Black Jesus (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Taco Sundays - full transcript
Our heroes travel through Compton in a food truck, spreading the good word and fish tacos. When Jesus's phone falls into the wrong hands, Trayvon is desperate to get it back.
(quacking)
BOONIE:
Hey, hey, is God mad at us?
Of course not, man.
Why would Pops be mad?
Look, he blessed us
with this beautiful day.
We out here chillin'.
You got a pocketful
of weed.
And we're about
to catch some free dinner.
Did I mention that it was "free"
and it was "dinner"?
Why would he be mad at us?
'Cause I'm fishing for dinner
in Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
I mean, I don't mind
the free food,
but this is embarrassing.
I don't want to be seen
doing this crap.
TRAYVON: Guys, this
is a terrible idea.
We should not be
eating this fish.
Oh, here you go
with that bullshit, man.
What, you reading
some dumb shit online
about the fish in the hood bad?
I was reading the
California Office
of Environmental
Hazard Assessment
June 2010 report
titled "Health Advisory
"and Safe Eating
Guidelines for Fish
from the Wilt
Chamberlain Lake."
It's fine, Tray.
It's fine.
Pops told me.
He blessed us
with the fish so we can
sustain and nourish ourselves.
You like to eat, right?
Yeah.
Just like he
blesses us with struggle.
'Cause without struggle,
we wouldn't be strong people.
He kind of tests our
mettle-- you feel me?
And you know what, Boon?
You asking
the right questions, dawg.
And that makes me think, man,
we got to get out here
and deliver the Word
to the people that need it
that can't get to us.
We got to take this show
on the road, dawg.
I'm the preacher
and you the deejay.
Feel me?
(chuckles)
(grunting)
Oh!
(whooping)
Ms. Tudi, I ain't even here
for what you think, girl.
Oh, Heavenly Father,
please look down on us!
Jesus Christ lying to my face.
I know you want some money.
Nah, don't nobody
want your bread, girl.
You can keep
your little purse private.
Mm-hmm.
Then what you want?
Oh, just a little of your time,
that's it.
Baby, what you seem to forget
is, for us mortals,
time is money.
You feel me?
Look, Ms. Tudi,
I finally figured out
why Pops wanted me
to have that food truck.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the truth
has been revealed.
Peep this out.
We about to start
Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Taco Truck.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Say that again.
"Jesus's Church of Compton"?
And Fish Taco Truck-- yeah!
We about to set up,
give away some bomb-ass tacos.
I'm talking about some bomb...
Baby, baby,
what you want me to do?
Oh, I just want you
to bless the grill
with some of your fine
and exquisitely honed
culinary skills.
Whoa, hold it!
Hold up.
You want me to cook for free?!
For free? (scoffs)
Girl, how absurd.
You talkin' stupid.
I don't know
nothing about for free.
Jesus?
You gonna get paid in grace.
All right, listen, you must
need money for something.
Where you gonna get the fish?
Oh, the fish are caught locally.
You better not sleep.
I'm talking
about a bonanza of fish!
Oh, my...
You telling me you got this
out the Wilt Chamberlain Lake?
God is a mother(bleep),
ain't he?
Mm...
I'm gonna let y'all
try this shit first.
(honking)
The hell's all this shit?
Hey, hey!
What's happening, Vic?
Hey, come check us out, man!
You'd better
get you one of
these delicioso fish tacos!
You know you want one!
Check it out!
So a bunch of losers done
started up a new business, huh?
Hell about to freeze over.
MS. TUDI:
Excuse me,
but who you calling a loser?
Ms. Tudi, well, I didn't
even know you was in there.
Mm-hmm, you'd better
quit being a hater.
Try one of these fish tacos.
This here's our first batch.
Ain't no weed in there, right?
JESUS:
Of course not.
Ain't no weed in that, man.
MS. TUDI: That's right.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
MS. TUDI:
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
(laughs)
That's actually good.
Yeah, man, and the crazy part
is, Pops blessed us
with this straight from
Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Wilt Chamberlain Lake?!
Nigga, are you crazy?!
Whoa, whoa, hold...
just relax!
This here okay.
All I try to do is spread
joy in your life, man,
and you keep on coming at us
like we some peons, man.
Who you think sent your mama
that big-ass "bouquette"
of flowers for her birthday
on Wednesday, man?
Oh, yeah, I know it's "bouquet,"
but I like to say "bouquette."
Who you think did that
and put your name on it?
You got my mama those flowers?
You didn't do it.
Man, I ain't even supposed
to be revealing
my infinite and divine
powers to you like that, man.
But I like you, Vic.
And guess what, Vic.
I helped him pick them.
Yeah, I bet you feel like
a real dick now, don't you?
Yeah, well, where you get
my mama's info from?
JESUS:
Pops gave it to us.
I mean, he knew it was
for a good cause, man.
You need
to quit trippin', Vic.
Divine insight from the Big Guy
upstairs; that's all it was.
Bullshit.
You's a nerd bitch hacker!
Hey, man, when you get mad,
you look
like the hyenas
on The Lion King.
(laughter)
Mufasa.
Vic, Trayvon a hacker?
He real smart, man,
but he ain't no hacker, brah.
You niggas is a bunch
of identity thieves.
Yeah, I hope you ain't using
the Wi-Fi in the complex
to do some goddamn
cyber crime.
Nah, Vic, man,
you got it all wrong, brah.
No, you got it
all wrong, see.
Yeah, you done went too
far this time, nigga.
You send my mama
some more flowers,
that's your ass.
And these tacos?
You can have them.
Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Hey, wait, wait, wait,
what you doing?
That nigga taking all the tacos.
He's hungry, man.
Let him eat.
Oh, yeah!
(laughs)
From Galilee to Gardena.
Cairo to Compton.
Probably seen him hanging
around Rick Ross' neck.
Hell, he used
to be white!
Give it up
for Jesus Christ!
JESUS:
Come on out and get you
some salvation!
This baby is
Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Taco Truck!
Where the food will not
only nourish your soul,
but please your piehole.
Can I get an amen, y'all?
War, famine, pestilence--
who needs that shit
when you got God's love
and fish tacos?
You ever heard of the term
"undying love"?
That comes from the fact
that I died and undied for you.
Came back to give you
some more love.
Loving guidance by the boatload!
Trees, Boon!
Boon, trees!
For respect
one time, y'all!
Think I'm getting to them.
Get fat on God's Word
this Sunday
at Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Taco Truck!
Right here--
get fat on God's love
and God's Word,
'cause he got plenty.
Ha! You love that, don't you?
God's love is free, amen?
But food trucks need gas.
JASON:
Yeah, we appreciate
all these little donations
y'all are giving us.
That's right.
Where is Trayvon?
Did he make the run
to the store?
Yeah, he been gone.
All right.
Come on, baby.
Thank you. God bless you.
Hello, Jesus' phone.
I'm at the store right now.
Boonie already talked to me.
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Yeah, look, I don't have
enough money for that.
Hold on one second, hold on.
Yeah, hello?
Aah! Wait! That's...
Give me that bike!
Wait!
That's my bike!
Come back!
Hmm.
Ooh, look-a here.
No, no, no, no.
No.
(groans)
JESUS:
Hope to see you all this Sunday,
serving salvation
and swordfish tacos!
Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Tacos,
where there ain't
nothing but love...
(ringing)
Hello.
Hey, Victor.
I just saw
that dirty Jesus nigga.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I found out?
This nigga's a identity thief.
Stole my mom's address.
He's bad news, man.
Well, he just rolled by
the church in
that taco truck he's got.
You know about this?
(laughing):
Yeah, fish taco truck.
You know those fish come out
the Wilt Chamberlain Lake?
Well, he's not
just selling tacos.
He's preaching the Word.
And taking donations.
On my turf!
I ought to cut that nigga.
Anybody taking money from God
in Southwest Compton is me.
(quacking)
Everybody want to judge.
But if anybody qualified to do
the job, it should be me.
I wear the robe
and I'm of the divinity.
But do you see me
judge anybody? No.
Uh, Fish, sorry
to interrupt the sermon.
What's up, Tray, what's up?
I got jacked.
All right?
What?
And they stole my bike
and everything.
Oh, man, they tore
that eye up, man.
Yeah.
Do that hurt?
Aah!
(laughs)
That's not funny.
Yes, it hurts. Okay?
Listen, it was this dude.
It was, it was
two dudes, okay?
And they had shotguns
and there were some pit bulls
and everything.
But that's not the worst part.
All right?
I dropped your phone.
I dropped your phone
when I was gonna
go chase her--
the-the dudes--
and then, when I went back,
it was gone.
Someone stole it.
(siren whoops)
Uh-oh.
Oh, we sorry, Officer.
We see the fire hydrant.
We had a flat; we fixed it now.
We on our way out, Officer.
Have a great day.
Like a taco?
Well, I guess not.
I guess not.
Guess not.
And let's call
it quits, man.
I'll be okay.
I'm sorry to let you down.
Oh, just as long
as you're okay, Trayvon.
God, thank you.
This phone has literally
billions of contacts.
Mm-hmm.
And famous people,
look at that!
Bill Gates. The President!
Russell Simmons.
Hey, man.
You know what
this means, right?
This is proof
that whatever
that crooked
nigga's up to,
it's a whole lot bigger
than we think, man.
What?
(line ringing)
Hello?
Judge Judy?
Hey, baby, how you doing,
sweet thang?
Hey, come on, man.
You can't do that, man!
Why not?
She may not be the hottest
white woman around,
but that bitch is paid.
You don't get it,
do you?
This phone is probably
being tracked.
Tracked?
Yes, tracked.
FBI, CIA,
the government...
Think about it, Lloyd.
The phone has billions
of stolen personal
contacts in it.
We could go to jail
just for having that.
So what do we do?
We get this shit out of
here, is what we do.
Hey!
The phone is being
tracked, Lloyd.
(mews)
TRAYVON:
I mean the phone
should be trackable
as long as
the battery's inside,
but right now
I'm not getting anything.
I mean...
Man, I'm so stupid.
Well?
Well, what?
That's barely enough for gas.
Well, what you think
the problem is?
The problem is
poor people, Jesus.
They ain't got no damn money.
Okay, well,
it ain't about the money
no way, right? I mean,
it's about spreading the Word
and getting it out there,
and you can't front-- we had
a beautiful-ass day today,
Ms. Tud...
No, we didn't, Jesus.
This was exhausting.
You got me up here as
a fry cook, six hours straight.
And I'm an old girl.
I mean...
I still got it going on.
But I'm saying OGs
can't be doing that.
Yeah, she right. That was
some hard-ass work today, Jesus.
BOONIE:
I'm telling you, man,
God hates us, man.
I mean, we do all this,
and for what?
I don't know. Man, I thought
Pops would at least
gave us enough to keep this
thing going, though, man.
Yeah.
Well, he gave us $24.
Here. $24.
All right, so what?
It's $24,
and $24 is not
(engine hisses)
a lot of bread.
But don't start losing faith
right now. Come on, man.
Pops love this truck, man,
he ordained it.
He don't want to see it stop.
(loud thump, hissing)
(engine rattles, stops)
MS. TUDI: Boonie!
You okay, Mom?
MS. TUDI:
The hell... Boonie!
Man.
Nigga, what'd you do?
Hey.
Mama, I didn't...
You did something.
(panting)
Ms. Tudi.
I don't even
want to hear it.
Mama, what a hernia
look like?
I'm sorry I let you down,
big guy.
Don't even trip, Tray,
I'm just glad you're all right.
Let me see.
Yeah, you're good.
Well?
Looks like I'll be up all night.
Hey.
I got to get some sleep.
(engine sputtering)
(engine starts)
Hey, little kitty.
(chuckles)
Hey, little kitty.
(chuckles)
Oh.
BOONIE (over microphone):
What's up, y'all?
It's Taco Sundays!
Guaranteed good taco.
Hey, lady over there!
Take your time and come
over here and get a taco!
My man with the afro
playing basketball,
stop all that, come over here
and get a taco!
Hey!
You... Yeah... Tac...
And we got a special guest
coming out.
It's gonna blow your mind.
Hey, cross-eyed girl! Hey!
Wiggle over here and get
some of these taco! (laughs)
No, the truck right here!
Stop going... Oh, this... Yeah.
(quacking)
(cell phone rings)
Oh.
Jesus Christ.
(laughs)
I don't give a shit.
(chuckles)
Hello?
Is the Pope in?
Tell him it's Deez.
Deez Nuts!
(guffaws)
Got him.
(chuckles)
FEMALE VOICE: Please record
outgoing message at the beep.
(tone chimes)
(farts)
(guffaws)
BOONIE: Taco Sundays,
come on over here!
Some bonbons in the truck.
Yeah...
Hey, Jesus, I think I know
who stole your phone.
Not right now, Trayvon,
the show about to kick off.
N-N-N-N-No, you need
to see this right now.
Look, come here.
(Trayvon pants)
JESUS:
Is that Lloyd's penis?!
TRAYVON:
Yeah.
Ugh, he got it
all out and shit?
Yeah, he does, that's not
the only thing, all right?
This is all over all your
social media accounts.
Every one.
All of 'em?
All of 'em.
Don't worry.
I'm-a get it
handled. Okay.
Y'all know what mother(bleep)
time it is.
It's Taco Sundays
out here in the pond,
and I'm about to bring to you
the original Galilean gangster.
Give it for your nigga and mine,
Jesus H. (bleep) Christ!
Hey, hey,
what's happening, everybody?
I'm so glad to see y'all here
today, man. But, look,
before I get started,
I want to let y'all know, man,
that all my social networking
accounts have been hacked, man.
Somebody put some real janky
shit out there that ain't me.
You might see an old man's penis
up there, but I promise
we're gonna clean that shit up
as soon as possible.
Somebody's just hatin', y'all.
So check this out,
I'm gonna need everybody
to gather on round
and have a seat right here so
I can tell you about this hate.
Jesus say sit down! That's one
of the... commandments.
See, hate is like a fire, man.
And you don't stop a fire
with fire.
See, the way you stop hate
is with love.
Didn't nobody tell you to put
yourself out there like that.
That's that ego.
MS. TUDI:
All right,
now, who's got
Ms. Tudi's Alaskan halibut?
JESUS:
'Cause if it was your ego,
you got to let that go,
brother. That's some bullshit.
Ego done killed more black
and brown men than the police.
Can I get an amen, y'all?
OTHERS:
Amen.
JESUS:
You ever play football,
little dude?
Yeah.
Okay. So, just say
you got the ball.
You runnin', you runnin'
and you jukin' and you spinnin'
on fools. What the other team
supposed to be doing?
Try and tackle me.
Okay. So, you
got some fat-ass
lineman that just jumped off
and he just tried
to tackle you but he missed.
What you gonna
do then?
I'm-a keep runnin'.
What? That fool
tried to tackle you.
Is you a sucker or something?
You gonna keep runnin'?
You ain't gonna tackle him
back? Is you a little bitch?
Man, of course not.
Why not?
Because that's stupid.
That's revenge.
REV. CLEVELAND:
Yeah, yeah! That was
real deep, nigga!
But-but I got a question
for you.
Now, I was just enjoying
this delicious fish,
and I was wondering
where it came from.
Oh, the fish?
(chuckles)
The fish came from Pops.
REV. CLEVELAND:
Oh, really? Because
I heard it came
from Wilt Chamberlain Lake!
Mm-mm.
Oh, come on, Jesus.
MAN: That true, Jesus?
Now, you wouldn't lie
to the people, would you?
Now did you or did you not
get this fish
from that nasty
Wilt Chamberlain Lake?
Yeah, we did get the fish
from the lake, but...
but-but it was
a miracle, though.
It was a miracle.
That's right,
ladies and gentlemen,
you're eating fish
from the
Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Now, I'm sure that
you're all gonna
shit blood and die shortly.
But if you don't,
Sunday
is the Korean barbecue cookout
at the First Jesus of
Christ Church of Compton.
Get out of here, son.
Uh, y'all come back,
now, hear?
(gagging)
Lloyd, Lloyd!
Come here.
Come here.
Stop.
(both grunting)
Oh!
You little...
monster, you...
Give me the phone!
He's stealing from me!
Okay, stop!
Okay, got it, yeah.
(groans)
It's wrong to steal
people's phones, Lloyd.
And it's wrong to knock
a mother(bleep) out.
Ooh!
World star!
What the...
(groans)
Mother...
(coughs)
BOONIE:
$31?
This some bullshit, man.
Yeah,
I don't know, man.
Come on, y'all. Didn't nobody
say it was gonna be easy.
We still
working the kinks out.
But look, man,
overall, I think we
did good, man. I think we
reached some folks today.
You know what, Jee?
I ain't mad no more.
But I'm tired, hear?
I'm tired.
Hey, man, I guess I could eat
that Toxic Avenger fish, man,
I'm just tired of this
church taco truck, man.
Yeah, I mean, we gave it
a shot, Jee, so...
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, what you said
back there about revenge...
I never even really thought
about it like that.
I just been going
through a lot lately.
It be like that sometime.
But God gave you
that ball, brah,
and he wants you
to run that (bleep).
Don't stop. And don't
get caught up in that
bullshit, you feel
me, young brother?
I'm-a take your word on that.
This (bleep) always got to be
right about something.
Please bless these
sorry-ass followers
who don't have
any faith in me whatsoever.
So I can expect to see
all y'all next week, right?
Yeah, right. You want us
to come back next week
just 'cause
you saved a kid?
God hate me,
I know it!
His little pussy-ass .38
kind of clean, though, huh?
(gunshot)
Oh!
Oh!
Hey...
Nigga, what did I tell you about
playing with guns, huh?
What'd I tell you about that?
BOONIE:
Hey, hey, is God mad at us?
Of course not, man.
Why would Pops be mad?
Look, he blessed us
with this beautiful day.
We out here chillin'.
You got a pocketful
of weed.
And we're about
to catch some free dinner.
Did I mention that it was "free"
and it was "dinner"?
Why would he be mad at us?
'Cause I'm fishing for dinner
in Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
I mean, I don't mind
the free food,
but this is embarrassing.
I don't want to be seen
doing this crap.
TRAYVON: Guys, this
is a terrible idea.
We should not be
eating this fish.
Oh, here you go
with that bullshit, man.
What, you reading
some dumb shit online
about the fish in the hood bad?
I was reading the
California Office
of Environmental
Hazard Assessment
June 2010 report
titled "Health Advisory
"and Safe Eating
Guidelines for Fish
from the Wilt
Chamberlain Lake."
It's fine, Tray.
It's fine.
Pops told me.
He blessed us
with the fish so we can
sustain and nourish ourselves.
You like to eat, right?
Yeah.
Just like he
blesses us with struggle.
'Cause without struggle,
we wouldn't be strong people.
He kind of tests our
mettle-- you feel me?
And you know what, Boon?
You asking
the right questions, dawg.
And that makes me think, man,
we got to get out here
and deliver the Word
to the people that need it
that can't get to us.
We got to take this show
on the road, dawg.
I'm the preacher
and you the deejay.
Feel me?
(chuckles)
(grunting)
Oh!
(whooping)
Ms. Tudi, I ain't even here
for what you think, girl.
Oh, Heavenly Father,
please look down on us!
Jesus Christ lying to my face.
I know you want some money.
Nah, don't nobody
want your bread, girl.
You can keep
your little purse private.
Mm-hmm.
Then what you want?
Oh, just a little of your time,
that's it.
Baby, what you seem to forget
is, for us mortals,
time is money.
You feel me?
Look, Ms. Tudi,
I finally figured out
why Pops wanted me
to have that food truck.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the truth
has been revealed.
Peep this out.
We about to start
Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Taco Truck.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Say that again.
"Jesus's Church of Compton"?
And Fish Taco Truck-- yeah!
We about to set up,
give away some bomb-ass tacos.
I'm talking about some bomb...
Baby, baby,
what you want me to do?
Oh, I just want you
to bless the grill
with some of your fine
and exquisitely honed
culinary skills.
Whoa, hold it!
Hold up.
You want me to cook for free?!
For free? (scoffs)
Girl, how absurd.
You talkin' stupid.
I don't know
nothing about for free.
Jesus?
You gonna get paid in grace.
All right, listen, you must
need money for something.
Where you gonna get the fish?
Oh, the fish are caught locally.
You better not sleep.
I'm talking
about a bonanza of fish!
Oh, my...
You telling me you got this
out the Wilt Chamberlain Lake?
God is a mother(bleep),
ain't he?
Mm...
I'm gonna let y'all
try this shit first.
(honking)
The hell's all this shit?
Hey, hey!
What's happening, Vic?
Hey, come check us out, man!
You'd better
get you one of
these delicioso fish tacos!
You know you want one!
Check it out!
So a bunch of losers done
started up a new business, huh?
Hell about to freeze over.
MS. TUDI:
Excuse me,
but who you calling a loser?
Ms. Tudi, well, I didn't
even know you was in there.
Mm-hmm, you'd better
quit being a hater.
Try one of these fish tacos.
This here's our first batch.
Ain't no weed in there, right?
JESUS:
Of course not.
Ain't no weed in that, man.
MS. TUDI: That's right.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
MS. TUDI:
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
(laughs)
That's actually good.
Yeah, man, and the crazy part
is, Pops blessed us
with this straight from
Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Wilt Chamberlain Lake?!
Nigga, are you crazy?!
Whoa, whoa, hold...
just relax!
This here okay.
All I try to do is spread
joy in your life, man,
and you keep on coming at us
like we some peons, man.
Who you think sent your mama
that big-ass "bouquette"
of flowers for her birthday
on Wednesday, man?
Oh, yeah, I know it's "bouquet,"
but I like to say "bouquette."
Who you think did that
and put your name on it?
You got my mama those flowers?
You didn't do it.
Man, I ain't even supposed
to be revealing
my infinite and divine
powers to you like that, man.
But I like you, Vic.
And guess what, Vic.
I helped him pick them.
Yeah, I bet you feel like
a real dick now, don't you?
Yeah, well, where you get
my mama's info from?
JESUS:
Pops gave it to us.
I mean, he knew it was
for a good cause, man.
You need
to quit trippin', Vic.
Divine insight from the Big Guy
upstairs; that's all it was.
Bullshit.
You's a nerd bitch hacker!
Hey, man, when you get mad,
you look
like the hyenas
on The Lion King.
(laughter)
Mufasa.
Vic, Trayvon a hacker?
He real smart, man,
but he ain't no hacker, brah.
You niggas is a bunch
of identity thieves.
Yeah, I hope you ain't using
the Wi-Fi in the complex
to do some goddamn
cyber crime.
Nah, Vic, man,
you got it all wrong, brah.
No, you got it
all wrong, see.
Yeah, you done went too
far this time, nigga.
You send my mama
some more flowers,
that's your ass.
And these tacos?
You can have them.
Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Hey, wait, wait, wait,
what you doing?
That nigga taking all the tacos.
He's hungry, man.
Let him eat.
Oh, yeah!
(laughs)
From Galilee to Gardena.
Cairo to Compton.
Probably seen him hanging
around Rick Ross' neck.
Hell, he used
to be white!
Give it up
for Jesus Christ!
JESUS:
Come on out and get you
some salvation!
This baby is
Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Taco Truck!
Where the food will not
only nourish your soul,
but please your piehole.
Can I get an amen, y'all?
War, famine, pestilence--
who needs that shit
when you got God's love
and fish tacos?
You ever heard of the term
"undying love"?
That comes from the fact
that I died and undied for you.
Came back to give you
some more love.
Loving guidance by the boatload!
Trees, Boon!
Boon, trees!
For respect
one time, y'all!
Think I'm getting to them.
Get fat on God's Word
this Sunday
at Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Taco Truck!
Right here--
get fat on God's love
and God's Word,
'cause he got plenty.
Ha! You love that, don't you?
God's love is free, amen?
But food trucks need gas.
JASON:
Yeah, we appreciate
all these little donations
y'all are giving us.
That's right.
Where is Trayvon?
Did he make the run
to the store?
Yeah, he been gone.
All right.
Come on, baby.
Thank you. God bless you.
Hello, Jesus' phone.
I'm at the store right now.
Boonie already talked to me.
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Yeah, look, I don't have
enough money for that.
Hold on one second, hold on.
Yeah, hello?
Aah! Wait! That's...
Give me that bike!
Wait!
That's my bike!
Come back!
Hmm.
Ooh, look-a here.
No, no, no, no.
No.
(groans)
JESUS:
Hope to see you all this Sunday,
serving salvation
and swordfish tacos!
Jesus's Church of Compton
and Fish Tacos,
where there ain't
nothing but love...
(ringing)
Hello.
Hey, Victor.
I just saw
that dirty Jesus nigga.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I found out?
This nigga's a identity thief.
Stole my mom's address.
He's bad news, man.
Well, he just rolled by
the church in
that taco truck he's got.
You know about this?
(laughing):
Yeah, fish taco truck.
You know those fish come out
the Wilt Chamberlain Lake?
Well, he's not
just selling tacos.
He's preaching the Word.
And taking donations.
On my turf!
I ought to cut that nigga.
Anybody taking money from God
in Southwest Compton is me.
(quacking)
Everybody want to judge.
But if anybody qualified to do
the job, it should be me.
I wear the robe
and I'm of the divinity.
But do you see me
judge anybody? No.
Uh, Fish, sorry
to interrupt the sermon.
What's up, Tray, what's up?
I got jacked.
All right?
What?
And they stole my bike
and everything.
Oh, man, they tore
that eye up, man.
Yeah.
Do that hurt?
Aah!
(laughs)
That's not funny.
Yes, it hurts. Okay?
Listen, it was this dude.
It was, it was
two dudes, okay?
And they had shotguns
and there were some pit bulls
and everything.
But that's not the worst part.
All right?
I dropped your phone.
I dropped your phone
when I was gonna
go chase her--
the-the dudes--
and then, when I went back,
it was gone.
Someone stole it.
(siren whoops)
Uh-oh.
Oh, we sorry, Officer.
We see the fire hydrant.
We had a flat; we fixed it now.
We on our way out, Officer.
Have a great day.
Like a taco?
Well, I guess not.
I guess not.
Guess not.
And let's call
it quits, man.
I'll be okay.
I'm sorry to let you down.
Oh, just as long
as you're okay, Trayvon.
God, thank you.
This phone has literally
billions of contacts.
Mm-hmm.
And famous people,
look at that!
Bill Gates. The President!
Russell Simmons.
Hey, man.
You know what
this means, right?
This is proof
that whatever
that crooked
nigga's up to,
it's a whole lot bigger
than we think, man.
What?
(line ringing)
Hello?
Judge Judy?
Hey, baby, how you doing,
sweet thang?
Hey, come on, man.
You can't do that, man!
Why not?
She may not be the hottest
white woman around,
but that bitch is paid.
You don't get it,
do you?
This phone is probably
being tracked.
Tracked?
Yes, tracked.
FBI, CIA,
the government...
Think about it, Lloyd.
The phone has billions
of stolen personal
contacts in it.
We could go to jail
just for having that.
So what do we do?
We get this shit out of
here, is what we do.
Hey!
The phone is being
tracked, Lloyd.
(mews)
TRAYVON:
I mean the phone
should be trackable
as long as
the battery's inside,
but right now
I'm not getting anything.
I mean...
Man, I'm so stupid.
Well?
Well, what?
That's barely enough for gas.
Well, what you think
the problem is?
The problem is
poor people, Jesus.
They ain't got no damn money.
Okay, well,
it ain't about the money
no way, right? I mean,
it's about spreading the Word
and getting it out there,
and you can't front-- we had
a beautiful-ass day today,
Ms. Tud...
No, we didn't, Jesus.
This was exhausting.
You got me up here as
a fry cook, six hours straight.
And I'm an old girl.
I mean...
I still got it going on.
But I'm saying OGs
can't be doing that.
Yeah, she right. That was
some hard-ass work today, Jesus.
BOONIE:
I'm telling you, man,
God hates us, man.
I mean, we do all this,
and for what?
I don't know. Man, I thought
Pops would at least
gave us enough to keep this
thing going, though, man.
Yeah.
Well, he gave us $24.
Here. $24.
All right, so what?
It's $24,
and $24 is not
(engine hisses)
a lot of bread.
But don't start losing faith
right now. Come on, man.
Pops love this truck, man,
he ordained it.
He don't want to see it stop.
(loud thump, hissing)
(engine rattles, stops)
MS. TUDI: Boonie!
You okay, Mom?
MS. TUDI:
The hell... Boonie!
Man.
Nigga, what'd you do?
Hey.
Mama, I didn't...
You did something.
(panting)
Ms. Tudi.
I don't even
want to hear it.
Mama, what a hernia
look like?
I'm sorry I let you down,
big guy.
Don't even trip, Tray,
I'm just glad you're all right.
Let me see.
Yeah, you're good.
Well?
Looks like I'll be up all night.
Hey.
I got to get some sleep.
(engine sputtering)
(engine starts)
Hey, little kitty.
(chuckles)
Hey, little kitty.
(chuckles)
Oh.
BOONIE (over microphone):
What's up, y'all?
It's Taco Sundays!
Guaranteed good taco.
Hey, lady over there!
Take your time and come
over here and get a taco!
My man with the afro
playing basketball,
stop all that, come over here
and get a taco!
Hey!
You... Yeah... Tac...
And we got a special guest
coming out.
It's gonna blow your mind.
Hey, cross-eyed girl! Hey!
Wiggle over here and get
some of these taco! (laughs)
No, the truck right here!
Stop going... Oh, this... Yeah.
(quacking)
(cell phone rings)
Oh.
Jesus Christ.
(laughs)
I don't give a shit.
(chuckles)
Hello?
Is the Pope in?
Tell him it's Deez.
Deez Nuts!
(guffaws)
Got him.
(chuckles)
FEMALE VOICE: Please record
outgoing message at the beep.
(tone chimes)
(farts)
(guffaws)
BOONIE: Taco Sundays,
come on over here!
Some bonbons in the truck.
Yeah...
Hey, Jesus, I think I know
who stole your phone.
Not right now, Trayvon,
the show about to kick off.
N-N-N-N-No, you need
to see this right now.
Look, come here.
(Trayvon pants)
JESUS:
Is that Lloyd's penis?!
TRAYVON:
Yeah.
Ugh, he got it
all out and shit?
Yeah, he does, that's not
the only thing, all right?
This is all over all your
social media accounts.
Every one.
All of 'em?
All of 'em.
Don't worry.
I'm-a get it
handled. Okay.
Y'all know what mother(bleep)
time it is.
It's Taco Sundays
out here in the pond,
and I'm about to bring to you
the original Galilean gangster.
Give it for your nigga and mine,
Jesus H. (bleep) Christ!
Hey, hey,
what's happening, everybody?
I'm so glad to see y'all here
today, man. But, look,
before I get started,
I want to let y'all know, man,
that all my social networking
accounts have been hacked, man.
Somebody put some real janky
shit out there that ain't me.
You might see an old man's penis
up there, but I promise
we're gonna clean that shit up
as soon as possible.
Somebody's just hatin', y'all.
So check this out,
I'm gonna need everybody
to gather on round
and have a seat right here so
I can tell you about this hate.
Jesus say sit down! That's one
of the... commandments.
See, hate is like a fire, man.
And you don't stop a fire
with fire.
See, the way you stop hate
is with love.
Didn't nobody tell you to put
yourself out there like that.
That's that ego.
MS. TUDI:
All right,
now, who's got
Ms. Tudi's Alaskan halibut?
JESUS:
'Cause if it was your ego,
you got to let that go,
brother. That's some bullshit.
Ego done killed more black
and brown men than the police.
Can I get an amen, y'all?
OTHERS:
Amen.
JESUS:
You ever play football,
little dude?
Yeah.
Okay. So, just say
you got the ball.
You runnin', you runnin'
and you jukin' and you spinnin'
on fools. What the other team
supposed to be doing?
Try and tackle me.
Okay. So, you
got some fat-ass
lineman that just jumped off
and he just tried
to tackle you but he missed.
What you gonna
do then?
I'm-a keep runnin'.
What? That fool
tried to tackle you.
Is you a sucker or something?
You gonna keep runnin'?
You ain't gonna tackle him
back? Is you a little bitch?
Man, of course not.
Why not?
Because that's stupid.
That's revenge.
REV. CLEVELAND:
Yeah, yeah! That was
real deep, nigga!
But-but I got a question
for you.
Now, I was just enjoying
this delicious fish,
and I was wondering
where it came from.
Oh, the fish?
(chuckles)
The fish came from Pops.
REV. CLEVELAND:
Oh, really? Because
I heard it came
from Wilt Chamberlain Lake!
Mm-mm.
Oh, come on, Jesus.
MAN: That true, Jesus?
Now, you wouldn't lie
to the people, would you?
Now did you or did you not
get this fish
from that nasty
Wilt Chamberlain Lake?
Yeah, we did get the fish
from the lake, but...
but-but it was
a miracle, though.
It was a miracle.
That's right,
ladies and gentlemen,
you're eating fish
from the
Wilt Chamberlain Lake.
Now, I'm sure that
you're all gonna
shit blood and die shortly.
But if you don't,
Sunday
is the Korean barbecue cookout
at the First Jesus of
Christ Church of Compton.
Get out of here, son.
Uh, y'all come back,
now, hear?
(gagging)
Lloyd, Lloyd!
Come here.
Come here.
Stop.
(both grunting)
Oh!
You little...
monster, you...
Give me the phone!
He's stealing from me!
Okay, stop!
Okay, got it, yeah.
(groans)
It's wrong to steal
people's phones, Lloyd.
And it's wrong to knock
a mother(bleep) out.
Ooh!
World star!
What the...
(groans)
Mother...
(coughs)
BOONIE:
$31?
This some bullshit, man.
Yeah,
I don't know, man.
Come on, y'all. Didn't nobody
say it was gonna be easy.
We still
working the kinks out.
But look, man,
overall, I think we
did good, man. I think we
reached some folks today.
You know what, Jee?
I ain't mad no more.
But I'm tired, hear?
I'm tired.
Hey, man, I guess I could eat
that Toxic Avenger fish, man,
I'm just tired of this
church taco truck, man.
Yeah, I mean, we gave it
a shot, Jee, so...
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, what you said
back there about revenge...
I never even really thought
about it like that.
I just been going
through a lot lately.
It be like that sometime.
But God gave you
that ball, brah,
and he wants you
to run that (bleep).
Don't stop. And don't
get caught up in that
bullshit, you feel
me, young brother?
I'm-a take your word on that.
This (bleep) always got to be
right about something.
Please bless these
sorry-ass followers
who don't have
any faith in me whatsoever.
So I can expect to see
all y'all next week, right?
Yeah, right. You want us
to come back next week
just 'cause
you saved a kid?
God hate me,
I know it!
His little pussy-ass .38
kind of clean, though, huh?
(gunshot)
Oh!
Oh!
Hey...
Nigga, what did I tell you about
playing with guns, huh?
What'd I tell you about that?