Black Jesus (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Vatican Guys - full transcript

After discovering the leaked video of Jesus performing a miracle, the Vatican sends two secret agents from Italy to Compton to kidnap "the Black Jesus" and determine if the oversized black guy is really the son of God.

[ man singing in latin ]





[ italian accent ]
cardinal ciabatti,

are we sure this footage
isn't doctored?

Ciabatti:
Not as far as we know.

The real issue here
is that there is

a very small yet scattered
international following

of a man who is
interpreted to be

the second coming
of jesus christ.

They call him black jesus.



And he has a very strong
social media presence.

[ bell rings ]

[ italian accent]
any confirmed miracles?

No, and that's why
you are here, gentlemen.

You must find him.
Bring him here

so that he can be
thoroughly examined,

and possibly exterminated.

Exterminated?

But what if
he's really --

jesus christ?

Returned as a black man
in an american ghetto?

Right.

If we ignore this,
we do it at our own peril.

So you must
bring him to rome



so that we can
deal with him properly.

Where is he?

In a section of los angeles.

A place called compton.

Compton?

Yes.

I understand that compton
is hell-adjacent.

[ bottle clinks ]

would you care for
the blood of christ?

♪ amen





[ gulls crying ]

damn, boon.

Where your mom get all this
knock-off merchandise from?

God only knows,
jesus.

I don't think he does.
[ dogs bark in distance ]

matter of fact,
I know pops don't have a clue

as to where you get
counterfeit condoms from.

Hey, man,
you gonna mess around

and have some major
baby-mama drama with these.

Heh.
Who you tellin'?

Anyway, what's your virgin ass
know about counterfeit condoms?

And all this shit ain't fake --
some of it is stolen.

Which means
it's legit,

just in an il-legit
sort of way.

Like these phones.
You know, you...

You know,
folks gonna get

one phone call
before the activation lock

turn those into some
pretty-ass paperweights.

[ laughs ]

what -- what's good
in the bag, lloyd?

Nothin'.

Andyouknow why.

Oh, here we go.
Here we go.

Damn right, here we go.

Because
of some unwanted miracle,

I can't enjoy
my favorite pastime

of getting drunk off
my mother[bleep] ass.

Have a [bleep] day,
gentlemen.

Oh, lookit, jesus!

Look, jesus.

Darby, darby...

[ up-beat music plays ]

I know this place!
Yeah?

It's famous.

Famous? For what?
Being a shit hole?

No.

I-it's in this video game
my nephew plays.

Ah.
"grand theft auto."

this is just like
the part of the game

where the ghetto is,
and where the poor blacks live.

[ laughs ] ahh.

It's where all
the bad shit happens.

Huh.
Bad shit like what?

Bad shit like this,
mother...

Get your bitch ass out the car.
[ screaming ]

don't --
ow!

Ah [bleep]
[ horn blares ]

santino:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no, don't --
[ indistinct shouting ]

you got my car,
but you won't get jesus!

[ blows landing ]
santino: Oh, get the jesus!

Renzo, get jesus!
Jesus, jesus, jesus!

Aaah!

[ indistinct shouting ]

I got the gesu cristo!
It's the jesus!

[ yelling, blows landing ]

oh, yeah!

I got my jesus, nigga!

[ horn honks ]

and welcome back to
the regal seasons, gentlemen.

Have a great afternoon.

None of my business.

Ciabatti:
You got robbed three [bleep]
hours after you landed?

Compton is crazy.

Can't we just pray until he
comes to beverly hills?

Just get the black
[snarls] jesus!

[ snoring ]

[ slams ]

damn, miss emma.
What the hell?

Hell is where
y'all should go

for selling these fake-ass
feminine-hygiene products.

These tampons
that you sold me

couldn't soak up the blood
from a paper cut,

much less my period.

My flow ain't no joke.

I'ma need a refund.

Damn, miss emma.
T-m-I!

And, anyway,
ain't no refund.

Well, then, I'ma trade for
one of these fake-ass bibles.

Nah, miss emma.

See, these bibles,
they 100% legit.

From genesis to revelations,
all accounted for and accurate.

Trust me.
Mm-hmm.

Is that why it says "holly
bible" instead of "holy bible"?



clancy, I don't like
the look of these white dudes

clocking us
from down the block.

You're right.

Prepare to discharge
the artillery.

Prepared.

Fire!
Fire!

[ missile charges, launches ]

aaah!

[ coughs ]

[ santino and renzo coughing ]
[ dog barking ]

[ guns cocking ]

jesus christ.

Jesus ain't here to save you
mafia thugs.

And drop
your weapons.

We don't have
any weapons.

Only one way to prove it, huh?
Strip.

Grazie.

Hold on. Welcome back to
the regal seasons, gentlemen.

Legs looking good.
I need a room key from you.

Welcome back
to the regal seasons.

Ciabatti: What the hell
is wrong with you putzes?

Have you no cajones?

No testicolis?

No balls?

In fact, show me your balls.

Show me what you morons think
are balls.

Show them.

I want to see them.

All four of them.

Right now!

Oh, my lord.

You call those balls?

These are balls!

Uh...

Huh.

Quite substantial,
your grace.

You got to man
the [bleep] up,

and you need to go and find
the black [yells] jesus!

[ hip-hop music plays ]

[ santino and renzo conversing
in italian ]

santino:
Hey, buddy!

We're looking for a black guy.

So was jeffrey dahmer.
You weirdos kiss my ass.

Wait, no, no!
We're not assholes.

We're --
we're not weirdos, either.

We're looking for the --
the black jesus.

The black jesus, yes.

And we're willing to pay
to find him.

Pay?
Sure.

Jesus? Yeah.

Jesus is an asshole.

I see.

Uh, does this asshole
perform miracles?

Are you kidding?

It's because of
one of his miracles

that I'm in this [bleep] up
condition today.

He made you poor?

And black?

Worse.

The mother[bleep]
made me sober.

Nice rings.
Heh, heh.

You guys are from the vatican!

No, no.
No, no.

Like the pope's secret police.

No, no.
No.

Bullshit.

Ever since that meddling-ass
jesus made me sober,

I can remember
a whole bunch of shit

I couldn't remember before.

I mean,
just like those rings.

Listen, maybe we can
help each other.

You want black jesus.

I want to get rid of this
piece-of-shit-ass miracle.

So?

So, I'll show you
how to get to black jesus.

You have the pope
talk to god

to reverse this
unwanted curse of sobriety.

Uh...
Deal.

Deal?
Mm.

I'ma take you straight
to that mother[bleep].

Yeah!
[ chuckles ]

and thanks, judas.

The name is lloyd,
nigga.

Uh, do you prefer lloyd
or mister nigga?

Do you prefer your ball sack
up by your neck?

If you do,
the name is "mr. Nigga."

if not, lloyd.

Hi, lloyd.
Hi, lloyd.



ms. Tudi, ms. Tudi,
ms. Tudi.

Later, bitch.

How many times I told tudi
to keep them punk-ass niggas

off my corner
slanging that silly-ass shit?

How many times?
Too many times.

How many times?
Too many times!

That's right.
A whole lotta damn times.

Now I got to handle it.

[ guns cock ]

hold up.

Wait a minute.

Who these [bleep]?

[ car doors close ]

that bitch tudi.

She done put some real
mafioso muscle on her payroll.

We got to re-think this.

Come back on these fools
with some real firepower.

[ engine revs ]

hey, it's right there --
[ groans ]

get up.
Up, up.

Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let's go.

Santino.
Come on.
I'm tired of this [bleep]

but we have reservations.

We just want to
go to disneyland.

Sorry, amigos.

But without proof
of citizenship,

I'm afraid it's not
"a small world after all."

he's adorable.

Welcome back,
gentlemen.

He with you?

Great.
Slide him in.

Hotel guests.

What the hell you mean
they got jesus?

And hit me
over the head.

But they got jesus?

I think I'm about to have
a concussion or some shit.

Baby...

Them bastards got jesus.

Ow.

[ whining ]
I don't feel good!

The whole room is spinning!

I can't focus good.

You still got
that obamacare?

Jesus is cheaper
than obamacare, nigga.

Plus, he was
my best salesman.

[bleep] you don't
understand.

These was some
real mafia dudes.

Man, they got out the car
with them italian accents,

that olive-complected-
but-still-white-guy skin,

them cheap-looking suits
that cost a fortune,

the whole nine.

In fact, that dude hit me
with a nine, I think.

What you just said right there
ain't a disadvantage.

All it mean is them niggas
ain't gonna be hard to find.

What, two white boys driving
an impala in our neighborhood?

Please.
Come on.

Grab my bag.

[ gun cocks ]
come on!

Ciabatti: Finally,
you have successfully

apprehended
the so-called black jesus.

So-called
because it's so true.

If you don't
knock it off

with all the disbelief,
cardinal...

Let me live.

If you are
the real jesus,

then why don't you
put an end to all this

and just make yourself magically
disappear up outta here?

For the same reason I didn't
just magically disappear

when they had my black ass
nailed to that cross.

You know wouldn't nobody
would have received

none of god's love
or the spiritual enlightenment,

man, so thank me later,
pimp.

I mean,
pops always had a plan.

Just like now.

Achoo!

Ahh.

Scusate.
[ heavenly music plays ]

bless you, pimp.

Demon magic!
Get him!

Aah!

You're not getting away
from me, jesus!

[ laughs ]
hey, you guys are friends.

You can stop whuppin'
each other's asses now.

[ laughs ]



ohh...

Mm, mm, mm!

Them white
vatican bastards lied!

This shit don't work!

A whole case of darby
and the only thing got a buzz

is my dick
from pissin' too much.

Oh, man!

[ bottles clinking ]

[ glass shatters ]

damn you,
miracles from heaven!

Damn you!

I don't care
what old-world crime family

ms. Tudi got
them white boys from.

I bow down to no male.

That's right. We don't take
nothing from no man.

Hey, hey.
Ask them.

Hey! You kids see some
mob-looking white dudes?

Oojah!

[ boy grunts ]

[ boy groaning ]

ms. Tudi: Hey.
Hey, kids!

Y'all seen some mob-looking
white dudes pass by here?



clancy: I can't believe it,
ambro. It's right here.

You see this?

This shows a breach
of our security.

Who would do something
like this?

Some commie-gook, neo-nazi,
border-crossing, sand-nigga,

white-honky, hood-rat,
gender-bending,

millennial hipster, metrosexual,
feminazi, libtard,

rainbow-flag-wearing
bastard.

Clancy,
who don't you hate?

Michelle obama.

Lloyd!

More darby, I see.

Hell no.

I got breath mints
and some alabama tea.

Only thing calm me down.

Well, this gon'
get your blood up.

You see this?

Some damn punks done threw
they damn darby bottles

all over the complex.

Where's the respect?!

Uh, uh, uh...

I agree with you.

Who the hell would do
something like that?

Some commie-gook, neo-nazi,
border-crossing, sa--

ah, ah, ah.

Probably them mob dudes that we
stripped and sent away earlier.

Yeah, I had
a run-in with them.

Mean hombres.

They told some lies,
made some promises,

made me take them
to jesus.

What?
What?

Yo, they probably realized
dude got super powers

from another planet and want to
use him as a weapon for evil.

Ohh.
And if that's the case,

[gun cocks]
they need to be dealt with.

They need to be
dealt with.

You mean "dealt with" like
critically injured?

[giggling] yeah.

Well, if that's the case,
I agree with you.

[ brakes screech ]

'scuse me!

Have you seen any mob-looking
white dudes?

Any mob-lookin' white dudes?

Goddamn
american youth.

Look at you,
facedown in the gutter.

Making me jealous.
Here's a dollar.

[ chuckles ]

according to
everybody we ask,

them white dudes
staying up in here.

Excuse me, ladies --
and I use the term loosely --

are you staying with us?

No.
And neither are your nuts.

[ groans ]

namaste on that,
mother[bleep]



when we get
to the desert airfield,

there should be
a private plane

to transport us
and the demon black jesus

back to rome.

And you,
no funny business.

Capisce?

Man, I was waiting on you
to say that shit!"capisce."

man, that's some
gangster-ass shit.

[ elevator bell dings ]

[ man groaning ]

ms. Tudi: What the [bleep]
happened to you?

Boonie:
Look like somebody
kicked him in the nuts.

That means them yoga bitches
is here. Come on!

[ groans ]
I-I -- [ groans ]

I need to see a key.

Ambro!
Yeah.

[ grunts ]
sorry.

Handicap coming through.
Room key.

I need a room key.
All right.

Look at this
mother[bleep].

Trying to get a key so he can
steal from people's minibars.

Aren't you drunk enough?

Good god!

Everybody can get
drunker than me.

Oh, here.

James brown.

Whoo!
There! Hey!

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ dramatic music playing ]





I see them mother[bleep].

I see them bitches.

Aw, damn!



come on!
Eee!

[ guns cock ]



[ slow-motion footsteps ]

I see them lyin' bastards
right over there.

I see a lot of black people
with guns!

I see a way we can
work this all out.

And I see
a bunch of people without keys

that need to get
the [bleep] out of my hotel.

Man:
Eat lead, scumbag!

Woman: Die, sucker!

Whoa, whoa!
Hey! Uh...

Unh!
Oh, my god.

[ gunshots ]
don't act tough! Unh!

Game on!

-That's right!
-Clancy, I'm comin'!

Clancy!

I thought
you couldn't walk!

I do it for the checks.

Hold up!
[ indistinct shouting ]

namaste, bitch!

Aah!
Don't kill them!

No!
[ yells ]

they owe me a reverse miracle
from the pope!

Aah!

-Man down!
-Mr. Nigga!

Ms. Tudi:
My bad, lloyd!

Aaaah!

-Oh, shit!
-[ laughs ]

hey! Come on!

I've been hit!
I need -- I need --

jesus!
Nah, I need my wig, nigga!

Them bitches shot it off!

Get off of me!

[ groans ]
hey, hey! Watch out! Watch out!

Jesus, I --
I came back to save you.

Ah, come on,
knock it off, lloyd.

We both know
why you came here.

Ms. Tudi: I need my wig!

You didn't come to save me.
You want that darby.

I love you
anyway, lloyd.

Here, keep that --
a souvenir.

Santino:
I just peed myself a little bit!

[ laughing maniacally ]
damn, boy!

-Shoot them bitches!
-Save us, jesus!

[ heavenly music plays ]
aah!

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[ shouts in italian ]

ms. Tudi: Ha, ha!
Take 'em down, jesus!

[ gunshots ]

santino!

Gesu cristo!

No, no, no.

Santino's deathly allergic
to oncidium orchids!

Help!

Oh...
Poor guy. He's gone.

He's gone.

And he had so much
left to live for.

A pet fish...A dog...

A transgender mistress that he
thought nobody knew about,

but I -- [ sobs ]
I knew. I knew.

Hey, don't even trip,
pimp.

Pops say it's cool.
I got this.

[ heavenly music plays ]
[ gasps ]

[ shrieks ]

[ chuckling ]
mwah!

My god...

Get you some air, player.

Santi!
It really is you!

Yeah, you can tell
that cardinal of yours

that he would'a
never known that

had I started doing all
that disappearing and shit.

Y'all quit trippin'
and all them shenanigans.

[ sighs ] did y'all have enough
for the day?

Yep.
That was enough for today.

-[ all agreeing ]
-whew!

That's enough bullets
and gun slingin'.

How 'bout
some fish sandwiches?

Come on.

Oh, snap!

Rise.
[ heavenly music plays ]

[ groans ]

[ laughs ]

-bye, jesus.
-Bye, jesus.

-Black jesus, I believe!
-Well, at least they're gone.

You know that bitch
almost shot me in my head?

Anyway, how long is it
gonna take

to get that stand
set back up?

Ms. Tudi,
it still ain't safe out here

with them yoga ladies
on one with them guns.

Oh, jesus.
Baby, what you worried about?

Listen,
I love you like a son.

Maybe even better.

But, jesus,
it ain't like somebody

could kill
your divine [laughing] ass.

Look here, I can't just be
risin' from the dead

every time you catch beef
with somebody.

Easter only come
once a year.

Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
Wait, wait, wait.





[ heavenly music plays ]

thanks, jesus!

Right on, young pimp.

[ chuckles ]



[ chuckles ]