you seriously.
- I'll show 'em how serious
a funny guy can be.
- I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
to prove it's safe to
laugh at my jokes.
I'm gonna get the world's
biggest belly laugh, right now.
- Argyle, activate that bust-a-gut!
- You ready?
Whoa! What's happening?
Somebody help me!
I promise I'll stop!
- It works, it works!
Ugh, ah!
I promise I'll stop!
I'm gonna bust a gut!
- Hey, hey, hey, put that thing away!
- Why?
- Because if you shoot
him, he might pop!
- Yeah, but if we get a few
more of these balloon people,
we can start our own parade!
- Why are you doing that?
- Because if they laugh,
they're gonna blow up like balloons!
This is part of the gangster
prankster's freak show.
- Wait, wait, stop, somebody help me!
- I can make it work even better.
Hey! - No, come on, Luther, don't!
- Grimace, end this sibling rivalry!
- You're gonna hurt him, no!
- Give it!
- No, no!
- I'm gonna bust a gut!
Help, somebody...
- Boom!
- It's grim in the city of angels,
as the entire population lives
with the terror that
laughter now brings.
Now, in spite of a
city-wide laughing ban,
renegade laughers throughout
the metropolitan area
have met with fatal consequences.
- So I understand you've been feeling
a little schizophrenic lately.
- Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
- Well, that makes four of us.
Get it, four of us?
It's just a little psychotherapy humor.
- Stray laughers are
popping like balloons
all over the city!
- Well, at least we're all safe
with miss Walker around.
- I appreciate your confidence in me.
- Hey, hey, no problem,
I am truly confident
that you can't tell a joke.
- This is not a laughing
matter, Rafferty!
- I'm serious, cap, darce is not funny.
- Well, that's all going to change.
- "I'm laughing with
you: The collected works
"of Charlie chortle."
- Hey, put that away, you
wanna kill somebody?
- Wait, you wanna be funny now?
- I've been thinking
about what you said.
Maybe all we need to catch
the gangster prankster
is a good comedian.
- I'm the last one laughing!
I'm the last one laughing!
- You promised you wouldn't
kill anybody, Luther!
- Oops, I must've had
my fingers crossed!
- You tricked me!
- Hey, it's not the first time, bro!
- What?
- Show him, giggles.
- My pleasure.
Ooh, baby, baby, you're so sweet!
That's because I'm your sugar daddy.
- Where you goin'?
You go out that door, you'll kill us!
- I'm leaving, Luther.
- Huh?
Well, are you gonna come back?
- I'm leaving the gang permanently.
- Well, I wouldn't
have it any other way.
Since I didn't get my ransom,
I'm gonna kill everybody in the city.
- But to do that, you gotta be funny,
and Luther, you ain't funny.
- I don't need to be funny, brother.
- You don't?
- No!
Not when I can hijack a jet and dump
feathers all over the city!
And when everybody starts laughing,
they'll be dead, just like you!
Enjoy your tickle torture.
- Go ahead and laugh!
Break out of your shell!
- Yeah, open up and show
us you have a heart!
- Yeah, we wanna see the inner you!
- Now, now, now, fellas!
Don't joke with him, you
know he has such thin skin.
Thank you!
Let's get outta here!
- Computer, follow
argyle homing beacon.
Merry-go-round ice cream?
Time for dessert.
Argyle!
- True blue!
Blue, baby, how can I ever thank you?
- You can tell me how
to find the bust-a-gut.
- It's behind the billboard
at Charlie chortle's.
- All right, I'm on my way.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast!
If you disable it, it'll explode,
and I don't mean with laughter.
- Then how am I gonna save the city?
- The only way to do it
is with remote control,
but that clown I have
for a brother has it.
- Where is he?
- Gesundheit!
- Thank you.
- I'll get the goons,
you get the gangster.
- I'll wipe that smile off his face.
Gimme that remote, clown boy!
- Huh, remote this!
- What's the matter,
giggles, afraid to laugh?
- Yes!
- Birds of a feather, knocked together.
- Mine, mine, mine.
- Mommy said we should...
- You busted my bust-a-gut!
Come here!
- Looks like it's safe for
the city to laugh again.
- It might be safe for the city,
but not you, black scorpion!
- Wait, don't I get any last words?
- All right, but you
better make it fast.
- Is a joke quick enough for you?
- Okay, well, let's hear it.
- Bunch of convicts,
eating dinner in a prison,
when I bank robber shouts out, "26!"
Everyone laughs, then
a serial killer jumps
up on the table and shouts, "542!"
Again, everyone laughs, so a shoplifter
says to his cellmate, "I don't get it.
"What's so funny?"
Cellmate says, "well, we only have one
joke book in the library,
and we know 'em all by heart,
so instead of reciting 'em,
we just shout out the number."
Shoplifter jumps up on the table,
shouts, "number eight!"
Dead silence, nothing.
"Why didn't anybody laugh?"
Cellmate shrugs, "must
be your delivery."
Hey, that's pretty funny!
- Time to bust a gut.
- Argyle!
How could you do this to...
We're family!
- With family like you,
who needs enemies?
- You're killing me!
- At least this time, he died laughing.
And his cellmate shrugs, "it
must be your delivery."
- I gotta write that
one down right now!"
- That is number 62 for the ball, huh?
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah, Doug, ah!
- Ah, geez, listen, Walker.
- Oh, I'm all ears.
- Look, I uh, I wanted to apologize.
You know, uh, you really do
have a good sense of humor.
- Ah, come on, I just
memorized a bunch of jokes.
- You're funny even when you
pretend to not get my jokes.
- I'm not pretending.
- Yeah, right, good one, Walker.
- I can't believe I thought
you had a sugar daddy.
- But I do.
- Who?
- You.