Black Jesus (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Thy Neighbor's Strife - full transcript

Vic plunges into sin courtesy of Lloyd's estranged wife. Meanwhile, the gang shoots a music video for Boonie's latest track, "Side Bitches". Guest starring Dominique Witten, Keith David, and Bernadette Stanis.

Fixed & Synced by MoUsTaFa ZaKi

You're watching
The Last Man On Earth.

We were known as KWA,
Knitters with Attitude.

Catch all-new episodes Sunday.
And check out
our other Fox programs--

Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
The Grinder and Grandfathered.

I'm a grand--
I'm a grandfather?

Only on Fox.

Previously
on The Last Man on Earth...
Carol... chose... me!

(grunts)

You need to be punished!

No.



I'm leaving Malibu.

Carol,

will you
come with me?

I'm pregnant, Phil.

What?

What did she say?
Not now.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear,
and Tandy won't...

She said she's pregnant.
I'm pregnant.

Wow. Um... congratulations.

Eri-Erica!

I think you've said enough
for one day.

Um, Phil,

I'm gonna have
to pass on your offer

to run away with you. So...



(quietly):
My God.

Whew, that did not go well
for you.

You
really blew it.

Talk about a face-plant, huh?
Okay,

that's enough.
Try to take my woman. Facial!

Facial express.
Tandy. Tandy. Stop it.

Burn.
Be the bigger man about this.

What?

It'll be fine.

I promise.

Erica,

I'm sorry
about what I said to Carol.

If I had known about
your situation, I would have...

never said that.
Oh,

so we're calling this
a situation?

No, no, no. Bad-bad choice
of words. I just...

Look,
we're in

this weird place right now.
Weird place?

Phil,
I'm having a frigging baby.

I think you'd
better leave now.
Gail,

please, this is
between me and Erica.

There is nothing between
you and Erica anymore.

You made that perfectly clear
when you confessed your love

to Carol not
five minutes ago.

I'm the father of her child.

Not anymore.
What?

Oh, it'll have a father.
Just not you.

The whole group
is gonna be the father.

Are we done here?

I'm not going anywhere
until I hear this from her.

(sighs)

Okay. I think I heard her say,
"We're done."

You have a nice day, you hear?
Erica...

Can you believe that guy?

He beats me up,
he tries to steal my wife

while he's got a bun
in Erica's oven.

What a friggin' dong.

Well, that's the dong
that's gonna get you back

into this community.

You should be kissing that dong.
Why should I

be kissing that dong? I should
be friggin' punching that dong.

Have you ever seen
those dogs with no back legs

so they give 'em the little
wheels to scoot around on?

It's the cutest thing ever,
right?

I'm not really seeing
the connection here.

People love wounded animals,

and that's you now.

Your face is like those crippled
little puppy legs,

and you just got

to roll around on the sidewalk

for a while to make everybody
feel sorry for you.

Sorry, Carol, no, okay?
If I want people to trust me,

I got to do this the right way,
okay?

And I'm not gonna play
the sympathy card.

(moaning loudly)

(moaning continues)

Good God.
(chuckles)

Somebody have, like, an aspirin
or a pain reducer

or, like, a-a time machine?

(chuckles)
As if.

(groans)

(panting, snarling)

(breathing rapidly)

It comes in waves.

Unfortunately,
it's high tide right now, but...

(sighs)
I'm fine though. I'm fine.

Can we just change the subject?

Look at him, not wanting
to talk about himself again.

Have you guys noticed that?

That eye does
look pretty grim.

Thanks, Melissa.
(chuckles)

So, Erica, have you thought
of any baby names yet?

No.
Well,

if you could just steer clear
of the name Yorbalinda,

I'd appreciate it.

Not a problem.

And also Beziqueel.

Won't be an issue.
You know,

I always hoped Yorbalinda
would be the first baby

of this new world.

But Tandy and I won't be
far behind, and...

(groans)
and,
if I'm being honest,

getting to watch
you have a baby first

will really calm my nerves.

What a luxury for you.

(clears throat)

Erica, can I, uh, talk
to you for a second?

Anything you have
to say to her,

you can say to the whole group.

Fine. I made something for you.

It's in the pool house.
I'd love to...

love to show it to you.

GAIL:
Yeah,

she won't be doing that.
So get along.

(scoffs)

(groans)

What a turd.

I think he's almost worse
than Tandy.

Seriously, Gail?

Almost worse than me?

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Look at this guy.

Friggin' dip.

How does it feel
to be yesterday's news, huh?

And I'm the hot topic.

"This just in,
Phil's worse than Tandy.

Now over to the weather."

"Grey skies for that dong.

Clear skies in Tandyville.
Back to you, Bob."

"Thanks, Tabitha. In local news,

no one cares what's in your
friggin' house, you jagweed."

What's in your house,
you friggin' jagweed?

What are you doing in there,
you friggin' idiot, huh?

You practicing
your weak punches, pledging

your love
to other people's wives?

Sitting sadly amongst
a bunch of baby furniture

you made
for your unborn child?

No. I don't feel bad for you,

you friggin'
sad, sad man.

Who needs someone right now.

Oh, God.

Jerk.

Okay, so,
this is for you, Erica.

(gasps)
Aw.

Thanks, Carol.

I originally made it
for Yorbalinda,

but since your baby's
coming first,

I want you to have it.

Is this how big
a newborn's head is?

Well, a baby's head's
not flat like that.

It's big like a bowling ball
that's been waterlogged

after baking in the sun.

Crazy we can push something
like that out of us, huh?

Aw, man, we're pretty
amazing creatures, you and I.

And you, too, Gail,
if you got on board.

Drop it, Carol.

Hey, ladies, up here,
coming down the stairs.

Let me know if there's
anything in my way.

100% vision over here,

but this side is
real touch-and-go.

Well, is your eye
still smartin'?

Let me take a look at it.

Oh, it looks like
it's getting better.

You think so?
Uh-huh.

Yeah, let me check that out.

Huh.

(grunting)

Aah!

Huh, that's weird.

It looks about the same to me.

Maybe even worse.
Oh, yeah.

Must've been the lighting.

Like I said, uh,
comes in waves.

Hold on, Tandy.

Got a little ol' garter snake
in our midst.

(Phil 2 chuckles)

Well-well, I already
know the answer,

but I thought I'd ask anyways.

I'm making a supply run.

Anybody need anything?

Okay.

What a tool.

I mean, if he really
wanted to make amends,

he'd go get
in the stocks over there.

Yeah, it's do the crime,
do the time.

Not do the crime,
offer to get everybody supplies.

Tool.

Which is a shame,
because I'm jonesing

for some tortilla chips
in the worst way.

Yeah, I'm jonesing for some
stool softener in that same way.

Uh, you know, for, uh,
a friend, you know?

Okay.
Todd, he's
got some hard stool.

And, uh, I guess I got
to go pick that up

for him, uh, myself.

Okay, well, if you're
gonna go to the store,

would you mind picking me up
some tortilla chips?

Seriously, Gail?!

You-you would,
you would trust me

to get you tortilla chips?

It's just tortilla chips.

Hey, Gail?

I'll get you those chips.

I mean, it-it's
no problem at all.

Seriously,
it-it would be an honor.

Okay.

TODD:
Don't see any chips.

Maybe this aisle.

Gail actually asked me to get
her tortilla chips, Todd.

Me! I didn't even
have to offer.

She just asked!
That's great,
Tandy.

I'm finally getting
some traction here.

Thank God for Phil beefing
it like that, huh?

Although, I got to admit,
I feel kind of bad for him.

Hey, if we hadn't have
pulled him off of you,

he might've killed you, Tandy.

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, here's the chip
section right here.

Okay.

Whoa.

I didn't really give
myself enough clearance.

Okay, I guess I'll
use the sunroof here.

Well, do you want
to come out this side?

No, I want
to sunroof it!

Sunroof it.

All right.
You got it?

Already out.

Oh, wow, that's
a lot of chips.

Did she say which
kind she wanted?

Do you think it matters?

Well--
What am I saying?

Of course it matters.

Should we go
back and ask her?

Uh, yeah, Todd,
uh, let's do that.

"Uh, duh, hey,
excuse me, Gail.

Uh, what kind of chips
do you want?"

Oh, that'd be
a great way to start.

All right.
Come on, Todd.

I don't know.
What about these?

Scoops, Todd, really?!

She's not four years old.

Come on, think!

Oh, God!
You know what?

I'll just get them all.

Except for Scoops, Todd.

Whoa.

(sighs)

Oh, sorry, bud,
for throwing such a tizzy,

but, you know, the stakes
are really high here

and I'm just not myself.

Uh, it-it's okay.
Don't mention it.

I've been in a bit of
a funk myself, you know?

Hey, bud, spill the bean dip.

Chips aisle, boom.

Melissa stuff, you know?

Everything's been super weird

since the whole bacon debacle.

She keeps saying she doesn't
want to have a baby.

And blah, blah, blah.

Well, hang in there,
'cause I know for a fact

that she's into
having babies, okay?

So just relax,

and this whole thing
will blow over.

How do you know that?

How do I know that?
Yeah, I guess I don't.

Uh, sorry I did--
you know,

I thought you were talking
about something else.

Tandy.

Tandy! Tandy?

Be honest with me, man.

Todd... honestly?

Tandy... be honest.

Pull!

Hey.

You have anything
you want to tell me?

No.
Nothing?

I got a surfboard today.

But nothing about you
and Tandy going to a park

to try to get his sperm
to fertilize your egg?

I mean, you told me
it was just about having sex.

Todd, you have to
understand the circumstances.

I feel like I'm gonna be sick
out of both ends.

I mean, you can have a baby
with a guy that you've known

for, like, three days,
but you can't have a baby

with the man you love?

Look, I came to my senses.
I changed my mind.

You don't just change your mind
about having a baby.
I did.

Well, don't you think you should
have told me about that?

I mean, it's a pretty big thing
to hide.

So is living a double life
in a frickin' bacon house.

I hid bacon from you!

Bacon!

What you did is much worse!

I guess
we can't trust each other.

I guess not.

Don't shoot!

Sorry. I thought you were...

Never mind.

(gun chamber clicks)

Oh! Thought these
would never get here.

Well, you thought wrong
'cause they did get here, huh?

So what do you want? Uh,
nacho cheese, mission style,

unsalted, extra salt?

Do you have any Scoops?

Scoops, huh? (laughs)

You like Scoops?

They're my favorite.
Oh.

(laughing)

I don't have any Scoops.

(laughs airily)

Okay, well, these'll work.

Okay, well, next time, you're
gonna get Scoops, okay?
Yup.

Gonna go take my wine
for a walk. Thanks, Tandy.

You're welcome, Gail.
I should be thanking you.

(laughing)
God.

Just remember--
the Tandy man can and will.

(laughs)

Do not feel sad for this turd.

Need a hand?

Get away from me.

Okay.

But, look, Phil, can I
offer you a little advice?

I know you don't want to
hear it from me, but, look,

I really think you should
get in those stocks.

(laughing)

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Huh? Yeah.

Seeing me in those stocks, huh?

No, I wouldn't love it.

I'm-I'm trying
to help you here.

Well, I don't like you, okay?

And I don't trust you.

You are gonna regret this
if you don't do it.

You know what
my biggest regret is,

Tandy? Huh?

It's not breaking up
with Erica,

or-or... or confessing my love

to Carol. No.

My biggest regret

is that I saved you...
from the billboard.

Every day, I wish
I had left you up there

to die.

You don't mean that.
Yes, I do!

You know why?
Huh.

Because everybody's life
got worse

the day they met you.

I mean, this whole Phil
situation is just like

that movie When a Man Loves
a Woman. Okay, show of hands.

Who's seen it?

Anyone besides Peter?

Oh, man, you guys got to see it!

Oh, it's really good.

Meg Ryan's got this terrible
drinking problem,

and she won't accept help
from anyone.

But then, Andy Garcia comes in,
and he's all,

"Whoo-ah! No, I got
to help you with that.

"I-I don't want you
to have a drinking problem.

I'm gonna help ya.
I'm gonna help ya."

And then,
a bunch more words happen.

And then finally, Andy Garcia
has this huge orgasm sound,

and then Rob Reiner's mom
says, like,

"I'll have what he's having!"

(laughing)

Referring to Meg, I guess.

'Cause Meg was having
something delicious

next to Andy Garcia
as he's making the sound.

The bottom line--

Phil is Meg Ryan,

and I got to be
his Andy Garcia.

CAROL:
Hey, Erica, here's some more

baby stuff for you.
All of it says

something about being the first
child of the new world, so,

technically,
they're your property.

Thanks, Carol.
Hey, you know,

um, just out of curiosity,

how long were you and Phil
trying before you got pregnant?

Oh, we weren't trying.

Whoa! Unplanned pregnancy?

That's awesome!

Phil and I have been
trying for, like--

I don't know--
six months now?

And the only thing I have to
show for it are some rug burns

and a deeply-satisfied lover.

Six months? That long?

What? That's a long time?

N... No, I... No, I think
that's actually quite normal.

Yeah.

To-totally normal.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

(sputters)

Phil?

(hinges creaking)

Todd?

Todd?
Hey, Tandy.
What's up, buddy?

Why are you sleeping
on the couch?
Uh, man, I don't
want to talk about it.

Okay, well, have you seen Phil?
He's out at the beach.

Well, what's he doing
on the beach?
I don't know.
The guy's a total frickin' mess.

Oh... farts.

Phil? Phil?

Wake up!

Oh, geez.

(grunting)

Okay, Phil, get up! Phil!

(shouting)
Phil! Phil! Phil!

Get up! Come on,
get up, bro! Phil!

Feel free to wake up at any time
and help me out.

Friggin' fart face.

Surfboard limousine is...

(strained voice):
open for business.

Oh.

There we go.
That's the culprit.

Friggin' surfboard fin.

Friggin' idiot fin here.
You seem loose enough.

You bring a surfboard fin,
I bring a gun.

(high-pitched):
Ah! I got it.

Oh, oh, slide it.

(groaning)

Oh, hi, Phil's penis.

I know you didn't mean it, huh?

What you said about leaving me
up on that billboard.

You know, you were frontin',
I was frontin'.

We just got off track,
man, you know?

We were like two bullet trains
headed straight for each other.

There's that penis again.

Getting to know you
pretty well, sir. Oh!

It's just that, you know, every
time we got into our thing,

it was like an alpha dog park.

And the problem was,

we were both off leash.

I wish I was
a lot more like you.

Have you ever seen
When a Man Loves a Woman?

'Cause you are exactly like
Meg Ryan in that.

Here, I'm gonna give you
a taste of my Andy Garcia.

Whoo-ah!

I'm sorry I've been
a turd to you.

Ooh.

(grunting)

The thing you didn't realize is
that I looked up to you,

like, the whole time, huh?

You don't believe
that I've changed,

but I have.

When we wake up tomorrow,

it's gonna start
a whole new chapter for us.

Oh.

(whispering):
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

Just go back to bed.

Hey, we're not pregnant.

Oh, don't worry. Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Where were you?

Just out helping Phil.

That's nice.
Yeah, right.
Good night.

Good night.

PHIL 2 (shouting):
Tandy!

Is that Phil?

Probably just wants
to thank me.

Tandy!

All right, I'm gonna sleep
with this thing on.

Tandy!

Tandy! Tandy!

CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

(horn honking)